The Guy&#8217;s Perspective

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me?

Getting back together; is it possible?

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Dear Guys,

I was in a long term relationship with a girl I met in my class. We absolutely hit off from the start. When I met her I still was dating someone else and I told her about it. (I never crossed the line.) My girlfriend and I eventually broke up weeks later and this girl and I immediately started talking. We then dated for two months.

Before we started dating I had been working through other personal things in my past that were catching up with me. These were things I went through growing up. I broke it off with her because I knew if I had stayed I would have ruined things. During this break up period I started talking with my ex again. I believe it was because I never let anyone close to me and she was the one person I could talk to. However, I was still talking to the girl I dated for two months but we were not getting along.

During our break up she rekindled with her ex and hooked up with him as well; the same time I was hanging with my ex. So I decided to break it off with my ex for good and finally reach closure. I then told this girl my personal problems and why I left. (Because I was depressed, not because I didn’t care for her.)

During the month I was talking with my ex the girl told me we could not be friends if I was still in contact with my ex. Now the girl tells me that if anything is going to come out of this we need to start as friends and build from there. However, she is still hanging out with HER ex and she constantly says they’re just friends, but I know they have been hooking up. She is a great fun girl but she is not happy with what she does sometimes. She lets me in and then makes mistakes. I would never be this confused about anyone but I know deep down she is the one. I told her I cannot accept the fact that she is still hooking up with other people as she puts it. I told her I cannot do it. But I have been going back and forth about this. I finally put my foot down and said I can be your friend but we can’t hook up with other people.

Am I wrong? I do not know what to do and I need help…

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your question. Yes, we can totally understand why you’re confused. (She wants to see her ex but she doesn’t want you seeing yours.) But even though this is a double standard we also understand what’s going on for her.

Our sense is she’s protecting herself by still seeing her ex and hooking up with him. She may have really been into you when you were dating, but once you broke up with her—yes, we understand why— she is now no longer sure if she can trust you. And that’s the issue here. Trust. Andrew, you need to gain her trust back and that can take time.

Being her friend is a good first step. And while we realize that it’s very difficult for you to be friends with her while she’s still seeing her ex, you need to first help her understand that you won’t leave again. This means if she doesn’t “hear” you the first time you need to tell her over and over again until she finally understands that you really care for her and want to be with her. Making demands isn’t going to help the situation at this point even though you’re certainly not wrong to ask.

However, if after a while nothing changes, you might want to think whether she’s really The One. If she’s exhibiting destructive behavior by hooking up with guys AND not showing signs of wanting to change, then there’s no need to hang around and be a witness to it all.

Hopefully this will work out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted on how this turns out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Booty call or relationship trouble

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Showing too much love to my sister

_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

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Dear Guys,

I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.

But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.

A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.

He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.

I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.

My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.

Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)

I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…

Francine

Dear Francine,

Thanks for your question.

We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.

As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.

It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.

You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.

But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will ask for your advice.

So about three years ago I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are both 29.)

It went on for a few months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to act cool and moved away.

When I moved back I texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and started hooking up together again.

He kept asking me to hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).

Over Christmas a friend of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and catch up soon and that I missed him.

We have remained friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.

We both lead crazy busy lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA with. Is this even possible?

This weekend he texted me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical “we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.

I know we will be at the same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.

If I do contact him when and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I want the same page. How do I get there?

Dealing with Crazy Guys

Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,

Thanks for your question.

On the one hand you say you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had before. So which is it?

It seems that you’re really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore what a relationship might feel like with the other person?

It seems to us if you could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.

Women often say, “Once a player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s 29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?

We think you need to go on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because this will only serve to confuse you more.

We think you should give this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)

Keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

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Does future career always trump future relationship?

Dumped by text

Should I start an affair?

Wooing at a distance

Dear Guys,

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

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Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Dear Readers,

This beautiful and honest piece was received as a comment to a recent relationship question/answer on our “Ask the Guys” page. The post was entitled, “Dating in my 20s as a single mother.” Also, read, “Will guys date single mothers?” for more information.

Thank you Sabrina for sharing your experiences.

THE GUYS

Dating in my 20s as a single mother by Sabrina

I can offer up the firsthand view and experience of dating in single motherhood…

I wanted to get married and start a family at a young age, and I did just that; less than a week after turning 18 I married my high school boyfriend of eight months. Almost two years into our marriage, I gave birth to our daughter, and by the time she was two and a half and just shy of our 4 year anniversary, we were divorced. Like Paul and The Guys above state, I was looking to fill a void. Not by having my daughter, but by having the whole ‘happy and complete’ family fantasy that I never had growing up. Of course it’s taken me many years to honestly see and admit that fact.

My dad wasn’t around like he should have been because he was military, and he was busy with other women behind my mothers’ back for the 17 years they were married. I love my dad, we are better now than we were when I was a kid, but he wasn’t the shining male example I should have had and it has caused me to fall for and accept men of similar, bad treatment towards the women they claim to love.

When I decided I deserved someone who truly wanted to be a husband and proper example of a man, I asked my husband for a divorce even though the worry crossed my mind about being so young and a single parent that no one would want the ‘baggage’ I would be carrying when dating again. I decided though that I would rather be happy and back on my own and most likely single for some time to come, than in a marriage that would never work. My advice is this;

As a single mother, the few men I have dated over the 5+ years I’ve been single now have been losers. The first I dated was very brief, only a couple months. He lied, met women behind my back, begged for a loan that he promised he’d pay back, and then took that loan and flew back to his hometown of Vegas.

After him, I ended up in an abusive relationship for four years with someone younger (you can never know the difficulty of leaving something as such until you experience it yourself, believe you me). When my daughter grew to an age where she could truly comprehend the difference between good and bad treatment, I finally got the courage to leave and set the example for my daughter —he was very good to her, but horrid to me—I booted him for good. It was one of the most difficult things to have her understand when he had been involved with us for so long; but when I was able to tell her and show her that when you love someone you are not cruel and unkind, she understood.

I have been so used to being with a man that I jumped from that relationship right into another who honestly DID seem to be what I had been missing. He professed love for my daughter and we integrated our lives quickly; I was convinced I had finally met ‘The One.’ We were together almost a year when last November he left me for his high school flame whom he never dated but always wondered ‘what if’ about when she relocated back over from Eastern Washington. My daughter and I were crushed. She’s almost 8, and damn it, I’m almost 30 and I’m tired of the games men keep playing. And that last one was even 30, so some men aren’t even mature and ready by their 30′s! It’s literally luck and chance of meeting the right person who means what they say and will forever stick around.

I’ve been refraining from dating until a new year since my ex left, and I’ve been surprisingly happy with the break. 20 is so young, and really, you are going to change so much over the next decade. I’m 27 and amazed at how my taste and desires have manifested over the years, and it’s taken all of my experiences to get it. Being a single mother is a rough road and being so young can make it feel like the end of the world and you’ll always be alone. But here’s the thing; you won’t. There are men who will be involved with a single mother, but unfortunately, a great deal of them will be wrong for you. You have to take your time with everything and approach relationships far more slowly and carefully now that you are one plus a little one. It’s going to feel like an eternity, and you’re going to feel lonely A LOT. But when the right man eventually makes his way into your life, the patience will all have been worth it.

Focus on you, living an amazing life, and be a shining example of a strong independent woman for your daughter. Mine asked me the other day if this year I was going to have a boyfriend. I giggled and looked at her with a grin on my face and said, ”Maybe, anything can happen. But you know what, if it happens, great, and if it doesn’t, then that’s okay too. When I’m supposed to be with the right person, it will happen, but right now, I’m very happy with how things are.” And I meant every word. Her response, “Right Mom, we are happy together!” I feel wonderful knowing my daughter is seeing and feeling such positiveness from my choices. Love/Relationships/Dating/Marriage is just a piece of the lives we live and lead, don’t let it be your all consuming focus. What’s meant to happen, will. Don’t give up hope, be strong, and know that good things come to those who deserve it :]

Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

What does he really want?

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My guy is an alcoholic; I just want him to realize what he’s lost

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

What does he really want?

Dear Guys,

I was with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years. He cheated on me in the past with a girl who is nothing but wrong for him; she has a bad reputation as a known alcohol and drug user. He had a year long affair with her and she influenced him into drinking heavily. When I found out he cheated I left and disappeared from his life for about six months without any arguments and questions. I just accepted that it wasn’t me he wanted so I left him to be happy with her.

After about six months his family members came to me in desperate need, saying he was finding it hard to cope with life without me and therefore turning to alcohol as a barrier to block out the pain. I also witnessed this myself as I couldn’t just take their word for it. At that point in time I really thought he had realized what he lost and really did regret cheating. After convincing me that he was no longer in touch with the other woman I gave him another chance.

He was open and honest with me for a little while when the other woman would try to get in contact with him. He changed his phone number many times but she still got a hold of him. She would post him a letter or sit outside his house. As he was honest about her I believed he wouldnt risk losing me again. But just a few days ago I found out that he was still in contact with her and talks to her all night on the phone. I’m now back at the same stage I was when he first cheated. I don’t understand where I went wrong? Over the 7 years I did so much for him. His family absolutely adores me. When I confronted him about cheating again, he completely lost the plot and told me I was being crazy and paranoid and that I should go and kill myself. He also said that he doesn’t want me in his life and he wished I would just get lost. So once again I decided to leave.

But my question to you today is, if it was her he wanted why did he send his family to come find me? Will he ever realize and cry for me the way I cried for him?

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Your guy has no idea what he wants or who he wants to be with because he’s using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with life. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but he is ill and needs to get help in order to reclaim himself and get his life back in order.

He is not making a choice between you or this other woman, he’s making a choice between two different lifestyles. This other woman is part of the lifestyle where he uses drugs, and you’re part of his clean living lifestyle. At this point in time he’s not capable of choosing you. It might feel like he’s choosing her, but in reality it’s the chemicals running through his bloodstream that are doing most of the talking.

Why would his family come to you? Because they want to see him healthy and happy, and probably when he’s able to think straight he tells them how much he cares for you. They know you are a good person and are a positive force in his life. However, you aren’t the savior here. Certainly you can support this man if you choose to do so. (Emotionally we mean.) But at this point he’s just going to drag you down with the ship if you choose to be in a relationship with him.

We think you did the right thing by leaving. You have to protect yourself. If he’s cheating on you with this other woman this could be a physical risk for you, but the emotional toll of being with him is even more detrimental to your well being. Will he ever realize what he lost and cry for you? Possibly, but only when he’s sober and seeing the world through a new lens—the kind that isn’t tainted with chemicals. This could take some time, and also may never happen.

Jo, you need to try and move on. You need to surround yourself with people who are healthy and positive, and who support you. Focus on the things you love. Your ex is going to have to figure this out on his own, and/or with the support of his family.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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I cheated on him; should I tell him?

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I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

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My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings?? I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think?? Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button.)

Does this older guy like me?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Dear Guys,

Ok, so I’m 15 year old and I like this guy that just graduated from my highschool. He is a freshman in college now. We both are interested in volleyball and I guess whenever he isn’t in school, at work, or doing volleyball, he comes to help out our varsity team. I see him like 2-3 times a week. I can sort of tell he is into me but I’m not sure. He helps me out a lot when I’m stuck on something and is very supportive. (More supportive than he is to the other girls)

For example: We recently had a home game and it was an important one, too. It was towards the end of the game and the coach called a timeout. And during the timeout this guy got me a cup of water and said, “You’re tired but don’t worry about that. Just push through it.” But I didn’t really catch on to what he did until after the game and then that’s when it hit me. LOL!

He smiles or laughs sometimes whenever I trip or make a corny joke. Or he just says “stop” but in a jokingly way. He watches me a lot too and tells me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it.

Should I try talking to him? Because everytime we DO talk it’s abut volleyball. But I also don’t want to distract him from his college stuff. UGHHH! I don’t know if he is just being friendly or what, but I need to have something to go off of here!

Sooo, does he like me?

Tay

Dear Tay,

Thanks for your question.

So being 15 years old makes you either a freshman or sophomore in high school, right? And this guy is a freshman in college so he’s likely 18 going on 19, right? We’re just trying to get the facts straight. Because in addition to your question, we also feel we need to address the age disparity.

From what you describe we would say that yes, he likes you, or at least that he’s attracted to you. But he’s in a funny position. Not only is he the “assistant coach” to your volleyball team, but he’s an older, and legal guy, who’s possibly interested in a younger girl, who’s underage. We’re not saying you should feel weird about this, or that he’s creepy. In a few years, a three to four year age difference won’t even be a consideration. But right now it’s kind of a big deal, and honestly there’s no way he can really pursue you beyond a friendship. And he shouldn’t really.

Have you watched our video on dating older guys? It’s a little snarky but it’s all true. You should check it out. And have your friends check it out as well.

We also don’t think it’s a good idea for you to pursue him at this point. We think you should just keep doing what you’re doing. Be friendly, or be friends with him. Enjoy each other’s company when you see him and maybe keep the lines of communication open with him. If he’s still in the picture in a few years(when you’re 18 or so), maybe you can explore something then. Relationships are as much about love and attraction as they are about timing. The timing isn’t quite right here Tay.

We hope this wasn’t too discouraging for you. We try to be as positive and supportive as we can, but it’s even more important for us to be honest and straightforward.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Why did we really break up?

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Being Single on Thanksgiving; Is it really so bad?

Is there anything worse than being a Turkey on Thanksgiving?

Probably not, but being single is a close second. But is it?

The biggest problem with being single is that everyone feels sorry for you. On the one hand it’s nice that people are looking out for you. Being alone on a major holiday can be a bummer. But the fact that everyone feels the need to invite you to their home only amplifies the obvious: That you have no place to go to, and no one special in your life to share the holiday with.

But there are advantages to being single on holidays.

1. Sometimes being single, far away from your family, is not such a bad thing. This way you get to avoid the family get together. Because to avoid the family get together also means to avoid the family drama, for which there will always be some. Whether it’s some secret that gets revealed by a drunk uncle who’s had too much wine before the Tryptophan has kicked in and knocked him out, or some thoughtless cousin who makes some rude remark about the food—which causes a huge ruckus in the kitchen and an uncomfortable silence during dinner—there’s always some drama. And who needs it? Because it takes at least two weeks of chocolate and naps to recover from it all.

2. But seeing the drama unfold in someone eles’s family is awesome. There’s certainly something pleasurable in witnessing other families actually have some level of dysfunction too. Even those Perfect Families. So be sure to accept that invite to get your front row seat.

3. You have choices. You’re mobile. You can turkey hop until you find the house with just the right combination of food. You can find the house with the biggest Flat Screen TV to watch the football games, or you can excuse yourself right after dinner without feeling guilty. No one will be angry with you if you leave; they’ll just feel sorrier for you, which you’ll be able to milk for all it’s worth at a later date. Yeah, like Christmas. Bring on the gifts!

4. You can stay home if you’d like. That’s right. Pick up an order of Moo Goo Gai Pan, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken with Black Bean Sauce at the local Chinese place, and a bunch of video rentals, and spend the day on the couch. (Listen to our Podcast about this very topic. Episode #49 “Nerds & Jocks, Turkey and Funny Women” ) There’s nothing like Chinese food and a movie during a major holiday. Judaism: 101 and Greetings

5. Make up your own holiday. They’ve got to start somewhere. Why not with you? Remember Festivus on Seinfeld?

So if you’re reading this and you’re not single, we ask you to open up your hearts and open up your homes. Because this is the holiday for giving. Just don’t be surprised if your invitation is rebuffed. Single people have choices. And it’s likely they actually have something way more interesting planned than you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy,

THE “single” GUYS

ps. Join us on Twitter. Who knows, maybe you’ll get invited over for some pie? @TGPBuzz

I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

Dear Readers,

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THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits

Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?” or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.

THE GUYS

Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

This is kind of a long story but I really need some guys’ opinions on this. Most women can rate their friends in their life and this boy is my 2nd best friend in the world. I would do anything for him. We knew of each other because of mutual affiliations but didn’t become friends until I started dating his friend. During the time I dated his ex we became close friends. But after being with my ex for 4 years—with all of us being part of the same circle—the break up kinda made things weird between the whole group.

Now for the hard part. This guy and I have always been very attracted to each other and are super comfortable and trusting of each other. A couple of months after my break up the sexual tension between us became overwhelming and things started happening. We would both try to stay away from each other but we attend the same university and see each other every day so that was really hard to do. I feel horrible because I don’t want to get between him and his friend (my ex) and he feels guilty about it. But whenever we see each other it’s really hard to keep things platonic. And as if that wasn’t bad enough I’m scared that these feelings are going to morph into romantic ones especially when he has started saying and doing some really sweet things. (And I really like him) And even though these thoughts don’t occur often, every so often they will pop up. He has expressed that he wants me not just because of my body but because it’s me. Things have been normal between us despite all sexual relations and none of our other friends have noticed anything yet. He is too important of a friend for me to lose. I want to stop because I don’t want to cause problems between our groups of friends but I do not want to stop at the same time.

I hate drama but “OMG” I love how this boy makes me feels and it’s getting harder to control this. And I’m also curious about how he feels about me, but I’m way too scared to ask. I don’t know what to do.

Please any kind of advice will help.

Flora

Dear Flora,

Thanks for your question.

You’d be surprised; this type of situation happens more than you might think. And it makes sense in some ways. When people spend a lot of time together intimacy happens. This intimacy can be the friend variety, it can be the romantic variety, or it can be something in between. While you were dating your ex you were also getting to know this guy and forming a strong bond with him. You can’t help it that he happened to be good looking too. So what we’re saying is, you should stop beating yourself up over this. Sure you might feel guilty, but this makes perfect sense, and we see nothing wrong in you wanting a relationship with your ex’s friend now that the two of you have broken up.

However, we’re not so sure if it makes perfect sense for your “friend.” He stands to lose more than you if the two of you are “found out.” (And we’re not so sure your friends and his friends don’t already suspect something’s going on between you. People can smell that kind of thing a mile away. No, we’re not being literal here, but we are being serious.) He will likely lose his friend (your ex) if the two of you continue to move forward. There’s a kind of an unwritten code between guys which states: Guys don’t date their best friend’s ex-girlfriends. And most of the time this isn’t difficult to abide by because most guys don’t like the idea of dating a woman their best friend has had sex with. However, like we said before, it happens more than people might think. So basically your “friend” has some serious thinking to do. He is going to have to make a choice between you or his friend (your ex), unless your ex is one of those super understanding guys. We don’t know any ourselves. (Side note: Sometimes after a very long period of time it’s okay to date a friend’s ex. This would be years though.)

Back to you.

If you are really into this guy we don’t see anything wrong with seeing where it goes. Because if you don’t, you’re always going to wonder what would or could have happened. And there’s nothing worse than regret in this life. We’re not guaranteeing it’s going to work out for you, and we’re not guaranteeing it’s not going to get messy or even ugly. But on the flipside if it does work out into a long term romantic partnership—that sounds so formal, but you know what we mean—then it will all be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you can at least feel good that you took a chance on love.

But this all comes down to communication. You need to tell your “friend” how you feel and what you want. He’s not a mind reader. And based on what you say he very well might feel the same way about you. See what his reaction is and see what his take on the situation is. If the two of you decide to move forward with a more serious commitment you might want to think about calling your ex, or meeting with him, and explaining the new situation. (Yes, this will be hard and not necessarily pretty, but at least he’ll hear it from your mouth.) Your friend might want to do the same, although we wouldn’t want to be present for that. (Just kidding…kind of.) In general we think it’s best to be open and honest with the people in your life.

But what you shouldn’t do is continue what you’re doing now. If you’re not going to be serious about this relationship you should stop the “friends with benefits” thing immediately. In the end that’s not going to be good for anyone involved, especially you.

Good luck. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask us a follow up question. (In the comments section here)

THE GUYS

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Also:

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Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating a Younger Guy

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We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

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THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No Boundaries)

Summer fling or boyfriend?

Dear Guys,

So, there’s this guy. We’ve known eachother since we were ten (we’re seventeen now), and have been more or less friends since we met. Our families are good friends, so we see each other a lot. I’m close friends with his siblings (older and younger) as well as him.

Anyways, three or so years ago everyone was talking about how he really liked me, and he actually did since he told people. I had had a “crush” on him before, but nothing had ever come of it since I had a boyfriend at the time. People eventually stopped talking about it. After my boyfriend and I broke up last summer though, he started always being around. He would always make a point to come over and talk to me; he emailed me constantly and was always teasing me. He also stared at me all the time, etc., and we got really close. I kinda started liking him again. Then his sister said she was pretty sure he still had feelings for me. So I spent a while thinking about how I felt—I wanted to be sure my feelings for him weren’t just a rebound—and decided that I really did like him a whole lot rather than because I had just broken up. So I kinda flirted back with him a bit, and it was fun. We weren’t quite best friends, but we were really pretty close and talked about a lot of stuff.

This went on for like eight or nine months, but this summer it just stopped. Now I might be standing right next to him at a party and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. I’ve even tried to start a conversation a couple times, but he just gave monosyllabic answers so I gave up. This went on for three months. We even had to ride in a car for three hours with two other people and he would pointedly talk to everyone except me. Nobody knew why he was being like that, and he didn’t do it to anyone else. So I tried to get over him since he was being so weird for no apparent reason. But I still like him.

Then in August he started talking to me again, but not really. Like, if we’re standing together we’ll make polite small talk, and he’ll make eye contact with me again, but he never goes out of his way to communicate with me, and when we have to communicate via email or text, he gives real short answers and doesn’t seem to really want to talk. Normally I would think that this means that he obviously is not into me, but a lot of times I’ll look up and he’ll be staring at me. And there have been a couple times when we’ll be in a group and he’ll say something funny and when I start laughing we’ll make eye contact and hold it for a really long time… stuff like that. I’ve talked to one of his older brothers and one of his younger sisters (two of my really close friends) and they both seem to think that there’s a really good chance, but neither of them know for sure. I don’t get it at all.

So I guess what I’m asking is what is ya’lls perspective on why he might have stopped talking to me all of the sudden, and why is he acting so weird?? Am I seeing what I want to see even though he really doesn’t want to even be friends, or does he still have feelings for me?

Thanks a ton!

~Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

Actually it seems to us that he does like you but no longer knows how to act around you. He’s lost his easy going demeanor because he is uncertain how you feel about him. So instead of telling you how he feels, he does the opposite, and ignores you. This is like the elementary school boy who throws snowballs at the girl he likes because he wants her attention and doesn’t know how to express himself. Your friend sounds inexperienced.

However, the fact that your families are close does make the situation a bit more complicated. We can see why he might not want to let his feelings be known. If you don’t reciprocate then he’s left in a very uncomfortable position.

So what should you do? Well, Rose, that’s up to you. If you feel comfortable being the initiator then go for it. But if you don’t—which we totally would understand—you’ll have to drop some serious hints to let him know that you might be open to something more than just friends. And maybe, if they are willing, you can get his brother and sister to help you?

If in fact he doesn’t like you, and our interpretation is off, then frankly, you’re better off moving on to be with someone who’s going to be more straightforward about his feelings. AND with someone who is able to express himself.

But good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend and his ex-wife (No boundaries)

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Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

He asks ME to call HIM

Dear Guys,

I was dating a man for over a year. He is very active in his teenage son’s life, which I think is wonderful. My problem was his relationship with his ex-wife. She wanted to car pool, have him watch her dog, etc. She always called asking him for favors when he was supposed to be going out with me.

I always came last. He gave me flowers once, but then told me what his ex-wife said when he gave her the same ones. He seems to not care about my feelings. We broke up when I tried to talk to him about how I felt.

Should I have no say in my own relationship? He should put his son ahead of me, but the ex and the dog???

Thanks,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your question.

We can see why you were so frustrated being with this man and why you ultimately broke up with him.

The dating world is vastly more complex than it used to be. When you factor in ex-spouses, kids from previous marriages, and joint ownership of material things—houses, cars, boats, even dogs—relationships get to be very difficult to navigate.

When people have kids from a previous relationship it is their duty to figure out the best way to care for the kids, even if they have irreconcilable differences themselves. This often means being in frequent contact and sometimes even doing things as a “family.” (We realize this might sound odd, but maintaining an amicable relationship with an ex is a key ingredient to raising emotionally healthy children.) And there is no correct formula for doing this.

However, your guy is overdoing it. The two of them are still emotionally dependent on each other. Their contact should be limited to raising their kids together not helping with chores or other such things that couples do for each other.

We think you have a pretty healthy perspective on the situation, and understand that yes, you do come second behind his child, at least until the boy is old enough to be on his own. (And maybe even then too.) But your guy should still make your relationship a priority and show you how much he cares for you, and how much he values the relationship. It sounds to us like your guy is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. Well, besides his ex.

We hope this helps give you some perspective. And yes, you should have a say in your own relationship.

THE GUYS

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He asks ME to call HIM

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Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Homecoming Dance: I think I really like him

Hi Guys!

Thanks a lot for reading my message.

I met this good looking guy at a party before summer vacation. He asked for my number and my email before we said bye. Then he asked if I would call him. This question confused me, but I said yes. He never called me or anything.

One month later I sent him a friendly text message. He never replied. So, I didn’t do anything more. I saw him the first week of classes after the summer. I just said hi in a friendly way. Two days later I received an email. I replied 4 days later, but he never replied back. Then I saw him on a party a week ago. I said hi and we started talking. In less than 10 minutes, he asked if he could visit my lab at school. Also, he made plans to go the library with me, but again he asked me to call him or send him a message. Very directly, I told him, “I’m not going to do it because you don’t reply.” He said, fine he would call. Of course he never called or replied.

My instinct tells me to forget him. He seems not as interested as he appears to be when he sees me. I just need a confirmation please. Also, before I forget, a friend who knows him told me that he is shy, but I can’t believe this, because he starts hitting on me in less than 10 min. of the conversation.

Is he a pathological player or what?

Thanks again guys,

Winterflake

Dear Winterflake,

Thanks for you question.

Your instincts are right. This guy is a waste of time and energy. He might be attracted to you, but he’s not interested enough to do much about it. (And forget the whole shy angle. He’s not shy. He’s used to women coming after him.)

And let’s just say for some reason the two of you actually started dating. Can you imagine the frustration in dealing with someone who doesn’t communicate well? This guy doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t keep his word, and he’s complacent and apathetic.

We say, move on.

And oh, here’s a good general rule: Guys should be the ones pursuing AND calling.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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What is going on in my marriage? I am confused and tormented

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

Check out our latest video: Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow up)

Dear Guys,

I married my husband about 18 months ago. We had only been together for 6 months when he proposed – he tells me he was “so in love with me” and he was the first man I dated after a 12 year marriage. Two months after we got engaged, I got pregnant. We still got married and had our daughter. Unfortunately, the month before our daughter was born his “friends” started being rude etc (calling me out on public social networks) because he had a fight with them. I apparently was the cause. When our daughter was born he went to the “friends” begging for their forgiveness – I felt betrayed that he would do that to me. I told him this and he said that I was being ridiculous and dismissed my concern. He no longer talks to them. (By his choice)

We have had a number of issues since January of this year:

a) He closed his company and is no longer earning the same amount as before. I am now carrying the burden of “our” joint debt as well as having to pay for his car payments, insurance etc

b) He works any and all hours that are available and leaves me raising our kids. I have to pretty much beg him to help.

c) A month ago I found condoms in an overnight bag. I asked him about it and he was very very upset and angry with me. Asking me how could I ever accuse him of cheating on me. A week later, I found a condom in his console of his truck while helping him look for something. I was so hurt and upset and figured that maybe our marriage was done. He threatened me that “there would be no turning back.” A week after that incident that condom is missing. (I put money in console and noticed it was missing.) When he found out I knew, he told me that he threw it out because I was so upset. But he hasn’t gotten rid of the condoms in the overnight bag? I am totally confused. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he got very hurt and upset with me. He tells me that I should know and how could I even imagine that? He tells me that if I don’t trust him then we have serious problems.

d) Our sex life doesn’t exist. We have had sex twice in the last 2 months. When I ask him about it, he blames it on: the fact that he is tired, I don’t make an effort in any way (either appearance wise with the appropriate lingerie), and I don’t make any gestures that I am interested. We never have had “a lot of sex” since we dated. In the prime of our relationship it might have been once a week maximum. He then tells me that he is disappointed because I tease him and tell him that I might go out and get lingerie.

e) I mention to him about counseling and he tells me that “if we need counseling then we have SERIOUS marriage issues”… He then tells me that we don’t.

f) I ask him if he loves me and he gets very upset and angry- telling me that he would do anything for me and our daughter and he is tired of having to keep on telling me. He tells me that he loves me more than life itself and that I’ll ever know.

g) He reminds me of how I have changed – I don’t make lunches for him etc

h) He gets angry if I call him at work – Tuesday night when I called to ask him when he would be home (he left at 8:30am and when I called him it was 9pm) “when he was tired.”

So, if he loves me why is he doing this?????

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question. We’re not sure what he’s actually doing? Or is it what he’s not doing? Let’s try and figure this out.

We can see how you’d be suspicious, but finding condoms in his truck or his overnight bag is not enough to incriminate him. Were they always there and you just never noticed them? Was this overnight bag something he used to bring to your place? Sometimes guys have old condoms lying around just out of habit. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. (We’re not saying the possibility isn’t there, what we’re saying is, in order to answer this question we’re going to take him at his word. It’s up to you whether you do. And you would know that better than us. But everything we say here is based on taking him at his word.)

Let’s start with the sex. It’s very common for a couple’s sex life to decrease a bit once life consumes them. If you only had sex once a week in your prime courting time, it only makes sense for you to be having even less sex now. Also, your husband is now working odd hours, you also have a kid, and you have bills to pay. By the end of the day he’s probably wiped out and possibly overwhelmed with trying to foot his share of the load. It only makes sense that he’s not that interested in sex. Also, if you’re constantly asking him to prove his love and loyalty that’s probably contributing to his general lack of interest.

FYI: Many guys have a higher libido in the morning. Any chance you can rearrange your day and make this happen? With so much on your collective plate, you might need to mix it up a bit. Get creative. Try new things, new times of the day, new places, etc.

If your husband truly loves you like he says he does then your constant mistrust of him, AND his love, is seriously undermining your relationship. (We don’t know him, so once again we’ll take him at face value.) It can get tiring to have to prove to someone over and over how much you love them. And in your case it’s more a reflection of your own insecurity rather than his lack of love. We do agree with you that counseling, or seeing someone as a couple so you can voice your feelings, might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, it’s pretty typical that guys will be resistant to this sort of thing, especially if he doesn’t understand why you don’t trust him.

The only way you can make this work is to start trusting him Lola. And if you don’t trust him then you need to rethink your commitment to him and the relationship. But until you know for sure that he’s doing something unsavory, we think you need to do everything you can to hold up your end of the relationship. And then of course it’s up to him to do the same.

We do wish you the best and hope you can work this out. We don’t like to see families break apart.

THE GUYS

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The Guy’s Perspective Rule #666: Guys are comfortable with conflict

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Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow Up question)

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The Duality of Men

Hi Guys,

It’s Sadie again and I have another(!!) question for you to please ponder. It’s a follow–up to the question I sent you about a month or so ago (“Long Distance: Should I Pursue?”). As it turns out, even though my internships went well in England I decided to come back to Canada for at least another 5 or 6 months. I’m back to seeing my friend who I went to Rome with. My question boils down to the fact that I’m not sure how he genuinely feels about me. I know you’re not mind readers.

So, let me fill you in about what’s been going on with us since I last wrote you. Since then we’ve been pretty much in constant contact—usually Facebook messages a few times a week and the occasional Skype chat. He became better about instigating contact with me, especially if a few days would go by if he hadn’t heard from me. I don’t feel anymore as though I am the one putting in the bulk of the effort to stay in touch. When I got back to Canada a couple weeks ago he didn’t “play it cool” (as I put it last time) by biding his time before calling me; he messaged me on Facebook a few times and as soon as I sent him my new number he texted me then called me the same day; he wasted no time! So we met up last week and had a really fun time; it was pretty much just like before I left. I haven’t seen him since then because we’re both pretty busy right now so I don’t know yet how the dynamic between us will progress now that I’m back for longer than a couple of months.

Fortunately, I followed your advice you gave me before. (Read her first post readers) But now I realize that the position I have put myself in is that of a FWB (Friends with Benefits).

At any rate, before I came back to Canada I told myself I wouldn’t let myself be a friend-with-benefits but evidently I didn’t do a very good job of making that clear! I kept changing my mind as to whether or not I’d be able to be in a FWB relationship with him. On the one hand, I am happy enough to keep it like this because we do get along really well and I really like spending time with him. I really do value his friendship and I don’t want to risk losing the closeness I have with him if I cut out the intimacy factor. I’m not sure if he would still put in the consistent effort that he does to spend time with me if we kept our friendship platonic. If he were to tell me that he wanted to actually commit to me I’d have no hesitation for that. I know that’s what I want from him but I’m almost thinking if that’s what I want at the end of the day then maybe I should keep it status quo and see if anything progresses?

But that this leads me to total confusion. How does he actually feel about me? Whenever I talk about how he is with me people always think it sounds really positive with potential. But when I did address “us” with him his response boiled down to that he’s not sure if he can be committed in a relationship at this time. Fair enough – but maybe he’s letting me down nicely. He told me he cares about me and he’s sweet with me; and he makes a better effort to see me etc etc On the surface it does kind of seem as though he wants to date me. My take on FWB relationships is that, in general, the friends don’t necessarily feel a super strong enough connection to want anything much more than what they’re already getting out of the relationship. Stemming from that perspective, I’m not really sure about how much they genuinely care about each other. I see those relationships as the kind to most likely just fizzle out because I think that there should be more of a build up or gradual progression in a serious relationship. I know that if he were to tell me tomorrow that he has met someone and wants to start dating her I’d be very upset but I’m not sure how upset he’d be if I told him tomorrow that I met someone and was going to pursue a committed relationship with a new guy. And even though I know I should ask I really don’t want to bring this up because I’ve already had this sort of talk with him before. Should I just maintain this friend-with-benefits relationship and just hope it doesn’t totally fizzle??

Sorry this was so long winded, but in a nutshell I am really hoping you can give me your perspective about how you think he feels about me. Should I just keep it as a FWB situation with him in hopes it might progress into something down the road? I should mention that I’m really good at keeping myself busy and I’m still keeping my eyes open for something more substantial, but on that front I won’t let anything go too fast. ( Lol!) I don’t think I’ll let myself miss opportunities for this one guy I’m fixated on right now even if it stays status quo.

Thanks!!!

Sadie

Dear Sadie,

Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for your question.

Here’s a progression for you to ponder:

Phase 1: Friendship
Phase 2: Friends with Benefits
Phase 3: One person—often the woman—starts to develop strong feelings beyond physical intimacy. (Emotional connection)
Phase 4: Frustration and confusion ensue
Phase 5: Heartache

We don’t see a happy ending to this situation Sadie. Sure he likes you, and might treat you well when he sees you, but we don’t see this developing beyond exactly what it is: a fun booty call for him.

If you’re staying in this relationship hoping it’s going to progress into something more serious we think you should move on. If you really think you can handle being in this situation and have fun with it, then continue the status quo. On the one hand you say you’re happy enough to have some sort of relationship with him, but then in the same breath you say you’d totally jump at being in a relationship with him if he asked you. This disparity troubles us. It seems clear to us that you want something more from this guy. (And we think it’s pretty clear to you as well.) And honestly if he’s just sweet and friendly with you because he’s getting “benefits” we just can’t see what you’re really getting from this. If this was just about sex, we imagine you could find many a willing partner for that .

We understand that you care for this guy and really want this to turn into a committed relationship, but from what we can tell, all the signs point to this remaining exactly as it is. And ultimately we see you being dissatisfied with this arrangement, and maybe even hurt by it.

Keep us posted. And good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

This girl is driving me mad

Dear Readers,

Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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The Duality of Men

Why is he not asking me out?

Hey Guys,

This has been bothering me so I thought an outside opinion may help. I have known this girl for about two years. And six months ago it started to get more serious. We started hanging every day and a couple months after that we had sex. Everyone who knows is all congratulating me but I feel like it didn’t mean or change anything. And now that school has started back up and things like the ACT are looming we don’t spend as much time together, which is normal except now, for the past few days I hear about how everyone sees her with her ex and it looks like they are dating.

I don’t really know what to do cuz this dude is starting drama I don’t need, and this girl doesn’t want to date me. (She says she would but she doesn’t want a boyfriend.) I care about her a lot but I am just confused.

Am I being played? Should I wait it out? I don’t know please help.

Dom

Dear Dom,

Thanks for your question.

So we’re not completely sure of all the details, but our best guess is, over the summer the two of you consummated your relationship, but without talking much about it. (We’re assuming you only had sex one or two times.) In fact, is it possible both of you actually avoided defining the relationship?—her because she didn’t want to be in one and you because you were uncertain of where she stood. And now that school is started up again, still not having talked about it, she is hanging out with her ex and you are left wondering.

According to some of the younger guys on our crew, high school is still about “going out” with one person rather than dating around. And if this girl is saying she doesn’t want a relationship with you, even after the two of you have had sex, it seems pretty clear that she’s not interested in more than a friendship and an occasional romp in the hay. It is pretty atypical that this girl would have sex with you and then not want to at least talk about a relationship with you, but she hasn’t wavered from that decision so it seems pretty clear that she in fact does not want to be tied down. (Unless she’s lying to spare your feelings and she really isn’t interested in you at all. That is something you should consider. And if that is what’s going on, yes, she might be playing you, and actually already dating her ex.) Either way, the message seems the same to us: She’s moved on.

The only way to be sure is to tell her how you feel and ask her directly what she’s really feeling. Of course if you do that, the drama will begin—with her, AND this other guy—and we’re not so sure much will come of it except more confusion for you. But it’s up to you.

One note: Many people, especially young people, think that sex leads to commitment. But in fact it’s the other way around. Sex is even better when it comes after commitment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. You might enjoy our last article, “The Duality of Men.”

The duality of men: Are all men dogs?

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a Total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

Dear Readers,

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Guys,

My distant cousin lives overseas. We got in touch through texting and gradually we started flirting heavily. We have a text-relationship. He called me twice too. I spent the holidays over in his country and we met up with our friends. The first day was still normal. But after the second day he became all cold. I asked him about it but all he said was he was bummed out that he had scratched his brand new BMW and he had not slept well—well he did meet me up with our friends for 2 days straight squeezing his other plans in.

Ever since then it has been a hot and cold thing. We met once after when he was in transit in my hometown with his friend. It seems that right after we met up he would be cold and so I would be too. But gradually we started flirting again, though never as heavy as the time before; and it’s him who always starts the flirting. Or like when I don’t text him or try to ignore him, he starts texting me everyday and is waiting for me to reply. We are both attached to other people as well and we both know each other’s “significant other” through FB, but we never talk about it.

I think both of us don’t expect the situation to be this way as we are related distantly. (We played together when we were younger.) But what does it mean on his part? What is he thinking? I too am unsure about what I am feeling but clearly this is bothering me enough for me to be asking about it. I find myself waiting for his texts and wondering or getting jealous if he’s out with his girl. And my heart skips a beat if I get his texts. HELP!!

Susan

Dear Susan,

Thanks for your question. We can see that this has thrown you for a loop. Sometimes our hearts have a mind of their own.

However, while dating or marrying your cousin is not against the law, it’s not typically a path most people feel comfortable heading down. We understand this guy is your distant cousin and probably shares little of your gene pool, but it’s still “taboo” enough where it seems like you’re both at least thinking and wondering if it’s something you should even pursue.

And maybe your relation to each other hasn’t stopped you from flirting, but it seems it’s enough of an issue that it might be affecting his behavior, and maybe even yours. (That and the fact that both of you are attached to other people currently, which may not be a bad thing in this particular situation.)

From what you describe we would typically say he’s not interested in being in a relationship with you, but in your case, since we have to factor in the “cousin” variable, it could just be a little too “out there” for him to handle. And instead of just saying that, he continues to give you mixed messages. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to feel completely comfortable with it, which could explain why he’s all flirty from a distance, but when you are actually in the same location he acts funny.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t pursue this, but the situation is ripe for this type of uncertainty and confusion.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Matt Lauzon: The Relationship Guy

The Relationship Guy by Saelen Ghose (Originally published in The MetroWest Daily)

Here’s an interesting concept: let’s all slow down to build relationships, by speeding up the pace of communication. This doesn’t make sense to you? Well, it didn’t for me either, that is, until I met Matt Lauzon, the CEO of Gemvara, the fastest growing online jewelry store in the world.

Sept 17 @saelenghose I signed up for Twitter today so I could follow Matt Lauzon and see why he uses it religiously.

Lauzon is a bit too young to be a dinosaur, but that’s exactly what he is. By using modern forms of communication—social networking, more specifically Twitter—he is bringing back some of the core values we seem to have lost in this me-centered, steroid-amped, “bigger is better” world. In fact, Lauzon cares so much about connecting with actual human beings that he’s encouraged, no, rather demanded, that each of his “Gemvarians” get on board with his list of Core Values. And top on that list: build meaningful relationships with everyone you touch. At this point it’s clear he’s not your typical CEO of a multi-million dollar company—more like a CRO: Chief Relationships Officer.

Sept 18 @saelenghose I learned something new on Twitter. RT stands for Re-Tweet: giving credit to the person who said it first.

“Is this guy for real?” I ask myself, not in a sarcastic or condescending way, but more of “I’m blown away” type of way. But here he is, quietly, but energetically explaining who he is and how he runs his company. Actually he doesn’t need to explain either because they are one and the same. Matt Lauzon is Gemvara. And Gemvara is Matt Lauzon. He’s building a brand where there are no boundaries. “There used to be a personal life brand and a business brand,” says Lauzon. “Some CEOs aren’t comfortable with this approach. A lot of people say I’m giving away too much by showing what I’m going to launch. But our fundamental belief is that we are going to be authentic and transparent and that’s a way to build credibility in a relationship.” I joke, “Really what you are selling is trust, not jewelry.” Lauzon stares at me, and then jumps up to write it down. I don’t realize it at that moment, but this is my first Re-Tweet.

Sept 16 @saelenghose RT @mattlauzon Funny how as a kid you dread hanging with your parents but as you get older you look forward to it.

Matt Lauzon is much younger than I am. Or rather, I am much older than Matt Lauzon, so when I discover his Tweet late one night about his parents, my heart warms. As a parent of three children myself, I can only dream that my kids will be announcing to the world their connection to me in some futuristic social networking fashion as Lauzon Tweets about his parents now. “My heart warms” is an understatement, more like my eyes moisten, and I have a strong urge to wake my kids and hug them.

Sept 13 RT @mattlauzon Enroute back to Boston. Committed to staying connected with different offices. Constant communication is so important.

Gemvara is not just an online jewelry destination; it is a family of people committed to building relationships, which includes the people employed by Gemvara, the new customers that consider Gemvara their jeweler, and the many followers on Twitter and other social networking sites that just want to be be part of something different, something moving, something groundbreaking—a throwback, if you will, to a time when people did business face-to-face.

The beginnings of Gemvara (www.gemvara.com) actually began with Paragon Lake, Lauzon’s first company which he co-founded while still an undergraduate at Babson. “I was fascinated by mass customization and ecommerce, so I started the company with a friend. We saw how disconnected it seemed that people couldn’t get exactly the jewelry they wanted.” So Paragon Lake filled this void by using web-based technology giving customers the ability to create their own personalized jewelry. “We launched in 50 jewelry stores. Our initial plan was to connect stores and online business. But what we realized is that you had to work directly with customers to build relationships. It was hard to work through local jewelers because they had their own way of doing things.” Born from that realization was Gemvara.

Lauzon launched Gemvara in March of 2010. Since then the business has grown exponentially to the point where Lauzon needed a bigger space to run his operations. In the last few months he has moved his company from its incubator space in Lexington to its current location in the heart of the financial district in Boston.

So I ask him, “Let’s say I wanted to buy my wife a ring. Take me through the steps.” I wasn’t actually in the market for a ring, but after sitting with Lauzon and listening to him speak about his company I’m almost ready to break out my wallet and become a customer. He tells me that I could pretty much create any piece I want, choosing from the many choices of gems, precious metals, and accessories. Their rendering technology allows customers to virtually create the piece of their dreams. After the customer is satisfied with his or her creation, Gemvara uses several manufacturers right here in the USA to make the jewelry. By not housing inventory, Gemvara is able to pass along savings to customers.

Sept 20 @saelenghose If jewelry equals relationships and relationships equal Gemvara then it would only follow that jewelry equals Gemvara.

While Lauzon is explaining his company to me he suddenly jumps up to draw a graph. I smile to myself. He definitely is authentic. Lauzon draws while explaining how people make decisions about purchasing products. “Initially, the decision comes from an emotional place. ‘I want to surprise my wife with a gift.’ Then it moves to a more rational place. ‘Is this good quality? Am I getting a deal? What’s the return policy?’ Then it moves back to an emotional place. ‘Is this the best gift I can get her?’ He continues. “Most companies spend 95% of their time and resources on the rational part of the decision. But we’re about building relationships, so we focus on the emotional. We spend a lot of time talking to customers on the phone, email, or live chat, about things that have nothing to do with jewelry.”

It’s clear that Lauzon is sincere. Every time we talk about the nuts and bolts of his company the conversation reverts back to building relationships. At one point while discussing why he uses Twitter to stay connected to people he pulls out his phone. “For example, my mom knows what’s going on with me. She reads my Tweets.” As he tries to explain what he means, he pauses and says, “It’s so, um….” He pauses again, mind churning. “That would be funny. We should get my mom on the phone and have her describe how Twitter works for her. She would be so excited. Or would that be a weird thing to do?” I stare at him and think, “A loyal and loving son. If he’s not careful I’m going to hug him too.”

Sept 22 @saelenghose If you have no idea what Twitter is, join, just to follow @Matt Lauzon #Gemvara (# marks a keyword in a Tweet.)

As I wrap up our interview I ask him what’s in store for the future. He talks about doing another “Pay it Forward” event like the one he organized on a lark with friends in June of 2011, called Ruby Riot. (“Pay it forward” being when you don’t repay the person who did something nice for you. Instead, you do something nice for someone else.) Lauzon and some friends organized this event hoping people from all walks of life would come. “We just asked that everyone commit to doing at least one good thing for someone else. And over 900 people showed up. There were so many people, a second location opened up for the people waiting in line. I’d like to do more stuff like Ruby Riot. I’m passionate around the Innovation District, and the startup scene here in the Boston area. I’m trying to facilitate more people being successful here.”

And so it comes back to building relationships. Lauzon and Gemvara are the same, intertwined by a united goal of building a community, a family. This is easy for Lauzon because it’s his life, his job. CRO: Chief Relationships Officer.

Sept 24 @saelenghose I’m a believer. #Gemvara

TGP Ep.45 Lorenzo Lamas, Ten+ Great Fall Date Ideas and Your Questions

TGP Ep.45 Lorenzo Lamas, Ten+ Great Fall Date Ideas and Your Questions [ 56:00 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Meat: The Guys sit down with actor, director, producer Lorenzo Lamas and have a very frank discussion about fame, overcoming adversity, relationships and marriage, and the legacy of strong role models in our lives.

Win a Pair of Tickets to “The King and I” at The North Shore Music Theatre! Contact us at 347-855-GUYS or at the Contact Us page and mention or leave the us the subject line RENEGADE to be entered for our drawing. Remember to leave us your email or phone number so we can contact the winner. Good luck!

Are We the Only Ones?: It’s easy to find ourselves in a dating rut. What’s it going to be? A movie rental and take-out…. again?! Sai and Cucch give their ten (plus) ideas for great interesting and accessible Fall dates.

Visit your local vineyard or winery
Tackle the challenge of an Autumn corn maze
Go apple or pumpkin picking
Take a hayride (or Haunted Hayride if the spirit moves you)
Go leaf peeping
Hit the yard sales or browse some dusty antique shops
Visit a local museum or gallery
Hike, bike, picnic or frisbee golf your way through your local woods
Take in some fun local sports. Soccer, Football, you name it!
Find some great Fall activities at a nearby ski resort
Take in your local Oktoberfest
Attend a costume party or better yet host your own!

Ask the Guys: We take on four great questions from you our listeners.

Ashley “Am I his girlfriend or a fling?”
Jill “Caught him cheating”
Cathy “Confused. Does he think of us as just friends?”
Sara “Should I give my boyfriend a taste of his own medicine?”

As always if you have any comments, kudos or criticisms let us know. You can also share your stories in any of our segments including:
Pet Peeves
Father Stories
Are We the Only Ones
Youth is Wasted on the Young
The Truth
Stream of Consciousness
Ask the Guys
Call our voicemail line any time 24/7 at 347-855-GUYS (4897) or Contact Us at the website.

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Long distance: Should I pursue?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Why is he being secretive?

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Booty call or long haul?

Hi Guys,

I hope things are well with you.

After almost 3 years I saw my ex husband again and it feels like the first day I met him. Luckily he feels the same way. However, he is in a new relationship and asked the lady to leave but she told him to tell me if we want her to leave I must throw out her stuff. I can’t do that.

We have a little boy together that visits his dad quite often. It breaks my heart to see my boy with this lady. And this woman doesn’t want my ex to go to places without her so he and I can’t have a proper talk.

We’ve both wondered if we could maybe cancel the divorce. What would be the steps be to cancel it? We really think that things can work out for us, but like I said the lady is the problem. She doesn’t want to leave unless we can cancel the divorce. Then she says she will leave.

I hope to hear from soon.

Thanks,

Lizette

Dear Lizette,

Thanks for your question.

We’re not quite sure what you mean by canceling the divorce, especially three years later. Do you mean an annulment? We think it’s probably a bit late for that. Read about it here: Annulment.

But what puzzles us is: Why are you both letting this other woman dictate the course of your lives? Unless the situation is much more complicated than it seems, she shouldn’t be prohibiting the two of you from being together. It sounds like you both feel sorry for her, which means you both have good hearts, but even still, that shouldn’t stop you from being together. We’re sure there’s a way to help her land on her feet and also reunite with your ex. You’ll have to figure that one out though.

You are not the first couple to consider trying again after getting divorced. Sometimes people aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship the first time around. But by the time they meet up again, they’ve both gained insight into relationships, gathered more life experience, and now know what they really want. Hopefully the two of you are at this place.

We do think you should proceed slowly with all of this. First your ex needs to figure out what he’s doing with his current relationship. But even if he extracts himself, the two of you should move slowly, almost as if you’re dating for the first time. It would be easy to jump into things since you already have been intimate in many ways, however it’s important for you to talk about your relationship and ask some important questions.

1. Why did we break up in the first place?

2. What’s changed since then?

3. How are we going to deal with these problems if they occur again?

4. How are we going to solve problems when they arise in general?

5. What do we want out of a relationship?

6. Do either of you want more kids?

(This list could go on for a while.)

We’d even go so far as to suggest seeking out a professional to help you work through these questions before you jump right back into things. The last thing you want is for the two of you to get back together only to realize a year down the road that nothing has changed. Not only would that be difficult for both of you, but your son would get dragged through the mud as well.

Good luck. We hope it all works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully. Thanks! (See the Paypal button on the right side of this page.)

Booty Call or Long Haul?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

What’s the deal with this guy?

Long distance: Should I pursue?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Why is he being secretive?

Different cultures: More than friends, less than lovers

Dear Guys,

I am divorced and was introduced to a gentlemen through a mutual friend. He asked me out to dinner; we went and had a great time and have been dating for the last 3 months. Sex recently happened a month ago; I didn’t rush into it. But he only sees me when he doesn’t have his son which I respect. He has met my adult children and some of my friends and family but he has yet to introduce me to his son and family or friends. I am being patient, and figure he will introduce me to his family when he feels it is the right time. But how much time is too long? Am I just a booty call and being naive? He has been divorced for 9 yrs now and his son is 17, so is his son an excuse to keep things at bay?

Diane

Dear Diane,

Thanks for your question.

You are not necessarily just a booty call, but obviously he doesn’t consider your relationship serious—yet—or he would be introducing you to his inner circle. So how long should you wait?

Too long is defined by you more than him. How long will you feel okay about dating a guy who keeps you at arm’s length from his family and friends? If it’s working for you, then it could go on interminably. If you are starting to feel uneasy about it—which we assume you are, since you wrote to us—it already might be too long.

We don’t get the sense he’s being covert in any way, he just doesn’t see the relationship as too serious at this juncture. But that doesn’t mean he might change his mind after you’ve been together for a bit longer. In general it’s hard to know how people will feel about being in a relationship after they get divorced. Some people jump right back in to the fold, other people remain gun shy for the rest of their lives, and others fall somewhere in between. So our first piece of advice is to find our where he stands in this continuum. (Talk to him about how he feels about relationships in general.) This will help you better gauge whether or not the relationship has any chance of moving to the next level in the future.

If that conversation doesn’t satisfy you, you might need to step it up a notch and talk to him specifically about your relationship. We can see how he might want to move slowly at first, but we don’t see why he won’t introduce you to his son. It’s not like he needs to protect his son’s fragile emotions, since it has been 9 years since he broke up with his ex. We would think by now his son understands that your guy is not getting back together with his ex-wife. We don’t like to put a time table on relationships because every situation is different, but you can speed the process up by talking to him about how you’re feeling. It’s not too soon. A good rule to follow: If it’s not too soon to have sex it’s not to soon to talk.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us. Also, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take a considerable amount of time for us to answer each question. Thanks!

Why is he secretive?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Confusion: Is my housemate only interested in sex?

Online dating: Should I move forward?

My best friend: What does he want?

What’s the deal with this guy?

Long distance: Should I pursue?

This guy at work: Does he like me? What is he thinking?

Domineering when I date: I give dating advice to men

Dear Guys,

I am a 23 year old woman and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for two years, and since I am currently a hard-up student nurse, we each live separately with our parents. For the most part we have a good and happy relationship.

However, my boyfriend has a general pattern of secretive behavior. I’m not entirely sure whether this is peculiar to him or our relationship.

Recently I attended a work funtion with him at the races. Some of his friends from work were also there with their girlfriends. I was chatting with these women when my boyfriend approached, and one of the girls latched on to him immediately. She said to him, “We had a great time when we went out clubbing before didn’t we? We should definitely do it again!” Since he’d never mentioned this girl and I didn’t know they had a prior association, I looked at him puzzled. I ignored it and continued to socialize with the group. Clearly, my boyfriend realized I had noticed this and kept bugging me and saying, “What’s wrong?! Talk to me?!” Even though I showed no signs of being upset and had no intention of discussing anything until there was an appropriate moment. Eventually I said “Look, it just bothered me a bit that you’d never mentioned socializing with those other girls or going out on those nights at all.”

Quite inapropriately defensive and accusatory at this point, he told me that he had covered it up because he thought I might be upset. I’ll make it clear at this point that I have never had any problems with him having nights out with the guys or whoever – it had just never been an issue for me. At points I have even encouraged him to get out and do it since I’d noticed he hadn’t for a while! Yet he’d anticipated it might upset me and went quite out of his way to hide it from me.

He also said that he often lied to me about how much he had to drink on nights out. For a long time he’s been telling me that he seems to have a bad reaction to alcohol after just a few pints at the most. I’ve nursed him through many a horrible hangover. I’ve never had a problem with his drinking either, and I drink plenty myself, especially on a night out.

I felt wounded and humiliated and accused. Wounded to have been lied to and not trusted to be understanding or accommodating of his social needs. Humiliated to be finding out from other people. Accused of holding him to standards I’ve never held or expressed – of unreasonable reactions I’ve never had.

I am at a loss. I am now questioning the motivation for his (what seem to me, pointless) cover-ups and lies. I would be very interested to have some male insight into this! Is it reasonable to expect that a man might be secretive about such things for other reasons, or is it possible he’s hiding it because he’s up to no good? Is he hiding the extent of his drinking because he fears my thinking him irresponsible, or because he in fact is irresponsible?

Please help!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly your boyfriend feels the need to hide things from you, and this says more about him than it does about your relationship, since you say you’ve been pretty supportive about him going out with his friends. So the question is: Why does he feel the need to be secretive? We see two possible reasons.

First Possible Reason:

Some guys have this idea that women in general can’t handle the truth. They have this antiquated notion that women are clingy, jealous creatures, best kept in the dark when it comes to “Boys night out.” This type of guy can be found at the local pub, downing pints, and laughing and complaining with his buds about his girl, all the while conspiring to come up with a good story to tell her when he gets home.

Second Possible Reason:

He’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing. We’re not saying he’s actually cheating on you, but he could be doing things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. And of course everyone’s definition of cheating is different. Some people consider flirting cheating, while for some it takes actual intercourse to breach the contract of a relationship.

But what bothers us the most is the way he reacted to you after you told him how you felt about being kept in the dark. He was clearly busted, and so instead of admitting it, and asking for forgiveness, or at least for a chance to explain it to you, he tried to deflect and put it all on you. This is not the greatest example of solid communication, and it’s not the type of behavior that’s going to help you solve other problems in the future.

Relationships are built on trust. And trust is exactly what’s missing from your relationship. If you want this relationship to move forward, the two of you need to start having some serious discussions about how you deal with problems, and the best way to communicate with each other.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Consider a donation to THE GUYS. It takes considerable time to answer questions thoughtfully.

What’s the deal with this guy?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is he into me or not?

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Am I being played again?

Confusion: Is my housemate only interested in sex?

Online dating: Should I move forward?

My best friend: What does he want?

Guys,

This guy and I have been “dating”/talking for awhile now. When we originally started talking/hanging out he was single. Then he had a VERY short relationship. (3 weeks). He broke up with her because things just didn’t work out. But he also said he was interested in me as well at the time. So now we have been “seeing” each other ever since. We have been hanging out several times a week now. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc. But nothing more than PG-13. It has been several weeks and I don’t know if I am just being impatient or if he just is dragging his feet.

We both watch the same shows and when I get to certain episodes he says, “You are not allowed to watch that without me.” I get messages like that from him all the time. But then sometimes I get mixed signals like tonight when he called me kiddo, I said “wow if that wasn’t sexy I don’t know what is.” He gave me a “Really?” I told him of course not and he just told me “Okay, nighty night”.

There was another instance when we were supposed to hang out. He ended up going out with his family—they are very close—and canceled on me. He ended up kinda buzzed, but called to apologize for blowing me off. He admitted that he liked me and he didn’t want me to be angry with him, or worry about him hanging out with others. He also threw in a line about “if and when—heavy emphasis on the when—you meet my family.” But the next time we hung out he barely touched me, and he held my hand very little. He had asked if I was okay for some strange reason but that was about it. I got a goodbye kiss but that was it.

He is confusing the heck out of me and I don’t know if I should just ask where we are or just let things progress more since it has only been a couple of weeks. I want to know if there is something real there, or if he is just dragging me along until he finds something better. HELP ME!!!!

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can’t know exactly what’s in this guy’s heart, but he’s giving you many signs that he likes you, especially if he wants you to meet his family. Is it possible he’s shy? Or maybe inexperienced? Or maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel about him yet?

We’d say give it a few more weeks. See how things progress. Maybe take some initiative and invite him over for dinner or something like that. It sounds like he needs a little prompting, or possibly some reassurance from you that you’re interested. Hasn’t he already said that he’s into you?

If he’s feeling insecure or unsure, he’s going to give you mixed signals. He doesn’t want to show his hand completely for fear of being rejected. The male ego will do almost anything to avoid looking the fool. His ego sounds completely intact and possibly working overdrive.

If after a few more weeks you still don’t have your answers, we think you should lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. This doesn’t mean it will work out the way you’d like. It might; it might not. But this way you’ll at least know where you stand, and whether or not the relationship has a chance to progress to the next level.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks for your donation.

I’d like to understand what happened??

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Is he into me or not?

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Am I being played again?

Confusion: Is my housemate only interested in sex?

Online dating: Should I move forward?

My best friend: What does he want?

Guys,

I do not really see any mistake whatsoever. At least nothing serious. Just one morning I woke up in his bed and he was watching me from afar. Then he basically told me to pack up my things and leave. I was more surprised than sad, and tried to figure out what was going on. He walked me out with those heavy bags and told me that I am just not good enough, intelligent enough, charismatic enough, and there is no reason for him to be losing his time with me. I was only listening and it seemed a bit funny to me, because I do not really think I am dim or unable to express myself. He was being overly dramatic and I could see that he was trying hard to hurt me. I’ve always known he is a bit unstable, and that he is interested in different things but it was never a problem. We fought occasionally but I do not recall anything too serious. This breakup was also really out of the blue; I think it was a rather impulsive decision. Also this is not the first time; he has broken up and come back a few times already. I had no problem with that. And this breakup doesn’t even especially hurt.

But I’d like to ask: Why is that? Can you see some pattern in this rather pathetic behavior? Is there a problem with me, or does this guy need to sort himself out? He deleted me from his accounts and I was not desperate to call him/message him. I am not really sure but I have a feeling he will try to crawl back again. Maybe. Would you be so kind and play his part so I can at least understand what went wrong, and if I’m the one to blame, and will he come back? Because right now, I’m really confused. We’ve been together for two and half months, and a year before that we went out for one year and half.

Hue

Dear Hue,

Thanks for your question.

You don’t seem too broken up over your split? And if that’s true, maybe both of you are actually on the same page here. Maybe both of you realize the relationship isn’t right, and he finally decided to take action.

But let’s backtrack for a second. Breakups are often a surprise to the person getting broken up with; but the person who does the breaking up has more than likely been thinking about it for a long time. So even though you felt like your guy was being impulsive, probably he was rehearsing how it was going to go down for months.

We don’t condone the way he broke up with you. Parting barbs are never productive, and often reflect a lack of maturity. And since the two of you have a history of getting back together, we would think he’d be more careful about what he says to you. (It’s hard to take back mean words.) But why is he saying such mean things to you? It seems like there’s a lot of information or back history we’re not aware of.

We can’t say whether or not he’s unstable, but from our point of view, something seems missing from your relationship, almost as if both of your expectations are low. Why is that? We think that question is worth exploring. And related to that: You also seem very guarded. Is there a reason for that? Do you have an issue trusting him, or do you have a hard time trusting people in general?

He might come crawling back” as you say. But do you really want him back even if he does ask for forgiveness? Right now he’s out exploring the field, or dating someone else. He’s looking for someone who isn’t you. So maybe that’s what you should be doing as well. Why not put yourself back out there and try to find someone you can trust and open up to? Why not try to find someone who genuinely cares for you and who does think you’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful.

There is someone out there who will rock your world, but you have to allow them to. Being vulnerable is always a bit unnerving, but the reward can be amazing. Don’t settle for anything less.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Ep43: “Rewind” Super-Sized Hamster Fun. Endings, Excess & Envy

TGP Episode 43: “Rewind”

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Ep43: "Rewind" Super-Sized Hamster Fun [ 39:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Guys are off this week chasing a little end of the summer fun. So we are rolling out a “Guy’s Perspective Certified Pre-owned Episode”. This beauty has passed our rigorous 142 point inspection and is guaranteed to satisfy. In fact this is our most downloaded episode ever!
Episode 4. Endings, Excess and Envy!

The show in a nutshell:

Ask the Guys: Is it cool to stay close with your ex’s family? The Guys debate that very question.

Father Stories: Sai is held accountable. It seems that all young men have a story similar to this one.

Pet Peeves: Cucch talks about the insidious nature of the letter “W.” Sai spouts off about 110%.
The Meat: Is more better? What is up with our super-sized society?

Youth is Wasted on the Young: Cucch dreams about McDonald’s play places. Sai discusses his love of “Pong.”

Maybe more is better!?

Leave a comment, kick in a few bucks on our paypal link or leave a big five star rating and comment on iTunes. As always thanks so much for your support! We’ll be back with a new episode in two weeks.

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Confused about this man’s thinking?

Long distance relationship: Trying again?

Long distance relationship: Push and pull

Is he into me or not?

Am I being played again?

Hey There,

I can’t believe I’m emailing you for advice, but I’ve got to get your perspective! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I’m now 33 and he’s 36. We get along amazingly well. No drama, just mostly have fun doing things together (surfing, golfing) and great sex. He has always said from the beginning that marriage is not for him. He had a terrible upbringing through several divorces, not knowing who his real dad is, and has a couple of friends who are in gnarly marriages. That being said, I’ve never pressed the issue because I hadn’t ever needed or wanted the additional commitment. I know he’s committed to me, and I totally trust him and our relationship. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and things are still going just great. For some reason, now I’m struggling with “why fix what’s not broke” with the whole marriage thing, yet I’m feeling like I need something more solid of a commitment rather than just his word of “I’m going to be with you forever.”

Maybe it’s my age? I’m 33 and he’s 36. I just know he will never marry me, and how do I turn my back on such a great relationship over a stupid piece of paper? Is it more than a piece of paper? Is it a more solid, set in stone commitment that I am looking for? Hmmmmm……

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We alway get a chuckle when someone writes to us and says, “I can’t believe I’m asking you guys a relationship question.” We understand completely. But sometimes the best way to get an objective opinion is to ask a bunch of strangers. And we also know how difficult it is trying to pry an answer out of a guy friend. So we’re glad you wrote to us.

Every couple handles the issue of marriage differently. Most couples do end up getting married at some point if they stay together a long time. However, some couples happily stay together their entire lives without getting married and it works for them. Other couples break up over this very issue, and others decide to get married later in life when the relationship becomes more complicated due to having kids, buying a home, or changing health.

We guess the answer has less to do with your man, and more to do with you. You guy seems fine with your situation, but you don’t. So the question is why? Are you getting pressure to get married from family or friends? Are you traveling in social circles where you feel awkward because you’re not married? Are you thinking about having children and would like to feel more solid in your standing with him? Or are you really not sure why you feel the way you do, but you know it’s bothering you?

First of all, don’t underestimate what you have currently. From what you describe you’re in a loving relationship with a good man. We can tell you that a lot of people would love to have what you have. We’re not saying you shouldn’t feel how you do, because really, what other people do and think doesn’t really factor into what you’re feeling and doing. But we think it’s important enough to mention if only to give you some perspective on what’s really important in a relationship: love, trust, and good communication.

But having said that we also think you need to bring up the topic; because if he loves you, we would think he would want to know if something was bothering you. But be careful here. You need to plan out what you’re going to say if you decide to bring it up. It can’t be accusatory, or threatening in any way. But it certainly could be brought up within the context of a broader conversation about your future together. For example, it could be part of: What happens if/when we have kids? What happens when we’re older, or buy a home together?

We won’t lie to you. We believe the vow of marriage does bring another level of commitment to a relationship. Even just planning the actual wedding day and then following through with the ceremony, ups the ante. Of course the divorce rate is still ridiculously high at close to 50%, so marriage is no guarantee of forever. But it does mean something more than just a piece of paper.

In the end you need to figure out what you need, and then make a decision. First figure out what is the real problem. Is it not getting married? Or are there other possible divisions between the two of you? We think you really need to figure out why you feel the way you do. Once you’ve done that, it will be clearer how to move forward. This could be an easy problem to resolve, or it could be far more complicated than you think. Do some soul searching, and really get to the bottom of this.

Also, people change their minds over the course of their lives. Your man might have said what he said before he was involved with you, but maybe he feels differently now? Just because he has friends who aren’t in great relationships and he grew up in a broken home doesn’t necessarily mean he shouldn’t get married. Many people with similar experiences happily jump into marriage vowing to do things differently than their parents or friends. Have you talked about it with him? Or are you afraid to bring it up for fear it could rock the boat? If so, then it actually might be an issue. Because if your relationship is tenuous enough to be changed by this conversation, what happens when something else big comes up? (Something will at some point) There shouldn’t be any topic that is taboo if you truly have a trusting, loving relationship.

One final note: Breaking up with someone you love over a “piece of paper” as you call it, does seem excessive, but people have broken up for much simpler reasons than that. We will say if getting married is something you need in order to feel “secure” in this relationship, it’s something that needs examining; because that feeling isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question.

Long distance relationship: push and pull

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

High school dating to college long distance relationship

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Confused about this man’s thinking?

Long distance relationship: Trying again?

Dear Guys,

Ok, So I met this guy who’s 31—I’m 35. We met out in San Francisco in early March 2011. I live in Atlanta. I met him through a friend and from the very moment we met he pursued me heavily. Even when I got back home from SF he was texting me wanting attention, answers, and basically asking me if he had a chance. I basically decided to go for it. We continued this affair through Skype (ALOT), hundreds of texts, pictures, phone calls, etc. for months. I planned a trip for him to see me in Atlanta for three days. The trip went well, but upon his return he slowly started getting cold feet, stating the reality was getting to him. Anyway, this is after 2 months.

We continued the relationship but he stated he wasn’t sure if he was ready, but was still open to the idea. I booked yet another trip to SF and flew out there 3 weeks later after his visit. This time it was for 5 days just with him. I will have to be honest, he’s very warm, sweet, and inexperienced in the relationship dept. He wanted to make me happy, impress me, take me out on trips, etc. There was a lot of sex. I mean a lot. But also with other activities included. It was wonderful, but I was a little out of my comfort zone and started noticing him freezing up the last day, not wanting to hold my hand and not really expressing himself.

On my plane ride back he basically told me he wasn’t feeling it. That day a lot of drinking was done and I was a little edgy. When I came back, I was angry and hurt. He was basically trying to cut ties with me. Through the next three weeks, we ended up speaking again and he basically said to me that he had deep insecurities, and that I could do so much better than him, and he was in a different place in his life. That he hasn’t achieved much and he had un-resolved anger. That he could see me getting hurt down the road. The letter was heartfelt and sincere and I can see he has some issues to work through. I continued to talk to him for 45 days and tried to get close!

But the entire time has been push and pull. Hot and cold. He said he has feelings for me and doesn’t know what it is when he’s around me, but something makes him feel wonderful, he misses me, wants to see me. Then the next day he pulls back but continues to text, call late night. I get angry and start getting hurt but ask him to come visit again. He says we shall see… Never does, and always has an excuse. He just basically seems confused and back and forth and conflicted, yet won’t let go. I have decided to fly back out to San Francisco to visit a friend and he TRULY wants to see me, saying it would be a “dream” to have me and see me. Yada, Yada, How wonderful. Yet, he’s said four days prior he’s not ready.

Ok, I am not ready to give up on him. But what is he doing? How should I go about this? What is he trying to say? I am very independent, pretty female that took a risk on someone that doesn’t do as well financially, nor quite mature in some regards but he carries such a warm space in my heart. I need to know how to win him and to get him on the track of this long distance thing in hopes for us to be together and come home to one another eventually. It’s not easy, but so far we are going on five months. It will be six by my next visit.

THANK YOU FOR listening. I’m trying to stick to actualities and facts. I do have very strong feelings for him or I wouldn’t be writing all of this, right?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for your question. We got to it as quickly as we could. Sorry for the delay.

We think you really need to look at his actions, not his words Jennifer. What you’re describing is a common pattern among men when it comes to long distance relationships. We’re not saying all men are like this, but certainly enough to label it as a pattern.

Here’s how it goes:

Before the actual visit the guy is excited for you to come. He texts. He calls. He romances. He’s involved. He’s present. All of these actions and feelings are genuine, but often misplaced. We say misplaced, because the origins of some of these actions are sex based. Meaning, the anticipation of the upcoming sex is enough to fuel much of his pre-visit actions. Is it all about sex? Not necessarily, but it’s a big factor for guys.

Now the actual visit. It starts off great. Lots of fun. Lots of sex. He’s excited. All is well. But as the visit goes on, it becomes less about sex, and more about a relationship, and so reality hits for the guy, and that’s when he starts thinking with his actual head. And for many guys, the reality is very different than the fantasy, so he begins to question if he wants it or not.

By the time the visit comes to an end, the guy is distant and he’s already trying to figure out his exit plan. He starts blaming it on himself. Telling you there’s something wrong with him, most likely because he doesn’t want to hurt you, or he doesn’t want any drama. By the time you leave, he’s already got one foot out the door, and he’s managed to confuse you beyond belief. You say, “How can he want me so much, but then not want me?” Our answer: He can. Trust us.

So then you leave, and for the next few weeks, he remains distant, uncommunicative, uninterested. Then he starts thinking about sex again, maybe two or three weeks after you leave, and he starts associating you with all the fun he had, and all of a sudden he starts reconsidering his previous actions. The next thing you know he’s calling again, texting you, and missing you.

Then the cycle begins again.

This is exactly what you’re describing Jennifer. It’s possible he could come around, but we’re just saying: Tread carefully here because we’re concerned you’re going to get hurt repeatedly based on what you’re describing.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Confused about this man’s thinking?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

High school dating to college long distance relationship

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Guys,

The guy I was dating got divorced 2-3 yrs ago after his wife cheated on him. We started hanging out last summer with mutual friends. It was obvious there was a connection but it was acknowledged that we were on two different pages (He didn’t want a relationship and I did. I’m a relationship girl). We went on like this for four months, enjoying hanging out as friends and having a blast.

Then all of a sudden he started texting and wanting to hang out without the mutual friends. I was wary at first because I did really like him and wanted to hang out, but didn’t want him to get the impression that I was fine with a casual relationship because I wasn’t. We hung out on our own for a couple of weeks and then he asked me what I wanted and I said, “A relationship.” And he then said he wanted the same. So we became a couple.

The whole time we were dating he would say things like he thought we were made for each other and that we were soul mates. We are so freakishly alike even down to the weird way we eat certain foods. He even admitted that he was building his house and barn for me. We became super close. I actually thought he was the one. I never used to believe it when people would say ‘you know when you know,’ but it instantly hit me. I actually could see a life together with him. No hesitation whatsoever. Since he went through the divorce he now has some trust issues but not really with me; but it was obvious they were there.

After several months of dating, we had a little fight at a bar and I left without him as he said he wasn’t ready to leave. The next day he showed up at my house wanting to talk and confessed that he had his old Booty Call take him home. But he swears nothing happened; she just dropped him off. I said I needed some time to digest it all and the next day we talked and he said that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet he continued to call and text me as he did when we were dating. Every other weekend when he didn’t have his daughter we spent together even during the week.

It was like nothing changed but our titles. I know what you are going to say, he was just hanging around for the sex. Well, here’s the kicker: we never had sex the whole time we were dating. His excuse started out as he was too drunk then it turned into that sex complicates relationships and takes relationships to another level. Duh! That’s what relationships do; they progress forward. I ended up walking away as I could not continue to put myself through the emotional turmoil. Now he is trying to put some of the blame for the end of the relationship on me when I feel he should take full blame for dicking me over. He changed the rules in the middle of the game. I was honest about what I wanted from the beginning and I feel like he broke his word. I feel like he never intended for this to really go all the way. I’m not naive enough to know that if he wanted to be with me he would. I just want to know what was going through his mind to do this. And I’ll point out that we aren’t young—20 somethings. We are in our mid-30s. This whole ordeal has sent me for a loop and I can’t stop obsessing over it.

So Guys give me the low down please!

Casey

Dear Casey,

Thanks for your question.

We can see the two of you had a real nice connection. And maybe if circumstances were different—he hadn’t been cheated on by his ex—things would have played out differently. But the first true test of any relationship is that initial argument or fight. That’s when you find out how committed each person is. In your case your guy realized he didn’t want to deal with anything other than smooth sailing and good times. We’re not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

But as you know, conflict is part of every relationship, and we think it’s not a bad thing at all. It often helps bring people closer together, because fights are honest; they expose true feelings, and they help couples get down to the nitty gritty. Your guy has been wounded, and it seems like now he doesn’t want to deal with anything other than fun. Here’s our take: He initially didn’t want to be in a relationship as he stated to you. But then once he got to know you and the two of you connected well on so many levels he thought to himself, “Maybe I can be in a relationship with this woman. She’s totally cool and totally different.” However, as soon as you had your first fight, he was reminded again that relationships, no matter whom you’re with, take work. And he wasn’t ready to do the work required to move forward.

We can understand his position, but we can also understand why you’re upset and confused. He took you for a little emotional ride and it doesn’t feel good. Yes, he should have been clearer with you AND with himself, but our sense is, he truly thought he could give it a go, and then realized he couldn’t. Our biggest issue with him, and a huge red flag for you, is the fact that he went home with his former Booty Call as soon as he had the least bit of conflict with you. That should tell you his state of mind, and should tell you he’s far from ready to commit to someone. We’re not saying he cheated on you, we’re saying she’s his default woman because his relationship with her is clear and uncomplicated.

No, he shouldn’t be putting the blame on you, but at the same time you need to stop obsessing over who’s to blame here. The most important thing you can do is chalk this up to experience, as hard as that may be, and move on. Assigning blame is only going to hinder your healing and keep you closed to the next person you meet.

Our advice? If you truly want to put this behind you, we would suggest not hanging out with him, talking to him, or having any sort of communication with him. Hang in there Casey.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook and You Tube.

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

High school dating to college long distance relationship

Hi Guys !!!

Almost 4 years ago I met this guy who was eight years younger than me at a club. And I did what I had never done before; I took him home. I only wanted it to be a one night stand and nothing else, but I gave him my number and he called the next day. He wanted to take me out, but I preferred hanging out at my place. The age difference really bothered me; eight years is a lot. We talked a lot and saw each other often and I started to like him more. But then he started it to call less, ignoring my calls and messages. I would say we should go out and he would agree but then some last minute thing would come up.

His nights to hang out with me were starting later and later until he only called late at night. I resisted that and there were a lot of fights. He told me that he was sorry for the late night booty calls, and I should just ignore them if I didn’t want that. But I wouldn’t. I would answer the phone every time and lots of times I wouldn’t let him come over but most times I did. I told him that I would not be his booty call and finally ended it. But then after a few months he would call again. The fights began again with me nagging and demanding more of him. He would say he didn’t want a girlfriend, so I started to see other guys and I even broke it off with this guy for four months.

But then I called him again just as a friend and learned that he lost his phone and all contacts. And not long after that he called again. It was good for a while but I wasn’t nagging and demanding. But once I started again he would be more distant and give me less and less of his time and affection. But then I liked him more and more.

This back and forth has gone on for a while. Sometimes he shows affection and sometimes he’s very cold. After he’s distant for a while, he’ll call out of the blue, and then he comes over and we have sex. Then he started to open up to me more about his family and friends, but soon after that he started giving me mixed signals again. Finally I just said forget it after years of ups and downs.

It was truly over for me and I really thought that I would never again hear from him. But then he called the very same weekend @ 1 am and he wanted to come over to make it up to me. I didn’t answer any of his texts or phone calls but he came over anyway. He came over and we had sex. He told me that he likes me very much. But that was six weeks ago. He called once after that. I said that he could come over, but he didn’t show up. Then he replied that all is fine. But nothing again for two weeks. Then he comes over and talks about the future—kids, etc. But then nothing again.

So I guess from a guy’s perspective I would like to know what to do??? It has been four years now and and the last two were a hell for me because I’ve fallen so deep for him and I don’t know how to change things with us. Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I think he does not care at all. Some days I want to tell him how I feel and end the sex for good in hopes that he’ll then change. Then I get scared that he won’t change. And then sometimes I just want to wait and see what happens. But it’s killing me.

Can you help please guys?! Tell me what to do in this situation and how to get out without losing my sanity. I hope that you’ll answer me soon..

Victoria !

Dear Victoria,

Thanks for your question and your donation. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.

We’re sorry your situation has been so painful for you. You’re in relationship limbo and that’s never fun.

First of all, you’re not going to change this guy. It’s been four years, and you’ve seen the same behavior from him since the beginning. All he’s done is given you mixed signals. Is that truly the kind of relationship you want? Do you really want someone who only calls late at night to come over for sex, and then pushes you away when you try to talk to him about the relationship, and the future? The relationship started out as a “one night stand,” and it hasn’t progressed any further in four years! We just don’t see how any of this is going to change. The two of you are too deep into your “defined” roles.

We already think you’ve decided what you should do. The trouble is: Doing it.

This man certainly has a strong hold over you. And that’s troubling. Because for some reason you’ve handed him all the power. You’ve given him permission to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And that’s something you need to take a hard look at. Why have you let him dictate the terms of your relationship? Is this a pattern for you with men, or is it just this particular guy? Those are important questions to ask yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re worth more than that. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership, and you certainly deserve that.

So if you truly want to move on it’s up to you to take back some control. This means you need to stop letting him come over to have sex with you whenever he feels like it. We realize that’s easier said than done, but it’s up to you to do this. He’s going to keep calling you whenever the urge hits him—as long as he knows you’re open and available to him. So if you want to move on, it’s up to you to end it for good, and stick to your guns.

The other piece to this is a health issue: Do you know what he’s doing during the time the two of you are apart? It’s likely he’s enjoying the company of other women while the two of you are on “break.” Maybe he doesn’t owe you anything, but it’s not safe for you. You have to be careful out there in the dating world Victoria.

We wish we could say it’s not going to be hard for you, but we can’t. Break ups are painful. It’s like losing a part of yourself. But hopefully you have good friends and family to help you get through it, if that’s what you decide to do. But we can say, with time the hurt will lessen, and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. And eventually you’ll be open again to new possibilities and new love.

We wish you the best as you work through this. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us an additional question. You can leave your comment/question right in the “Comments” section of this post.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

Dear Friends,

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have had a “thing” since 9th grade. We’ve been official for 17 months now and senior year is coming up. We both love each other very much and have always talked about going to college together. He’s from California and I’m planning to go to Uni in Washington. There was one point when I was feeling insecure about the idea of having a long distance relationship if it ended up that we went to schools in different states. He reassured me by saying that we could do it – we could do anything that we wanted and we could make it work if that’s what we wanted. This was a few months ago in February.

I asked him recently if he was still wanting to keep our relationship going after high school since senior year is starting soon. He responded by saying that he did not want to keep me from my dreams and from meeting other people and said how difficult it would be to go from seeing each other almost everyday to seeing each other MAYBE three months of the year. He also said that we could make it work if we wanted to and we could do anything, as he had said previously in February. Keep in mind that while talking about this, he is vising his home in California and I am still back at home. (We live overseas). We haven’t physically been together in about a month.

Some of my friends think that he’s scared about the future and is why he seems less sure now. One of my friends used to be really tight with him before we were dating, and she told me that before he asked me to be his girlfriend he would change his mind often, worrying about what to do. Obviously in the end, he asked me out. Do you think this is what is happening now? I love him very much and I know that long distance relationships are hard, and of course I’m aware that it might not work if we did it. But I don’t see the point in keeping a relationship when you know for a fact that it is going to end. He said that he would “happily” do long distance if that’s what I want. But I don’t think the decision should be completely mine. If it is going to work, we both should want it. We have only talked about this a couple of days ago and I’m now scared to talk about it anymore because I don’t want to pressure him, but at the same time I don’t want to have a relationship that I know will end.

Rae

Dear Rae,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly you’re a planner, and we can see you’d like to know what’s going to happen after high school. But what about senior year? It seems to us that you’re kind of jumping the gun here. College is a long way off, and a lot can happen before then. We’re not saying you should be worried because something might happen, but why not delay worrying about plans and enjoy your senior year together—or at least the first half? Sure we realize you have to choose your college by December, but you don’t have to choose to be in a long distance relationship until next fall.

It’s not a good idea to break up with someone just because you think it’s going to end a year from now. You have to let this play out. If the two of you stay together this coming year, the whole scenario will be much clearer. In four to six months, with all the new experiences you’ll have together, he may have a completely different mindset than he has now. He may be totally clear he wants to try a long distance relationship, and no longer be giving you mixed signals. Of course on the flipside, maybe one of you will decide it’s not what you want. But you have to just wait and see even if it’s hard. Otherwise you’re going to experience major regret.

Our advice is: Stop worrying about this now. Otherwise you’re going to “miss” all of next year. Life is about being present, not constantly looking to the future. Yes, it’s important to plan, but sometimes plans can’t be made until the time is right to make them. Does that make sense? Sometimes we need more experiences and time to make a more informed, and clearer decision.

So have some fun with the guy you love. And remember to keep talking about this, AND listening to each other. You’re right, both of you should want this, so try and work this out together. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. This may work out, and it may not, but let it all happen organically.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Was breaking up with him the right thing to do?

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We understand that many of your questions are pressing, and need answering ASAP. For those people who would like their question answered within 1-3 days, we encourage you to send us a donation to move your question to the top of the queue. If you’re not sure how much to donate, give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. (Use the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. It’s the easiest and safest way for you AND us. It does require you signing up for PayPal, which is a good thing to have if you’re purchasing on the web.)

Otherwise we currently have a three to five week wait for questions to be answered. We still try to answer all questions, but it’s impossible to get to every one of them. And keep in mind that all questions accompanied by a donation move in front of all other questions, which means the delay might get longer.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.) Or on our podcast.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating a younger guy

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

Dear Guys,

I recently broke up with this guy for many reasons, but I still have the urge to go back to him even though all my friends don’t like him. I’m 21 and he’s 25. We dated for almost a year and during that time he never introduced me to his friends, but always saying he eventually would. (And since I couldn’t be out later at night it was hard because they always met up so late.) He would also ignore me for days when he didn’t want to tell me something. He didn’t show up to my birthday party or wish me a ‘Happy Birthday.’ And when I tried to break it off he said he was scared to tell me he couldn’t make it to my party which I had told him about weeks in advance. And then he asked me for another chance and said he would never ignore me again; and he said he would change because I meant a lot to him.

Well things were good for the first two weeks but a month later he was ignoring me again for no reason and this time I texted him and ended things. He had always told me that I was different from any other girl he dated and he was learning from his mistakes. But how long do I keep giving him a chance?

Is it true, that if he really cared he would come back, or am I just holding on to false hope that he ever did care?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about your situation. Break ups are difficult, especially if you’re questioning whether or not you did the right thing.

First of all it’s important to listen to your friends. If all of them are saying the same thing, that should tell you something. Remember, if they are truly good friends they want the best for you, which means they want you to be happy. If you meet some great guy in the future, it’s likely your friends will be excited for you, and do what they can to support you. Sure, they might get jealous initially because a new person in your life means they’ll have less time with you. But eventually they will come around when they realize how happy you are. But that’s not what’s going on here. They universally don’t like this guy, and that’s a big red flag. (You should watch our video on this topic. “Listen to your friends” See our Video Page)

Another red flag is the fact that he ignores you. How does it make you feel? Ignoring you puts him in a position of power and gives him control over you. And it’s no way to behave in a relationship. In fact we can’t think of anything more upsetting AND maddening than being ignored, and not being listened to. It’s one thing to not return a phone call because work is crazy, and your boss is on your case. It’s another thing to return calls or texts only when you feel like it. Maybe this guy is learning from his mistakes, but in our book, this is Common Sense 101. Communication is so important in any relationship, and your guy has a long way to go in this department.

We’ve gotten several questions over the past year involving a situation where one person in the relationship was not being introduced to family and friends of the other person. And what we’ve said is: Anyone who’s excited about their boyfriend or girlfriend should be shouting about the new relationship from the rooftops. Which means, we can’t think of any good reason for your guy NOT to be introducing you to his friends and family. Going out late is not an excuse. In fact, taking this a step further, we’d think he’d want to elicit his friends’ opinions about you if he was serious about the relationship. So Jessica, we hope this might give you some sense of his level of commitment to you and your relationship.

We can’t tell you what you should do, but we hope this gives you a clearer, more objective viewpoint of your situation.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Break up: Will he come back?

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Dating a younger guy (Just went up today!)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating someone for the past one and a half years. We are 25 and 27. Our relationship was very good and our bond was solid; we were always very happy together. After one year together, I discussed with him the possibility of moving our relationship forward in the next one to three years. It was like pulling teeth. My feelings turned to resentment after many months. Finally, he decided to try counseling to see why he was so afraid of commitment even though he loves me.

I broke up with him last month after I couldn’t take it anymore. Two weeks later he comes back asking for more time. I give it to him. One month later, he tells me he still couldn’t come to terms with marriage and so here I am now.

I’m so upset I haven’t talked to him because it will make me feel worse. I know he wants to be friends. What should I do? I love this man and thought he was the one I’d spend forever with. Part of me says to cut ties but the other part says there are so many people that get back together down the road, maybe that’ll be us, so I should stay friends.

What are the chances of reconciliation? After all, we did not break up because we don’t love each other anymore. Help!

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

We think his actions speak louder than his words. We don’t doubt he cares a lot about you. We’re sure you’ve shared a lot of great times in the last few years, but clearly something was missing for him, or he would have been excited to move forward with you.

People sometimes get back together down the road, but not too often; and if they do, it’s usually many, many years down the road, when people have matured, evolved, and almost become different people. But most of the time, after a painful few months—and sometimes a bit longer—people go on to live their own lives, finding new love and possibility.

We think your best plan Sandy is to let yourself grieve, and then start to move on. You might have thought this guy was the man of your dreams, but our sense is, when it came down to it, he didn’t feel the same way. Clearly there’s something he isn’t telling you. Or maybe there isn’t anything to tell you beyond the bottom line: His gut tells him something is missing for him.

Even though this may be difficult to hear, but we think you ultimately want a man who loves you the way you love him, and who is just as excited at the prospect of spending his life with you, as you are with him. Because as you know, without this reciprocation, resentment and anger will likely flourish and that’s no foundation to build a relationship from.

We have faith that all of this will work out for you Sandy. Hang in there. And when you do find the right person for you, you probably won’t have to even have a discussion about moving forward; our guess is it will just happen naturally.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

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Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

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He moved out: What should I do?

Hi guys!

My boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex that I don’t particularly care for. She is the ex of one of his friends. He says they never hang out alone and that he sees her as a tomboy. When I finally met her she snubbed me. We all went out to eat and she sat right across from me and didn’t say a word to me. After that I didn’t bother to try to get to know her. I told my boyfriend how I felt and he just said I was overreacting. He’s upfront about her and tells me everything. It’s just so annoying that she texts him all the time and tries to do stuff with him—without me of course. She is now pregnant and texts him everything about her pregnancy even when her water broke. It just seems too much and I don’t get why she tries to always get my boyfriend’s attention, especially when she has a boyfriend of her own.

When I confront my boyfriend he says I’m crazy and he always defends her instead of understanding where I am coming from. It’s not like they were friends before we started dating. They started hanging out because they hang out in the same crowd and she got his number from someone and they have bee texting ever since. I know of this girl and she’s not the most faithful in relationships, so it makes me even more skeptical.

Am I just jealous of this girl? Should I confront her? I don’t know what to do.

Dri

Dri,

Thanks for your question.

No you should not confront her. But you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart-to-heart with him. You may, or may not be overreacting, but that’s not for him to decide. The two of you need to talk this through.

Clearly she has some kind of interest in him, but still that has nothing to do with you. You have no control over her, and nor should you waste your energy trying to exert control over her. This has more to do with your own relationship. Your boyfriend should be trying to reassure you that all is well, rather than making light of it. (Although, if jealousy is a pattern with you, that’s a different story. We’re assuming no, as we answer your question.)

We believe people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex, and in fact we encourage it. The world is too interesting a place to restrict yourself to 50% of the population. However there are a few rules that apply, and your boyfriend may be crossing the line.

We’re speaking to all the boyfriends and girlfriends out there:

1. Never put your friend in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. Doing activities that are typically reserved for your boyfriend/girlfriend are a no, no. (Dinner, Movies) Unless it’s been discussed ahead of time and everyone is on the same page and okay with it.

3. There should never be any type of hidden conversation going on, or other secrets. And constant texting seems a bit much.

4. If your friend is actually hoping a romantic relationship might develop, then it’s time to pull the plug on the friendship, or at discuss the boundaries.

5. You need to reassure your partner that nothing funny is going on.

6. Your friendship has to feel comfortable for everyone involved.

(Of course some partners will be jealous no matter what is going on. If that’s the case, it could be the partner’s issues.)

One last thought: We also wonder what her boyfriend thinks about her texting some other guy constantly, since she is pregnant with their child? She is definitely crossing the line as well. But once again, that’s something she and her boyfriend have to figure out. You should focus on your relationship.

We hope this puts things in perspective for you Dria.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Check out our video: Trust your Gut (Might help)

He moved out: What should I do?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

College Romance: Confused by his intentions

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years now. We kind of separated a year ago—I mean he moved all his stuff out but continues to stay here. He moved his things to his aunt’s house. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn’t want to move back. He has changed dramatically. He used to be attentive and affectionate and into me, but now he’s distant and doesn’t want to go out and doesn’t want anyone to know we are still together.

I have given ultimatums but it doesnt affect him. I ignore him by not letting him come over and that still does nothing. He claims there is no one else, which I believe because he’s here all the time and sleeps here every night. (When I allow it.) I love him and wish things could be as they were before. He says he’s confused and needs to get his life together, but is doing nothing to make that happen. He used to do so much for me before and now it’s as if he doesn’t care. I still cook and do things for him and show him affection but I don’t get it in return. Should I let him go or wait until he gets over this phase?

BTW I’m 41 and he’s 29. I was in a long marriage and single for years after that. I have a career and know what I want. He’s never been married but has a son and was in a relationship but he has no career. He basically lives paycheck to paycheck and has a lot of debt. That depresses him.

Josephine

Dear Josephine,

Thanks for your question.

We think he’s feeling a bit inadequate next to you. Let’s face it, you’re a competent 41 year old woman who’s comfortable in her own skin, has a job, owns a house, and has clear goals. He’s a 29 yr. old guy, overwhelmed by his responsibilities, and not sure how to proceed with his life. This is a daunting disparity, and one he’s trying to come to grips with. We also think he might be questioning your age difference in general, even if he doesn’t admit it.

Guys like to feel needed. We are born to be providers. We want to know we have value, and a solid role in our households. Your guy is unclear on what his role is with you. He is pretty much saying he needs to figure things out in order to be with you, or anyone for that matter. Maybe you could give him some encouragement, and try to help him get his life together. We think the relationship, or what’s left of it, is getting in the way of him moving forward. Why not put things on hold for a bit while he does some soul searching and looks for a steady job? You could provide a support via phone, email, since you still love him and want to see him happy, but maybe no more back and forth at your house.

Space is a good thing for most people. It allows people to take stock, set goals, recharge, and crystallize what’s important to them. Right now, you’re kind of separated and you’re kind of not. You need to do one or the other in order to see the situation for what it is, and if you do that, clarity will likely strike for one, or both of you. At which time you’ll be able to better assess what to do.

One of the comments you mentioned bothered us: When you said he doesn’t want anyone knowing you’re still together. What does that mean? We would think you’d want to be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and wants to tell everyone about you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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College Romance: Confused by his intentions

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Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Hey Guys,

Ok, here is the deal. I have had a crush on this guy for some time now. He doesn’t know, but we are friends and we participate on an athletic team together. I am in college and have never had a serious relationship. I am an extremely nice, open girl. Many people tell me how comfortable I make them feel when we talk. I feel like I am an attractive girl too.

The other night the guy I am crushing on asked what I was doing that night and we ended up watching a movie with another of my girl friends. After the movie, it ended up just him and me talking for about 2-3 hours about things about him and me. He talked about past relationships and what he is looking for in a girl. He also asked about my past relationships and complimented my humor and such. He told me I was a “chill” girl. Surprisingly, that is what he is looking for in a girl.

Why did he tell me all of this? Part of me wanted to say something like, “I kind of like you.” Should I have? What do you think his intentions are? Is he just treating me like a friend or does he see potential in me? I feel like he can be a sort of flirt sometimes and he may not want a girlfriend now.

What do you think?

Bella

Dear Bella,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, he definitely was fishing around to see if he could get any information from you. And of course subtly telling you he’s interested.

Normally we tell people to be open and upfront, but in your case he needs to make his intentions known by asking you out on a proper date, before you let him know how you feel. We realize you’re in college and that a proper date might be meeting at the student center for a cup of coffee, but either way he should be the one making the first move, especially since you say he can be a flirt sometimes. After a few dates if things seem to be progressing in the “right” way, then by all means you should reveal how you feel.

We’re not quite sure what he meant by a “chill” girl. He probably means you’re easy to talk to, and you’re someone who is comfortable in her own skin. Don’t be surprised, and don’t sell yourself short. Guys love an attractive girl, who’s intelligent, and can also hang with the “BOYS.”

Please keep us updated on your situation. Leave us a follow up comment.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Help me understand why my boyfriend is on an online dating site

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

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Dear Friends,

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

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Should I break up with my video game playing boyfriend?

Guys,

My boyfriend and I have only been together for a couple of years now and recently I caught him on a horny match online dating sight. I was shocked and hurt, knowing that the both of our previous partners had cheated and we had always told each other that we would never do that. I know that snooping is never a good thing but I went on his email site to find out that he had registered on an online dating site looking for women. I waited a few days before I confronted him. He said he was looking for something on one of the search engines when the online dating site popped up. He said that he was just curious about what it was and that he wanted to look at naked girls. I told him that was considered cheating. He then apologized to me and now he keeps telling me that he loves me and tries to kiss me and hold my hand, but I am hurt beyond belief . I am head over heels for him and I do want to believe and forgive him but I just can’t get over this.

Please help me understand. Please tell me honestly if I should keep this relationship going. Am I over reacting?

Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

You might be overreacting. You might not be. Let’s try and figure this out.

Looking at naked girls isn’t cheating in our minds, but it sure doesn’t help build trust if he does it without your knowledge. Guys are visual creatures, and we like looking at women. And if we’re being completely honest, we definitely fantasize about the women we’re looking at, especially if we’re attracted to them—the naked part helps a lot with this. We’re not saying he should tell you his every move, but we also don’t think you should be completely unaware of his dalliances.

Basic rule: Guys, whether they’re happy in their relationship or not, will look at nude photos—or more—if they can. Try not to take it personally even though it feels hurtful.

However, it’s an entirely different matter if he was on this online dating site, trolling for women to hook up with. That would be considered cheating in our minds, even if nothing ever happened, and certainly would be cause to question the entire relationship. Because if he’s happy with your relationship he absolutely should not be on an online dating site unless of course he’s doing research for an upcoming article he’s writing, which we doubt.

But one question that’s bothering us is: What made you want to snoop in his email inbox in the first place?

If you haven’t already, you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Find out why he did what he did, and have it be part of a general discussion about your relationship: where it is now, where it’s going, what does he want, what do you want? The best way to handle these types of situations is to gather information and then evaluate after everything is out in the open.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Break up confusion: Why did he do this?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Guys,

I’ve been in an off and on relationship for the last eight years. It’s been more on than off until the last year and a half or so and then our “breaks” have lasted a month or two. Every time we split it seems to be something different, but it’s always the same pattern. I think he’s running away from any problems or conflicts we have instead of staying and communicating about it. He pushes me away and says the most hurtful things when we’re ending, and then always comes back and apologizes and says he never meant them, and just needed space to think about what he really wanted.

This most recent time —about a month ago— was the final straw for me. Everything was going well, and then out of nowhere he told me that he needed time to think about whether he was ready to settle down and commit. I asked him if that’s what it really was or if he was interested in another woman. (This has been a problem in the past.) He assured me that it was just pure confusion. This conversation was the last I heard from him.

This week I found out that he’s been seeing someone new for the last 3-4 weeks and thats she’s pretty much living with him in his newly built house that he’s been promising was “ours” the entire time it was being built. He finished it up, ended things with me, and moved in with this new girl.

So then why include me in all the decisions, and talk about kids and puppies if you were never planning on me being there? Why can’t guys just say what they want? If he didn’t want to be with me, why did he keep dragging me in and out of this? I know I played a part in it because I let it happen, but still, does he not have a conscience? Why just disappear for a month without saying I’m finished, and want to move on? Why do guys start new relationships so quickly, if this is even a relationship? Is she a fling or the real deal?

She’s quite a few years younger and I feel like if he’s not ready to commit she’s the perfect escape because she won’t be expecting that yet, and nobody will be pressuring him to settle down with her now. But I don’t get her living with him except for the convenience of a booty call. I’m crushed over this and he doesn’t even seem to care at all. Is he really that heartless and cruel or is this how all guys handle breakups? It seems so cruel and not human to act like this to someone you supposedly cared about for so long and were telling that you love them up until the end.

I know what I need to do at this point but just wanted some insight into what I feel are extremely confusing incidents and actions on his part.

Thanks,

Sam

Dear Sam,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated, but betrayal happens more than you’d expect. And when a person is betrayed by a loved one the hurt is even deeper.

People observing from the outside usually see it coming–this would include family and friends. And honestly, we’re kind of surprised you didn’t see this whole scenario unfolding. Sure, love is blind, and blinding, but after a tumultuous eight years—one filled with many indiscretions on his part: other women—you had to know it wasn’t going to end well.

Guys are certainly guilty of their share of bad break ups but not all guys are like that. It sounds like your guy was already an established cheater, or at least a meanderer, so it only makes sense that his dishonest, and uncaring streak continued with the break up. If he was pursuing other women during the time you were together, he certainly would have no problem making you promises, only to break them later. And the fact that he says hurtful things to you when you separate each time is also a major red flag and a good indicator he’s not someone you can trust.

You say you know what you need to do, but there’s more to think about than moving beyond this relationship. Going forward you need to think about what kept you in this relationship for so long, and how that thinking impacts your next relationship. Because eight years is a long time to put up with uncertainty, indecision, and lies. You don’t want to fall into the same pattern the next time around.

We have faith that you will grow from this sadness, and be a stronger person for it. Break ups are painful, even when people believe it’s the right decision. Hang in there. And know that this man, and this relationship, was not right for you.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Cheating Boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Dear Guys,

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We work at the same place just different sides of the building. We used to have all the same friends but sadly they were not supportive of us and got weird.

So anyway we started dating. Three months after I moved in his younger brother died. My boyfriend became distant and I understood. Things seemed to progress with time but I guess I always felt something was wrong. We kept separate rooms as I am the first woman he has lived with. He is very reserved and not so great with communication.

The last few months have been really bad. We hardly ever have sex and it was like everything else came first. I picked everything apart trying to find answers. Then he just got even more private and started locking his computer and never left his phone alone. I have never wanted to look at either up until this point. Last Saturday he forgot to lock his phone because he got sick from drinking too much. I went to plug our phones in because they were almost dead and that’s when I saw it was not locked. I had to look. I found emails between him and another woman. It sounded like pics had been exchanged, and they planned to meet up but didn’t.

When I confronted him he first tried to say these were spam messages, but finally admitted to what they were. He said it was over with her and nothing happened outside the emails. He said he couldn’t continue with her because he wanted to work on things with me. But he also said he just couldn’t love me the way he should. I tried to ask him if he wanted to work on things and he couldn’t say yes or no. So I moved out.

He was so crushed the whole time I was getting my stuff out. He kept saying to stay and lay with him, and how much he loved me. I told him he obviously cares more than he thinks, otherwise my leaving wouldn’t hurt this bad. I told him to figure out what he wants and I left. That Monday he decides he was wrong and that it took me leaving for him to see what I meant to him. He got rid of all email addresses and phone numbers from ex-girlfriends. And he now leaves everything unlocked besides his phone because he has to keep it password protected because of work emails. He seems to be trying overall. I have moved back in and things seem better.

How do I know it’s for real? How do I know he won’t cheat and that he really woke up and it’s not just him feeling bad and not wanting to be alone? I don’t want to have to surprise check his emails or phone. I want to trust him. I want things to continue the way they seem to be going since I moved back in.

What do you think?

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question. First of all, our condolences to your boyfriend. We are very sorry for his loss.

Unfortunately this is less about what we think and more about what you think. Sure, people can change, and do change, but we can’t give you a general rule about guys which would then apply to your boyfriend. You’re going to have to make that call based on what you see: his actions, his words, a gut feeling you might have. (Listen to some of our videos on these topics.)

You’re right to question what’s going on. A lot of people don’t like to be alone, so they’ll do anything, or say anything to prevent that from happening. Obviously your boyfriend cares about you, but we can’t guarantee he won’t dip his toe back into the perennial pool of available nymphs, especially since up until recently he had his ex’s email addresses and phone numbers tucked away in his “little black book.”

You can see how important trust is within a relationship. Once trust is breached, even ever so slightly, it’s very difficult to get it back. Both of you have stepped over the boundaries of trust: He cheated. You snooped. We do think what he did is more serious, but both fall in the realm of the unacceptable.

Women in general seem better at forgiving. This could be due to societal pressures, or possibly societal expectations—men are often labeled as potential cheaters based on their biological makeup—so women often feel forced to forgive even if they don’t want to. Of course this varies from individual to individual. Where do you fall in this spectrum Amanda? That would be an important question to ask yourself.

The best advice we can give you is: Keep close tabs on how you feel day-to-day. What is your gut telling you? Do you feel close to your boyfriend in the ways you need to feel? Besides the trust issue, are you getting what you need out of the relationship? Think about why you love him, and why you want to be with him, and then align that with your feelings. Does everything match up?

Have faith in yourself; you’ll figure it out Amanda. We also think you should consult your friends. What do they think? They’ll give you an honest answer, and it will be up to you to listen. (Once again, we have a video on that very topic.)

Good luck, and please keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment. And feel free to ask another question anytime.

THE GUYS

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Relationship Advice: Dating Older Men

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Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Dear Guys,

I’m 25 and my boyfriend who I have been with for just over a year is 46. We are in a happy, stable relationship and I noticed him some times whisper, I love you. So I was upfront with him and asked him what he meant. He said he isn’t at that stage yet, and when he does say he loves me it will be because he will be devastated if he lost me. I find I am starting to fall in love with him but don’t want to tell him, so should I wait for him to say that L word? I also would like to have a baby; however he already has two girls and doesn’t want one. Should I stay with him? Should I go?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question.

So on the one hand you say he whispers “I love you” and on the other hand you say he isn’t ready to say it. So what’s the deal? Either way his response to your question seems strange. People usually say “I love you” to someone when they have such intense feelings that the words burst right out of them. It sounds like your guy will only say it when he’s about to break up with you.

Let’s focus on something that is clear. Your age difference in itself is not necessarily a problem. (You should listen to our video on Dating Older Men on our video page.) But the problem with such a disparity in age is how it plays out in terms of goals and dreams. You want children. He already has some. You want to get married. He may or may not want to. It’s likely you’re on a different page with every facet of your lives because he’s already experienced many of the things you’re looking forward to.

If you are really serious about this man you need to communicate to him EXACTLY how you’re feeling and what you want out of the relationship—including children. But remember, if he tells you he doesn’t want any more kids after you speak with him again, don’t think you’re going to change his mind. A lot of people stay in relationship thinking, “If this person loves me eventually they will change their mind.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. More typically, resentment builds for both people, and the relationship ends in flames.

We can’t tell you what to do Amber. But we can say, gather as much information as you can and then make a decision. It’s unlikely he’s going to make the hard decision to break up with you because he’s already getting everything he wants. So it will be up to you to figure it all out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube Channel.

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Hi guys!

I’ve been with my guy for three years now and we have a seventeen month old little boy. I have to admit our relationship has been rocky at times, and a lot of the time it’s because I have self esteem issues and never have felt good enough for him; and I’m worried he will find someone better. Anyway he is having to move away for a year soon to finish his degree. He will be going ten hours away from us. My son and I are staying back at home where I am studying and have support from family and friends. I am very anxious about us being away for that long even though he assures me all the time that he would never cheat on me. I just feel like he is going to meet a girl much better than me and realize he never wants to come back. I wish he didn’t have to go and I’m wondering if a guy really can survive without regular intimacy both physical and emotional for a long period of time. And since I won’t be there, maybe he will naturally and maybe unconsciously let me go.

Thanks guys xx

Nichola

Dear Nichola,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, a guy can survive without regular intimacy for a year. We are no different than women in this regard. In fact your situation has little to do with guys and girls, and much more to do with individuals. Guys who cheat, will cheat no matter what. Distance makes it easier, but for the cheater it doesn’t matter. On the contrary, someone who is going to be faithful will be faithful even if they have to wait for a year, because they have a clear moral compass that’s guiding them. Faithful guys are less narcissistic and are better able to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and say, “How would I feel if she cheated on me?”

Your boyfriend/partner will likely have to “take care” of himself—in that intimate way, if you know what we’re saying. And of course the two of you could always engage in various long distance intimacies—phone sex, text sex, flirtatious emails, etc.—to help connect the two of you in a semi-physical way, and make the time apart pass more quickly.

But there are bigger issues going on here. First of all, Nichola, you have to take him at his word. He says he would never cheat on you, so you have to believe him. Or not. It’s up to you. All of this worry is more about you than it is him, unless he’s given you some cause to be suspicious. You don’t mention that’s the case, so we assume these are your own insecurities playing with your head. And in general if you don’t get a handle on these thoughts and feelings, your relationship will continue to be rocky. He sounds like a patient sort of guy, but if he is constantly having to reassure you, that’s going to get old fast. It’s certainly not a big turn on. And if it continues for too long it might possibly drive him to do the very thing you’re most worried about: leave you.

We don’t know why you feel the way you do, but it’s something you should seek some professional help with. (That’s above our pay grade.) You need to get to the bottom of these feelings otherwise every relationship you have now, and in the future, will be affected, including the relationship you have with your son.

We have faith in you. Clearly you’re an introspective person, and that will serve you well as you look for some answers.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

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Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the Ask the Guys page.)

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

He dumped me, we remained friends, is he still into me?

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 40: Being politically correct, a daughter’s triumph, relationships, and more

In this episode:

Katy Perry & Rebecca Black Last Friday Night Video

Segments

Ask the Guys: The Guys put their heads together to help listeners with their questions.

Father Stories: Alex from LA calls to share his daughters triumph.

Stream of Consciousness: Spinning the Big Wheel for random fun.

The Meat: “If you can’t say something nice…” When to hold your tongue and be P.C..

Pop Culture Corner - The party just keeps growing for Rebecca Black as Katy Perry releases the video for her new single “Last Friday Night” which prominently features Rebecca. We talk about why we even care. By the way Sai gives some little known info about one Kenny G too.

Want to win a $25.00 Starbucks Gift Card??? We have a few more places open for our Guy’s Perspective Slow Jam songs contest. We will name the 12 top picks in Episode 41 (2 weeks) For a chance to win call The Guys at 347-855-GUYS or hit our contact page with the subject: Slow Jams and let us know the song or songs that put you in the romantic mood.

The Guy’s Perspective YouTube page is here! What?! Yes, and we already have some great videos up. So check that out and if you would please subscribe and leave us a nice comment while you’re at it. Share us with some friends too.

Questions for Ask the Guys:

Tiera: Help I’m embarrassed of him!

Danielle: Will he come back or is it just a mind game?

Nat: We have strong feelings but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

Sally: What’s his problem?

Father Stories:

Alex from L.A. calls to share his daughter’s victory over training wheels. As a follow up to a story he shared in Ep:23 The Best Gift Ever Alex tells about a gift he received just last week.

Stream of Consciousness: We spin the Big Wheel and come up with random topics for some great conversation… hopefully. This time the words are Rage, Deviation and Bomb and the conversation goes from grandma’s driving to Russian dance club puppetry. Huh? You have to listen.

The Meat: If you can’t say something nice… stories of when to hold your tongue. The great air conditioner – doggy diarrhea debate, the death of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and Roger Ebert’s controversial Tweet. Asking the question “Is it wise to tell your hometown D.B. off?”

Thanks for listening!

The Guy's Perspective Podcast Ep. 40: Being politically correct, a daughter's triumph, relationships, and more [ 59:05 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Dating Older Men

So you want to date an older man? Okay. But first, let’s not confuse this with dating an old man. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’re on your own.

We think the best way to approach this topic is breaking it down by relative age.

If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.

Once you’re in college, the game changes, but that doesn’t mean you’re still better off with someone at least close to your age. Especially be wary of your professor that seems a bit too hip, a bit too accessible, a bit too in touch with young people. His hair isn’t really a bushy mane of black hair, but a mirage of hair dye and developer. And he wears those tinted glasses to cover the dark circles under his eyes, while also allowing him free reign to scan for the most alluring co-ed he can find. And that flashy sports car? It’s nice, but he has little money left over to spend on you. Our suggestion: Best to stick with the geeky science major in the adjacent dorm.

Once you’re out of college and comfortably ensconced in your twenties, dating an older guy might not be a bad thing. Guys take a while to mature, and they lag considerably behind women in emotional maturity by five, maybe ten years. So feel free to trade up. But be careful once again. If he’s more than ten years older than you, he’s likely not looking for “The One.” More like Some One. Or anyone.

Once you’re in your thirties and beyond, it’s all good. Older guys will likely appreciate you for some of your more refined qualities. Your ability to have an intelligent conversation will be just as sexy as a low cut blouse, and it will be refreshing to you to actually have someone look you in the eyes while you’re talking.

If you’ve recently retired and are in your golden years, ignore what we said earlier. It’s likely there won’t be very many older guys around, since most of them will have met their great maker, now sitting around a heavenly poker table playing cards for eternity. In that case an old guy will do just fine. However, you might be surprised if you realign your thinking. You might want to consider a younger man, since he’ll be attracted to your sophistication, and knowledge of the finer things in life. And of course it’s easier than you might think, because afterwards he’ll then be able to brag to his friends about the experience, which is half the reason guys do half of the things they do.

Until next time. This is The Guy’s Perspective.

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My boyfriend used to date one of my friends

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Older woman is confused

Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior?

Multiple Questions

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I’m dating this guy who is like perfect for me. Well I found out that he and one of my friends used to “talk.” And well I’m not so much worried about how she feels about it because she has a new boyfriend, who she is like in love with. But well I know they used to talk, but he doesn’t know that I know. And well I feel weird dating him when he and my friend had a “thing.”

So what do I do? I want to stay with him because I really like him, but I just can’t shake this out of my mind….

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

You have no control over what happened before you arrived on the scene. But believe us when we say, we understand your concern. We don’t particularly relish the thought of dating each other’s past girlfriends. Guys especially have a hard time with this. But as we say to one another: Get over it! And that’s exactly what you need to do.

If you really like this guy you need to make a choice. Do you want to live your life controlled by your pride, or do you want to be open to possibility? You can’t have both.

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: Getting Played- Listen to your friends

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Read the Script:

Your boyfriend is a player. And your friends know this, but they’re afraid to tell you, because they aren’t sure how you’ll react. And they don’t think you’ll believe them anyway. So what do you do? You ignore your gut and ignore your friends—because in some ways you don’t really want to know the truth—and then you write to us, complete strangers, asking us to tell you what your friends already know. Your guy is a player.

So why don’t you trust your friends? I mean they are your friends for good reason, right. You must respect their opinion on some level….or maybe not.

What’s the problem? Why don’t you trust them?

Maybe you don’t like their fashion sense. Somehow their clothes are always a bit too big, or even worse, too small, especially that bikini that only covers a few freckles and a random mole.

And their taste in food is even worse than their taste in clothes. They still think the local chinese food is authentic, even though it’s cooked by college co-eds on summer break.

Maybe they like sappy date movies that you can’t stand, or their into faux accessories, since they can’t afford the real Vera Bradley brand…., or maybe they need a GPS to find their way home from work…Fine..but everyday?

Or maybe, just maybe, they’re hotter than you? And you don’t trust them because what the hell do they know since life’s been catered to them since they first batted their eyes in the delivery room.

And even worse they have bad taste in men themselves. They have no clue that their boyfriend is cheating on them, or that he’s hit on you once..or maybe twice. You try to tell them but they don’t listen. Why would they? They’re hotter than you, remember.

But guess what. They don’t trust you either for all the same reasons.

Doesn’t this seem a bit odd to you? You tell your friends everything—every little bit of minutia that comes up during the day. Every opinion you have. Every joke. Your friends know you, often better than you know yourself. But when the topic of your man comes up, you change the subject faster than a high school boy having sex.

So believe us when we say: Trust your friends, because your friends will tell you the truth, if you just ask them.

Men: can’t live with them or without them

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Getting Played: Trust your Gut

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

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THE GUYS

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Hi Guys,

I recently met a man while at a work conference. Sadly we met on the last day, while he had been trying to meet me from lunch time day one. (I’m a bit “dense” when it comes to men). We remain in contact, however; he lives a hour flight away. I’m not rushing into anything, but he remains in contact with me via Facebook and text since we met.

How do I let him know I’m interested in getting to know him more without “freaking” him out?

Shall I listen to the media and wait for him to text me each time, or is it acceptable to text him? It is a challenge when the communication is electronic because of lack of body language etc, But he initiated for us to remain in the contact when we went our own ways. He is a doctor, so he is busy with his change of schedule and location. I am a nurse studying post-grad papers, so we are both occupied. I appreciate and accept his life is busy, but wish to let him know, “Hey… I’m here, I want to talk to you more and wish to get to know you.”

He is nice and does text me on his breaks and is quick to reply when I reply to his texts. However, he said he would text me today and now that I have finished having a busy day, I finally thought, “Hey he said he was going to text me.” That has left me wondering if I should I text him??,

What do you suggest?

Meredith

Meredith,

Thanks for your question.

Typically we would suggest letting the guy be the initiator, but taking into account your particular circumstances, we think it’s okay for you to do some of the initiating. Relationships need momentum to get going, like a train working up a head of steam. Without someone taking the lead in a relationship—and yours being a long distance relationship, which is even harder to get going—it will never get off the ground.

We say, go for it. Since he was the one who wanted to remain in contact, it’s obvious he’s interested in you. We can’t say if it’s just a physical attraction, or if he wants a relationship, but he is interested. So go ahead and text him when you feel like it. If he’s into you he’ll be happy you reached out to him. Just don’t go overboard.

Long distance relationships don’t have that natural day-to-day flow to them. They unfold very differently than “same town” relationships, because some of the action has to be forced, otherwise stagnancy occurs. And since so much is done by phone, or other electronic devices, it’s up to the two people involved to by hyper vigilant when it comes to communicating. Hopefully the two of you will develop some routines, and patterns, to help you get to know one another, and help get this relationship off the ground.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask another question.

THE GUYS

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Multiple questions: Long distance, getting played, quizno’s guy, break up, engagement off

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our very first video:

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are doing our best to answer all of them, but we are quite behind in our responses. So today we decided to answer five of your questions, since these are a bit shorter than some of the rest.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. Because we are not your typical guy site. Most of our readers are women, interested in knowing what’s behind the mind of the male. And we’re happy to provide you with those insights.

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You Tube Video

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Question 1: Long distance

Dear Guys,

I’m in a long distance relationship. It’s been about two and a half years. In the begining he would tell me how much he wanted me and how much he couldn’t wait to see me. He’d make intimate comments. Now, although he tells me he loves me all the time he no longer makes the intimate comments or tells me how much he wants me. This is leaving me feeling less desired.

So my question is: is it possible he still desires me? I will be going to visit in a couple of weeks but feel like the passion might not be there for him so I’m nervous.

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your question.

It’s always nice to receive loving compliments, especially if they are unsolicited. And it’s equally upsetting if these compliments suddenly disappear. If he used to shower you with loving poetry, and he no longer does, is it possible he’s got something else going on? We’re just wondering out loud here.

By nature, a long distance relationship is often more intense than your typical day-to-day relationship. For a guy, the anticipation of sex is enough for him to do or say anything. If he’s no longer anticipating the sex with the same fierce desire, this could be the reason he no longer compliments you. But it’s not the only reason he might be pulling back. It’s up to you to figure out why. Keep those eyes open and trust your gut. (From our video) Watch above.

We think you’ll get all the answers you need when you visit him next. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 2: Getting Played?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with this guy for six months. Within the first two months I got an STD. (He was the only one I was with.) I talked to him about it and he yelled at me and told me I was the only one he was with. On top of that I only see him maybe one day out of a week and he has only spent the night with me two times in the last two months.

He has this “A” person who is always calling and texting him. And when I ask about it he yells at me and tells me it’s his sister from another state. Yet I know there was one time his phone rang and I saw that it was “A.” I asked who it was anyways and he said it was a bill collector. Another time I saw he received a text and I saw it was from “A.” When I asked him who he was texting he said his daughter.

He has two kids, a fifteen year old girl and a thirteen year old boy, which I’ve never met. They don’t even know about me. I also have never been to his house. He says he doesn’t want to introduce me to his kids until it feels right. He gets pissed if I don’t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner, or if I decide to do something at the last minute—even when he is not with me. I’ve let him in to my life 110% including my daughter looking at him like her dad.

My questions for you guys are: Do you think he’s playing me or hiding something or someone from me? How long should I wait before I press the issue about his kids? Do you think he’ll ever let me in?

Joann

Dear Joann,

Thanks for your question.

Honestly, the situation sounds very sketchy.

Clearly you don’t trust him, and from what you say, we can understand why. So why are you trying to make this work?

Relationships are all about trust. You’ve let him into your life, but he has barely let you into his. When a guy hides you from his family and friends, it’s a major red flag.

If you really want to know what’s going on, press the issue now. It’s always best to know the truth. Either way you’ll get some answers. And knowledge is much better than uncertainty, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’re hoping.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Question 3: The Quizno’s Guy

Dear Guys,

So about two months ago I went to get Quizno’s. As I walked up to the counter, a cute guy started started talking to me as if we knew each other. As he was taking my order we ended up having a really odd conversation that most people wouldn’t normally have. We had great chemistry and quick and quirky comebacks for everything that was being said. It was one of those moments that only happens in movies or on TV. (It felt like we were the only ones in the Quizno’s shop.) As odd as that sounds, it was a feeling I never had the pleasure of experiencing. So my question for you is: is this something to look into or should I just let it be and let nature take its course?

P.S. As i was turning to leave I caught him turn and smile all kid like at his co-worker. His co-worker just gave him a sneaky/grin expression.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question. We love your story! It’s amazing when something like this happens–and not in the movies!

Well what do you think? What’s your gut telling you?

We say go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you can’t go to that particular Quizno’s anymore. What’s the best that can happen? Hmmm………Exactly!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Question 4: The Break Up

Dear Guys,

Well, I was in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. We broke up last month. We were madly in love, and then suddenly we were broken up. He said we can’t be happy when we’re together because I’m kinda needy and clingy. Apparently, he needs his own space and ‘single time’.

I’m going through a very hard time without him. But I know that he still loves me. He said that he wouldn’t contact me but he contacted my sister last week and asked about me. I didn’t let her give any information about me. I just want to disappear and get away from him. But I’m hoping that he will find me one day. Everyone around me is telling me that he will find me one day.

Will it really happen?

Soba

Dear Soba,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re in so much pain. Break ups are very difficult—like losing a part of yourself.

Having said that, sometimes break ups are necessary. And if your man is saying he needs single time, that’s a pretty strong message, and one you need to respect. It also says the two of you are in very different places in your life. Relationships are as much about timing as they are about love. Right now the timing is off between the two of you.

We can’t say whether or not the two of you will get back together. We imagine it’s going to take some time before you really know the answer to that question. For now, let yourself grieve, but try and get out and spend time with the people who love you: your family and friends. We know it’s hard, but try and enjoy the simple things in life for now. Unfortunately you don’t have any control over his actions, so you’ll have to just wait and see.

Take care and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 5: Broken Engagement

Hey guys!

My ex-fiance and I were together for over two years and were engaged, planning a wedding, etc. We were really great together and I just knew he was the one—until I found out that he cheated on me for two months by sending unsavory pictures and having racy conversations with this girl. I caught him and he confessed. But I’ll bet this was not the first girl.

We spent a few weeks apart and then talked things out and I forgave him. But I couldn’t really forget how it made me feel. I started to become a bit paranoid, wondering if it would happen again. I didn’t voice these concerns much. This led to several arguments—some heated—because he seemed uninterested, and he didn’t want to be intimate much anymore.

For a couple that had never really argued before, this was major. Just four months after finding out about the cheating, he breaks up with me suddenly, claiming that we’d get divorced if we were married and were simply too dysfunctional, which I believe to be the worst cop-out I’ve heard. He refuses to give me reasons, meet up with me, or talk to me in general. It’s like he’s forgotten we ever planned a life together and were a couple. I don’t know what to think. He’d been going to the gym a lot lately— nearly obsessing over it—and hanging out with a homosexual friend of his. He also admits he thought he was bi-sexual. I don’t even begin to know what to do. This was the guy that I was supposed to marry and now it seems like I never knew him at all. Please help!

Whitney

Dear Whitney,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult AND confusing time.

Clearly the guy you fell in love with, got engaged to, and wanted to spend your life with, is not the man you thought he was. As you say, it’s likely he was “exploring” other options—in addition to the one you know about— while the two of you were together.

You are not the first person to have your trust betrayed, and you won’t be the last. Don’t blame yourself, or question yourself too much. These things happen to the best of us. And honestly, your ex is searching right now. Do you really want to be along for that ride? It sounds like it might be a long, and tumultuous one.

The consensus here with all of us is: your guy has actually done you a favor. Even though it’s very sad now, sometime down the road, when you’re in a loving and trusting relationship, you’ll thank your ex-fiance for letting you go.

For now, hang in there. Spend time with good friends and family. Try to remember all the things you loved before you met him, and throw yourself back into them. But unfortunately you’re not going to get all the answers you need from him, because he’s searching for his own answers.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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My man is still online dating

If you have a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Dear Guys,

K, my boyfriend of two years was on dating sites the entire relationship. I caught him a few times and he said he canceled them and they were old accounts. So, I reactivated his accounts and the registration dates showed he only canceled after I dumped him. This was only in January when I dumped him. We reunited in February and he has not reactivated them since, but seriously, he was on there the whole frickin time! And he made it out that I was all insecure. We even went to a counselor!!! Also, the ideal match he was looking for was young enough to be his child and was completely different than me.

So, why is he with me if his dream girl is so different?

I am confused, and tired of being the one who is insecure and soooo hurt.

Thanks,

Desire

Dear Desire,

Thanks for your question.

We can totally see why you’d be upset by this. Not only was he sneaking behind your back, he also lied about it, and then tried to make it look like you were insecure. This is a trifecta of bad behavior.

Just because his dream girl is different than you doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. Guys often desire women who are different than the woman they are with, just for variety’s sake. It sounds cold, but it’s true. However, not every guy is going to act on his impulses like your man did. It’s okay for men to have fantasies—women have them too—but only as long as the fantasies don’t start to creep into real relationships—unless the fantasy involves both partners, and is mutually agreed upon.

Your man should not have been trolling for dates while the two of you were intimately involved, physically and emotionally. This kind of behavior is not okay.

Desire, you need to take a hard look at this relationship. Are you getting what you need? Or is it just causing you to feel more and more insecure? Your guy should be making you feel great about yourself. He should be loving, supportive, respectful, and kind. From what you say, he’s been none of those things. So why did you get back together with him? What makes him so attractive? Because you’ve got a lot of things missing here.

You deserve to have someone who treats you with respect, and someone you trust. Obviously if you’re reactivating his online dating account, you don’t trust him at all. And as you know, a relationship can’t thrive and grow without trust. So you need to figure out if this man can earn your trust again. Be true to yourself, and be honest with yourself. Only you can make that call.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

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Hey Guys,

I have a question about a guy I have been seeing. I am a single, college educated, never been married, financially independent woman. I do not have any children or any real issues. I met a guy who was working as a bartender at a local restaurant/bar that my friends and I hang out at times. I did not take him seriously for about 2 year, but I was seeing someone. But I will admit, I was being a bit elitist in thinking he was only a bartender, etc.

Well, over the past 4 years, we have been going back and forth, on and off. He, at some point, met a girl and she became his girlfriend. It sounds like she hurt him a lot, and when they broke up from time to time, he would contact me. I finally started liking him, but we kept getting interrupted by the timing–he would get back with his ex or I would meet someone. Now since February, 2011, we have been kind of seeing each other. I asked him if he was over his ex and at least open to seeing what might happen between us. He said yes. We had not slept together until after this conversation.

He just graduated from art school and I left him alone to finish his final projects. Last Friday, I was out with my girlfriends celebrating some birthdays. My guy, let’s call him Steve, and I had gotten together on Tuesday and had a great time. We made plans for Sunday, but I kinda wanted to see him Friday night when he got home from work. I kind of pushed it a bit. I was a bit tipsy, and I got a bit wild. I guess I said somethings like, “Do you believe people can stay this attracted to each other over time?” and “Steve you need to get tested.” (We had discussed this before because I am very adamant about this and he agreed!.)

We also decided to go on a little trip— my treat for his graduation. So I asked him when he thought it would work for him. I might have said some other things, but honestly, nothing like, “I want to marry you.” or “I love you.” So Saturday morning, in my gut, I got this weird feeling he was freaked out. I went running and thought about it. I sent him a text saying, “Hey Steve, I was kinda drunk last night and I went running and just got back. While I ran, I thought about my behavior last night and I am sorry if I was over the top. It was not my intention.” He did not respond to the text. Later, around ten at night, I texted him to just say, “Hey,how is work going?” No reply from Steve. So now I am really feeling like he is totally wigged out and I was right. Sunday comes and no call about our plans. So around noon I get back from the gym and call and say, “Hey are we still on for today?” He calls back around 3pm to say that he needs to distance himself from me and that I am getting too attached and he doesn’t want to send me mixed signals. So I call back then hang up and text and say, “I was drunk, that is why I texted you this morning, can we talk?” He says yes, I will call you later. We had a really good conversation. I listened and he said he didn’t know why he was so freaked. I asked him if he wanted to take some time to be alone because he has had a lot of transitions lately with graduation, getting over the ex, trying to decide about work, etc. I get that! He said no he liked me, liked being with me, and didn’t need to take time. So then our conversation ended and I thought it was resolved.

I didn’t contact him all week and I didn’t hear from him. Friday afternoon I text him, “Hi, Steve, how are you?” No reply. We are friends on Facebook, so I looked on his page, and he posted at about 11 pm on Friday, “I am heading to the backwoods this weekend on my Harley, etc..” And I never heard from him. So I went on with my Memorial Day weekend. But I am still really hurt and confused by this. I said to him on Monday night that to me, talk is cheap, and a person reveals his/herself by actions. He agreed. So now I feel like he is blowing me off—and I really don’t want that to be the case. I will not call or text him but I don’t know if I will hear from him again.

What is your advice or insight to this situation? Am I just dreaming to think that this could be any kind of relationship? I wish I had listened to him on Friday and skipped going over to his house, but I was out and really wanted to see him. I guess I totally screwed this one up. Thanks for your reply.

Nan

Dear Nan,

Thanks for your question.

It is possible for people to move too fast, or move too slowly, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But generally, if that’s all it takes to mess up the possibility of a relationship, we tend to think it was probably not going to happen anyway.

It feels like you’re having to force this relationship on “Steve” and that shouldn’t be the way it is. We still don’t think you’ve done anything we’d consider a “deal breaker.” If he was really into you, or really wanted a relationship, he would welcome your tipsy advances, unless you were way over the top, or completely embarrassing, which doesn’t sound the case. And even if you were, you apologized and tried to make it right, which shows your reflective, self-aware side. In our minds those are great qualities to have.

“Steve” is in a transitional phase of his life as you know. It doesn’t matter that he’s older than some guys in this stage. The fact is everyone’s timeline is different and he’s gotten a late start on his career path. He needs time to figure out where he’s going and what he wants. He also sounds like he’s still torn emotionally over his ex. He needs time to do his thing, on his own terms. And isn’t that the way life is? It’s all about timing. And in your case, it feels like the timing just isn’t there.

So our advice is, let things play out on his terms. He has to be the one who initiates with you, not the other way around, which has been the case up until this point. Let him contact you via texting or calling. Let him ask you out. Let him be the one to plan any weekend getaways. And see how it goes. If nothing happens then you’ll know it’s not the right time for him. As far as having physical relations with him: please be careful. It’s likely if he calls you out of the blue, he’s seeing other women besides you. You’ve got to be safe out there.

We also think you need to put yourself back out on the dating scene when you’re ready. We know you’re still into this guy, but if you can keep a little of yourself open to meeting someone new, this might be a really nice thing for you.

Please leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. (Feel free to ask another question anytime.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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What happened with this guy?

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Dear Guys,

I joined a gym last year and started working out with one of the PTs. We worked out every other week which then turned into every week – he was good and I pushed myself when I was with him. We started talking outside of the gym through Facebook…he always contacted me and it soon became flirty. I figured this is just the way he is, keeping me sweet so I would stay with him as a PT. But the flirting became a bit more obvious at the gym, with his mates ribbing him when I was around; and I got messages from his mates through Facebook telling me he liked me. About 5 weeks ago, he quit the gym because it wasn’t working out for him. He didn’t tell me until the last day and said he could either pass me onto someone else or he would be happy to train ‘with’ me, which is what we continued to do.

A few weeks ago, he went out and got drunk and was texting me. He ended up telling me his heart was maybe mine. I chalked it up to him being drunk. But when I saw him the following week he played down how drunk he was saying by the end of the night he wasn’t at all drunk. This conversation continued later on after the gym and I invited him round the next night. He came round and we kissed and he stayed the night. We talked till about 2am and though it was a bit rushed in the morning it didn’t seem awkward.

Now he has stopped all contact with me. After standing me up at the gym and not responding to my text, I caught him on Facebook and asked him what was going on—not thinking I would get a response. He told me he didn’t want a relationship or anything, and his life/ head was messed up, and there were things I didn’t know about him. Once he told me, he quickly logged off so I sent him a message saying I understood and that I respected his decision. The next day I stupidly messaged his mate —the one who’d messaged me in the past— to find out if he was okay. The guy found out and had a huge go at me. I apologized straight away saying I was confused by how he was acting. He responded by telling me that if I was to continue to pester him I should get out of his life! I haven’t contacted him since then, but did he really just want one thing from me? It seems a lot of work for one night and that night could have happened a long time ago. He says it wasn’t a one night thing but I have lost a friend over this and it hurts! I never said I wanted a relationship so why has he just cut me out of his life like this?? Have I been completely fooled?!

Becs

Dear Becs,

Thanks for your question. (We’re going to read between the lines and assume the two of you were intimate with one another when he slept over. It sounds like it. )

No you haven’t been fooled. We actually agree with your assessment. We think this is a lot of work for a “one night stand.” Although, we won’t lie and say it’s not impossible he had a complete reversal in his desire for a relationship with you.

One thing important to note about guys: sometimes it takes having sex with someone for a guy to truly know whether or not he’s into a particular woman. Of course we would say: if a guy is truly in love with a woman he’ll make it work even if there aren’t fireworks in the bedroom. This latter type of guy believes relationships require commitment and effort, and with this type of mentality, it’s likely all aspects of the relationship will only get better and better. But a hefty percentage of guys will sleep with a woman before they’re 100% sure; and it’s not until AFTER the deed is done—when the chemicals in their bodies have gone back to normal levels—when they’re able to think clearly. That’s why we always say, make sure your man says I love you at other times besides right before sex.

But Becs, maybe his life is as messed up as he says it is. And maybe you don’t know him like he’s saying. Sure, this may be a ruse to throw you off his scent, a deflection to keep you from discovering the real truth: he slept with you only to realize he’s not into you. However, we think he’s telling the truth here. And if so, maybe he does need to get his “stuff” together before he’s able to be in a relationship. It would be nice if he could provide you with more details, which might help put your mind to rest, but that’s not going to happen. The two of you don’t know each other well enough, and it sounds like these other issues are things he’d like to keep private.

So this is one of those situations where you’re just going to always wonder what happened unfortunately. But rest assured, you certainly didn’t do anything wrong. This is all about him, not you. And who knows maybe he’ll come around, and at some point you’ll get the answers you’re looking for. But for now, respect his wishes, and move on with your life.

Good luck. Leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Am I misinterpreting my friend?

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Recent questions:

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

Possible Porn Addict

We met and then I left the country

Dating Problems: I keep wanting to leave

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Hear the interview with Actor Charles Shaughnessy. You might know him from the sitcom “The Nanny.”

The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Dear Guys,

I’ve been interested in a friend of mine, James, off and on over the past couple years. We met in university, and despite what our friends think (and suggest), we don’t have any sort of history. Nothing has ever happened between us, and I’ve never told him that I’ve been interested, namely because when he’s been single I’ve been in a relationship of sorts, and vice versa. As of now, we’re both single, and I’ve been trying to figure out whether or not he’s interested back.

There have been a number of little things that have recently made me wonder about James, such as inviting himself to study with me (within a 9-day period, he visited or studied with me 6 times); recently starting to call me “sweety” and “cutie”, which he’d never done in the previous five years; as well as giving me an overload of compliments on everything from my outfits, to my hair (smell, look, softness), to my photos.

One evening over coffee, we were discussing chivalry and I had said that I appreciate it (or at least aspects of it). He was already a gentleman about opening doors, but since that conversation, he’s opened every door that he possibly could for me, even going as far as to jokingly fight me to get to the door first.

James and I have had an on-going plan to spend a day together in the city, and we’ve always referred it as our “adventure” —adding in anything from lunch or dinner plans, to checking out a museum, to going for drinks and dancing. While we were making plans to attend a festival next month, James suggested we “make our date out of it.” I agreed to it, assuming he was referring to our ‘adventure’ plans, and he responded to say that in spite of the fact that we’ve kept postponing it he was really looking forward to our “overdue city date.” I was a bit taken aback by the fact that he was referring to it as a date, considering we’d never called our plans a date. It was always our adventure.

Am I wrong for having questions about these little things? Does it sound like I’m misinterpreting simple actions of a good friend? Any advice on how I can casually ask him where he stands?

Thanks,
Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your question.

We interpret all his actions the same way you do. We definitely think he’s into you, and he’s doing his best to be clear about his intentions, but at the same time trying to be subtle, considering your long past as “just friends.”

Changing the word “adventure” to “date” is a significant and intentional shift in his wording. He’s not sure where you stand on the matter so it’s a very innocuous way of testing the waters. He’s throwing these hints out and seeing if they stick. If you had commented on the fact that he used the word “date” he might have backed off. But the fact that you agreed to it tells us he’ll push this as far as he can.

Our best advice to you is, keep encouraging him by agreeing to whatever he suggests—as long as you’re comfortable with his proposals. After you’ve gone on a few “dates” then it could be time to talk about what’s going on and where the two of you stand. Our gut tells us it will be clear long before you actually have to bring it up. It’s likely you’ll both be sitting in some romantic spot, maybe on a riverbank watching the boats go by, or walking in a park as kids laugh on a nearby playground, and he’ll look you in the eye and the two of you will share a moment. (You may already have, since you wrote to us two weeks ago.)

So enjoy it Kate. The great thing about your situation is that the two of you have been such good friends for so long. It’s not everyday that friends are able to make the leap to romantic partners. If you do manage to make the transition then you already have a comfort level between the two of you that often takes a long time for new partners to reach. That gives you a lot of time to enjoy some of the other “benefits” that come with being in love. :)

Good luck, and leave us a follow up comment, or follow up comments. We’d love to hear how things are going.

THE GUYS

The Guy’s Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy interview, 12 items or less, contests

Cucch and Sai are pleased to welcome actor Charles Shaughnessy, well known for his portrayal of Maxwell Sheffield opposite Fran Drescher on CBS’s The Nanny from 1993 to 1999.

Shaughnessy also appeared in the Disney Channel 2002 made-for-TV movie Get a Clue. He was also seen in the Halloween 2000 made-for-TV movie Mom’s Got A Date With A Vampire starring opposite Caroline Rhea (she guest-starred on The Nanny in 1998 as part of a cross-over with Hollywood Squares). That same year, Shaughnessy made two appearances on The WB’s Sabrina (this show stars Rhea, Melissa Joan Hart, and Beth Broderick) playing two different characters. He played Alec Colson in the 8th-season episode “Covenant” of Stargate SG-1. He also voiced Dr Quintaine in the PC game Freelancer.

He has recently appeared on an episode of NBC’s Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and is also the voice of Dennis the Goldfish on the Disney Channel cartoon series Stanley. On May 11, 2002, Shaughnessy won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Performer in an Animated Program for his portrayal of Dennis the Goldfish on Stanley.

Currently Mr. Shaughnessy is starring in Lerner and Loewe’s “My Fair Lady” at The North Shore Music Theatre in Beverly MA from June 7-19. We sit down for a half hour discussion on Broadway, television, parenting, the internet, and a whole lot more.

Also please check out Mr. Shaughnessy’s current projects:

Bus Stop 31 Productions

CoffeyBuzz

But before the interview begins Cucch and Sai give a reminder about the “Guy’s Perspective Slow Jams” Contest. Share your jam and you could win a $25 Starbucks Gift Card!

Also don’t forget about the iTunes Review Challenge. Help us get to 60 reviews and leave a comment on iTunes and be entered in our “2 Thumbs Up!” thumb drive giveaway!

Sai shares his latest Pet Peeve: the very forgiving, or not so forgiving, interpretation of “12 items or less.”

Finally, Cucch and Sai present Mr. Charles Shaughnessy, interviewed by Cucch, aka Chris.

Enjoy the show and thanks for listening!

The Guy's Perspective Ep. 38: Actor Charles Shaughnessy Interview, 12 items or less, contests [ 37:29 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

We met and then I left the country

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Recent questions:

Confusing friendship; will this guy follow through?

A confused girl; the prom

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

Hi Guys,

I was working in India. A month before I left my job to head back to NY, I met a guy who was joining the company I was working for. I thought this could be a fun last hurrah. We ended up spending most of the month together – we talked about our families and our lives and realized we had a lot in common with regard to education, and even music. We did discuss how it had been more than just physical but that I was leaving the country for good, and he said he hadn’t been looking for a relationship. We kept in touch on chat and it’s been about 6 weeks now and the chat is initiated by both of us. But, he hasn’t asked to talk to me on the phone or skype and I feel weird about being the one to initiate that. Days that we don’t chat or he doesn’t initiate chats, I am really sad. I feel strongly about the connection we have. I know we both felt it, but I am scared because I wonder what the point is if we are in separate countries with neither of us having a plan to move. I am quite miserable. Please tell me what you think I should do.

Thanks,

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for your question.

It seems a strong connection was made between the two of you, beyond just a month long fling. And we feel these types of connections aren’t always easy to come by. So it’s our opinion that you need to “fight” for it. Meaning, you should do anything in your power to see how this plays out.

We have no idea what might actually happen between the two of you. It is possible that he views the situation much differently than you do. But you can’t worry about that. You have to go for what you want, and if it works out, great, and if not, no regrets.

What’s the worst that can happen if you initiate more contact with him via phone or skype? If he reminds you that he wasn’t looking for a relationship in the first place then you’ll know where you stand with him. But as it is now, you’re left wondering. And remember, millions of people say they aren’t looking for a relationship when they actually find the person of their dreams. So don’t let that deter you. Life isn’t this perfect little package with a neat and clean timeline. It’s messy, and things constantly happen out of sequence.

However, keep your eye on the real goal: to have a relationship with him where you’re actually in the same country, or even better, the same town. The phone is a great first step, but hopefully it will help the two of you figure out whether or not you want to take the relationship to the next level.

Long distance relationships require tons and tons of communication, but they can work if both people are committed. Good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment. And feel free to ask another question anytime. Or a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word about us. Thanks! And subscribe to our blog and/or podcast. Videos coming soon!

Possible Porn Addict

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

Confusing friendship; will this guy follow through?

A confused girl; the prom

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

Being played by my woman?

How does he like to be licked? and… Am I too controlling?

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

Dear Guys,

What does it mean when you are in a casual relationship with a guy and he wants to have nude pics or recordings? Those could easily get into the wrong hands or be posted on the Net.

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Thanks for your question.

It means he thinks you’re hot, and that he’s into that sort of thing, and possibly has a porn addiction. And since it is a casual relationship, you’re right to be concerned with the video getting into the wrong hands, or landing on the internet.

Some couples will make videos of themselves for fun, but typically these are made solely for their own viewing pleasure, like their own personal porn movie.

In your case, this video sounds like it’s going to be part of a collection, something this guy watches when he doesn’t have “something or someone” going on. And when it’s over between the two of you, you’ll have no control over what happens to it, or who sees it. Yes, he’s not allowed to do that, but that doesn’t mean he won’t.

We say, it’s best to stay away from this sort of thing, unless you’re in a very committed relationship and/or you’re married.

We’d even go so far as saying, he might already be filming you without you even knowing it. Sorry to creep you out, but this strikes us as a possibility. You might want to chat with him a bit more about this, and let him know where you stand with things.

Keep us posted, and leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

The Guy’s Perspective Ep.37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz and Slow Jams Contest!

Rebecca Black covered on Glee

Rebecca Black Tweeted this week that she’s working on her follow-up single. Sai and Cucch chat about that and her big break on the TV series Glee.

Dunkin Donuts does Cucch wrong… 3 Times!!!

Strange things are afoot at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru. Is Cucch’s attendant a psychic in training or can they just not get an order right?

Hot or Not: Momentary Fashions of the 2000’s

A strange turn of phrase start Cucch and Sai thinking about passing fads. Do you remember these crazes that began in the 2000′s? And are they still hot?

Axe Body Spray: New Axe Ad

Bratz Dollz: Original Bratz Ad

Heinz EZ Squirt Ketchup: It’s Worse Than We Remembered

Sudoku: Free Sudoku Online

Crocs: I Love Crocs / I Hate Crocs

bonus Vibram “Finger” Shoes: “Five Finger” Shoes

Ugg Boots: The Ugg Boot Vaccine – Hilarious!

XFL: Feb. 2001- May 2001 R.I.P. The XFL Official Site

Ask The Guys:

Got questions about life, love, or lawn maintenance?

Sabrie: “He’s still awkward

Leif : “How can I keep growing into a gentleman?”

Yvette: “Is he over his divorce?”

Sakura: “He asked me to visit him in his country. Is it worth it?

The Meat: Setting the Mood With Music

How do you set the mood for a romantic evening? What part does the right music play?

“Guys Perspective Slow Jams” Mix Tape Contest

You could win a $25.00 Starbucks Giftcard!!!

To take part, just share your favorite romantic “Slow Jam” with us.
Call The Guy’s Listener Line at 347-855-GUYS or share at Contact Us
Enter by June 30th

Finally, don’t forget to head over to iTunes and leave us a comment and 5 star review if you haven’t already. It helps us get the word out and we would really appreciate it!

The Guy's Perspective Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, and Slow Jams Contest! [ 55:23 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

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Recent questions:

Confusing friendship; will this guy follow through?

A confused girl; the prom

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi Guys,

I originally posted this in the wrong section of your website. Here it is again, in the correct section. I really need your help on this one, Guys! Thanx!…

From THE GUYS: We’re assuming names have been changed.

My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

Problems I’m having are these:

1) My boyfriend’s friend is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage. She continually COMPLAINS ABOUT her current husband WITH my boyfriend. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend????

Diane and Joe say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him. Why? Because of his track record with women… 2 divorces, cheated on first wife 20 yrs ago, used this other woman over the past 3 years for oral sex, and pretty much admitted he used her even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

2) He is VERY protective of this “Diane” friend of his. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

3) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly disrespectful of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

4) Those two call each other daily. They visit each other’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as disrespectful of the relationship between my bf and I.

5) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. He doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
What do I do to resolve all of this?

I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

Thanx,

Ariana

P.S. ….Note to self: As I write this, I wonder, don’t I think enough of myself to NOT be with this man? What am I doing? Do I NOT respect myself enough, that I ACCEPT this stuff?

P.P.S. He says he “loves” me about 5-8 times a day. I say it too. He calls me every day, we visit eachother every day… we eat dinner together and hang out and talk, watch t.v., laugh, talk about work, say I love you, hug alot, hold hands, and even dance together. But I’m utterly LOST and confused. I’m also AFRAID he’ll have sex with this “Diane” friend (if he hasn’t already over their “15 yr” so-called “friendship”

Oh, and WHY do I love this guy? I love ALL the “OTHER” parts of him… except the “unsavory” stuff I mentioned above. I try not to think about it – - it’s not easy. I love his hugs and kisses, his softness toward me, the laughs we have, coffee together every morning, the sex, our dancing together, our long talks, and beautiful dinners at home together. …I love just about EVERYTHING about Joe, except the crummy stuff (if that makes ANY sense). I suppose one can’t separate the good from the bad, cuz it is all one package. That’s why I’m so conflicted.

Where do I go from here, Guys. What do I do? What OF this DIANE chick? Why does he choose such a “broken”, “messed up” (to use his words) friend as DIANE to be his BEST Friend (other than me, his supposed girlfriend)?

Too many questions, sorry, but this all hurts so much. I feel SO conflicted. I feel like I have no respect for myself, and well… I SHOULD.

Dear Ariana,

Thanks for writing to us.

We see multiple issues going on here. First of all you’ve only been dating “Joe” for six months. And while that is plenty of time to become very close, it pales in comparison to all the history he has with his friend “Diane.” They’ve known each other for 15 years, and have been through a lot of trying times together, which has brought them closer together, however unhealthy it may seem to you.

We commend “Joe” for sticking with his friend, even though it’s clear that she has many issues she needs to work through. (And those issues are way beyond the scope of what we talk about here.) It sounds like they need each other at this point, and maybe through their shared history, they actually help support one another. Remember, this friendship, or relationship, has been going on long before you were in the picture, so it would take a lot to supplant it. Your best approach is to try to understand it and get him to tell you why he values the relationship so much without accusing him, although it may be too late for this since it’s been such a source of discourse between the two of you.

Further more, there’s nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex as long as it doesn’t impinge on the primary relationship. However, in your case we agree with you; his relationship with her is starting to impact your relationship because of the close emotional ties he has with her. These ties don’t allow him to be truly open to someone new, but maybe he wants it that way. That’s a larger issue that also needs to be resolved. Why is this relationship so important to him, to the point where he refuses to include you and compromise any aspect of it?

We can’t speak to the physical aspect of their relationship. He says there’s nothing going on and you still wonder. So what’s that all about? Yes, his history is a bit “storied” but people can change. Sure some guys are serial cheaters, but sometimes it’s the situation that brings out that side of people. We don’t condone cheating on any level, but we understand that people are human, and sometimes when people feel trapped, or overwhelmed the behave in unsavory ways. It is true that once you cheat it’s easier to cheat again, but we also know guys who’ve cheated once and wouldn’t do it again. (So they say.) If you’re going to be in a relationship with this guy you have to accept his past and keep it in the past. You have to accept him for who he is now, because all of his past has defined him and made him the man you love—yes, even his moments of weakness with the “other” girl. If he is actually cheating on you currently that’s a whole other story. If that ends up being the case, then by all means you should move on immediately.

Ariana, you need to have trust in your relationship to be able to go the distance. You tell us all the reasons you love this man, but at the same time you don’t trust him at all. That’s quite a disparity, and no way to conduct, or advance a relationship. All it’s doing is making you confused, upset, anxious, and stressed out. And if it continues it will slowly whittle away your self-esteem, and cause resentment and anger. And it goes from there.

So, you need to get him talking. (Maybe couples counseling) If you can’t get him to understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where he’s coming from, we only see this relationship continuing in the same way it’s continuing. All this peripheral stuff: his friendship, his past actions, his stubborness, are all symptoms of larger issues going on for you and him. And in some ways you both seem like you’re struggling with some of the same things: self-worth and trust in other people.

Finally, sometimes relationships don’t work out simply because they are too hard. Meaning, sometimes there are so many things to deal with that the good times are constantly overshadowed by the weight of all the other issues. At some point you need to evaluate this relationship and decide if it’s going to work for you, and him. Love isn’t always enough. (And we hate to say that, because we believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy.)

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And feel free to ask another question down the road.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

Confusing friendship: Will this guy follow through?

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Dear Guys

I have a friend that I’ve known for over 6 years. I’ve lost contact with him on several occasions but I really do like him. Here’s the latest case. Back in December 10′ I bumped into him on the bus. We chatted for a second and then my stop came. He said to me, You’re getting off. Take my # down, and use it this time.” I did.

We text each other, called each other, and he even drove by to see me after work sometimes. But in March I called him a day before his birthday and he answered. It was alot of noise so he said he’d call me back when everything died down. So his birthday comes the next day and I call, and his phone is cut off —by the company. I called a few times after the fact figuring he would get it turned back on asap, but he didn’t. So I went on Facebook and sent him a message. No response. This is the second time he has done this. Every time I see him face to face it’s a fairytale. Then I lose contact with him and he doesn’t respond to Facebook messages or phone calls.

Should I just say to hell with him or what?

Porsche

Dear Porsche,

Thanks for your question.

This guy seems easily distracted. He also doesn’t seem to be ready for any type of relationship.

You should look for consistency when you’re evaluating a potential new suitor. That sounds business like, but consistency is a great indicator for whether or not you’re in for an easy ride or a tumultuous one. A guy should show up on time, call when he says he’s going to call, follow through on promises, and otherwise be a reliable force in your life. This guy sounds like none of these.

Also, we see a big red flag in the fact that he gave you his number and told you to call him, instead of asking for yours. That’s a strategy often used by a “player.” If the guy is truly interested he’ll ask for your number, and then call you. If he isn’t able to do that, he isn’t mature enough to be in any kind of serious relationship.

This guy may be charming and fun, but until he’s past the scattered stage, you’re better off letting him do his thing. Maybe sometime in the future—quite a ways in the future—you’ll meet up on the bus again and things will go differently. But we wouldn’t count on it.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And check back with us if you have any other questions. Let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and podcast feed. Check us out on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Age gap in my relationship; lack of trust

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Recent questions:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Listen to our latest podcast, AND subscribe: (see subscribe buttons at top of pages)

Dear Guys,

I am 22 year old woman and I’m dating a 44 year old man. We have been dating for almost 5 months. We have had our share of loving moments and tense moments, but I care for him dearly and go out of my way to make him happy. We have some trust issues, since I went through his phone and found some pictures of other girls. The only thing is, he still holds it over my head that I went through his phone. In addition to the one-time phone incident, he saw a picture of a guy friend of mine on my camera and thought I was cheating on him. He thinks that I lie to him about where I am and what I am doing. Lately he will just randomly start thinking about it, get angry, and will start a fight. Now when he fights, he goes below the belt (verbally). He says all of the meanest, rudest things he can think of to me. I hold my tongue because I have learned not to say things I don’t mean to someone I deeply care about.

I just want him to be happy, so do you you think I should just give us some space or should I keep trying to make things work?

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

Thanks for writing to us.

Your relationship is missing the most important ingredient of any relationship: trust. Neither of you seem to trust the other person, which has begun to create a serious crevasse in the foundation of your relationship. If you want to make this work you need to get to figure out the source of this mistrust and go from there.

So what made you so suspicious that you felt you needed to go through his phone? Was he doing something that made you wonder? (Not returning phone calls, disappearing for a day or night, being evasive when questioned.) If he was doing these things we can see why you’d wonder if he was cheating on you. But at the same time, you do realize you can’t go through someone’s phone? Because where do you go from there? If you find some evidence that confirms your suspicions, what do you do with that information? Once you reveal that information he’ll learn how you gathered the info and then it can only go downhill from there. And if you don’t find anything but he finds out you went through his phone, he’s not going to trust you. (Which happened) All in all, it’s better to ask someone directly than to use covert means to find out the information. Of course then you have to figure out if they are telling the truth or not.

As far as your fighting goes: people need to be careful how they fight. His verbal attacks sound out of line and should not be tolerated by you. Fighting happens in relationships, but it’s the WAY couples fight that determines whether or not they will stay together. Right now they way he is fighting doesn’t make us very hopeful for your relationship continuing much longer.

Nikki, we aren’t going to tell you what to do, but overall your relationship sounds broken, and unless you do some serious work together, it’s going to remain broken even if you have periods of tenderness here and there. We can see that beneath all the layers of mistrust that both of you care for each other, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work. We also think your ages are playing a part in all of this. Twenty two years might not be a wide gap if you were 44 and he was 66, but at 22 and 44, that’s quite an age gap. He’s gotten to experience so much more of life than you, and that’s playing a part in your lack of trust. And the fact that you’re a cute, 22 year old woman is playing a part in his jealousy and anger.

Our advice: Take what you learned in this relationship and apply it to the next one, maybe with a guy who’s a little closer in age.

THE GUYS

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I’m with someone who still has feelings for his ex

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.

Leila

Dear Leila,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.

The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.

Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.

But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.

We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.

Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.

THE GUYS

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Not sure if he’ll ever commit

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Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

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Dear Guys,

Hey, sorry this is long.

This guy I used to talk to over the summer I have recently started talking to again. We met last June when mutal friends all went out to a bar. I was interested but he seemed pretty shy so I was the one to approach him. We talked for a little that night and then we saw each other the next week at the same bar. We started talking more and the next time I saw him out he ended up kissing me, but never asked for my number. I ended up being the one to ask, messaging him on Facebook and we exchanged numbers. We hung out a few more times with friends and eventually started talking everyday. We would stay up extremely late talking to each other on the phone about everything. We eventually started hanging out alone, flirting and joking around, enjoying each others company. We even started kissing all the time and stuff but never had sex. I have never met his family and I knew he just got out of a relationship and didn’t want another right then. I then went back to school, which is an hour away from where he lives and we slowly stopped communicating as much. One night I said he was acting weird and he never responded.

I stopped texting him and just got over it and moved on. I heard from a friend that he said he didn’t know why he stopped talking to me and that I was a really nice girl. Since I used to talk to him everyday and we did build a friendship, I contacted him on Christmas to say merry Christmas. We would talk here and there but never like we used to. We hung out once in January with friends and we talked breifly about old times.

In the beginning of March he texted me saying he wanted to come visit. I said he was welcome to whenever and since that night we have started talking everyday again. I went home one weekend shortly after he texted me and we hung out. Everything went great and felt comfortable like it used to. Since then we started hanging out more, he has even come visit here a few times. We talk everyday, mostly through texting but occasionally phone calls. We flirt a lot when we do talk and recently we’ve started having sex. He calls me babe sometimes and sometimes says how he wishes he could be here with me. I usually am the one to actually ask him to hangout but he always seems interested.

I usually tend to push people away but for some reason, not with him. Although I do express my feelings a little bit I definitely hold back a lot because I’m not sure what he wants. I know he wasn’t ready for another relationship over last summer but I’m not sure if he is now, or ever will be!

Audrina

Dear Audrina,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s too early to tell what’s going to happen here. He obviously is interested in you, but as far as a long term interest you’ll just have to wait and see.

We think you need to tone it down and step it up.

You should tone it down by letting him take the initiative more. Let him ask you to do things. You might be frustrated by this if he doesn’t move at a pace of your liking, but it will give you a better indication of his interest. We think you’re making it way too easy for him because you’ve pretty much initiated all the forward movement of this relationship.

You should step it up by expressing your feelings to him. You don’t have to tell him everything, but you need to take this relationship out of your head and onto the table. If you reveal a bit of how you’re feeling, he might open up to you about what’s going on for him.

The last thing we’ll say is: Time will give you more answers. It’s too soon to really know where this is going, especially since you’re at school and essentially in a long distance relationship. The good news is that he seems interested in making the effort to come see you at school, but still he needs to start initiating these weekend hangs. Also, be aware that he could be visiting you just for sex. We’re not saying that’s the case, but guys have been known to travel long distances for some action. This is why you need to start gathering more information soon. But in order to do that you’re going to have to give up some control, externally and internally.

Keep us posted and feel free to ask any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comment section of this post.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word and let your friends know about us.

Reuniting on Facebook: Confused

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Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

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He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

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Soon to be mom

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Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

Hi. There is this guy that reconnected with me via Facebook whom I knew from my childhood. He messaged me asking if I was so and so’s sister. I had no clue who he was. This is going back almost two months ago now. From then on we added eachother on Facebook and a week later we started speaking on the phone. We got along really well and we hit it off really quickly. He was always calling and texting me. Whether it was in the middle of the day or calls til late at night. He was the one always initiating them. I never took it as anything more then a friendship. He was divorced very recently from a suffocating marriage. He has two kids so alot of the times he would open up to me about his problems.

Anyhow two weeks later he had his friend visit him from another country. I started to see him let loose a bit and he wasn’t calling me as much as before. He started going out more and partying. I think he was making up for lost time from his marriage as he got married pretty young. I started to feel like he was brushing me off. One night I sent him a text saying pretty much that. He said he was not ready to offer anyone anything more then a friendship. He said he needs time for himself and that he hopes I understand that. I took offense because I never asked for much anyway. We talked more and worked out the misunderstanding. However, the next day I found out from a random girl via Facebook that this guy met some girl and he told her he wants to get to know her for something serious, and that he would like to meet her in person.

So to make a long story short, he’s been dating other women, but still talking to me. And he’s been giving me major mixed signals. And sometimes he’s not reliable, and texts but then doesn’t. I just wanted to get a male point of view on this.

Thanks,

Miss X

Dear Miss X,

Thanks for writing to us.

You really haven’t said what you want, so we’ll just assume that you’d like to have some sort of relationship with this guy, otherwise you wouldn’t be stressing over all of his actions.

The bottom line is, this guy isn’t ready. And we can’t blame him. Think about what he’s coming out of: a suffocating marriage. You said so yourself. The last thing he wants is, to be in another serious relationship, even if that person-you-is totally terrific. If you really think this guy is something special you’re going to need to be very patient. It might take a long time. And frankly he may never want to get serious again. People who’ve been married often have different attitudes about getting remarried once they’re divorced. We know a lot of divorced guys that say, “We will never get married again.”

The best thing you can do for yourself is sit on the sidelines for this one, because a lot of women are going to get played if they choose to connect with this guy. That’s what we think is going on with this other woman you mention, and probably will happen a bunch more times until he gets it out of his system, if he ever does.

If you enjoy his company, be his friend, but if you get more involved than that, you’re going to get hurt and be more confused. He’s just not ready yet.

THE GUYS

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He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

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