The Guy’s Perspective

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Wednesday’s Question:

Did he ever care at all?

Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating a guy exclusively for a year and 3 months. Within the first year he went on 3 “guy trips” to Miami twice and Vegas once. I was uncomfortable with each, and made that clear. However, I wanted to respect his manhood and allow him to go with complete trust. I am sure he danced here and there but I did not question him when he got back either of the times. I kept it to myself.

Well, except the Vegas trip. One of his friends posted the dreaded trip on his Facebook page. As you can imagine, pictures can tell a thousand words. I confronted him on how embarrassed I was about the way he behaved- as if he were a single man. He barely defended himself because he claims he was drunk and didn’t even know people were taking pictures. Clearly he was drunk posing with one of his “home girls” holding her hair back and pretending to bend her over. That was embarrassing to me. He claims it was 100% innocent. I feel he was innocent, but it shows me that he when inhibitions are down (he is 29 by the way), that his behavior is not respectful of me. I am out of sight out of mind. Or maybe, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

I am forgiving, but this coming July, the trend is starting once again. My question is, how do I go about dealing with this notion in my head that in July 2011, he is going to Miami for the same reason others go in July? He says it is a guys trip, but on the past 2 trips, magically his “home girls” are there to meet up. Some of these girls he hasn’t seen in years. And now this is becoming an annual Miami reunion. As his girlfriend, is this in a normal long term relationship excusable? Should I be okay with this?

I want to understand my man, and be okay with his guy trips, but I am unsure if I am just being naive. It is hard to take advice from women, because most of my friends do not trust their men. I know he is a good guy, maybe he makes stupid decisions when he is drunk; but I know he means well when it comes to me. But in terms of the respect factor, I do not know how to bring the conversation up with him.

Do I ask him that this be his last guy trip, or do I ask him not to drink? Won’t he rebel? My girlfriend (one of them) claims that he is taking advantage of me and I am “too nice” for letting him go on all these trips. When he made it a goal of his in 2011 to move out of his mothers house (They are Indian) and get his own place for US I was happy. But so far, he is more interested in his Miami trip than this move. He has plenty of money, so money is not the issue. I think it’s his priorities. However I don’t want to force him to not do what makes him happy. This is where my friends think I am wrong. Apparently he is having his cake and eating it too. Any insight? I asked him numerous times would he rather be single and get this stuff out of his system, but he says the clubbing is out of his system, and this is just a guys’ trip-an annual trip. He LOVES to travel with his guys. Side note: his boys are all single. They always are, or they magically break up with their girls before they go. Mine doesn’t want to break up when he goes. He pretty much calls me on the regular. Would I be wrong to give him an ultimatum when he goes, and tell him to think about if these trips are more important then the relationship we have? And ask him to think about it an decide between the trips and/or me?

Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Thanks for your question. We think you’ve hit upon something that a lot of women wonder about. So we’re going to explore the Guy Trip in general, and then address your specific question.

If a guy loves a woman they will pretty much do whatever it takes to keep her happy. But the emasculation factor is high here; so sometimes we need a break to strut our stuff, and prove to ourselves and our buddies, that we still have a drop of testosterone left in our bodies. Now typically, playing pool at a bar, or going to a baseball game, or frequenting the local “watering hole” is enough for us. For a few hours we preen and posture with our boys, reassert our manhood, and feel whole again. But sometimes these little medieval jaunts aren’t enough, and we need to put on full scale armor and do a little jousting. Enter the Guy Trip.

A Guy Trip is needed when our estrogen levels have risen to dangerous heights, and the levy is close to breaking; or when a shot of testosterone won’t do it, and a full fledged blood transfusion is needed. Guys will then plan some outlandish trip where they live in a semi-altered state for a weekend or longer, that allows them revert back to when they were single, living on pizza, drinking beer in the morning, gawking at women(hopefully not touching, but sometimes), and doing all the foolish things they remember as being fun. Typically after a few days, this behavior gets old, and they realize it’s not their manhood they were searching for, but their youth. And then they are happy to reinsert themselves back into their lives, content for the moment.

But having said all that, we agree with your girlfriends for the most part. Just because guys need these types of trips occasionally, doesn’t mean Vegas or Miami should always be the destination. A Vegas trip might be okay once-say for a special bachelor party, or for a big high school reunion or something like that-but not for a yearly jaunt. We’re not saying your man is actually doing something that undermines your relationship-although we’re not saying he isn’t either-but just that trips to Vegas are providing him more than a much needed injection of manhood. He loves going, and in this respect he is getting his cake and eating it too.

If your guy wants to bond with his “boys” why couldn’t he go camping for a few days, or go on a golf outing, or do something on a less grand scale? We’re just a bit curious why he feels the need to do a week long jaunt to the City of Sin to feel whole again? If you know what we’re saying.

We also wonder why his “home girls” always seem to be part of the picture. Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you? We don’t know him as well as you do, but that certainly begs an explanation. Remember Nicole, if something looks and feels suspicious, it probably is. We had another question a few months ago where a woman’s man was also taking regular trips to Vegas with work friends. (We answered it on our podcast.) A  picture was taken of her man and two women work “friends” sleeping in the same bed. He told her they just fell asleep and nothing happened, and she took him at his word. Well, let’s just say that was a bit suspicious don’t you think?

So we have a question for you. Does your man realize how much his trips to Miami and Vegas bother you? You say you’ve told him, but does he really know the depth of how you feel?

All relationships require some sort of give and take. And this comes with trust. Without trust, no relationship can survive the long term. It’s sad that none of your girlfriends trust their men. We believe there are men out there that can be trusted, so none of you should be settling for less.

We realize you don’t want to give him an ultimatum, and you shouldn’t. (This is where we disagree with your friends.) He has to come to the realization himself, after you tell him how you feel; otherwise your ultimatum will just lead to resentment on his part and your part, and possibly lead to the end or your relationship. But please tell him specifically how these guy trips make you feel; and tell him how you feel when you see pictures of him humping these so called friends. Deliver this information to him as calmly as you can. If he hears you and still chooses to do what he wants, then you need to take a hard look at the relationship and ask yourself a few questions. Are you getting what you need out of the relationship? And does he care enough about the relationship to change some of his behavior?

Sure, guy trips are wonderful and often necessary. They are similar to  when women get together for a girls night out. (Well not exactly)  But no trip should undermine an existing relationship, and cause more stress and strife.

This is a delicate balance, and an issue many couples struggle with. How much independence is okay within a committed relationship? Every couple has to come up with a solution that works for them. Too much of anything is trouble. So the balance between jealousy and freedom is something all couples have to work out. You two have a lot to work on it sounds like.

And for the record we wouldn’t be okay with our girlfriends, wives, or partners exhibiting the kind of behavior your boyfriend is exhibiting. Maybe he’s just not ready to be in the kind of relationship you want-a long term, committed, and respectful relationship.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

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If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

However, we will give priority to any question accompanied by a small donation. Click the Paypal button to the right to support the guys. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I hope you get to respond to this one.  I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and a few months.  I am 32 and he will be 40 next month.  He’s the first and only guy I “knew” and he was the one about 6-7 months into the relationship.  We’ve both had previous relationships.  I also made it clear in those first 6 months that I was not dating him to be his girlfriend forever.  He understood.  We knew we loved each other, so I thought everything was fine.  But then a year and half into our relationship, my sister had some marital problems which kind of prompted me to bring up marriage with him.  I mentioned, or asked, to try to confirm that he did want to get married and have kids.  He made some joke about how I couldn’t handle a kid because I’d drop it, since I’m so careless. I pressed it and he got very uncomfortable, and asked me where “all this” was coming from.  Then he went MIA on me for a week.

We talked the following week and he said how he shouldn’t have gone MIA but that he wasn’t on any timeline.  I said that was fine, since I thought that it was only a year and half into our relationship.  But then around the 2.5 year mark, I started to ask him when I would meet his parents and how I wanted to come over his place.  He was dealing with a very sick dad who passed away last year and basically took care of his parents, changed his dad, fed him, etc. you get the picture.  He always seemed so stressed over working (he has his own law practice) and caring for his dad, that I didn’t want to stress him out, so I didn’t push things like pressing him to get married. But after 2.5 years or so I really wanted to meet more than his best friend, who I didn’t even see regularly.

Anyway, when I asked if I could come over and help, his response was nice but was like, “Babe, my house is a circus between taking care of my dad and all, what would you do?”  I told him I could distract his mom and keep her company.  Then I asked that I would meet his parents right?  He said of course I would but the time just wasn’t right right now.

After 2.5 years whenever I brought up marriage, he got very uncomfortable.  Then his dad died in January last year and  I brought it up around June, asking again when I would meet his mom(not about marriage per se)and his response was like, “Babe, I’m depressed, I cant even think straight. How can I answer that?”  So last year, everything was about how depressed he was.  But my question is, “Can a death in the family prevent someone who wants to be with you to marry you?”  I mean, its always something or another it seems with him, yet he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and has run away from other relationships for lesser things so that the fact that he’s still here trying to work it out should show me how much he wants this to work.

Anyway, I almost broke up with him last November but he wouldn’t let me and said he would try harder.  I still haven’t met his mom formally, I ran into her at the mall with him and he introduced me to him, his brother and nieces, and his sister as a friend.  He says he wants things to be better before he introduces me to them formally but I told him I need him to do something to feel better, take some action to further the relationship not just wait it out hoping to feel better.

So he agreed to meet my sister and brother in law last week when they were in town for an hour.  The first half hour went fine, light talk, but he flipped out when my sister lightly asked, “So..what are your plans,” responding very defensively to her that that was our decision and he didn’t appreciate being interrogated.

Now he hasn’t called me in a week, even after I tried to call him down after that meeting and told him not to pull the MIA thing again.  And even after recognizing that his response was overblown and that I should be the one who was offended at the way he came across to my family.  Instead, I got a text from him saying how he was sorry he had not called but that he was “deeply troubled” and did not want to say something he regretted and that!
hopefully we could talk in a few days.

WTF? Deeply troubled because my sister asked about our future plans since we’ve been dating for 4 years?  Whats his deal?

G

Dear G,

Thanks for your question. To use your own words, we are deeply troubled by this.

We’re not sure even where to start, but how about with his father passing away. First of all our condolences.  Having to take care of a sick parent, and then having to watch them die, is very difficult. That’s a situation that could easily cause your boyfriend to be severely stressed, and depressed. Everyone reacts differently to these types of situations. Typically, people want to be consoled by the people they are closest to. Often these types of situations draw people closer together, not push them farther apart. However, some people need space to deal with their grief-like your boyfriend-and it’s important you honor that. It sounds like you have.

However, we don’t think that’s what’s going on here. We unfortunately agree with your assessment: There will always be something with this guy. And his reaction to your sister, and then his subsequent action-going MIA again-is telling. What does you sister think? What does she say?

It’s also telling that he hasn’t wanted to introduce you to his parents. Most people who are serious about their prospective partner want their partner to meet their family, if not for the simple reason of letting their family know they are serious about the relationship they are in. This is a red flag.

We know this is very hard. It’s obvious you love this man, but are you really getting what you need out of this emotionally? You keep asking him to give you some sort of sign that he’s committed for the long term and all you get are deflections. If after four years he’s still not sure, he probably will never be sure about your relationship and you.

Contrary to popular belief, guys can commit to a relationship. Usually we know right away how committed we want to be. It’s a combination of where we are in our lives, how comfortable we are with ourselves, and how attracted we are to the woman….plus a few other variables like does the woman get along with our friends, is she fun, is she smart, and is the sex good. Four years is a long time to be unsure, especially since neither of you are in your early twenties.

We hope this gets you thinking a bit. You have to keep talking to him. Communication is so important in a relationship. You are not being too pushy here. You deserve to know the truth. And if he can’t provide the answers you’re looking for, you’re going to have to make the decision to stay or go yourself.

Good luck. Don’t settle. You deserve to have someone who loves you and respects you the way you want to be loved and respected.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

Okay so there’s this guy at my school who I’ve known since second grade. We used to be best friends in elementary but now he’s just mean to me, stares, and comments rudely on almost everything I do. I’m not the only one who catches him staring at me because he does it a lot. Sometimes even the teacher will tease him about it. He also gets jealous when I talk to other guys, and so he interrupts. But he’s in a different social status than me, him being more popular than me, and being known as a jerk to most. But then people never really knew him like I did. I’m confused on whether he really likes me or not.

Jesse

Dear Jesse,

Thanks for writing.

Understanding the psyche of a high school boy is like trying to understand the weather. Thousands of meteorologists around the world try to predict the weather every day and they usually only get it right 50% of the time, and that’s if they’re good.

It is possible-and maybe likely-this old friend of yours likes you, but as far as we’re concerned it doesn’t matter. You need to take him at face value. He’s mean to you. He doesn’t treat you with respect. He’s immature, even for a young man, and he he’s got a lot of growing up to do.

It is possible-and likely-that he’ll learn as the years progress. He’ll hopefully have his share of hard knocks, and he’ll gain some perspective. And hopefully he’ll grow and evolve from these experiences.

But for now Jesse, he needs to marinade by himself. We’re sure there are plenty of very nice young men in your school. Start hanging out with them. And who knows, maybe your friend is a fast learner.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Why is the teacher commenting on the situation?

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From: “One of The Guys”

Tiger Woods is a scoundrel. That we can all agree upon. And if you’re not sure, just ask his wife Elin. She’ll sadly confirm this point.

Tiger has put himself in this position. He had it all. Fame. Talent. Money. Family. Now he has, himself and his one endorsement deal, Nike.

But why are we giving him so much power? Seriously, why!!??

You ready for this.

I used to root for Tiger. He’s a great golfer. No, he’s the best golfer in the world. It’s fun seeing someone from the younger generation try to surpass some of the legends of the past.

Guess what? I still root for him. Why you say? (Many of you might be bristling about this, but give a guy a chance please!)

Why do I still root for him? Because I don’t give Tiger that much power. He’s a golfer to me and that’s it. Just as other athletes are just that, athletes.

You might argue, “What about the kids of the world? We don’t want them rooting for someone who is such a bad guy!” That’s a valid point, but it actually supports my position, because we’re teaching our kids all wrong.

Confused?

Tiger learned from his Old Man. He learned the game of golf, but he also learned how to be an island. He learned how to take care of his own needs and put himself first. How else do you get to be the best player in the world? You have to be completely selfish. There is no other way! Being the best requires complete sacrifice and Tiger gladly did that. He sacrificed his family and the respect of the world to be the best. His dad taught him that because his dad was a selfish scoundrel too.

But in a very important way Tiger has it right. He looked up to his father and respected him. It’s not his fault that his dad was a terrible role model. He was a good son. And that’s what we should be teaching our kids. How to be respectful, attentive, generous, helpful, kind, sensitive, emphatic and curious  human beings.

Instead what are we creating? Entitled kids who walk around thinking they can have anything. And what they can’t have they take. It’s not their fault, they’re learning it from us, not Tiger Woods.

So we need to buckle down, stop pointing fingers at the likes of Tiger, and take some responsibility ourselves. We need to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We need to teach them how to be solid and caring people. We need to teach them that Tiger is an awesome golfer and that’s all, and not the person they should aspire to become.

And if we do all that, maybe one day we’ll hear our children say this, as they play make believe in the back yard.

Our kids as the announcer: The crowd is tense. It’s the 18th green of the Masters with the tournament on the line. If he sinks this putt he wins it all……(Pause) The stroke looks solid. The ball is rolling. Rolling. It’s. It’s. It’s good. It’s good!! He sinks it! Daddy sinks the putt to win his first major championship!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever hear those words, it will be music to my ears.

So now that you gave me a chance, what do you think? Where do you stand?