The Guy’s Perspective

Dear Guys,

This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.

Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.

But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.

I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).

We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..

Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…

D

Dear D,

Thanks for your question.

First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky  affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.

Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)

We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.

Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)

Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

© 2012  Charlotte Pescale “All Rights Reserved”

Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com

Start from the beginning:

Introduction

Chapter 1: Darryl

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 2 

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 3 (Relationship Memoirs Page)

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 4 (Relationship Memoirs Page)

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 5 (Relationship Memoirs Page)

________________________________

And now:

Introduction:

I’m Rebecca.

I’ve been around. Seen some things. Done more things. And spent most of my life in and out of relationships. The “in” part of relationships is great, but the “out” part, not so much. But with each failed relationship I’ve learned just a little bit more about men. How they think. What drives them. What they want. So much so that these days I feel myself experiencing a transformation of sorts, as if I’m a woman’s body trapped inside a guy’s mind.

Before you get the wrong idea let me clarify. This is not some pronouncement of my future plans for a transgenderism, if that’s the correct terminology. No, I have no plans to change my body to fit my newfound knowledge of men. I’m actually very happy with, and in, my body. In fact I love my body. Everything about it. And why not? Why wouldn’t I? I’ve got what every woman wants, and every guy craves: balanced proportions.

No, I’m nothing special. I’m not overly busty, I don’t have curves that cause traffic accidents, and there are no plans for me to be on the cover of any magazine, but since, like I mentioned before, I’ve learned a few things along the way, I know I have the goods. My body works, it fits together, so I’ve been told many times over.

You see, guys don’t have a particular type. They’re not necessarily searching for a blonde bombshell, a leggy brunette, a country barn redhead, or some sort of Asian faire, they all just want things to kind of add up, make sense, fit together. It’s difficult for me to tell you what that exactly looks like because every guy is different. I just know I’ve got it. And believe it or not, most women do. The problem is that balanced proportions are only great for a time. Because sooner or later guys start craving some other set of proportions, one that you will never possess, and that’s when things can sour quickly.

Men are hardwired that way—at least that’s what all those fancy books say. Okay fine. Maybe men do desire diversity and are hardwired to spread their genetic makeup as far and wide as their possibilities let them. But honestly, I say, maybe a lot of these guys are just assholes, and they use all the research, and data, and the books, as an easy excuse to cheat. (Much more on that later.)

Yes I’ve learned a few things along the way. Many of which I will share in the upcoming chapters. But the most important thing I’ve learned, even with all my failed attempts at intimacy, is something I need to share with all of you now. Even if you don’t read more than this introduction, at least you’ll leave with some kernel of insight. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, lean in a little closer. And if you do, you can nod your head in agreement. Here it is: If a guy is horny he’ll say anything, do anything, act nicer, be more compassionate, reach out to your friends, compliment your mother, and even suck up to your father to get what he wants. If he thinks there’s even a remote chance he might “get lucky,” he’ll be the perfect man. And it gets worse. This next comment is especially directed toward the young ladies out there who might be new to the dating world. If the only time your guy says “I love you” is during his heightened state of being when he’s just about to explode and scream out your name—unless of course he forgets where he is and screams out someone else’s name—then you’ve got yourself a serious problem. If that’s the case, it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge.

So you’d think by now that all this intimate knowledge would have put me on the path to finding true love—and a good man—but it hasn’t. The problem is, although my brain may be tapped into the male network, my heart is still all woman, which pretty much cancels out all the male insights I’ve picked up along the way. Sure, I might know more than some women do when it comes to men, but somehow I still act like I’m this helpless and desperate being when I fall in love. I’m  disgusted by it really, because I’m actually a very confident and smart woman. Sure, some of this helplessness is an act. (Men like for you to tell them how incredible they are, so I play along. Yeah, what a fucking joke that is.) But a lot of it isn’t. It’s just me being pitiful.

I guess my real problem is that I like men a little bit too much. I can’t get enough of them. And we all know this kind of all consuming need is a problem. It’s never good to like or need something too much. Just think about all the things that fall into this category and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Here’s what falls into that category for me: Pizza, ice cream, shoes, texting, coloring my hair, handbags, pedicures, and cold beer. The problem for me is that all of those things lead to expansion. A tummy that no longer fits in those new designer jeans. A larger credit card bill. And an endless collection of footwear that clutters up my closet. It just means more and more and more. But liking a guy has the opposite effect for me. It often leads to less. Less confidence. Less respect for myself. And usually one less guy, once he sniffs my thoughts of commitment in the air.

Because guys are wimps. They can’t handle shit. Once they see the first sign that they’re actually going to have to work a little at maintaining a relationship—a relationship that they themselves started—they’ve already got one foot out the door. And that’s when those lame words come out of their mouth like, “Why does this have to be serious?” “Can’t we just have some fun?” “I need my guy time too.” “Why do we have to talk about everything all of the time?” And finally. “It’s your problem not mine.” It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

Now that I understand men better I get where all these inane statements are coming from. Sure, it’s a lot more pleasant to just roll through life enjoying the good times. And sometimes there really is no need to talk about every piece of minutia ad nauseum. But I also know as women that we’re not actually asking men to talk. We’re just asking them to LISTEN! And maybe with that, nod their head every once in a while and pretend they’re interested. How fucking hard is that? I mean c’mon. Is that really that difficult? I don’t think so.

But I keep coming back for more because I like men a lot. They’re playful. They’re rugged. They’re handsome. They’re quirky.  They’re scary. They’re exciting. And the best part, they’re different from me. Ladies, don’t get me wrong. I love my girlfriends and all the good times we have together, but I’m not looking to expand my horizons, and pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m into men exclusively. Because to me, you either are into men or you’re not into men.

Sure, I appreciate beauty in whatever form it presents itself. And women are certainly beautiful creatures; but when I get that tingle, and want something hard between my legs I’m not looking for some rubber rabbit, or some pulsing piece of plastic. Shit I can do that stuff on my own. (Which I do plenty.) No, I’m looking for the real thing. And only men can supply that kind of heavenly hardware.

But sometimes I wonder if it would be easier, being with a woman. I mean I get women. They get me. I understand where they’re coming from. I get what makes them happy. I get what frustrates them. I know where those special spots are, and I know what to do with them. Jeez, it would be so much easier just to punt—there’s my guy brain talking again—and join the women’s club. It’s pretty much a sure thing. Good conversation. Good sex. Good times.

But when I really think about it, that sounds so boring. Because where’s the mystery? Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but I like that uneasy feeling of uncertainty. I like wondering: What’s he thinking? Where’s this going? Does he like me? Does he possibly love me? What does he mean when he says that? Does he mean what he says? Is he the one?

For me the mystery is the allure. Because a sure thing is all just fantasy. There are no guarantees in life. So why not go with the biggest mystery of all, a guy? And if it takes a lifetime to solve him who cares? At least it will be a life filled with intrigue and excitement. And great sex.

But I understand not everyone is like me. Some people aren’t that comfortable with a life of uncertainty. And so for those of you who want to know the “ins and outs” of relationships ahead of time, I figured I’d share my stories with you. That way maybe you can save yourself a few years and actually be able to have kids—if that’s what you want—before you have no choice but to use your ovaries to make wrinkled Christmas ornaments that you hang every year to remind yourself of all your regrets. Ouch.

So ladies—and men–these are my stories. My trials. My disappointments. My victories. My insights. My journey.  And maybe, just maybe, some of my foibles might help you figure out what’s going on with your relationship. Maybe as you read about my troubles you’ll recognize something familiar in them. And with that, you’ll gain some new understanding. That’s my hope at least.

So here we go. Try not to laugh too much. Because we’ve all made mistakes haven’t we? Okay, maybe I’m the person who skews the average a bit, but hey, I’m a slow learner. And cut me some slack. It’s taken a long time to start thinking like a guy, especially when my heart flutters like a butterfly every time I smell the possibility of new love in the air.

From THE GUYS: Please leave Charlotte a comment. And let your friends know about her. And us. Thanks!

“Women and Sex” by Isabel Kane

Women want sex as much or more than men do.  Yes, I know I am spitting in the face of common wisdom but I know this to be true and here’s why. 1. I am a woman who has experienced this over and over and over… and 2. My female friends report the same phenomena.

I first noticed this in my own relationships, but just assumed it was me. Then the subject started to creep in when my female friends and I would talk about men and relationships. The majority of them had the same feelings; women want more sex, and their men were being coy. Curious now, I started to pose the question to both men and women.  “Do you think women want sex as much or more than men?” Men; “No.” “That hasn’t been my experience.” Women; “Of course.” “Yup.”

The men were reticent, no elaboration was forthcoming, but the women! “He tells me he’s tired.” “He doesn’t like it when I make the first move.” “He gets mad if I try to seduce  him too often.” “He asked me why I like sex so much.” “Why do you think I have two men in my life?”(Seriously, the last two statements are actually true).

So what exactly is happening here? Is the stereotype wrong? Are sexual relationships between women and men changing? Is there something in the water? Now, to be fair, this doesn’t apply to all women and all men; I am (unscientifically) tracking an apparently growing phenomenon here, stay with me.

I started to look for commonalities in the women who were telling me this.  Most were comfortable with their sexuality, confident, and had a certain, ahem, level of experience sexually. And all were in committed, loving relationships (even if there are two men).   Women want sex, but still need the emotional connection; we are still women, after all,  that hasn’t changed.

But could it be that in reality men are threatened by a woman who knows what she wants in bed, isn’t afraid to ask for it from the man she loves, and wants lots of it? Is it a control issue? A fear of poor performance? Perhaps the belief that men want more sex than women was born in the same place as the myth of prince charming, soul mates, and “you complete me” doody. And we all know how dangerous those particular illusions can be in a relationship.

Maybe the stereotypes are  wrong, maybe men want the right to tell their woman they are tired or just not in the mood sometimes without being thought of as “unmanly.” Maybe women do want sex as much or more than men but don’t want to be rejected by the men they love. I really don’t know, but the women of the world are looking for real answers here. So come on, men, help us out, go beyond the stereotype and tell us what’s happening here. Because the truth is, we LOVE our men, we LOVE having sex with our men. And we want more.

Isabel Kane is a freelance writer.

Please leave a comment and join the conversation. What’s your opinion? Tell us about your experience with this subject.  

Note from THE GUYS: This truly is private talk, which means this essay goes beyond our usual PG/PG-13 rating on this site. You were “warned.” Enjoy!

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“PRIVATE TALK” by Sabrina Jennings

Men are fascinating creatures.  I’ve been trying to ‘figure’ them out, or at least do my best at understanding their mentality for years.  I’m aware that I will never be absolute with that accomplishment since I am never going to be one myself, but I like to pat myself on the back for being pretty damn insightful regardless.

I slowly built close friendships with the opposite sex as a young teen, and thankfully blossomed into a tell-it-like-it-is smart ass by the time my high school diploma was in grasp. Now, I am sure to relate to any gentlemen I meet my honesty policy; I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not, because if any woman is going to be truthful about what you’re doing is wrong/stupid/etc, it’s going to be me. Life is too damn short to let things slide that shouldn’t. Don’t confuse me with being a Manhater, I’ve been called that more times than I can count. Even one of my greatest, longtime friends Caleb referred to me as a bitch when he first met me. My sharp tongue can get under the nerves easier than most, I get it. But if I hated men like some assume, I wouldn’t bother dating, sleeping, or making friends with any of ‘em.

Duh.

I write about the unacceptable behaviors of men I encounter not the man himself, there is a difference. I am up front about what I write for a living, and it is solely the guys’ choice to continue seeing me or not.  All he has to do is not do any act deemed asshole worthy that I would bring to others attention/warn other women about, and he’ll be solid.  Surprisingly to the majority I’ve warned, they still haven’t grasped the concept and act out as tools anyway. Not my fault. I am free to write and speak the truth as I mull through my dating journey to find my lobster (old F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference here).

With that set in place, being around testosterone enough as I have, it has been easy to pick up on mans’ greatest topic of joy that duplicates as his biggest insecurity; his penis. A guy simply can’t tell one  joke and let it lie, he’s got to build a vocabulary world around his dick, and usually just to compete with other males around him for best junk of all. It’s amusing to me that they seem to have this idea that a woman will care as much as they do. Yoko Ono once said, “I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.” Not to be the killjoy of every mans’ hopes and dreams here, but Yoko had a point. Why bring attention to something out of your physical control? Women do not see your package the way you do at all. In order to shed some light on the subject, I’m going to address the key points that men seem to continue getting wrong or have confused beliefs in….

The Look and Size

You’re all so sure that a woman wants her man to be packing a third leg in order to be satisfied.  Um, no. Statistics have shown that the erect penis size of most men — 68 percent — is between 4.6 and 6 inches long. About 16 percent of men have an erect penis size longer than 6.1 inches, and of those only 2.5 percent are over 6.9 inches. The rest of the group are the shorties that every man fears being part of. So rest assured, all of you guys who insist that you’re bigger than your counterpart, the odds are against you, and women already know that. It’s not even an appealing part of the body to look at. Sorry, but that’s the truth, even if you’re wrestling with anaconda stature down there, we don’t see your offering as an attractive piece at all. We enjoy what it feels like, and that’s only if you know how to work with what you’ve got. Length to regular standards is just fine, girth can really be helpful if you come up short in that arena, and too little/too big are gravely disappointing. How can too big be disappointing? A woman doesn’t want to feel like her insides are getting pummeled fight club style every time you get busy, and she sure as hell doesn’t want to endure the uncomfortable gag/choking reflex when oral sex comes into play, which brings me to point number two….

Fellatio Boundaries

What happens when a guy spends countless hours over the years watching smutty porn as example of what to expect in the real world? He will bring it to the bedroom and cause quite the humorous commotion with the lady in question. Girls in porn are acting, everyone knows that, but in order for men to get off from it, they convince themselves that she means every moan and groan, and the way oral is portrayed is how all women do it. The idea is so laughable that I can’t stand it!  Remember what I said about your staff not being pretty? Privates on both sexes are not eye candy, so the eagerness to get our mouths all over it that the C class of Hollywood wants you to believe is a joke.  Like I explained to one of my guy friends the other day who I had a penis conversation with that inspired this post, a woman can truly enjoy satisfying her mans’ member with her mouth, but only if the love she has for him is real. There are women who will fake it like Jenna Jameson because they think they have to in order to win over a new guy, and there are women who simply won’t go there for personal hygienic reasons. Life is a crap shoot when it comes to sexual compatibility. You can’t ever expect it’s alright to unleash your tonsil tickler in a forceful face-fuck manner either without discussing your desire to first. That’s a move way too many men make the mistake of doing.  Just like….

Backdoor Surprise

The taboo talk of anal sex is bound to be addressed in most relationships. Every man has heard the positives of it being a tighter destination for his meat to travel (which is true, because it’s mainly used as an exit and rarely sees entry, duh), and most will sweet talk/convince/plea with their woman to allow them to try it at least once. Women who have yet to cross into that realm have thought about it as well….just like the women who find it just as enjoyable as vaginal penetration, and the women who find it to be one of the most disgusting and painful experiences they have ever endured. Just like with the rules of fellatio, there are stipulations when it comes to dancing the chocolate cha cha. You can never just ‘slip it in by accident’ (why men think this lame fake excuse will always fly is beyond me), there must always be a great deal of lubrication (not spit, Vaseline, or whatever crazy sub you have on hand because you’re that desperate to get it), and you’ve got to take it slow. My counter to being asked for taking part in this act has often been, “I will accept, as long as you take it too.” Maybe it’s a cheap shot since most men want to give and not receive in this arena, but one guy did oblige, so you try and tell me that it’s not a big deal. It can be pleasurable, or it can be a hot, uncomfortable mess.  It all comes down to who you’re partaking in the act with.

Cell Phone/Online Penis Spreads

Who was the woman to first receive a mans’ dick via text or online messaging and told them it was scrumptious? Why do men think that taking the time to lose the pants and give their ween its’ own photo shoot in the best lighting (you hope) will have the ladies come running like dogs in heat? Do you know the vulnerable state you put yourselves in by making such a ridiculous choice? You run the risk of her not only laughing at the media received, it also gives her the ability to forward Mr. Winky to anyone on her phones contact list, or on the internet to be a permanent addition to a Penis Fail forum.  Yes, men love a woman who will dish out a topless picture for their own personal viewing.  Boobies are fun. Why a guy will think we want the favor returned with a dickshot is confusing at best. I have never been in favor of this presumptuous act, and I am positive in saying that most, if not all women agree with me on this one. It’s pervy and unnecessary at best. If you want to keep your dignity in check, refrain from making the dreaded decision of sharing your wanker with the world.  All it takes is one woman appalled or scorned, and you’re screwed.

Sabrina Jennings contributes work and advice here: http://www.yourtango.com/users/sabrinajennings Twitter: @SoSabby

Next Up:

Private Talk by Sabrina Jennings

Women and Sex by Isabel

“The expectations of Valentine’s Day from a Guy’s Perspective” by Saelen Ghose  Twitter: @saelenghose 

I’m not a fan of expectations. Because I know that expectations are always accompanied by inevitable disappointment. And for me, Valentine’s Day falls clearly into the camp of expectations, a place where I know I can’t win. In fact for guys in general, there’s no winning on the day of the cupid, because there will always be some guy who just has to up the ante and fly his partner for a special night in NYC, or to some tropical isle, or pull out all the stops with rose petals and bubble massages, or organic chocolate instead of the kind you get at the local pharmacy. And then there’s always the guy who just has to propose on this day with a diamond the size of one of Mike Tyson’s gold teeth. But the worst part about the day is that I don’t like being “told” what to do, or made to feel that February 14th is a day of special significance above all others, a day where I show my undying love with the rest of the card carrying schmucks, husbands, and boyfriends who buy into the whole charade.

But I try. And I guess I must get points for that, because my wife always seems content with whatever I do, which really is pretty basic. Flowers. Chocolate. Her favorite take out food. Or a night out at our favorite restaurant—using coupons of course. And if we still have enough energy after putting the kids to bed, maybe a little rendezvous in the hay.

But the thing is, we can do that on any day. February 17th, April 12th, July 1st, September 22 are no different for us than February 14rth. And on days when there are no expectations anything can happen. It’s on those days—tabala rasa—where the real magic happens. An afternoon playing hooky from work to take a long walk in the woods can lead to a quiet appreciation of your partner. A friday night in the cheap hotel a mile from the house might just bring out a side in you, or better still, a side of your partner you only hoped was there. (As long as you can get the grandparents to babysit.) A surprise lunch at work perhaps shows your partner that you’re thinking of her beyond the bedroom. And a “Get out of Parenting” card where your partner can sit around and watch her favorite shows while you do the nighttime kid routine can lead to the other “Nighttime Routine.” (Except this time it’s not routine.)

And frankly, I perform much better when I don’t have the eyes of the world watching my back; and when I don’t have to compare tales by the water cooler the next day, like I compare summer vacations with other parents while attending Back to School Night and other fall functions. Somehow my “little” trip to California or Cape Cod—which I thought was amazing, and actually was—always seems to get dwarfed by somebody’s trip to the vineyards of France or the ancient ruins of Greece or the aquatic wonderland of the Bahamas or the rainforests of Belize. And then I’m left wondering if I even had a good time?

So I propose we change the focus of Valentine’s Day to the one day where we get to take a break from being romantic. Let’s just do the opposite as George Castanza said in the famous episode of Seinfeld. I say it should be a day where we all get to be selfish and irresponsible. It should be a day where we get to give the world “the bird.” A day where we can choose to do nothing or everything, with whomever we want or don’t want.

Because I believe that every day has the potential to be memorable and unique. Every day provides us the opportunity to be creative and show the people who are close to us how much we love them. And to me, saying “I love you” on a cold, random day in November is just as good, if not better, than giving flowers and chocolate on that “Go To” day in February.

But don’t worry, I’m too responsible to buck the trend completely. So I’ll have chocolates and flowers in tow as I do my best to follow the pack and conform. Because I do love my wife, and I also know if I ignore the day, she’ll have nothing to offer the next day in the powder room as her co-workers and friends talk about their amazing Valentine’s nights. And any reasonably intelligent guy knows that this is really what Valentine’s Day is all about.

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

Showing too much love to my sister

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Military relationship: What do I do?

How to ask about sex? 

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with Conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Today we will be answering three short questions.

Question 1: 

Dear Guys,

I’m 15 and have been talking to a guy for awhile and we’ve both realized that we have romantic feelings for each other and that we would like to date. But he’s 18 so that’s not exactly possible yet.

He asked me to classify our relationship, so I said friends. This resulted in him saying that he felt like an idiot. Then he became depressed and distant for a few days. It’s clear that we can’t actually be together yet so I don’t know how else I would classify our relationship, or how to continue forward without getting overly involved for my age. How do I deal with the possibility of either of us getting involved with someone else and the jealousy involved in that?

Advice please?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question. It’s nice to see that you have a good head on your shoulders.

You’re right. The two of you should only be friends right now, until you’re of age. At that point a three year difference won’t be that big of a deal, although there’s still quite a divide between a freshman in college and a senior, but nothing like a freshman in high school and a senior in high school.

So what do you do until then?

What’s going to happen is—if he’s anything like the young guys around here—he’s going to start to pressure you subtly to start dating, or even to have a physical relationship with him. This doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy, it just means he’s a young man and he’s attracted to you. But this is not a good idea for you; if this does happen you need to set clear boundaries. Remember, guys aren’t so interested in being friends with women they would really rather date. Have you seen “Harry met Sally?” It’s an oldie but goodie, with a classic conversation at a restaurant about this topic.

We’d say the only thing you should do is keep in touch casually on Facebook, Twitter, or email. Just keep on each other’s radar. (We know that’s going to be hard.) But we wouldn’t get into phone calls, texting, etc. That’s going to be too intimate.

Believe us, even though he might start dating another girl, you’ll always be on his radar. We’re not saying he won’t fall in love with someone else in the meantime, but whenever he’s single again you’ll be the first person he thinks of.

Finally, we think you should do all the things a 15 year-old girl does now, and not wait around for this guy. However, if sometime down the road (years), the spark is still there, well then you’ll be better equipped to deal with an older guy.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Question 2:

Dear Guys,

My BFF has a boyfriend named (anonymous). He is soo sweet and they have been dating a while. But he confessed his love for me today, but said he loves my BFF too.

To be honest I like him too. But I also don’t wanna hurt my friend’s feelings.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

What do you do? You do nothing. Your best friend comes first. Even after they break up you should stay away from this guy. Otherwise you’ll be faced with a decision: Date this boy or have your best friend.

Also keep in mind that you’re young. And even if you decided to date this boy, it’s likely you’d break up soon after. Then you’d be left with neither this boy or you best friend.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

pss. As per your other question: Progressing your relationship in a nonsexual way? That seems like a covert way of saying your boyfriend wants to by physical with you without actually defining it as sex.

Question 3: 

Hi Guys,

My guy really wants to do it doggie style, and so do I, but I have a bit of keratosis pilaris (bumps)  (for our readers) on my butt and I don’t really want him staring at that.

Do you think this is going to be a huge turn off for him or am I overreacting?

Thanks!

Cait xx

Dear Cait,

Thanks for your question. Let’s put it this way, we don’t know a lot of guys that would care.

Is your guy a sensitive person? Could you talk to him about this? (You don’t mention your age so we don’t have a sense of how serious your relationship is. We’re assuming you’re old enough to have sex and so you’re in a committed relationship.) Anyway, if he loves you he definitely won’t care. And believe us, if he’s been anticipating this for a while, a few bumps on your butt will be the last thing on his mind. In fact, during your session, his mind will be on hiatus anyway. (And his vision will be blurry.)

Hope this helps.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Dear Readers,

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion, Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Military relationship: What do I do?

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I have this guy friend, and we’ve been friends for about 5 years now. Over the course of the 5 years I’ve always had a little crush on him. He’s always been flirty with me but I never thought anything of it because I was unsure if he was just a flirty guy, or if he liked me. I just assumed he was a flirty guy to spare my feelings.

Well, up until now we’ve never been single at the same time. He sent me a text the other day basically asking if I wanted to add sex into our friendship. While I am all for having “no strings attached sex” I am a little confused as to why he would ask ME for that. He knows other women, so why bother asking me? We have conflicting schedules with work so the likelihood of us really having sex often is slim.

Is this his way of trying to get closer to me? Thanks for the advice!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Your friend asked you for sex because feels comfortable with you, and he knows you well enough to know it will be an easy arrangement with no drama. However, this does not mean we (THE GUYS) think this is a good idea. In fact the first thing that came to our minds when we read your question was: be careful and proceed with caution.

His proposal almost sounds like a business proposal to us; except that a physical relationship with someone, especially a long time friend, is ripe for disaster. And since it sounds like you have actual romantic feelings for him, this could get confusing pretty quickly. Let’s be clear Sarah: He isn’t trying to begin an actual relationship with you that might progress towards something serious; he’s asking you for sex. The two couldn’t be more different. Sure, this does mean he’s attracted to you—although guys will have sex when they can get sex— but it also says something else is missing for him, otherwise he might actually be asking you out on a date.

Only you will know if you feel comfortable and strong enough to go forward with this arrangement. It’s your decision obviously. But please think long and hard before you embark on a path that you’ll never be able to reverse.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Dear Readers,

Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.

Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)

THE GUYS

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Showing too much love to my sister

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Military relationship: What do I do?

Dear Guys,

Thank you so much for still being here to answer questions! I would love to donate just in general, but I am not able to right now, so whenever you are able to answer will be fine; this is not an emergency. What I need advice on seems like a very touchy issue: How to ask about sex?

I’ve been in a long term relationship—15 years— and our sex life has been fairly consistent with the normal ups and downs. I would be available for it every day if we could, but he has a lot of stress in his work, etc. I have never pushed the issue, but have tried being the one to initiate on occasion, but he’s never responded to that, so I just wait for him, and always let him know how much I enjoy those moments.

However, as of late—meaning the last couple of years—it has become almost a rare event, weeks or months between. And when we do have sex, it’s pretty much just get it done sort of thing, maybe 2-3 minutes. I know he takes Cialis because I came across the bottle about 3 years ago, but he hasn’t said anything about it; and it hasn’t increased anything about our sex life, although he continues to use it. And yes, I am certain he is not seeing anyone else.

I wanted to communicate about the issue, but not sure how to approach it without it offending him or hurting his feelings, as he definitely has that male ego thing. I know there are times that his back is hurting, or other things, but none of those mattered in previous years, and I have offered different positions to help. I know he’s older now, 67, and I’m 52, but I’ve also read so many articles on the importance of maintaining a good sex life from a health perspective as well as for the relationship. And there are times in the morning when he will apologize out of nowhere that he’s sorry he wasn’t feeling up to making love to me, even though it hadn’t been an issue the previous night, so he does seem to be aware of the problem. What would you suggest as the best approach to communicating on this issue, while not wanting to hurt or offend him? Thank you in advance.

CJ

Dear CJ,

Thanks for your question. And no worries on the donation. We still try to answer as many questions as we can, regardless of whether or not a question is accompanied by a donation. (It just takes longer.) Some people give donations because their questions are pressing.

Anyway, you bring up a sensitive topic, especially for guys. As soon as we reach puberty, one of our defining qualities is our overwhelming interest in sex. We do have other interests and goals, but what’s common to all men is how much we think about women and sex. It truly is every 7 seconds, and on some days more.

So you can imagine how a guy might feel when his drive begins to wane. Sure some guys see it as a natural progression, part of entering a new phase of life. But others see it as unsettling at best, possibly embarrassing, and at worst, threatening to their identity as a man. We don’t know exactly where your guy falls into this spectrum but he’s definitely dealing with some of these emotions. So you’re right to tread lightly here.

One other piece of this that strikes us, is your continued, and strong interest in sex. From our experience, a guy’s waning interest in sex often coincides with his partner’s diminishing interest. And it seems to us that this is where your issue lies? You still have a strong desire to be physical—you said you could do it daily—and his libido and  testosterone levels are diminishing. So the goal here is to meet somewhere in the middle, where you will both be happy and satisfied.

You don’t actually mention the frequency of your “sessions” but keep in mind that not many couples have sex daily after being together for a while. In fact it’s hard to say what the average is because the range varies so much.(You can find statistics all over the web. You might be surprised at the frequency, or we should say, lack of frequency of the average couple.) So, for you and your guy, anything regular would be a good place to start. This could be once once a week, once every two weeks, or some other agreed upon interval.

Your instincts are dead on here CJ. There is no easy way to bring this up. He already is in pain over it, so the minute you bring it up he’s going to feel like you’re attacking him, even if you’re not. (He’s already beating himself up over this, and you know this.) So the first order of business is to tell him how much you love him, and how much you’re attracted to him as a man. In fact, the best course of action is to slowly introduce the conversation over the course of many shorter conversations spanning many sessions, instead of having one big “sit down” where you air all your feelings. Maybe begin the conversation after a particularly, or relatively good session. Maybe tell him how great the sex was, and how much you enjoyed being with him, and then ask him what might have been different about that particular day, or time of day, to make him that much more interested. Gauge your follow up comment, or question, by what his response to you is. The good news is you have time. You don’t sound like you’re going anywhere no matter what happens, so this “conversation” can happen over the course of many months, or even longer.

We don’t recommend having a big “talk” because you’re more likely to shut him down. Get him talking when he feels good about himself and the sex. You might be surprised that once the floodgates open he will actually be relieved to start talking about it. And if the conversation feels positive, then also express how you’re feeling—in doses. But remember, we can’t say when exactly you should interject your feelings, issues, needs. That’s up to you. You’ll just have to feel when the time is right. We imagine there will be times where you just listen to him talk. Once you get the conversation going by introducing the topic into your pallete of conversation, you might find that things will begin to change. And at worst, you’ll at least have a better sense of what he’s going through and what to expect out of him. The issue could truly be just about sex, but it also could be something else beneath the surface.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Dating an older guy: What are we?

If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

This guy’s actions are confusing

Showing too much love to my sister

Dear Guys,

I’m 26 and my boyfriend of three years is 23. He is a great guy and we get along great. We have a house together and a life. Everything between us is 50/50. I don’t really have a lot of time to hang out with friends and to be honest I have lost touch with most of my friends over the last few years. Mainly we hang out with his friends which I consider to be my friends as well.

Lately I have been having real issues with his mouth when he is drinking, and hanging out with his buddies. The guys are all between 21-27 years old. They all love to talk about boobs! It does not seem to matter to them that there are girls around, they just talk about how great boobs are and also talk about other girls too. I didn’t let it bother me too much because I know boys will be boys but it started to really get to me when he was drunk one night and started talking about having sex with one of my friends. (Of course he said with me there too.) He was listing my friends and telling me to ask them if they were interested. He said, “I could tell that she wanted me.” He was not kidding around either. He said to me, “What? Do you expect that I won’t ever have sex with anyone else?”

Anyway the next day I didn’t even bring it up because I was sure he would not even remember. To be honest this is a BIG reason I don’t bring my friends around. I’m afraid to give him ANY opportunity to screw around on me! I have a hard time trusting and so does he. The other night while we were drinking and talking we were trying to figure out who could go with us to Cedar Point next week. I asked my 25 year old cousin to go with us. (Female) She said that she would and when I told the guys including my boyfriend, he asked me how big her boobs were!! I was so upset. He says it like it’s no big deal. It makes me feel like crap, and he always asks why I never invite my friends over or anything? Yeah I wonder why?!?! If I did, he’d be thinking of sleeping with them.

How do I bring this up to him without making myself feel worse? He is so young at times that he is hard to talk to. I know most of it is drunk talk, but its sticks with me all the time, and not just when we have a few drinks. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m jealous, or just not trusting, or crazy, or overreacting! What do I do? I feel a rage coming on with this and I think one day I’m gonna snap when he is acting like this and make an ass of myself in front of people.

Brandy

Dear Brandy,

Thanks for writing to us. We’re glad you asked us this question. A lot of our readers will be interested in this topic; and it’s a question we don’t get often because it’s not easy to talk about.

Sure your boyfriend at 23 is young, but that’s no excuse for treating you with such disrespect. Sure he drinks, but that’s still no excuse for discussing his fantasy threesomes with you. In fact we can’t see any excuse for his behavior.

You’ve been worried that maybe you’re overreacting, 0r overly jealous, or maybe crazy. Here’s a good test. How would he feel if you were sizing up the guys in the room and discussing it with him? How would he like it if you said you didn’t plan on being faithful to him? We don’t think he’d be too thrilled, especially since you mention he has trust issues. So we can see why you’re not either.

So how do you solve this problem? Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with him, telling him how his words and actions make you feel? Have you talked to him about what you need out of the relationship? If you haven’t, you need to soon. It might help, or it might not, but you need to do this in private before you snap in public.

What’s painfully clear to us is: He doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. Because a person who is committed to another person doesn’t talk about being with other people. Please don’t make excuses for him, or you’re going to find yourself feeling more and more frustrated. And that frustration will soon swell to anger and resentment.

So why are you trying so hard to make it work with this guy? Maybe you love him, but what are you getting from him? You deserve to be with someone who is faithful, loving, and respectful. You should be able to trust the man you’re with. You shouldn’t settle for anything less. And we’re just not sure he’s ready to be in a relationship at this point in his life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

I have lived in a shared house for a while now, and recently my house mates have changed—one of them being a man age 28.

We hit it off pretty well and like the same things. The mixed signal part is that when he’s busy drinking, and getting slightly drunk, he’s very flirtatious, and we’ve ended up having sex twice now. But only when he’s in that state; otherwise he doesn’t approach me, apart from in a house mate fashion.

I’m confused as to what that means. Please help!

Deliah

Dear Deliah,

Thanks for your question.

This is actually pretty straightforward. His actions are telling you the answer. When he’s drunk he’s interested in having sex with you, and when he’s sober he reverts back to a business relationship with you.

If you want to view this in hopeful terms you could paint him as a shy guy who needs a little drink to help him come out of his shell. But more likely the alcohol makes him feel randy, and since you are present, available, and willing, he pursues you for sex. We’re not saying he would have sex with anyone who happened to be standing there, but alcohol certainly makes everyone and everything seem attractive.

Our advice is don’t succumb to his advances when he’s been drinking. In fact, you might want to remove yourself from the situation. Either go to your room, or even better, leave the house and go out with friends or something. If this is too difficult, you might want to think about finding some new housemates, or even possibly, a new house to live in.

Even nice guys want sex as much as possible. All guys are wired that way. And when an opportunity presents itself like the one you’re describing, many a guy would seize the moment. It’s easy and fun. We’re not saying it’s right, just that it is. So we hope for the next time you understand that if you’re in a relationship that’s only about sex, it’s more than likely it will always be just about sex.

We wish you the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Feel free to leave us a follow up comment or question.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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Dear Guys,

I have two dilemmas.

1st Dilemma.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a couple months now. We both have busy and somewhat opposite schedules, so we end up hanging out late at night or at the end/beginning of our shifts.We see each other once, maybe twice tops a week. We’ve gone on dates and hooked up but have never spent the night at each other’s places. It could be 3 am but he will always go home or drive me home because he has to work early, which I understand. (Usually people in a relationship  just sleep over.) When I date someone I am used to talking to them regularly and having a normal routine so to speak. We don’t.

2nd Dilemma:
I am really bad at communicating my feelings face-to-face and tend to bottle them in my head and I get easily frustrated and can get crazy girl mode on him. I feel badly because he always gives me the opportunity to express myself when we’re together but I freeze up and can never think of what I want to say on the spot.

Please help me get over this “relationship” & “communication” anxiety.

Am I just wasting my time with this guy??

Janice

Dear Janice,

Thanks for your question.

So when you say you freeze up, is this after he expresses how he feels about you? Or do you want to tell him how you feel but are afraid to because you’re not sure how he feels? The two are very different.

Lots of people are scared about communicating their feelings. It’s normal. So don’t be so hard on yourself. If he was continually telling you he cares for you, we can’t see any reason you wouldn’t tell him how you feel about him. But if he’s being closed, and not communicating his feelings, it totally makes sense for you to be bottled up and not want to reveal your true feelings. Sometimes that feeling of anxiety has more to do with the overall situation than it has to do with the individuals involved. And in your case, we think the uncertainty of the relationship is contributing to your anxiety.

Here’s your real dilemma: One of you is going to have to take the risk and talk about this. Otherwise you’re going to be in this perpetual state of limbo, where you see each other late at night, hook up, but never see the light of day together like “normal” couples do. We understand your work schedules don’t jive, but if this goes on the way it’s going, what you’re really describing is a booty call situation, where he’s kind of getting what he wants, but you’re not. And we’re pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for with this man.

We don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to bring up the topic. You don’t necessarily have to reveal how you feel if you’re not comfortable doing that, but you could make a joke and ask him if you’re ever going to see him during the day, and maybe go out on a proper date. It’s possibly he just needs some prompting in order for him to move forward.

If it turns out he’s not interested in anything more than what’s going on now, at least you’ll have all the information you need in order to make an informed decision about what you ultimately want.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (In the comments section) And be sure to let your friends know about us.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

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Getting back together: Is it possible?

Guys,

The guy I was dating got divorced 2-3 yrs ago after his wife cheated on him. We started hanging out last summer with mutual friends. It was obvious there was a connection but it was acknowledged that we were on two different pages (He didn’t want a relationship and I did. I’m a relationship girl). We went on like this for four months, enjoying hanging out as friends and having a blast.

Then all of a sudden he started texting and wanting to hang out without the mutual friends. I was wary at first because I did really like him and wanted to hang out, but didn’t want him to get the impression that I was fine with a casual relationship because I wasn’t. We hung out on our own for a couple of weeks and then he asked me what I wanted and I said, “A relationship.” And he then said he wanted the same. So we became a couple.

The whole time we were dating he would say things like he thought we were made for each other and that we were soul mates. We are so freakishly alike even down to the weird way we eat certain foods. He even admitted that he was building his house and barn for me. We became super close. I actually thought he was the one. I never used to believe it when people would say ‘you know when you know,’ but it instantly hit me. I actually could see a life together with him. No hesitation whatsoever. Since he went through the divorce he now has some trust issues but not really with me; but it was obvious they were there.

After several months of dating, we had a little fight at a bar and I left without him as he said he wasn’t ready to leave. The next day he showed up at my house wanting to talk and confessed that he had his old Booty Call take him home. But he swears nothing happened; she just dropped him off. I said I needed some time to digest it all and the next day we talked and he said that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet he continued to call and text me as he did when we were dating. Every other weekend when he didn’t have his daughter we spent together even during the week.

It was like nothing changed but our titles. I know what you are going to say, he was just hanging around for the sex. Well, here’s the kicker: we never had sex the whole time we were dating. His excuse started out as he was too drunk then it turned into that sex complicates relationships and takes relationships to another level. Duh! That’s what relationships do; they progress forward. I ended up walking away as I could not continue to put myself through the emotional turmoil. Now he is trying to put some of the blame for the end of the relationship on me when I feel he should take full blame for dicking me over. He changed the rules in the middle of the game. I was honest about what I wanted from the beginning and I feel like he broke his word. I feel like he never intended for this to really go all the way. I’m not naive enough to know that if he wanted to be with me he would. I just want to know what was going through his mind to do this. And I’ll point out that we aren’t young—20 somethings. We are in our mid-30s. This whole ordeal has sent me for a loop and I can’t stop obsessing over it.

So Guys give me the low down please!

Casey

Dear Casey,

Thanks for your question.

We can see the two of you had a real nice connection. And maybe if circumstances were different—he hadn’t been cheated on by his ex—things would have played out differently. But the first true test of any relationship is that initial argument or fight. That’s when you find out how committed each person is. In your case your guy realized he didn’t want to deal with anything other than smooth sailing and good times. We’re not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

But as you know, conflict is part of every relationship, and we think it’s not a bad thing at all. It often helps bring people closer together, because fights are honest; they expose true feelings, and they help couples get down to the nitty gritty. Your guy has been wounded, and it seems like now he doesn’t want to deal with anything other than fun. Here’s our take: He initially didn’t want to be in a relationship as he stated to you. But then once he got to know you and the two of you connected well on so many levels he thought to himself, “Maybe I can be in a relationship with this woman. She’s totally cool and totally different.” However, as soon as you had your first fight, he was reminded again that relationships, no matter whom you’re with, take work. And he wasn’t ready to do the work required to move forward.

We can understand his position, but we can also understand why you’re upset and confused. He took you for a little emotional ride and it doesn’t feel good. Yes, he should have been clearer with you AND with himself, but our sense is, he truly thought he could give it a go, and then realized he couldn’t. Our biggest issue with him, and a huge red flag for you, is the fact that he went home with his former Booty Call as soon as he had the least bit of conflict with you. That should tell you his state of mind, and should tell you he’s far from ready to commit to someone. We’re not saying he cheated on you, we’re saying she’s his default woman because his relationship with her is clear and uncomplicated.

No, he shouldn’t be putting the blame on you, but at the same time you need to stop obsessing over who’s to blame here. The most important thing you can do is chalk this up to experience, as hard as that may be, and move on. Assigning blame is only going to hinder your healing and keep you closed to the next person you meet.

Our advice? If you truly want to put this behind you, we would suggest not hanging out with him, talking to him, or having any sort of communication with him. Hang in there Casey.

THE GUYS

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for your questions. Please use the form above to ask a question. Remember, if you have a pressing question that needs answering soon, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Read above for details) This will move your question to the top of the line. (Answered within 1-3 days) Otherwise your question will go into the general queue which has a 3-5 week delay right now.

For those of you who have donated, thank you. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

THE GUYS

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

Hi Guys !!!

Almost 4 years ago I met this guy who was eight years younger than me at a club. And I did what I had never done before; I took him home. I only wanted it to be a one night stand and nothing else, but I gave him my number and he called the next day. He wanted to take me out, but I preferred hanging out at my place. The age difference really bothered me; eight years is a lot. We talked a lot and saw each other often and I started to like him more. But then he started it to call less, ignoring my calls and messages. I would say we should go out and he would agree but then some last minute thing would come up.

His nights to hang out with me were starting later and later until he only called late at night. I resisted that and there were a lot of fights. He told me that he was sorry for the late night booty calls, and I should just ignore them if I didn’t want that. But I wouldn’t. I would answer the phone every time and lots of times I wouldn’t let him come over but most times I did. I told him that I would not be his booty call and finally ended it. But then after a few months he would call again. The fights began again with me nagging and demanding more of him. He would say he didn’t want a girlfriend, so I started to see other guys and I even broke it off with this guy for four months.

But then I called him again just as a friend and learned that he lost his phone and all contacts. And not long after that he called again. It was good for a while but I wasn’t nagging and demanding. But once I started again he would be more distant and give me less and less of his time and affection. But then I liked him more and more.

This back and forth has gone on for a while. Sometimes he shows affection and sometimes he’s very cold. After he’s distant for a while, he’ll call out of the blue, and then he comes over and we have sex. Then he started to open up to me more about his family and friends, but soon after that he started giving me mixed signals again. Finally I just said forget it after years of ups and downs.

It was truly over for me and I really thought that I would never again hear from him.  But then he called the very same weekend @ 1 am and he wanted to come over to make it up to me. I didn’t answer any of his texts or phone calls but he came over anyway. He came over and we had sex. He told me that he likes me very much. But that was six weeks ago. He called once after that. I said that he could come over, but he didn’t show up. Then he replied that all is fine. But nothing again for two weeks. Then he comes over and talks about the future—kids, etc. But then nothing again.

So I guess from a guy’s perspective I would like to know what to do??? It has been four years now and and the last two were a hell for me because I’ve fallen so deep for him and I don’t know how to change things with us. Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I think he does not care at all. Some days I want to tell him how I feel and end the sex for good in hopes that he’ll then change. Then I get scared that he won’t change. And then sometimes I just want to wait and see what happens. But it’s killing me.

Can you help please guys?! Tell me what to do in this situation and how to get out without losing my sanity. I hope that you’ll answer me soon..

Victoria !

Dear Victoria,

Thanks for your question and your donation. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.

We’re sorry your situation has been so painful for you. You’re in relationship limbo and that’s never fun.

First of all, you’re not going to change this guy. It’s been four years, and you’ve seen the same behavior from him since the beginning. All he’s done is given you mixed signals. Is that truly the kind of relationship you want? Do you really want someone who only calls late at night to come over for sex, and then pushes you away when you try to talk to him about the relationship, and the future? The relationship started out as a “one night stand,” and it hasn’t progressed any further in four years! We just don’t see how any of this is going to change. The two of you are too deep into your “defined” roles.

We already think you’ve decided what you should do. The trouble is: Doing it.

This man certainly has a strong hold over you. And that’s troubling. Because for some reason you’ve handed him all the power. You’ve given him permission to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And that’s something you need to take a hard look at. Why have you let him dictate the terms of your relationship? Is this a pattern for you with men, or is it just this particular guy? Those are important questions to ask yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re worth more than that. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership, and you certainly deserve that.

So if you truly want to move on it’s up to you to take back some control. This means you need to stop letting him come over to have sex with you whenever he feels like it. We realize that’s easier said than done, but it’s up to you to do this. He’s going to keep calling you whenever the urge hits him—as long as he knows you’re open and available to him. So if you want to move on, it’s up to you to end it for good, and stick to your guns.

The other piece to this is a health issue: Do you know what he’s doing during the time the two of you are apart? It’s likely he’s enjoying the company of other women while the two of you are on “break.” Maybe he doesn’t owe you anything, but it’s not safe for you. You have to be careful out there in the dating world Victoria.

We wish we could say it’s not going to be hard for you, but we can’t. Break ups are painful. It’s like losing a part of yourself. But hopefully you have good friends and family to help you get through it, if that’s what you decide to do. But we can say, with time the hurt will lessen, and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. And eventually you’ll be open again to new possibilities and new love.

We wish you the best as you work through this. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us an additional question. You can leave your comment/question right in the “Comments” section of this post.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook.

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

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College Romance: Confused by his intentions

Hi guys,

I have been together with my boyfriend for six years and I have been feeling for quite some years that my boyfriend is more like a brother to me. I love him so much and I can’t imagine myself not having him in my life anymore, but I don’t love him as a man; I love him as a friend. He is my family and I’m his family but I don’t see him as a man and he doesn’t treat me as a woman. I tried to save the relationship so many times by talking to him about this and even giving him ultimatums, saying I wanted to leave him if he didn’t change etc..

We already had a break for 5 months where we were living under the same roof but we where sleeping in separate rooms. He just doesn’t change anything. He accepts me sleeping in a separate room, everythings seems to be fine for him. In an earlier stage of the relationship, I also discussed about me wanting to have family and get a ring but nothing happened. He says when we will have money we will, but I believe he only uses it as an excuse. I have told him I would be happy to get even the cheapest plastic ring, I just wanted him asking me to marry.

The whole ceremony could wait, even 30 years, but at least I would see if he wanted to commit. Even when we had a six years anniversary, he went to play football with his friends instead of arranging something special with me. His excuse was (as always) the lack of money. But he could have arranged a romantic dinner at home, or given a simple rose to show his affection. I believe that this past events have led me to feel this way about him, especially the sex part. We don’t have sex any more. Before it was a strugle to have the desire for sex. Now it would even feel weird to have sex with him, like having sex with a best friend. I’m turning 30 and he is 34, I think it’s too young to give up on sex and romance.

What’s so confusing is that when I tell him I want to end the relationship he says he loves me and that he wants a future with me. But then it comes to action he doesn’t change even a bit.

Even if I end the relationship, he doesn’t seem to be sad, just a bit hungry for some hours and then he acts like nothing, laughting like nothing happened. Even the fact that we don’t have sex anymore doesn’t bother him. He prefers to not EVER talk about relationship problems.

I get the feeling that he is settling for me though he feels the same brotherly feeling for me, and this is because he seems to think he won’t find somebody attractive. (He has even told me so when we were on a break). That’s another side of the story. He does not feel like a very attractive man, and to tell you the truth, it was not his looks that I fell for in the first place. I’m not a person that sees just the looks. I got in a relationship with him becasue of his inner qualities. On the other hand( not to sound egocentric please) I’m considered very attractive. The sad thing is that I get the feeling that he is still with me because he won’t find any other good looking girl.

What should I do? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Should I break the relationship and try to find love?

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question.

The two of you are stuck in a rut. Neither of you want to take the necessary steps to either work on the relationship, or break it off, so you’re in this perpetual state of limbo. However, he seems comfortable with this holding pattern, and you seem bothered by it.

First of all, you’re saying two different things and we’re confused. On the one hand you say you don’t love him as a man, but on the other hand you want him to propose, or at some point you did. That seems confusing to us. You either love him or you don’t. You either want to marry him or you don’t. And what are these ultimatums you’re talking about? Why would you give him an ultimatum if you’re not really sure you love him as a man? This is something you need to sort out Lola. Are you so ready for marriage that you’ll settle for someone you don’t love romantically? Or do you truly love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Here are some things to think about.

Don’t downplay friendship when choosing a partner. Some people do marry their friends and are completely happy. But are you one of those people? You mention physical attraction and sex a few times in your note to us. If those pieces of a relationship are important to you—be honest with yourself—you might be frustrated if you stay in your current relationship. If you think you can live without them, maybe you’ll be happy.

It’s also important to ask yourself why he’s with you. Is it because you’re good looking? Or because of other qualities you possess? You seem to think he’s dating you because of your looks only, but then you also say, he sees you only as a friend. Once again you’re saying two different things. Either way the two of you need to have some serious discussions about these issues. And if he’s not willing to talk about the relationship, that’s a red flag in itself. Communication is vital for any healthy relationship.

Finally, it’s odd that the two of you sleep in separate bedrooms. Even if you don’t have sex, being near each other can only bring you closer, and help strengthen emotional connections. What’s going to happen if and when you get married? Will you live in two different houses?

Lola, you have a lot to figure out if you’re going to move forward in this relationship. If it feels like you’re constantly swimming against the current, then maybe it’s time to move on. It does seem like the two of you are moving in different directions. But since you’re such good friends, the two of you should be able to sort this out together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Or on You Tube.

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our new videos:

Dating Older Men

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Getting Played: Listen to your friends

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a two to three week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

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Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Hi guys!

I’ve been with my guy for three years now and we have a seventeen month old little boy. I have to admit our relationship has been rocky at times, and a lot of the time it’s because I have self esteem issues and never have felt good enough for him; and I’m worried he will find someone better. Anyway he is having to move away for a year soon to finish his degree. He will be going ten hours away from us. My son and I are staying back at home where I am studying and have support from family and friends. I am very anxious about us being away for that long even though he assures me all the time that he would never cheat on me. I just feel like he is going to meet a girl much better than me and realize he never wants to come back. I wish he didn’t have to go and I’m wondering if a guy really can survive without regular intimacy both physical and emotional for a long period of time. And since I won’t be there, maybe he will naturally and maybe unconsciously let me go.

Thanks guys xx

Nichola

Dear Nichola,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, a guy can survive without regular intimacy for a year. We are no different than women in this regard. In fact your situation has little to do with guys and girls, and much more to do with individuals. Guys who cheat, will cheat no matter what. Distance makes it easier, but for the cheater it doesn’t matter. On the contrary, someone who is going to be faithful will be faithful even if they have to wait for a year, because they have a clear moral compass that’s guiding them. Faithful guys are less narcissistic and are better able to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and say, “How would I feel if she cheated on me?”

Your boyfriend/partner will likely have to “take care” of himself—in that intimate way, if you know what we’re saying. And of course the two of you could always engage in various long distance intimacies—phone sex, text sex, flirtatious emails, etc.—to help connect the two of you in a semi-physical way, and make the time apart pass more quickly.

But there are bigger issues going on here. First of all, Nichola, you have to take him at his word. He says he would never cheat on you, so you have to believe him. Or not. It’s up to you. All of this worry is more about you than it is him, unless he’s given you some cause to be suspicious. You don’t mention that’s the case, so we assume these are your own insecurities playing with your head. And in general if you don’t get a handle on these thoughts and feelings, your relationship will continue to be rocky. He sounds like a patient sort of guy, but if he is constantly having to reassure you, that’s going to get old fast. It’s certainly not a big turn on. And if it continues for too long it might possibly drive him to do the very thing you’re most worried about: leave you.

We don’t know why you feel the way you do, but it’s something you should seek some professional help with. (That’s above our pay grade.) You need to get to the bottom of these feelings otherwise every relationship you have now, and in the future, will be affected, including the relationship you have with your son.

We have faith in you. Clearly you’re an introspective person, and that will serve you well as you look for some answers.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. And subscribe to our You Tube page.

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our very first video:

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Or visit the You Tube link below and subscribe to our new You Tube Channel.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are doing our best to answer all of them, but we are quite behind in our responses. So today we decided to answer five of your questions, since these are a bit shorter than some of the rest.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you. Because we are not your typical guy site. Most of our readers are women, interested in knowing what’s behind the mind of the male. And we’re happy to provide you with those insights.

Our Video Page is coming very soon. We have a YOU TUBE channel as well. Check out our first video. Leave us a comment. A Like. Subscribe to our You Tube Channel for upcoming videos on relationship and dating advice.

You Tube Video

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Question 1: Long distance

Dear Guys,

I’m in a long distance relationship. It’s been about two and a half years. In the begining he would tell me how much he wanted me and how much he couldn’t wait to see me. He’d make intimate comments. Now, although he tells me he loves me all the time he no longer makes the intimate comments or tells me how much he wants me. This is leaving me feeling less desired.

So my question is: is it possible he still desires me? I will be going to visit in a couple of weeks but feel like the passion might not be there for him so I’m nervous.

Karen

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your question.

It’s always nice to receive loving compliments, especially if they are unsolicited. And it’s equally upsetting if these compliments suddenly disappear. If he used to shower you with loving poetry, and he no longer does, is it possible he’s got something else going on? We’re just wondering out loud here.

By nature, a long distance relationship is often more intense than your typical day-to-day relationship. For a guy, the anticipation of sex is enough for him to do or say anything. If he’s no longer anticipating the sex with the same fierce desire, this could be the reason he no longer compliments you. But it’s not the only reason he might be pulling back. It’s up to you to figure out why. Keep those eyes open and trust your gut. (From our video) Watch above.

We think you’ll get all the answers you need when you visit him next. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 2: Getting Played?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been with this guy for six months. Within the first two months I got an STD. (He was the only one I  was with.) I talked to him about it and he yelled at me and told me I was the only one he was with.  On top of that I only see him maybe one day out of a week and he has only spent the night with me two times in the last two months.

He has this “A” person who is always calling and texting him. And when I ask about it he yells at me and tells me it’s his sister from another state.  Yet I know there was one time his phone rang and I saw that it was “A.” I asked who it was anyways and he said it was a bill collector.  Another time I saw he received a text and I saw it was from “A.” When I asked him who he was texting he said his daughter.

He has two kids, a fifteen year old girl and a thirteen year old boy, which I’ve never met. They don’t even know about me.  I also have never been to his house.  He says he doesn’t want to introduce me to his kids until it feels right. He gets pissed if I don’t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner, or if I decide to do something at the last minute—even when he is not with me. I’ve let him in to my life 110% including my daughter looking at him like her dad.

My questions for you guys are:  Do you think he’s playing me or hiding something or someone from me?  How long should I wait before I press the issue about his kids?  Do you think he’ll ever let me in?

Joann

Dear Joann,

Thanks for your question.

Honestly, the situation sounds very sketchy.

Clearly you don’t trust him, and from what you say, we can understand why. So why are you trying to make this work?

Relationships are all about trust. You’ve let him into your life, but he has barely let you into his. When a guy hides you from his family and friends, it’s a major red flag.

If you really want to know what’s going on, press the issue now. It’s always best to know the truth. Either way you’ll get some answers. And knowledge is much better than uncertainty, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’re hoping.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Question 3: The Quizno’s Guy

Dear Guys,

So about two months ago I went to get Quizno’s. As I walked up to the counter, a cute guy started started talking to me as if we knew each other. As he was taking my order we ended up having a really odd conversation that most people wouldn’t normally have. We had great chemistry and quick and quirky comebacks for everything that was being said. It was one of those moments that only happens in movies or on TV. (It felt like we were the only ones in the Quizno’s shop.) As odd as that sounds, it was a feeling I never had the pleasure of experiencing. So my question for you is: is this something to look into or should I just let it be and let nature take its course?

P.S.  As i was turning to leave I caught him turn and smile all kid like at his co-worker. His co-worker just gave him a sneaky/grin expression.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question. We love your story! It’s amazing when something like this happens–and not in the movies!

Well what do you think? What’s your gut telling you?

We say go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you can’t go to that particular Quizno’s anymore. What’s the best that can happen? Hmmm………Exactly!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Question 4: The Break Up

Dear Guys,

Well, I was in a relationship with a guy for two and a half years. We broke up last month. We were madly in love, and then suddenly we were broken up. He said we can’t be happy when we’re together because I’m kinda needy and clingy. Apparently, he needs his own space and ‘single time’.

I’m going through a very hard time without him. But I know that he still loves me. He said that he wouldn’t contact me but he contacted my sister last week and asked about me. I didn’t let her give any information about me. I just want to disappear and get away from him. But I’m hoping that he will find me one day. Everyone around me is telling me that he will find me one day.

Will it really happen?

Soba

Dear Soba,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re in so much pain. Break ups are very difficult—like losing a part of yourself.

Having said that, sometimes break ups are necessary. And if your man is saying he needs single time, that’s a pretty strong message, and one you need to respect. It also says the two of you are in very different places in your life. Relationships are as much about timing as they are about love. Right now the timing is off between the two of you.

We can’t say whether or not the two of you will get back together. We imagine it’s going to take some time before you really know the answer to that question. For now, let yourself grieve, but try and get out and spend time with the people who love you: your family and friends. We know it’s hard, but try and enjoy the simple things in life for now. Unfortunately you don’t have any control over his actions, so you’ll have to just wait and see.

Take care and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Question 5: Broken Engagement

Hey guys!

My ex-fiance and I were together for over two years and were engaged, planning a wedding, etc. We were really great together and I just knew he was the one—until I found out that he cheated on me for two months by sending unsavory pictures and having racy conversations with this girl. I caught him and he confessed. But I’ll bet this was not the first girl.

We spent a few weeks apart and then talked things out and I forgave him. But I couldn’t really forget how it made me feel. I started to become a bit paranoid, wondering if it would happen again. I didn’t voice these concerns much. This led to several arguments—some heated—because he seemed uninterested,  and he didn’t want to be intimate much anymore.

For a couple that had never really argued before, this was major. Just four months after finding out about the cheating, he breaks up with me suddenly, claiming that we’d get divorced if we were married and were simply too dysfunctional, which I believe to be the worst cop-out I’ve heard. He refuses to give me reasons, meet up with me, or talk to me in general. It’s like he’s forgotten we ever planned a life together and were a couple. I don’t know what to think. He’d been going to the gym a lot lately— nearly obsessing over it—and hanging out with a homosexual friend of his. He also admits he thought he was bi-sexual. I don’t even begin to know what to do. This was the guy that I was supposed to marry and now it seems like I never knew him at all. Please help!

Whitney

Dear Whitney,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult AND confusing time.

Clearly the guy you fell in love with, got engaged to, and wanted to spend your life with, is not the man you thought he was. As you say, it’s likely he was “exploring” other options—in addition to the one you know about— while the two of you were together.

You are not the first person to have your trust betrayed, and you won’t be the last. Don’t blame yourself, or question yourself too much. These things happen to the best of us. And honestly, your ex is searching right now. Do you really want to be along for that ride? It sounds like it might be a long, and tumultuous one.

The consensus here with all of us is: your guy has actually done you a favor. Even though it’s very sad now, sometime down the road, when you’re in a loving and trusting relationship, you’ll thank your ex-fiance for letting you go.

For now, hang in there. Spend time with good friends and family. Try to remember all the things you loved before you met him, and throw yourself back into them. But unfortunately you’re not going to get all the answers you need from him, because he’s searching for his own answers.

Good luck, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

Readers: Spread the word about THE GUYS. Share on Facebook, Twitter, You Tube, or any other social gathering. Thanks so much for your continued support!

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Dear Guys,

I really need help on this one. I’m 21 and recently started hooking up with this guy. We have been sexually active together for about 3 months now. He tells me it’s the best sex he has ever had; and for me, it’s the same! We hang out pretty much every day. Some days things seem to be going great. We hang out just the two of us, or with his friends, or go to the movies. He takes me to dinner, and we’ve even met each other’s families.

And then other days he acts completely different with me. We won’t kiss, touch, but he still flirts with me and is always super sweet. He’s always the one to make the first move when we hook up, just because im a little more shy when I’m with him. (This boy seriously makes me weak in the knees.) But some nights we won’t hook up or anything and it’s just plain weird, I guess? We both just got out of serious relationships not too long ago, and agreed that we were not rushing back into another one anytime soon. But we also agreed that we weren’t going to hook up with anyone else either. I guess I’m just confused on why he acts diffrently towards me some days. I really like this guy and just don’t want to mess anything up.

Nichol

Dear Nichol,

Thanks for your question.

From everything you say, it seems like he likes you more than just a casual hook up. In fact it seems like the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend, since you’re doing all the things couples do: going out to dinner, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, meeting prospective families. We think you need to have a discussion about this, don’t you? Just because you both SAY you don’t want to rush into anything new, your actions say otherwise. And hey, that’s a good thing if you’re both happy.

His behavior is a bit inconsistent, although you say he’s sweet to you even on the days when you don’t kiss, touch, or hook up. Typically if a guy considers a woman to be a fling, he only wants to be with her when he’s hooking up with her. Your guy doesn’t behave this way. So we have another possible explanation for his erratic behavior.

A man’s affection can often be traced to his changing testosterone levels. Meaning, a guy might behave differently on the days he wants to have sex, as opposed to the days right after he has sex? If a guy wants sex it’s likely he’s going to touch a woman more, maybe hold her hand, give her some love “squeezes” here and there, generally be more physically loving, and all around more agreeable. But some guys who don’t necessarily need sex every day might need a day of recovery. On those days— recovery days—guys can be more business like in terms of physical affection. See if this pattern holds true for your guy. And let us know.

If this is the case it can mean a lot of things. If he continues to be sweet with you, and treats you with respect there’s no reason to be concerned. It’s certainly worth a conversation down the road, maybe when/if you two decide to make yourselves an official couple. If this pattern becomes more extreme, you might need to reevaluate if you want to be with him. (This might mean there’s more going on than we can say based on your note.)

Overall, we feel pretty positive about what’s going on between the two of you. But keep those eyes open, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling about him and the relationship. We always say, TRUST YOUR GUT. (Be on the look out for our first video, on this very topic next week.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And join us on Facebook.

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

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Dear Guys,

I joined a gym last year and started working out with one of the PTs. We worked out every other week which then turned into every week – he was good and I pushed myself when I was with him. We started talking outside of the gym through Facebook…he always contacted me and it soon became flirty. I figured this is just the way he is, keeping me sweet so I would stay with him as a PT. But the flirting became a bit more obvious at the gym, with his mates ribbing him when I was around; and I got messages from his mates through Facebook telling me he liked me. About 5 weeks ago, he quit the gym because it wasn’t working out for him. He didn’t tell me until the last day and said he could either pass me onto someone else or he would be happy to train ‘with’ me, which is what we continued to do.

A few weeks ago, he went out and got drunk and was texting me. He ended up telling me his heart was maybe mine. I chalked it up to him being drunk. But when I saw him the following week he played down how drunk he was saying by the end of the night he wasn’t at all drunk. This conversation continued later on after the gym and I invited him round the next night. He came round and we kissed and he stayed the night. We talked till about 2am and though it was a bit rushed in the morning it didn’t seem awkward.

Now he has stopped all contact with me. After standing me up at the gym and not responding to my text, I caught him on Facebook and asked him what was going on—not thinking I would get a response. He told me he didn’t want a relationship or anything, and his life/ head was messed up, and there were things I didn’t know about him. Once he told me, he quickly logged off so I sent him a message saying I understood and that I respected his decision. The next day I stupidly messaged his mate —the one who’d messaged me in the past— to find out if he was okay. The guy found out and had a huge go at me. I apologized straight away saying I was confused by how he was acting. He responded by telling me that if I was to continue to pester him I should get out of his life! I haven’t contacted him since then, but did he really just want one thing from me? It seems a lot of work for one night and that night could have happened a long time ago. He says it wasn’t a one night thing but I have lost a friend over this and it hurts! I never said I wanted a relationship so why has he just cut me out of his life like this?? Have I been completely fooled?!

Becs

Dear Becs,

Thanks for your question. (We’re going to read between the lines and assume the two of you were intimate with one another when he slept over. It sounds like it. )

No you haven’t been fooled. We actually agree with your assessment. We think this is a lot of work for a “one night stand.” Although, we won’t lie and say it’s not impossible he had a complete reversal in his desire for a relationship with you.

One thing important to note about guys: sometimes it takes having sex with someone for a guy to truly know whether or not he’s into a particular woman. Of course we would say: if a guy is truly in love with a woman he’ll make it work even if there aren’t fireworks in the bedroom. This latter type of guy believes relationships require commitment and effort, and with this type of mentality, it’s likely all aspects of the relationship will only get better and better. But a hefty percentage of guys will sleep with a woman before they’re 100% sure; and it’s not until AFTER the deed is done—when the chemicals in their bodies have gone back to normal levels—when they’re able to think clearly. That’s why we always say, make sure your man says I love you at other times besides right before sex.

But Becs, maybe his life is as messed up as he says it is. And maybe you don’t know him like he’s saying. Sure, this may be a ruse to throw you off his scent, a deflection to keep you from discovering the real truth: he slept with you only to realize he’s not into you. However, we think he’s telling the truth here. And if so, maybe he does need to get his “stuff” together before he’s able to be in a relationship. It would be nice if he could provide you with more details, which might help put your mind to rest, but that’s not going to happen. The two of you don’t know each other well enough, and it sounds like these other issues are things he’d like to keep private.

So this is one of those situations where you’re just going to always wonder what happened unfortunately. But rest assured, you certainly didn’t do anything wrong. This is all about him, not you. And who knows maybe he’ll come around, and at some point you’ll get the answers you’re looking for. But for now, respect his wishes, and move on with your life.

Good luck. Leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook.

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

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The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Episode 37: Glee, Dunkin Donuts Psychic, Bratz, Slow Jams Contest

Question #1

Dear Guys,

Do guys like to be licked slowly from their feet up to the “main event?”

Gin

Dear Gin,

Thanks for your question.

First of all, all guys are different, so it’s difficult to give you a definitive answer to your question. We would assume your statement is true for some guys, but not all. But we can say this: all men like to be licked in places other than their “main event.” And if your slow and deliberate movement toward the “main event” isn’t actually turning him on, the anticipation of you reaching the final destination is.

And we certainly have never heard of any guy getting upset over a woman experimenting with various areas of his body, trying to figure out where those other sweet spots are.

So in essence the answer to your question is yes. Because even though we hate to stoop to an overused phrase, we will say that there is one phrase that sums it all up: It’s all good.

Happy licking,

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And let people know about us on Facebook, Twitter, or even Face-to-Face.

Question #2:

Dear Guys,

Am I being controlling when I ask my wife where she is going to be when she goes out with her girlfriend and some other guy, also from where they work?

Tom

Dear Tom,

Thanks for your question.

We’d like to know the context  a bit better, but our first reaction is, “No.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with asking your wife where she’s going, especially if it’s out at night and there’s another guy involved. But here’s the thing. It sounds like your wife thinks you’re too controlling, and that is an entirely different matter, which brings a larger issue into the fold. Is there a general trust issue going on between the two of you?

Marriage should be an open book with no secrets that might diminish or undermine the bond that has been formed. Couples with a strong bond happily tell their partners where they’re going, what they’re up to, and when they’ll be home. It’s not about lack of trust, it’s about understanding that even when you’re out and about in the world, your marriage or partnership comes first.

Having friends outside of the relationship is great, but they should never in any way threaten the primary relationship. There’s nothing wrong with her having a friend of the opposite sex, but if you suspect something more, or she feels defensive when you ask her about it, you need to work this out together. Here’s a good rule to follow: If it doesn’t work for both people in a relationship, it doesn’t work.

It sounds like the two of you need to spend some quality time together, talking about your feelings, and working through some of these trust issues.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a follow up comment. And spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, or even Face-to-Face.

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Hi Guys,

I originally posted this in the wrong section of your website.  Here it is again, in the correct section.  I really need your help on this one, Guys!  Thanx!…

From THE GUYS: We’re assuming names have been changed.

My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

Problems I’m having are these:

1) My boyfriend’s friend is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage.  She continually COMPLAINS ABOUT her current husband WITH my boyfriend. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend????

Diane and Joe say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him.  Why?  Because of his track record with women… 2 divorces, cheated on first wife 20 yrs ago, used this other woman over the past 3 years for oral sex, and pretty much admitted he used her even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

2) He is VERY protective of this “Diane” friend of his. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

3) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly disrespectful of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

4) Those two call each other daily. They visit each other’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as disrespectful of the relationship between my bf and I.

5) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. He doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
What do I do to resolve all of this?

I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

Thanx,

Ariana

P.S. ….Note to self: As I write this, I wonder, don’t I think enough of myself to NOT be with this man?  What am I doing?  Do I NOT respect myself enough, that I ACCEPT this stuff?

P.P.S. He says he “loves” me about 5-8 times a day.  I say it too.  He calls me every day, we visit eachother every day… we eat dinner together and hang out and talk, watch t.v., laugh, talk about work, say I love you, hug alot, hold hands, and even dance together. But I’m utterly LOST and confused.  I’m also AFRAID he’ll have sex with this “Diane” friend (if he hasn’t already over their “15 yr” so-called “friendship”

Oh, and WHY do I love this guy?  I love ALL the “OTHER” parts of him… except the “unsavory” stuff I mentioned above.  I try not to think about it – - it’s not easy.  I love his hugs and kisses, his softness toward me, the laughs we have, coffee together every morning, the sex, our dancing together, our long talks, and beautiful dinners at home together.  …I love just about EVERYTHING about Joe, except the crummy stuff (if that makes ANY sense).  I suppose one can’t separate the good from the bad, cuz it is all one package.  That’s why I’m so conflicted.

Where do I go from here, Guys.  What do I do?  What OF this DIANE chick?  Why does he choose such a “broken”, “messed up” (to use his words) friend as DIANE to be his BEST Friend (other than me, his supposed girlfriend)?

Too many questions, sorry, but this all hurts so much.  I feel SO conflicted.  I feel like I have no respect for myself, and well… I SHOULD.

Dear Ariana,

Thanks for writing to us.

We see multiple issues going on here. First of all you’ve only been dating “Joe” for six months. And while that is plenty of time to become very close, it pales in comparison to all the history he has with his friend “Diane.” They’ve known each other for 15 years, and have been through a lot of trying times together, which has brought them closer together, however unhealthy it may seem to you.

We commend “Joe” for sticking with his friend, even though it’s clear that she has many issues she needs to work through. (And those issues are way beyond the scope of what we talk about here.) It sounds like they need each other at this point, and maybe through their shared history, they actually help support one another. Remember, this friendship, or relationship, has been going on long before you were in the picture, so it would take a lot to supplant it. Your best approach is to try to understand it and get him to tell you why he values the relationship so much without accusing him, although it may be too late for this since it’s been such a source of discourse between the two of you.

Further more, there’s nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex as long as it doesn’t impinge on the primary relationship. However, in your case we agree with you; his relationship with her is starting to impact your relationship because of the close emotional ties he has with her. These ties don’t allow him to be truly open to someone new, but maybe he wants it that way. That’s a larger issue that also needs to be resolved. Why is this relationship so important to him, to the point where he refuses to include you and compromise any aspect of it?

We can’t speak to the physical aspect of their relationship. He says there’s nothing going on and you still wonder. So what’s that all about? Yes, his history is a bit “storied” but people can change. Sure some guys are serial cheaters, but sometimes it’s the situation that brings out that side of people. We don’t condone cheating on any level, but we understand that people are human, and sometimes when people feel trapped, or overwhelmed the behave in unsavory ways. It is true that once you cheat it’s easier to cheat again, but we also know guys who’ve cheated once and wouldn’t do it again. (So they say.) If you’re going to be in a relationship with this guy you have to accept his past and keep it in the past. You have to accept him for who he is now, because all of his past has defined him and made him the man you love—yes, even his moments of weakness with the “other” girl. If he is actually cheating on you currently that’s a whole other story. If that ends up being the case, then by all means you should move on immediately.

Ariana, you need to have trust in your relationship to be able to go the distance. You tell us all the reasons you love this man, but at the same time you don’t trust him at all. That’s quite a disparity, and no way to conduct, or advance a relationship. All it’s doing is making you confused, upset, anxious, and stressed out. And if it continues it will slowly whittle away your self-esteem, and cause resentment and anger. And it goes from there.

So, you need to get him talking. (Maybe couples counseling) If you can’t get him to understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where he’s coming from, we only see this relationship continuing in the same way it’s continuing. All this peripheral stuff: his friendship, his past actions, his stubborness, are all symptoms of larger issues going on for you and him. And in some ways you both seem like you’re struggling with some of the same things: self-worth and trust in other people.

Finally, sometimes relationships don’t work out simply because they are too hard. Meaning, sometimes there are so many things to deal with that the good times are constantly overshadowed by the weight of all the other issues. At some point you need to evaluate this relationship and decide if it’s going to work for you, and him. Love isn’t always enough. (And we hate to say that, because we believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy.)

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And feel free to ask another question down the road.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.

Leila

Dear Leila,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.

The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.

Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.

But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.

We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.

Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.

THE GUYS

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now.  He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well.  We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out.  However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well.  He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while.  But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show.  I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual.  I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before.  I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with.  It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?

I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!

Morgarita

Dear Morgarita,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.

We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.

For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.

It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.

So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.

If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.

Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

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TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

This week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Here are last week’s questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Dear Guys,

I started talking to this guy about four months ago. We started having sex and then just recently he started calling himself my boyfriend. He knows that’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning.

Would this guy go to the trouble to come here and spend time with me talking, before and after sex, putting his head on my chest and tickling me, and stuff like that if I’m just a booty call?

We are both divorced and both of us have kids, so going out on dates is hard. I’m worried that I may just be a stand by, or only a booty call?

Rae

Dear Rae,

Thanks for writing to us.

It seems like he’s your boyfriend, but we can understand why you’re unsure.

The signs that say he is your bother would be: He enjoys coming over; you spend quality time together; he wants to interact with you beyond just having sex; you care for him, and he cares for you. But that doesn’t mean he is actually your boyfriend, even if he says he is.

We think you need to gather some more information about him.

What’s he doing when he’s not with you? We’re not saying you should be suspicious, but if he is your boyfriend, it seems that you should know a little more about him. What does he do for work? Who are his friends? Have you met them? Have you met his family? How about his kids? Have you met them? Does he coach their games? Is he involved in their lives? All of these things will provide you with more answers.

Just because he rubs your tummy and tickles you before and after sex doesn’t make him your boyfriend. A guy will do almost anything for sex. What makes him your boyfriend is your emotional connection with him, and the bond you form on a day to day basis. What else? How about the two of you working on good communication and establishing trust. Those are the pieces that need to be in place so you don’t feel so unsure about where you stand with him. Rae, it’s almost like you’re eating the wild berries before you’ve figured out if they’re poisonous or not.

So talk to him. Tell him about yourself. Learn about him. Start to get to know each other beyond just the physical realm.

And even though it’s hard, we recommend you go out on some real dates with him. Maybe once every two weeks to start, even if it’s just for a few hours. It could be during the day or at night. Whenever you can manage to get a babysitter. That will be a nice change from your normal routine. And we guarantee you’ll feel much less like a booty call if you start to put some of these pieces in place.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers: You might enjoy reading Charlotte Pescale’s “Relationship Memoirs.” Check it out. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

THE GUYS

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played” 

Am I being played again? 

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

______________________________

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy that I really like. I met him through friends and we always party together. We did have a couple drunken hookups – except I’m not sure if he was REALLY drunk or not. We have been talking for a couple months online and hanging out once in a while in a group of friends. The thing is, he told me straight up he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to date around because he had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend of 5 years and is still hurting and not over her. I respected his decision and gave him his space. I also took it as if he wasn’t very interested/into me at all.

The next week when we went out partying together in a group of friends, I see him kissing one of my friends. They were both drunk. When I saw that I became really confused and hurt. I decided it’s best if I avoided him because I really didn’t want to get hurt. Another thing was that my friend that made out with him told me not to get too close to him because he would end up hurting me. How ironic that she was the one kissing him in front of my face. At the club, my friend saw how hurt I was and went up to talk to him and she told me that he said he thought I was really cute and sexy, but he had already told me he wanted to date around and that our personalities aren’t compatible. And I realized it’s kind of true, our personalities don’t click very well.

Anyways, I kept my distance for a bit, but we would still end up talking for a bit. The next time we got drunk together, he tried to kiss me and get all over me again. I wouldn’t let him and I kinda told him off saying that we’re just friends and how I saw him kissing my friend. He said that she kissed him first. It just made me really upset. So I made it clear that we were just friends.

We would still talk once in a while and even stopped talking for a while. It really bothered me because he knows that I like him, but at the same time I know he can’t give me what I want and I should just get over him.

We hung out in our group of friends for a weekend. It was just me and him and his group of friends. His group of friends like me and consider me one of them – the guys. They always tease me, make fun of me and mess with me. He is the only one who never talks to me or makes an effort to and the only one in his group of friends that doesn’t tease me, mess around with me – for example pull my hair, snap my bra straps, pinch me, pick me up and throw me .. etc. The boys all like to play with me. I noticed I have no problems striking conversation with any of the guys. It’s only him I can’t have a decent conversation with. When we hang out in a group, he’s the only one that doesn’t pay any attention to me.

It’s so weird because he won’t talk to me anymore when we hang out, but when I get too drunk he is the one that takes care of me or makes sure I’m okay. When I’m passed out he will tell me to stand up, he will get me water, rub my back, drive me to his friends to crash, sleep with me – cuddle me to sleep. This time around we were about to sleep and he started touching me and kissing me. Then we started to make out and pretty much was about to hook up, but I stopped him because I was on my period. So we did everything but sex.

The next day he acted so awkward. He wouldn’t really talk to me, strike up conversations with me or really talk to me when I started conversations with him. He acted so cold/distant and uninterested. I really don’t understand. It almost makes me feel like he really dislikes me. It is even more weird because we usually hook up because we’re ‘drunk,’ but he told his friend that he was already sobered up by the time we crashed at his friends house. We went to go eat with our friends the next morning, who are a couple and he can talk to other girls no problem. But with me, nothing. Nothing to say, nothing to talk about. I think he felt really awkward and I tried my best to break the ice, but it didn’t work.

What in the world is he thinking? Does he really dislike me that much and just wanted to use me for sex?

It really makes no sense.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for writing to us.

This guy does not dislike you. He wouldn’t be trying to have sex with you if he disliked you. But unfortunately he’s also not interested in anything more than a drunken hook up.

First of all the drunken hook ups should stop for your sake. Nothing good comes of too much alcohol, and in your case all you’re doing is compromising yourself to be with some guy who isn’t giving you anything but an occasional good time, accompanied by an awkward aftermath and confusing feelings all around. That doesn’t sound worth it to us.

This guy isn’t ready for any type of relationship. He’s pretty much told you that. And if he’s kissing your “friend” in front of you, that should pretty much tell you the story.

Sara, we know you like this guy, but what are you getting from this except for self-doubt and worry?

To answer your question, is he playing you? Inadvertently, yes. What he’s doing is giving you major mixed signals, at least from your standpoint. From ours, he’s doing what many guys do. They say one thing and do another. And when it comes to sex that is very common. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to mess with you specifically; it sounds like this is his M.O. in general.

Here is something for you to understand, and for all the women reading this to think about. If a guy has sex with you it doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than you were available and willing to have sex with him. It could mean that he’s in love with you, but it can also mean he was just horny. In your case, it sounds like the latter. Sorry.

Sara, if you’re getting so drunk that you’re have trouble standing or are passing out, you’re probably going to be making bad decisions when it comes to guys, and hooking up. Maybe you need to take a look at what you’re doing that’s contributing to your confusion. And take a look at the people you’re hanging out with. We’re not saying you should stop hanging out with them, but maybe you have some other friends that are doing different types of things that don’t always involve lots of alcohol.

Good luck. Respect yourself. You’re worth it.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

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Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Jealousy

Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been together for five years.  We recently had a baby girl.  Things between us started getting pretty bad when I became pregnant, and it seems like its been a steady decline ever since.

Before we became pregnant we had a pretty wild sex life.  I was never the jealous type, and we’ve shared our bed with other women on occasion.
Right around the time that I was 5 months pregnant our sex life came to a halt.  I didn’t know what to think.  He had also gotten a promotion at work that forced him to work crazy hours.  I didn’t know whether it was me and my growing belly that he was uninterested in or just stress from work.  Then I caught him masturbating to porn.  A silly thing that never would have bothered me before hurt me so badly.  I tried to ask him why he wouldn’t just come to me and why he would do that behind my back and he told me that he thought sex with me was “gross” and “creepy” because I was carrying our child.

I became so depressed and jealous, he made me feel so undesirable and made no effort to make me feel otherwise despite my sharing my feelings with him. He stopped telling me I was beautiful, he would come home from work and act like I wasn’t even there, and he would look at porn behind my back.  He rarely showed any concern for my feelings.  He even told me I was crazy because of my hormones.

So I made it through my pregnancy, and was really hoping that things were going to change.  I went right back to my pre-pregnancy shape and weight and really tried to jump start our sex life.  I’ve done everything I could think of; I was even giving him bjs “on demand”.  We have had sex three times in four months.  I find myself fantasizing about other men, having dreams about other men, and the less we are intimate, the more it happens.  His lack of interest in me (but continued interest in masturbating) really pisses me off and it is severly affecting our relationship.  Lately in addition to the lack of sex, there has been a major lack of communication.  It feels like I have to fight with him to get a little conversation going. What is up???

Jensi

Dear Jensi,

Thanks for your question.

We answered this question on our most recent podcast.

But for the record, many men find pregnancy to be very sexy, especially if it’s their own wife.

Please listen for our detailed answer on our podcast.

Episode 32: Money, Food, Couples, and Finance

Thanks,
THE GUYS

ps. Readers, please leave a comment. Your input is helpful to all people visiting this forum. Scroll down to where the same question is displayed in archive. (Right at the top.) Click to leave a comment. Thanks.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

However, we will give priority to any question accompanied by a small donation. Click the Paypal button to the right to support the guys. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

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Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

So long story short. After 9 months of being friends with a guy I finally got the nerve to tell him I liked him. I was tired of him staring at me and acting awkward, not knowing where we stood. We have hooked up but it wasn’t until after about 5 months and we still spoke after.

Any way I said that to him because I didn’t want to have any regrets. His answer was, “It’s okay. Listen, we did what we did. No one got hurt. It’s not  awkward at work. No one had to break up. And I’m moving to Canada next year(hockey).” I just said I understood. And like I said it was just something I wanted to say even though I knew what he was going to say.

I need to move on. But the whole time we were friends both of us had fun, got along, weren’t too clingy, and always gave ample space to have our own lives. So I just don’t fully get his answer. Did he care at all about me? I would rather be told “I don’t like you” vs having someone show me all signs pointing to caring about me but then saying that.

I know this is silly but it’s bugging me a little. I don’t know if this matters but last year he had a crappy breakup and was dumped.

Thanks for your help!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing to us. Your question is not silly. We totally understand how you might be feeling.

Let’s discuss the hooking up part first from a guy’s perspective.

Maybe this is true for women too, but a guy can separate sex and emotion pretty easily. Meaning, just because a guy wants to have sex with a woman, and is physically attracted enough to do that, doesn’t necessarily mean he wants anything more. He might want more, but having sex isn’t how he would show that. (He would show it by taking the woman out to dinner, giving her presents, and introducing her to all his friends and family.)

And we see this all the time. A man and woman are hanging out enjoying each others company over a course of months. They act like boyfriend and girlfriend, but nothing has actually been discussed about it. The woman starts to feel like something is developing beyond friendship and the man isn’t thinking that at all. (It could be reversed as well, but not as common because women express themselves more than guys do, so a guy would more likely know where he stood with a woman.) Anyway, once “hooking up” is added to the equation the waters get very murky, and now you have a situation like you’re facing.

It’s not that he’s blowing you off, or that he didn’t care about you, it’s just that the two of you never really talked about it. So it seems like all of a sudden the two of you are 180 degrees apart, when actually it may have been that way from the start.

If you truly don’t want to have any regrets you need to talk to him more. Don’t pretend this doesn’t bother you when it does. And don’t try to be cool. You won’t get what you want from life by being cool. You will get what you want by speaking up and going for it. It’s obvious you’re into this guy, so tell him what you really want. What’s the worst that could happen? He moves to Canada without you like he was going to do anyway.

We know this is hard Blake, but that’s what we think you should do. At least you’ll get the answer you’re looking for. And you know what? It’s possible after talking to him, something might develop. You won’t know until you go for it 100%.

Good luck. We wish you well.

Take care,

THE GUYS

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

However, we will give priority to any question accompanied by a small donation. Click the Paypal button to the right to support the guys. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I hope you get to respond to this one.  I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and a few months.  I am 32 and he will be 40 next month.  He’s the first and only guy I “knew” and he was the one about 6-7 months into the relationship.  We’ve both had previous relationships.  I also made it clear in those first 6 months that I was not dating him to be his girlfriend forever.  He understood.  We knew we loved each other, so I thought everything was fine.  But then a year and half into our relationship, my sister had some marital problems which kind of prompted me to bring up marriage with him.  I mentioned, or asked, to try to confirm that he did want to get married and have kids.  He made some joke about how I couldn’t handle a kid because I’d drop it, since I’m so careless. I pressed it and he got very uncomfortable, and asked me where “all this” was coming from.  Then he went MIA on me for a week.

We talked the following week and he said how he shouldn’t have gone MIA but that he wasn’t on any timeline.  I said that was fine, since I thought that it was only a year and half into our relationship.  But then around the 2.5 year mark, I started to ask him when I would meet his parents and how I wanted to come over his place.  He was dealing with a very sick dad who passed away last year and basically took care of his parents, changed his dad, fed him, etc. you get the picture.  He always seemed so stressed over working (he has his own law practice) and caring for his dad, that I didn’t want to stress him out, so I didn’t push things like pressing him to get married. But after 2.5 years or so I really wanted to meet more than his best friend, who I didn’t even see regularly.

Anyway, when I asked if I could come over and help, his response was nice but was like, “Babe, my house is a circus between taking care of my dad and all, what would you do?”  I told him I could distract his mom and keep her company.  Then I asked that I would meet his parents right?  He said of course I would but the time just wasn’t right right now.

After 2.5 years whenever I brought up marriage, he got very uncomfortable.  Then his dad died in January last year and  I brought it up around June, asking again when I would meet his mom(not about marriage per se)and his response was like, “Babe, I’m depressed, I cant even think straight. How can I answer that?”  So last year, everything was about how depressed he was.  But my question is, “Can a death in the family prevent someone who wants to be with you to marry you?”  I mean, its always something or another it seems with him, yet he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and has run away from other relationships for lesser things so that the fact that he’s still here trying to work it out should show me how much he wants this to work.

Anyway, I almost broke up with him last November but he wouldn’t let me and said he would try harder.  I still haven’t met his mom formally, I ran into her at the mall with him and he introduced me to him, his brother and nieces, and his sister as a friend.  He says he wants things to be better before he introduces me to them formally but I told him I need him to do something to feel better, take some action to further the relationship not just wait it out hoping to feel better.

So he agreed to meet my sister and brother in law last week when they were in town for an hour.  The first half hour went fine, light talk, but he flipped out when my sister lightly asked, “So..what are your plans,” responding very defensively to her that that was our decision and he didn’t appreciate being interrogated.

Now he hasn’t called me in a week, even after I tried to call him down after that meeting and told him not to pull the MIA thing again.  And even after recognizing that his response was overblown and that I should be the one who was offended at the way he came across to my family.  Instead, I got a text from him saying how he was sorry he had not called but that he was “deeply troubled” and did not want to say something he regretted and that!
hopefully we could talk in a few days.

WTF? Deeply troubled because my sister asked about our future plans since we’ve been dating for 4 years?  Whats his deal?

G

Dear G,

Thanks for your question. To use your own words, we are deeply troubled by this.

We’re not sure even where to start, but how about with his father passing away. First of all our condolences.  Having to take care of a sick parent, and then having to watch them die, is very difficult. That’s a situation that could easily cause your boyfriend to be severely stressed, and depressed. Everyone reacts differently to these types of situations. Typically, people want to be consoled by the people they are closest to. Often these types of situations draw people closer together, not push them farther apart. However, some people need space to deal with their grief-like your boyfriend-and it’s important you honor that. It sounds like you have.

However, we don’t think that’s what’s going on here. We unfortunately agree with your assessment: There will always be something with this guy. And his reaction to your sister, and then his subsequent action-going MIA again-is telling. What does you sister think? What does she say?

It’s also telling that he hasn’t wanted to introduce you to his parents. Most people who are serious about their prospective partner want their partner to meet their family, if not for the simple reason of letting their family know they are serious about the relationship they are in. This is a red flag.

We know this is very hard. It’s obvious you love this man, but are you really getting what you need out of this emotionally? You keep asking him to give you some sort of sign that he’s committed for the long term and all you get are deflections. If after four years he’s still not sure, he probably will never be sure about your relationship and you.

Contrary to popular belief, guys can commit to a relationship. Usually we know right away how committed we want to be. It’s a combination of where we are in our lives, how comfortable we are with ourselves, and how attracted we are to the woman….plus a few other variables like does the woman get along with our friends, is she fun, is she smart, and is the sex good. Four years is a long time to be unsure, especially since neither of you are in your early twenties.

We hope this gets you thinking a bit. You have to keep talking to him. Communication is so important in a relationship. You are not being too pushy here. You deserve to know the truth. And if he can’t provide the answers you’re looking for, you’re going to have to make the decision to stay or go yourself.

Good luck. Don’t settle. You deserve to have someone who loves you and respects you the way you want to be loved and respected.

THE GUYS

Cucch and Sae share results from the latest poll: Must haves for the weekend.

Go to The Guys’ Network to view results. Topping the poll was: Making Sweet Love. David Duchovny, of the hip Showtime series, “Californication” has an opinion on the term “Making Love.” Click the link to listen to his quote. Listen to the show to hear Sae’s opinion.

Some other choices for the weekend were:

Playing sports, cooking, spending time with the family, drinking a cold libation, etc. Even our President is getting into the weekend action.

In Father Stories Sae shares a story about his daughter Maya, which brought up a larger question for both Cucch and Sae. As our kids mature, and get older, how do our roles change as fathers? Cucch shares a story of his own.

Next, Cucch and Sae answer your relationship questions in the Ask the Guys segment.

Courtney asks: Is he into me?

Teresa asks: Am I too young to wait out my long distance relationship?

If you have any relationship questions, dating questions, or general questions about guys, leave us a note on the Ask the Guys page, or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS. We’ll try to answer them on our next show, or on the Ask the Guys page. And be sure to read some of the archive. We’ve been asked a lot of interesting questions.

InThe Stream of Consciousness we spin the big wheel just once, and it falls on Stripping. Who put that up there?!! Suprisingly, both Cucch and Sae have a lot to say on the topic. Or maybe not surprisingly?

In THE MEAT we discuss creative date ideas. From indoor picnics, to rollerblading, we share what’s worked for us in the past, AND present. Because it’s important to keep dating even when you’ve been together a long time.

For other creative date ideas check out these great sites.

The Art of Manliness

Nifty Date Ideas

All Swagga

If you haven’t had a chance to leave us a review on itunes, we’d certainly appreciate it if you did. (Five star reviews are most welcome. Thanks!)

Enjoy!

[podcast_display]

TGP Episode 31: Date Ideas, A Father's Changing Role, Awkward Strippers [ 59:23 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

For relationship questions, leave us a note here, or call us at: 347-855-GUYS. If you call, we’ll likely play your question on our podcast: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, where we also answer relationship questions. Please subscribe.

Also check out Monday’s question: Long Distance Relationship: Am I doing the right thing?

Also check out yesterday’s question: My old flame: I’d like to try again.

Check out our whole archive of questions. You may find one that will help you figure out your situation. Scroll down.

Dear Guys,

Okay, so I used to crazy for this guy Matt. He was my neighbor and we used to be friends.  We would talk and blah blah blah all that kinda stuff.  I was 17 and he was 23.  One time I asked him to hang out with me and he said okay.  He was going to help me study for an exam and I said I’d call him later.  I did and he didn’t pick up the phone or ever called me back.  Then the next week he moved and we never spoke again.   That was the end of October.

Now I’m 18, and he texted me yesterday asking me how I was. At first I didn’t know it was him because I deleted his number after he didn’t call me back. And I figured it out without asking him but I decided to ask who it was anyway because I felt like being mean.  He told me it was him and I didn’t text back. So now  he’s all like, “So you dont want to talk to me huh?” And I’m like WTF, I talked to you when you still lived here.  Then, he texts me at 10pm the other night wanting to hang out and I was like okay but I’m not driving to your house 30 minutes away. You can come to mine and then he was like oh nevermind I’ll call you tomorrow and he never did.

What is his deal? Is he into me or not?

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for writing to us.

We have one question for you: Why in the world would you agree to hang out with him when he texted you at 10pm!!??? Please say you won’t do that again. That’s not a path you want to with guys.

So to your question: He’s into you, but only when it’s convenient for him. It’s time to move on and meet some new guys, preferably closer to your own age.

Here are a few things to think about. Please relay these to your friends as well.

1. If a guy only texts or calls the evening he wants to see you, he only wants one thing from you-sex. Bad news.

2. A six year age difference at 17 is huge, especially if the girl is younger. When you’re in your twenties it’s not that big of a deal, and when you’re even older  it doesn’t matter at all. But for now, stick to guys closer to your age. Girls, you gotta ask yourself, why is this guy not going out with girls/women his own age? Answer: Because they’re not interested in him. Hmm……

3. Boys, guys, men-should ask you out on proper dates, not just to hang out at their apartments or cars late at night.

4. Don’t settle. Be true to yourself and find someone who respects you, and loves you, not just someone who wants to have sex with you.

Good luck Courtney.

THE GUYS

For more thoughtful conversation on guys, or to participate in our weekly poll, check out: The Guys’ Network

In the News: The Beatles finally give it up to itunes. And once again, it seems like we just can’t get away from an Apple being an integral part of man’s AND woman’s existence.

But, Glee still takes the prize. Read it on: Death and Taxes.

On Pet Peeves, Sai discusses his cell phone answering service conspiracy.

THE MEAT: We discuss Thanksgiving and all that it means to us. What do YOU think about the following Thanksgiving items?

Turkey, stuffing, babies, traffic, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, family dynamics, football, Black Friday.

Some of these are our Top 3, and some our Drop 3. Can you guess which are which?

Cucch’s Mom’s Thanksgiving Sausage Stuffing:
Note:  this recipe makes about double what you need to stuff a 20-24lb. turkey

8 lbs. potatoes, diced, cooked and coursely mashed
3 lbs. Jimmy Dean sausage.  (3 of the 1 lb. tubes)
3 large onions diced
3 lbs. lean ground beef
4 eggs lightly beaten
1 ½ TBS of poultry seasoning blend
1 tsp. sea salt
½ – 1 tsp. black pepper
Cook and rough mash or rice the potatoes setting aside to cool.  Saute onions, sausage and ground beef (in batches if necessary) drain excess fat and set aside to cool.  When potatoes and sausage mixtures are cool, combine and mix in beaten eggs, poultry seasoning, salt and pepper.  Follow safe guidelines about stuffing your turkey.  Any extra stuffing can be cooked in a separate casserole dish for about the last 45 minutes that your turkey is in the oven.  Baste the additional stuffing lightly with turkey juices when you baste the turkey.  To be safe the stuffing both in the turkey and any casserole dishes should reach at least 165 degrees.  Enjoy!

Ask the Guys:

Danielle – What is the difference between being nervous and a jerk?

and

Hellen – Lights off? What the hell does he mean by that??!!

TGP Episode 19: The Beatles, Conspiracies, Giving Thanks [ 43:58 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Pet Peeves: Bumper Stickers, Movies and Morning Breath

Ask the Guys: A question of condoms?

THE MEAT: Sex and Religion

TGP Episode 17: Sex and Religion [ 38:05 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played.

We get tons of questions about “getting played.” We’re going to keep this short and sweet and address them all at once. If you think you’re getting played, and your friends think you’re getting played, it’s likely you are getting played.

You’ve heard the expression, “Things aren’t what they seem.” Well that is true in many cases. But in relationships, things are sometimes just as they seem.

Here are some obvious red flags to consider.

1. Doesn’t return phone call.

2. Returns phone call a week later.

3. Only texts or calls when (he/she) wants to come over and, um…”Hang Out.” Translate: Have sex.

4. Blows you off, then starts dating someone else, only to come running back to you, after they break up.

5. Ignores you when you’re with a group of people, but then totally changes when you’re alone.

We’re just getting the list started. Please add your own here and help a friend, or even someone that you don’t know.

THE GUYS

We’ve had many of our readers wonder about THE GUYS. Well today we’d like to answer some of your questions. So here goes:

You: Is it just one guy or are there a bunch of guys?

Us: The site was started by Sai, aka “One of the Guys” as a dating website writing descriptions for online profiles, but it’s morphed into much more. (Yes, we still do that.) But now we have five other guys contributing to various parts of our site, including the blog, podcast and creative team.

You: So then why the singular Guy’s Perspective.

Us: Guy is a singular term. Basically we are presenting the perspective of the guy, or a guy. How does a guy think? What does he do? What motivates him? What is his next move? Since we’re all guys, we feel we have a pretty good handle on this. Also, The Guy’s Perspective just looks better than The Guys’ Perspective.

You: How old are you guys?

Us: Old enough to know that we don’t know everything. But seriously, most of us are in our thirties and forties. However, we certainly can remember our teens and twenties. Those kinds of memories don’t fade; good and bad!

You: What makes you qualified to talk about relationships?

Us: We’ve gained a lot of insight from our own dating experiences, plus marriage and fatherhood. However, we don’t necessarily have more qualifications than anyone else, just that we’re able to bounce ideas off each other and really discuss all topics thoroughly.

You: What are you guys into besides talking about relationships?

Us: We’re into everything and anything. Here are some interesting tidbits about us.

These are from various guys.

-I love Terry Gilliam movies.

-I possibly make the world’s finest apple crisp.

-I run a beverage company by day.

-I’ve played the piano at Yoshi’s Jazz Club.

-I hate every one of the 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

-I once wanted to travel around the country playing pick up basketball.

-I wore my baseball uniform every day to first grade.

-The songs most played songs on my ipod are: “Going in the right direction” by Robert Randolph. “Local Hero” by Mark Knopfler. “Pride and Joy” by Stevie Ray Vaughn.

-Favorite movies of ours: “Shawshank Redemption” “Pulp Fiction” “Bourne Identity” “Forrest Gump” “Slumdog Millionaire.” Actually the list could go on and on.

-I own a mandolin.

-I am searching for a Jesus shaped spirituality.

-I owned a standard poodle as a kid. She famously jumped out of the second floor window and survived.

-I climbed El Capitan, and slept five nights gaming from a hammock on the wall. (He’s insane!)

-We have 12 kids between us. No grandchildren.

You: Thanks for clearing some things up for us. Can we keep asking you questions as we think of them?

Us: Sure. Ask away. We won’t promise that we’ll answer all of them, but we’ll do our best.

You: Last question. Are you really as nice as you try to portray here?

Us: Yikes. Do you mean, are we really that square? Or are you asking if we’re hiding something?

You: Both.

Us: Let’s put it this way, none of us have criminal records, or anything like that. Jeez! And as far as being square, no question would shock us. We’re not as shy as we seem, and we like talking about everything, even sex. Yeah, we said it. Yes, there’s a little bad boy in all of us.

THE GUYS

Any more questions? Ask away! (We’re not promising, but we’ll do our best.)

Readers, 

Also read,  Part 2: I was Tiger  AND   Part 3: Inner Child

The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.

These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.

But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”

So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree (some of  you will), agree (we hope you might) or share your personal experiences.

Thanks,

THE GUYS
“Cheating” by One of the Guys 

Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!

But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?

That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.

For Example:

Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?

Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?

Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?

What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?

Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.

Here is one example:

Mr. Do the Right Thing

A friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”

He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”

I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”

He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”

I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)

And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)

Another Example:

Mr. Cool

This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.

I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”

He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”

I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”

He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”

I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means.)

He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”

I said, “Hmmm……………”

After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.

If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.

But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.

When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.

So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?

Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?

Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?

I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)

Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:

“Well why won’t they have sex with you?

What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?

Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?

Or talk to them?

Or help around the house?

Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”

But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.

But bottom line. It’s complicated.

So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.

Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”

To ask us a question, use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page. 

Other posts on cheating:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on? 

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth? 

Is my boyfriend a cheater? 

If you have questions, we have answers. If you’d like to ask us a relationship question, contact us through email at: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks,

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

After reading your post last week, I realized that maybe you could answer a question for me. My boyfriend and I fight occasionally. But afterwards he wants to have sex before things are resolved. And that’s about the last thing on my mind. In fact, it just makes me more upset and makes me feel kind of used. What do you think?

Jodie

Dear Jodie,

Thanks for writing, AND reading.

Well, this is spelled out in three words, Make-Up Sex! Which can be some of the most exciting action you can have as a couple. No, we’re not telling you to get in more fights, but this type of sex can often be more, um, let’s say, Animated!

But you bring up a good point. It’s all about WHEN the make-up sex actually happens. Therein lies your issue. Your boyfriend is ready much more quickly than you are.

Well, isn’t that the truth!!

Guys are generally ready faster with a lot of things, so why not with making up too?

Here’s the deal. Guys deal on a very physical level. As boys we play rough. As teens we vie on athletic fields and then in offices as we get older. We like all things physical. It’s also the way we show our affection and the way we connect with the people in our lives. For us, being physical IS the way we bond. Sure, we can connect in other ways too, we’re not as shallow as we’re portrayed in the media or in book clubs across the country, but our method of choice is to be physical………and in your case, this is how your boyfriend is trying to reconnect with you.

So your issue makes total sense to us. However, that being said, our answer doesn’t really solve your problem. Just because you understand it, doesn’t mean it’s working for you. But you’ll have to address that yourself.

The best way to introduce your concerns and feelings is when things are going well. Maybe you’re out to lunch on a Saturday afternoon, and you’re both feeling good and happy, you bring it up casually. Try to make it non-accusatory and he might actually internalize what you’re saying.

So good luck. And try to let yourself enjoy the making up part. It sounds like you two have some good chemistry and that’s a nice plus in a relationship. When he stops wanting to have make-up sex, that’s when you know you’ve really got a problem!

THE GUYS

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

Dear Guys,

I recently dated a guy who I liked quite a lot. We went out for about six weeks and seemed to have a great time together. He said he was very attracted to me, but he was nervous about having sex with me. He said his life was too overwhelming with the current divorce proceedings under way and so he didn't want to make things more confusing. I was fine with that. Like I said, he was a great guy. But it became clear to me that the relationship wasn't going to go any further than a friendship. He pretty much said he wanted to just be friends. And I actually think he was being serious and valued our friendship a lot. We did… AND do…. have a great time together.

I'd like to have him as a friend, but the problem is I'm still attracted to him. Will this work? What do THE GUYS think?

Anonymous

Dear A,

Our first reaction is to say, forget him. Unless the friendship you have with him is so unique you can't replace it with anyone else, this situation is just going to make you frustrated and angry. Don't you have enough friends already?

Sure, two people can be friends after breaking up but it's not that common. Some of the GUYS have managed to do this, but it's not the easiest road to take, especially if one party is hoping for something more. And that's the key for you. This guy has made it pretty clear he just wants to be friends. And when a guy says that believe us he means it, otherwise he's doing everything he can to get you in bed. So if you think you can change his mind, you're going to be disappointed. Although, stranger things have happened. But it's very unlikely.

Women seem better at evaluating relationships and compartmentalizing each piece. So a woman might be more apt to try to salvage a great friendship even if the guy is the one that broke up with her. (Ladies please let us know if we're way off base here! We're complimenting you, but don't let us get out of line.) But GUYS are different. If a woman breaks up with a GUY he might pretend to be a friend, but only because he's still secretly hoping for sex. But generally he's OUTTA there once it's over!

So you decide. Is the friendship worth the possible pain? And ask yourself this. If he starts seeing someone else, are you going to feel like being a supportive friend then?

Good luck.

THE GUYS