The Guy’s Perspective

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

I need your advice. I like a guy, so I added him in on Facebook. Well, he accepted it but then later on I found out he deleted the news feed in his wall which showed that he was friends with me. He did not do it for his other friends.

Do you think I better look for other guys because to I feel like he’s saying he’s not interested in me despite the fact that I know one of his girl friends has been teasing him when she happened to read the news feed about our friendship Before he deleted it)?

Thanks,

Nyita

Dear Nyita

Thanks for writing to us.

Maybe we’re a bit out of touch, but does adding a guy on Facebook automatically mean you like them? If  that’s true, then we must have a ton of girlfriends that we are unaware of.

Facebook interactions should never replace face-to-face communication, but that’s what’s happening more and more. Social networks are fun to join, but they aren’t for matters of the heart. They are best for keeping in touch, sharing exciting news, posting pics—but not the kind you’ll regret later—and for other simple things like that. Once you try using it for me serious matters its inadequacy is exposed.

It’s time to move on Nyita. This guy does not seem interested. And he handled the situation very poorly. We’re sorry about that. However, this doesn’t mean you should feel the need to start looking for another guy right away.

We think you should spend time with your friends and do what you need to do with school and other activities. Focus less on finding a guy and more on some of the other things that make you happy. Your positive energy and outlook on life might just bring a new person to into your life. Sometimes the less we search the more the answers find us.

And please, keep your dating life off of Facebook.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. There is one way you can use Facebook. Join our fan page and let your friends know about us. Or even tell them face-to-face.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

Dear Guys,

Hi. There is this guy that reconnected with me via Facebook whom I knew from my childhood. He messaged me asking if I was so and so’s sister. I had no clue who he was. This is going back almost two months ago now. From then on we added eachother on Facebook and a week later we started speaking on the phone. We got along really well and we hit it off really quickly. He was always calling and texting me. Whether it was in the middle of the day or calls til late at night. He was the one always initiating them. I never took it as anything more then a friendship. He was divorced very recently from a suffocating marriage. He has two kids so alot of the times he would open up to me about his problems.

Anyhow two weeks later he had his friend visit him from another country. I started to see him let loose a bit and he wasn’t calling me as much as before. He started going out more and partying. I think he was making up for lost time from his marriage as he got married pretty young. I started to feel like he was brushing me off. One night I sent him a text saying pretty much that. He said he was not ready to offer anyone anything more then a friendship. He said he needs time for himself and that he hopes I understand that. I took offense because I never asked for much anyway. We talked more and worked out the misunderstanding. However, the next day I found out from a random girl via Facebook that this guy met some girl and he told her he wants to get to know her for something serious, and that he would like to meet her in person.

So to make a long story short, he’s been dating other women, but still talking to me. And he’s been giving me major mixed signals. And sometimes he’s not reliable, and texts but then doesn’t. I just wanted to get a male point of view on this.

Thanks,

Miss X

Dear Miss X,

Thanks for writing to us.

You really haven’t said what you want, so we’ll just assume that you’d like to have some sort of relationship with this guy, otherwise you wouldn’t be stressing over all of his actions.

The bottom line is, this guy isn’t ready. And we can’t blame him. Think about what he’s coming out of: a suffocating marriage. You said so yourself. The last thing he wants is, to be in another serious relationship, even if that person-you-is totally terrific. If you really think this guy is something special you’re going to need to be very patient. It might take a long time. And frankly he may never want to get serious again. People who’ve been married often have different attitudes about getting remarried once they’re divorced. We know a lot of divorced guys that say, “We will never get married again.”

The best thing you can do for yourself is sit on the sidelines for this one, because a lot of women are going to get played if they choose to connect with this guy. That’s what we think is going on with this other woman you mention, and probably will happen a bunch more times until he gets it out of his system, if he ever does.

If you enjoy his company, be his friend, but if you get more involved than that, you’re going to get hurt and be more confused. He’s just not ready yet.

THE GUYS

Let your friends know about us on Facebook, Twitter, or Face-to-Face. Thanks!

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago. I love it! Of course this irritates my wife to no end. She says, “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys, talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick. We like  having the work  done for us. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s ever so painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men, at insurmountable odds, under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd, that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more miscommunications via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many of these situations arose because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, humor are all lost when the written word isn’t carefully laid on the screen; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person is truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or just recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body. But I’m hoping I’m making some progress as my years tick away on this planet.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical, but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or one of my kids, is that they should feel like the only person in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.

What do you use social networks for?
How do you like to communicate?
Should relationships be conducted via social networks?

Check out podcast #8! On this site, and on itunes. Subscribe!

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago and now I hardly ever talk on the phone. Of course this irritates my wife to no end. “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys. Talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick, and instead enjoying the work being done for them. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s even more painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men at insurmountable odds; under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more problems with communication via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, and  humor all get lost when the written word isn’t carefully crafted; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person was truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical; but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or my kids, is that they should feel like the only one in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.
How do you think technology fits into personal relationships?

How do you use it?

What do you like about it?

What do you dislike about it?

Where do you think it’s headed?

Dear Guys,

I’m a middle aged woman dating again.  I’ve been dating a man for awhile. We had broken up for a period of time but got back together.  During that time apart he dated and was intimate with another woman.  He has a Facebook account as do I.  He blocked me but has this other woman he was with as a friend.  He also accepted a woman as a friend who he knew caused me a lot of problems in the past.  If he cared for me why would he keep them and block me?
Thank you for your input.

Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,

Thanks for writing. It seems Facebook issues have struck again. We’re sorry.

We’re not sure what it is about Facebook, My Space, and some of these other social networking sites, where people feel they can do or say anything without any repercussions. It’s like the wild, wild west but with no sheriff.

How long have you been back together? Is it possible you were blocked during the time of your break up and he hasn’t unblocked you yet? It’s at least worth a conversation, which is what we’re recommending in general. We think the best thing to do is to talk with your friend and see what’s going on. If you don’t like his explanation, or if he doesn’t give you one, it’s time to move on.

Our gut feeling is, he’s keeping his options open. If he is way into you why is he blocking you? What is your gut telling you? And why did you break up in the first place? Maybe those issues are still looming.

And one note about Facebook. It’s great for businesses who are trying to keep in touch with their customers or fans. (We have a fan page.) And it’s great for people who are curious to know what all their high school chums are up to. But it’s just a bit too public to use as a way to keep in touch on a regular basis. Email, or even that old relic, the phone, is a better alternative. That way, both you and the person you’re communicating with act as sheriffs.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS