Why is he secretive?

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Dear Guys,

I am a 23 year old woman and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for two years, and since I am currently a hard-up student nurse, we each live separately with our parents. For the most part we have a good and happy relationship.

However, my boyfriend has a general pattern of secretive behavior. I’m not entirely sure whether this is peculiar to him or our relationship.

Recently I attended a work funtion with him at the races. Some of his friends from work were also there with their girlfriends. I was chatting with these women when my boyfriend approached, and one of the girls latched on to him immediately. She said to him, “We had a great time when we went out clubbing before didn’t we? We should definitely do it again!” Since he’d never mentioned this girl and I didn’t know they had a prior association, I looked at him puzzled. I ignored it and continued to socialize with the group. Clearly, my boyfriend realized I had noticed this and kept bugging me and saying, “What’s wrong?! Talk to me?!” Even though I showed no signs of being upset and had no intention of discussing anything until there was an appropriate moment. Eventually I said “Look, it just bothered me a bit that you’d never mentioned socializing with those other girls or going out on those nights at all.”

Quite inapropriately defensive and accusatory at this point, he told me that he had covered it up because he thought I might be upset. I’ll make it clear at this point that I have never had any problems with him having nights out with the guys or whoever – it had just never been an issue for me. At points I have even encouraged him to get out and do it since I’d noticed he hadn’t for a while! Yet he’d anticipated it might upset me and went quite out of his way to hide it from me.

He also said that he often lied to me about how much he had to drink on nights out. For a long time he’s been telling me that he seems to have a bad reaction to alcohol after just a few pints at the most.  I’ve nursed him through many a horrible hangover. I’ve never had a problem with his drinking either, and I drink plenty myself, especially on a night out.

I felt wounded and humiliated and accused. Wounded to have been lied to and not trusted to be understanding or accommodating of his social needs. Humiliated to be finding out from other people. Accused of holding him to standards I’ve never held or expressed – of unreasonable reactions I’ve never had.

I am at a loss. I am now questioning the motivation for his (what seem to me, pointless) cover-ups and lies. I would be very interested to have some male insight into this! Is it reasonable to expect that a man might be secretive about such things for other reasons, or is it possible he’s hiding it because he’s up to no good? Is he hiding the extent of his drinking because he fears my thinking him irresponsible, or because he in fact is irresponsible?

Please help!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Clearly your boyfriend feels the need to hide things from you, and this says more about him than it does about your relationship, since you say you’ve been pretty supportive about him going out with his friends. So the question is: Why does he feel the need to be secretive? We see two possible reasons.

First Possible Reason:

Some guys have this idea that women in general can’t handle the truth. They have this antiquated notion that women are clingy, jealous creatures, best kept in the dark when it comes to “Boys night out.” This type of guy can be found at the local pub, downing pints, and laughing and complaining with his buds about his girl, all the while conspiring to come up with a good story to tell her when he gets home.

Second Possible Reason:

He’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing. We’re not saying he’s actually cheating on you, but he could be doing things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. And of course everyone’s definition of cheating is different. Some people consider flirting cheating, while for some it takes actual intercourse to breach the contract of a relationship.

But what bothers us the most is the way he reacted to you after you told him how you felt about being kept in the dark. He was clearly busted, and so instead of admitting it, and asking for forgiveness, or at least for a chance to explain it to you, he tried to deflect and put it all on you. This is not the greatest example of solid communication, and it’s not the type of behavior that’s going to help you solve other problems in the future.

Relationships are built on trust. And trust is exactly what’s missing from your relationship. If you want this relationship to move forward, the two of you need to start having some serious discussions about how you deal with problems, and the best way to communicate with each other.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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My man is still online dating

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Thanks so much.

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Dear Guys,

K, my boyfriend of two years was on dating sites the entire relationship. I caught him a few times and he said he canceled them and they were old accounts. So, I reactivated his accounts and the registration dates showed he only canceled after I dumped him. This was only in January when I dumped him. We reunited in February and he has not reactivated them since, but seriously, he was on there the whole frickin time! And he made it out that I was all insecure. We even went to a counselor!!! Also, the ideal match he was looking for was young enough to be his child and was completely different than me.

So, why is he with me if his dream girl is so different?

I am confused, and tired of being the one who is insecure and soooo hurt.

Thanks,

Desire

Dear Desire,

Thanks for your question.

We can totally see why you’d be upset by this. Not only was he sneaking behind your back, he also lied about it, and then tried to make it look like you were insecure. This is a trifecta of bad behavior.

Just because his dream girl is different than you doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. Guys often desire women who are different than the woman they are with, just for variety’s sake. It sounds cold, but it’s true. However, not every guy is going to act on his impulses like your man did. It’s okay for men to have fantasies—women have them too—but only as long as the fantasies don’t start to creep into real relationships—unless the fantasy involves both partners, and is mutually agreed upon.

Your man should not have been trolling for dates while the two of you were intimately involved, physically and emotionally. This kind of behavior is not okay.

Desire, you need to take a hard look at this relationship. Are you getting what you need? Or is it just causing you to feel more and more insecure? Your guy should be making you feel great about yourself. He should be loving, supportive, respectful, and kind. From what you say, he’s been none of those things. So why did you get back together with him? What makes him so attractive? Because you’ve got a lot of things missing here.

You deserve to have someone who treats you with respect, and someone you trust. Obviously if you’re reactivating his online dating account, you don’t trust him at all. And as you know, a relationship can’t thrive and grow without trust. So you need to figure out if this man can earn your trust again. Be true to yourself, and be honest with yourself. Only you can make that call.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

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Possible Porn Addict

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Dear Guys,

What does it mean when you are in a casual relationship with a guy and he wants to have nude pics or recordings?  Those could easily get into the wrong hands or be posted on the Net.

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Thanks for your question.

It means he thinks you’re hot, and that he’s into that sort of thing, and possibly has a porn addiction. And since it is a casual relationship, you’re right to be concerned with the video getting into the wrong hands, or landing on the internet.

Some couples will make videos of themselves for fun, but typically these are made solely for their own viewing pleasure, like their own personal porn movie.

In your case, this video sounds like it’s going to be part of a collection, something this guy watches when he doesn’t have “something or someone” going on. And when it’s over between the two of you, you’ll have no control over what happens to it, or who sees it. Yes, he’s not allowed to do that, but that doesn’t mean he won’t.

We say, it’s best to stay away from this sort of thing, unless you’re in a very committed relationship and/or you’re married.

We’d even go so far as saying, he might already be filming you without you even knowing it. Sorry to creep you out, but this strikes us as a possibility. You might want to chat with him a bit more about this, and let him know where you stand with things.

Keep us posted, and leave us a follow up comment.

THE GUYS

Boyfriend who has a history of doing unsavory things

If you have  a relationship question, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

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Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

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Hi Guys,

I originally posted this in the wrong section of your website.  Here it is again, in the correct section.  I really need your help on this one, Guys!  Thanx!…

From THE GUYS: We’re assuming names have been changed.

My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

Problems I’m having are these:

1) My boyfriend’s friend is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage.  She continually COMPLAINS ABOUT her current husband WITH my boyfriend. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend????

Diane and Joe say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him.  Why?  Because of his track record with women… 2 divorces, cheated on first wife 20 yrs ago, used this other woman over the past 3 years for oral sex, and pretty much admitted he used her even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

2) He is VERY protective of this “Diane” friend of his. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

3) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly disrespectful of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

4) Those two call each other daily. They visit each other’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as disrespectful of the relationship between my bf and I.

5) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. He doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
What do I do to resolve all of this?

I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

Thanx,

Ariana

P.S. ….Note to self: As I write this, I wonder, don’t I think enough of myself to NOT be with this man?  What am I doing?  Do I NOT respect myself enough, that I ACCEPT this stuff?

P.P.S. He says he “loves” me about 5-8 times a day.  I say it too.  He calls me every day, we visit eachother every day… we eat dinner together and hang out and talk, watch t.v., laugh, talk about work, say I love you, hug alot, hold hands, and even dance together. But I’m utterly LOST and confused.  I’m also AFRAID he’ll have sex with this “Diane” friend (if he hasn’t already over their “15 yr” so-called “friendship”

Oh, and WHY do I love this guy?  I love ALL the “OTHER” parts of him… except the “unsavory” stuff I mentioned above.  I try not to think about it – - it’s not easy.  I love his hugs and kisses, his softness toward me, the laughs we have, coffee together every morning, the sex, our dancing together, our long talks, and beautiful dinners at home together.  …I love just about EVERYTHING about Joe, except the crummy stuff (if that makes ANY sense).  I suppose one can’t separate the good from the bad, cuz it is all one package.  That’s why I’m so conflicted.

Where do I go from here, Guys.  What do I do?  What OF this DIANE chick?  Why does he choose such a “broken”, “messed up” (to use his words) friend as DIANE to be his BEST Friend (other than me, his supposed girlfriend)?

Too many questions, sorry, but this all hurts so much.  I feel SO conflicted.  I feel like I have no respect for myself, and well… I SHOULD.

Dear Ariana,

Thanks for writing to us.

We see multiple issues going on here. First of all you’ve only been dating “Joe” for six months. And while that is plenty of time to become very close, it pales in comparison to all the history he has with his friend “Diane.” They’ve known each other for 15 years, and have been through a lot of trying times together, which has brought them closer together, however unhealthy it may seem to you.

We commend “Joe” for sticking with his friend, even though it’s clear that she has many issues she needs to work through. (And those issues are way beyond the scope of what we talk about here.) It sounds like they need each other at this point, and maybe through their shared history, they actually help support one another. Remember, this friendship, or relationship, has been going on long before you were in the picture, so it would take a lot to supplant it. Your best approach is to try to understand it and get him to tell you why he values the relationship so much without accusing him, although it may be too late for this since it’s been such a source of discourse between the two of you.

Further more, there’s nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex as long as it doesn’t impinge on the primary relationship. However, in your case we agree with you; his relationship with her is starting to impact your relationship because of the close emotional ties he has with her. These ties don’t allow him to be truly open to someone new, but maybe he wants it that way. That’s a larger issue that also needs to be resolved. Why is this relationship so important to him, to the point where he refuses to include you and compromise any aspect of it?

We can’t speak to the physical aspect of their relationship. He says there’s nothing going on and you still wonder. So what’s that all about? Yes, his history is a bit “storied” but people can change. Sure some guys are serial cheaters, but sometimes it’s the situation that brings out that side of people. We don’t condone cheating on any level, but we understand that people are human, and sometimes when people feel trapped, or overwhelmed the behave in unsavory ways. It is true that once you cheat it’s easier to cheat again, but we also know guys who’ve cheated once and wouldn’t do it again. (So they say.) If you’re going to be in a relationship with this guy you have to accept his past and keep it in the past. You have to accept him for who he is now, because all of his past has defined him and made him the man you love—yes, even his moments of weakness with the “other” girl. If he is actually cheating on you currently that’s a whole other story. If that ends up being the case, then by all means you should move on immediately.

Ariana, you need to have trust in your relationship to be able to go the distance. You tell us all the reasons you love this man, but at the same time you don’t trust him at all. That’s quite a disparity, and no way to conduct, or advance a relationship. All it’s doing is making you confused, upset, anxious, and stressed out. And if it continues it will slowly whittle away your self-esteem, and cause resentment and anger. And it goes from there.

So, you need to get him talking. (Maybe couples counseling) If you can’t get him to understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where he’s coming from, we only see this relationship continuing in the same way it’s continuing. All this peripheral stuff: his friendship, his past actions, his stubborness, are all symptoms of larger issues going on for you and him. And in some ways you both seem like you’re struggling with some of the same things: self-worth and trust in other people.

Finally, sometimes relationships don’t work out simply because they are too hard. Meaning, sometimes there are so many things to deal with that the good times are constantly overshadowed by the weight of all the other issues. At some point you need to evaluate this relationship and decide if it’s going to work for you, and him. Love isn’t always enough. (And we hate to say that, because we believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy.)

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And feel free to ask another question down the road.

THE GUYS

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Hurt and Confused in long distance relationship

Check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

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TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

This week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

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Here are last week’s questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

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Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Dear Guys,

To make a long story short, I met a guy from a city 5 hours away through mutual friends.  We hit it off and started talking from then on.  He initiated everything, and texted or called me every single day.

I went to visit him 4 times over a 5 month period, and towards the end of the 4th month we decided to have sex.  We weren’t “official” but acted in every way like a long-distance couple.  We talked every single day, supported one another as I worked through my senior year of college and applied to graduate school, and he started a new job.  He still initiated 80% or more of our conversations, and remembered all the small things in my life, as I did in his life.

Once he started his new job he started to get depressed and stressed.  He was living alone in a new city and having a hard time adjusting.  I knew this, and tried to support him in every way I knew how to.  I never pushed a relationship status, because I felt comfortable with where we were at and confident of where we were going.

On the day I texted him to tell him I got into my top graduate school (5th month), he was happy for me, but we soon ended up talking about us as a couple.  He then said to me that he just couldn’t commit himself to anybody at this time, and that he liked me, but the time was too hard for him.  I was hurt, but knew that he was having a very hard time dealing his new job, and told him that he should do what he needs to do to be happy.

We talked twice within the next couple weeks, and exactly a month after we had our talk I found out that he was in a relationship with a girl he had met in his current city.

I’m not mad or jealous of this, but extremely extremely hurt.  I feel like I was used.  It hurts me to think that I wasn’t good enough for him to make me a part of his life.  I let all my guards down for this guy, and had no doubt in my mind that he did care for me.  I’ve never felt this way about a guy, and he expressed the same to me.

We haven’t talked at all since all this has happened, which makes me feel like he never even cared about me.  I’m just really really confused and hurt over this at a time in my life when I should be happy.  How could he start a relationship so fast when he told me he couldn’t commit to anybody at this time?

What happened?  Help! :(

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your note. We’re sorry you’re hurting so much. And we can understand why.

But first let’s focus on the positive. Congratulations on getting into your top school. You should feel very proud of that accomplishment; and you’re right, this is a very exciting time in your life and you should be happy. We’re confident that once you start school, and get into the groove there, you will see that maybe this will work out after all.

We’re not going to pooh pooh how you feel, or tell you this all happened for a reason, but we will say if we were in your shoes, we would be excited to arrive at our new destination with a fresh outlook and a clear mind. Having a boyfriend in some other city, especially a guy that gets depressed and stressed, would likely distract you from your primarily goal, which is to focus most of your efforts on yourself and your chosen academic field.

But having said that, we can see why you would be hurt and confused, and probably pretty soon, very angry. It’s hard to let your guard down and give yourself over to someone. Yes, it sounds like he was into you, but when things got more complicated he bailed. That should give you an indication of what kind of guy you were truly dealing with.

Long distance relationships are ripe for these types of problems. Without the day to day connections that build the foundation for a long term relationship, things can go south pretty quickly, often with one person-you-not even being aware of it. It’s less about the people and more about the situation. Some people can handle this type of separation because they have clear convictions, loyalties, and a strong sense of self. You would fall into this category. Your “guy friend” would not.

The reason this is such a surprise to you is because you didn’t know him the way you thought you did. And once again this is where the long distance piece can skew the entire picture. He may have been charming, fun to be with, interesting, and exciting; but most people can keep that up for a weekend, or even a week. However, day in and day out, the realness of people is exposed. We think this realness is a good thing in the long run, because long term relationships are much more satisfying, albeit not necessarily more exciting all the time, than flings, or casual dating. You never got to see the real him, until now. So you, along with countless other men and woman in long distance relationships, were blinded by the excitement of the situation, and the limited access to the actual person.

We hope you understand that he wasn’t the guy you thought he was. And this means that once you get over the hurt, it will become clearer and clearer to you that you are exactly in the place you need to be. Don’t let your ego fill you up with anger. Move on and throw yourself into your studies. You’re about to embark on an adventure, and what better way than to arrive at school with a mind and heart completely open to possibilities. That’s a wonderful place to be in life.

And who knows what or whom is waiting around the corner.

So enjoy,

THE GUYS

 

Jealousy: Friends of the opposite sex

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If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

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This Week’s Questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Questions to come:

Break up confusion?

Cheating?

Confused single mom

Am I  being played?

Vegas Trip?

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for many years off and on. This time around (which is the last time) we are both making the effort and planning towards marriage.  A tentative date is set (2012) but no ring yet.  It is my belief that it’s not official until a ring is on my finger.

Now to my question.  What should I think about him when he thinks I’ve slept with every one of my guy friends? And he does not believe me when I say that I have not.  Actually, I have not.  As I said before, we have been together for many years.  This is the first time he has ever questioned my faithfulness or truthfulness.  He said he is willing to work through this with me but I believe this is an attack on my character to the highest point.  From my perspective, I have done nothing with other men while with him.  Even my regular guy friends he is confident that I have f*** them!

What should I make of this?

Diane

Hi Diane,

Thanks for writing to us.

The fact that he doesn’t trust you is a problem, and a big red flag. Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship, and if it’s not there you have to figure out why it isn’t, or what happened to it, and try to inject it back into your relationship.

Maybe your man has always been this way and you just didn’t notice it; and now his insecurities are getting the best of him. If this is true, he’s unlikely to change. If not, and this is truly new behavior on his part, you need to figure out why he’s started to feel and act this way.

Is there a reason he all of a sudden thinks you’ve slept with your friends? You say you’ve never done anything, so why is he so jealous? Like we said, if he really has always been this way, but you’re just noticing it now, or it’s just starting to bother you now, then it’s a real problem. But if something happened that is now causing him to be suspicious of you, please get to the bottom of it. Talk to him. Find out what’s really going on.

Some thoughts about friends of the opposite sex for all readers.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but you have to tread carefully. Going out on the town, or to bars, or to dinner, or doing things that typically you’d do with your spouse or boyfriend is not really okay. Also having close emotional bonds with other men(for women), and women(for men) can also be a problem; like having a friend of the opposite sex you confide in, and talk to about things you can’t or won’t talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about. Some women-and men-think this is okay, but the best test is the reversal test. How would you feel if your partner was confiding in one of their friends, and talking about your relationship, or talking intimately with some other person and not you? It’s likely you wouldn’t like it so much.

We’re absolutely not saying being in a relationship should restrict a person from having friends of the opposite sex, but we are saying, always be respectful and consider your partner’s feelings. And ask yourself, is your behavior truly being respectful of your partner?

You don’t give us enough information Diane, but the man in your life should feel like he’s the most important person in your life, and he should make you feel the same way. Neither of you should have to compete with each others friends.

However, if you can’t think of any good reason that he might be jealous, then this could potentially be an issue for both of you. Without trust, relationships eventually fall apart.

Good luck to both of you.

THE GUYS

Trust in the modern world

Trust in the Modern World by Saelen Ghose

In a world where we are all connected by the touch of a button or the click of a mouse, trust is declining faster than the oil spilling out beneath the ocean floor. It seems counterintuitive to think that as the world becomes smaller, we trust our fellow humans less, but it’s happening before our very eyes. It’s possible we just don’t like what we see.

Information isn’t dispersed anymore, it’s shot out through one of those T-shirt launchers on the “juice.” A kid can’t forget his lunch box at school without it being on the news. And the news is no longer just newspapers, magazines, television and radio. It’s also blogs, forums and every social networking site on the web. We are inundated with information, and this plethora of news, accurate or not, is causing us to live inside little bubbles, creating even more divisions within a country already divided by politics, faith and ethnicity.

I’m not saying ignorance is bliss. It’s not. I’m also not saying we should return to the days where information was disseminated by horseback, or by young boys yelling the headlines in crowded city streets. However, too much information has a paralyzing effect on us and causes us to question everything and everyone. And overanalyzing sure takes the fun out of life’s adventures.

Let’s examine the sports world for a second. I don’t trust anything I see anymore because every time there’s a feel good story, there’s another not-so-feel-good story behind it. Take the summer of 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa battled for the most storied record, possibly in sports history. What a magical summer that was!! That is, until it was tainted by admission of steroid use. In fact, now I question every one of the great sports stories in the last ten years because I just don’t trust what I see anymore.

It only begins with sports, but it’s part of every facet of our lives. The news tells us of predators lurking at every corner, and politicians having affairs, and corporations lying to the world. And we don’t receive just the basic facts about these events, but all the lurid details behind the facts, reported over and over and over. We never have to worry about missing something either. If we miss it the night it happens, we surely won’t miss it the next day, or the next week. It’s news to match the fast pace of our lives, but it’s overkill.

Now don’t call me a hypocrite please. I realize you’re reading this in the newspaper and that’s a good thing. I’m not complaining about news sources, but more how we process the news and what we do with the information. It’s important for us to be informed and up to date with what’s happening in the world. But let’s start thinking for ourselves again shall we? Isn’t that what we try to teach our kids; not to let peer pressure guide them? Haven’t we all said, “Would you jump off that bridge if Johnny or Sue told you to?”

But here we are ignoring our own advice and letting everyone tell us how to think. And what’s the common theme in this message? Don’t trust anyone. Those OTHER people are bad. They don’t look like you, they don’t think like you, they don’t pray like you, so they must be bad people. Stay away from them and keep to yourself. And we are all guilty of this paranoia. Sure it’s normal to gravitate toward people that are similar to us, but how do we know how similar or different they are without actually having a conversation?

Technology has provided us the power to reach anyone on this planet in a matter of seconds. But this technology can only introduce us to the world. We actually have to leave our houses and explore for ourselves in order to take advantage of that introduction. And surely that’s a lot more interesting than sitting behind our desks.

So if you see me out and about in the world, stop and say hello. I won’t bite. Trust me.

 

Is he stubborn or just not into me?

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This Week’s Questions:

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Dear Guys,

I met this guy in like August or September and he still occasionally texts me to hang out-not everyday, but like a couple times in a week. But then he won’t text me for a while.

He does a lot of things that confuse me a bit, but recently he does this thing where he will text me to hang out and I’ll say, “Yeah.” And then after my response he won’t text me back. What is the point of that? He’s done that two or three times, and the most recent time I turned him down cause I was working. Another time I just didn’t see his text, so I responded a few days later when I saw it.

Sooo is it possible he thinks I’m playing him and he’s doing it in return? Because I do have a history of being flaky with him, but not recently.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for writing to us.

We have a question for you. Why do you two only text with this guy? It seems to us that you need to do less texting and more actual talking.

Yes, some of his actions are confusing, but to us, the way both of you are conducting yourselves in this “relationship” seems confusing. Texting in general often leads to misunderstanding. Please talk to him by phone or in person and square some things away.

And Kate, you need to decide if you’re really into this guy, or just into him right now. It’s not like your getting a whole lot from him. If you really are into him start talking to him about how you feel, and see if you can get some information from him about where he stands. If you’re not really that into him, find someone who is going to be more reliable. Reliability is an important quality to have in a partner. It’s a first cousin of trust.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Is cheating ex playing me?

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Next Up:

Four years and counting

Did he care at all?

Break up confusion

Dear Guys,

My ex cheated and said he wanted me back, but he barely makes an effort to do so. When I say I don’t want to see him, he goes about his day and doesn’t even try to persuade me to come over to talk. He doesn’t even call. I’ve asked him to go to counseling-he refuses, but continues to ask me out. I tell him we need to fix the root cause of our problems and not ‘bandaid’ everything.

Now he is ignoring me since I wouldn’t meet him at the pub last night, as if he’s punishing me. I love him, but without his cooperation, what else can I do?? Thanks!

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thanks for writing to us.

Unfortunately the answer to your question is nothing. Without his commitment to working on himself and the relationship, your hands are tied.

People have to want to change. They have to want to take the steps necessary to get the things they want. If he’s not working on himself and making some changes then maybe his actions are telling you something.

Sometimes it takes much larger consequences for people to make changes. Maybe he doesn’t feel the need to change because he knows you’re always going to keep giving him chances?

And what about the cheating? Have you found out why he cheated on you in the first place? Has he apologized and asked for forgiveness? Have you seen any remorse from him?

Laura, you have to decide what you want and be clear to yourself and him. If you want him back but only if you go to counseling together, then you need to say that to him. If you want just him to go to counseling then you need to be clear with him. Just be aware if you go this route, you need to be prepared for any possible scenario. And one possible scenario is that he might leave for good.

Our suggestion. Give this some thought and decide what you want out of your relationship. If you feel that the two of you can work something out, and that you can learn to trust him again, then by all means give it a shot. But relationships involve more than one person, and you shouldn’t be doing all the work. Obviously you value your relationship, but does he? We can’t answer that, only you can….and him.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

Guy trips, My Space, and that other girl

Dear Guys,

My husband takes an annual celebrity golf trip where no wives are supposed to go. He has told me there is nothing much for us to do. While up there, the men get all meals paid for, comps to strip clubs if they want, and are transported  to local bars in limos everywhere.

The last trip he made before we dated/got married, as this was in the same year, a female friend known to be provocative and an attention grabber, had just broken up again with her fiance and was in the area with six of her friends. She called my now husband and partied with them for about six hours. This same woman left a message on his My Space page when she did know we were dating and about to be engaged. She wrote, “You’re alone, and so am I..  And no engagement is going to change that.. Let’s go out and party one last time before we both walk down the aisle of hell”.

I asked him to take down his page, which he did, and he has also not gone to the golf tournament either. She knows when it is every year and according to my husband, he says there are only six bars in Buffalo anyway, so they would have run into them at some point anyway.. And did I mention this chick hooked up with one of the guys? Am I wrong to ask him to take down his My Space when he is 40 and she was 27 when it happened? Yes it is a trust issue.

This woman left other comments as well to make me think she wanted him. That in conjunction with her behavior made me uneasy. My husband says if he saw her out up there he would leave the bar she was at. I don’t know. He thinks I am wrong because this happened before we were married. And dare I mention that this same chick went out with them to a strip club and had a 40 minute lap dance while he was at a bachelor party? Again another place and time where wives and girlfriends didn’t go.

What do you think?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for writing. This is a lot to absorb. We’ll do our best to help you figure this out.

We’re not exactly sure what’s going on by your note, but here’s what we think you’re asking. Should he have taken down his My Space page? Should he not have any interaction with this woman? Or should he not go to any more of these “golf” weekends? Or all of the above?

First of all, this is absolutely a trust issue, mainly on your part. So why are you feeling so unsure about your husband?  Since you’ve been married has your husband given you any reason to doubt his faithfulness? You don’t really say. Jennifer, what happened before you two were exclusive is really none of your business. Well, that’s not totally true, but it’s only your business if it impacts your relationship. Otherwise it’s just part of the many experiences that make your husband who he is. And that’s someone you love, right?

We agree, this woman seems like bad news, at least for your relationship. We don’t know her personally, so she might be a perfectly fine person, but she’s obviously attracted to your husband, or she’s attracted to the fact that he’s not available to her. Either way, he needs to stay away from her and make it clear to her that he’s not interested and not available. Hopefully she’ll get the hint and keep her distance.

Otherwise it doesn’t seem like your husband is really doing anything wrong. Of course many woman wouldn’t be comfortable with him going on a weekend outing, visiting strip clubs, and doing what some guys like to do, but if that’s not a problem for you, it’s not something that’s inherently wrong. As long as he’s not doing anything more than looking and hollering.

His My Space doesn’t seem like a big deal. It’s more a matter of WHY he has one, wouldn’t you say? If he’s trolling for women or keeping his options open, that’s a major problem. But if he’s there to socialize a bit or promote his band, or just because it’s fun, it’s probably harmless enough.

So the the question is, do you trust him?

Jennifer, you two need to have a sit down and hash all this stuff out with him. It will put your mind at ease, and help him understand where you’re coming from. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. You’re entitled to your feelings, but don’t put him on the defensive. Let him have his say too.

Good luck and keep us posted. We hope you get the answers you need.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. To ask THE GUYS a question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page and leave us a note.

Is my relationship over?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 16 months. Things were great in the beginning as they usually are, but fast forward to now and they’re not. It all started when I suggested he visit a guy friend who needed to “talk.” Well, he didn’t come home that night. So, me being the “Leo” sign that I am, I left the house and figured two can play at this game. I went to a graduation party, leaving before he arrived. This of course blew up into a HUGE fight and the outcome was that he wanted out. He was done. We had done this dance before and we would always “kiss and make up.” This time was different. He meant it.

He has a problem with the fact that I’ve kept ties to my ex and his family. I have two boys from my previous marriage, 17 and 15. I consider them all to be family and this eats at my current boyfriend, even though my ex has tried to be friendly with him and talk to him at gatherings.

My boyfriend was also married twice before with two kids from his first wife. He sees the kids only in the summer. Other than that he has no ties with his ex.

So back to my question. At first I agreed we were done. I’m 39 and he’s 38 and we’re too old for games. However, the more I thought about our relationship and what we have overcome, the more I wanted to stay and try again. So I convinced him to stay and give it another go. I of course would need to cut ties to me ex-family and revive our sex life, which has fallen off. However, I’m not sure he really wants to try. He says he does but his actions say otherwise. He used to text me 200 times a day,(Exaggeration)but now he sends me 5 a day, maybe. He stopped letting me know what he is doing to the point to where I don’t know where he is and sometimes whether or not he’s coming home. I told him that if we were to work on our relationship it has to be both our efforts and I don’t see much coming from him.

What’s going on? Do I let the relationship go, even though we agreed to try?

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for writing. That’s a lot to digest!

First of all we commend you for having your priorities straight. The fact that you and your ex-husband work hard at maintaining an amicable relationship says a lot about your character. Divorce is never ideal, but it certainly is much more healthy for the kids if the parents are on the same page and are working together.

Your relationship with your current boyfriend seems to be missing an important element that is vital for any relationship: TRUST! For some reason he doesn’t trust you to be with your ex and your previous family, and you to a certain extent don’t trust him to be out with the guys. You don’t mention a reason for him to be suspicious of you so we can only speculate here. Our best guess is your boyfriend has trust issues in general. And frankly it seems odd that he isn’t more understanding of your situation since he is also divorced with kids. Obviously, it must be hard for him to not see his kids for 10 months every year so we can see how he might feel jealous and resentful of your situation. This is not your fault, but something to be aware of.

However, all is not necessarily lost yet. But he needs to show that he really wants to make this work. Right now he’s not doing that. In fact he’s doing his best to push you away and have you make the final decision. If he doesn’t change his behavior very soon, it’s time for you to move on. And honestly, if we were you, we’d already be gone. It just doesn’t sound like the two of you are in the same place in your lives, even if it looks like that on paper.

The good news, and bad, is that your kids will be grown soon. And once they’re settled and on their own, you probably won’t have as much contact with your ex. This might make it easier to get in a less complicated relationship down the road, with a person who might respect you for your loyalty and devotion to your kids. They may even embrace your ex’s family.

So Debbie, please don’t compromise yourself, your values, and your kids to be with this man. If he truly wants to make it work he needs to step up to the plate big time. And then you both need to talk, talk, talk, and try to come to some true understanding of each other. Otherwise we know there are many good guys out there for you to meet. Good luck!

THE GUYS

ps. Zach, her boyfriend left his side of the story in the comments section. Please read to get the entire picture before you make a comment.

To ask us a relationship question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page on the website and leave us a note. We also answer questions on our podcast.

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

 

 

 

Readers, 

Also check out: Part 1: Cheating  AND Part 3: Inner Child

Search our archives for many other posts on the topic of cheating. Or ask us a question of your own.

Go to the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a note.

Thanks,
THE GUYS

 

Written by “Mr. Nice Guy” the newest member of THE GUYS.

5 years ago I was Tiger.Relationship, job, personal life completely in shambles.Unfathomable amounts of pain and horrendous feelings of betrayal for my wife, family and friends.Fast forward to today and the picture is that of a faithful spouse and dedicated father with career on the fast track.Relationship with my wife is more close and real than ever before.

Is “Love” Addiction Real?

From my experience, absolutely.As a serial cheater, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, tried to stop several times, but ended up going back to my “high” as a way of coping.The rush addicts get from their drug is chemically pretty much the same whether that drug is alcohol, drugs, sex or food.And it’s not uncommon to get one under control and then have another one rage out of control.Lots of books on this.Patrick Carnes has written oodles on the topic.I know that since I’ve treated my susceptibility as an addiction, it’s been under control ever since.If you treat something like it’s an addiction and then it stops, I think the question of whether it’s an addiction or not becomes secondary.

Can Guys Change or Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Guys can absolutely change … both externally and internally.Been to your 25th high school reunion yet?If so you know the former is true.The internal changes are tougher.For me it was lots of therapy and TLC from spouse, friends and family.Guys’ (and gals’) brains get wired at a pretty young age and if the tendency to cheat gets wired in, it takes *a lot* of work to change that wiring, but it can be done.And it’s an ongoing process.

How Did My Wife Forgive Me?

I’m not sure how she did, frankly, so what I write below should not be interpreted as me speaking for her – just “best guesses” on my part.I do know that I am eternally grateful to her for taking me back and giving me a second chance.If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope I would show the same strength, character, courage and understanding and forgive her like she did me.We still have heated arguments over it (mostly me listening) and I definitely am still earning her trust back. Forgiveness for stuff like this is not a moment in time, but a long process which requires lots of discussion, reflection, listening etc. I think one key to her forgiving me was seeing how I was taking therapy and recovery program work very seriously.She also knew that I had a very strong track record of self-improvement and knew that I was determined to live a life of integrity and leave the underworld behind.When things first hit, the support of her family and an extremely talented therapist/counselor were absolutely critical in stopping the bleeding and establishing the desire to heal.My wife also knew the addiction/mental illness spectrum up close as several of our friends and family members have battled it for a long time.Her forgiveness has been transformational for both of us.I often wonder what our (and our kids) lives would be like if she hadn’t forgiven me.Her ability to forgive literally saved my life — I am forever grateful to her and love her more than ever.

Have You Had Experiences With This?

Have you ever taken someone back after a Tiger Woods like level of betrayal?Or have you (or some woman you know) been a female version of Tiger and been forgiven?My guess would be that cases like mine where forgiveness is granted are probably the exception not the rule.