The Guy’s Perspective

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Dating Older Men

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We have a serious backlog, but we are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible. Thanks for your patience. Anyone that DONATES to THE GUYS will be moved to the top of the queue, which means we will answer your question within 2-3 days. (See PayPal button on right side of any page.) Yes, we will still try to answer all questions, but questions unaccompanied by a donation become part of the general queue which has a three to four week delay right now. And of course it’s not possible to get to every one.

Please also keep in mind, that although your questions are personal, they are meant for public consumption on this site. Meaning, we’ll be answering them on our blog. (On the “Ask the Guys” page.)

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

Older Guy: Am I misinterpreting current relationship?

Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)

Cheating boyfriend: How do I know it won’t happen again?

Breakup then friends: What’s he thinking?

Break up confusion: Why did you do this?

Four years of confusion

Dear Guys,

I feel that I am losing feelings for my current boyfriend. There are a couple of issues with our relationship that I have brought up over the past eight months that we do nothing but fight over and get nowhere in the process.

So here is the issue: My boyfriend started playing World of Warcraft eight months ago which took up a lot of his time. I didn’t mind until it started affecting our activity level. He never wants to do anything besides play this game, eat, and watch TV. Of course, I fell into that with him—well, not the video game part. Eventually I wanted to break out of this. I would have to beg, plead and pout to get him to do anything else. Of course it left me feeling completely unsatisfied because he was not happy being out of the house.

I started doing things without him, but I wanted my boyfriend back! He wanted to move across the country, and I decided to move with him even though I felt extremely reluctant and hesitant about making such a big move when I was already not 100% sure about us. He eventually convinced me by saying things would be so different. They were different for the first two weeks, but two months later I am exploring the new area by myself because he is back to his video games. I don’t know anyone in the area, and after several applications for employment, I still haven’t been able to get a job. (Still trying daily though!)

We are also living with one of his buds and they play video games together in separate rooms, and go fishing, and do boy stuff, which is all fine with me, except I’m left by myself. I am trying to rationalize breaking up with him and moving back. I am depressed and unhappy. I wake up miserable every day and not even a shell of the person I used to be a year ago. He keeps telling me I’m going to regret breaking up with him. He says that I should not have any problem with him because he doesn’t go out drinking all the time, doesn’t cheat on me (but he has on all of his past relationships…besides our first month together I’m the first girl he hasn’t cheated on by this point in a relationship), he doesn’t beat me, and he tells me I’m pretty all the time. I congratulate him on being a good person, but surely he is not that naive.

Basically, from a guy’s perspective, is these good reasons for breaking up? Or am I being a tool?

Leslie

Dear Leslie,

Thanks for your question.

So our question to you is: What are you getting out of this relationship?

What strikes us the most are his priorities and where you fall in the mix. Here’s how we see it in descending order.

1. World of War Craft

2. His buddies

3. Other activities and outings.

4. You

In addition, does he really think he should be complimented for not cheating on you, or not beating you? If he thinks those are qualities that make him an attractive boyfriend he’s missing the point. Those are givens and should be assumed with any relationship you are part of. And we’ll be honest, a bunch of us laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement.

You need to take a hard look at your situation. Don’t sell yourself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. If you are able to get him more invested in your relationship there might be hope, but it may just be the two of you want different things out of life.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel.

“Boredom’s gift” by Saelen Ghose

Two Bored Boys

Boredom used to be a portal to creativity, a springboard of sorts, carving out space in the mind for ideas to enter. But the good old days of boredom are long gone, joining the Dodo Bird, Pet Rocks, and The Three Stooges on the path to extinction. Instead we’ve replaced them with gizmos, toys, and gadgets that keep our kids, and us, entertained and distracted. Why would we do that?

We’re afraid of boredom. It connotes laziness. It signifies either a lack of progress, or even worse, an unwillingness to progress. It’s also a state of mind that is unsettling at its core, because it forces us to sit and listen to ourselves think. And being reflective is not something that comes very naturally to us, mainly because we’re out of practice.

We’ve done our best to pummel boredom into extinction. We certainly don’t want our kids being idle. First we came up with TV, a mostly harmless device, delivering some entertaining shows and the nightly news. In fact the first televisions doubled as exercise equipment because viewers had to actually get up off the couch to change the channel. The remote soon took care of any cardio benefits, and cable expanded our choices of stations, keeping us tuned, but not very toned.

Then video games joined the fray, beginning with Pong, the ever so simple game we used to think was the coolest thing besides free toys in cereal boxes. Currently the video game industry is one of the fastest growing industries in the world, spewing out countless new titles every year, helping us keep boredom at bay.

Now we have ipods, smart phones, electronic readers, and a host of other devices that distract us from ourselves. Their universal ringtone is, “Thou shall not be bored.” And that’s a call that we can’t help but answer. However it’s boredom that leads to innovation. It’s boredom that forces us to dig deep to discover new twists and turns on existing ideas, and then help us figure out new ideas to replace them with. If we continue to shut off each faucet, soon all our faucets will run dry, and we’ll have no way of reaching our inner core. And that not only impacts us as individuals, it narrows the potential field of innovators, and limits us as a society.

I might be a parent, but I’m no dinosaur. I’m amazed at the technology of today. It’s a lot of fun to be able to send texts to friends, or look something up on the internet, or dial up a tune on an ipod. But those devices have made boredom obsolete. And I worry how that’s impacting the creativity of our future scientists, artists, doctors, and entrepreneurs.

Kids towed the “I’m bored” party line back when I was growing up. But back then parents would say, “Figure something out.” And we did. We’d leave for the day, and somehow come up with all sorts of things to keep ourselves entertained. Some of these things I shall not repeat for fear of incriminating myself. And some of the things we did-like careening off a 10 foot jump on our banana seat bikes with no helmets and not much space for a landing-make me wonder how I was able to even have kids. But our boredom caused us to reflect, take in our surroundings, and devise some plan. It was creativity at work, something that is sorely missing today.

I realize it’s a different time with different rules. I don’t let my kids roam around the neighborhood doing whatever they want. And I certainly have a better sense of what they’re up to-at least that’s the party line I tell myself. But there is something to be said for allowing kids to figure it out for themselves. There is something to be said, for giving ourselves some space to wonder. We don’t need to fill up every moment with “noise” because those quiet moments of reflection help us find ourselves. And that’s when creativity can germinate, and grow.

Do you think boredom and creativity are linked?

What do you do when your kids say they’re bored?

Copyright 2010

Read in The MetroWest Daily newspaper.

The Parent Gig(Episode 2): Boredom's Gift [ 5:15 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

We start out this episode with: Are we the only ones? as we discuss movie sequels. Do they work for you? They don’t work for Cucch. He gives his reason why, and it may surprise you….man falls for woman, then woman disappears.

Aliens, Karate Kid, Indiana Jones

We hope to be conducting interviews soon. But we need some help getting a telephone interface: JK Audio. Please sponsor THE GUYS. We’ll be happy to return the favor by promoting your website, business, or recent endeavors.

In Father Stories, Sai discusses his son’s journey with travel basketball tryouts. Making the team came with an important life lesson.

Cucch brings up Geek Holidays. Modern Warfare Black Ops was released last week, and on the very same day, businesses reported a high number of sick workers. Coincidence or not?

Why is Gordon Ramsey our least favorite Gordon?

And finally we wrap it up with Ask the Guys. Noel wants to know if an “eye for and eye” is okay. Maybe Noel. But certainly not an “eye for a head.”

And Paige wonders if dating her ex’s cousin is a No Go. Hmm…….nothing like kissing cousins.

TGP Episode 19: Buyer's Regret, Making the Team, Kissing Cousins [ 46:37 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

From: “One of The Guys”

Creativity seems to be a lost art, and it’s only getting worse. Couples rely on movies and take out to fill the weekend nights. Kids power up their video games to be entertained and the rest of the world surfs the web to get a glimpse into the lives of others.

Am I different? Not completely! And it’s scaring me.

For a long time I stopped reading books. I didn’t have time with my babies being, um babies, so I resorted to magazines to keep up on my reading. Quick, fast, entertaining and easy! This past year I started reading books again and it took me a long time to actually figure out how to read a book. I’m totally serious. I actually forgot how to “see” it in my mind, keep the characters straight, and follow the plot. This was due to my learned, short attention span, and my lengthy hiatus from the world of creativity.

But I managed to get it back slowly, and now I’ve realized that creativity can be lost too. Great, another thing to worry about! And I especially worry about it with my kids. They are creative, but only when it’s easy to be creative. They haven’t learned how to cope with “boredom” because they lack the vision to create something from what’s perceived as nothing.

So what’s happened to creativity?

Are relationships failing because creativity has become a dying art?

What do you think?

The truth is, we don’t NEED to be creative anymore. We can get many of our needs met without doing much mental work at all. So what happens is we fall into a routine that slowly wears away our mental sharpness.

But where does this all start?

I’ll tell you where. It starts at a very young age. In fact, right at my house.

Here’s how:

Let me start out by saying, I hate the Wii. We bought this video game system for our kids because they’d been begging for it for over a year. Not that their begging necessarily determines our actions. They’ve also begged for Pellet Guns, Guinea Pigs, Motorized Scooters and another sibling, for which they’ve gotten none.

Video Games have become part of “water cooler” talk in schools around the country, just like Pet Rocks, Smiley T shirts, Happy Days and Saturday Morning Cartoons were for me. We felt that it was important for our kids to be able to participate in those conversations, so we went ahead and told Santa to bring the Wii. We figured we could just limit it to weekends and that would be OK.

But here’s what’s happened.

It’s become the default game for them. And it seems to have drained them of all of their creativity.

Them: Dad, can we play the Wii?

Me: No, not right now. Think of something else to do.

Them: We’re bored. There’s nothing to do.

Me: Well, what did you do BEFORE you got the Wii?

Them: We can’t remember.

Me: What about Bionicles or dolls or sports? You used to like that.

Them: We just want to play Wii.

Me: Didn’t I just say no?

Them: C’mon.

So annoying. So I make them write a list of ten OTHER things they like to do. My oldest, who’s Mr. Make Believe has no problem with this. My daughter does it to please me. But my middle child. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: Dad, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Really? Nothing? Really?

Him: No, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Do you want some help?

(Silence. I interpret this as a yes…..mistake…….so I start trying to help…..big mistake!)

Me: Well, what sports do you like?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: You like baseball. And basketball. Soccer. What about tennis?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t use any of those things!

Me: What!!? Why?

Him: Because you said them already. Now I can’t use them.

Me: What are talking about!!?? Of course you can use them. You like them.

Him: No, I can’t use them and I’m not putting them down on the list.

(Silence. So I keep pushing it)

Me: What about music? You like to play the piano right?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Fine, do it yourself. But you need to have five things written down before you do anything else. You hear me Mister?! (I’ve already caved from the ten things I originally said)

Him: Harumph…..

After twenty minutes he hands me the list. There are only two things on it.

Things I like to Do(His List)

1. Lie in Bed

2. Kind of read

I stare at this list. I think, “Oh my god, this took him twenty minutes to do?” I start panicking. “Now what kind of extra services is he going to need at school? He won’t be able to get past third grade.” I start sweating. “What’s happened to his creativity? Is it completely gone?”

Then I realize it. It hits me like a brick. The Wii has emptied the creativity out of my kids. No, I mean literally. These machines are evil. The truth is, the controllers the kids use are really electronic vacuums that suck all the creative juices out of whoever’s using them. These juices flow into the machine and back to the main headquarters. The gaming companies then use this creative energy to churn out more games and make more money. It’s pure genius!!  But now I’m onto them.

So after pondering  this epiphany I realize I still have my son to deal with.
So I tell him to go to his room, lie in bed and read.

He seemed to like that idea.

Finally I did something right. One of the firsts as his parent.

Now I need to devise my scheme to take down the video game companies. And that’s for another day.

So I ask you.

What’s happened to creativity?

Do you still get creative in your relationships? What kinds of things do you do to get creative? Bring it on!

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.