The Guy’s Perspective

Dear Guys,

My husband recently had an emotional affair with someone in California. He has family out there also. That being said, after I confronted him about the affair- and thought that we had gotten over it, and we were doing better than ever- he said he still wanted to go visit family out in California. I reluctantly bought him the ticket to go, scared that he would not return like he promised. (Round trip ticket) I was right, he did not return on this ticket. Mind you the woman he was having the affair with is his cousin (I know, I know, I know…LOL….Jerry Springer all over it.) He stayed with her and her family for the two weeks he was supposed to be out there. (She is married with two kids.) As far as I could tell they avoided being alone together.

Anyway, now he is staying at a male cousin’s house. He says he wants to extend his visit and possibly get a job out there for a few months. So far he has not tried to get a job, like he said he was going to. And I don’t want him to do this. I want him to come home where he knows for a fact he has a job waiting for him. (At least two) He still says he loves me everyday and texts me throughout everyday and also sends pics of himself. He sends pics and texts to my son as well who is fifteen. He promised me before he left that he would come home, and says he will still keep that promise. In the mean time, I feel like my life is in limbo not knowing when he plans to return. He will not give me a date or a definite time frame for his return. So guys my question is basically this…would he keep saying he loves me in text and on the phone if he didn’t mean it? He is already out there 3,000 miles away from home, so I think if he didn’t mean it or wanted to stay out there and not return home he would just either drop off the face of the earth…..no texts and no phone calls.  And certainly no “I love yous.” (Sometimes just a love ya or a goodnight with love but usually love you) Can you guys help me shed some light on him? I want so badly to believe he will be returning. But the “not knowing” is driving me nuts.

Hummingbird

Dear Hummingbird,

Thanks for writing. This is complicated. And we won’t lie to you. The whole cousin angle kind of threw us a bit, but we’ll do our best.

We’re not exactly sure what you mean by an emotional affair. Do you know the extent of it? Did he talk with you about it? Or did you find it out covertly by seeing emails/texts? How far did it go? Did they discuss being together? If you’re not sure of these answers you should find out to what extent they were “together.”

And what about his cousin’s husband? Does he know what’s going on? It seems he probably doesn’t since your husband was staying with them.

We’re big on actions. Right now his actions are speaking much louder than his words. He may be saying he loves you, but then why isn’t he coming home? This is quite a mixed message.

Our sense is, he’s keeping his options open. He’s trying to establish a life for himself out in California, but if for some reason it doesn’t work out, he still has you to come back to. It seems if all he wanted to do was relocate, you would be part of the plan. He would be talking to you about WHEN you and your son would be joining him. Instead he’s kind of being vague, and that’s a sure sign that he’s being deceptive, at least about his intentions.

Relationships aren’t easy, and there are times when couples go through rough periods. During these difficult times communication breaks down. And that’s a big problem, because it’s during those times that couples need to communicate even more! You need to get him talking!!

So “Hummingbird,” stop wondering and get more proactive about this. It seems you’re almost afraid to ask him what’s really going on. But you have to get to the bottom of this for your own sanity and for the welfare of your son-and for the sake of your marriage. So talk to your husband. Ask him to come home to talk with you. Be assertive. If he won’t come home, you might have to take a trip out to California. (That’s a last resort because we know this would be expensive.) But you’re not really getting an accurate picture of what’s going on. You’re only getting what he chooses to tell you. The worst case scenario is, he decides to stay in California, and you’re left wondering with no answers.

And why are you buying the ticket for him? Are you supporting the family financially? We know these are tough economic times, but you shouldn’t be supporting his explorations. It sounds like you want to be a loving partner and that’s a wonderful thing. Relationships are about give and take. But it’s a two way street, and he’s not holding up his end of the bargain. So please don’t support him anymore with this. It’s not helping your relationship. If a guy accepts this kind of help, even if he’s grateful, he’s also resentful and feels emasculated. And if he doesn’t, well than that’s even worse. We call those guys, mooches!

Things haven’t ended yet, but they’re moving quickly in that direction. You deserve an explanation and some real straight talk. And if he’s not willing to volunteer this, then you need to force the issue. He owes you that much. And there still might be a chance to salvage your relationship. It does sound like he cares for you on some level, even if he’s confused.

We’re sorry this is so difficult. We wish people would live up to their commitments and be honest with the people they are closest with. But unfortunately many people don’t do this. The way your husband is dealing with his confusion is damaging your relationship, especially in the trust department. Even if you get through this, you’re still going to have to deal with the aftermath. This is going to take some strength on your part. And his.

We wish you the best. Let us know if you have any other questions.

THE GUYS

Readers, 

Also read,  Part 2: I was Tiger  AND   Part 3: Inner Child

The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.

These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.

But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”

So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree (some of  you will), agree (we hope you might) or share your personal experiences.

Thanks,

THE GUYS
“Cheating” by One of the Guys 

Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!

But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?

That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.

For Example:

Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?

Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?

Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?

What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?

Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.

Here is one example:

Mr. Do the Right Thing

A friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”

He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”

I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”

He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”

I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)

And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)

Another Example:

Mr. Cool

This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.

I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”

He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”

I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”

He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”

I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means.)

He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”

I said, “Hmmm……………”

After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.

If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.

But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.

When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.

So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?

Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?

Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?

I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)

Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:

“Well why won’t they have sex with you?

What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?

Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?

Or talk to them?

Or help around the house?

Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”

But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.

But bottom line. It’s complicated.

So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.

Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”

To ask us a question, use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page. 

Other posts on cheating:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on? 

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth? 

Is my boyfriend a cheater?