The Guy’s Perspective

TGP Episode 43: “Rewind”

The Guy’s Perspective Podcast Ep43: "Rewind" Super-Sized Hamster Fun [ 39:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Guys are off this week chasing a little end of the summer fun.  So we are rolling out a “Guy’s Perspective Certified Pre-owned Episode”.  This beauty has passed our rigorous 142 point inspection and is guaranteed to satisfy.  In fact this is our most downloaded episode ever!
Episode 4.  Endings, Excess and Envy!

The show in a nutshell:

Ask the Guys: Is it cool to stay close with your ex’s family? The Guys debate that very question.

Father Stories: Sai is held accountable. It seems that all young men have a story similar to this one.

Pet Peeves: Cucch talks about the insidious nature of the letter “W.” Sai spouts off about 110%.
The Meat: Is more better? What is up with our super-sized society?

Youth is Wasted on the Young: Cucch dreams about McDonald’s play places. Sai discusses his love of “Pong.”

Maybe more is better!?

Leave a comment, kick in a few bucks on our paypal link or leave a big five star rating and comment on iTunes.  As always thanks so much for your support!  We’ll be back with a new episode in two weeks.

Please visit our new VIDEO PAGE and check out our very first video:

Getting Played: Trust your Gut

Or check out our You Tube Channel. Getting Played. Please Subscribe and leave us a comment.

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your questions. We are working hard at answering them as quickly as possible.

For those of you who have donated to us, THANK YOU. It does take considerable time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. And yes, there are real guys behind the scenes discussing the questions, and responding.

If you’re not sure how much to donate, just give what you’re comfortable with—whatever good advice is worth to you.

Thanks again,

THE GUYS

Some recent questions:

My marine decided to call it quits; is there still hope?

Boyfriend loves me, but lacks empathy for others

Can my guy change from his cheating past?

What happened with this guy?

Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?

Older woman is confused

Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior?

Multiple Questions

Hey Guys,

So, I’ve been with this girl for more than a year. We had some problems in the begining that we couldn’t solve. It was part her fault, and part my fault. On many occasions I was really sure that we would break-up. But I love her, and she loves me. We’re still together, but these problems have not yet been solved though.

(BTW: I’m not a teenager, and this is not my first girl. I’m 29, but I’m confused as little kid back in high school.)

My girl is a dancer, and recently a new guy joined the dancing crew she’s in. And all of her friends tell him how good looking he is. And my girlfriend and all her friends follow every freakin’ thing he posts on Facebook. Three of her friends are married but still comment on every guy they see. That seems strange to me. Although, I still comment on some girls now and then. But they do it in front of their boyfriends and husbands.

My girl is pretty good looking, and I’m 90% sure this new guy is hitting on her. I don’t think she would cheat on me, but you know, when it smells like a crap, it could be crap. I’m not stupid, but this whole situation has really killed my libido. I used to be the cool and funny guy not but right now I feel really lame and weak.

Should I be worried? Should I leave her, or just calm down???
What should I really do? I’m really crazy about all that stuf

Confused Guy

Dear Confused Guy,

Thanks for your question.

It seems your problem is less about this other guy and more about the divisions you still have in your relationship. From what you say the two of you are still working through issues. And if that’s the case, these issues are causing strife in your relationship, which in turn is causing you to feel insecure. So the first order of business is to address these issues by talking about them, or by seeking professional help—maybe a couples counselor—to help you work through them.

You’re no different than us. We get jealous just like you do. And if another guy enters our turf strutting his feathers, possibly trying to take what we consider ours—even though we understand we don’t own anyone—we get just as defensive and combative as you. But take a deep breath, and take a step back and see it for what it is. He’s just some good looking guy. If your relationship was solid, with good communication, trust, and love, no guy—no matter if he’s a movie star or athletic star—would have a chance to hammer a crack in the foundation.

So yes you should be worried, but not about him. You should be worried whether or not you and your girlfriend can fix what seems to be broken at the moment. Love is a good start to building a foundation, but it’s the day-to-day acts that make or break a relationship. A good question to ask yourself is: Does my girl have my back? Meaning, when she’s out in the world, is she considering you in the decisions she is making? And on the flipside, are you considering her? This goes beyond just being faithful to one another. This enters into every single decision you make from what you buy for dinner to what job you decide to take in your career path. When two people form a partnership they navigate the world together, and then an interesting thing happens: somehow life is easier and more fun, not more difficult.

Once you figure out the bigger picture, we imagine you’re not going to be as jealous and crazy as you feel right now. And as far as feeling week and lame, that’s normal. People react differently to these types of scenarios. Some guys come out swinging, and some guys pull back. You happen to be part of the latter group—the more reflective group. Hang in there!

Please leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted. Feel free to ask a follow up question as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please spread the word about us. Join us on Facebook and You Tube.

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it here, or on our podcast. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Subscribe to our blog feed, and/or our podcast feed.

Please send us your photos. As soon as we get enough photos to create a fan section on the photo page we will.
Send to: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks so much.

Last few questions:

Breaking Up

Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

Not sure if he’ll commit

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

So this is a long story but here we go.. I’m in need on an emergency session! I was with my boyfriend for five years, and we moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend of two years. My friend and her boyfriend ended up splitting due to her being unfaithful. But me, my boyfriend, and her ex ended up keeping the house. After a few months I noticed that I started developing feelings for my roommate(her ex) and I asked my best friends their opinions.

My best friend of fifteen years moved in with us and knowingly started to go after my roommate just because I had a boyfriend. They hooked up like two times and eventually I found out and it really hurt me.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my roommate and I have been hooking up-like ALL the way. I really like him,  and he said he likes me but I just feel like I might be getting played. My best friend still lives with me but unfortunately we do not speak at all due to some rumors I found out to be true. Also, I’m going to end up losing my other friend who dated my roommate previously once she finds out we hooked up. I really feel amazing to be single again. I’m only 20 years old and after five years I feel so liberated. But at the same time I really do like this guy. I feel like we should take it slow because he could be the one. I never pictured myself with a guy like this, but I’m completely baffled by him and just really need some advice. My emotions and nerves are everywhere.

Help?!

Cort

Dear Cort,

Thanks for writing to us. Sorry you are so frazzled.

But our first reaction is: wow!? If we read your note correctly, you and two of your friends have either dated or hooked up with your current roommate. Does that mean there aren’t a lot of eligible guys where you live, or is this one particular guy that special?

Let’s chat about your friends first. In the world of guys there is a code of conduct when it comes to hitting on women that your buddies have expressed interest in. (Meaning it’s a no, no.) And most guys adhere to this policy. But it sounds like anything goes with you and your friends. When your girlfriend moved in with you did you tell her you were interested in your roommate? If you did, and she still hooked up with him, she doesn’t seem like much of a friend. But on the flip side, you can’t expect people to be hands off some guy you’re possibly interested in when you have a boyfriend yourself. That’s a bit unrealistic.

As far as this guy goes, he’s got it made. He has women throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t even have to leave his apartment. He must feel like one lucky guy. That doesn’t make him a player, more an opportunist. But in your case, neither is all that savory.

We know you say you have feelings for this guy, but you have a lot of sorting out to do. First you need to figure out who your friends are and what role they’re playing in your dating life? Then you need to decide what you really want? Do you want to be single and play the field, or do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? And if you want to be in a relationship with him, do you want it to be exclusive? Because right now he has no reason to change his behavior.

The only way to see what might happen is to let him know you’re interested. Talk to him. See where his head’s at. The problem is that you’ve already set up one type of relationship with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to make a change from one type of relationship-a hook up- to a more serious and committed relationship. It’s more than likely he’ll file away the pleasant memories of this moment in time, and then move on and find a girl he wants to be serious with.

The only way to find out is by putting yourself out there and taking a risk. We wish you the best. It’s not pleasant to do that, but it’s necessary. If it doesn’t work out, you’re probably better off moving out of your apartment and starting over fresh.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Also please consider a small donation to help support the Guys. Click the Paypal button to the right. It does take a good amount of time to give thoughtful answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I was in a relationship with a guy who fell for me really hard.  He said I was “The One”.  We spent a lot of time together and he was very romantic, in love, etc.  Anyway, we were an hour away from each other and things were moving very quickly.  I asked him if he was ever interested in closing our distance gap and he immediately started to act differently. He told me he will never move from the town he lives in and has decided he cannot give me what I want and has ended the relationship.  This is hard for me to understand since he was displaying so many feelings-love, future plans, etc? He told me he was walking away from a “once in a lifetime”.   He still contacts me occasionally.  We broke up over a month ago?  Do I stop all communication with him or do you think it is worth waiting it out?  Or do you think he is just plain selfish?

Val

Dear Val,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re sorry about your situation. Getting mixed signals is always hurtful and confusing. Some guys have a hard time being straightforward with the woman they’re involved in. Your man is no exception.

Clearly he got scared when you pushed it a bit. Don’t get us wrong. You did the right thing. It’s never a good idea to pretend that things are how you want them to be, when they aren’t. You wanted to take the relationship to the next level and you put that out there. We commend you for that, and wish more people would ask for what they want.

If he truly thought you were a “once in a lifetime” opportunity we doubt he would have walked away so easily. Saying it is one thing but acting on it is quite another. His actions tell the tale, not his words. Yes, he’s being selfish, but he is doing what he feels is right for him. Unfortunately he wasn’t completely honest with you. Saying you’re “the one” one day, but then breaking up with you soon after should give you some insight to where his head is at.

So what we would say is, it’s probably time to move on. However, it has only been a month and if for some reason he does a complete 180 and decides to move to where you are, or something like that, we think it would be okay to at least give some consideration to getting back together. But only if he shows remorse, makes concessions, and completely changes. But we honestly don’t think that’s going to happen.

So should you break off communication? You should do what’s best for you. If it’s too painful to talk to him, and if it gives you false hope, then yes you should stop all communication with him and give yourself time to heal. If nothing changes in the next month or so, then it’s time for you to put this relationship in the past and get on with your life.

Any relationship you choose to be in should be a two way street. You should be getting as much as you’re giving. And the man you’re with should be willing to compromise, otherwise your relationship will be doomed from the start. Hopefully your next guy will be ready to meet you in the middle and take things to the next level.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Make sure and read last week’s question, Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship. Plus we’ve answered a bunch more questions about long distance relationships. And we have a few more waiting to be answered. So check back with us, and be sure to check back to read the comments. Our readers are very insightful.

Every few episodes THE GUYS need to address the capacious store of unanswered dating and relationship questions built up over the course of a month.

But before that, Cucch and Sai question the practice of newspaper price discrimination based on geography, as well as the art of gouging-teeth and wallet-practiced by the local dentist. It must be nice to practice in palatial surroundings.

To wind down Cucch and Sai give their opinions on a variety of relationship questions.

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

If you have a relationship question call THE GUYS at 347-855-GUYS, and you’ll be included in the new video series.

Also, to read more relationship questions in our archives, go to our website at The Guy’s Perspective dot com. Then visit our Ask the Guys page. If you have a question, leave us a note.

Here are last week’s questions:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

The Gym Guy: Is he interested?

Sex after child

Is he playing me?

Dating and Deployment: Should I start a relationship?

Thanks for listening and participating!

TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves [ 47:05 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played” 

Am I being played again? 

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

______________________________

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy that I really like. I met him through friends and we always party together. We did have a couple drunken hookups – except I’m not sure if he was REALLY drunk or not. We have been talking for a couple months online and hanging out once in a while in a group of friends. The thing is, he told me straight up he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to date around because he had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend of 5 years and is still hurting and not over her. I respected his decision and gave him his space. I also took it as if he wasn’t very interested/into me at all.

The next week when we went out partying together in a group of friends, I see him kissing one of my friends. They were both drunk. When I saw that I became really confused and hurt. I decided it’s best if I avoided him because I really didn’t want to get hurt. Another thing was that my friend that made out with him told me not to get too close to him because he would end up hurting me. How ironic that she was the one kissing him in front of my face. At the club, my friend saw how hurt I was and went up to talk to him and she told me that he said he thought I was really cute and sexy, but he had already told me he wanted to date around and that our personalities aren’t compatible. And I realized it’s kind of true, our personalities don’t click very well.

Anyways, I kept my distance for a bit, but we would still end up talking for a bit. The next time we got drunk together, he tried to kiss me and get all over me again. I wouldn’t let him and I kinda told him off saying that we’re just friends and how I saw him kissing my friend. He said that she kissed him first. It just made me really upset. So I made it clear that we were just friends.

We would still talk once in a while and even stopped talking for a while. It really bothered me because he knows that I like him, but at the same time I know he can’t give me what I want and I should just get over him.

We hung out in our group of friends for a weekend. It was just me and him and his group of friends. His group of friends like me and consider me one of them – the guys. They always tease me, make fun of me and mess with me. He is the only one who never talks to me or makes an effort to and the only one in his group of friends that doesn’t tease me, mess around with me – for example pull my hair, snap my bra straps, pinch me, pick me up and throw me .. etc. The boys all like to play with me. I noticed I have no problems striking conversation with any of the guys. It’s only him I can’t have a decent conversation with. When we hang out in a group, he’s the only one that doesn’t pay any attention to me.

It’s so weird because he won’t talk to me anymore when we hang out, but when I get too drunk he is the one that takes care of me or makes sure I’m okay. When I’m passed out he will tell me to stand up, he will get me water, rub my back, drive me to his friends to crash, sleep with me – cuddle me to sleep. This time around we were about to sleep and he started touching me and kissing me. Then we started to make out and pretty much was about to hook up, but I stopped him because I was on my period. So we did everything but sex.

The next day he acted so awkward. He wouldn’t really talk to me, strike up conversations with me or really talk to me when I started conversations with him. He acted so cold/distant and uninterested. I really don’t understand. It almost makes me feel like he really dislikes me. It is even more weird because we usually hook up because we’re ‘drunk,’ but he told his friend that he was already sobered up by the time we crashed at his friends house. We went to go eat with our friends the next morning, who are a couple and he can talk to other girls no problem. But with me, nothing. Nothing to say, nothing to talk about. I think he felt really awkward and I tried my best to break the ice, but it didn’t work.

What in the world is he thinking? Does he really dislike me that much and just wanted to use me for sex?

It really makes no sense.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for writing to us.

This guy does not dislike you. He wouldn’t be trying to have sex with you if he disliked you. But unfortunately he’s also not interested in anything more than a drunken hook up.

First of all the drunken hook ups should stop for your sake. Nothing good comes of too much alcohol, and in your case all you’re doing is compromising yourself to be with some guy who isn’t giving you anything but an occasional good time, accompanied by an awkward aftermath and confusing feelings all around. That doesn’t sound worth it to us.

This guy isn’t ready for any type of relationship. He’s pretty much told you that. And if he’s kissing your “friend” in front of you, that should pretty much tell you the story.

Sara, we know you like this guy, but what are you getting from this except for self-doubt and worry?

To answer your question, is he playing you? Inadvertently, yes. What he’s doing is giving you major mixed signals, at least from your standpoint. From ours, he’s doing what many guys do. They say one thing and do another. And when it comes to sex that is very common. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to mess with you specifically; it sounds like this is his M.O. in general.

Here is something for you to understand, and for all the women reading this to think about. If a guy has sex with you it doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than you were available and willing to have sex with him. It could mean that he’s in love with you, but it can also mean he was just horny. In your case, it sounds like the latter. Sorry.

Sara, if you’re getting so drunk that you’re have trouble standing or are passing out, you’re probably going to be making bad decisions when it comes to guys, and hooking up. Maybe you need to take a look at what you’re doing that’s contributing to your confusion. And take a look at the people you’re hanging out with. We’re not saying you should stop hanging out with them, but maybe you have some other friends that are doing different types of things that don’t always involve lots of alcohol.

Good luck. Respect yourself. You’re worth it.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Yesterday’s Question: Sex after child

Last week’s questions:

Men and their Guy Trips

Did he ever care at all?

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Questions to come:

Is he stubborn or just not that into me?

Confusion?

Am I being played?

Is he playing me?

Hello Guys,

Thanks for being here

This guy at the gym… morning weekday manager… I started frequenting the gym every morning 3 months ago. He was one of the other employees to me, nothing noteworthy, just a nice cute staff member at my local gym…

…Until about a month ago when he smiled at me. Sure other cute gym staff guys smile at me, but when HE smiled at me this one time about a month ago, I just melted. It was that look that I interpreted as, “you are beautiful,” or maybe it was my wishful thinking, but this was the first time when seeing him made me feel giddy. So, ever since then we flash smiles at each other when we see each other.

One day, as I was leaving the gym, he told me to have a nice weekend (with that smile that makes me melt)… Does he really look at all the girls this way? I ask myself. I still haven’t figured it out. Anyway, as I was heading out the door, I saw his reflection from the tinted windows and he was looking directly at me throughout my entire 25 or so foot walk to the door. Did he want me to know or could he not tell that I could see him? Darn, I should have had the nerve to turn around and catch him in the act

And just last week, we saw each other in the staircase and he backed up to talk to me. He was really surprised that I knew his name and he teased me. Then I excused myself into the women’s locker room, but was just so happy that he made an effort to come talk to me.

Since then, we still smile at each other, but I never stop to talk… I just take in that beautiful smile of his, smile right back, and get to my workout.

Today, I had the feeling that he was at the front desk when I walked through the gym, but I had no reason to look over other than to see if he was there, which I didn’t because I don’t want to look desperate. I want him to know I’m interested, but I certainly don’t want him to think I go to the gym for his sake (which I don’t)… his smile is my bonus

He always walks through the gym classes I take at least once and mostly twice. Don’t know if I ever contribute to that and I often feel him looking in my direction.

But I’ve been wondering why he doesn’t make an effort to be visibly available to me when I’m leaving the gym… maybe he’s not interested? Maybe he feels he already made his effort by backing up at the stairs to talk to me? Maybe he hasn’t figured out it takes me about half an hour to get ready to head out to work after the gym class I take… maybe I’m expecting too much from a guy who has work to do and doesn’t have the time to coordinate at what time he should be at the front desk to see that cute girl he likes leave….

And a friend of mine at the gym who’s been going much longer than me says he’s really quiet and shy, but I always see people talking to him…

Ah! What do I do? Just wait to see if he’ll get the hint from my smiling at him or should I do more?

Sorry so long, but I really am confused and don’t want to mess up a potentially good opportunity with a nice guy that may be interested.

Thanks guys!

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thanks for your question.

We also answered this question on our most recent podcast, TGP Episode 32: Money, Food, Couples, and Finances

Please listen to get our entire answer, which was somewhat lengthy. But we’ll sum this up here as well.

It sounds like he is in fact interested in you. Although keep in mind he is an employee and is paid to give good customer service. We can’t tell you how many guys think the waitress or bartender at the local restaurant is interested in them, when in fact they are just being nice, and hoping for a good tip. (It happens every day.)

However, your case seems different, especially since you saw him checking you out as you left the gym that one day. But his hands are tied. He really can’t ask you out because he’s probably signed some agreement to not hit on the members, otherwise he could lose his job.

So this is up to you Laura. The best way to take this to the next level is to find a time when you can chat briefly with him; and at the end of the conversation hand him your card, or a piece of paper with your number on it, and say something like, “If you’d like to have coffee or lunch sometime give me a call. We can continue this conversation.”

Keep in mind if you’ve misinterpreted his signals you still have to go to the gym even though you might be embarrassed or feel awkward. But we always say,  “nothing ventured nothing gained.”

Typically we think the guy should make the first move, but in your case you’re going to have to be the one to do it. But once the ball is in his court please leave it up to him . If he doesn’t call, or ask you out, it’s likely he just smiles at all the girls.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Wednesday’s Question:

Did he ever care at all?

Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating a guy exclusively for a year and 3 months. Within the first year he went on 3 “guy trips” to Miami twice and Vegas once. I was uncomfortable with each, and made that clear. However, I wanted to respect his manhood and allow him to go with complete trust. I am sure he danced here and there but I did not question him when he got back either of the times. I kept it to myself.

Well, except the Vegas trip. One of his friends posted the dreaded trip on his Facebook page. As you can imagine, pictures can tell a thousand words. I confronted him on how embarrassed I was about the way he behaved- as if he were a single man. He barely defended himself because he claims he was drunk and didn’t even know people were taking pictures. Clearly he was drunk posing with one of his “home girls” holding her hair back and pretending to bend her over. That was embarrassing to me. He claims it was 100% innocent. I feel he was innocent, but it shows me that he when inhibitions are down (he is 29 by the way), that his behavior is not respectful of me. I am out of sight out of mind. Or maybe, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

I am forgiving, but this coming July, the trend is starting once again. My question is, how do I go about dealing with this notion in my head that in July 2011, he is going to Miami for the same reason others go in July? He says it is a guys trip, but on the past 2 trips, magically his “home girls” are there to meet up. Some of these girls he hasn’t seen in years. And now this is becoming an annual Miami reunion. As his girlfriend, is this in a normal long term relationship excusable? Should I be okay with this?

I want to understand my man, and be okay with his guy trips, but I am unsure if I am just being naive. It is hard to take advice from women, because most of my friends do not trust their men. I know he is a good guy, maybe he makes stupid decisions when he is drunk; but I know he means well when it comes to me. But in terms of the respect factor, I do not know how to bring the conversation up with him.

Do I ask him that this be his last guy trip, or do I ask him not to drink? Won’t he rebel? My girlfriend (one of them) claims that he is taking advantage of me and I am “too nice” for letting him go on all these trips. When he made it a goal of his in 2011 to move out of his mothers house (They are Indian) and get his own place for US I was happy. But so far, he is more interested in his Miami trip than this move. He has plenty of money, so money is not the issue. I think it’s his priorities. However I don’t want to force him to not do what makes him happy. This is where my friends think I am wrong. Apparently he is having his cake and eating it too. Any insight? I asked him numerous times would he rather be single and get this stuff out of his system, but he says the clubbing is out of his system, and this is just a guys’ trip-an annual trip. He LOVES to travel with his guys. Side note: his boys are all single. They always are, or they magically break up with their girls before they go. Mine doesn’t want to break up when he goes. He pretty much calls me on the regular. Would I be wrong to give him an ultimatum when he goes, and tell him to think about if these trips are more important then the relationship we have? And ask him to think about it an decide between the trips and/or me?

Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Thanks for your question. We think you’ve hit upon something that a lot of women wonder about. So we’re going to explore the Guy Trip in general, and then address your specific question.

If a guy loves a woman they will pretty much do whatever it takes to keep her happy. But the emasculation factor is high here; so sometimes we need a break to strut our stuff, and prove to ourselves and our buddies, that we still have a drop of testosterone left in our bodies. Now typically, playing pool at a bar, or going to a baseball game, or frequenting the local “watering hole” is enough for us. For a few hours we preen and posture with our boys, reassert our manhood, and feel whole again. But sometimes these little medieval jaunts aren’t enough, and we need to put on full scale armor and do a little jousting. Enter the Guy Trip.

A Guy Trip is needed when our estrogen levels have risen to dangerous heights, and the levy is close to breaking; or when a shot of testosterone won’t do it, and a full fledged blood transfusion is needed. Guys will then plan some outlandish trip where they live in a semi-altered state for a weekend or longer, that allows them revert back to when they were single, living on pizza, drinking beer in the morning, gawking at women(hopefully not touching, but sometimes), and doing all the foolish things they remember as being fun. Typically after a few days, this behavior gets old, and they realize it’s not their manhood they were searching for, but their youth. And then they are happy to reinsert themselves back into their lives, content for the moment.

But having said all that, we agree with your girlfriends for the most part. Just because guys need these types of trips occasionally, doesn’t mean Vegas or Miami should always be the destination. A Vegas trip might be okay once-say for a special bachelor party, or for a big high school reunion or something like that-but not for a yearly jaunt. We’re not saying your man is actually doing something that undermines your relationship-although we’re not saying he isn’t either-but just that trips to Vegas are providing him more than a much needed injection of manhood. He loves going, and in this respect he is getting his cake and eating it too.

If your guy wants to bond with his “boys” why couldn’t he go camping for a few days, or go on a golf outing, or do something on a less grand scale? We’re just a bit curious why he feels the need to do a week long jaunt to the City of Sin to feel whole again? If you know what we’re saying.

We also wonder why his “home girls” always seem to be part of the picture. Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you? We don’t know him as well as you do, but that certainly begs an explanation. Remember Nicole, if something looks and feels suspicious, it probably is. We had another question a few months ago where a woman’s man was also taking regular trips to Vegas with work friends. (We answered it on our podcast.) A  picture was taken of her man and two women work “friends” sleeping in the same bed. He told her they just fell asleep and nothing happened, and she took him at his word. Well, let’s just say that was a bit suspicious don’t you think?

So we have a question for you. Does your man realize how much his trips to Miami and Vegas bother you? You say you’ve told him, but does he really know the depth of how you feel?

All relationships require some sort of give and take. And this comes with trust. Without trust, no relationship can survive the long term. It’s sad that none of your girlfriends trust their men. We believe there are men out there that can be trusted, so none of you should be settling for less.

We realize you don’t want to give him an ultimatum, and you shouldn’t. (This is where we disagree with your friends.) He has to come to the realization himself, after you tell him how you feel; otherwise your ultimatum will just lead to resentment on his part and your part, and possibly lead to the end or your relationship. But please tell him specifically how these guy trips make you feel; and tell him how you feel when you see pictures of him humping these so called friends. Deliver this information to him as calmly as you can. If he hears you and still chooses to do what he wants, then you need to take a hard look at the relationship and ask yourself a few questions. Are you getting what you need out of the relationship? And does he care enough about the relationship to change some of his behavior?

Sure, guy trips are wonderful and often necessary. They are similar to  when women get together for a girls night out. (Well not exactly)  But no trip should undermine an existing relationship, and cause more stress and strife.

This is a delicate balance, and an issue many couples struggle with. How much independence is okay within a committed relationship? Every couple has to come up with a solution that works for them. Too much of anything is trouble. So the balance between jealousy and freedom is something all couples have to work out. You two have a lot to work on it sounds like.

And for the record we wouldn’t be okay with our girlfriends, wives, or partners exhibiting the kind of behavior your boyfriend is exhibiting. Maybe he’s just not ready to be in the kind of relationship you want-a long term, committed, and respectful relationship.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

Please leave us a comment. To do so, scroll down to archives. This same question will be at the top of archive. Click that link and scroll down to comments section. Thanks!

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for half a year now and everything is amazing! We’ve seen each other a few times since we’ve met but we’ve kept in contact everyday for the past 6 months. We don’t hook up with other people and I’ve met all of his friends who say he’s madly in love with me. I trust him 100 percent and we have an amazing bond that feels so right. We’ve been having serious conversations and he wants me to move in with him. We feel so lost without each other when we’re not together and I love the thought of moving in with him. But I’m 20 years old and I keep wondering if it’s too soon. When the thought of moving in comes to mind I think of marriage and not being together for the rest of our lives.

Do you think it’s too soon to move in, if it were to happen in a year or so? I know we’re going to stay together but long distance is so hard! If a guy is already ready to move in, how is he viewing me as, a potential wife?

Thanks for all your help!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for writing to us. Hopefully we can shed some light on this for you. Or at least give you some things to think about.

You didn’t mention how old he is so we’re assuming he’s around the same age as you. Is that right? Also, what is he currently doing with his life? Is he working, or is he in school, or something else? And what are you currently doing?

Moving in with someone is not necessarily part of a progression that leads to an engagement and marriage. It can be, but it can also be part of a progression that leads to breaking up. Moving in with him does not come with any guarantees, nor should it. Not much in life does. But it sounds like you’re more worried that it will go in the other direction if you move in with him. Or that you are too young in general to be making these kind of decisions.

So let’s start with your age.

If you think you are too young then you are too young. Meaning if you’re worried about moving in with him, it might not be the right time for you. Typically someone your age is in college, or working and trying to get a career going. They like having their independence, and like to keep their options open. However, if you’ve really found someone you love, there’s no arbitrary number that is the right number. In some ways being younger is better than being on the older side because there’s much less pressure on both parties to make decisions they’re not ready to make.

If you’re worried that he wants to move in with you so he can get the milk for free, that’s possible, but it doesn’t sound likely in your case, at least from what you describe of your relationship. It really does sound like he cares for you and wants to simply be with you much more than he is now. These are good reasons to move in together. Why not be with each other and enjoy each other on a daily basis?

Now a few things to be aware of before you make your decision:

-Your age is the best thing about the situation and the worst thing about the situation.

-Living with someone will not tell you if he’s the right person to marry. Those are two very different things. Living together just tells you if you can live in the same home together. Certainly if you find it easy to be with each other that helps, but it doesn’t answer larger questions like: Do we want kids? How many? When? How do we feel about money? The same, different? Where do we want to live? What goals do we have for ourselves, and as a couple? And the list goes on. Marriage is about long term commitment and working out issues together with open, honest, and positive communication.

-Giving up your own dreams, aspirations, and goals to move in will only lead to resentment down the road.

If you decide to move in with him we think you should think about one more thing. While you don’t want to put pressure on him, having a set time frame in your own mind where you will know the answer to your question-will we get married someday?-might be helpful to you. (Example: Like in two years I’m out of here if I think he’s stalling.) This will make you feel less powerless. Ideally you want him to come to the same conclusion that you have: that he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, which means getting married and building a life together. But if you do decide to come up with a time frame, no need to mention this to him. You’ve got a few years before that conversation comes up anyway.

Finally, if he is the one, consider yourself lucky to have found someone special so early in your life. That’s rare, but if it works, you get to spend your whole lives together. Just make sure he feels just as lucky as you do. You deserve that.

Best of luck. And send us a follow up, answering some of the questions we asked. And keep us posted on what you decide. Our readers will be interested as well. Please check back to read the comments to get more opinions.

THE GUYS

Readers: Please leave a comment. We’d like this to be a forum where people can voice their opinions and help each other out.

If you have a relationship question, ask away. Leave us a note on this page and we’ll answer it here or on our podcast-The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

For more essays on relationships search our archives here, or visit The Guys’ Network Home Page.

Check out our other podcasts: The Parent Gig

We begin this episode with Pet Peeves. Somehow, somewhere, some person, while perusing the web for who knows what, “absent mindedly” made a simple clerical error and added a middle initial to Sae’s name. The consequences have been, let’s say, um, mixed. Cucch chimes in with his own telemarketer story.

Our next Pet Peeve involves a guy named “Harry Baals(Balls)” and the building they’d like to name after him.

We move to “Ask the Guys” where we answer several new questions.

From Sandra: “Is he just a playa?”

From Jasmine: “How do I get over him?”

From Mariah: “Am I missing something?”

We answer relationship questions with thoughtful and honest opinions. Please feel free to leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page, or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS.

Also, check out The Guy’s Network for the lastest relationship question, and our opinions. “Am I getting played: What’s his game?”

TGP Episode 29: Relationship questions and telemarketers [ 19:33 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The latest relationship question is up on The Guy’s Network.

Am I being played: What’s his game?

We answer relationship questions with thoughtful and honest opinions. Please feel free to leave us a note with your question on the “Ask the Guys” page, or give us a call at: 347-855-GUYS.

We do our best to address each question on our podcast, but due to the volume of questions it’s not always possible to answer each one.

Also check the “Ask the Guys” page for the archive of questions we’ve answered over the years. We may have already addressed a similar question. And at the end of each post there are many comments. Be sure to read them all. Our readers are very insightful and to the point.

Our next podcast episode is coming this Sunday or Monday.

Dear Guys,

I went on a trip to Europe this summer  to visit my family, like I do every year. My last week there I met someone who I used to know when I was a little girl. We hung out with a group of friends for three days and we all instantly became like family. This guy and I became obsessed with each other for those three days and instantly decided to keep in contact. We  promised to see each other before next summer.

It’s been two months since we’ve seen each other now and we’re both going back to the same place we were this summer for New Year’s Eve to see each other. We talk every couple of days, sometimes once a week but when we do he always tells me “I need you, I need you”

Before we said our goodbyes this summer he said, “What am I going to do without you for a whole year?” He also said, “Don’t find anyone else.” We’ve talked about his past relationships and he’s never been with a girl for more than 2 months.  I also get bored of guys very easily and I’ve never been with someone for longer than 2 months also.

From a guys perspective, do you think this affection will last for him? We only knew each other for three days but I feel like I’ve known him for so long.

Dora

Dear Dora,

Thanks for writing to us. Interesting question.

Your behavior in the past doesn’t necessarily determine how this new situation will go. Just because the two of you get bored with other people doesn’t mean you’ll get bored with each other. When it’s right, it’s right.

However, it’s way too early to know whether it is in fact, “right.” You need to spend considerably more time with him, and more consistent time with him to really know how you’ll feel. Seeing him periodically for a few intense days won’t tell you much about having a long term relationship with him. Long distance relationships are full of longing, and heightened feelings. You need to see how it is on a more day-to-day basis.

But Dora, you’re off to a great start. You’ve found someone you really like that you connect with; and the feeling’s mutual. That doesn’t happen every day. So go with it. See where it takes you. And enjoy the ride. Keep your wits about you, but don’t over think things. If you like each other after the next meeting, plan another one. Just take it a step at a time.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Readers: If you have any relationship questions or just general questions about guys, drop us a line on the Ask the Guys page here on our website. We’ll either answer you on our blog or on our podcast.

If you haven’t listened to our podcast, check it out on the podcast page, or subscribe through itunes or Zune. And spread the word to your friends. Thanks!!

Are we the only ones: Auto Replay….the never ending song.

Hot or Not: Online Dating, Lady Gaga, Facial Hair, Winter, Katy Perry, Kindle and other E readers. (We give our rating)

Listener Voice Mail: Do you find me…..sexy?

Thanks for listening!

Please check us out on itunes and Zune, or on our website. Subscribe and give us a five star review and be in the running for a piece of merchandise.

THE GUYS

TGP Episode 12: No Fly Zone [ 19:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Pet Peeves: Customer Service, Automated System

Ask the Guys: How do I show my girl I love her?

Father Stories: Special story shared by Liz aka “Naughtie Scribe”

The MEAT: Football…its impact on the family.

Youth is Wasted: Is 18 too young to go to college?

TGP Episode 11: Customer Service, Football, and Listening [ 38:34 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”

When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.

My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.

But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.

It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.

“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)

“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)

“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)

“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”

“Mommy, I want a dog.”

And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.

“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.

“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”

__________________

“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.

“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.

___________________

And so it went.

And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.

But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .

So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.

Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?

Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?

My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.

Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.

Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”

What do you think?

Dear Guys,

I am 34 year old man married for 9 years. (The relationship has been rocky to say the least.)I have been told by my wife at times that she does not love me. We have a child together. Often she likes to go out after work with her co-worker single female friend.
I have recently been talking with a female co-worker who is younger than me and have been out for some drinks. Sometimes the subject turns towards sex. This is confusing.

Is she interested in me?

If I act on this my so called marriage will be over.

Jim

Dear Jim,

Thanks for writing. We can see how this would be confusing.

Let’s address your marriage first. Both you and your wife sound unclear how you feel about one another, and your marriage. So we’d like to know a few things. Do you still love your wife? If the two of you could work things out is that something you would ultimately want?

Many couples stay together because of the children. However, if a relationship is loveless, and/or full of stress and strife, this can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional and psychological well being. Many “experts” are now saying a healthy divorce-one where both parents are still working as a team to make things as smooth as possible for the kids-is actually a better situation than an unhealthy marriage. Could this be a reason you’re still together?

Jim, it would best to figure some of these things out first before you bring another person into the equation. The new person will only complicate matters, and confuse you more. She already has.

So let’s talk about this other person. It’s clear you’re attracted to her and are interested in her beyond just being friends. That in itself should tell you something about your marriage. The fact that you are open to having these types of feelings for another women is pretty telling. Sure, guys fantasize about women other than their partner. That’s pretty normal. (And yes, women have fantasies too.) But you’re well beyond a fantasy. You’ve gone out with this other woman, talked about sex, and are seriously considering taking it to the next level. That should give you some answers about how committed you are to your marriage.

However, be forewarned. This other woman is not the solution. Jumping to a new situation without resolving the existing one, only blurs things more. Are you leaving because you’re unhappy, or are you leaving because you want this other person? That’s a big distinction. There’s also no guarantee that you’ll stay with this woman, or that she feels about you, the same way you feel about her. You might have a month of fun, or even a year, or who knows, but you’ll still have your marriage to deal with at some point.

There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. You’re human, and it’s nice to feel wanted and loved. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of that from your marriage. And having this other woman in the picture, might be giving you the strength to take a hard look at your marriage. Is that what you’re hoping for? Are you really into this new woman, or are you just hoping she’ll  jump start the inevitable end of your marriage? We just think you need to ponder these questions because they’ll shed some light on your ultimate decision, whether you stay or go.

Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us more questions.

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

I am in need of advice on how to best help my guy who is dealing with the difficult task of finding a job where there are no longer jobs.  He lives in another city and we have been in a relationship for the past year which is working out great. However, he is becoming more and more frustrated at not being able to locate the kind of job he is qualified for in the area where he lives.  Today he was hoping to get hired at a job which he interviewed for last week and was told today that they hired in-house. I do not know how to help him through this or what to say or do?  I told him I am here for him.  I do not want to say or do the wrong thing to make him withdraw from me.

What are your thoughts…

Thanks for your help,

Pam

Dear Pam,

Thanks for your note. These are difficult times for many folks who are out of work.

Men often define themselves by their job, especially if they enjoy what they’re doing, or if they’re making a lot of money. And when things don’t go well, these guys struggle the most. It’s not just a matter of financial security, but also emotional well being, and sense of self. These feelings can snowball into frustration, anger, and depression. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Your guy may, or may not, want to talk with you about his struggles. But your “job” is to listen as best you can. Many guys will just keep it all inside, because to speak it out loud, is to admit weakness and defeat-similar to guys who won’t ask for directions even when they’re hopelessly lost. So be supportive by letting him know you love him, and that you’re there for him. (It sounds like you’re already doing this.)

If you want to actively help, we would suggest doing small things. If you happen to see a job listing he might be interested in forward it to him. Or if you have a connection he might benefit from talking to, mention it to him. But be careful here, this could backfire. He might be very open to it, but he also might think you’re coddling him and resent you.

So the best thing to do Pam, is to talk to him, especially before you try to help him out. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask him what he’d like from you. He certainly doesn’t want you feeling sorry for him, but he will appreciate knowing that you’re there, and that you care. He probably already does, and may or may not be expressing this to you. Ask him if he’d like your help.  And if he doesn’t, drop it. Also keep in mind, that since you’re his girlfriend, he might take his frustration out on you. People sometimes do this with the people they are closest with. If this happens, try to be patient, but also let him know that you’re trying to help, and that his situation impacts you as well, because you care.

And finally we would say, the little things help. When you visit, try to focus on having lots of fun, but without spending tons of money. Maybe plan some outings, like a hike with a picnic, or dinner at home, with something “special” planned for dessert. You get the idea. He’ll appreciate the distraction.

Just be yourself Pam. That’s really all you can do. If you’re relationship is solid, built on trust, respect and good communication, you’ll weather this hard time.

Good luck to you and him. We’re hoping for the best for both of you.

Keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago. I love it! Of course this irritates my wife to no end. She says, “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys, talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick. We like  having the work  done for us. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s ever so painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men, at insurmountable odds, under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd, that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more miscommunications via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many of these situations arose because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, humor are all lost when the written word isn’t carefully laid on the screen; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person is truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or just recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body. But I’m hoping I’m making some progress as my years tick away on this planet.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical, but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or one of my kids, is that they should feel like the only person in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.

What do you use social networks for?
How do you like to communicate?
Should relationships be conducted via social networks?

Check out podcast #8! On this site, and on itunes. Subscribe!

Dear Guys,

Not to be vain, but I’m a pretty girl…not big on the whole pound of make-up and constantly picture perfect thing, but it seems like every guy I’m interested in always says the same thing first…they like my style, or they like my personality…
I always thought that if a guy says that he’s not genuinely interested, just attracted enough to screw…any way, my question is, what does it mean when a guy right off the bat says “I really like your personality…”

Craigory

Dear Craigory,

Thanks for your question.

This statement, “I like your personality,” is not the kiss of death that women think it is. Context is everything here. Most guys aren’t going to come right out and tell you you’re beautiful, or that they want to get you in bed, so they might say, “I really like your personality.” That’s a safe way to approach you. It’s all part of the game.

It is possible they actually do like your style. Maybe you have a certain flair that’s undeniable, and one that guys notice right away. That’s a good thing! Wouldn’t you prefer they liked you for a combination of traits rather than just your looks? So be happy that you have much to offer.

However, when guys talk to their buddies it’s a whole different story. Every stereotype you’ve ever heard about guys is true in this case. We want to know about looks first. Is she hot? Is she cute? How’s her body? We want specifics. It’s just a curiosity thing. That doesn’t mean we don’t care about other qualities in women, it’s just that our prehistoric roots enter the equation when we talk amongst ourselves.

Finally, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Don’t change, or act differently just to get a guy to like you. Celebrate your uniqueness, pursue the things that make you happy. Your happiness and zest for life will shine through. And truly those are the most attractive qualities anyone can have.

All the best.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating a man on & off for 2 years.  It started out fast with him asking me to marry him & giving me a ring.  Since we have gotten back together there is no talk at all about a future together.  I never know when or if I’m going to see him.  He tells me I should find someone else because he has been having some health problems.  We were supposed to see each other tonight but again he said he isn’t feeling well and told me to make other plans.
He says I’m not as affectionate as I used to be.  It’s hard when I feel like all he does is push me away.  If he did really loved me, wouldn’t he want to spend time with me & not be telling me all the time to find someone else?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for writing.

What you don’t say is why you broke up in the first place? How did you go from being engaged to breaking up? Also, we’d like to know if his health problems are for real or just an excuse to keep some distance between the two of you.

If he truly has health problems, he may feel insecure about being chronically sick. So instead of opening up to you he pushes you away, for fear that you won’t want to deal with his health issues. However, if his health problems are an excuse to keep you away, then you’re better off without him. You need to find all of this out. Please talk with him.

It IS difficult to show someone you love them when all they do is push you away; but in this instance that’s exactly what you need to do.  He sounds very insecure about whether or not you really do want to be with him. Do you? He certainly isn’t giving you a whole lot to work with honestly, but it sounds like you’re going to have to be the bigger person here and reach out to him if you want this to move forward.

As far as him telling you to find someone else, that could be his insecurity talking again, or he might really mean it. But you’re right, if he really wanted to be with you it seems like he should just say it. We wonder.

Lisa, what do you think about all this? You definitely need to put all of this on the table and talk to him about this. The best way to get to the bottom of this is to ask him directly how he truly feels about you.

Either way, his insecurity-if that’s what it is-is a red flag to us. He might truly be sick-and we’re sorry if he is-but the way he’s dealing with it seems immature. Most people would want the person they love to support them in their struggles. They wouldn’t push them away. So that’s a bit unsettling for us.

We hope we didn’t make things more confusing for you Lisa. Be well and good luck sorting this out.

THE GUYS

To ask us a question go to the Ask the Guys page and leave us a note.

Please support the guys and consider a donation. Just click the donate button on any page.

Hi Guys,
I have a dilemma which I’m hoping you can help me with.
I am an outgoing, outwardly confident girl. I enjoy meeting new people, and I make friends with both guys and girls very easily. However, I have no success when it comes to dating and love. When I examine my relationship history I am forced to conclude that guys see me only as a friend, or perhaps as a potential friend-with-benefits-not that I go for those types of arrangements. Although several males have made sexual advances towards me-so it can’t be my looks that are the problem, right? I’m in good shape and reasonably attractive- they just don’t seem to see me as having girlfriend potential.  I have met lots of guys that I find attractive, but there seem to be only two outcomes. Either they become a good friend but seem oblivious to my flirting-some of my male friends end up asking me for advice on how to approach other females they are interested in, for goodness sake!-or they respond to my advances, we have a brief fling, but it never develops into a serious relationship because the guy ends it. I am 99% sure this is not a sexual chemistry problem-never received any negative feedback, anyway! Every single time a guy breaks up with me, he has wanted to remain friends, in fact most have strongly stressed that point, and most of my exes remain buddies with me.  This leaves me with two possible conclusions. Either I am attracted to the wrong sorts of guys, i.e. emotionally-unavailable men, or there is something about me that means guys just do not see me as a long-term prospect.
My question is, what qualities does a girl have to be seen as girlfriend potential? Are there certain behaviors or personality traits that might make a girl seem like a great friend, but eliminate her as a dating prospect? Any advice?
Thanks,

Jess

Dear Jess,

Thanks for writing. Your dilemma is not that uncommon. And at least one of your suspicions is correct. (It does sound like you’re attracted to the wrong sorts of guys.) But there’s more to it than that. Let’s start with our shallow answer.

If a guy finds you attractive, hot, sexy, or any other superlative, you automatically have potential as a girlfriend. Potential is the key word here. If potential doesn’t morph into a more certain standing you’ll end up either being a short term, or long term booty call. That’s not typically what most women are hoping for. Sure physical chemistry can be a great part of a relationship, but it’s really only one piece in a larger equation of trust, respect and love.

What really struck us about your question, was how willing and available you seem to be for these guys. This might be part of what’s going on for you. Just like nice guys can be cursed, so can nice girls. You sound like a very nice girl, and guys can sniff these girls out from a mile away. They are an invaluable resource as you’ve realized, because most guys have no clue about women. (They need advice from a woman and you’re giving it to them. That needs to stop.)

It sounds like you feel reasonably comfortable with your looks, and your ability to converse, so maybe it’s the way you carry yourself that’s causing the problem. This doesn’t mean you lack confidence, but it sounds like you’re making it too easy for the men you meet. Guys like somewhat of a challenge, and making yourself too available, at least at first, is going to keep heading you into familiar territory. And how many new guy friends do you really need??!! Let the guy do the pursuing! Let him make the advances!

We don’t believe in game playing, but a little mystery is okay. We also think you might want to hold back your eagerness to connect emotionally, until the man you’ve just met proves himself to be a worthy constituent. That means evaluate each person, and if they really have boyfriend potential, then proceed slowly. If they don’t, have a good time and move on. And definitely don’t go out of your way to prove you’re a cool girl. The right guy will know you are.

But let’s get back to our initial point. Yes, you are going after the wrong guys. This is easy for us to say, but difficult for you to change. However, start becoming more aware of your patterns. Become more aware of red flags, or other signs that tell you the same old thing is happening again.

Be positive Jess. Just by being out in the world, eventually you’ll meet the right guy for you. But it’s your job to recognize when it happens. Think about all these trials as good practice. All of these dead ends are getting you more prepared for when you finally do meet a great guy. It will happen!

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

Short bio about me (to get the best picture): 24, student, decently attractive brunette, in pretty good shape, smart (sometimes can be too smart for my own good), thoughtful of others, sarcastic, and get along with most everyone, no enemies, & I’m sure ya hear this a lot, but I am not your typical woman- I mean that in the sense that I am very laid back, not caddy like most, don’t easily get jealous, and won’t breathe down your neck, etc. It’s actually one of the most common comments I hear from the fellows. I do over think things and can be suspicious like most women, but the only people that know that I even feel that way are my close girlfriends that I share those thoughts with. Guys never suspect it. I’ve always been the faithful relationship type since early HS, but I haven’t had much luck lately in the last few years. I seem to most often attract or am attracted to the guys that are unavailable-whether it’s emotionally, physically, in a relationship already, commitment issues, not at that point in their life, and have even had a few stalkers…unavailable nonetheless. Have had a fair share of offers lately, but none that I was really interested in; mostly from “boys” just looking to have a casual good time with a pretty girl- not really my thing. More interested in sharing my company with a man- more mature, looking for long term, no game playing, a real honest gentleman. Not really asking a lot. You could say it’s been a little while since I’ve had those butterfly feelings for a guy.

The story: Met someone yesterday, at Goodwill of all places, he was actually volunteering by choice (yes, that story pans out). He was my age, good looking, in grad-school, was very gentleman-like, mature, smiled a lot- seemed to have pretty much every quality important to me and gave me the vibe as being at that stage where he was ready to meet someone seriously. I even noticed he was nervous (hand was a little shaky, clearing his throat) he actually dropped a book and was a little embarrassed- it was extremely adorable! I felt equally nervous and actually got the butterfly feeling for the first time in a really long time. I felt like I could say or do something so stupid at any moment. We had a decent conversation and a few laughs. When he needed to go back to work, he told me that he really would like to take me out soon and asked for my info; I gave him my contact info and said I would really like that. No games, no playing hard to get- just straight and to the point. I left shortly after, and not even an hour later, he sent me a text to affirm his intentions of taking me out and wanting to get to know me. I playfully joked about how quickly he texted me, sent a smiley face, and said I would really like that. He responded “Haha, well I have no reason to hesitate,” I said I agreed and that I was just giving him a hard time.

*THIS is where I start getting confused. He says, “Oooohhhh, you’re one of those girls.” I am thinking he is being playful back at this point. I ask him “Haha, What kind of girl is that?” and he says, “I can’t say.” I attempt to playfully continue the conversation (1 msg), but I’m left in silence after that. After an hour of nothing said in return, I start to think I said something wrong or maybe he misunderstood me. So I just calmly break the silence and say “Well, I am hoping that wasn’t implied in a negative way. Anyway, I would definitely be interested in going out sometime soon and getting to know you.” There wasn’t a response back and nor did I say anything else for the rest of the night.

This is the first time in a really long time that this has happened to me, but you could say that my brain has officially been ninja’d. I have tried not to think about it, but the scenario keeps playing over and over in my head and am so confused. By 3 PM today, I still had not heard from him, I didn’t want to be the one to text but I’m really not up for game playing, so I gave myself an excuse to go ahead and text him. I just said, “Hey there. I don’t know if you will be volunteering at Goodwill today, but I am about to stop by there here in a little bit to check out an old book on travel that I saw yesterday for a friend since they don’t get off work until 10.” 30 minutes later he replied, “Hey lady. No not volunteering, I took my boat out to the lake today. But I will take you up on going out soon.” (Which I’m also confused about, because he has seemed to turn the tables on me…don’t really know the point of doing that). So I just replied, “Oh, very nice! I’ll be doing that myself this coming weekend. Well have fun, and I will talk to you later then. ” And that’s it.

Could you maybe give me some insight on what exactly is going on in this scenario. I guess I am just confused on why a guy that couldn’t wait even an hour after I left to contact me, and was physically nervous when talking to me, is now all of a sudden kind of giving me the cold shoulder…? I have been out of the dating game for a little while and am obviously a little rusty. Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Thanks for writing.

First of all, congrats on that butterfly feeling again. That’s a lot of fun. And it sounds like he felt it too.

The rest…well, that’s a bummer. OK, first of all, texting, emailing and “Facebooking” are always ripe for problems. Without being able to read body language or hear inflections in the voice, etc. the words are open for interpretation or misinterpretation. And that’s where problems occur. This is exactly what’s happened in your case. By him. And then by you.

By his reaction he’s obviously had some bad experience with a certain type of woman he defines as, “One of those girls.” That alone shows a major lack of maturity and experience though. (We know you said he was totally cool.) But to stereotype someone before you even go on a date, joking or not, is a red flag. Or it could just be the text thing again.

So here’s our advice. Sit on it. Do not text him again. And do not let him reverse this. He should pursue you, period. Don’t go to the store. Don’t do anything. If nothing happens, chalk it up to a lesson learned. Or maybe chalk it up to bad luck. Or maybe chalk it up to, “I thought it was great, but it really wasn’t.”

If he does call and it gets weird again, bag it. Really, it’s not worth it. If you do go out, temper your excitement, and just see how it goes. It might all work itself out, but take it one step at a time.

Listen Lindsay, you sound like a cool girl, who’s got her stuff together. There are plenty of cool guys out there, who will appreciate you even if you are “one of those girls.” (Just kidding.) And what the hell does that even mean, “one of those girls???”

And as far as we’re concerned,  it’s okay if you “overthink” things occasionally, or are a bit suspicious of guys. We’ve earned our reputation. But try to keep an open mind. We’re not all like that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Maybe you should go after a nerd? Just sayin’!

To ask THE GUYS a question, drop us a line on the “Ask the Guys” page on this website.

We also answer questions on our podcast. Check it out on “Podcast” page or on itunes. And we’ll be coming soon to Zune as well.

This week’s show in a nutshell:

Ask the Guys: Is it cool to stay close with your ex’s family? The Guys debate that very question.

Father Stories: Sai is held accountable. It seems that all young men have a story similar to this one.

Pet Peeves: Cucch talks about the insidious nature of the letter “W.” Sai spouts off about 110%.

The Meat: Is more better? What is up with our super-sized society?

Youth is Wasted on the Young: Cucch dreams about McDonald’s play places. Sai discusses his love of “Pong.”

Maybe more is better!?

We are now up on itunes. You can subscribe using the RSS feed here, or go to itunes and get our podcast delivered every other week, right to your itunes home page.

TGP Episode 4: Endings, Excess and Envy [ 39:45 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Guys,

This question was inspired by your post on misogyny, but I don’t think it quite fit into the comments section for me to ask there.

I started talking to a guy that I met through a mutual friend.  Nothing serious.  We were just talking and he let me know that he finds me attractive.  He’s quite a catch what with the curing cancer (he’s a PhD candidate), being super nice, musically talented, and a little bit of a hottie on top of it all.  It had come time to do the big friending on facebook.  This is where I found out the guy is a Tom Leykis fan.  Dun dun dun!  No judgments if someone happens to be a Leykis fan, but I know what he thinks of women and how he instructs others to treat women and quite frankly…I don’t know if I should be heading in the direction of a “dating” relationship with someone that thinks it’s okay.  So we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks.  I kind of pushed him away after finding out that little piece of information.  My question is…was that fair of me?  I’m almost certain that I have interests that could lead people to make the wrong assumptions about me, but should some interests be automatic red flags?  I don’t think there’s any going back now, but for future reference I’d like to get The Guys’ take on this.

Lovy

Dear Lovy,

This is a great question.

We will admit, the first thing we did was look up more on Tom Leykis. It seems he’s made quite a name for himself and garnered quite a following.
And for those of you who aren’t familiar with him, he’s online at Tom Leykis Blog and Tom Leykis on My Space. We’re not promoting him, just giving you a sense of some attitudes toward women that are floating around on the web and on the air.

Lovy, let’s first address your specific situation and then discuss the broader question. At first glance your new guy meets all the criteria many women want in a man. He’s smart, good looking, interesting, cultured and motivated. However, herein lies the problem. Evaluating with a checklist is difficult and not very accurate.  When it comes down to it, these qualities pale in comparison to character, values and outlook on life. Luckily you know that.

We don’t know Tom Leykis personally, so it’s hard to judge what’s truly in his heart. Is he a misogynist? Certainly his on air persona would suggest that he leans this way. And even if he’s not, the fact that he’s willing to take on this persona for ratings and fame is telling enough. So we could see how you would want to tread lightly when seeing a guy who is a fan of his show.

However, you’re reaction was a bit knee-jerk. We think you know that, thus your question to us. Let’s say this same guy was not a Tom Leykis fan, but instead he was way into porn. And you didn’t know this about him. So after dating for a few months, you found an extensive collection-by accident- at his house. How might you view him then? Would you see him as someone who objectifies woman? Or would it be okay with you? Or maybe after getting to know him for a few months, and liking him, you might see it as one small facet of his personality.

Each situation is different for each person. Some people could never date a person affiliated with an opposing political party. Some people get stuck on religion, others on ethnicity. Some people don’t like swearing, other people are uncomfortable with someone who likes to go out a lot. It’s all what people can stomach and feel comfortable with.

It’s clear that this just didn’t work for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  And frankly, having said all of the above, this guy’s interest in Tom Leykis would cause us to pause and reevaluate as well. The only thing we might have done differently is had that conversation; if you truly thought he was worth it. You could have always bolted AFTER the conversation too, with a bit more understanding about why he enjoys this guy. And that information might have proved very useful in future encounters and relationships.

Everyone has their automatic red flags. We do. Obviously you do too. And that’s a good thing. It says that you are not willing to settle for the next cute guy. It says that you respect yourself and want to be with someone who respects you. No one should compromise their values just because they feel lonely. Because there is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with the wrong person.

Thanks for writing.

THE GUYS

ps. TO OUR READERS: Check out Lovy’s writing at: www.bibliophile.sayrawr.com (She’s a talented lady!)

Upon visiting one of our favorite blogs, AskCherlock, we read a piece entitled Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet.

Here is an excerpt from her piece. Please go to her blog to read the rest of the article, as well as other great articles on world events and politics. And leave her a comment.

“……hate crimes against women are increasing as we are perceived as soft targets. One must wonder what role the Internet plays in this. Perhaps the Internet has become a place where some socially isolated men (or women) find it easy to hide behind an avatar and spew venom or prey upon others due to some latent mental pathology.”

For those of you who don’t know the word misogyny, it means quite simply, “hatred of women” or “considering them less” or “despising them.”

The first thought that comes to mind, besides the shame of coincidentally being the same gender as some of these men, is sadness. What type of upbringing, or lack of upbringing, must a boy have had to turn into a man filled with this type of anger? Or maybe he just picked up subtle clues over a long period of time. Either way it starts with parents.

Arguments are part of relationships, but it’s how the arguments are conducted that impact children and teach them how to treat one another. If a child senses veiled threats, bullying, or witnesses abuse, he will make mental notes about how relationships work. And ultimately he will conduct himself in a similar manner if not worse.

However it’s not always so obvious. Sometimes it could be simply, a boy hears remarks about how woman look and act. Over time these remarks gain momentum and make it clear to the boys that women are in fact just objects. And it’s a lot easier to hate an object than it is a person.

Discussing origins is one thing, but intervening to stop these types of crimes is a whole different ball game. However, do we really have a choice? Cher discusses how the internet is playing a role in hate crimes. We can see how easy it is to start a blog or a forum, and throw out all sorts of venomous barbs with little or no consequences. For in many ways the internet is truly the wild frontier with its own laws and it’s own sense of justice. But we are not helpless to combat this type of thing. We must put on our sheriff’s hats  and rally together and speak up.

Hate crimes against anyone should never be tolerated!!

If we work together as a united front, it’s possible we can help stop a few tragedies from happening. Please do your part to spread the word.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend went to Vegas almost 2 months ago and he left with my full trust. When he came back he wouldn’t show me the pictures he took there which was odd because he would always show me pictures of his trips. I thought he was hiding something from me so when I got a hold of the pictures, I found one of him and his very good friend, which is a girl, sleeping in the same bed. I knew someone was gonna sleep next to him but I didn’t expect them to be cuddling. I confronted him about the picture and he said they had passed out but I don’t think that’s an excuse to be cuddling like that. I feel like he likes her even though he tells me they are just friends and have been for 5 yrs. But I can’t get past the picture and how flirty they act around each other. So is it possible that he has a thing for her but won’t admit it or that he really isn’t into her?

Sylvia

Dear Sylvia,

Thanks for writing. Obviously you read last week’s post about friendships with people of the opposite sex. And while we wholeheartedly feel that this type of relationship is possible, your situation is a bit different.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, but if either one of them is in a committed relationship the rules change a bit. This would mean absolutely no trips together, and especially to Vegas. That’s your first red flag. Why weren’t you invited? And why did he think it was okay to take a trip and sleep in the same bed with this so called friend? Whether he did anything or not is almost irrelevant. It’s an odd, but telling choice by him.

Friendships shouldn’t impinge upon the emotional connection a person has with his or her partner. And if your boyfriend is leaning on his “friend” to provide him with this type of emotional connection, he must not be getting it from you. Or maybe he feels like he can be more himself and that’s why he likes hanging out with her? Whatever the case may be, we feel his behavior and this relationship is inappropriate while he’s in a relationship with you.

So now you have to figure out what you’re going to do. The first question you need to ask is, “Will you be able to truly trust him again?”

If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Time to move on.

If the answer is yes, then you have to ask yourself some other questions.

“Am I okay with him being friends with this woman or any other woman?”

“Am I willing to have a serious talk with him to talk about boundaries?”

“Am I willing to voice my feelings before any situation escalates out of control?”

“Am I truly happy, or am I settling for a guy and a situation I’m not completely comfortable with?”

“Why am I allowing this guy to behave however he wants?”

We don’t like to actually tell you what to do, but you have every right to feel concerned, suspicious and upset. The fact that he didn’t want to show you the pictures should tell you something. And he shouldn’t be sleeping with or cuddling with anyone else. Of course you probably shouldn’t have looked at the pictures without his permission, but that’s moot now. The bottom line is, he behaved inappropriately and frankly we wouldn’t be comfortable in this type of relationship. He’s certainly proven himself to be untrustworthy, and is clearly not telling you the whole story.

So yes it’s possible he’s into this girl, but if it’s not her it could be someone else. The biggest issue is his behavior in a committed relationship. Clearly he doesn’t view your relationship as seriously as you do.

Good luck sorting this out. And please check back and read the comments for more opinions. And believe us, you’ll get some!

THE GUYS

Back in full force for Round 2! And coming soon to itunes.

In this show:

“Ask the Guys” We try to save Jeff from Chick Flick purgatory, by offering our picks. Otherwise he’ll be banned to the garage for the third cleaning this month.

“Father Stories” This is just what dad’s do! A late night camping story.

“Stream of Consciousness” From Hybrid Cars, to toothpicks, to Iron Man. THE GUYS take a circuitous route and end up where they started…..kind of.

“The Meat” Do guys take walks together? Do we dare reveal who we really are!? An extension of the topic introduced on our blog.

Next Podcast: Friendships with the opposite sex, plus some new segments!

TGP Podcast Episode 2: Flicks, Friends, and Father Knows Best [ 49:29 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

From: One of the Guys

Thank you dear readers for your great feedback and comments on our last post. Although some of you cited examples of pockets of men walking together, the consensus seems to be that men do not in fact walk together much, unless they’re at work. Most of you agreed, it’s not the walking piece that’s uncomfortable, it’s the talking piece that COMES with the walking. Many men just aren’t that comfortable opening up with other men.

But let’s continue this discussion of friendship for a bit and talk about some other types of friendships.

My wife is my best friend. I cherish our relationship. But I also am thankful for my other friendships with men and women. Not having to rely on my wife to provide me with all my emotional support only nurtures our relationship. My friendships actually energize and rejuvenate me, and that positive energy is something I bring to my relationship with my wife and kids. And frankly it’s a lot of pressure to be the “all and everything” for your partner. I think too many women bear that burden.

In previous relationships I would often put friendships on hold for a while. The giddiness of the new relationship was partly to blame, but also my fear that the new person might get jealous if I went out with THE GUYS, or THE GALS. But after a while this just did not sit right with me. I decided that I am who I am, and that includes all my friends.

But having friendships outside our main relationship is a delicate balance for sure. It’s a question of WHY do we have these relationships? And that is often what causes strife in the primary relationship.

Friendships can provide pieces that are missing in a primary relationship, but really they should enhance them or complement them. And since I discussed friendships with GUYS in the last post, I want to focus more on friendships with members of the opposite sex.

For me, my friendships with women provide me with new perspectives. If I have a question about something that’s going on in my life, I love hearing their opinions. I also think that conversations with women are just different. They digress in different ways, and they meander to and fro in more circuitous routes, which I enjoy. But these friendships don’t replace the deep connections I have at home, otherwise that would be a problem. Like I said, this is where people run into trouble.

When I see a man and a woman together, and if they’re relatively the same age, I usually assume they are together in some capacity; I mean romantically. It’s my first gut reaction. So I assume when I’m out with a girlfriend having coffee or lunch that people might think the same thing. And that’s why I rarely have dinner with a girlfriend because I don’t want to give people the wrong impression, especially people I know. Dinner usually connotes romance. That’s why I always tell some of the single GUYS, “Forget coffee, just ask her out to dinner, and that way if she says yes, you both know it’s a date.”  So dinner for me is something I avoid if I’m out with a woman friend. I just would never want to represent my family or wife in a potentially embarrassing way. (Well, sometimes it’s not possible. Just ask her about the last party we went to. But I digress.)

Having friendships outside of a primary relationship is important, but we must be sensitive and aware in order to do this. So for me, my wife knows all my friends. I made a point of introducing her, so she could not only know who I’m hanging out with, but also know these people are not a threat to her at all. In fact, she is now friends with some of these people, which is very nice.

Friendships help me see the world from many different viewpoints. And these deep connections have helped me evolve, and will help me continue to evolve through the stages of my life.

What about you?

Do you have friendships outside of your primary relationship?

How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex? Is it possible?

How do you feel about your partner having friends outside of your relationship? And what about with members of the opposite sex?

Any other thoughts about friendship?

Feel free to answer none, one or all of these questions.

We’ll be discussing this more on upcoming podcasts.

From: THE GUYS

Relationships are complicated dances of give and take, and compromise. We don’t mean compromising values, but more a willingness to budge,  just a little, when the issue at hand is not really that important. Otherwise the music stops and the dance is over.

Here are some examples of budging from our point of view.

Us: Do we really have to go to this thing?

You: (Give us THE LOOK)

Us: Yes, we’d love to go to your best friend’s dog grooming party.

OR

You: Honey, look at this. (You point to the newspaper.) There’s a great discussion on Wild Flowers happening on the Nature Walk trail this weekend.

Us: (We give YOU the LOOK)

You: (Ignore us) And?

Us: (Pause to see if you’ll cave in….you don’t…..) Sure, that sounds great. We’ll just take an extra Sudafed for our allergies.

OR FINALLY

You: I’ve got nothing to wear.

Us: What about all the clothes in your closet?

You: Those are all old and out of style. And they don’t fit. And they don’t look good anymore. And I don’t like them. And I want some new clothes.

Us: But..?

You: Will you come shopping with me? I need help.

Us: (Grinding our teeth quietly) Sure. Fine. Maybe we can go to the mall and eat at the Food Court?

You: The mall? Are you kiddin? I don’t want to go to the mall. Let’s go downtown.

Us: But aren’t those shops way more expensive?

You: So? What are you trying to say?

Us: Um, nothing……sounds great.

Us: (Thinking) Great, we can forget about the 72″ Flat screen.

But we also know the women in our lives compromise for us too. This is what we think you pretend to like. Or at least tolerate for us.

Going to our company BBQ.

Watching us come in last place in the Elks Lodge Bowling Tournament every year, while being stuck talking with “Marty,” the friendly host who smells like Cigars and Sardines.

Playing video games with us. Watching football. Going camping.

Having a little romp with us on a night you’re tired, even though you’d rather curl up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of wine, and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Glee.”

These examples are all mentioned in fun, but actually compromising CAN lead to new experiences and new knowledge. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to know about which Wild Flowers are edible and which aren’t. It might come in handy if we ever accompany Bear Grylls on a segment of “Man vs. Wild.” And knowing how to groom a Poodle might save us some serious money if we ever actually own a dog. But most importantly, compromise can lead to a better understanding of the other person, which leads to good will, and ultimately a stronger bond.

However we do have one slight problem. Although we understand compromise is important, we’re still not sure about the dance part. Although we’d secretly like to get better.

So when you bring up taking a dance class together, we “slow play” it, hoping if we pretend to not be that interested, we can get you to join the couples poker night we’ve been begging you to…….WOW!….Our bluff works! You agree. We’re now feeling a bit overconfident.  So we try to get one more raise from you.

Us: (Sweetly) Do think we can we get that flat screen TV now?

You: Don’t push it buddy!

No, you’re no fool. And that’s the real reason why we love you!

______________________________________________

What do you compromise for your partner? Why?

What do you think they compromise for you?

My daughter asked me today, “Why do dogs smell each other’s butts? (She pauses to ponder……) That’s weird.” (Commences to giggle)

I really didn’t have any great response to that. I mean she only just turned six. And to me it seems pretty self-explanatory. Or maybe I should say, self-exploratory. Or self-olfactory for that matter.

Either way, dogs, animals, people are into sniffing and smells. The olfactory sense may be the mightiest of all the senses; one that can transport you back in time faster than you can say…. I mean, smell, Cheese!

Growing up, my street was lined with huge maple trees that gave off a sweet aroma, especially during the hot summer nights. I didn’t realize it was actually the trees I was smelling, until I was walking in a quaint New England town a few years ago and stopped in my tracks. “What is that smell?” I said to my wife. She said, “I think it’s that tree” pointing to a huge maple tree. And sure enough, that’s exactly what it was. And at that moment, I closed my eyes and there I was, riding no-handed down my street, with a baseball card clicking in my spokes, feeling the wind and my freedom.

But smells tell us much more than that. They tell us if we’re attracted to someone; or if we’re compatible with them physically. That’s why many Guys don’t like it when a woman covers herself from head to foot with various forms of aerosol spray. This is just too confusing to most guys. And it makes any sort of “evaluation” difficult. OK, that sounded bad, but it’s true. Strange, unnatural scents are usually a sign that something is amiss. And that protective mechanism has been programmed  into us from the beginning, when we needed the ability to figure out which berries were safe to eat, the red ones or the orange ones.

So doesn’t it seem to make sense that we should adapt the ways of the dog? Doesn’t sniffing each other seem like a much easier way to figure out if you like someone? Forget first date jitters, second date apprehension and third date expectations, just take a sniff and get the answers you’re looking for. And wouldn’t it save us all from trying to make conversation, which can certainly be challenging at times.

But if you feel that sniffing before you know someone is a bit impolite, you could always ask first, although I’m not so sure how this would go over. “Excuse me, but would you mind if I just sniffed your butt? You know, just to see if we’re compatible?”

Yes, you might get a smack upside your head, but hey, that’s not the worst pick up line I’ve heard.

“One of The Guys”

What is your favorite sense? Why?

Do smells conjure up vivid memories?

What’s the worst pick up line you’ve used, or heard?

Do you think we should adapt the ways of the dog?

We read in a book somewhere that a person’s walk is the most distinguishable characteristic they have, even surpassing their face as the best way to identify them. We put it to the test and it’s absolutely true.

(This is a hypothetical “us”)

Us: Is that you Amanda?

Her: No, I’m Kelly.

Us: Really? You look just like Amanda?

Her: Well, I’m not.

Us: Well, just to be sure, could you walk a few steps so we can take a look?

Her: (Slaps us!)

Us: Ouch! What did you do that for?

Her: Get lost creep!

Us: OK, bye Amanda….uh… Kelly.

Maybe not the best method. It’s probably never a good idea to ask a women to take a stroll, so you can check out her backside….uh, we mean walk.

Guys are mesmerized by the way a woman moves. It might be the subtle brush of her hair as she turns her head and smiles shyly. It might be how she shifts her weight from side to side as she sips a drink, surveying a room. But most often it’s the way she walks that has our heads spinning.

Anytime a woman enters our line of vision no matter where we are, our first instinct is to stare. It’s true, even if we try so hard not to. It’s a reflex, like an automatic door that must open if someone walks up to it.  Tact, subtlety and dignity are abandoned and we forget ourselves completely!

Then we say stupid shit like:

“Hey Baby”

“You are so fine”

“Yowza”

The simple way a woman walks rattles our brain so completely that we lose whatever trace of intelligent vernacular and social etiquette we ever learned, replaced by grunts and other nonsensical utterances. Quite simply we become Cave Men.

Now imagine us at a dance club. Yikes!

Drinks and dancing are not the best combination for us. Seeing women moving on the dance floor sets our neurons into a complete frenzy. Talk about heightened senses! Every cell in our body is humming and vibrating, and it’s deafening and maddening and very difficult to control. How else do we account for our behavior when we approach a group of women on the dance floor?

The Dance Floor Scenario

A group of women is having a great time at a club, dancing, laughing and just enjoying themselves. Then some drunk fool(One of us) approaches and starts “dancing” with them. At least he thinks he’s dancing with them. Does he ask to join in? NO!! He just starts dancing nearby, doing some very strange gyrations and smiling with that wide eyed goofy grin. (You know the kind)

At first the women think it’s mildly amusing. OK, not really. Mostly they are annoyed that this guy is crashing their party. And he’s not even that cute. And his dancing?? If you could call it that. He looks more like he’s about to give birth.

Meanwhile his friends who are too chicken to approach are waiting to see what happens. They’re hoping they’ll be able to swoop in once their buddy breaks the ice. Or more likely breaks his face.

Pretty soon, the drunk dancer guy changes things up and tries to do some sort of sexy moves with his hips. The women shout, “Oh no, he’s about to give birth! Someone catch the baby!” But then no baby comes out. And instead he starts trying to saddle up behind the closest woman like a dog in heat.

Now the women are just grossed out, and start moving to the other end of the dance floor. But he follows, like a sheep dog herding his flock. Then all of a sudden his friends descend upon the floor, thinking  this is their moment! “OMG” the women say, “Get us out of here!” And they grab their bags and bolt, running in heels and skirts faster than any person ever thought possible! Another night of fun ruined.

How do we account for our COMPLETE misinterpretation of a woman’s body language!!?? We don’t. We have no idea what came over us. We were asleep in some trance, controlled by some puppeteer with a sick sense of humor. When we finally wake up we say, “Where are we? How did we get on the dance floor? We don’t even like to dance!”

Yes we love women for their intelligence, savvy, kindness and all the other things we’re supposed to say.

But really, the way you move means, you had us long before, “Hello.”

THE GUYS

Do you have any dance floor stories to share? Men and women??

For the men: Any other thoughts about the way women move?

For the women: What moves do guys have that might “paralyze” you?

From THE GUYS

Before we get to the topic at hand, we’d like to thank
AskCherlock and  One Crazy Brunette Chick for sending us such great pictures of themselves wearing THE GUYS. If you haven’t visited them at their sites, you absolutely should. Great stuff!

So let’s get to today’s topic.

We’ve had some fierce debate about this. Read the excerpt below and please give us your opinion. We need help figuring this out!!!

Transcribed from a conversation with a friend, who is talking about her first date.
(GP = Guy’s Perspective)

Friend: I got set up on a blind date recently.

GP: Oh really! How was it?

Friend: It was OK.

GP: Just OK? …..what, you weren’t attracted to him?

Friend: He was  decent looking.

GP: Hmm……..are you going to go out with him again?

Friend: Yeah, you know me. I’m willing to give people a second chance, but I’m not sure if I should.

GP: Well let’s get the blow by blow…..(You know what we mean!)

Friend: OK, so tell me what you think….(Pause. Takes a breath and starts giving a quick summary of the date) So we’re having breakfast. The conversation was OK, but kind of stiff. It didn’t seem like we had much in common, but he was reasonably cool. Well, that is, until we were about to leave.

GP: What happened?

Friend: So we’re getting ready to leave and he says, “Can I get this to go?”

GP: OK? And?

Friend: It was French Toast for god’s sake! One piece of freakin’ French Toast!!!!

(She laughs out loud)

GP: (After Pause) So that’s a bit odd. But are you saying that’s a deal breaker?

Friend: Pretty much. Shouldn’t it be?

GP: Hmm. Should it be? Maybe. Probably. Not sure.

Friend: I don’t know either. Something just seems wrong about it.  Of course Alison(her daughter) thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous. She was yelling at me over the phone and lecturing me about how I’m too picky.

GP: OK, so let’s look at this. Thinking about it from a very practical standpoint it doesn’t seem so bad. But giving it more thought, it’s just plain odd. What guy in their right mind asks to take home one piece of French Toast on a first date??!! That’s the problem. If he doesn’t understand that it COULD be interpreted as strange, then what the hell else doesn’t he get?

Friend: It “weirds” me out for some reason, but I am going to go out with him again.

GP: Good luck with that.

So what do you think dear readers? Is “French Toast To Go” a deal breaker on the first date?

ps. The second date was a total flop. Can anyone say, “Eggs to go.”

Written by:  “One of The Guys”

Hair(As defined by Webster): Any of the fine, threadlike outgrowths from the skin of an animal or human being.

Body Hair(As defined by The Guys): Any of the above mentioned hair that grows all the places we don’t want it to.

The topic of body hair was brought up recently at one of our round table discussions. Apparently a few of our comrades have recently been contemplating full body laser surgery, to remove their full bodied rugs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you’ve ever seen the “40 Year Old Virgin” you’ll know what I mean. The hair waxing scene is one of the funniest moments in that movie.

But laser surgery!? Is body hair really that bad? Let’s examine the pros and cons.

On the pro side.

1. It keeps you warm. No  need to put on that extra sweater in the winter.

2. You can hide things in there. Like that piece of gold you don’t want to declare at customs. Very handy.

3. No need to buy a Halloween costume….ever!  The Wolf Man is always en vogue.

4. If you start going bald, you have a lot of real hair to use for the transplant.

On the con side:

1. It’s hot as hell!

2. Forget taking your shirt off at the beach.

3. Sweating is taken to a whole new level.

4. Did I mention it’s hot as hell!

5. And who knows what your partner is really thinking?

And that’s a question we’ll be asking later in this post. What does your partner actually think about this? And is it so bad to call for drastic measures?

Of course I wouldn’t know. I’ve had one chest hair in my time of this planet which I’ve diligently kept trimmed. Although there was a time when I felt the need to point it out to people, just to let people know I was capable of actually growing a chest hair. But I see I might be one of the lucky ones. For now.

I say for now, because body hair is something no man ever really escapes. Eventually hair will grow from every crevice in his body until he is consumed. And it’s already happening to me. Just the other day I looked in the mirror and I said, “Is that a hair growing out of my eye?”

However, the real question is, is there a double standard when it comes to body hair?

A guy can walk around with a carpet on his back and a furry woodland creature on his face and his partner just has to deal with it. But women jump through the proverbial hoop just to rid themselves of a little hair. Especially nowadays, hair seems to be WAY OUT. Here’s what I’ve witnessed, or at least heard about, in terms of women grooming themselves.

Waxing the hair under their lip.

The bikini wax and trim.

Shaving their underarms.

Shaving their legs.

The eyebrow pluck.

And then of course we have the various degrees of grooming when it comes to the private area.

The Brazilian

The French

The Landing Strip

The Isosceles

The Cardshark

And more………….

I mean talk about the pressure! This takes grooming to a whole new level. Women have always had to think about clothes and the way they look on the outside, but now they have to think about what’s going on under the clothes?!  That’s just too much!

For guys, we just have to brush our teeth, wash and comb our hair and put on clean undies. Expectations are low and as long as we’re clean and reasonably kept, we can get away with a lot.(I think)

But now the tables are turning a bit. Like I said, hair is going out of style, especially unseemly body hair. And some of The Guys are taking a hard look at themselves and realizing that maybe their little tree farm isn’t that attractive after all.

As for women, I for one don’t really care what they do with their hair. That’s their business. It’s certainly not a determining factor on why I would or wouldn’t date someone. (Although I’m not longer in the game, so it’s a moot point.) But I’m just saying. “The Patchouli” is certainly fine with me. (Look it up)

But as far as guys go, our body hair is just like the lawns we work so hard to keep immaculate. At the end of the day, the weeds will win out, and our body hair will eventually consume every inch of our bodies.

So I say to my Guys, save yourself some money. Forget the surgery and just let it ride. You’re actually trend setters, you just don’t know it yet. Because when it’s all said and done, even me, with my one hair on my chest, will become consumed by the looming forest.

Men: Do you think we should shave our body hair or remove it permanently? What does your partner say about it? Also, what kind of grooming do you prefer in your partner?

Women: Is there a major double standard going on with body hair? Do you care? How do you like to groom yourself? (Please share if you’d like) And how do you really feel about body hair on guys?

Readers,

Also check out: Part 2: I was Tiger   AND   Part 1: Cheating 

Search our archives for many more posts on the topic of cheating.

Or ask your own question. Go to the “Ask the Guys” page on our site and use the form there.

Thanks,
THE GUYS

Written by “Suburban Guy”

I think often of these lines from the song Woman by John Lennon:

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands…

Remember that “Rolling Stone” cover where a naked John Lennon is curling up at the side of a fully clothed Yoko? Most people find it disturbing. I don’t, not really, even though it’s not really attractive.

Here’s a link to the photo I’m talking about:

Rolling Stone Cover

I know what he’s trying to say, and I solute his bravery to be so open about it. In my opinion, most men, unless they have done inner child work of some sort (like John Lennon did), won’t admit the need they feel deep inside to be connected to a woman this powerfully. There is an inner child who yearns to be absolutely adored, protected, loved, safe. Don’t get me wrong. That’s not all we are in a relationship. We are also strong, spontaneous, and independent in many ways, but the inner child is there for most of us, influencing, driving, even pushing us to the point of frustration and in some extreme cases inappropriate acts.

Some men realize the inner drive of that child and are able to integrate it into life and relationships in meaningful ways. I’m still working on that personally, and I realized how much time and work it takes. But some men are blind to their inner child, and it hurts them and the people around them, often profoundly.

Abusive men are horrific examples of how a deeply wounded inner child can have a devastating impact. In order to appease the needs of their disfigured inner child, abusive men must absolutely possess the loyalty and attention of a woman. The slightest sign of rejection or “disloyalty” (read: a look, a hint of rejection, a sign of independence) sends them into fits of rage.

People who are compulsive cheaters have a similar problem, in my mind (ala Tiger Woods or Eliot Spitzer). For them, they need that feeling of having a fresh romance or intimate encounter, one where all barriers are broken down and the egos merge, essentially — temporary possession of the total attention of a woman. Once that feeling is gone, they start searching for it anew, sometimes the very next day. They are broken and searching for something that will fix them, even if only one night at a time.

To help frame this, let me switch and consider the opposite end of the spectrum — the male who knows his inner child and has healed it in many ways. First of all, this sort of man wouldn’t walk into a relationship that is basically wrong. He wouldn’t choose a woman who his inner child needs to “possess” or who gives his inner child the opportunity to rage the way it never could before. He would choose a partner who he enjoys and who “gets” him. Secondly, he would enjoy the closeness of a good relationship without depending on it. Sex would be an opportunity to share love, warm and gentle, not an attempt to satisfy inner emotional aches and pains. And, finally, he would first and foremost want to help his partner be happy, not because he is hoping to get anything in return, but just because love like that feels really good to give.

Sounds pretty good, pretty normal, right? Yet, how many men are there? I’m not, not yet. And if you check the web for info on marital unhappiness, infidelity, divorce, “sexless” marriages, etc, etc, I think you will come up with a good number on your own. It’s not high.

That brings me back to the naked and courageous John Lennon. With that photo and in many other ways, John was a pioneer on the emotional front,  experimenting with Primal Therapy among other things. Boy do I wish he were still around. We have Bob Dole for erectile dysfunction (odd, but actually pretty brave). If only we had John Lennon working for inner child dysfunction! I think it would help a lot of people to have all of this talked about more.

I wrote this article from a limited perspective. Being a guy, I get the male inner child. But I often wish I understood the female inner child more. I know it exists. Almost no human escapes having a childhood (or just a history) unscathed. What I don’t feel like I know is the shape the female inner child takes in a relationship. Love to hear your thoughts.

THANKS!!!!!

Readers, 

Also check out: Part 1: Cheating  AND Part 3: Inner Child

Search our archives for many other posts on the topic of cheating. Or ask us a question of your own.

Go to the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a note.

Thanks,
THE GUYS

Written by “Mr. Nice Guy” the newest member of THE GUYS.

5 years ago I was Tiger.Relationship, job, personal life completely in shambles.Unfathomable amounts of pain and horrendous feelings of betrayal for my wife, family and friends.Fast forward to today and the picture is that of a faithful spouse and dedicated father with career on the fast track.Relationship with my wife is more close and real than ever before.

Is “Love” Addiction Real?

From my experience, absolutely.As a serial cheater, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, tried to stop several times, but ended up going back to my “high” as a way of coping.The rush addicts get from their drug is chemically pretty much the same whether that drug is alcohol, drugs, sex or food.And it’s not uncommon to get one under control and then have another one rage out of control.Lots of books on this.Patrick Carnes has written oodles on the topic.I know that since I’ve treated my susceptibility as an addiction, it’s been under control ever since.If you treat something like it’s an addiction and then it stops, I think the question of whether it’s an addiction or not becomes secondary.

Can Guys Change or Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Guys can absolutely change … both externally and internally.Been to your 25^th high school reunion yet?If so you know the former is true.The internal changes are tougher.For me it was lots of therapy and TLC from spouse, friends and family.Guys’ (and gals’) brains get wired at a pretty young age and if the tendency to cheat gets wired in, it takes *a lot* of work to change that wiring, but it can be done.And it’s an ongoing process.

How Did My Wife Forgive Me?

I’m not sure how she did, frankly, so what I write below should not be interpreted as me speaking for her – just “best guesses” on my part.I do know that I am eternally grateful to her for taking me back and giving me a second chance.If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope I would show the same strength, character, courage and understanding and forgive her like she did me.We still have heated arguments over it (mostly me listening) and I definitely am still earning her trust back. Forgiveness for stuff like this is not a moment in time, but a long process which requires lots of discussion, reflection, listening etc. I think one key to her forgiving me was seeing how I was taking therapy and recovery program work very seriously.She also knew that I had a very strong track record of self-improvement and knew that I was determined to live a life of integrity and leave the underworld behind.When things first hit, the support of her family and an extremely talented therapist/counselor were absolutely critical in stopping the bleeding and establishing the desire to heal.My wife also knew the addiction/mental illness spectrum up close as several of our friends and family members have battled it for a long time.Her forgiveness has been transformational for both of us.I often wonder what our (and our kids) lives would be like if she hadn’t forgiven me.Her ability to forgive literally saved my life — I am forever grateful to her and love her more than ever.

Have You Had Experiences With This?

Have you ever taken someone back after a Tiger Woods like level of betrayal?Or have you (or some woman you know) been a female version of Tiger and been forgiven?My guess would be that cases like mine where forgiveness is granted are probably the exception not the rule.

Readers, 

Also read,  Part 2: I was Tiger  AND   Part 3: Inner Child

The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.

These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.

But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”

So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree (some of  you will), agree (we hope you might) or share your personal experiences.

Thanks,

THE GUYS
“Cheating” by One of the Guys 

Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!

But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?

That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.

For Example:

Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?

Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?

Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?

What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?

Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.

Here is one example:

Mr. Do the Right Thing

A friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”

He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”

I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”

He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”

I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)

And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)

Another Example:

Mr. Cool

This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.

I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”

He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”

I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”

He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”

I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means.)

He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”

I said, “Hmmm……………”

After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.

If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.

But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.

When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.

So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?

Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?

Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?

I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)

Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:

“Well why won’t they have sex with you?

What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?

Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?

Or talk to them?

Or help around the house?

Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”

But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.

But bottom line. It’s complicated.

So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.

Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”

To ask us a question, use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page. 

Other posts on cheating:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on? 

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth? 

Is my boyfriend a cheater? 

Posted by: “Suburban Guy”

I’m in a long term relationship that’s gone sort of cold, and I recently realized that I’ve lost sight of how good a relationship can feel. So the other day, I asked my self: How good could it be? The following little vignette came to mind, and I think it paints a reasonable answer to that question, at least it does for me.

________________________

“The alarm clock goes off on a snowy Tuesday, and my wife leans over to turn it off. When she turns back, I move close and reach over. Lifting her flannel top just a little, I place my hand on her warm, soft stomach. She turns and smiles and then leans in to give me kiss, deep and open, loose and wet. It’s morning, so her breath is a little stale, but I don’t mind. The kiss is really amazing.

She ends the kiss with a little nibble of my lip. “What are you doing this morning with the snow and all? School will probably open late.”

I sigh and roll over on my back. “I have early meetings, so I need to go in regular time.”

Her hand, friendly and gentle, moves up the sleeve of my shirt to rest on my shoulder, her bare leg crosses over mine. “Wish you could stay…”

My whole body is tingling, her touch feels so good, but I know I really do have to get up. I lean in and we kiss again. “You can’t know how much I wish I could.”

I turn to get up, and her hand drops to my stomach and then runs up my shirt to my bare chest. “Maybe tonight, we can find a little time for us?”

I’m glowing inside and hating the fact that I have to leave, but I do. I have to. “That would be really great. I’ll be thinking about it all day now…” Another kiss, and then, “Anything I can do for you before I go, aside from the regular stuff?”

She rolls back, looking disappointed. “If you must go, but sure – can you change the bulb over the sink? It’s out and hard for me to reach.”

“Sure thing,” my feet are off the bed and I stand up. “I love you.”

“Me too.”

All day long, I can’t get the delightful feeling of my wife’s touch off my mind. I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have such an open, loving woman to go home to and I am tingly at the thought of disappearing under the covers with her at night, to laugh and touch and just feel really, really lost in love.

The end (I’m not going to let this get x rated…)

________________________

I know the above could never be the case all the time, but if it was just even occasionally this beautiful and simple, my whole outlook on the relationship would change. I know I own half the equation here and that I’m not always the man in that vignette either, but relationships aren’t solos. They are duets, and that means both players must work together to achieve harmony. The challenge is: how do you get back to harmony once discord has settled in?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this?

Neediness is not the most attractive quality. Women especially, seem to run as far and as fast as they can when the smell it on a guy. And I certainly can’t blame them. Neediness smacks of desperation.

Of course this is harsh and not always true. Neediness comes and goes. And it changes through the course of any relationship. Every person has moments of neediness and that’s certainly normal. Like,  “Please tell me you still love me even though you are texting your new personal trainer every night about your workouts!” And, “If you would you just tell me you still find me attractive occasionally, I’ll stop pestering you about how fat I look!”

But even then, when it seems perfectly reasonable, no one likes it. It’s like a fly that keeps bombarding you while you’re on a peaceful walk. It ruins everything.

So I’ve been feeling needy lately. Not for the reasons mentioned above. It’s because I’ve been sick for a while. First a fever, then this cough that keeps getting worse. Then that finally subsides and the fever comes back. Then I get a sinus infection, take some medicine for it and my stomach turns inside out. It’s been one thing after the next! I guess that’s how it goes.

I actually don’t get sick much, but when I do I’m a baby. I hate being sick. Even when my fever is only 99.5 I feel like total crap. My kids could have a 102 degree temp and they run around like it’s their birthday. Me, I just can’t function at all.

Anyway, I guess my wife senses my neediness and I can tell it annoys her. She does her best to be sympathetic but it’s clear my neediness is certainly NOT why she married me. Fine, I get it.

But my doctor’s office! That’s another story.

I called to make an appointment. They didn’t even call me back. I had to call back twice just to make an appointment. What,… are guys not allowed to be sick until they turn 55 or something? I mean c’mon. I know about racism and sexism, but until now I had never heard of Desperationism. I mean isn’t that against the law or something?

So I’ve learned a valuable lesson these last few weeks. The next time I’m feeling vulnerable, sensitive, sick or just queasy, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It seems to be the best way to get what you want.

Was it with the strong, silent type? They never go out of style.

DAMN THEM!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

THE GUYS were just visiting our good buddy Bluzdude and we read a very funny post about his experience with his two nephews. For a good laugh, be sure to check it out!!

But as his day with his nephews gave him new insight on what it’s like to be a parent and how difficult it is to be in the trenches day in and day out, it also got us thinking…..about marriage and partnerships.

Divorce impacts many couples. The sanctity of marriage seems to be a tenuous bond these days, easily broken by the many temptations life holds: other men, other women, more excitement, more free time, more money……the list goes on.

So what makes the bond between people strong? Well sure, LOVE. We hope that would be reason number one. And what else? Loyalty, responsibility, friendship, kids? Sure, these would all be good reasons.

But we’d like to give five reasons that maybe you hadn’t thought of. These
are moments that are NEVER, EVER spoken about, but happen in every home around the world. These are moments that bring us together in ways we never thought possible. These are true bonding experiences!

Bonding experience #1:

When couples first start dating it’s all clean and nice. They do everything they can to show their new found love, perfection…..which means pretty much keeping their “human-ness” a secret. What are we talking about? Yes, that’s right, bodily functions.
We’ve all been at dinner, a party or in the bedroom with that
horrifying urge to you know…..pass gas. But we would never dare! Not this early on in the relationship. So instead we endure hours of intense stomach pain to not give away the secret. What secret? “That we’re human!!” That’s all well and good, but in order to really move ahead in the relationship, one of the parties MUST take the leap and “deal” one.

Once that seal is broken a new bond is formed, and the relationship often catapults forward to a new level.

Bonding experience #2:

If you’ve gotten past the first stage you’re doing well. Now you may be spending a considerable amount of time with your new love and that might include sleep overs and extended time at his or her apartment.
This comes with its own unique set of challenges. One challenge high on the list, is the bathroom situation. Now you have to use the SAME bathroom. Your first instinct is to hold it, just like sleep away camp with outdoor latrines, and spiders as big as baseball gloves!  But eventually you have no choice.
First BMs(Bowel Movements) are met with embarrassed smiles, or little jokes, but that facade is just too difficult to maintain. So you have no choice but to do what you normally do. “GO!” This is the second test in the relationship. When you realize it’s not all roses, or that it doesn’t all smell like roses, and you don’t even care, you’ve now jumped your next big hurdle. From here the possibilities are endless.

Bonding Experience #3:

So things progress well and now you’re married and pregnant. Well GUYS you may want to skip this paragraph if your stomach is weak. Anyone who’s ever been part of a delivery, knows it’s not pretty, at least up until the baby part. And even that isn’t always pretty. But in any birth, anything goes. We’re talking every kind of bodily fluid imaginable. And yes GUYS, even poop. And we’re not talking from the babies.
Talk about a deep bonding experience. If a GUY can wipe that image from his mind and still see his wife as that sexy kitten he married, good for him. (Of course THE GUYS would say, our wives are even sexier AFTER giving birth, but that’s us.) And if a woman can still look her husband in the eye without feeling self-conscious that he’s seen it ALL, then intimacy will go to a whole new level!

Bonding experience #4:

And of course the obvious continuation with this is kids. What comes with those little buggers is messy diapers, poop in the pants and bodily fluids everywhere. These are not tasks meant for one person. It’s a tag team event for sure. The act of cleaning up every “episode” is enough to solidify a relationship for life. Each person gains a whole new level of respect and appreciation when sharing some of the dirtiest tasks known to man, AND woman.

Bonding experience #5:

We’d like to make just one last point. Isn’t it clear that some of the messier things in life have played a big part in bonding two people together?! But it doesn’t stop there. It’s especially important in the Golden Years of marriage. Without bodily fluids, what would we have to talk about?

THE GUYS