The Alpha Male

February 7th, 2010

It came to my attention that my seven year old son is the alpha male in his class. My wife and I would never use this terminology to describe him, but it was used by one of the other parents in the class.

Sure we think he’s wonderful, smart and cute, but all parents think that about their kids. And yes he’s a good athlete, but so are countless other boys and girls in his school and around the world.

But somehow he’s risen to a place where the boys follow him around and the girls giggle and stare. The funny thing is, he’s clueless. He isn’t basking in it, in fact he’s embarrassed by it. At least he’s embarrassed when my wife and I ask him about the girls. More on that later.

So what’s up with the alpha male? Is there a unique combination of qualities that make up the top dog, or is it just some sort of energy that makes it happen?

THE GUYS and I have always been surprised and intrigued by this phenomenon. Which Guy at a party or bar, emerges as the alpha? Which guy do the girls/women swoon over? Sometimes it’s obvious who it will be, and at other times it couldn’t be more puzzling. So what it is?

Here is our list. And keep in mind that different stages of life require different qualities to be the alpha. Also, we’re not describing what qualities we think guys should possess, but just what helps them rise to be alpha male.

Elementary School

1. Big
2. Good Athlete
3. Cute
4. Loud

High School

1. Cute
2. Good Athlete
3. Has own Car
4. Rumors of large member
5. Tall and/or big
6. Loud mouth party guy
7. “Bad Boy”
8. Confident

Adulthood

1. Good Looking
2. Lots of money
3. Famous
4. Tall
5. Funny…..no, really funny!
6. Smart….and turns that into a profit
7. Large member
8. Has cute girlfriend or wife
9. Rumors of lots of money
10. Confident
11. Add yours here. What do you think? Or what did we miss?

So back to my son.

We were all sitting having dinner together, which doesn’t happen as much as we’d like. Everyone was feeling quite cozy and happy. My daughter crawled up in my lap and said she wanted to marry me. So cute! Then my boys said they wanted to marry my wife. So since the topic of marriage and girls and boys was being thrown around, my wife mentioned to my son that some of the girls in his class thought he was cute.(She heard this from other parents.) She was just joking around with him. We didn’t expect him to get THAT upset.

But, he left the table crying. He was also mad and was yelling too. Then when my wife went in to talk to him he said angrily, “I feel like saying the F word!” (Discussion of the F word has been part of our house the last few weeks, since my oldest heard it on the bus.) Then all of a sudden I hear, “FUCK!” Now, I know this isn’t really funny, but the way it went down was just too hysterical. So I start laughing out loud. I mean he’s 7 and has no idea what it means! Soon my oldest son and my daughter were laughing too. My daughter had no clue what we were laughing about, but she joined in anyway. Of course my seven year old hears us and gets even madder. Then he says the funniest thing to my wife,

“And I’m definitely not going to marry you now!”

Now, I’m doubled over laughing. I mean, he’s being so serious. Please don’t scold me. I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but sometimes these moments just have to be enjoyed. And yes, I went in and talked to him and apologized. Of course I tell him later that he should be glad I laughed instead of grounding him. All is good. We explained that we weren’t trying to make him feel bad by telling him girls liked him. And at some point he might actually like that girls like him. But my wife and I both promised not to bring it up again. And he promised not to use the F word.

I never was the alpha male. I think there were some moments where I was close, possibly first Lieutenant, but never the top, top. I was always jealous of the top guy; in fact all guys are.

But now I see that things at the top aren’t always perfect either, especially if you don’t want all the attention.

The things you can learn from a 7 year old!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

PS. Thanks for all your support. All my stomach tests came out normal. I’m thinking I may have an allergy or something. Seeing the doc on Tuesday to go over things.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, parenting, relationships | 6 Comments »

The Bowels of Humiliation

February 3rd, 2010

After six weeks of strange stomach pains I finally went to see a Gastroenterologist. It’s hard for me to even type it, so you can imagine how hard it was to dial the number and make an appointment.

But at the urging of my nurse wife, I did it.

Now I know there are way scarier doctors to visit, but no doctor comes with such a mix of embarrassment, humiliation and boundary crossing than the Gastro doctor.

It is common knowledge that guys love to joke about farts and all things related to gas. But we draw the line there. All of sudden this wasn’t so funny. So here’s how it went during my first visit to the doctor.

Doctor: So what brings you here?

Me: (Thinking) C’mon give me a break. Are you serious? Do I have to say it?

Me:(Speaking) I’m having some stomach issues.

Doctor: What kind of stomach issues?

Me:(Thinking) I am going to have to say it! Damn!

Me: (Speaking) You know…um…..stomach pain and you know…

Doctor: You mean diarrhea?

Me: (Thinking) FUCK! (sorry, there’s only word word that’s appropriate.)

Me: (Talking) Yeah, diarrhea!

And the conversation only goes downhill from there. Now poop, farts and bowel jokes aren’t so funny, especially when he suggests….or ORDERS….a Colonoscopy. (To get some real answers he says.)

I’m thinking, “Isn’t that why I’m here?”

So I make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. Even the phone call is embarrassing, but I deal. I guess I don’t have to impress the secretaries or anything. But I pray that I don’t know them because the procedure is being done in the town I live in. Great!

For any of you that have never had one of these lovely exams you probably picture it and cringe. Well, guess what. The exam isn’t the problem. Sure it has it’s share of embarrassment and humiliation, but the real trial is the prep.

For those of you who have had this procedure, you know the prep is brutal. You have to cleanse, so to speak. How? This involves drinking 4 liters of the nastiest, thick liquid you can imagine. I mean, I can only stand drinking four glasses of water a day. So now I’m drinking four liters in about two hours or so. And of course every time I drink, I have to GO. Lovely! Of course, I lost about four pounds. Not that I needed to, but it could be a nice fringe benefit to focus on if you’re up for the test.

Anyway, I got through it all. Results were normal. That’s good….. Well not exactly.

Doctor: So things look good. But we don’t really have any answers, so I’m recommending you get an Endoscopy!

Me: (Thinking) Are you kidding me? Are you trying to make some extra cash to fly to Florida this winter?

Me: (Speaking) Really? Fine……ah, what’s that?

Doctor: It’s nothing compared to the last exam. You just can’t eat or drink anything after midnight.

Of course then he mentions the tube down my throat. My heart sinks. I don’t want a tube down my throat. My tonsils are so damn big, I can barely swallow a semi-chewed piece of chicken let alone a tube. But I figure, if this is my month to have tubes stuck in different orifices so be it. Let’s just get it over with!

Then I think, “Is this what women are thinking when their guy asks them for certain…ah….um…..requests.” God, I hope not.

But now that I’ve endured The Backdoor. And now about to have Pie Hole Donor I begin to wonder???

Well, I get through it. Actually, more like I sleep through it. Afterwards my wife and I meet the doctor and he says everything looks good. I think, “Great.” Once again, good and bad news.

Doctor: There’s just one more test we should do to be completely thorough.

Me: (Thinking) I’m going to beat this dude to a pulp soon.

Me: (Speaking) What is it?

Doctor: It’s called a Small Bowel Series.

Me: (Speaking) Fine. Let’s finish this.

Doctor: This is the easiest test yet.

However, there’s nothing SMALL about this test. No, it’s not that bad, but it’s still humiliating. Why?

My test was in the radiology department at the local hospital. The place has been pretty good to us. Our daughter was born there, so I don’t mind it that much.

They’re on time, which is even better. I get called. The nurse says I have to change out of my jeans and put on a jimmy and robe. I unhappily comply. Then they take an initial picture of my intestines and I’m good to go. No, not leave. Now for the good part. I get to drink the Barium. What’s that? Barium is a chalky white, thick substance that helps them see your insides easier. It’s not pleasant, but at least it’s not two liters. More like drinking two sodas, except it takes like chalky shit.

Then I go get another picture taken to see where the Barium is in my system. The nurse says, “It’s still in your stomach. The best thing you can do is walk around to get your system moving.”

Me: What do you mean?

Nurse: Just walk around this little loop.

Me: (Thinking) Are you freakin nuts!?? I have to walk around the hospital in my freakin’ Jimmy!!! When does the humiliation end?

So now two other patients and I are doing laps around this loop in the hospital. We pass each other and nod and smile.

Can we say, AWKWARD!

Basically, we’re all walking around waiting for this white, thick, mucousy substance to pass through our stomachs and into our bowels.

Can we also say, TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

So I start walking faster. Screw this. I start lapping these other patients and I stop smiling at them. I mean business.

Then the one patient says to me, “The faster you walk the slower it works.”

I think, “Are you seriously talking to me? We’re not at a party dude, we’re walking around in a public place in our hospital pajamas. Please don’t talk to me!”  I feel like saying, “Oh, stick a tube in your damn pie hole!” But I just nod and half smile. Sometimes I’m too damn polite! BUT……………………………

I win. I get called first and I’m outta there ten minutes later. He’s still walking when I leave. SUCKER!!!

Of course, I then have to deal with the aftermath. Chalky fireworks. But hey, at least it’s in the comfort of my own bathroom.

No results yet, but I’ll stop now. You all must be pooped by now!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Humor, guys | 17 Comments »

Conflict, Grudges and Politics

January 31st, 2010

Conflict is part of every relationship. No two people are going to agree on everything. Sure, we’d like to find someone who is on the same page as us when it comes to children, religion, politics or our favorite sports team. But that is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s still plenty to argue about; think money and sex.

For many years we’ve all heard that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. And that may be true, but it’s not the reason people have conflicts in their relationships. It’s more often about HOW the two people argue and whether it’s constructive or not. When it’s not, often there’s a grudge holder in the mix that has a hard time letting go.

So what constitutes fighting badly?

1. Getting off topic and bringing up the past.

Dragging old arguments into new ones is just bad, bad, bad. But so easy to do! :) Politicians are good at this.

2. Comparing the other person to someone they know you don’t like.

This is will escalate the discussion into a fight faster than you can say……Dick Cheney.

3. Hurling insults or swears.

Like calling each other a Sarah Palin. There’s no reconciliation after you go rogue.

4. Constantly cutting off the other person to make your point. Or basically not listening.

Or you could call this “Rush Limbaughing” to judgement.

5. Holding a grudge.

Hmmm……..I’m not even going there on this one.

By the time you get to number 5, the discussion/argument/fight is over for one person, but not the other. The second person clings to the problem obsessively, preferring to be right over resolving the conflict. Sometimes, this only lasts for a short while and they they come to their senses. Sometimes it goes on forever and it gets brought up in the next argument, and so on.

This is the kind of argument that goes on in Washington every day. Bad fighting and grudge holding run in perpetual motion 365 days of the year. But we actually now have a president who’s trying to break the cycle and get down to the basic task of fixing this broken country. It’s a shame both sides can’t just work together.

And although, I stand behind the president, there are many on both sides who won’t let go of some of their grudges. For change to happen and problems to be solved, we need at least some of these people to forgive and forget.

But if that can’t happen, we can at least do our best to take care of our own business. We can take care of our little kingdoms scattered across this country. Because in actuality, we aren’t from Venus or Mars, but from this little planet called Earth.

ALL OF US!

THE GUYS

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Ideas, pop culture | 16 Comments »

The Balancing Act of an Artist

January 27th, 2010

From “ONE of THE GUYS”

When people ask me what I do, I say, “It’s simple. Imagine a jar filled with rocks. The jar is everyday life, the rocks are my kids and my wife.”

“But what about you?” they say.

“I am the sand that gets poured in to fill all the cracks,” I say.

And you know what, that’s exactly what it’s like! I am a musician, writer, and teacher. Basically an artist as one would define it. This pursuit allows me a lot of flexibility in my schedule, so I’m able to make our busy lives a little less crazed, and metaphorically “fill the jar.”

To be an artist and do it “right” you have to immerse yourself in your chosen field, whether it’s composition, painting, writing, pottery, performance or whatever. You have to live and breathe your art. And you have to be open enough to say yes to every possible opportunity. If you don’t allow yourself the freedom to go on tour, or work whenever the muse hits, or move to a new city because you found a better environment to do your work in, you have to figure out a way to enjoy the small victories.

I’ve chosen to live a more “normal” life; one with a family that I actually spend time with on a regular basis. So I am not doing it “right.” In fact, being a  father and husband is diametrically opposed to being a true artist, mainly because of the time and commitment constraints. So, I’m forced to become as malleable as a young child’s mind and say yes to every little job that comes my way. Like this to a prospective student:

“Sure I can teach you. What time? 2am? No problem, I’ll be there after my gig.” When I say yes to something like that, I feel like a cheap whore, willing to turn any trick just to make a buck.

I would argue that anyone who’s living through, or has lived through, the trials, victories and defeats of raising children has much to bring to his or her art. It’s just that there is no time to actually bring it. Sure, some people can do it, but it’s not easy, and it feels contrived somehow to try and fit it in. That doesn’t sound very romantic and certainly is not what a “real” artist would do. A “real” artist sleeps until whenever. Works all day. Meets up with the rest of the local artists at the cafe in the late afternoon. And then after drinks and discussions, resumes working until the wee hours of the morning.

Of course I know that’s total BS and just the way I envision it to be. The world really isn’t like that anymore. The reality is, living costs money, and whether you have kids or not, the bills need to be paid and food has to be bought. So maybe, doing it “right” is all a matter of perception. Hmm…….

So fine, I can live with small victories. A cool gig here and there. A fun recording session; that actually pays! Some great comments here on The Guy’s Perspective, or releasing a CD or book. Because I don’t write this out of bitterness. I made my choices and I’m generally happy with them. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them to be famous.

But damn, it does seem like every time I have something interesting scheduled, something comes up with my kids, my family or just life in general. I mean it’s uncanny, like the fates are conspiring against me.

I know many of you reading this are also struggling with balancing your artistic endeavors with your domestic responsibilities. How do you make it all work? How do you balance things? Do you feel like a cheap whore too?

Well gotta run. Master calls. I got a sick kid who’s ringing the bell for me. Ahh, the life of an artist. Isn’t it grand?


Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 26 Comments »

The Duality of Men

January 24th, 2010

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes too. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat, fierceness and loyalty; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see HER! Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….we say, I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in). Our point, we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please!

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, relationships | 16 Comments »

Just Throw the Flag!

January 21st, 2010

For about four years in my twenties I didn’t own a TV. Those were my pseudo intellectual years where I was consuming every book I could get my hands on, making up for teen apathy. I didn’t really think much of it. I was too busy trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to be when I grew up. That was pretty damn time consuming.

But now, years later, I do in fact own a TV;  mainly because I love watching sports.

Yes, I’m a book loving, information seeking guy, who is also stereotypically into competition and sports. The thrill of conquest, or at least watching conquest, is hard wired into my brain along with the millions of other men around the globe. If we had our first choice, it would be us out there on the field or on the court, but since life has taken us in different directions, we’re satisfied to live vicariously through our heroes, or anti-heroes. (There’s that hero word again!)

But this post wasn’t going to be about that. I had something completely different in mind.

I was watching the football playoffs on TV and shouting at the refs for not calling a particular penalty. I kept yelling, “Just throw the flag!” At the same time, my boys wouldn’t stop arguing about some silly little toy that neither had played with since they were four. (They’re now nine and seven.) I kept telling them to knock it off, but they just wouldn’t stop. What is up with boys??? And then they turn into men. (A topic for another time.)

Then it hit me. I needed to go out and buy two yellow flags to keep on my person at all times. And two for my wife. What if we started running our house like a football game?  A game where we’d be the referees.

Here are the rules:

1. Father or mother both carry flags.

2. Penalties include, but not limited to:  fighting with siblings, not listening to parents, bouncing balls off walls, picking nose and putting on table while we’re eating, throwing shoes anywhere and everywhere when coming home from school, not flushing toilet with large poop in it, whining about homework and piano practice, etc.

3. Flags can be thrown for any of these infractions.

4. Once flag is thrown everyone must freeze.

5. Said parent announces to house what the infraction was and how the penalty will be assessed.

6. If this direction is not followed, a second penalty will be assessed.

7. (And this is the best part) Whomever the penalty is on, must pick up the flag and hand it back to parent….. and then apologize. (I love that!!!)

And the fringe benefit to this? I won’t even need to own a TV anymore. Because instead of watching, I’ll actually be part of the game…..or more like in charge. Sweet!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Humor, guys, parenting, relationships | 10 Comments »

How are you? A simple multiple choice question.

January 20th, 2010

As I was walking into the grocery store the other day I saw a friend of mine.
He smiled and said, “How are you?”

I had a lot on my mind at that moment and I proceeded to tell him how I was doing.  When I looked up, I could see the look of horror on his face. Clearly I had violated appropriate social etiquette.

“How are you?” is a simple multiple choice question for which there are only two appropriate answers.

a) Good

b) Fine

Anything else is a breach of “said” social contract which we all unwittingly agree to, in order to function in our complex society.

So does anyone really care how anyone else is? Possibly, but that’s yet to be determined.

So let’s look at three possible scenarios for why this kind of interaction is taking place across the nation on a regular basis.

1. We truly don’t care about other people because we’re too wrapped up in our own little world.

2. We constantly feel like we’re rushing, so we don’t feel like we have the time to really care.

3. We’ve forgotten how to listen. Or we never learned how to listen. Or listening makes us uncomfortable.

I try hard not to fall into any of these camps, but if I do it would be the second camp. I’m overwhelmed with everything I feel I need to do. But much of it is self-imposed. Do I really need to check my email while my wife is trying to talk to me? Or cut the lawn instead of playing with my kids? Or just let time determine my interactions?

As for Guys in general, we are often accused of being in the third camp. Of course being a Guy, I feel like this is totally unfair. Yes, we’re easily distracted, but we do know how to listen, we just need to be interested in the topic at hand. But that’s not really being a good listener is it? It really shouldn’t matter what the topic is. Lending an ear to someone is about getting beyond yourself. The Guys are working on it!

In what camp do you fall if any?

So having said all of that, sometimes I just don’t want to DEAL. So I’ve begun to devise a system that might help us all deal a little easier. It’s pretty easy. Body parts symbolize certain things. You just nod and point. I’ll give you a few examples.

The Easy Way Out: How to not say, “How are you?”

Nod and put finger to mouth: This means I’m good, but I’m hungry. Stay away or you might get bitten.

Nod and point to crotch: This means I need to find a bathroom quickly, so no time to chat.

Nod and stick hands in armpits: Get back for your own protection. I haven’t showered.

Any other suggestions are welcome!

One thing my system makes very clear. You know if you walk by me and I say, “How are you?” I actually really want you to answer…..truthfully!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, guys, relationships | 16 Comments »

Comics and Superheroes

January 15th, 2010

Every Guy at some point or another wishes he was a superhero. It’s in our blood. We’d all like to be the Guy whom everyone loves. The Guy who saves the day, gets the girl and is adored by “fans” worldwide. Or maybe even sweeter, use our powers to exact revenge on the bullies or evil people of the world.

Of course, this is all fantasy, along with our dreams of Farrah Fawcett and the Bond Girls. So we turn to comic books to live vicariously through our favorite heroes.

All these memories came flooding back to me when my son asked me to take him to the comic book store yesterday. I remember visiting my grandma walking down Bliss Rd. to the neighborhood pharmacy. Back then comics went for 15 cents. (Now of course they’re $2.99 and more.) The pharmacy was next to the very first Friendly’s restaurant where we could buy Fribbles and enjoy our favorite heroes. Talk about a one-two punch!!! WHAM!!!!

I also remember taking the Rapid Transit with a friend at ten year’s of age to the comic store in the old “Mall” in the big city. I mean really!?? By ourselves!!! At this “Mall” we instinctively knew not to use the public restrooms. Bad things could happen in there. Bad things did happen in there. We kept to ourselves, took care of business and went home. But I mean, REALLY??? How times have changed. These days, as much as I want to be a progressive, I keep a close watch on my kids. I mean, they’re not super heroes you know!

“Iron Man” was my favorite hero. This is way before Robert Downey Jr. became a star, then a drug addled nobody, then a star again. “Iron Man” wasn’t even one of Marvel Comics’ most popular heroes. But that’s why I liked him. He was different. I wanted to be unique myself, so I identified with him.

I remember going into the big Comic Store one day with $10, which was a ton of money for a kid, 35 years ago. Iron Man #1 was about $7 at the time. But if I skipped that, I could get Iron Man #2-#6 for my $10. It was an easy choice. I was all about volume. At that time kids collected for the sake of collecting. We didn’t put our baseball cards in plastic sleeves, we flipped, traded and enjoyed them. The same with our comic books. We actually read them and discussed them and dreamed of being comic book artists and writers. What a fun time in the life of a young guy!

Comics have changed a lot since then. Sure you still have your super hero genre, but now we have, Horror, Comedy, Alternative, etc. So much to choose from. So many fantasies to have. (In a moment we’ll be talking about one of our buddies and his new comic.) But let’s finish our story.

Guys never give up their fantasy of being super heroes, we just lower our expectations a ton. Instead of flying from the sky and saving the damsel, we
hope that we are the “best” our woman’s ever had. (Yes, we’ll even believe a lie!) Instead of saving the city from a giant monster, we fix something around the house. Even helping an elderly person cross the street makes us feel a little bit like a hero….especially if our girlfriend or wife sees us do it.

But it’s our kids that we have the best chance with. That’s if we don’t screw it up. For some reason they give us credit for stuff that we have no business getting credit for. Here’s a few clips from my house:

My Boys: Dad, you’re probably better at basketball than Lebron James.

Me: Ahh, thanks boys. Sorry, but no Lebron’s a little better than me.

My Daughter: You’ve been to the moon right?

Me: (Laughing to myself) Well, not actually. But I like the moon.

These kind of questions and statements go on all day. I cringe to think of the day they realize I’m just an ordinary guy doing the best I can to be a good dad, a good husband and provide for the family any way I can. Certainly not blogging!!

So even though I’ll never actually be a superhero in the true sense of the word, that’s OK. As long as my wife and my kids think I’m pretty cool, I can live with that.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

PS:

THE GUYS would like to congratulate their friend, Chuck Harrison, the author of Decaffeinated Coffee for his great news! Chuck’s new comic, “NewBot” was one of ten comic books selected by Zuda comics to compete for a comic book contract with DC comics!

This is a contest. Which means he needs votes. We’ve voted for him, but he could certainly use a little extra help.

PLEASE HELP CHUCK BECOME A TRUE SUPERHERO TO HIS KIDS AND WIFE!

New Bot Comic

So here’s what you do.

1. go to http://www.zudacomics.com/node/1717 and click the SIGN UP! button in the upper right hand corner. (If you already have a Zuda account proceed to step four)

2.Enter your email and make up a user name.

3.  Got to the VOTE section and find NewBot.

4. Vote, add to your favorites and give NewBot a five star rating!

It’s a great comic so enjoy! And thanks in advance.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Guest Writers, guys | 11 Comments »

Screw PC!!

January 13th, 2010

Over the summer I asked my daughter what she was looking forward to most about kindergarten and one of things she said was the bus ride. For my older boys the bus ride has represented a new found independence that has been exhilarating for them. My daughter could sense that as well. Her first taste of freedom. Ahh, so good!

For the most part the bus ride AND kindergarten have lived up to her expectations, but a few recent incidents have gotten my blood boiling.

One day a bunch of six grade boys got in trouble at school, which means they had to wait until all the kids boarded the bus, which also meant they ended up having to sit with the kindergartners in the front. That in itself was probably not the best idea, but for the majority of kids it would have been fine. However, apparently not for these six grade boys.

They started talking to my daughter and making jokes. She is pretty cute, but most kindergartners are. Anyway, one of the knuckleheads says, “So and so will give you a kiss if you give him a high five.” Now right there I’m alarmed. Luckily my daughter is pretty smart and tough, two brothers and all, and she says, “NO!”

Good for her. But bad for these boys. I call the principal the next day and have a meeting with him. Maybe this was all in fun, but I don’t care. I tell him in no uncertain terms that this should not be going on. He agrees. And he speaks to the boys and explains to them why that was not OK. He calls me and says he believes they just didn’t get it and now they understand. OK, I was a boy once and I know how clueless I was.(Hitting the girls I liked with snow balls in the head?!) So, I try to move on.

But NO! The very next day some boys in first and second grade starts teasing my daughter and yelling to the back of the boys that she kissed so and so. She’s saying in her little kindergarten voice, “It’s not true!” “It’s not true!”

Now I’m livid, but still trying to keep cool about it. This should not be happening! Generally I’m not one of these parents that makes a stink about every little incident. But when it comes to older boys and my five year old daughter, forget it!

I make another phone call to the same principal. He calls the other principal. (Two different schools ride this bus.) Another discussion ensues. Problem resolved. I hope.

But I’m still pissed off!! And I don’t trust completely that it’s over.

Let me fill in for one second. I believe that most problems are better resolved between kids, but this just feels different to me. As a parent we constantly have to critique every situation and ask ourselves, “Should we intervene?” In most cases the answer is no. Let the kids work things out for themselves. And in most cases, that’s what I do.

More back drop: I also have two boys who are a little older than my daughter and who ride the bus too. Now you’re probably wondering, what are her two older brothers doing while this is going on? Me too?!!

I pull my boys aside and ask them this very question. Although to be fair, they’re only in first grade and in third grade. And they’re just as clueless as the other boys.

They say, “Dad, we didn’t even know this was going on.”

They ride in the back of the bus having a grand time. They’re in their glory back there! But I say,”You need to look out for one other. That’s what brothers and sisters do.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve only gotten into one fight in my life and that was over in about five seconds. Stupid!  I don’t avoid conflict, I just avoid fights. I would never want to put my boys in harms way either. But a united front can go a long way in “solving” a problem. Most of the time, the threat is enough. So I pull my third grader aside and I say to him. “You have my permission to take care of the situation if negotiating doesn’t work.”

I know, I know. But dammit sometimes talking isn’t enough. I don’t want him to get in a fight. Absolutely not!  And do I want him to “use his words first?” Of course I do!! I expect it. And do I want him to seek adult help after he tries to resolve the problem. Absolutely!

But you know what, sometimes you just gotta say, “SCREW PC!”

The world of kids hasn’t changed that much in the last thirty years. It can be as cut throat  and nasty as the adult world, or worse. And sometimes a thinly veiled threat is what it might take for a little kindergarten girl to enjoy her first bus rides to school.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

ps. At this time there have been no threats reported on bus number 13!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, kids, parenting, relationships | 14 Comments »

We don’t care what you do!

January 12th, 2010

I read a recent post from one of my blogging friends, The Love Skeptic. It was a fun description of her New Year’s eve escapades with a great guy she met. Visit her blog to read the details.

However, after it was all said and done, nothing every transpired beyond that night. She said it was a matter of demographics…..a difference of demographics that is.

That got me thinking. Is that really true? And is it true for guys the same as it is for women? Do we really care about demographics when it comes to dating?

It reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to date a cashier, who just so happens to be pretty attractive. What makes that episode so funny is that this female cashier comes to one of his shows and thinks he’s not funny at all. Jerry then visits her the next day at her job. Here’s how it goes down.

Cashier Girl: I can’t date you anymore.

Jerry: Why not?

Cashier Girl: I saw your show. You’re not funny. I can’t date someone I don’t respect.

Jerry: You’re a cashier!!!

So funny and so true. Generally guys don’t care what a women does for work, or how much money she has in the bank. If he’s attracted to her he’ll go for it. Of course going for it, is likely to mean, getting her in bed and nothing else, but that depends on the guy. He’s just as likely to bring home the girl who works at the comic store as the girl who works at the law firm.

Having said that, I do believe it’s much easier to date someone with a similar background including  race, religion, class and education. But from my experience, those things matter much less than similar values, morals, humor and common sense. THE GUYS and I agree on this.

But where do the women stand on this?  It seems that security is often cited as a predominant factor for finding Mr. Right. Which is what often leads to short, bald guys with large wallets, walking around with six foot models from Eastern Europe. But do our women readers really care about demographics or race when choosing a mate? Please do tell!!

And for the rest of the GUYS who I haven’t consulted, what’s your take on all of this?

As for me, I’m married to an RN, which of course is short for Registered Nurse. But as far as I’m concerned she could just as easily been an RC……
Rodeo Clown.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Essays, Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, guys, relationships | 18 Comments »

« Older Entries