After six weeks of strange stomach pains I finally went to see a Gastroenterologist. It’s hard for me to even type it, so you can imagine how hard it was to dial the number and make an appointment.
But at the urging of my nurse wife, I did it.
Now I know there are way scarier doctors to visit, but no doctor comes with such a mix of embarrassment, humiliation and boundary crossing than the Gastro doctor.
It is common knowledge that guys love to joke about farts and all things related to gas. But we draw the line there. All of sudden this wasn’t so funny. So here’s how it went during my first visit to the doctor.
Doctor: So what brings you here?
Me: (Thinking) C’mon give me a break. Are you serious? Do I have to say it?
Me:(Speaking) I’m having some stomach issues.
Doctor: What kind of stomach issues?
Me:(Thinking) I am going to have to say it! Damn!
Me: (Speaking) You know…um…..stomach pain and you know…
Doctor: You mean diarrhea?
Me: (Thinking) FUCK! (sorry, there’s only word word that’s appropriate.)
Me: (Talking) Yeah, diarrhea!
And the conversation only goes downhill from there. Now poop, farts and bowel jokes aren’t so funny, especially when he suggests….or ORDERS….a Colonoscopy. (To get some real answers he says.)
I’m thinking, “Isn’t that why I’m here?”
So I make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. Even the phone call is embarrassing, but I deal. I guess I don’t have to impress the secretaries or anything. But I pray that I don’t know them because the procedure is being done in the town I live in. Great!
For any of you that have never had one of these lovely exams you probably picture it and cringe. Well, guess what. The exam isn’t the problem. Sure it has it’s share of embarrassment and humiliation, but the real trial is the prep.
For those of you who have had this procedure, you know the prep is brutal. You have to cleanse, so to speak. How? This involves drinking 4 liters of the nastiest, thick liquid you can imagine. I mean, I can only stand drinking four glasses of water a day. So now I’m drinking four liters in about two hours or so. And of course every time I drink, I have to GO. Lovely! Of course, I lost about four pounds. Not that I needed to, but it could be a nice fringe benefit to focus on if you’re up for the test.
Anyway, I got through it all. Results were normal. That’s good….. Well not exactly.
Doctor: So things look good. But we don’t really have any answers, so I’m recommending you get an Endoscopy!
Me: (Thinking) Are you kidding me? Are you trying to make some extra cash to fly to Florida this winter?
Me: (Speaking) Really? Fine……ah, what’s that?
Doctor: It’s nothing compared to the last exam. You just can’t eat or drink anything after midnight.
Of course then he mentions the tube down my throat. My heart sinks. I don’t want a tube down my throat. My tonsils are so damn big, I can barely swallow a semi-chewed piece of chicken let alone a tube. But I figure, if this is my month to have tubes stuck in different orifices so be it. Let’s just get it over with!
Then I think, “Is this what women are thinking when their guy asks them for certain…ah….um…..requests.” God, I hope not.
But now that I’ve endured The Backdoor. And now about to have Pie Hole Donor I begin to wonder???
Well, I get through it. Actually, more like I sleep through it. Afterwards my wife and I meet the doctor and he says everything looks good. I think, “Great.” Once again, good and bad news.
Doctor: There’s just one more test we should do to be completely thorough.
Me: (Thinking) I’m going to beat this dude to a pulp soon.
Me: (Speaking) What is it?
Doctor: It’s called a Small Bowel Series.
Me: (Speaking) Fine. Let’s finish this.
Doctor: This is the easiest test yet.
However, there’s nothing SMALL about this test. No, it’s not that bad, but it’s still humiliating. Why?
My test was in the radiology department at the local hospital. The place has been pretty good to us. Our daughter was born there, so I don’t mind it that much.
They’re on time, which is even better. I get called. The nurse says I have to change out of my jeans and put on a jimmy and robe. I unhappily comply. Then they take an initial picture of my intestines and I’m good to go. No, not leave. Now for the good part. I get to drink the Barium. What’s that? Barium is a chalky white, thick substance that helps them see your insides easier. It’s not pleasant, but at least it’s not two liters. More like drinking two sodas, except it takes like chalky shit.
Then I go get another picture taken to see where the Barium is in my system. The nurse says, “It’s still in your stomach. The best thing you can do is walk around to get your system moving.”
Me: What do you mean?
Nurse: Just walk around this little loop.
Me: (Thinking) Are you freakin nuts!?? I have to walk around the hospital in my freakin’ Jimmy!!! When does the humiliation end?
So now two other patients and I are doing laps around this loop in the hospital. We pass each other and nod and smile.
Can we say, AWKWARD!
Basically, we’re all walking around waiting for this white, thick, mucousy substance to pass through our stomachs and into our bowels.
Can we also say, TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
So I start walking faster. Screw this. I start lapping these other patients and I stop smiling at them. I mean business.
Then the one patient says to me, “The faster you walk the slower it works.”
I think, “Are you seriously talking to me? We’re not at a party dude, we’re walking around in a public place in our hospital pajamas. Please don’t talk to me!” I feel like saying, “Oh, stick a tube in your damn pie hole!” But I just nod and half smile. Sometimes I’m too damn polite! BUT……………………………
I win. I get called first and I’m outta there ten minutes later. He’s still walking when I leave. SUCKER!!!
Of course, I then have to deal with the aftermath. Chalky fireworks. But hey, at least it’s in the comfort of my own bathroom.
No results yet, but I’ll stop now. You all must be pooped by now!!
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Tags: bowels, colonoscopy, doctor, embarrassment, endoscopy, exams, hospital, humiliation, stomach
I’m trying not to laugh out loud here…^_^ *tries to keep her poker face*
I hope nothing is wrong though!! Take it easy and keep us posted!
Yuck! I don’t like doctors anyway, and this just sounds so dreadful. All those tests, it’s just more reinforcement for me as to why they call it “practicing” medicine. I want to wait until they’re fully rehearsed.
I think they’re taking secret pictures of your face, every time the doctor mentions needing a new test. Then they post them in the break room.
Been there, done that, got the hospital jammies.
You sure make it sound like more fun, though.
The barium is the WORST. I have to go for frequent CT scans and drink a huge uber-sweet orange flavored drink for that, no easy feat to stomach, but I’d drink a thousand of those over one barium cocktail. And the prep stuff for the colonoscopy? It just made me so COOOOOOOLD!.
Keeping my fingers crossed that everything (no pun intended here) comes out alright. And that all you guys remember the fear of having a tube inserted into your throat the next you even think about…well, never mind.
Yeah, Guy, I can empathize with you. None of the nurses whistled at you and try to take advantage of you, did they? No? Well they did me and was just horrirfied and a…. tiny bit “woody”. LOL
But seriously, I’ve had my hemorrhoids checked, drank the Barium before for various operations, 2 operations and had my balls checked by a REAL doctor I don’t know how many times. My wife, like I’ve posted recently about, has had both the anal intruder procedure done on her and the tube down the gullet thing done. Luckily, they had her on some Demoral so she was cool with it, for the most part. Still, I feel for ya.
I think this was an over share buddy! Jesus God! Take a fucking laxative next time!
At least you’ll think twice the next time you ask your wife to blow you won’t ya???? Lucky her!!!!!
Glad everything’s looking like it might be COMING OUT better now! I heart you guys!
And I think now that I am a frequent visitor you should amend your blog header to include “why THE GUYS are endorsed by mommies, office nerds, the girl next door , CEOs and average joe’s, and CRAZY BRUNETTES.” or something to that effect.
Because I do not fit in any of those preceding categories! Think it over!!!
Oh this brings back memories I could easily forget, thus good luck with the test results…I’ll be waiting to hear…and hope all is perfect and maybe you’ve been eating something which is causing an allergic reaction to your stomach..spices or breads,
Dorothy form grammology
grammology.com
@Ethelmae, TJ, Dorothy……..it looks like all tests were normal. Hmmm……..now what. Maybe it’s an allergy to dairy. Damn cows! I knew they were up to no good.
@Tina…..I’m right with ya. Sometimes you wonder about all these tests. Couldn’t there be an easier way??!!
@Ashley…….we’ll give that some thought for sure…..ya Crazy Brunette!!
@Bluzdude…….I don’t doubt it! Because why else would you become a Gastroenterologist? Unless you just like being
called “Ass man” like on Seinfeld.
@Kelly……yes, the drugs help. In fact I don’t recall any of the first two exams.
Ok I’m trying so hard not to life…. but your telling of this story is just to funnY!!!! I would have been embarassed to. Hopefully everything will turn out ok. I don’t know if you watch Two & a Half Men but thru the whole telling of this story I was thinking about the Episode when Charlie had this test done
Good luck! Hopefully no more tests!
This is one hilarious post, Guys! I was laughing so hard because we all go through these shameful moments. Ask your wife what happens when she has to go to a gynecologist and has to deal with the stirrups AND his conversation!
All that being said, please let us know how things work out. We have all been following you through this time of not feeling well and just want to let you know we care. You sure deserve some pampering now.
I’ve had a colonoscopy & had to drink the barium stuff. Neither experience was pleasant. The doctor promised with the colonoscopy that I’d be floating during the procedure. Nope. I floated when I got back to the room when the drugs finally kicked in. I was fully awake though when they stuck that video camera where the doesn’t shine. Nothing spells fun like laying on your side and looking at the inside of your intestines on a TV screen.
Then there’s the barium stuff. All I remember about it was taking a sip, throwing up that sip, taking a sip, throwing up a sip, and the nurse yelling at me for doing so. At least I didn’t have to do laps around the hall.
BTW, I gave you the Happy 101 Blog Award on my blog for being one of my top commenters in January. Stop by and pick it up when you get a chance.
Thanks! We’ll check it out.
Yeah Um, I can TOTALLY relate to this post! I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and Celiacs awhile back, and I had to endure ALL of those tests!
And I can attest to the fact that The PREP for the big C was way worse than the actual procedure, having an Endoscopy was less traumatic, but drinking the Barium was a moment in my life I NEVER want to relive! That’s for sure!!
I’m supposed to have a colonoscopy. It’s when I hear the prep is worse than the procedure that I get disturbed.
I have done that PREP for other surgeries and yeah – so NOT fun. The worst part is expecting to lose a pound or two which doesn’t even happen!
Sorry you’re going through such a shitty time. (*giggle*)
Good luck!
Charlene
The Balance Beam Babe
I believe it will all turn out alright. Have a great week ahead.
I couldn’t help but laugh a bit whilst reading through , but it looks like it’s all good now ….from the Normal results ? .. Wish you well
Yikes!! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad you have your sense of humor to get you through. I used to have a lot of stomach trouble and I’ve been through part of that pain and embarrassment. Once I got a really cute male doc and had to tell him the consistancy and frequency of my poo. Talk about humiliating!!! Hope it’s nothing serious for you buddy.
Yikes. Sorry you had to go through this. Fun piece, though.
By the way, whenever I go through some awful experience, while I’m going through it I keep telling myself that at least I’ll have a funny humor column when it’s over. And that makes it all worth while. Then again, maybe not.
I’m with Mad Kane: Everything is material for the blog. I have gone through all those tests and, unfortunately, more, and I like your take these wonderful experiences. Hey, if it doesn’t kill you . . .
Anyway, my take was called The Genie Is Out Of The Orifice
http://www.i-cant-believe-im-not-bitter.com/2009/mar/the-genie-is-out-of-the-orifice.html