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The Looming Forest

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

Written by:  “One of The Guys”

Hair(As defined by Webster): Any of the fine, threadlike outgrowths from the skin of an animal or human being.

Body Hair(As defined by The Guys): Any of the above mentioned hair that grows all the places we don’t want it to.

The topic of body hair was brought up recently at one of our round table discussions. Apparently a few of our comrades have recently been contemplating full body laser surgery, to remove their full bodied rugs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you’ve ever seen the “40 Year Old Virgin” you’ll know what I mean. The hair waxing scene is one of the funniest moments in that movie.

But laser surgery!? Is body hair really that bad? Let’s examine the pros and cons.

On the pro side.

1. It keeps you warm. No  need to put on that extra sweater in the winter.

2. You can hide things in there. Like that piece of gold you don’t want to declare at customs. Very handy.

3. No need to buy a Halloween costume….ever!  The Wolf Man is always en vogue.

4. If you start going bald, you have a lot of real hair to use for the transplant.

On the con side:

1. It’s hot as hell!

2. Forget taking your shirt off at the beach.

3. Sweating is taken to a whole new level.

4. Did I mention it’s hot as hell!

5. And who knows what your partner is really thinking?

And that’s a question we’ll be asking later in this post. What does your partner actually think about this? And is it so bad to call for drastic measures?

Of course I wouldn’t know. I’ve had one chest hair in my time of this planet which I’ve diligently kept trimmed. Although there was a time when I felt the need to point it out to people, just to let people know I was capable of actually growing a chest hair. But I see I might be one of the lucky ones. For now.

I say for now, because body hair is something no man ever really escapes. Eventually hair will grow from every crevice in his body until he is consumed. And it’s already happening to me. Just the other day I looked in the mirror and I said, “Is that a hair growing out of my eye?”

However, the real question is, is there a double standard when it comes to body hair?

A guy can walk around with a carpet on his back and a furry woodland creature on his face and his partner just has to deal with it. But women jump through the proverbial hoop just to rid themselves of a little hair. Especially nowadays, hair seems to be WAY OUT. Here’s what I’ve witnessed, or at least heard about, in terms of women grooming themselves.

Waxing the hair under their lip.

The bikini wax and trim.

Shaving their underarms.

Shaving their legs.

The eyebrow pluck.

And then of course we have the various degrees of grooming when it comes to the private area.

The Brazilian

The French

The Landing Strip

The Isosceles

The Cardshark

And more………….

I mean talk about the pressure! This takes grooming to a whole new level. Women have always had to think about clothes and the way they look on the outside, but now they have to think about what’s going on under the clothes?!  That’s just too much!

For guys, we just have to brush our teeth, wash and comb our hair and put on clean undies. Expectations are low and as long as we’re clean and reasonably kept, we can get away with a lot.(I think)

But now the tables are turning a bit. Like I said, hair is going out of style, especially unseemly body hair. And some of The Guys are taking a hard look at themselves and realizing that maybe their little tree farm isn’t that attractive after all.

As for women, I for one don’t really care what they do with their hair. That’s their business. It’s certainly not a determining factor on why I would or wouldn’t date someone. (Although I’m not longer in the game, so it’s a moot point.) But I’m just saying. “The Patchouli” is certainly fine with me. (Look it up)

But as far as guys go, our body hair is just like the lawns we work so hard to keep immaculate. At the end of the day, the weeds will win out, and our body hair will eventually consume every inch of our bodies.

So I say to my Guys, save yourself some money. Forget the surgery and just let it ride. You’re actually trend setters, you just don’t know it yet. Because when it’s all said and done, even me, with my one hair on my chest, will become consumed by the looming forest.

Men: Do you think we should shave our body hair or remove it permanently? What does your partner say about it? Also, what kind of grooming do you prefer in your partner?

Women: Is there a major double standard going on with body hair? Do you care? How do you like to groom yourself? (Please share if you’d like) And how do you really feel about body hair on guys?

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Humor, Ideas, guys, relationships | 16 Comments »

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Written by “Suburban Guy”

I think often of these lines from the song Woman by John Lennon:

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands…

Remember that “Rolling Stone” cover where a naked John Lennon is curling up at the side of a fully clothed Yoko? Most people find it disturbing. I don’t, not really, even though it’s not really attractive.

Here’s a link to the photo I’m talking about:

Rolling Stone Cover

I know what he’s trying to say, and I solute his bravery to be so open about it. In my opinion, most men, unless they have done inner child work of some sort (like John Lennon did), won’t admit the need they feel deep inside to be connected to a woman this powerfully. There is an inner child who yearns to be absolutely adored, protected, loved, safe. Don’t get me wrong. That’s not all we are in a relationship. We are also strong, spontaneous, and independent in many ways, but the inner child is there for most of us, influencing, driving, even pushing us to the point of frustration and in some extreme cases inappropriate acts.

Some men realize the inner drive of that child and are able to integrate it into life and relationships in meaningful ways. I’m still working on that personally, and I realized how much time and work it takes. But some men are blind to their inner child, and it hurts them and the people around them, often profoundly.

Abusive men are horrific examples of how a deeply wounded inner child can have a devastating impact. In order to appease the needs of their disfigured inner child, abusive men must absolutely possess the loyalty and attention of a woman. The slightest sign of rejection or “disloyalty” (read: a look, a hint of rejection, a sign of independence) sends them into fits of rage.

People who are compulsive cheaters have a similar problem, in my mind (ala Tiger Woods or Eliot Spitzer). For them, they need that feeling of having a fresh romance or intimate encounter, one where all barriers are broken down and the egos merge, essentially — temporary possession of the total attention of a woman. Once that feeling is gone, they start searching for it anew, sometimes the very next day. They are broken and searching for something that will fix them, even if only one night at a time.

To help frame this, let me switch and consider the opposite end of the spectrum — the male who knows his inner child and has healed it in many ways. First of all, this sort of man wouldn’t walk into a relationship that is basically wrong. He wouldn’t choose a woman who his inner child needs to “possess” or who gives his inner child the opportunity to rage the way it never could before. He would choose a partner who he enjoys and who “gets” him. Secondly, he would enjoy the closeness of a good relationship without depending on it. Sex would be an opportunity to share love, warm and gentle, not an attempt to satisfy inner emotional aches and pains. And, finally, he would first and foremost want to help his partner be happy, not because he is hoping to get anything in return, but just because love like that feels really good to give.

Sounds pretty good, pretty normal, right? Yet, how many men are there? I’m not, not yet. And if you check the web for info on marital unhappiness, infidelity, divorce, “sexless” marriages, etc, etc, I think you will come up with a good number on your own. It’s not high.

That brings me back to the naked and courageous John Lennon. With that photo and in many other ways, John was a pioneer on the emotional front,  experimenting with Primal Therapy among other things. Boy do I wish he were still around. We have Bob Dole for erectile dysfunction (odd, but actually pretty brave). If only we had John Lennon working for inner child dysfunction! I think it would help a lot of people to have all of this talked about more.

I wrote this article from a limited perspective. Being a guy, I get the male inner child. But I often wish I understood the female inner child more. I know it exists. Almost no human escapes having a childhood (or just a history) unscathed. What I don’t feel like I know is the shape the female inner child takes in a relationship. Love to hear your thoughts.

_______________________________________________________

A note from “One of The Guys”

I know we’ve been pretty serious lately. And since I’m all about balance, in life, in relationships and here on The Guy’s Perspective, I promise we’ll be discussing some “lighter” topics for the next few weeks.

However, if something comes to mind about the topic of cheating that you’d like to share with us, please do. As always we value your input greatly.

And feel free to ask THE GUYS any question you might have about guys, relationships or any other topic. We’ll answer you as thoroughly and thoughtfully as we can.

Email us at: advice@theguysperspective.com

And don’t forget to take some of THE GUYS home with you. Check out our Cafe Press store. (Scroll down to see some examples) For anyone that buys any of our merchandise, if you take your picture with it  and send it to us, we’ll put it up on our site and be sure to prop your site/blog as well.

THANKS!!!!!

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Posted in Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 24 Comments »

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Written by “Mr. Nice Guy” the newest member of THE GUYS.

5 years ago I was Tiger. Relationship, job, personal life completely in shambles. Unfathomable amounts of pain and horrendous feelings of betrayal for my wife, family and friends. Fast forward to today and the picture is that of a faithful spouse and dedicated father with career on the fast track. Relationship with my wife is more close and real than ever before.

Is “Love” Addiction Real?

From my experience, absolutely. As a serial cheater, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, tried to stop several times, but ended up going back to my “high” as a way of coping. The rush addicts get from their drug is chemically pretty much the same whether that drug is alcohol, drugs, sex or food. And it’s not uncommon to get one under control and then have another one rage out of control. Lots of books on this. Patrick Carnes has written oodles on the topic. I know that since I’ve treated my susceptibility as an addiction, it’s been under control ever since. If you treat something like it’s an addiction and then it stops, I think the question of whether it’s an addiction or not becomes secondary.

Can Guys Change or Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Guys can absolutely change … both externally and internally. Been to your 25th high school reunion yet? If so you know the former is true. The internal changes are tougher. For me it was lots of therapy and TLC from spouse, friends and family. Guys’ (and gals’) brains get wired at a pretty young age and if the tendency to cheat gets wired in, it takes *a lot* of work to change that wiring, but it can be done. And it’s an ongoing process.

How Did My Wife Forgive Me?

I’m not sure how she did, frankly, so what I write below should not be interpreted as me speaking for her – just “best guesses” on my part. I do know that I am eternally grateful to her for taking me back and giving me a second chance. If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope I would show the same strength, character, courage and understanding and forgive her like she did me. We still have heated arguments over it (mostly me listening) and I definitely am still earning her trust back. Forgiveness for stuff like this is not a moment in time, but a long process which requires lots of discussion, reflection, listening etc. I think one key to her forgiving me was seeing how I was taking therapy and recovery program work very seriously. She also knew that I had a very strong track record of self-improvement and knew that I was determined to live a life of integrity and leave the underworld behind. When things first hit, the support of her family and an extremely talented therapist/counselor were absolutely critical in stopping the bleeding and establishing the desire to heal. My wife also knew the addiction/mental illness spectrum up close as several of our friends and family members have battled it for a long time. Her forgiveness has been transformational for both of us. I often wonder what our (and our kids) lives would be like if she hadn’t forgiven me. Her ability to forgive literally saved my life — I am forever grateful to her and love her more than ever.

Have You Had Experiences With This?

Have you ever taken someone back after a Tiger Woods like level of betrayal? Or have you (or some woman you know) been a female version of Tiger and been forgiven? My guess would be that cases like mine where forgiveness is granted are probably the exception not the rule.

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Posted in Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 18 Comments »

Part 1: Three Guys on Cheating

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.

These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.

But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”

So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree(we know you will), agree(we know you might) or share your personal experiences.

Part One:

From “One of The Guys”

Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!

But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?

That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.

For Example:

Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?

Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?

Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?

What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?

Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.

Here is one example:

The Extreme Black and White

This friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”

He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”

I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”

He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”

I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)

And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)

Another Example:

Mr. Cool

This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.

I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”

He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”

I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”

He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”

I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means)

He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”

I said, “Hmmm……………”

After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.

If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.

But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.

When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.

So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?

Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?

Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?

I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)

Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:

“Well why won’t they have sex with you?
What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?
Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?
Or talk to them?
Or help around the house?
Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”

But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.

But bottom line. It’s complicated.

So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.

Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”

To ask THE GUYS any question related to this post or anything involving GUYS or relationships, please email us at: advice@theguysperspective.com

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Posted in Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 31 Comments »

We’d like to go home with you!

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Once again THE GUYS would like to thank all of our loyal readers and new friends for supporting us this last year.

In a world dominated by Oprah and The View, THE GUYS are doing their best to carve out a little piece of the pie. Seriously, we think there’s enough room to give our perspective on life, and the relationships that are so vital to us. And coming soon, THE GUYS very own weekly podcast!

Of course, if that isn’t enough for you and you’d like to take one of us home, well we can arrange that as well. We’re pretty easy as Guys go. Scrap that, all guys are easy, but you get our point. Of course you can’t just have ONE of us, you’ll have to take a few of THE GUYS home with you.

So here are your choices:

You can carry us close to your, um…..heart, with this Spaghetti Strap.

Guy's Perspective Spaghetti Strap

Or for a more casual date with THE GUYS, how about this Tee?

Guy's Perspective T Shirt

And why not drink us up? We’re very tasty!

Guy's Perspective Mug

It’s never too early to become one of THE GUYS. Not to be confused with “One of The Guys.”

Guy's Perspective Baby Suit

And if your Guy has a hard time at the dinner table, why not give him an early birthday gift. Food will stick to this like glue.

Guy's Perspective Bib

And of course for any of you other GUYS looking to mix it up in the bedroom, we had these made especially for you. But your gal might want a pair too, so why not get a couple?

Guy's Perspective Thong

So there you have it. Please visit our Cafe Press store to help support THE GUYS. Your donation would be much appreciated and will help us continue to enlighten some of these other GUYS, and hopefully amuse and inform our female friends.

So take the plunge. Take a GUY home with you. It doesn’t cost much, and we promise, we won’t argue, disagree, or question anything you ever say. Better than a dog, cat or even some small children.

Thanks so Much!

THE GUYS

Coming in our next three posts we’ll be exploring that ever so explosive and touchy subject of CHEATING…………read three different guys’ viewpoints and experiences on the subject.

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Posted in Humor, Ideas, guys, relationships | 12 Comments »

Stream of Consciousness

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

This is part three of our miniseries, recognizing some of the sites we love. Check them out at the bottom of this post.

The first post we dipped back into time bringing you a piece of nostalgia from our childhood. “The Uniform”

The second post was all about expectations of that “coming of age” event called, “The Prom.”

Now from, “One of The Guys”

Well, this is going to be more of a stream of consciousness post. I’m just going to see where it goes. I like to do that sometimes. I might have a nugget of an idea, and then see how far I can develop it, similar to improvising on a theme when I play music. That’s what improvising is all about. Not knowing where the story is going, but still having some parameters to work with; basically the other musicians, the chord changes (if there are any) and the audience, because surely their enthusiasm or lack thereof dictates how the story is told.

And isn’t that the truth? Isn’t that what life is like? What being a person on this planet is like? One Big Blessed Improv Routine!! I mean seriously. We don’t know what the hell we’re really doing, where we’re going, what’s right, what’s wrong, who we really are. In fact by the time we THINK we’ve kind of figured it all out, we know the story is just about to conclude, and there’s no way to alter the ending.

I think about this a lot when I’m at home dealing with my kids. I try to give them parameters to work with, but I can’t control their own story as much as I’d like to sometimes. Why do I want to control it? Because this world is a scary place. And the older I get the scarier I think it is. Now don’t get me wrong. I work hard to see the beauty in all of it too, and I try not to let my fears paralyze me, or my kids. But now that I do have a family, life somehow seems more precarious, more fragile.

I remember being a bold teen, walking down the city streets alone, and not being scared of anything. Ignorance is bliss.

BUT NOW?

Now, the freaking squirrels scare the crap out of me. I think to myself, if one of those little ferocious beasts actually attacked me or the kids, I don’t think I could fight it off. Seriously! Could you? What if all the squirrels in the world decided to attack at once? We’d all be TOAST!

What does this mean besides that I’m nuts?

It means that we all have to trust in “the order of the universe.” Trust that the sun will come up…..at least occasionally where I live. Trust that darkness will come so we can rest. Trust that our kids will learn their own lessons and grow from them. And trust that the damn squirrels will stick to the trees.

So as I navigate through this world, it’s clear to me that I’m not alone. That no matter how nutty my thoughts are, I know I can just search, “Nutty Thoughts” on the web and find about a million people who think exactly as I do. (I’m not sure if that’s comforting or not, but it’s still amazing)

So what’s the lesson.?

We need to stick together, that’s what. We need to try to understand one another and realize that we all have so much more in common than we don’t.  We need to realize we all care about our families and we all want our kids to grow up and be happy and have opportunities. We all want to sit back and watch a game and root for our team without being castigated or threatened. We want the simple things too. A nice meal with a friend OR by ourselves. A quiet time to think. A good run, or walk. A night out to watch a concert. Some alone time with our honey. Or maybe time to read a cool blog, or find some cool new app on our iphone. (I don’t have one yet) We all just want to live and enjoy the time while we are here. Have fun. And maybe try to figure out where we’re headed after our time is up on this planet earth. Or maybe not.

Sure we’re all unique and that’s what makes this place so damn cool! But until we start acknowledging our similarities, we can’t celebrate our differences, to use a common PC expression. (Don’t get me started about being PC)

And let’s be honest, who the hell isn’t scared shitless of squirrels?

Take some time to check out these great sites. They cover all the things you might be interested in: Politics, Art, Philosophy, Religion,Parenting, Travel, and lots of humor! Enjoy!

Ask Cherlock

Astronomy for Everyone

A Little Girl Talk

Out of Context: Pieces for a Life (aphorisms)

Artistry Infaux

Applause for a Cause

Decaffeinated Coffee

Footsteps (Travels and Journeys)

Jeans Musings

Mad Kane

SuperMommy to the Rescue

Sugar Snow

Superficial Gallery

TJ Lubrano

The Suss

Virtual Synapses

Writing to Survive

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Humor, Ideas, guys, relationships | 35 Comments »

How good could it be?

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Posted by: “Suburban Guy”

I’m in a long term relationship that’s gone sort of cold, and I recently realized that I’ve lost sight of how good a relationship can feel. So the other day, I asked my self: How good could it be? The following little vignette came to mind, and I think it paints a reasonable answer to that question, at least it does for me.

________________________

“The alarm clock goes off on a snowy Tuesday, and my wife leans over to turn it off. When she turns back, I move close and reach over. Lifting her flannel top just a little, I place my hand on her warm, soft stomach. She turns and smiles and then leans in to give me kiss, deep and open, loose and wet. It’s morning, so her breath is a little stale, but I don’t mind. The kiss is really amazing.

She ends the kiss with a little nibble of my lip. “What are you doing this morning with the snow and all? School will probably open late.”

I sigh and roll over on my back. “I have early meetings, so I need to go in regular time.”

Her hand, friendly and gentle, moves up the sleeve of my shirt to rest on my shoulder, her bare leg crosses over mine. “Wish you could stay…”

My whole body is tingling, her touch feels so good, but I know I really do have to get up. I lean in and we kiss again. “You can’t know how much I wish I could.”

I turn to get up, and her hand drops to my stomach and then runs up my shirt to my bare chest. “Maybe tonight, we can find a little time for us?”

I’m glowing inside and hating the fact that I have to leave, but I do. I have to. “That would be really great. I’ll be thinking about it all day now…” Another kiss, and then, “Anything I can do for you before I go, aside from the regular stuff?”

She rolls back, looking disappointed. “If you must go, but sure – can you change the bulb over the sink? It’s out and hard for me to reach.”

“Sure thing,” my feet are off the bed and I stand up. “I love you.”

“Me too.”

All day long, I can’t get the delightful feeling of my wife’s touch off my mind. I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have such an open, loving woman to go home to and I am tingly at the thought of disappearing under the covers with her at night, to laugh and touch and just feel really, really lost in love.

The end (I’m not going to let this get x rated…)

________________________

I know the above could never be the case all the time, but if it was just even occasionally this beautiful and simple, my whole outlook on the relationship would change. I know I own half the equation here and that I’m not always the man in that vignette either, but relationships aren’t solos. They are duets, and that means both players must work together to achieve harmony. The challenge is: how do you get back to harmony once discord has settled in?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this?


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Posted in Essays, Ideas, Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, guys, relationships | 22 Comments »

The Rules of Exaggeration!

Friday, February 19th, 2010

My middle guy and I play this pumpkin counting game around Halloween. We drive around town and count all the pumpkins we see. Well actually, he does the counting and I sip my coffee and nod in encouragement. It’s a win, win. I get to relax, enjoy his company and drink my favorite cup of Joe. He gets to work on his number skills and get excited about Halloween.

The most we’ve ever counted is around 100 or so. But just today he was telling his brother about it, and he said, “Oh, this is where dad and I drive to play the pumpkin counting game. The last time I counted like, 276!”

I’m thinking, “Ahh……276 you say?!” But who am I to get in the way of boys and their one-upmanship games. This kind of stuff goes on day in and day out in my house. I don’t know where the boys learned to exaggerate, but they do it with the best of them. They’ve never heard me do it…..

Ahem…..Cough…cough…choke….choke…….

Ok, fine, so I’ve told a few tales in my life. Guys are notorious for this. It starts at an early age, with boys telling how many of this or that they have. But it quickly spirals into more complex descriptions.

“You should have seen this dog! It was bigger than a polar bear, with teeth that were like screwdrivers!”

“Oh really? A polar bear you say? With screwdriver teeth? How about a gorilla with fangs bigger than ten chain saws!?”

“Totally dude!” said with all seriousness and sensing no sarcasm.

But as boys mature into men and they “evolve” and well, change, somehow the exaggerations just get more……exaggerated!

Here’s one I heard in the past year.

“You should have seen Lebron dunk last night! I saw him do this dunk from half court!”

“Half court? Really! Amazing!” said with all seriousness. This time no sarcasm.

All THE GUYS  know it’s an exaggeration, but we don’t care. It makes the story so much more interesting. And we all somehow agree that it’s OK, at least to the level at which we deem appropriate and allowable. This level is unwritten, but we all know where it is. Anything beyond that and the Guy gets called out, and we go to You Tube to confirm.

So let’s sum this up.

1. Boys exaggerate. Anything goes. The word infinity is used a lot. Or whatever word that is currently being used as THE MOST. Gazillion comes to mind too.

2. Guys exaggerate too, but only to an agreed upon level. Anything beyond that is a crime.

So what do guys do next? They resort to exaggerations that can’t be confirmed, so they think. Alpha Male exaggerations.

This is called Bedroom Mythology.

“You should have seen her (Fill in with whatever)! Amazing! The best I’ve ever seen!”

OR

“You should have heard her scream. She said I was the best ever!”

I could go on, but you get the picture. Lots of “bests” thrown in for good measure. Of course what guys don’t realize is that the world works in circuitous ways.

His girlfriend is friends with the sister of his bosses accountant. Who also just happens to do her taxes too. Somehow the real story leaks out during a touchy audit in which the Real Member is exposed as a sex toy aptly named, “Big John.” This particular toy was deducted as a loss, which of course we all know was really a big gain. A big, NO, NO all around!

And somehow all of his buddies find out the truth! Busted!!

Because this is what guys do. They exaggerate as far as they can go without getting caught. If you give them an inch, they’ll shoot for two. So all of a sudden a modest 5 becomes 6 and then 7. Oh, c’mon…minds out of the gutter! I’m talking about how many hamburgers I ate the other day!

So I know that 276 pumpkins will, day by day, rise to over 1,000. But it’s part of being a boy. They need those skills to live in a world where bigger is always considered to be better. At least in the eyes of…….um….everyone.

Anyway, what exaggerations have you told, or have been told?

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, guys, relationships | 23 Comments »

Easy Motivation

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

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Posted in Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, guys, parenting, relationships | 25 Comments »

Where are my pants?

Monday, February 15th, 2010

Lately I’ve been having this strange sensation. After leaving the house and arriving at wherever I’m going, I say to myself, “Did I remember to wear pants?”

Seriously! I actually check myself to see. Although, by the time I arrive at my destination it’s probably a bit too late.

I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s somewhat alarming. And it seems to be part of a trend, rather than an isolated incident. I think it’s probably due to the fact that my head is so overwhelmed with life I can barely stand. Like all of you, I’m trying to juggle a family, a job and my own personal journey. This is tough to do, very tough. In fact the only way to survive this is to get rid of things.

Picture yourself on a hot air balloon that is descending quickly because of too much weight. What do you do? You start chucking stuff over the side. What goes first? Things that you brought that you really can’t use on a hot air balloon. Maybe a toaster, baseball bat, your knife collection or whatever furniture you thought would make the ride more cozy.

I’m not saying that my pants would be the first thing to go, but maybe it’s because they are something I really do need, that I fear I may have forgotten them. This is similar to dreams where you can’t find your classroom for your final exam, or forgetting to put your newborn IN the car, but instead leaving them on TOP of the car.

So many sweet moments come and go every day and I’m panicked that I’m missing them. Or I fear that they’ll never actually stick in my memory and then be long forgotten in the sea of lost moments. To me, that is TERROR, far scarier than any horror movie. Because memories are what make every wonderful moment last forever.

So maybe it is time to get rid of some things that aren’t important and “unclutter” my brain. That way I’ll be more PRESENT in everything that I do! And maybe I’ll actually start remembering things again.

And if this “uncluttering” process requires some sort of sacrifice, then why not My Pants! It seems like a small price to pay to get my memories back.

What would you be happy to sacrifice so you can remember again?

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 27 Comments »

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