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The Prom

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Today is part two of our miniseries, where we not only stroll down memory lane, but also give props to many of the sites we’ve grown to love over this past  year. These Blogs in particular, focus on dating, relationships and other related topics such as self-esteem self-actualization and self-motivation. Hope you’ll explore and enjoy them.

Part three will be coming soon.

From: “One of The Guys”

Where I went to school, there were only two proms; a junior high prom (7th-9th grade) and a senior prom. Expectations were huge for both proms, but I can only speak for the guys. It was the night where we hoped inhibitions might be cast aside, at least for one special night, and maybe we’d somehow convince our date, usually our girlfriend, to go where she had never gone before.

But it wasn’t like that for me. Far from it.

In 9th grade I started dating a very nice girl probably around May. So it was a “no brainer” that I would be going with her to the Prom……Well, ah.., NO!! She had already committed to a friend of hers, not a boyfriend, and she felt that she should keep that commitment. She was a lot more mature that most of the people at the school and she probably did the right thing, but not necessarily something that most 9th graders would have done. And to me, it was a drag.

So I ended up going with a close friend of mine who also didn’t have a date and we had a good time. But it was awkward seeing my girlfriend dancing to “Stairway to Heaven” and “Freebird” with another guy. And the night, while fun, never turned into that magical night that I had dreamed about.

My junior year in high school I started dating a senior in the spring. I have no idea why she liked me because her previous boyfriend had been the captain of the football team, but she did. So we started dating.

At this point, I was still pretty green, but she wasn’t, which made the whole thing even more baffling to me. I was like a human playing with a vampire, which honestly scared the crap out of me, even though I liked it too.  We were still together in June, so she asked me to go to the senior prom. Wow! All THE GUYS thought I was THE MAN! (If they only knew.)

Once again the anticipation grew and grew. However, I wasn’t steering this ship. It was clear she was in charge, picking the color of my tux,  the restaurant we ate at and the after hour party we attended. I was like a stick adrift on a river, just merrily floating to and fro. But this is where it gets blurry for me. Somehow the night just went from bad to worse and we ended up breaking up. Seriously!! We broke up on Prom night! And looking back on it, I’m sure she was still in love with this former captain of the football team who had arrived home from college the week before. I found out later, he had been wooing her since he arrived. Who could resist, right? (Sarcasm)

But I rebounded fast  from that traumatic evening. And of course, I still had my senior prom to go to. That was going to be great!

Well the spring came around and I was single, having broken up with a girl in February. But as luck would have it, I started dating a great girl in May and now I had a date. Phew, close one!!

Ahhh….NO!!!…………Deja vu……my girlfriend had already committed to going with someone else and once again she felt she should honor that commitment. What is up with these girls!!!???

So now I had no date………Well…….. (And you’re gonna love this)

My 9th grade prom date, as I mentioned before had moved away to Texas in 10th grade. However, she kept in touch with a lot of people from our high school still, and her girlfriends told me she would be back in town during our prom. They said I should ask her because she would love to go. And since I didn’t have a date, I thought it sounded like a good idea.

I don’t need to go into details. We had fun. And I was glad I went. But really, let’s be honest. I’m pretty sure I’m the only guy on the planet that this happened to…….. TWICE!

We’d love to hear about your prom expectations and experiences!
Please share!

And take some time to browse through some of these great sites.

Adventures of Starting Over

Date Girl Diaries

Beaming Balance

I Should a Been a Stripper

Luvem or Leavem

The Lola Vibe

Kelly Seal

It’s all a matter of Perspective

Love Skeptic

LionSlinger

Naughtie Scribe

Self-Esteem Blog for Women

Symphony of Love

Self-Help Wellness

The Life of Annie

Without Dash

Advice Goddess

Chaotically Calm

The Blogess

At My Soiree

Next Post: In our third installment of this miniseries we’ll be covering…..well, it will be a surprise…..and of course we’ll be highlighting our last group of great sites.

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Posted in Guest Writers, Relationship Humor, guys, relationships | 34 Comments »

Easy Motivation

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

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Posted in Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, guys, parenting, relationships | 25 Comments »

The Alpha Male

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

It came to my attention that my seven year old son is the alpha male in his class. My wife and I would never use this terminology to describe him, but it was used by one of the other parents in the class.

Sure we think he’s wonderful, smart and cute, but all parents think that about their kids. And yes he’s a good athlete, but so are countless other boys and girls in his school and around the world.

But somehow he’s risen to a place where the boys follow him around and the girls giggle and stare. The funny thing is, he’s clueless. He isn’t basking in it, in fact he’s embarrassed by it. At least he’s embarrassed when my wife and I ask him about the girls. More on that later.

So what’s up with the alpha male? Is there a unique combination of qualities that make up the top dog, or is it just some sort of energy that makes it happen?

THE GUYS and I have always been surprised and intrigued by this phenomenon. Which Guy at a party or bar, emerges as the alpha? Which guy do the girls/women swoon over? Sometimes it’s obvious who it will be, and at other times it couldn’t be more puzzling. So what it is?

Here is our list. And keep in mind that different stages of life require different qualities to be the alpha. Also, we’re not describing what qualities we think guys should possess, but just what helps them rise to be alpha male.

Elementary School

1. Big
2. Good Athlete
3. Cute
4. Loud

High School

1. Cute
2. Good Athlete
3. Has own Car
4. Rumors of large member
5. Tall and/or big
6. Loud mouth party guy
7. “Bad Boy”
8. Confident

Adulthood

1. Good Looking
2. Lots of money
3. Famous
4. Tall
5. Funny…..no, really funny!
6. Smart….and turns that into a profit
7. Large member
8. Has cute girlfriend or wife
9. Rumors of lots of money
10. Confident
11. Add yours here. What do you think? Or what did we miss?

So back to my son.

We were all sitting having dinner together, which doesn’t happen as much as we’d like. Everyone was feeling quite cozy and happy. My daughter crawled up in my lap and said she wanted to marry me. So cute! Then my boys said they wanted to marry my wife. So since the topic of marriage and girls and boys was being thrown around, my wife mentioned to my son that some of the girls in his class thought he was cute.(She heard this from other parents.) She was just joking around with him. We didn’t expect him to get THAT upset.

But, he left the table crying. He was also mad and was yelling too. Then when my wife went in to talk to him he said angrily, “I feel like saying the F word!” (Discussion of the F word has been part of our house the last few weeks, since my oldest heard it on the bus.) Then all of a sudden I hear, “FUCK!” Now, I know this isn’t really funny, but the way it went down was just too hysterical. So I start laughing out loud. I mean he’s 7 and has no idea what it means! Soon my oldest son and my daughter were laughing too. My daughter had no clue what we were laughing about, but she joined in anyway. Of course my seven year old hears us and gets even madder. Then he says the funniest thing to my wife,

“And I’m definitely not going to marry you now!”

Now, I’m doubled over laughing. I mean, he’s being so serious. Please don’t scold me. I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but sometimes these moments just have to be enjoyed. And yes, I went in and talked to him and apologized. Of course I tell him later that he should be glad I laughed instead of grounding him. All is good. We explained that we weren’t trying to make him feel bad by telling him girls liked him. And at some point he might actually like that girls like him. But my wife and I both promised not to bring it up again. And he promised not to use the F word.

I never was the alpha male. I think there were some moments where I was close, possibly first Lieutenant, but never the top, top. I was always jealous of the top guy; in fact all guys are.

But now I see that things at the top aren’t always perfect either, especially if you don’t want all the attention.

The things you can learn from a 7 year old!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

PS. Thanks for all your support. All my stomach tests came out normal. I’m thinking I may have an allergy or something. Seeing the doc on Tuesday to go over things.

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, parenting, relationships | 17 Comments »

The Duality of Men

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes too. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat, fierceness and loyalty; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see HER! Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….we say, I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in). Our point, we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please!

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, relationships | 16 Comments »

It’s all in the Name

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

I may have written about this before, but here goes again. The pressure is mounting. It’s 2010, the kids are one year older….can’t use that excuse anymore….and everyone but me wants a dog.

I tried selling them on fish or a hamster or maybe even a rat. I hear they’re in vogue these days. But they’ll have none of it. It’s a dog or nothing.

Actually I like dogs. I grew up with one. She was smart, cuddly, fun and I played with her a ton. But let’s face it, I didn’t really have to take care of her, and neither did my brother or sister. My mom pretty much did everything.

In my current situation, since I’m home more days than my wife, it will be me, picking up poop, walking the dog and tending to her needs. I can barely take care of myself and the kids…and sometimes my wife, how can I handle another mouth to feed and another butt to wipe!! Well hopefully I won’t have to wipe her butt, but you get my meaning.

The other thing is, these four legged beings are damn expensive! I know how pricey those vet bills can be. What am I going to say? “Sorry kids,  we just can’t fix “Fido’s” leg. Too expensive. She’ll just have to limp the rest of her life.” I’ll be whipped and chained and hung up over the fireplace if I take that stance. So what’s a poor guy to do? Help!!!???

So, I guess this is it. Hmmm…..

But there is a solution to this whole dilemma. Here’s how it’s going to go.

Me (To my family): Just throw me a bone and maybe I’ll go along with it.

My wife: So what do you want?

Me: I want to name her.

The kids: NO!!!!!

Me: I name her, or no dog.

Everyone(After a LONG pause): Fine.

Me: So I’m going to name her “Peeve!” (Pause) That’s right you heard me, “Peeve!”

Everyone: What??!! What kind of a name is that? That’s lame!

Me: No it’s not.  That way when my friends come over and they say, “What’s your dog’s name?”  I can say, “This is my pet Peeve.”

Everyone: Ahhh!!! 

And you know what, that just might be worth the extra mouth to feed.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Relationship Humor, relationships | 19 Comments »

Being Needy

Monday, January 4th, 2010

Neediness is not the most attractive quality. Women especially, seem to run as far and as fast as they can when the smell it on a guy. And I certainly can’t blame them. Neediness smacks of desperation.

Of course this is harsh and not always true. Neediness comes and goes. And it changes through the course of any relationship. Every person has moments of neediness and that’s certainly normal. Like,  “Please tell me you still love me even though you are texting your new personal trainer every night about your workouts!” And, “If you would you just tell me you still find me attractive occasionally, I’ll stop pestering you about how fat I look!”

But even then, when it seems perfectly reasonable, no one likes it. It’s like a fly that keeps bombarding you while you’re on a peaceful walk. It ruins everything.

So I’ve been feeling needy lately. Not for the reasons mentioned above. It’s because I’ve been sick for a while. First a fever, then this cough that keeps getting worse. Then that finally subsides and the fever comes back. Then I get a sinus infection, take some medicine for it and my stomach turns inside out. It’s been one thing after the next! I guess that’s how it goes.

I actually don’t get sick much, but when I do I’m a baby. I hate being sick. Even when my fever is only 99.5 I feel like total crap. My kids could have a 102 degree temp and they run around like it’s their birthday. Me, I just can’t function at all.

Anyway, I guess my wife senses my neediness and I can tell it annoys her. She does her best to be sympathetic but it’s clear my neediness is certainly NOT why she married me. Fine, I get it.

But my doctor’s office! That’s another story.

I called to make an appointment. They didn’t even call me back. I had to call back twice just to make an appointment. What,… are guys not allowed to be sick until they turn 55 or something? I mean c’mon. I know about racism and sexism, but until now I had never heard of Desperationism. I mean isn’t that against the law or something?

So I’ve learned a valuable lesson these last few weeks. The next time I’m feeling vulnerable, sensitive, sick or just queasy, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It seems to be the best way to get what you want.

Was it with the strong, silent type? They never go out of style.

DAMN THEM!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Relationship Humor, relationships | 12 Comments »

Short Staffed

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

I love going to the bank in my town. The obvious reason is, it makes me happy to deposit money. But the behind the scenes reason is, the young women working there are very friendly and quite cute. After I leave, my day is just a little better.

I don’t keep secrets from my wife. Even if I tried, I’m terrible at deception. She thinks my bank forays are funny. She rolls her eyes when I say I’m going to do errands. She knows this includes a visit to my favorite brick and mortar institution. But she also knows I’m invisible to the young cuties. I know this too. No matter how cool I try to be, I still drive up to the drive thru in my silver mini van. Yes, I’m invisible.

Just yesterday I was there and one of the “girls” was eating something. I asked her how her lunch was. She laughed.

She said, “We’re short staffed today so we don’t get lunch. I have to eat while I work.”

I said, “Well that’s a drag.” (This is me trying to be cool)

She said, “Yeah, but at least it was free. The manager of the Chinese place across the street is a customer and he brought over lunch for all of us.”

I said, “Sweet.” (Me still trying to work the coolness)

She said, “Have a nice day.”

As I drove off, I started thinking about how unfair that was. I mean she shouldn’t lose her lunch just because they’re short staffed. That seemed pretty lame. Then it dawned on me. This is perfect. I love this. This is going to be my new catch phrase. Short staffed.

When my kids come from school demanding a snack or dinner I’m going to say, “Sorry, we’re a bit short staffed today. You’ll have to fend for yourselves.”

Or when my wife asks me to go grocery shopping I’m going to say, “Yeah, that’s going to be tough. You know, short staffed and all.”

I mean is this perfect or what?!!! I love this. This works in any situation:

For the neighbor who bugs you about your leaves blowing on their lawn.
For the friend who wants you to help him with his computer.
For your mother that wonders why you don’t call her every day.
For THE GUYS who bug ME about responding to questions.

It’s the perfect saying for all occasions. And I give all of you permission to use it whenever it suits you. Just give me and THE GUYS credit when appropriate.

However, GUYS, please don’t be unclear on the concept.

If your girlfriend or wife or partner is feeling a bit randy and wants to get busy, but you’re not feeling it at the moment, that is not the time to say:

“I’m a bit short staffed.”

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, Uncategorized, relationships | 18 Comments »

What Guys want for the Holidays!

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

I was over at Momversation earlier today and one of the Blog posts was about what to get your Guy for the holidays. I then saw a list of very cool gadgets and man toys that seemed like a lot of fun. But ladies seriously, that’s not what we want. So I felt it my duty to tell you what we really hope to get  for the holidays.

But let’s first discuss why toys and gadgets aren’t a guy’s first choice. Two simple words will give you the answer to this question: Time and Money.

Money:
It’s difficult to buy us a great gift without us feeling like we’re paying for it ourselves. We feel this way even if we share all the monetary responsibilities with our partner. We still see the item on the next credit card bill, which causes us much stress. Knowing that our present comes from the same kitty that pays the mortgage, the household bills and the kids’ college fund takes most of the fun out of it for us. Money is tight these days, so we can do without that cool watch or new video game or engraved knife or slick pair of shoes.

Time:
Even if we love the gift, often we don’t have time to use it or play with it. We’re usually working. And if we’re not working we want to spend time with the kids and see you. So in theory a new toy is great, but in reality it will likely get a brief work out, only to sit idle for the next fifty one weeks of the year.

But THE GUYS and I do have a solution for all of this.

And this should be obvious, but sometimes it just isn’t.

We want YOU for the holidays!!!

Yes, that’s right. A special night or nights with you. Or even a special day. One we don’t have to BEG for.

No kids. No interruptions.

This doesn’t mean you have to fulfill our every fantasy. But if you’re giving that away too, we’ll take it.

So what can you actually wrap up?

I’ll leave that up to your festive imagination. THE GUYS and I know you are infinitely more creative than we are, so dream something up. Surprise us. We’re pretty easy!

So when you ask your man what he wants for the holidays he might tell you this item or that, but he’s really just thinking, YOU!

We discussed Magic in our previous post. Well this is certainly one way of keeping the Magic alive!

Guys and Gals: Do you have any great ideas to share? Please enlighten us and our readers.

PS. You can always check out our new Merchandise on our website. There might be an item your guy would enjoy seeing you in. :)

The stuff is great quality, so we’ve been told by people who’ve actually purchased them. Just an FYI!!

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Posted in Essays, Relationship Humor, Uncategorized, holidays, relationships | 19 Comments »

The Driving Test: It reveals Much!

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

Driving to my in-laws house over Thanksgiving is no fun. Once I’m there, it’s great, but the traffic going down is hell. Not nail biting hell, just annoying as hell.

Imagine this. Three lane highway. All three lanes full of traffic. For miles.

So I’m driving on one major highway and I need to get in the right lane to merge on to another highway. I assess the situation and I know I’m confronted with three choices. (Remember these choices. They will come into play later!)

Choice 1: Merge as soon as I can, which would put me in the right lane about a mile back from the exit.

Choice 2: Move over somewhere around the half mile mark, hopefully in front of a truck that’s left some space in front of it.

Choice 3: Speed in the middle lane and cut in as close to the exit as possible.

I won’t lie to you, the first choice just isn’t me.  I’m not patient enough when I drive. I should be. It would be better for my health that’s for sure! But although I’m generally a kind enough soul, I have an aggressive streak that occasionally comes out on the road.  Where I live, it’s eat or be eaten. I try to eat.

So as I’m driving down for Thanksgiving, to my surprise and my wife’s, I pull over about the 3/4 mile mark. She just looks at me. She likes driving…grew up with cars…her dad, brother. They all know about cars. I know nothing, but at least I drive like them.

I say to her, “What?!!”

She says, “Do you need to get your testosterone levels checked?”

I say, “I just didn’t feel like being an ass……..”

She says, “Oh really.”

I say, “Yeah. I just can’t stomach it anymore.”

She nods. I nod. We drive.

After arriving at our destination and decompressing for a bit, I was talking to her brother and telling the story I just relayed to all of you. We were laughing about it saying it was the perfect “Guy Barometer.” Each choice gives a woman a pretty good indication of whom she’s dealing with. And no choice is better than the other, just different.

(Keep in mind that these are generalizations. Individuals may vary!)

Choice 1/The Early Merger: Likely to be kind, patient. An all around good guy. Might be boring. Methodical. Possibly a handyman. Book smart. Slow moving…..apply that how you want. Responsible.

Choice 3/The Last Minute Cutter: Aggressive and proud of it. Not patient. Goes for it. Probably has money. Could be a good guy, but also could be a total, you know what! Not handy, but handsy. Street smart. Fast moving…..apply how you want. Risk Taker.

Choice 2: Any combination of above. But he might be worried about what other’s think too much, including you.  However, he could also be a mystery worth unraveling.

So here’s what we’re suggesting. Give your man the driving test!!

It’s often hard to tell after a few dates what your new man is really like. So go for a drive during rush hour or some other crazy time to be on the road and watch what happens. Watch him while he’s sitting, moving and most importantly merging to get off an exit.

You will learn more from from that drive than you will from any advice book you’ll ever read.

So give it a try and please report back. THE GUYS and I want to know.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

ps. Please share any of your traffic or road experiences with us, as they may or may not relate to your relationship. We’d love to hear from you.

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Posted in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, Relationship Humor, Uncategorized, relationships | 8 Comments »

Bob the Vegan: The Handyman

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

This is episode #4 of the second season of “Bob the Vegan.”

Read the first three episodes to get caught up.

Speed Dating

The New Job

The Boss

Episode 4: The Handyman

Bob is meeting up with Dan and George.

Bob: Hey Dan, nice to see you.

Dan: Nice to see you too. (They do the man hug)

Bob: Ever since you moved in with Victoria it’s been radio silence.

Dan: I know, I’m sorry man. It’s just, she’s keeping me busy. She’s such a freak!

Bob: I’m assuming, that’s “freak,” as in Freaky!

Dan: You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.

Bob: You’re right, and I don’t want to know.

Dan: Suit yourself……..hey, I thought George was coming too.

Bob: He said, he’d be here, so I’m sure he’s just running late. You know he started his own business as a handyman?

Dan: Really!?? I didn’t know! So cool! Hopefully that will keep him busy. It’s sad about Amy and him breaking up.What’s the latest on that?

Bob: It looks like the divorce is going to go through in a month. He’s pretty bummed, so don’t bring it up. I want to have fun tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy’s night!

Dan: Here he comes now……Yo, George!

George: Hey guys, sorry I’m late.

Dan: Hey old buddy, it’s been too long.

George: Way too long!

(They do the man hug too. Bob as well)

Dan: So George, how’s the new job. I didn’t know you were a handyman now. In fact I didn’t know you could fix anything??

George: Yeah, I learned from my Grandpa. He was a handyman too. It’s fun. But I’ve got to tell you what’s been happening.

Bob: What do you mean?

George: Let’s get a beer first and I’ll tell you about it.

They order. The drinks arrive.

Bob: So what’s going on?

George: OK. So I’ve gotten a few small jobs  in town. The usual stuff. You know, painting, hammering, etc. Well anyway, I get this call to do a job in the Heights. You know, the ritzy, snooty suburb about twenty minutes west of town.

Dan: Yawn.

George: What?

Dan: Is this going to be some lame work story?

George: Will you please chill and listen!

Dan: Fine.

Bob: And??

George: So I show up at this big ass house. A woman answers the door. She was probably in her early 50s. Very nice. Great shape.  Apparently her sink was clogged or something.

Bob: Her sink’s clogged?

George: Yeah.

Dan: Hmm…..this is getting more interesting.

George: No, it wasn’t like that. Her ACTUAL sink was clogged. So I’m working and she’s chatting away. Recently divorced. Her ex was a businessman. Traveled a ton and cheated on her in every state. So I’m nodding along, but by now I’m really just trying to fix the sink so I can get out of there. The conversation is starting to make me a bit nervous. So I finish up and start to pack up my things when she says she almost forgot that her washing machine has been acting up and would I mind taking a look at it. She says she’ll pay me for my time. So I say fine.

Bob: OK, I’m nervous to know what’s coming.

Dan: I’m not. This is better than I thought.

George: ANYWAY……so we head down in the basement and we go into this small room where the washer and dryer are. She says, that it’s not spinning properly or something like that. So I put down my tools and I’m looking inside the washer for a minute. When I turn around to get a tool to tighten a screw, she’s completely naked.

Bob: WHAT!!!

Dan: I knew it!

George: It’s even better. She comes over and leans against me and says she’ll pay me whatever I want.

Bob: Are you serious?

George: Yep.

Dan: Nice!

Bob: So what did you do?

George: What did you think I did?

Bob: I hope you you thanked her for the offer and got the hell out of there.

Dan: Are you nuts Bob!! Please tell me you took her up on her offer George!

George: You damn right! I hoisted her right up on the washing machine. I guess it was never broken, because she turned it on while we were doing it. Seemed to make her go crazy! And I wasn’t arguing.

Bob: You are crazy.

George: No, I’m not. And still I haven’t gotten to the best part.

Dan: What?? What??

George: She paid me five bills for my time.

Bob: Five hundred dollars!!!

George: Well, I did fix the sink. And technically the washer too.

Dan: Wait, let me get this straight. You were there for what, two hours. You did a little work and got laid. And on top of that you got paid half a grand?

George: All true.

Dan: SWEET!!!!! High five my man! (They slap hands)

Bob: So now you’re a gigolo?

George: Oh c’mon Bob. No harm, no foul. She was happy as hell. I was happy as hell. She’s loaded. I’m broke. What’s wrong with that?

Bob: You had sex for money! That’s what’s wrong. And you took advantage of a poor divorced woman.

George: Bob, you need to stop being such a goody, goody boy, or we’re going to kick you out of the sewing circle.

Bob: Fine, but this is trouble in the making.

Dan: Bob, I see no harm in this. George had some fun. And he made some serious coin doing it. So I say, good for you George!….. When are you going back?

George: And now for the best part. I’ve been going every Thursday for the last three weeks!  I do some chores around her house and then we go at it. She loves doing it in whatever part of the house I’m working in. I guess the smell of construction and sweat makes her horny.

Bob: Nothing good is going to come of this.

Dan: Oh lighten up Bob, it’s all good. This is exactly what George needs. Let’s have another beer! Maybe talking about work isn’t so bad.

George: So Bob, how’s the coffee shop?

Bob: Don’t even go there.

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Posted in Bob the Vegan: Season 2, Humor, Relationship Humor | 5 Comments »

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