Now, about this subject of cheating…
It’s pretty cut and dry in my house. So that there is no misunderstanding, I let my husband know from the start – sex with anyone other than me is forbidden. If I learn about it, I walk.

We have been happily married for many years. It is my thinking that either he is a genius at covering his tracks or he has never cheated. He has never given me a reason to leave. And neither have I given him such a reason. If I were one to cheat, I would have never married.

I have heard enough of this subject. Everyone on TV is talking about it and now you guys are delving into it. John Lennon didn’t cheat on Yoko. (BTW, I follow Yoko on Twitter.) If you remember seeing them together – not just on that album cover – John was madly in love with Yoko and no one could turn him away from her.

So, let’s change the subject.

Which one of you guys is the Poker player?

Undealt with, it expresses itself in gendered ways – the abusive male you identify (there’s a range of cultural macho here); the “Cinderella” woman, always wanting a man to rescue her or the obsessive psychotic like the character in “Fatal Attraction.” There isn’t anything surprising about how we want to heal that child.

I think the best bet is to assume that, to some degree, everyone feels needy and hurt and to proceed accordingly.

@Dorothy, be assured that I do not take my wife’s forgiveness for granted. She and I have been through hell and back, not just with this issue, but with multiple others. She is an incredibly strong person and her ability to stick with me through this is something that is tangibly present every day of my life and I feel incredibly blessed to have her as my wife. I won’t do into details, but will reassert that I literally owe her my life. Others have not been so lucky.

@stugod, if you haven’t considered going to therapy and/or joining a 12-step program, I strongly encourage you to. I regret not getting into program earlier than I did. I still remember the day, a couple of years before all hell broke loose, where I had identified my behavior as an addiction and actually saw a website for sex addiction program. I was too afraid to go. If I had, I could have saved a whole lot of hurt. Regret that I didn’t. Also, if you go to therapy, make sure you select one that specializes in this stuff. My first therapist, again before all hell broke loose, didn’t (not sure how she didn’t) see the pattern and direct me to recovery. Even if you think you have it under control now, you should be wary of relapses. Get some help. Same advice would apply to ladies as well. Plenty of females in recovery for this stuff too.

@Kelly, being in denial is part and parcel of the symptoms here. Most people doing this are decent/intelligent/wonderful people, but have some intense brain partionining going on where this secret stuff is like a seperate personality in the clinical sense. When the wall seperating the two selves collapses, the trauma to the psyche is not small as the integration process begins. You have to rebuild from scratch to some extent.

Congrats on making it work with your wife. I know that it’s an uphill battle but totally worth it!

Oh and small side note I agree with Ashley, I believe a woman is more likely to forgive a man for cheating than the other way around.