After six weeks of strange stomach pains I finally went to see a Gastroenterologist. It’s hard for me to even type it, so you can imagine how hard it was to dial the number and make an appointment.
But at the urging of my nurse wife, I did it.
Now I know there are way scarier doctors to visit, but no doctor comes with such a mix of embarrassment, humiliation and boundary crossing than the Gastro doctor.
It is common knowledge that guys love to joke about farts and all things related to gas. But we draw the line there. All of sudden this wasn’t so funny. So here’s how it went during my first visit to the doctor.
Doctor: So what brings you here?
Me: (Thinking) C’mon give me a break. Are you serious? Do I have to say it?
Me:(Speaking) I’m having some stomach issues.
Doctor: What kind of stomach issues?
Me:(Thinking) I am going to have to say it! Damn!
Me: (Speaking) You know…um…..stomach pain and you know…
Doctor: You mean diarrhea?
Me: (Thinking) FUCK! (sorry, there’s only word word that’s appropriate.)
Me: (Talking) Yeah, diarrhea!
And the conversation only goes downhill from there. Now poop, farts and bowel jokes aren’t so funny, especially when he suggests….or ORDERS….a Colonoscopy. (To get some real answers he says.)
I’m thinking, “Isn’t that why I’m here?”
So I make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. Even the phone call is embarrassing, but I deal. I guess I don’t have to impress the secretaries or anything. But I pray that I don’t know them because the procedure is being done in the town I live in. Great!
For any of you that have never had one of these lovely exams you probably picture it and cringe. Well, guess what. The exam isn’t the problem. Sure it has it’s share of embarrassment and humiliation, but the real trial is the prep.
For those of you who have had this procedure, you know the prep is brutal. You have to cleanse, so to speak. How? This involves drinking 4 liters of the nastiest, thick liquid you can imagine. I mean, I can only stand drinking four glasses of water a day. So now I’m drinking four liters in about two hours or so. And of course every time I drink, I have to GO. Lovely! Of course, I lost about four pounds. Not that I needed to, but it could be a nice fringe benefit to focus on if you’re up for the test.
Anyway, I got through it all. Results were normal. That’s good….. Well not exactly.
Doctor: So things look good. But we don’t really have any answers, so I’m recommending you get an Endoscopy!
Me: (Thinking) Are you kidding me? Are you trying to make some extra cash to fly to Florida this winter?
Me: (Speaking) Really? Fine……ah, what’s that?
Doctor: It’s nothing compared to the last exam. You just can’t eat or drink anything after midnight.
Of course then he mentions the tube down my throat. My heart sinks. I don’t want a tube down my throat. My tonsils are so damn big, I can barely swallow a semi-chewed piece of chicken let alone a tube. But I figure, if this is my month to have tubes stuck in different orifices so be it. Let’s just get it over with!
Then I think, “Is this what women are thinking when their guy asks them for certain…ah….um…..requests.” God, I hope not.
But now that I’ve endured The Backdoor. And now about to have Pie Hole Donor I begin to wonder???
Well, I get through it. Actually, more like I sleep through it. Afterwards my wife and I meet the doctor and he says everything looks good. I think, “Great.” Once again, good and bad news.
Doctor: There’s just one more test we should do to be completely thorough.
Me: (Thinking) I’m going to beat this dude to a pulp soon.
Me: (Speaking) What is it?
Doctor: It’s called a Small Bowel Series.
Me: (Speaking) Fine. Let’s finish this.
Doctor: This is the easiest test yet.
However, there’s nothing SMALL about this test. No, it’s not that bad, but it’s still humiliating. Why?
My test was in the radiology department at the local hospital. The place has been pretty good to us. Our daughter was born there, so I don’t mind it that much.
They’re on time, which is even better. I get called. The nurse says I have to change out of my jeans and put on a jimmy and robe. I unhappily comply. Then they take an initial picture of my intestines and I’m good to go. No, not leave. Now for the good part. I get to drink the Barium. What’s that? Barium is a chalky white, thick substance that helps them see your insides easier. It’s not pleasant, but at least it’s not two liters. More like drinking two sodas, except it takes like chalky shit.
Then I go get another picture taken to see where the Barium is in my system. The nurse says, “It’s still in your stomach. The best thing you can do is walk around to get your system moving.”
Me: What do you mean?
Nurse: Just walk around this little loop.
Me: (Thinking) Are you freakin nuts!?? I have to walk around the hospital in my freakin’ Jimmy!!! When does the humiliation end?
So now two other patients and I are doing laps around this loop in the hospital. We pass each other and nod and smile.
Can we say, AWKWARD!
Basically, we’re all walking around waiting for this white, thick, mucousy substance to pass through our stomachs and into our bowels.
Can we also say, TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
So I start walking faster. Screw this. I start lapping these other patients and I stop smiling at them. I mean business.
Then the one patient says to me, “The faster you walk the slower it works.”
I think, “Are you seriously talking to me? We’re not at a party dude, we’re walking around in a public place in our hospital pajamas. Please don’t talk to me!” I feel like saying, “Oh, stick a tube in your damn pie hole!” But I just nod and half smile. Sometimes I’m too damn polite! BUT……………………………
I win. I get called first and I’m outta there ten minutes later. He’s still walking when I leave. SUCKER!!!
Of course, I then have to deal with the aftermath. Chalky fireworks. But hey, at least it’s in the comfort of my own bathroom.
No results yet, but I’ll stop now. You all must be pooped by now!!
“ONE of THE GUYS”