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Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Written by “Mr. Nice Guy” the newest member of THE GUYS.

5 years ago I was Tiger. Relationship, job, personal life completely in shambles. Unfathomable amounts of pain and horrendous feelings of betrayal for my wife, family and friends. Fast forward to today and the picture is that of a faithful spouse and dedicated father with career on the fast track. Relationship with my wife is more close and real than ever before.

Is “Love” Addiction Real?

From my experience, absolutely. As a serial cheater, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, tried to stop several times, but ended up going back to my “high” as a way of coping. The rush addicts get from their drug is chemically pretty much the same whether that drug is alcohol, drugs, sex or food. And it’s not uncommon to get one under control and then have another one rage out of control. Lots of books on this. Patrick Carnes has written oodles on the topic. I know that since I’ve treated my susceptibility as an addiction, it’s been under control ever since. If you treat something like it’s an addiction and then it stops, I think the question of whether it’s an addiction or not becomes secondary.

Can Guys Change or Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Guys can absolutely change … both externally and internally. Been to your 25th high school reunion yet? If so you know the former is true. The internal changes are tougher. For me it was lots of therapy and TLC from spouse, friends and family. Guys’ (and gals’) brains get wired at a pretty young age and if the tendency to cheat gets wired in, it takes *a lot* of work to change that wiring, but it can be done. And it’s an ongoing process.

How Did My Wife Forgive Me?

I’m not sure how she did, frankly, so what I write below should not be interpreted as me speaking for her – just “best guesses” on my part. I do know that I am eternally grateful to her for taking me back and giving me a second chance. If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope I would show the same strength, character, courage and understanding and forgive her like she did me. We still have heated arguments over it (mostly me listening) and I definitely am still earning her trust back. Forgiveness for stuff like this is not a moment in time, but a long process which requires lots of discussion, reflection, listening etc. I think one key to her forgiving me was seeing how I was taking therapy and recovery program work very seriously. She also knew that I had a very strong track record of self-improvement and knew that I was determined to live a life of integrity and leave the underworld behind. When things first hit, the support of her family and an extremely talented therapist/counselor were absolutely critical in stopping the bleeding and establishing the desire to heal. My wife also knew the addiction/mental illness spectrum up close as several of our friends and family members have battled it for a long time. Her forgiveness has been transformational for both of us. I often wonder what our (and our kids) lives would be like if she hadn’t forgiven me. Her ability to forgive literally saved my life — I am forever grateful to her and love her more than ever.

Have You Had Experiences With This?

Have you ever taken someone back after a Tiger Woods like level of betrayal? Or have you (or some woman you know) been a female version of Tiger and been forgiven? My guess would be that cases like mine where forgiveness is granted are probably the exception not the rule.

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Posted in Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 5 Comments »

Part 1: Three Guys on Cheating

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.

These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.

But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”

So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree(we know you will), agree(we know you might) or share your personal experiences.

Part One:

From “One of The Guys”

Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!

But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?

That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.

For Example:

Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?

Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?

Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?

What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?

Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.

Here is one example:

The Extreme Black and White

This friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”

He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”

I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”

He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”

I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)

And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)

Another Example:

Mr. Cool

This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.

I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”

He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”

I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”

He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”

I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means)

He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”

I said, “Hmmm……………”

After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.

If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.

But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.

When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.

So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?

Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?

Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?

I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)

Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:

“Well why won’t they have sex with you?
What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?
Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?
Or talk to them?
Or help around the house?
Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”

But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.

But bottom line. It’s complicated.

So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.

Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”

To ask THE GUYS any question related to this post or anything involving GUYS or relationships, please email us at: advice@theguysperspective.com

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Posted in Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 27 Comments »

Where are my pants?

Monday, February 15th, 2010

Lately I’ve been having this strange sensation. After leaving the house and arriving at wherever I’m going, I say to myself, “Did I remember to wear pants?”

Seriously! I actually check myself to see. Although, by the time I arrive at my destination it’s probably a bit too late.

I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s somewhat alarming. And it seems to be part of a trend, rather than an isolated incident. I think it’s probably due to the fact that my head is so overwhelmed with life I can barely stand. Like all of you, I’m trying to juggle a family, a job and my own personal journey. This is tough to do, very tough. In fact the only way to survive this is to get rid of things.

Picture yourself on a hot air balloon that is descending quickly because of too much weight. What do you do? You start chucking stuff over the side. What goes first? Things that you brought that you really can’t use on a hot air balloon. Maybe a toaster, baseball bat, your knife collection or whatever furniture you thought would make the ride more cozy.

I’m not saying that my pants would be the first thing to go, but maybe it’s because they are something I really do need, that I fear I may have forgotten them. This is similar to dreams where you can’t find your classroom for your final exam, or forgetting to put your newborn IN the car, but instead leaving them on TOP of the car.

So many sweet moments come and go every day and I’m panicked that I’m missing them. Or I fear that they’ll never actually stick in my memory and then be long forgotten in the sea of lost moments. To me, that is TERROR, far scarier than any horror movie. Because memories are what make every wonderful moment last forever.

So maybe it is time to get rid of some things that aren’t important and “unclutter” my brain. That way I’ll be more PRESENT in everything that I do! And maybe I’ll actually start remembering things again.

And if this “uncluttering” process requires some sort of sacrifice, then why not My Pants! It seems like a small price to pay to get my memories back.

What would you be happy to sacrifice so you can remember again?

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Ideas, guys, relationships | 27 Comments »

Personal Space Invaders

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Our world is changing fast, especially from a technological standpoint. The ability to communicate with anyone around the world has become as easy as turning on the faucet. Cell phones, email, skype and social networking sites all provide access and make the world essentially a smaller place.

So is this a good thing? We say yes for the most part, because with a larger market there are more opportunities. However, this also comes with new forms of abuse.

Privacy has taken a nose dive. It’s easy to find anyone on the planet. And if you ever had dreams of getting off the grid, you were born a century too late.

But people have been ignoring personal boundaries for a long time. These are people who either aren’t aware of personal space or ignore it to serve their own purposes. We call these people,

PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS.

They come in many forms. Some are completely harmless and others are actually quite dangerous.

Let’s take a look at these people in all their mutations.

Close Talkers: Maybe coined by the great Seinfeld episode….These are the people who cozy up to you during a conversation and spray you with saliva bombs and other debris. They are usually completely harmless and are actually quite chummy. But if you know you’re going to encounter one, plan accordingly. Bring an extra change of clothes and a face mask.

Touchers: These are people who touch to accentuate their point. It’s a way to bond. Now in some cases this is sweet and nice, but often it can get to be too much. How do you know when it’s too much? By the bruises on your arms or back the next day. But honestly they do mean well in general, unless they are really a Groper in disguise. You’ll know this when they apologize for accidentally missing your shoulder.

Big Huggers: They are in the Touchers family, but they actually have an agenda beyond bonding. Generally the rule of hugging is similar to the rule of hand shaking. It should be somewhat equal. We hate it when some GUY tries to show how manly he is by squeezing the crap out of our hand. C’mon MAN! Firm is one thing, but this is not a contest. These Big Huggers often get a thrill out of feeling another body close to them, so they squeeze and squeeze. Once again they are generally harmless, but best avoided. And they are everywhere!

Phone Solicitors: These people drove the wagons west and carved the way for the rest of the technological abusers. They call us any time of day and night with no respect for privacy or family time. Now sure, it’s their job, but at some point they might need to ask themselves, “Is it really OK to call on a Sunday night at 9pm?” There is such a thing as Karma….we think?
The general populace has been able to combat them with a variety of measures including the answering machine and caller ID. But it’s still maddening that they even make the attempt. And when you ask them to put you on the DO NOT CALL list, they are polite and sweet, but then their colleague calls you the next day feigning innocence. MORAL: Don’t answer your phone.

Spammers: We’ve been inundated with Spammers lately. We’re not sure what they are actually gaining from their actions, since we delete them as fast as they post. But they are so annoying, like persistent flies or mosquitoes, feeding off our blood.
If anyone has any advice on what Captcha to use, etc. please let us know.
Otherwise we wish we could set up a new sort of Octagon, where the Phone Solicitors and the Spammers could fight to the death. And the rest would be fed to the Stalkers.

Stalkers: These people range from creepy to dangerous and every level in between. Who are they? Possibly spurned lovers, crazies, people who are angry with their life or jealous of someone else’s life. Either way, they use every means possible to unsettle their target. It’s like a home invasion that goes on in perpetuity.
These people are savvy and smart too, using sites like Facebook to assume the identity of their target and then infiltrate his/her world. (Yes, this just happened to “Another One of The Guys.”)
They are very difficult to get rid of.

So, what to do about all this?

All of this technology allows businesses and yes even Bloggers to expand their brand and reach a wider audience, but reaching a wider audience can also mean more problems. But that shouldn’t stop any of us. We can’t let these people slow us down! So keep your radar up and don’t let them get to you.

How do you combat these Personal Space Invaders?

THE GUYS

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, Ideas, The Guy's Horizon: Commentary on the Future, guys, relationships | 23 Comments »

The Alpha Male

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

It came to my attention that my seven year old son is the alpha male in his class. My wife and I would never use this terminology to describe him, but it was used by one of the other parents in the class.

Sure we think he’s wonderful, smart and cute, but all parents think that about their kids. And yes he’s a good athlete, but so are countless other boys and girls in his school and around the world.

But somehow he’s risen to a place where the boys follow him around and the girls giggle and stare. The funny thing is, he’s clueless. He isn’t basking in it, in fact he’s embarrassed by it. At least he’s embarrassed when my wife and I ask him about the girls. More on that later.

So what’s up with the alpha male? Is there a unique combination of qualities that make up the top dog, or is it just some sort of energy that makes it happen?

THE GUYS and I have always been surprised and intrigued by this phenomenon. Which Guy at a party or bar, emerges as the alpha? Which guy do the girls/women swoon over? Sometimes it’s obvious who it will be, and at other times it couldn’t be more puzzling. So what it is?

Here is our list. And keep in mind that different stages of life require different qualities to be the alpha. Also, we’re not describing what qualities we think guys should possess, but just what helps them rise to be alpha male.

Elementary School

1. Big
2. Good Athlete
3. Cute
4. Loud

High School

1. Cute
2. Good Athlete
3. Has own Car
4. Rumors of large member
5. Tall and/or big
6. Loud mouth party guy
7. “Bad Boy”
8. Confident

Adulthood

1. Good Looking
2. Lots of money
3. Famous
4. Tall
5. Funny…..no, really funny!
6. Smart….and turns that into a profit
7. Large member
8. Has cute girlfriend or wife
9. Rumors of lots of money
10. Confident
11. Add yours here. What do you think? Or what did we miss?

So back to my son.

We were all sitting having dinner together, which doesn’t happen as much as we’d like. Everyone was feeling quite cozy and happy. My daughter crawled up in my lap and said she wanted to marry me. So cute! Then my boys said they wanted to marry my wife. So since the topic of marriage and girls and boys was being thrown around, my wife mentioned to my son that some of the girls in his class thought he was cute.(She heard this from other parents.) She was just joking around with him. We didn’t expect him to get THAT upset.

But, he left the table crying. He was also mad and was yelling too. Then when my wife went in to talk to him he said angrily, “I feel like saying the F word!” (Discussion of the F word has been part of our house the last few weeks, since my oldest heard it on the bus.) Then all of a sudden I hear, “FUCK!” Now, I know this isn’t really funny, but the way it went down was just too hysterical. So I start laughing out loud. I mean he’s 7 and has no idea what it means! Soon my oldest son and my daughter were laughing too. My daughter had no clue what we were laughing about, but she joined in anyway. Of course my seven year old hears us and gets even madder. Then he says the funniest thing to my wife,

“And I’m definitely not going to marry you now!”

Now, I’m doubled over laughing. I mean, he’s being so serious. Please don’t scold me. I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but sometimes these moments just have to be enjoyed. And yes, I went in and talked to him and apologized. Of course I tell him later that he should be glad I laughed instead of grounding him. All is good. We explained that we weren’t trying to make him feel bad by telling him girls liked him. And at some point he might actually like that girls like him. But my wife and I both promised not to bring it up again. And he promised not to use the F word.

I never was the alpha male. I think there were some moments where I was close, possibly first Lieutenant, but never the top, top. I was always jealous of the top guy; in fact all guys are.

But now I see that things at the top aren’t always perfect either, especially if you don’t want all the attention.

The things you can learn from a 7 year old!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

PS. Thanks for all your support. All my stomach tests came out normal. I’m thinking I may have an allergy or something. Seeing the doc on Tuesday to go over things.

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, parenting, relationships | 17 Comments »

The Duality of Men

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes too. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat, fierceness and loyalty; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see HER! Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….we say, I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in). Our point, we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please!

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Posted in Essays, Humor, Ideas, Relationship Humor, relationships | 16 Comments »

Just hold the damn door!

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

THE GUYS and I have noticed an alarming trend that seems to spreading across this great nation. This trend has little to do with politics or money. It has little to do with religion or any of the other hot button topic being  fiercely debated by our government and by the people.

It has to do with common courtesy.

Chivalry isn’t dead. In fact it’s very much alive. Guys will generally go out of their way to hold a door or carry a bag  for a woman. And certainly they’ll stop their car for a woman trying to cross the street. Although that’s likely due to the fact that they just want to WATCH the woman cross the street, but still they stop.

But when it comes to Guy on Guy, that’s a whole different ball game. (Sorry we couldn’t help ourselves.)

We’re not sure what this is all about really. We wonder if this trend is due to the general insecurity of many guys who think it might make them look gay or weak to extend courtesy to another guy? But it’s happening believe us.

You have to watch closely for this. It’s not overt. To use a football analogy since it’s the opening weekend of the playoffs, it’s like a slight push when a receiver goes up to catch the ball. It’s just enough to knock him off balance so he doesn’t make the catch, but not enough to really hurt him. And certainly not enough for the official to call a penalty.

So this is a call to take notice. You can find out a lot about a Guy by how he treats other Guys.   How?

Because Guys travel in packs. The Old Boys Network, The Geek Squad, The Fraternity Brothers, The Poker Gang, The Tennis Club, etc. These groups often give us identities that we like to project to the rest of the wolves. They help define us and give us territorial jurisdiction. (You see we’re all really still in high school.) So if you can find a Guy who is willing to extend a hand to a lone wolf that may have stumbled into his territory, well then you’ve found your mate for life. He’s probably a good Guy through and through. One who’s confident and comfortable in his own skin.

But if he’s not willing to do that, the least he can do is hold the door while he kicks the guy into the street.

Now is that too much to ask?

THE GUYS

What have you noticed lately about courtesy that you’d like to share with THE GUYS?

And for questions of almost any nature, email us: advice@theguysperspective.com

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Posted in Current Affairs, Essays, guys, relationships | 16 Comments »

Et tu Tiger?

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Guys just can’t get a break these days. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Bad parenting, infidelity, you name it. But the final knock out punch was when I heard that Tiger Woods had now joined the club of cheaters. Not Tiger! Please say it aint’ so!

This news rocked my world. Not that I follow celebrities and athletes and their various extra-curricular activities too much. But Tiger….Well, he’s Tiger. I’ve always rooted for him in all aspects of his life, on and off the course. He’s always been so unique, so talented, so cool.

But now what? The GUYS and I have been working hard to promote men as emotionally stable, self-aware  beings. This news hardly helps our cause. I mean, Tiger??!!! I keep thinking it’s a bad joke, but apparently it’s far from that.

Tiger’s famous, with all the money in the world, a beautiful wife and two healthy children. And he’s the best golfer in the world, which is what he’s probably envied the most for. So how can he have any possible motivation to cheat? How does this even enter his psyche?

But let’s ask the bigger question, “Why do men cheat in general?”

Chris Rock famously said, “Men are only as faithful as their opportunities.” I get the joke, but I’m not so sure it really applies. Men cheat because they choose to cheat and because something is missing from their lives that they aren’t aware of. It’s not men who cheat, it’s individual men.

But it doesn’t hurt to at least look at the list that is most often cited for why guys cheat:

Guys crave variety.
Guys want more excitement, which includes chasing skirts.
Guys want to do things sexually that their wives don’t want to do.
Guys want to experience the “First” sensation again. First kiss. Love at first sight. First everything.
Guys get bored easily.

Sure those may all true, but mainly they’re just excuses. And I’ve talked to enough women to know that they want these things too.

The real reason is, these guys have never learned how to live in the real world. Instead, they live in a fantasy world of their own creation. And what a fun place to live.

Imagine a place where you can have love and security. You can have your ego stroked 24/7.  You get unconditional love. Lots of money and toys. Sex anytime you want with anyone you choose.  AND you have no responsibilities except making yourself happy. Wow, what a play land that is!!!!

However, therein lies the problem. These cheaters are not happy. They spend their lives searching, chasing, looking, only to find dead end after dead end. For them it’s all about the future, not THE NOW. But happiness comes from within. The rest is all about choice. What choices do I want to make? And how do my choices impact the people in my life?

Tiger is left to deal with the aftermath of his bad choices. I feel sorry for him, but I feel more sorry for his wife and kids. What a mess!!!! But this cheating thing isn’t a guy problem it’s a people problem. It’s individuals who haven’t evolved past an egocentric view of the world. And our society is feeding into that more and more. Everyone’s looking for instant gratification, instant success, instant fame. But it’s all just a facade. A cover up.

It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to feel down or depressed. I’m not talking clinically, I just mean we constantly try to cover up uncomfortable emotions with stimuli, instead of exploring where the emotions are coming from or just experiencing them. Every emotion is part of the human experience and that in itself is wonderful.

I’m still rooting for Tiger. I’m still rooting for him to wake up and take a hard look at himself. Maybe it’s too late to fix the mess, but it’s not too late to make changes going forward.

And as far as the rest of us GUYS, we all have to make individual choices and stop making excuses for ourselves and our buddies. So ladies, don’t give up on us.

Because what would you do without us??   (OK, you don’t have to answer that)

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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Posted in Essays, The Guy's Horizon: Commentary on the Future, pop culture, relationships | 17 Comments »

Question/Answer: His Career

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Dear Guys,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He’s great in all ways except one. He spends a ton of time at his job. I mean more than most. It seems he lives and breathes his job even when he’s not at work. He’s always answering a text or talking business on his cell, even when we’re together on the weekends. He tells me that he can’t afford not to answer his phone. I’m somewhat OK with it now, but I’m concerned for the future. I know he’s trying to get ahead, make money and secure a good future for himself, and hopefully, US. I work too, but I’m able to leave my job and not think about it until I go in the next day. So my question is, how do you see this playing out if we got married and/or had kids? I’m worried.

Chelsea


Dear Chelsea,
No reason to be worried, yet.

This situation is not really that uncommon. Many men define themselves by their work, or by how much money they make. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what it is. And sometimes work does require a ton of time, especially if it’s his own business.

What men ultimately want is respect. We especially want respect from our peers. In high school we get respect by being a good athlete or for dating a cute girl. But as we get older, what we do for work becomes a bigger factor on how we define ourselves. So sure, your man is trying to get ahead and make some money, but his work obviously makes him feel important and respected in his community of peers.

So here’s what we’ll say. Try to be understanding of what he’s trying to do. It sounds like he’s putting in a lot of time now in hopes that it will pay off later. Be patient and supportive. However, you can absolutely ask that he not answer his phone during dates or the time he’s out with you. Lounging at home is one thing, but out on a dinner date, or any date with you, his phone needs to be off and tucked away. (Unless you discuss and agree on something different before the date.)

Projecting into the future is difficult. His behavior could continue forever. If he’s not someone who can appreciate the here and now, you may be getting what you’re seeing. This wouldn’t be good. But lots can change, especially if you have kids. People change and priorities change. If he wants to be a dad, he’ll want to spend more quality time with his family.

So factor in the whole picture and see if it works for you. That’s ultimately the only way you should make the decision. But before you do, please talk to him about your concerns. Sometimes guys are oblivious. He may have no idea you’re feeling how you’re feeling. It’s time to stop being the good girlfriend and make sure  the relationship is working for you too.

He’ll respect you even more if you sit him down and talk to him “man to man.”

All the best,

THE GUYS

For relationship questions, or any question concerning males, email us at:
advice@theguysperspective.com

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Posted in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships | 7 Comments »

The Driving Test: It reveals Much!

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

Driving to my in-laws house over Thanksgiving is no fun. Once I’m there, it’s great, but the traffic going down is hell. Not nail biting hell, just annoying as hell.

Imagine this. Three lane highway. All three lanes full of traffic. For miles.

So I’m driving on one major highway and I need to get in the right lane to merge on to another highway. I assess the situation and I know I’m confronted with three choices. (Remember these choices. They will come into play later!)

Choice 1: Merge as soon as I can, which would put me in the right lane about a mile back from the exit.

Choice 2: Move over somewhere around the half mile mark, hopefully in front of a truck that’s left some space in front of it.

Choice 3: Speed in the middle lane and cut in as close to the exit as possible.

I won’t lie to you, the first choice just isn’t me.  I’m not patient enough when I drive. I should be. It would be better for my health that’s for sure! But although I’m generally a kind enough soul, I have an aggressive streak that occasionally comes out on the road.  Where I live, it’s eat or be eaten. I try to eat.

So as I’m driving down for Thanksgiving, to my surprise and my wife’s, I pull over about the 3/4 mile mark. She just looks at me. She likes driving…grew up with cars…her dad, brother. They all know about cars. I know nothing, but at least I drive like them.

I say to her, “What?!!”

She says, “Do you need to get your testosterone levels checked?”

I say, “I just didn’t feel like being an ass……..”

She says, “Oh really.”

I say, “Yeah. I just can’t stomach it anymore.”

She nods. I nod. We drive.

After arriving at our destination and decompressing for a bit, I was talking to her brother and telling the story I just relayed to all of you. We were laughing about it saying it was the perfect “Guy Barometer.” Each choice gives a woman a pretty good indication of whom she’s dealing with. And no choice is better than the other, just different.

(Keep in mind that these are generalizations. Individuals may vary!)

Choice 1/The Early Merger: Likely to be kind, patient. An all around good guy. Might be boring. Methodical. Possibly a handyman. Book smart. Slow moving…..apply that how you want. Responsible.

Choice 3/The Last Minute Cutter: Aggressive and proud of it. Not patient. Goes for it. Probably has money. Could be a good guy, but also could be a total, you know what! Not handy, but handsy. Street smart. Fast moving…..apply how you want. Risk Taker.

Choice 2: Any combination of above. But he might be worried about what other’s think too much, including you.  However, he could also be a mystery worth unraveling.

So here’s what we’re suggesting. Give your man the driving test!!

It’s often hard to tell after a few dates what your new man is really like. So go for a drive during rush hour or some other crazy time to be on the road and watch what happens. Watch him while he’s sitting, moving and most importantly merging to get off an exit.

You will learn more from from that drive than you will from any advice book you’ll ever read.

So give it a try and please report back. THE GUYS and I want to know.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

ps. Please share any of your traffic or road experiences with us, as they may or may not relate to your relationship. We’d love to hear from you.

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Posted in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, Relationship Humor, Uncategorized, relationships | 8 Comments »

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