Dumped by text

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Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. Things were going good, we were enjoying each other’s time and he was someone I could be open with. Then out of the blue I get this text message saying:

“I just got back from office. I am barely able to finish this text I’m so tired. But it’s important we communicate. I have something to share with you. Met someone that I like and I wanted to give it a fair chance. So I have to be true and fair to myself, you and her. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing each other for now. I would like us to remain friends but after a bit of time has passed and I feel comfortable in my relationship. I hope you find it in you to be happy for me and wish me well. It is what I would do.”

It was totally out of left field. I was so hurt. This happened about a month ago and I am still hurt and confused about it. I am 33 and he is 45. This is not something I would have expected from an older man.

My question is, what would make a man break up with somone via a text message? Why did he do that? I gave him no reason to think I am crazy.

Confused and hurt,

Fatisha

Dear Fatisha,

Thanks for your question.

We are as taken aback by this as you are. A 45 year-old guy should know better. We’re sorry.

So we discussed among ourselves the question: Is there ever a time when it’s okay to break up via text?

We could agree on only one scenario:

If a couple uses texting as their primary mode of communication, then it seems reasonable—although still odd to us—that this particular couple could conduct a breakup via texting. Otherwise breaking up in a text message is completely irresponsible and shows a total lack of respect.

We know you’re hurt and sad, but hopefully as time goes by you might realize that this man showed his true colors the day he broke up with you. He used the quickest and easiest way to extricate himself from your relationship and then had the gall to ask for your blessing. This shows how little he valued your relationship, and much about his lack of character and values.

We’d like to think that most people face their challenges head on. They admit if they were wrong. They apologize when warranted. And they don’t avoid those difficult conversations even when they know how unpleasant they are going to be. Clearly your man does not live his life this way. So Fatisha, is this the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? Think about how many challenges life throws at us. Don’t you want someone in your corner who’s got your back? Someone you know you can count on when things get tough? Someone who has your best interests in mind?

Hopefully in your next relationship you have will be a true partnership.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section. We’ll respond there. Also, let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

27 Comments on Dumped by text

  1. @Sasha….Do your best to be professional. Our bet is that he’ll try to be professional as well. You may be his subordinate but that doesn’t mean he has power over you. In general it’s frowned upon for bosses to sleep with their employees. So hopefully both of you will do your best to establish a work relationship and move forward. Good luck.

  2. @Mary……..We’re sorry, but we don’t think this is going anywhere. The distance is an excuse. 40 miles is nothing if a guy is into a woman. We’re not sure what happened. Maybe he met someone else? Maybe he decided the relationship wasn’t for him. Maybe he realized he doesn’t want anything serious. Who knows. But he made a decision without talking to you about it. That’s really hard. Our advice: If you want to contact him by all means do so. You want answers. We get it. But just understand that it’s likely you won’t get a satisfactory answer even if you do get him to talk about this. Good luck and take care.

  3. Hi Guys – You responded to my post below in May. In your response, you said he wasn’t interested and it was time to move on. I took your advice and accepted the end. He and I were not in contact since May, when he ended it. Then this happened:

    Two and a half months after he ended things (via text!) due to some personal problems, he reached out to me last weekend. He asked if we could meet up. I said yes. Other than the first few moments, it wasn’t awkward. It felt like not much time had passed. He brought up the topic of why and how things ended. I didn’t want to be the one who brought it up as I wanted our meetup to be fun and casual. He said he had been depressed and he felt like everything was falling apart for him. His personal crisis had taken over his life. He was very complimentary to me, saying he respected me and admired my maturity, patience and understanding while everything was going on. He said that even though out time together was brief, he still remembered and thought of me. Thanked me for basically not flipping out on him and for giving him his space. I really wasn’t expecting that. He apologized and said he has a lot of growing up to do. He then told me what he was doing to make that happen.
    After we had addressed how it ended, we then continued on with the evening. It was a lot of fun and we just sat and had beers and talked like old friends catching up. I was going to cut the evening short but he asked if we could hang out just a little longer. And we continued on for another couple of hours. Later on, we did make out for a bit but he said he didn’t want give me the wrong impression about why he contacted me. I had no expectations and I let him lead. We ended the evening with a kiss and a big hug. Neither of us mentioned we’d see each other again or have further contact.
    I know that he’s someone I’d definitely want to keep in contact with. Even though we are no longer dating, I think he’d make a really good friend. Since he was the one who ended things and then the one to make first contact, would it be wrong of me to try to maintain contact? Why after all this time, would he reach out to apologize? Is it closure for him? Or is it an invitation for friendship? If he didn’t plan on speaking to me again, what was the point of seeking me out and giving me an apology? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

  4. @CB……Hopefully you’ll get some other responses from people in similar situations. Our guess is he has been lonely, and you’ve always been an emotional support to him. He also suspected that you might still be open to him, and who knows, maybe he was testing the waters to see how he felt. However, the fact that he said he didn’t want to give you the wrong impression does speak volumes. If he really wanted to try again he probably wouldn’t have said that. Our advice: Let him continue to lead. We worry that you’ll try to be friends with him but only because you’re hoping he’ll come around. All that’s going to do is keep you in an emotional holding pattern. (We may have already said this to you.) Your call of course. GOod luck.

  5. Thanks for the response. About the wrong impression comment – he said he didn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression. I took it as he didn’t want to leave the impression that the only reason he contacted me was for physical reasons. It didn’t occur to me that he meant he didn’t contact me for any other reason than to apologize. So your perspective was one an enlightening one. I did have someone do that to me before, come back to apologize and immediately wanted to resume the physical only to leave again. And again. This guy has never behaved in a disrespectful way (other than the text). My intention in meeting up with him really was to see how he was doing and if his life had improved. I had no expectations of any physical contact. He initiated it. But I will take your advice and tread carefully. Thanks again!

  6. So the guy came back in the office and its been three weeks now. the very first day, he greeted me with a smile and i responded without any emotions. i took your advice and have been acting very professional. did not talk to him at all and focused on my work. i sent him a very formal email as i was required to and immediately received a very long response about work and idea of one on one meeting regarding upcoming assignments (he is my second line boss). he is also behaving professionally and does not talk to anyone. however i caught him looking at me several time everyday and the moment i see he turns his face.I am completely professional although inside i am going through emotional turmoil and mixed feelings. just wanted to give you an update.It is one of the most difficult situations i have ever been.

  7. @Sasha…..Thanks for the update. Keep us posted. And hang in there!

  8. Hello Guys, I was dumped by text message also 3 months ago. It was totally out of left field and needless to say, it blindsided me and left me dumbfounded. My ex (39yrs) and I (35yrs) had been in a committed long distance relationship for almost 4 years.He’s in the military but was and has been stationed in the states since before he and I first met. Everything was blissful in the beginning as they often are, but the last year of our relationship was emotionally rough for the both of us. He got into a bit of trouble with the military (disciplinary issues like speeding tickets, reckless driving, and arriving to duty late). Things became increasingly difficult for him and he was later diagnosed with PTSD. He was in danger of being chapter-ed out of the military because of all of this and was stressing a great deal. We rarely got to see one another so communicating via text was usually how we corresponded. After his duty he’d call sometime, but I didn’t stress that too much because I still respected his need to be able to do things that’ll help him relax and I didn’t want to cause him anymore stress that he was already enduring. I pretty much let a lot of things slide that I normally wouldn’t let go by without addressing them in any other relationship: not calling or texting me for weeks or a month at a time, not calling me on my birthday or even a card, and not giving me anything for Christmas or Valentine’s Day even though I got gifts to give him that would make him smile. Fast forward to March of this year, the last time he came to see me; he drove 5 hours for a surprise visit after I told him I wasn’t going to ask him to come see me anymore because he hadn’t come the last 4 times I asked. I was extremely happy to see and I thanked him for going above and beyond to come see me. things went smoothly for us for 2 short weeks and then he went back to not texting, calling, or emailing. I tried calling him but got no response…finally he responded days later saying he’s been unable to contact me and threaten to call it quits with me because I had texted him and gotten him into trouble. I mean, how was I suppose to know, if he didn’t tell me, that he wouldn’t be able to contact me for a while. He just one night said “babe, I’ll call you right back” and disappeared for weeks again. I ended up backing off and not trying to contact him, then on Mother’s Day he texted me to wish me happy mother’s day and to say he hopes all is well and that he still loves me. I thanked him, responded with a “I love you too” and then heard nothing else from him until I texted him on Father’s Day to wish him a happy one. This was his response “thanks, I’m doing okay just going through alot right now. We need to have a talk real soon”. I had a bad feeling so I told him to just say it and not keep me wondering. He responded “I don’t think things are going to work anymore, it’s not you, you did nothing wrong, its me”. I asked was it someone else and he told me that he had met someone else, that they started as just friend and never has sex (as if I needed to hear about their dealings). He also said that he didn’t want to hurt anyone, that’s the last thing he wanted to do was to see me hurt. He then texted “I LOVE YOU I really do” and ” I want you to remain my friend…my best friend” I couldn’t believe my eyes, I asked him why couldn’t he call and tell me this…all he replied was that he just couldn’t. He then said he wasn’t getting out of the military in Aug as he had planned and was enlisting into another branch for 2 years and didn’t know where he’d be station. I initially agreed to the friendship but ended up emailing him a few days later I’d want to be his friend and I couldn’t be friends with him and still be in love with him. I wished him well, threw in a few of my subtle inside jokes that only he’d and I’d understand and told him good-bye for good. The issue is, after 3 months I’m still wondering what happened, if he’d ever really loved me, is there a chance of him coming back, and should I even take him back if he did. I mean I love the guy still but I am healing the hurt that he left me with. Maybe he got spooked at the prospect of me expecting marriage (which I wasn’t) after almost 4 years maybe he felt pressured, or was it loneliness and wanting someone closer to him. I don’t know. I’m still lost and confused by it all. What do you guys think. A friend told me that I devalued myself in his eyes by being so accommodating and a push over. Is that true? I hope I didn’t talk too much, just had to get it all out I guess. What do you guys think?

  9. Dear guys,
    My ex recently broke up with me vua a text mesaage. We have dated begore about 5 months ago. We broke up for 3 months and I wanted to get back togwyher woth him because he is my forat love and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doybt. I am 17 and he is 21. Wheb we got bavk together about a month ago I xoulsnt ve happiee. O suspecred that something was wrong and he twlls me I xant gwt over rhe past I’m jot rg

  10. Dear guys,
    My ex recently broke up with me via a text mesaage. We have dated before about 5 months ago. We broke up for 3 months and I wanted to get back together with him because he is my first love and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am 17 and he is 21. When we got back together about a month ago I couldnt be happier. I suspected that something was wrong and he tells me I cant get over rhe past I’m not right in the head for you goodbye. My heart is broken and I cant move on im stuck. Why couldnt he tell me to my face or atleast a call.

  11. Dear Guys, an update on my situation. I have been trying hard to be professional with the colleague who split up.I am really mad now as he is been trying to flirt on me again. and i recently found out he is a polygamous and has two wives. he recently married to the second wife. It is legal in the country, however not acceptable socially any more. I hate him and want so mad at him. its hard to not react when he is still trying to get friendly and lovely with me.what should i do now.

  12. @Sasha……We’re sorry. Clearly the guy is a player. We’d tell him to stop immediately. Tell him you do not like his flirting or appreciate it. If he doesn’t stop you have two choices. 1. Deal with it. 2. Go to his superior and tell him/her that this guy is harassing you. Of course if you do that several things could happen. 1. He could be disciplined. 2. He could be fired. 3. You could experience a backlash and other co-workers who like him will treat you poorly. 4. The superior might blame you and then you could be disciplined or terminated. Since we’re not part of your work environment it’s hard for us to say, but it’s always best to consider all options before you take action. Good luck.

  13. Dear the guys’
    I had been dating my boyfriend for about two or three months. He was always a real sweetheart and always told me I was beutiful. But there was one thing that was really making me uncomfortable. Everything in our relationship was moving was too fast. We were making out within a week, and within a few more he wanted to grope me. Then a week later he wanted to touch me down there. I said he could but I knew it wasn’t right. So I told him I wanted to slow down. He agreed but I could tell he was not happy about it. I asked him if he thought I as going to slow and he said a little. He always asked me if I wanted to go back up but I always said no. One day we had talked a little about sex and that made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t do it anymore so I decided to break up with him. But I was afraid because i’ve seen him when he gets mad. So I did the worst thing a girl could ever do…I broke up with him through a text. He texted me back saying, “It’s okay.” But the next day he approched me on the computer, gave me the present i had given him last week, and then walked away without a word. My friend said she had talked to him and he had said that he was dissapointed in me for breaking up through a text. Now I feel so terrable. What should I do?

  14. Holy cow I just saw this now. (Apparently I’m a few years behind.) My ex-husband informed me he was leaving me (and the kids) and that there was someone else in his picture…he “informed” me…VIA EMAIL. He couldn’t be present in our marriage (wasn’t doing anything with me or the kids, even skipped out of “family” things, near Christmas) and wasn’t present in it’s dissolution either. Eventually (once I wrapped my mind and emotions around it) I gave him what he wanted…six years later he still emails or messages me on Facebook to tell me he loves me and I was the love of his life and why did he throw everything away. At this point all I can do is delete and sigh him away. I have no respect for him (even as the father of our children) and can’t work up enough empathy to give a darn.

  15. Thank you Guys, your advice is always helpful.People have started talking about the player’s secret second marriage and he is quite defamed now.I hate him and do not talk to him at all. I am in the process of getting the better job soon and will be in a better position to get event with him. during last 8-9 months, i have gain much more respect due to my hard work and professional attitude. As well as i am very well connected in town as well. feeling confident and can easily get event with him. He has no power to affect him.Since i will move on to the next job,I am in a powerful position. I want to give him a big lesson after all i work for women rights and empowerment.

  16. Hey guys

    I’m bewildered. My Macedonian boyfriend of 8 months dumped me via text. This came after a normal day of lots of texting and normal behaviour from him. This was a man who loved me and considered me to be his ‘life partner’. To provide some background however, I hadn’t met his parents and asked nicely when that would happen. He advised one week earlier that he was going to introduce me in a few weeks, that he was then wanting to move in together. I’m Jordanian. At approximately 9pm of that same day I tried calling him and he rejected call it seemed. Then came the text, ‘this is the last time I was to contact you. From here on I can’t talk to you anymore. I’m sorry that I led you on but I need my life back’. I was shocked. He was fine the whole week and I did not see him getting distant. In fact, that same day he asked if the both of us could do something the following night or Friday. This came out of nowhere. Ordinarily I asked for further explanation, if it was really what he wanted, and he texted the following, ‘we don’t have a future together and it better that we just stop talking. My family situation is not going to change, I can’t be the one for you. If I can’t have that it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on you. There isn’t going to be an us so better to let you go your own way. I’m sorry but it’s better this way. ‘ baffling. So this was Wednesday night. On Friday he sent email in response to question of ‘is this really what you want” question. The email said following,’ You know what I want.

    I just don’t want to drag you through this any further. My parents don’t want to meet you and it makes me incredibly angry and sad. But I don’t have the power to do my own thing yet. I don’t want you to keep waiting, I don’t want to feel like I’m holding you back or not able to meet your expectations.

    I don’t know what else to say, the reason I wanted to keep it brief is because I don’t want to draw out any more hurt.

    My situation just doesn’t permit me to be with you. It breaks my heart and I’m sorry.’

    I presume it’s because I’m Jordanian but the fact he ended it via text and won’t return call makes me think that’s not the real reason. Could you guys help me?

  17. @Melissa……We’re sorry. Via text is not a very admirable way to break up with someone. And frankly, this should give you some insight into his character. From what you describe he seems somewhat “cowardly” just by the way he lets his parents run his life, and by the fact that he wasn’t man enough to talk with you face-to-face. We realize that we probably don’t understand all the cultural implications going on here, but at the same time, “what’s right is right.” There is a right way to do things and there’s a wrong way. Our advice: As hard as this may be you’re going to have to try and move on. You may never actually get the answers you’re seeking. (Why he actually broke up with you.) Yes, there could be more going on here and maybe he’s using his family as an excuse to break up with you, but the bottom line is, he isn’t going to change his opinion. Basically: He’s not the right guy for you. We are sorry. Take care. And thanks for your donation.

  18. My exboyfriend broke up with me a month ago thru text.
    he couldn’t tell me why he broje up with ne. Hewas alwah too busy for me, bever answered phone or text, alway wanting to know where I was. Texted me more than ever.
    he told ne he would call me to come to get my clothes. He put them outside. Wow
    he didnt communicate with ne at all.
    now he wants to text and call me nothing has happened.
    I still love thus monster

  19. @Rebecca…..Did you have a question? We’d suggest you make a list as to what you love about him. Maybe you love him out of habit? It doesn’t sound as if he treats you that well.

  20. My boyfriend of 18 months just dumped me and I am sad he is 33 and I am 47 we have been having a good time until last December he told me he wanted to be friends with benefits we have been doing that the last couple of months I thought things were going fine until last Saturday my grown daughterwho has acess to my facebook account and she was updating my account and accidently sent a friend request to a girl my boyfriend use to date well this girl called my boyfriend and asked who I was and my boyfriend asked me about it. I told him it was an accident and I was sorry he then defriended me from his facebook. I got off work got him some Taco Bell and drove to his apartment to try to make up with him. He was at work and told me to leave I continued to ask him if we could meet and talk just for a minute after he got off work. He then said he would call the police if I was not gone. I ended up leaving and the next day he texted and said it was over he never wants to see me again or be friends I don’t know what to do. He really hates me and never wants to see me again. I am so confused.

  21. @Angie….We’re really sorry. It’s hard to say what’s going on, but our best guess is that he proposed Friends with Benefits because he didn’t want a serious relationship with you and wanted to fool around with other women and not feel guilty about it. Keep in mind. If things started out as a committed relationship and then moved to Friends with Benefits, then this has been coming for some time. A guy wouldn’t do that if he was totally into the woman. Again, we are very sorry. Hope this helps clarify some things for you.

  22. Thank you I am not sure what to do I was thinking of not contacting him for 30 days and see if contacts me. Not sure if that is the right thing to do

  23. @Angie….Give him some space for now. Contacting him in 30 days might be okay. But if you do, just say hello, nothing more. You want him to be the one to initiate some sort of conversation, or reconciliation. We’re sorry. We know this is hard. Good luck. ps. Just don’t be surprised if he’s not open to getting back together. Don’t sit around and wait forever for him if he doesn’t seem receptive to you in a month.

  24. Jessica // May 12, 2016 at 1:00 am //

    Hey guys,
    So I’m insanely confused. I was with a guy for 5 months and him and I hit it off from the start. We both made effort to see each other and he was the best anyone has ever been to me. He would tell me he didn’t want to be with anyone else and I could see he really had strong feelings for me and was always upfront about them. His job started to get in the way and we weren’t seeing eachother as much. I noticed he was putting his job as first priority but was still always happy to see me. Then one night he completely blows me off with plans that he made out of the blue. I texted him telling him that I felt like a second option to him because he had blown me off. He tells me we need to talk then shoots me a text saying “I think we’re both at different times of our lives and we both have a lot going on. I think for now the right move is to part ways because I can’t give you everything that you deserve right now. My focus is on work right now and I do a lot of it. I do really care about you, more then you know. I just don’t want to drag it out and and up hurting you. You deserve the world, and you’re an incredible person and I feel blessed to have been a part of your life. I’m sorry Jessica but I hope that you understand.” I told him that I was still willing to try and make it work with him and asked if it was really what he wanted, he said he feels like it’s the right move right now because he doesn’t feel like he’s in a place where he can give me “what I really deserve in a relationship, maybe in the future when I can give you more of me it will be better but right now I don’t think I can”.
    I don’t really believe him anymore when he tells me he cares and he hasn’t talked to me since. It’s been almost a week and I’m wondering if I should just try to move on or if you guys think he really meant what he said? I don’t want to wait around for someone who doesn’t want me

  25. @Jessica…….We’re sorry. We know this is hard on you. To us, this sounds like a classic “it’s not you it’s me” line, dressed up in nice clothes. Saying that you’re incredible and that he cares about you more than you know, doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. And the proof is in the pudding. His actions tell the tale. He’s putting his work ahead of you, plain and simple. Our opinion: Move on. Don’t settle for a guy who’s lukewarm about the relationship. We say, be open to new possibilities. But this i your call of course. We wish you the best. Any other questions? ps. Please share our site with your friends. THanks.

  26. Ladies, listen up….If you have to ask a man “So what are we?” or “Where is this relationship going?” the answer is NOWHERE. If he’s broken up with you, let him go. Men by nature are hunters and go for what they want. If he wanted you to be his wife he would have proposed. If he wanted you to be his lady, he would have asked you. Men go hard for what they truly want. If he’s not making you a priority, you’re not what he wants! You are valuable!! Focus on you’re inner spirit and save your time & energy for a man of integrity who cant wait to put a ring on your finger and proudly claim you. Don’t waste another moment of your life pining after someone who doesn’t care if you’re around or not!!! Respect yourself ladies. Stop chasing someone who doesn’t want you. Make yourself available for someone who does. Lesson learned, move on.

  27. @Mom…..Well said!

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