My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?


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Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?


Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,


ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

358 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. Glad I’m not the only one feeling so sad and confused. So here we go: I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. Up until a couple of days ago, I trusted him completely. The thing is, he was into me for almost a year before I finally gave him a chance. We were very good friends and he was there for me for some terrible times in my life. While I wasn’t extremely physically attracted to him, I always felt safe and comfortable with him so I thought why not. Of course, now I am falling for him, but sometimes I feel it’s not the same way with him. He hasn’t said the L word, pretty much said he wasn’t there yet… he’s not too affectionate physically and we’re only intimate like once a week, if that. But he’s always there when I need him, has introduced me to his whole family and his friends all vow he’s a sweet, solid guy w a good heart so I have tried not to get so insecure. However.. last Friday we were watching a movie and I glanced as he was checking his email. I noticed he was deleting a bunch of stuff and stopped at an email from a dating site that said a girl wanted to know more about him. He skipped that email, did not delete it, and deleted the rest. I was shocked and went into the room to chill for a bit. A while later, he came in and I confronted him. He said he used that website before, it was deactivated but they were still sending him emails. When I asked why he didn’t delete it, he said he thought he had and he must have missed it and apologized. I’m at a loss…. I want to belie e him so much, but now I doubt a lot of what he says, when I never did before. I know I am an insecure person sometimes… I’ve been cheated on in the past and my father cheated on my mom several times. So tell me guys – how do you know if it’s instinct or insecurity? I’m at a loss. I thought I had finally found such a good man. Oh, he’s also older than me, like 7 years. I want a family, he knows it, but he’s still unsure about it. I was going to give it a year and if he still didn’t know, move on, but now with this… and now I’m falling for him. Ugh… please help.

  2. Hi, I been with my fiancé for 13 years and we have 2 children together. When our youngest was only a month old. I went to grab his phone to call someone and he had left a message open stating payment confirm ed to a casual sex site. I snooped and found out he posted himself as single looking for casual sex and gave out his email and phone number. I was so upset I confronted him and he told me he only did it because he was lonely, when I confronted him he got very aggressive saying he did not met up with anyone and that it was never cheating as he never met them in person, he also posted naked photos of himself on there. He still uses social sites and winks and talks to women often and when I confronted him he gets very aggressive again and yells at me saying it was up to me to get over the trust issue as it just talking and he doesn’t have to tell me about them. Our relationship is at breaking point and I said I don’t think I can trust him again. He told me if I wanted to make the relationship work it is up to me to trust him. He said that I push him away as I ask where he is going when he gets hhome. I am worried he will cheat on me if he gets the chance, but I feel it’s my fault for pushing him away by asking. When I try and and talk he says I should think of his point of view, like when he is away its a guy thing and he gets lonely
    . I guess I’m asking if I caused this by snooping in the first place. Thanks for listening

  3. @Kristy…..First of all, thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it. We’re not sure where to start here since we have a lot to say on the topic. First of all, whether or not you snooped is not the issue, the issue is the fact that what he’s doing is completely inappropriate for someone who’s supposed to be in a committed relationship. Of course the fact that you’re still his fiance and not his wife after 13 years, should tell you a little bit about his inability to actually jump into the pot with both feet, instead of dipping one foot in while he dangles the other out. You don’t trust him, and that’s probably a good thing. In fact what we think he’s doing is creating a situation that’s impossible for you to stomach, thus making you the bad guy, the person who is undermining the relationship, not him. Basically he wants his cake—you and the kids—and he wants to eat it too—be single and screw other women. Maybe he hasn’t done anything yet—although from our experience many women find out after the fact that their man was cheating all along; we can’t say in this case because we don’t know him—but we can say that posting naked pics, flirting with other women, etc. is not really acceptable. Ask yourself how he’d feel if you were doing that to him? We doubt he’d think it was okay. The question Kristy is: What do you want? You do realize that trust is everything in a relationship, and it sounds like that’s been gone for a long time here. So do you think you can get that back? Is he capable of change? Is your relationship salvageable? (It takes a lot for people to change. Not just saying that they’ll change, but concerted effort. Counseling, etc.) Do you even want that? You need to do some soul searching here. But remember, people snoop for a reason. And just because you snooped doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. You found out he was doing some unsavory things. Your snooping doesn’t absolve him of all wrong doing. We hope this makes sense. Feel free to ask any follow up questions. Good luck.

  4. Right, Im in a bit of a pickle… to the extent I don’t even know if he loves me like he says he does. We have been together a year and a half now, I know he used to be on loads of dating sites (not very nice ones either). Randomly I had seen in his email account, not by snooping but by checking something on his phone with him, messages popping up of the sender of the email “localslags”etc. I will also add that I have been in bad relationships in the past and for me, trust is something that is earned, not that is just outright given to someone you don’t know. So.. I questioned him about these sites and he said it was from before he met me and he tried to unsubscribe but they still send him emails. Because of my past this kept on playing on my mind so I went through his laptop one day (yes I know..) in august and found out in July he subscribed to a couple of sites. He is a pretty shy guy and would never have the guts to meet up with one of these girls, doesn’t even respond to them or pay for accounts. Even with my trust issues I don’t think he would ever cheat on me. The thing that is killing me slowly is that we had a lot of sex in the beginning of our relationship and then four or six monthts in to the relationship, he just stopped…well to the point where we struggle to have sex once a week. Im 33 he is 35, Im in my prime and Im a sexual person, he just does not seem interested in having sex with me, we have had a lot of conversations and arguments about this issue and Ive heard every excuse under the sun, low sex drive, not as young as I used to be, I have to be in bed cuddling to start anything… to be fair he does have a burst varicose vein in one of his testicles and now this is the most recent excuse even though he has had it for who knows how long…. Why is he looking at dirty pictures of girls younger than me but doesn’t want to have sex with the girl he supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with!?

    After me finding the FHM dating site he signed up to in April this year… I confronted him about it and he said he had a week moment, had a doubt about us and had a quick look. He likes to choose girls as his favourites… it was like a dagger in the heart finding this… the man who is promising me I am the one for him and cant stop telling me how much he loves me, doesn’t make me feel sexy, wanted in bed and signs up to look at other woman on dating sites…. Im so confused, we keep trying to move forward but I don’t know what to do or where to go, Im really stuck, in a bad way.

  5. I hope you guys can help me in this heart broken situation :)

    My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. He’s from America, I’m from Denmark. We knew each other for four years before we started dating, we’ve been dating now for about half a year and out of those six months I’ve stayed with him for about four of them. He’s supposed to come visit me for a month during the holidays but I’m not so sure if I want that anymore..

    Everything started out as a fairytale, he treated me like a queen and I felt more than happy in his presence. We were supposed to spend his 21st birthday in Ireland but due to financial problems we couldn’t but he even told me he would have gotten down on his knee and purposed to me if we had made that trip to Ireland. We do have some problems that are too private to share on here, but nothing we couldn’t work out and it has gotten better with time. Even though he tells me I’m the woman of his dreams and he wants us to move in together, things have changed and are not the same anymore..

    During my last stay in America, I was searching for some articles on him and his rugby team but I ended up on his profile on a dating site. When I confronted him he denied right away and explained that the only reason he made that profile was because he saw an ad on Facebook, this site had a picture-rating app that he wanted to try out. Fair enough, he let me look through his profile (it took a while for him to log on so he might have deleted messages etc.), while doing that I hit the history button on his phone and caught a glimpse of a Google search “Chat to Brazilian women online” before he ripped the phone out of my hands and got mad at me for looking at his history.

    Actually the next day we had been watching videos on my computer, we used his YouTube account. Later that day I wanted to log on to my Gmail, we forgot to sign out of his YT account so I automatically got redirected to his Gmail (or Google account or whatever). Right there in his inbox I see a mail from a so-called Lorena, with some attachments. I should never have opened that mail but I did..
    She had attached six pictures of herself, four of them was definitely not something you would send to someone who is “just a friend”, to be honest they were very sexual. Btw I found out this Lorena is Brazilian. When I confronted him about this he said she was just a friend, he didn’t ask for those pictures and he had not sent any pictures to her. He acted in a way that made me feel bad and guilty for being upset about it, apparently he didn’t feel like he could talk to me but he could talk to this girl about anything. This time I ended up apologizing.

    And here I’m sitting, back in Denmark, two weeks after my last stay in America. Looking at his new profile on a new dating site. I don’t know what his explanation will be this time, all I know is that I should probably have followed my intuition the first time I saw something suspicious.

    It’s safe to say that I’m heartbroken after this discovery, all his ex girlfriends cheated on him so I honestly thought he knew better than doing it to someone else. What I don’t understand is why he hasn’t broken up with me yet if he’s looking for something else, why does he spend endless amounts of time and money on making me come visit him if he doesn’t love me or wants to be with me? And last but not least he always use to tell me communication is the key in a relationship, if he’s unhappy with our relationship or with me, why doesn’t he tell me instead of this? Can I blame myself for his actions, could I have Skyped him more or given him more attention so he didn’t feel the need to seek that from others? I’m confused and want answers but I know I wont get that from him.

    I’ve already forgiven him twice, I’m sure he thinks that next time I’ll forgive him too. So I wanna hear you guys’ opinion, is this a big enough reason for me to break up with the love of my life?

  6. Confused lady // December 22, 2013 at 5:02 am //

    I meeted a guy over the internet n we agreed we would be in a relationship but in the passed months I’ve found several profiles of him on a dating website claiming to be single so I mentioned it to him twice but he gets mad at me for finding this profile not once but twice.. Was I wrong for finding it?? Or I should’ve never told him and just leave him alone for good this time?

  7. my boyfriend and I met off of a dating website and have been dating for 1 year and a half now and he says were gonna get married and stuff, One day I was going through my emails and I saw were a long time ago that he messaged me on the website from along time ago I clicked on it to see if his profile was still up and it was because I had deleted mine so I looked at his pictures he had a black Iphone when we met but then he bought a white iphone 5 ,8 months in our relationship .. so I saw the photos and there was one photo of him taking a photo with his white new iphone .. ok so I asked him about it and he said he doesn’t know how it got on there he said he didn’t put it on there I asked who did he said he didn’t know and he is dead set on that answer .. I love him soooo much he was my first for everything my first love but I just don’t know what I should do he says he didn’t do it but i just don’t know im lost help

  8. Well…I have been with my bf 5 years, a year ago I found a gay dating website open on his phone, I did literally stumble upon this by accident as my bf asked me to google something on his phone whilst he was driving..I click off it at the time not thinking…but I guess it was always in the back if my mind, and I later went snooping (which normally I NEVER do) to find the website with lots of msgs to and from guys..I also found a text msg which was arranging a second hook up…so the text and the site msgs both contained evidence that he had in fact met up with these guys, it wasn’t just msgs. I was in shock obviously and confronted him straight away…he denied it completely, and shut the site down before we had chance to talk or do anything, he works in a garage so he claimed it must of been a big set up, but it was all too real! I told him we were over as I didn’t know what to think, I also found an email that he hadn’t deleted properly to the website asking them to email me and convince me that it wasn’t him on the site..or else his relationship was over, the way the email was worded suggested it was him…but didn’t want me to find out! Anyway I was all packed and ready to leave..(we moved to Australia from England, so leaving wasn’t as easy as driving down the road) I was about to book my flights when 1 of the guys he works with rang me and told me he was rly sorry but it was him and another guy at work that created the was all a big joke that went way too far…I sort of accepted this but still had doubts! 1 of the guys supposedly behind it was well known for being a bit he would just download porn all day at work..and just send the lads vile txt msgs and pics just for a laugh! So it made sense in a way..but then I still didn’t understand what I had read suggesting they had met up with lads from the site!…but then I did start to doubt myself and what I actually read..about a week later I heard Martin and his friend (who was living with us for a few weeks at the time) talking about it, and his friend was saying that I should of trusted it wasn’t him, he knew that it could never be true…but then he said I don’t think you will ever find out who created the website though! So I questioned him the next day about it and he basically said I was imagining things..I didn’t hear that! Which I then started to doubt if I did hear it!! That was a year ago…things have only rly been good in the last few months with us…I got friendly with one of the guys wives who supposedly set the website it was still on my mind I asked her about it, and she actually put my mind at rest…told me her husband told her about it and it wasn’t rly was more the other guy(the strange one) but she said basically not to worry about it as it wasn’t Martin! It was only a few weeks or more later that she came out with it that she lied ..her husband covered for Martin…he had nothing to do with it, Martin was rly upset and asked him to ring me and tell me it was him…she said she couldn’t speak for the other guy obviously, but Matin had made out to her husband that it must of been the other guy…who is now no longer working there so it’s not like I can just go ask him and get answers…so now I am just totally confused again!!! I want to get over it, and don’t think it could be him..I just can’t picture it! Then again…I just can’t get what I read out if my head…!? Please help :-S I would love to make a donation…but literally all out accounts are joint, don’t want him questioning this! :-( sorry guys!! thankyou

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