My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

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THE GUYS

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Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice: 

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

 

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

29 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. As many before, I feel much better after reading the comments on your site. That I am not the only one in a humiliating situation of being lied to.
    I guess my story is similar to many others: I’ve met my boyfriend on Match.com 2.5 years ago. I thought we had a great relationship. Six month after we’ve started dating, he asked me to be in exclusive relationships. I agreed and asked him only one thing: not to cheat on me, because I consider it the ultimate betrayal (my father was a cheat, and my ex was a cheat). My boyfriend agreed. He also told me that when he joined Match.com, he was single. Fast-forward to June next year, when I found out that he had an active profile on a different dating site. He contacted (by accident) a woman whom I knew. I was completely blown off my feet, as he kept sending me the most romantic emails daily, saying the – usual, I guess – stuff about me being the only woman he has ever loved, his best friend, etc. I checked his profile, but he was not very active after initial couple of months, and then he deleted the profile in August. Last September, he asked me to move with him and his teenage son. It was not an easy transition, obviously, but I thought that in a committed relationship, both sides have to sacrifice and fight, in order to make things work. Well, several weeks after the move, I found out that he created a profile on a different dating site a week before my scheduled moving date! He checked it daily, sometimes several times a day. I was completely lost. Why asking me to move in, right? I told him that I will let him go without any drama; any time he feels he wants to be free. I started thinking that he asked me to move in only to take care of his son. Last November, we had a huge fight. I came home from work, and found that he posted yet another profile on a different website. So, I couldn’t stand it any longer and confronted him. First, he denied everything. Only when I told him his user names, he admitted to it. His response about the latest website: I thought you were leaving me, so I didn’t want to be alone. His response about a second website: I was checking on my ex-girlfriend. I love him, so I agreed to give it another chance (he deleted the profiles). Yesterday, I found out that he created yet another profile on another website. I confronted him right away. His response began from “I am not on any of these sites” to “I did it just to check if you are snooping on me” to “I did it to help my friend to find dates (a Good Samaritan he is!)” to “I don’t consider it cheating, it is just web surfing and harmless”.
    Now, Guys, please let me know: it is normal for a 53-y.o. man to create a profile with his information (except that he posted as “single”, of course), to help his friend (who lives 50 miles away!) to find dates? His friend has been in many relationships before (actually, he still might be in one!), is highly educated dude and can read, write, and speak perfect English. Somehow I think that it is a rhetorical question, but I have to ask (and vent) anyway.
    By the way, the third time was the charm – I couldn’t’ stand his lies any longer and moved out, last night. He sent me his usual email about him being sorry and not meaning to cheat. Oh, and in the past, during one of our arguments, he nonchalantly let it slip that he was cheating with his ex (which he supposedly didn’t have!) right before I moved in, “just for fun”. So he was cheating on me for 9 months of our “exclusive” relationship. I also think that he physically cheated on me with a daughter of his friend (she is young, loose, and will do it for booze, drugs, and money), but I don’t have any proof (except some clues from his behavior), so he will deny it anyway. Oh, he never lacked sex in any ways, so that was not an issue (for some, lack of sex is the main reason to cheat).
    I still love him (don’t know why) and long for him (we had so many good times together), but at this point I think I will be better off on my own, licking my wounds and trying to restore my faith in men!

  2. So many of the comments in this thread ring true for me too. My Fiance, whom I met online, is also still “dabbling” on online dating/sex sites. I dont think he has actually met up with anyone but he continues to contact other women in our “local” area for reasons only know to him – ego boost? getting older so wanting to still feel atractive to women? He is 52 I am 45 with three children (he has no kids). Sadly I believe it says more about how I value myself that I havent kicked him out as I have had this out with him before. About 18 months ago I even posed as a member on one online site that I knew he was on (I often snoop on his laptop, he isnt very computer savvy and doesnt clear his history) and ended up having online sex with him, just to see how far he would go, he asked “me” if I wanted to meet up sometime, I said no, and then, because of info he had told me I made out that I found out thru Facebook that he had a fiance and told him I had contacted her (me) and sent a message telling what had happened. I confronted him about this and he passed it off as just a bit of naughtyness while he was away working. Most of the time our relationship is quite good but obviously there are big problems from my side with trust.
    Maybe one day I will have the strength to end this cycle, but for now I find I just keep telling myself that I know he really does love me and I love him. Sad I know.

  3. LD BF wouldn’t deactivate his TAGGED account though met him there and his status is in a realtionship. But now it bothers me. I already asked him several times if we could deactivate it but he gets pissed. He tells me I have had it even before. And he said i dont trust him. He tells me that i am trying to prove him that he cant control himself if someone flirts with him that i don’t trust him and its not practical. So I stopped mentioning him about it.
    Overall, I’m just really confused. I’m very much in love with him and lately we’ve been talking about moving in together, which was something he brought up first, and he’s even brought up marriage and having kids together. So does he really love me and want those things or is he just keeping me around as a constant? I’ve tried asking how serious he is about our relationship and he responds by telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to try and build a future for us together.

    I have absolutely no idea how to process, react, or handle all of this. All I do know is that I feel really sad and i am scared i dont want to lose him and i want to make him feel that i trust him.. what should i do.. You would think something like this would be easy to pick up on. So any advice or comments would be great! Thank you in advance. Also our communication is not always anymore.. he even postpone his trip in novemeber because of his family and work as well as his schooling.. but i understand.. I am just confused.. He is far away and i dont knowwhat to do..

  4. Glad I’m not the only one feeling so sad and confused. So here we go: I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. Up until a couple of days ago, I trusted him completely. The thing is, he was into me for almost a year before I finally gave him a chance. We were very good friends and he was there for me for some terrible times in my life. While I wasn’t extremely physically attracted to him, I always felt safe and comfortable with him so I thought why not. Of course, now I am falling for him, but sometimes I feel it’s not the same way with him. He hasn’t said the L word, pretty much said he wasn’t there yet… he’s not too affectionate physically and we’re only intimate like once a week, if that. But he’s always there when I need him, has introduced me to his whole family and his friends all vow he’s a sweet, solid guy w a good heart so I have tried not to get so insecure. However.. last Friday we were watching a movie and I glanced as he was checking his email. I noticed he was deleting a bunch of stuff and stopped at an email from a dating site that said a girl wanted to know more about him. He skipped that email, did not delete it, and deleted the rest. I was shocked and went into the room to chill for a bit. A while later, he came in and I confronted him. He said he used that website before, it was deactivated but they were still sending him emails. When I asked why he didn’t delete it, he said he thought he had and he must have missed it and apologized. I’m at a loss…. I want to belie e him so much, but now I doubt a lot of what he says, when I never did before. I know I am an insecure person sometimes… I’ve been cheated on in the past and my father cheated on my mom several times. So tell me guys – how do you know if it’s instinct or insecurity? I’m at a loss. I thought I had finally found such a good man. Oh, he’s also older than me, like 7 years. I want a family, he knows it, but he’s still unsure about it. I was going to give it a year and if he still didn’t know, move on, but now with this… and now I’m falling for him. Ugh… please help.

  5. Hi, I been with my fiancé for 13 years and we have 2 children together. When our youngest was only a month old. I went to grab his phone to call someone and he had left a message open stating payment confirm ed to a casual sex site. I snooped and found out he posted himself as single looking for casual sex and gave out his email and phone number. I was so upset I confronted him and he told me he only did it because he was lonely, when I confronted him he got very aggressive saying he did not met up with anyone and that it was never cheating as he never met them in person, he also posted naked photos of himself on there. He still uses social sites and winks and talks to women often and when I confronted him he gets very aggressive again and yells at me saying it was up to me to get over the trust issue as it just talking and he doesn’t have to tell me about them. Our relationship is at breaking point and I said I don’t think I can trust him again. He told me if I wanted to make the relationship work it is up to me to trust him. He said that I push him away as I ask where he is going when he gets hhome. I am worried he will cheat on me if he gets the chance, but I feel it’s my fault for pushing him away by asking. When I try and and talk he says I should think of his point of view, like when he is away its a guy thing and he gets lonely
    . I guess I’m asking if I caused this by snooping in the first place. Thanks for listening

  6. @Kristy…..First of all, thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it. We’re not sure where to start here since we have a lot to say on the topic. First of all, whether or not you snooped is not the issue, the issue is the fact that what he’s doing is completely inappropriate for someone who’s supposed to be in a committed relationship. Of course the fact that you’re still his fiance and not his wife after 13 years, should tell you a little bit about his inability to actually jump into the pot with both feet, instead of dipping one foot in while he dangles the other out. You don’t trust him, and that’s probably a good thing. In fact what we think he’s doing is creating a situation that’s impossible for you to stomach, thus making you the bad guy, the person who is undermining the relationship, not him. Basically he wants his cake—you and the kids—and he wants to eat it too—be single and screw other women. Maybe he hasn’t done anything yet—although from our experience many women find out after the fact that their man was cheating all along; we can’t say in this case because we don’t know him—but we can say that posting naked pics, flirting with other women, etc. is not really acceptable. Ask yourself how he’d feel if you were doing that to him? We doubt he’d think it was okay. The question Kristy is: What do you want? You do realize that trust is everything in a relationship, and it sounds like that’s been gone for a long time here. So do you think you can get that back? Is he capable of change? Is your relationship salvageable? (It takes a lot for people to change. Not just saying that they’ll change, but concerted effort. Counseling, etc.) Do you even want that? You need to do some soul searching here. But remember, people snoop for a reason. And just because you snooped doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. You found out he was doing some unsavory things. Your snooping doesn’t absolve him of all wrong doing. We hope this makes sense. Feel free to ask any follow up questions. Good luck.

  7. Right, Im in a bit of a pickle… to the extent I don’t even know if he loves me like he says he does. We have been together a year and a half now, I know he used to be on loads of dating sites (not very nice ones either). Randomly I had seen in his email account, not by snooping but by checking something on his phone with him, messages popping up of the sender of the email “localslags”etc. I will also add that I have been in bad relationships in the past and for me, trust is something that is earned, not that is just outright given to someone you don’t know. So.. I questioned him about these sites and he said it was from before he met me and he tried to unsubscribe but they still send him emails. Because of my past this kept on playing on my mind so I went through his laptop one day (yes I know..) in august and found out in July he subscribed to a couple of sites. He is a pretty shy guy and would never have the guts to meet up with one of these girls, doesn’t even respond to them or pay for accounts. Even with my trust issues I don’t think he would ever cheat on me. The thing that is killing me slowly is that we had a lot of sex in the beginning of our relationship and then four or six monthts in to the relationship, he just stopped…well to the point where we struggle to have sex once a week. Im 33 he is 35, Im in my prime and Im a sexual person, he just does not seem interested in having sex with me, we have had a lot of conversations and arguments about this issue and Ive heard every excuse under the sun, low sex drive, not as young as I used to be, I have to be in bed cuddling to start anything… to be fair he does have a burst varicose vein in one of his testicles and now this is the most recent excuse even though he has had it for who knows how long…. Why is he looking at dirty pictures of girls younger than me but doesn’t want to have sex with the girl he supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with!?

    After me finding the FHM dating site he signed up to in April this year… I confronted him about it and he said he had a week moment, had a doubt about us and had a quick look. He likes to choose girls as his favourites… it was like a dagger in the heart finding this… the man who is promising me I am the one for him and cant stop telling me how much he loves me, doesn’t make me feel sexy, wanted in bed and signs up to look at other woman on dating sites…. Im so confused, we keep trying to move forward but I don’t know what to do or where to go, Im really stuck, in a bad way.

  8. I hope you guys can help me in this heart broken situation :)

    My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. He’s from America, I’m from Denmark. We knew each other for four years before we started dating, we’ve been dating now for about half a year and out of those six months I’ve stayed with him for about four of them. He’s supposed to come visit me for a month during the holidays but I’m not so sure if I want that anymore..

    Everything started out as a fairytale, he treated me like a queen and I felt more than happy in his presence. We were supposed to spend his 21st birthday in Ireland but due to financial problems we couldn’t but he even told me he would have gotten down on his knee and purposed to me if we had made that trip to Ireland. We do have some problems that are too private to share on here, but nothing we couldn’t work out and it has gotten better with time. Even though he tells me I’m the woman of his dreams and he wants us to move in together, things have changed and are not the same anymore..

    During my last stay in America, I was searching for some articles on him and his rugby team but I ended up on his profile on a dating site. When I confronted him he denied right away and explained that the only reason he made that profile was because he saw an ad on Facebook, this site had a picture-rating app that he wanted to try out. Fair enough, he let me look through his profile (it took a while for him to log on so he might have deleted messages etc.), while doing that I hit the history button on his phone and caught a glimpse of a Google search “Chat to Brazilian women online” before he ripped the phone out of my hands and got mad at me for looking at his history.

    Actually the next day we had been watching videos on my computer, we used his YouTube account. Later that day I wanted to log on to my Gmail, we forgot to sign out of his YT account so I automatically got redirected to his Gmail (or Google account or whatever). Right there in his inbox I see a mail from a so-called Lorena, with some attachments. I should never have opened that mail but I did..
    She had attached six pictures of herself, four of them was definitely not something you would send to someone who is “just a friend”, to be honest they were very sexual. Btw I found out this Lorena is Brazilian. When I confronted him about this he said she was just a friend, he didn’t ask for those pictures and he had not sent any pictures to her. He acted in a way that made me feel bad and guilty for being upset about it, apparently he didn’t feel like he could talk to me but he could talk to this girl about anything. This time I ended up apologizing.

    And here I’m sitting, back in Denmark, two weeks after my last stay in America. Looking at his new profile on a new dating site. I don’t know what his explanation will be this time, all I know is that I should probably have followed my intuition the first time I saw something suspicious.

    It’s safe to say that I’m heartbroken after this discovery, all his ex girlfriends cheated on him so I honestly thought he knew better than doing it to someone else. What I don’t understand is why he hasn’t broken up with me yet if he’s looking for something else, why does he spend endless amounts of time and money on making me come visit him if he doesn’t love me or wants to be with me? And last but not least he always use to tell me communication is the key in a relationship, if he’s unhappy with our relationship or with me, why doesn’t he tell me instead of this? Can I blame myself for his actions, could I have Skyped him more or given him more attention so he didn’t feel the need to seek that from others? I’m confused and want answers but I know I wont get that from him.

    I’ve already forgiven him twice, I’m sure he thinks that next time I’ll forgive him too. So I wanna hear you guys’ opinion, is this a big enough reason for me to break up with the love of my life?

  9. Confused lady // December 22, 2013 at 5:02 am //

    I meeted a guy over the internet n we agreed we would be in a relationship but in the passed months I’ve found several profiles of him on a dating website claiming to be single so I mentioned it to him twice but he gets mad at me for finding this profile not once but twice.. Was I wrong for finding it?? Or I should’ve never told him and just leave him alone for good this time?

  10. my boyfriend and I met off of a dating website and have been dating for 1 year and a half now and he says were gonna get married and stuff, One day I was going through my emails and I saw were a long time ago that he messaged me on the website from along time ago I clicked on it to see if his profile was still up and it was because I had deleted mine so I looked at his pictures he had a black Iphone when we met but then he bought a white iphone 5 ,8 months in our relationship .. so I saw the photos and there was one photo of him taking a photo with his white new iphone .. ok so I asked him about it and he said he doesn’t know how it got on there he said he didn’t put it on there I asked who did he said he didn’t know and he is dead set on that answer .. I love him soooo much he was my first for everything my first love but I just don’t know what I should do he says he didn’t do it but i just don’t know im lost help

  11. Well…I have been with my bf 5 years, a year ago I found a gay dating website open on his phone, I did literally stumble upon this by accident as my bf asked me to google something on his phone whilst he was driving..I click off it at the time not thinking…but I guess it was always in the back if my mind, and I later went snooping (which normally I NEVER do) to find the website with lots of msgs to and from guys..I also found a text msg which was arranging a second hook up…so the text and the site msgs both contained evidence that he had in fact met up with these guys, it wasn’t just msgs. I was in shock obviously and confronted him straight away…he denied it completely, and shut the site down before we had chance to talk or do anything, he works in a garage so he claimed it must of been a big set up, but it was all too real! I told him we were over as I didn’t know what to think, I also found an email that he hadn’t deleted properly to the website asking them to email me and convince me that it wasn’t him on the site..or else his relationship was over, the way the email was worded suggested it was him…but didn’t want me to find out! Anyway I was all packed and ready to leave..(we moved to Australia from England, so leaving wasn’t as easy as driving down the road) I was about to book my flights when 1 of the guys he works with rang me and told me he was rly sorry but it was him and another guy at work that created the account..it was all a big joke that went way too far…I sort of accepted this but still had doubts! 1 of the guys supposedly behind it was well known for being a bit strange..like he would just download porn all day at work..and just send the lads vile txt msgs and pics just for a laugh! So it made sense in a way..but then I still didn’t understand what I had read suggesting they had met up with lads from the site!…but then I did start to doubt myself and what I actually read..about a week later I heard Martin and his friend (who was living with us for a few weeks at the time) talking about it, and his friend was saying that I should of trusted it wasn’t him, he knew that it could never be true…but then he said I don’t think you will ever find out who created the website though! So I questioned him the next day about it and he basically said I was imagining things..I didn’t hear that! Which I then started to doubt if I did hear it!! That was a year ago…things have only rly been good in the last few months with us…I got friendly with one of the guys wives who supposedly set the website up..as it was still on my mind I asked her about it, and she actually put my mind at rest…told me her husband told her about it and it wasn’t rly him..it was more the other guy(the strange one) but she said basically not to worry about it as it wasn’t Martin! It was only a few weeks or more later that she came out with it that she lied ..her husband covered for Martin…he had nothing to do with it, Martin was rly upset and asked him to ring me and tell me it was him…she said she couldn’t speak for the other guy obviously, but Matin had made out to her husband that it must of been the other guy…who is now no longer working there so it’s not like I can just go ask him and get answers…so now I am just totally confused again!!! I want to get over it, and don’t think it could be him..I just can’t picture it! Then again…I just can’t get what I read out if my head…!? Please help :-S I would love to make a donation…but literally all out accounts are joint, don’t want him questioning this! :-( sorry guys!! thankyou

  12. Unfortunately all men cheat or intend on cheating. All of them, Preachers, School superintendents, county commissioners, Grand=dads, Architects, Presidents, All of them. The only way to stop them from cheating is to let them cheat, stop wondering why he doesn’t want to have sex with you, because he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter if you are thin or thick or lose a ton of weight. Life the fool he is let him cheat, don’t act like you know don’t act like you care and don’t give him any sex, make his ass beg for it. Go to bed early, take care of your own body, do your facials, and mani pedi, and don’t worry about wtf he does cause he’s gona do it regardless of what you think or know, specially if you do know. BIG DEAL let him do it. I mean don’t run and tell him to go do it. just don’t worry about it. give him the noose to hang himself. Let the other woman deal with his sorry ass, and if she comes banging on your door go fetch your man to take care of his business. and remember, THEY ARE ALL LOSERS

  13. @Billie…..We’re sorry you’ve been hurt and cheated on. Unfortunately, like you said, if a man is going to cheat, he’s going to cheat, regardless of who he is or what he does. That said, we have to respectfully disagree with your statement that all men are losers and that all men cheat. Actually, quite the contrary. Usually there are signs early on that a man might have a propensity to cheat. It’s important for women to not ignore those signs and keep their eyes open. AND…..have self-respect and not accept unacceptable behaviors. We’d say the same for men. Women are not immune to cheating, even if the percentage is lower. Take care of yourself Billie.

  14. Jasmine // March 1, 2016 at 8:47 pm //

    I’d love a guys perspective on my situation! It’s a bit of a complicated one (i’m sorry it’s so epicly long!), and it’s left me feeling pretty overwhelmed.

    I lost my phone and my boyfriend of 2 years lent me his old one. I’d had it a few weeks and he was away for a week with work. I had offered to help him out with some work on a new business website and I knew he had the login details in his email – which he hadn’t deleted from the phone even though i’d asked him if he wanted me to when I started using it. I started typing in a search and up popped RSVPs to Gang Bang parties – back before we were together, but it was still a shock. He explained he’d gone to just one event, hadn’t done anything but watch, and hadn’t felt right about it so he left. He’d not mentioned it because it wasn’t something he was proud of.

    The next day he was still away and I couldn’t help myself, I found a bunch of emails sent in response to Craigslist casual encounter ads. All emails had been sent before we were together except one that was sent a few months earlier. He was on a trip away and had said he was passing through and some crude language about what he wanted to do to her. It had his mobile phone number in the auto signature too. He told me he’d not done anything, that he hadn’t heard back from them. He said he’d never ever cheat on me and hadn’t really thought of it in that way, he was bored and was browsing the site for stimulation. He revealed he’d been watching porn at least once a day for a really long time. He saw this email as an extension of that, and thought a lot of the ads on Craigslist where fakes or jokes.

    He lost his virginity at 29 and up until that point had just watched a lot of porn. The first girlfriend was a bit of a porn star in bed too. Eventually he realised it wasn’t reality that all girls were like that. And I’m certainly not. So when our sex life wasn’t regular, or easy (mainly because my endometriosis) he said that he thinks that’s why he’s gone beyond the porn, but didn’t really think of it as anything different or something that would hurt me like it has.

    He said he’d told me everything but then I found more… He’d signed up to receive emails from a swingers club. I’d seen this when I’d seen the other emails and had asked him about it. He’d laughed saying it wasn’t what he expected and that it was run by a person who liked to write a lot of stuff about themselves. I’d assumed he signed up before we were together and he’d just not unsubscribed and he didn’t tell me otherwise. But he’d signed up to the Swingers Club group on Meet Up in May last year. When I confronted him he said he’d forgotten. He said it had come up as a nearby group when he’d signed up to another group. The following week checking he’d removed himself from the group I found a profile with a really sleezy looking photo (where he granted, did look like he wasn’t taking it seriously) but the most heartbreaking thing was that he written he was single. He said he’d forgotten he’d set it up, had no memory of it. But thinks he wrote single because he’d get more attention, and that he would never have actually met up with anyone. He said he likes the idea of being a swinger and is curious about it but knows he couldn’t be in reality because he’d be too jealous. He wouldn’t want us to be in an open relationship because in special to him and he wouldn’t ever want to share me.

    It’s also come out that he was chatting with an ex lover and letting her think he was still single – he said so as not to hurt her. He also had photos of his ex fiancé naked and performing sexual acts on him along on his computer – he showed these two me when he tracked down where he’d got the sleazy swingers club photo from – He didn’t delete the pictures when he found them. He showed me what was there because he said he didn’t want to hide anything from me. He’d also not been honest with me about his sexual history when it came to unprotected sex.

    We’re trying to work things out and are going to counselling. He promises me that he’d never actually have done anything and that he’d never ever cheat on anyone. He said he didn’t delete anything from his phone when he lent it to me because he trusts me, and had nothing to hide, he didn’t remember these things. I think he has a good heart, but he makes impulsive decisions according to the psychologist which is he cannot remember details from when he was in these pleasure seeming moments. My GP had said to me she hears about this kind of online activity blurring the lines of cheating a lot because sexual content is so accessible. Problem is I’ve never been so impulsive I don’t remember things so It’s difficult for me to put myself in his shoes. I don’t want to assume the worst that he has intentionally been dishonest with me because we’re different and I simply can’t understand, you know. I want to try and be open to our differences but it’s hard, I’m just really scared because I can’t understand it, and i’ve been told I probably won’t ever understand.

    What do you think? Can I trust that he had no ill intentions and made some stupid impulsive decisions? What part do you feel porn plays in this kind of behaviour?

  15. @Jasmine….We read your letter/question. We understand your concerns, but it’s complex. We can only give you the short answer here. (Your question deserves a longer discussion, which we no longer are able to do in the comments.) Porn is not necessarily a threat to a relationship. It all depends on how it’s impacting the relationship. Meaning, does the guy prefer porn over his woman? Does he masturbate instead of having actual sex? Of course, your case is much more complicated because he’s actually interacting with real people, even if it is fantasy to a degree. This new age of readily accessible porn, and titillation, is definitely blurring the lines. Your counselor seems to be pretty dead on. It’s a good sign that your boyfriend wants to work on the relationship. We’d suggest that you continue seeing your counselor. (That’s the best we can do here.) However, if you want to have an actual discussion about your situation we suggest one of two options. 1. Select the Ask a Private Question option on our site. That includes three emails from us. 2. Relationship Coaching option. That includes 8 emails from us. Yes, there are fees involved, but for what you get, we think we’re quite worth it, especially because we’re changing our coaching options in a week to reflect the demand. No pressure, but something to consider. Take care Jasmine.

  16. I met a guy on match about 6 months ago. We had both had serious previous relationships, and were going at a slow but steady pace. We had a weekly date night but would check in daily with each other, and worked at the same campus, so occasionally met up for a quick hello during the week. He told me about 6 weeks in he was falling for me, and at about the 4.5 month mark, he asked if he could introduce me as his girlfriend. He also met my parents when they came to town for a long weekend.
    My match subscription had expired several weeks before this, and even though I’d get occasional email notifications, I was no longer logging in – although I didn’t take the profile down (this was actually a misunderstanding on my part – I didn’t realize my profile was still visible after the subscription ended, but since I couldn’t do anything or see anyone who was contacting me, I didn’t really investigate).
    My boyfriend was born and raised near the city we met, and I’m in a training program that lasts one year. I was very honest about this from the start – unless a job opened up in that city – where the market happens to be pretty saturated – I’d have to leave at the end of the year to get a job in my career field. He continued to hope a job would open up in the city, but has been very supportive about my interviews elsewhere, offering me contract and negotiation advice, and in the nicer areas I’d interview in, even telling me to ask if there is a position in HIS field.
    Last week, everything was going pretty much the same. I had my last scheduled interview, and he and I had texted all day about how it went. He asked me when I was due to fly back; he had offered to pick me up a few times when my flights didn’t coincide with him working, but didn’t this time. I actually didn’t hear from him at all the day I flew back – which was unusual. I texted him when I landed, he asked me about the flight, and that was it. The next day I texted him around noon to say hello, and didn’t hear back. Suspicion was starting to build a little. I had just got another match email notification, so I logged in – the first time I did more than just open the notification via email – to see if I could figure out how to take down my profile.
    I decided to check his profile – after all, it’s how we met – and I typed in his username. To my surprise, not only was he active, he was currently online! Immediately he responded to my previous text with a hi-how-are-you response.
    That was 4 days ago. I didn’t respond – I was pretty shocked and hurt, and I haven’t heard peep from him since. Am I over-reacting? Should I call him out on this? Or am I right in thinking he was cheating and got caught, which is why he’s not communicating?

  17. @Michelle……So just to clarify: You had an interview in a different city. (For how many days?) And then when you arrived back in the city where the two of you live, he hasn’t been in touch for four days? Do we have that right? If so, yes, that does seem suspicious. Question: Is this the first time you’ve been apart since you started dating? (We’re wondering how he’s acted in the past when you’ve left and come back.) What would we do? It seems you have no choice. You have information and you need clarification. But don’t start off accusing him. Mention why you were on Match, and see what he says. Maybe he’ll offer some explanation. If not, then mention that you saw him online and go from there. (Try to ask leading questions rather than putting him on the defensive. You’ll get more info that way.) We’re sorry. This is a bummer. One last thought: If he’s feeling that he’s going to lose you, he might be trying to fill the void for when you leave him. It’s not an excuse, but it could be what’s driving him. Or he could just be cheating. (But maybe it’s all innocent.) Have a heart-to-heart with him and see what he says first.

  18. Anezka Sklar // May 17, 2016 at 10:45 pm //

    Here is my story….I need help…or suggestion. I apologize in advance for bad grammar or spelling mistakes. English is my second language.
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We moved together in August 2015. Two days ago I checked his messages on Facebook. He is not very good with social media. That’s why he wanted me to go to his FB page to post some photos. I found a communication between him and a French girl living in Paris. She is an ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend’s friend. She was going trough a hard time after the breakup and my boyfriend tried to help her out. What started as a friendly communication soon turned to flirting. My boyfriend started talking to the woman over Skype. He wrote her that she was beautiful, he had a crush on her, had dreams about her, repeatedly asked her to contact him on Skype, called her “babe”….When confronted my boyfriend about it, he didn’t deny it. He deleted the messages and defriended the woman. He told me he was sorry, it won’t happen anymore, he loved me, etc. He wants me to forgive him,move on, and put everything behind us. He also asked for sex.What should I do? Give him another chance or brake up with him. I feel betrayed. I don’t know if I can trust him

  19. @Anezka…..We respond to comments on THursday mornings now. (That’s tomorrow EST in USA) We’ll comment then. Take care.

  20. @Anezka…….We’re sorry. You know, everyone makes mistakes. It sounds as if your boyfriend realizes this, and knows what he did was wrong. So the question is: How do you feel? Do you feel that you can trust him again? Besides this one incident, has he given you any other reason to distrust him? Remember, if you see a pattern, that’s when there is a real problem. What do you think?

  21. I would love a guy’s perspective on my situation! Not long after my boyfriend and I got together (maybe a couple months) a friend of mine received a random cookie-cutter message from him on a dating site. At the time, he said he wasn’t sure if we would last and he was trying to keep his options open.

    We moved past that but when we were moving in together he told me the confirmation for our moving truck was in his email on his laptop, I opened the laptop and email to find him still talking to other girls via email… He gives me another lame excuse which of course I fall for hook line and sinker.

    Basically, this has been going on for years. We live together and a few times a year I catch him talking to girls online or getting random texts & snap chats. I have even caught him sending nude pictures and definitely getting nude pictures…

    The most recent time was just this past weekend and he “admitted” that he really only does it for attention. I’m pretty sure he isn’t cheating because I work from home and we have the Find Friends app connected so I can literally see where he is all the time. So unless he is bringing the girls to the beer distribution warehouse where he works, he isn’t getting any actual strange.

    Also, I got a letter delivered to my work address last year from a girl that said she was dating him for almost a year and that he must’ve been living a “double life.” I know his entire family and spend literally every day with him. We have lunch with his mom every weekend – how could someone live a double life when they spend all their time with someone?

    I guess really I wonder if a guy can really do something like talk to girls online just for attention. I am a really laid back girlfriend – the first time I caught him talking to other women online I even offered to be polyamorous which I truly would be okay with but he acted appalled. My friends say that is because he wants to sleep around but doesn’t want me to. I’m just so confused and honestly I’ve always been the one cheating not the other way around so I can see all the angles of infidelity. Am I stupid for staying with him?

    All comments are welcome, seriously if anyone wants to weigh in I’d love the feedback!

  22. @Megan…..THere are a lot of issues floating around here. Do we think is behavior is inappropriate, even if he hasn’t actually met up with any of these women? Absolutely. Do we think he’s actually meeting up with them or living a double life? Hard for us to say. You’d know better than us. Do we think you’re stupid for staying with him? Well, relationships are too complicated for us to make those sort of judgements. Obviously you’re not happy with his behavior or you wouldn’t have reached out to us. So question for you: Let’s say he’s not meeting up with anyone, but he continues to act this way. Are you going to be okay with that if it continues? You have to ask yourself if “intent” to cheat is the same as cheating. Also, ask yourself what he’d do if the roles were reversed. We’re pretty sure you know the answer to that. So what do you think? What’s your plan?

  23. Heartbroken Lover // May 31, 2016 at 5:08 am //

    My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 3 years and have a 9 month old baby boy. I have found dating sites and the last one I found a couple weeks ago. His excuse every time is that he didn’t do it and someone must have his email. I let it go for a while but can never forget. I just want the truth and I feel like I’m not getting it. Am I naive for believing this (even though I really don’t) or just too insecure? I know he cheated on his last girlfriend and his reasoning for that was cause she cheated on him. I trusted him in the beginning with my whole heart, because he was my best friend first and I saw something truly great about him. I fell for him. He always tells me he loves me and that he would never do that to me, but I keep feeling like that stupid girl in the movie that believes the cheater, but everyone in the audience knows the truth. Even if he isn’t physically cheating on me and he’s just on the sites.. it doesn’t matter. It’s betrayal and there’s no reason for it unless I’m not enough and in that case I would need to get out. I feel like he’s lieing to me, but my heart is in denial. This man and my son are my world and I don’t want my heart broken, even though every time I find a dating site or emails for one that’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m being stabbed in the gut by my best friend.

  24. @Heartbroken Lover……Sorry for the delay. We answer comments once a week. Today’s the day this week. We’re sorry. We know this is really hard for you. A few thoughts come to mind. 1. We’ve heard his excuse before. That someone else must have his email. But honestly, does that sound plausible to you? We don’t know one person that that has happened to. Is it possible that he’s not lying? Yeah, sure. But it seems far-fetched to us. 2. The two of you need to get on the same page quickly.
    How do you do that? First step: He’s got to come clean. Either with you, or with the help of a couple’s counselor/therapist. Second step: The two of you need to work this out. You need to tell him what you need from him. (Honesty, loyalty, trust.) He needs to tell what he needs from you. Third step: The lines of communication need to remain wide open so you can constantly check in with each other. (possibly a regular session with a professional??) The thing is, each person has to choose the relationship each and every day. There are no days off. Sure, we’re not always our best, and sure, sometimes the other person can be annoying or frustrating, but you still have to choose the relationship. Whatever he’s doing, whether it’s cheating physically, or cheating emotionally, or cheating by flirting, he’s not being respectful to you or the relationship. That needs to change or you’re eventually going to grow so resentful that you might want to leave. We’re hoping the two of you will be able to work this out. We hate to see couples split up. All the best. Any other questions? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. thanks.

  25. Charfig // June 22, 2016 at 4:55 pm //

    Hello there, first let me tell you thank you for this topic. It feels good to see I’m not alone! My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3years. We have had on and off times. I love him dearly. Our problem was lack of communication. From his part. I would try to communicate with him on a daily basis, but he just isn’t good at replying on a timely manner. I left him a few times because of that. He always ends up coming back, begging for another chance. I always take him back. Also, I caught him on a dating website twice. While we were dating. He actually randomly hit up a friend of mine and I found out. I forgave him and came back. Fast forward some time, everything was going very well. I finally accepted to move in with him, we were actually making plans towards buying a house together, went and saw some, decided on one, everything was great. He said he had plans to marry me. I was ecstatic. The other night I went to his place, and we were looking on his phone together at an email when a pof message showed up. I was crushed. I told him I didn’t understand, we have plans to make a life together, buy a house for God’s sake, why would he be on there? He lied and told me that his phone started doing this after he updated, and that he hadn’T been on the site. I told him alright, show me! I could tell he was nervous and stalling, trying to buy time. He finally opened up his email and sure enough I see an email originating from the dating site, of a convo with a girl. Told him to open the mail right away or I was going to leave. He didn’t want to but finally caved in and granted the convo didn’t say much, it was the girl introducing herself and making a joke, and just him telling her not to be a smartass. But that was dated of the day before that which proved to me that he indeed was on there, and interacting with girls. He told me “there’s nothing there, that’s nothing!” I lost it and freaked on him and left. Did I overreact? Why would he make long term plans and then go online? What should I do? Never talk to him again, or try to work it out? I’m so lost. Thanks in advance!

  26. @Charfig…..We’re really sorry. But we won’t lie to you. This is not an easy situation, and so we don’t have a simple answer for you. The fact is, this is a matter of trust. And as you know, without trust, most relationships fizzle and then end. Did you overreact? We don’t think so. The last thing you want to do is move in with someone, or buy a house together, when you’re not sure you can trust them. SO the question is: Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him again? And that’s a question we won’t be able to answer for you. Only you can decide that. Let’s think about this together. What you’re looking for are patterns in behavior. People make mistakes. Guys make mistakes. Especially young guys. But it sounds like he’s done this sort of thing multiple times, which means it’s now a pattern. Could he break from this pattern? Sure, it’s possible, but he has to decide to break free from it, and then work on it. (Counseling, therapy, or just show signs that he’s changing, not just SAYING he’s going to change) Questions for you: SO where do you stand right now? What was his reaction? Did he seem upset or relieved? Has he tried to get you back? How? What has he done or said? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. And check out some of our e-reports on the seven most frequently asked questions.

  27. Well, you are absolutely right. Thank you for your reply. The thing is, he’s not that young, he’s 35. And yes, I can clearly see a pattern here, you are right. It isn’t the first time he treats me like this. It isn’t the first time I catch him online either but the first time I did, we weren’t to the point of buying a house…we were just dating and I figured maybe he just had doubts. Lame, I know. He didn’t reach out yet, but I know he will. He always does. It s only been a couple days. I’m thinking of blocking his number. Could I trust him again? Probably not. I made that mistake a few times with him already. Love makes you do stupid things. Lol I guess I could never completely trust him, before and now. And for good reasons apparently. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

  28. Oh and as far as what he has said and done: he completely denied it and chalked it up to nothing. He said that didn’t mean anything. He deleted his profile on there too.

  29. @Charfig…….Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the situation. Maybe he’ll change, but it doesn’t sound like it. Whatever you decide, just make sure you don’t settle for someone who is not ALL IN. You deserve to have that, but you have to believe it first. It’s all about self-respect. Be strong. And all the best.

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