So you want to date an older man? Okay. But first, let’s not confuse this with dating an old man. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’re on your own.
We think the best way to approach this topic is breaking it down by relative age.
If you’re under the legal age—which means you’re in high school— you should not be dating an older guy…period. Most freshman and sophomore boys are harmless enough because they are paralyzed by breasts, walking around like zombies carrying their books in front of their privates hiding what’s obvious to everyone around them. But junior and senior guys are more savvy. Their confidence is attractive to you, but that’s why you need to stay far away. They are like just born nomadic vampires with hypnotic powers they can’t control. You might think you’re mature enough to handle them but you’re not. These guys, no matter how cool they seem, are interested in you for one thing, and we hope you’re at least old enough to guess what that is.
Once you’re in college, the game changes, but that doesn’t mean you’re still better off with someone at least close to your age. Especially be wary of your professor that seems a bit too hip, a bit too accessible, a bit too in touch with young people. His hair isn’t really a bushy mane of black hair, but a mirage of hair dye and developer. And he wears those tinted glasses to cover the dark circles under his eyes, while also allowing him free reign to scan for the most alluring co-ed he can find. And that flashy sports car? It’s nice, but he has little money left over to spend on you. Our suggestion: Best to stick with the geeky science major in the adjacent dorm.
Once you’re out of college and comfortably ensconced in your twenties, dating an older guy might not be a bad thing. Guys take a while to mature, and they lag considerably behind women in emotional maturity by five, maybe ten years. So feel free to trade up. But be careful once again. If he’s more than ten years older than you, he’s likely not looking for “The One.” More like Some One. Or anyone.
Once you’re in your thirties and beyond, it’s all good. Older guys will likely appreciate you for some of your more refined qualities. Your ability to have an intelligent conversation will be just as sexy as a low cut blouse, and it will be refreshing to you to actually have someone look you in the eyes while you’re talking.
If you’ve recently retired and are in your golden years, ignore what we said earlier. It’s likely there won’t be very many older guys around, since most of them will have met their great maker, now sitting around a heavenly poker table playing cards for eternity. In that case an old guy will do just fine. However, you might be surprised if you realign your thinking. You might want to consider a younger man, since he’ll be attracted to your sophistication, and knowledge of the finer things in life. And of course it’s easier than you might think, because afterwards he’ll then be able to brag to his friends about the experience, which is half the reason guys do half of the things they do.
Until next time. This is The Guy’s Perspective.
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@Sonia.....It's hard for us to say. You know the situation better than we do. Sometimes it just helps to talk about it. Maybe he really loves you. How do you feel about him? The relationship? Do you want it?
Honestly, he won't leave. He has a good paying job but he moved in with me. We split the bills and I've told him to move. He swears he loves me and isn't giving up on us. This isn't the type of guy that has a hard time scoring with women. He has a lot going for him. Maybe he truly does care.
@Sonia......So then the question is: What do you like about this guy? From what you describe he doesn't sound like you're getting much of what you want. (He's not affectionate, plays games, immature.....) So what's the deal? Don't settle even though it's hard to meet good guys. They're out there. Just keep putting yourself out there.
Yes he's been married and divorced. His ex cheated. He has been divorced for a long time though. The issue was a comment he made about my son and no it wasn't resolved. It just seems he controlling though. He didn't get sex when he wanted so he kept it from me the next day! As far as where I meet men the last relationship i had was with someone i met who works for the samecompanys me. I was head over heels for him. We were together two years and he accused me of cheating and kicked me out. I swear I didn't cheat! My current bf is not very affectionate. He's laid off work right now and his days are spent at the gym or watching tv. The time we spend is in bed.
@Sonia....The point is that he is immature and used to having his way with women. Just because he's older doesn't mean that he's got it more together. And maybe there's a reason he's 40 and single. Has he ever been married? Kids? But what was the issue. Did you get it resolved? You might want to start there. Also, what do you mean you haven't had luck with guys? Where are you meeting them?
I am 30 years old and my boyfriend will soon be 40. Honestly, I have horrible luck with relationships and this is the first guy I've dated this much older than me. I thought I would have better luck with a more mature guy. He's a very dominant person by nature though and very stubborn. Last night we got into an argument before I went to sleep. We didn't resolve the issue instead I went to bed mad. Considering the situation we didn't have sex. Now he is withholding sex from me tonight. I'm sorry, but I think this is very immature. What is the point of it?
@Erryn....We're so sorry. Hang in there.
a sit down would have been nice. but now things have changed dramatically. he just out of nowhere told me to lose his number. then I asked why. he said "ttyl"...via text. i'm moving on. and no, we weren't exclusive. we were supposed to be working up to it. he was one of those "I'm not ready for another relationship right now" type of guys. I wanted to believe in him and he seemed so right for me and then he just started changing. I really think it's another woman. if it is, more power to the two of them. i'm numb!
@Erryn.....Nice to hear from you again. Are the two of you in an exclusive relationship? It doesn't sound like it. Fill us in. If the way he's behaving has changed towards you, then yes, you should be concerned. It's hard to say why he's acting like this, but this behavior is not acceptable even if the two of you are just dating. We doubt it has anything to do with his work, or being overworked. So you need to get to the bottom of this. It could be another woman, or he could have changed how he feels about you, or it's possible he's decided he doesn't want to be tied down and he can feel that you're starting to want that. The two of you need to have a sit down, don't you think?
Hi guys I'm back. I'm in another "relationship" and I use the term very lightly. But, things have been great.. We've been seeing each other for 4 consecutive months and I haven't really had any major concerns or issues with this guy. This one is also older, by 6 years, and has no kids or an ex wife like the last loser, who, by the way, remarried and never told me they were back together, while we were talking. But, back to the issue at hand. This new guy seemed too good to be true in the beginning. It took alot for me to trust him in the beginning because of my past situations but I just couldn't not let him in. He is sweet and it seems to come naturally...and all that good stuff. Well, here recently some things have changed with us. We just celebrated V-day together and it was nice and all. My new concern popped up about 1 week ago. This guy is starting to become distant with me. He doesn't reply to my texts..He says he always tells me to call him and that if he's busy, that I know he will call me back. But, he has gotten into the habit of ending our phone calls hella fast....even when he's just "chilling". I get "well, you have a good day" or "enjoy your day" or "ima call you right back" and he doesn't. Within the last few days, the first two times I called him, spread out over 2 days, he answered sounding really bothered by me calling. The second time on a different day, he snapped on me and rushed me off the phone. Every since then, he's not been responding to my texts to see what's wrong with him.I leave nice voicemails sounding concerned and caring, no response. I finally spoke to him today for all of 5 seconds and heard he was at work and ended the convo by telling him to call me when he gets a chance. He called back about 5 minutes later. I missed the call by 3 minutes and haven't heard from him since. I haved texted him...and called him about an hour ago. The phone went to voicemail after 4 rings, I texted him again to ask what's wrong and if I did something or whatever and he still hasn't replied. FYI my efforts of contact were split up by hours or days, except tonights last call/text. So, now that you have a little background...My question to you all is, should I be concerned? Could it be another woman? Could he be going through something? Just tired from his new job? I mean what, because it seems as though I'm being avoided.
@Elle.....If you don't get why, then we have no idea. Well, that's not totally true. He obviously is interested in some capacity, we just can't say what. Why don't you see how this plays out a bit and contact us if you have another question. Have fun.
One of my guy friends, that I recently met, drew a picture of my favorite superhero. He is an artist. I was just teasing him to draw it because he showed me a small version. I didn't expect him to take it seriously but he really did. He usually teases me when we meet and a few days ago he started texting and mostly our conversations are fun. I don't get why he's being so nice to me. Not to mention I'm 21 and he's 27. Could you please clarify his actions a bit. Thank you your opinions will be much appreciated. =)
[...] Watch our video on, “Dating older Men” [...]
@Stephanie.....Yes, you definitely need to finish school, especially now that we hear you'll be the first in your family to do so. He should be supporting that. (Hopefully he is.) If not, that's a red-flag. Sure, relationships are all about compromise, but your situation is slightly different. When it comes to your school, and some of the other things you need to do, there should be no compromise. But with the day-to-day happenings of your relationship, yes, there should be some give and take. Both of your needs are important, but still, he needs to be patient while you "catch up" to him. And he absolutely needs to be supportive. Keep us posted for sure. And spread the word about our site. Thanks and take care.
Thanks Guys, Wow.. It hadn't occurred to me that my age was a threat to him. It makes a lot of sense though. He's blurted it out before regarding going to uni, 'What if you meet someone there in class or whatever and you like each other?' Haha Guys usually I'd be running for the hills at the first sight of my man's over-the-top insecurity issues but the fact he's my first 'everything' covers it up I think, because I'm still here! I get what y'all are saying but still can't pin down why the way I show my love for him isn't enough to calm him down. Anyway I guess thats a mystery that will never be solved. I definitely won't give up my dreams of being the first in my family to receive a degree!! I've also spoken to a relative about this and she believes he shouldn't rush me but on another note, he has his needs too and his age explains a lot, so perhaps reaching a comprise might be the best way? I think that's the way to go Guys, but making sure I'm aware if the 'fairness-line' is crossed... I can't let myself be swept off my feet and blindly believe everything he says in the name of love, like i have been up til now. I'll keep y'all posted you've been really cool! Take care
@Stephanie......Worried, no...concerned, possibly. The reason he's rushing you is he's trying to lock you down; an engagement means a serious commitment, which would then make him feel more in control. Once again, this is a life stage issue. Your age feels like a threat to him. In his heart he knows you need to explore, and experience what you need to experience, but he feels if you do that you might realize that what you have with him isn't right for you. This is certainly something to consider, and we've hinted at it before. If you sacrifice your schooling, or socializing, or traveling, or anything that you want to do, in order to jump into an "insta-family" with him you're going to regret it down the road. Trust us, you will. Timing is just as important as love in relationships. We know you feel strongly for this man, but right now the timing is off. With all that you're saying to us, we really think you need to slow this down and take a hard look at everything that's going on. You're already missing some of your college/uni experience by dating this guy. And while we know you care for him, we're telling you honestly that rushing or forcing this is going to lead to regret. If he's not willing to wait until you're ready, then maybe this is more about a replacement person rather than you. Either way, we think you need to focus on finishing school and then think about the future. Just our two cents. Ultimately this is your decision. Questions?
Guys thanks for the reply, I completely agree, I don't think he was prepared for a relationship with someone younger and I seem to have gotten used to our differences easier than he. I've left him once before, when I met his son for the first time, it was a huge shock and I ran. So for him not to want a repeat, I get it. But since then I've given him so much, he should feel secure enough to open up knowing I won't leave. Anyway, this week has been really crazy we've been arguing a lot about important issues. He is very recently divorced and since we met has been talking about remarrying and wanting to start a life with someone else which is great. We're in love and I see myself marrying him, but he seems so rushed. He's pushing me to agree to get engaged next year (my 3rd yr of uni) which at this stage I don't feel ready for. I'm a student, I don't have a dollar to my name, and i've always imagined an engagement to be after the couple is ready and both have done what they've needed to do in their own lives. I'm not travelling with friends, I work part time and don't have an exceptionally amazing social life that I'd miss. All I've got left to call my own is my degree that I'll receive after two more years. I'd be comfortable getting engaged in my 4th year of study, I'd have more savings, almost finished my studies and most importantly we'd know each other better. He is adamant we engage next year and I don't know why. He's just divorced doesn't he want to take it easy?! What does his rush mean? I'm flattered and so happy my man wants this with me but I can't help but feel its part of another agenda, he gets really riled up when I say I'd prefer waiting a bit, like as if he's wasting his time of we take too long to marry. His age may be part of the issue but it's like getting engaged is a chore to me, its no longer exciting as he's forcing it too much. Should I be worried about his attitude or does he just wanna wife me?
@Stephanie.....It's not you. Many guys are like this. Not all, but many. There are several things going on for him when he shuts you out. 1. He doesn't feel like dredging up the past because to him it's not important to his relationship with you. But of course he's discounting how important it is to you. Why? Because he doesn't understand that women want to know every detail even if they know those details might bother them. 2. He's trying to protect you. He doesn't want you to be hurt unnecessarily. 3. He feels if he tells you too much, you'll get scared, and start second guessing the relationship. He doesn't want to give any reason to leave. Once again he doesn't realize he's actually doing "damage" by not sharing with you. We think it's a combination of all three of these thought processes, and that's why he shuts you out. There is a 4rth reason. Many guys hate talking about feelings, and emotions in general. Maybe it's a combination of all four. Last note: He needs to realize he's dating a younger woman, who needs to know more. And it's only fair. You're at different life stages, like we said before. He has to work with you on this. You're definitely working with him, and trying to understand his life. Keep us posted. Thoughts?
Hey guys, My question is about my boyfriend, who's 7 yrs my senior do I thought I'd post here! Basically, I wanted your opinion on why guys tend to avoid touchy subject even when in a relationship.. Is it too much to handle? Do they feel pressured or threatened? I posted earlier about my bf hiding me from family as you might remember, and how his involvement with his ex wife and feeling like second fiddle was making me uncomfortable. Well I actually brought up my feelings last night while watching a movie. I casually laughed and said 'what that girl said is actually exactly how I feel about your ex wife being at the family reunion. I realize now it's not about the fact I wasn't there to meet your sister, its the fact that she was there and I wasn't and that she knows your family in a way that I don't yet' - and he looked really stunned as if he never imagined I'd feel that way. He said 'whaaaat? Why would you even think that.. I didn't even open up to her much during the marriage it's not like she knows me better than you do' .. And that was that. I know him well enough to know his expressions when he's not open to talk about touchy subjects like that, so I left it, as usual, so as to not cause an argument or seem naggy. But I'm dying to know.. What I want to know, and what I'm battling inside my head with, is wheather he avoids sharing more so I won't get hurt, or if he doesn't want to discuss his past with me, or something else? He reacts like this whenever I bring up a sensitive topic, although we've been dating for 1.5 yrs and are close with eachother. What does it mean when a man shuts you out? I understand his past is over and his ex and his 2yr old son should be none of my business.. But I can't help feeling terribly curious about these aspects of his life - most likely because of my own inexperience. I'd like some clarification on why he shuts himself off about weird topics, if it's me or guys in general. He's 30, id expect he would be more comfortable with himself or opening up, especially knowing I love him and would never judge. Thanks! Take care
@Breezy...We did see this comment. And we responded HERE.
Hi Guys! I found out why "he" is doing the pull back (or has completely pulled out of the relationship with no hope for my having a second chance). A mutual friend mentioned to me that they are friends on a level that none of our other friends are aware of. It isn't sexual--he feels very comfortable sharing some things with her. "She" told me the other day that she still thinks he has feelings for me but that "he" mentioned I "freaked him out" by getting too close too soon. Thing is, I'm perfectly content being the "cool girl" that he can hang out with to see if things can evolve. I thought it was all the other crap that was going on--now, I find out it's the "normal" issue of one person getting too close too soon. So, do I continue on my quest of letting it go? My gut keeps telling me that there's more to this. I know what you told me, but I just keep getting this nagging feeling, and that's after I'm already aware that I have a date lined up with another person. I'm not putting all my eggs in "his" basket but just can't seem to get past this. There has been no contact for 3 weeks, except for our weekly group event. Do men give women another chance at a new relationship, if they see her living her life, not contacting them and hounding them for answers, and realize that maybe they jumped out of the relationship too soon?
@Ann....Thanks for the info. Okay. Some couples make it official after a few weeks. Usually when you know, you know. You know? It sounds like you're in a booty call situation. He's getting everything he wants, but you're not getting what you want. It's time to have that discussion, otherwise this is going to continue in perpetuity. It's hard to say how he'll react, but if he gets upset, or says you're pressuring him, then you know he's not really ever going to be serious about you. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.
23 and 29. I known him for two years but we been dating for a year.
@Ann.....How old are you both? (Just curious. Helps us give you a better answer.) Two years is a long time to "date" without it being official. Let us know your ages and we'll give you a more accurate answer.
Hi, so I known this guy for almost two years. We are 6 years apart. Right now we have been dating for a year. How long are you suppose to date someone before they make it official?I think dating someone for a year is to long. It's either you want to be with them or not? How much longer do you think i shell give him to make it official. Every time i ask he always says soon but it never happens.Also we are only dating but he been saying he is starting to love me. How can u start loving someone if your not even officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
[...] Dating Older Men [...]
@Savannah....What do you mean? Did we say that?
Okay, and also why would HE be the one coming back to me?
@Savannah.....We're sorry this is so upsetting for you. Hang in there. First of all you should check out our video on "Dating Older Men." Maybe even our video on "Friends with Benefits." Your situation is why we don't like to see Freshman and Sophomore girls "date" Junior or Senior boys. Older boys have one thing on their mind. (Trust us) And it's not what you have on your mind. This guy is no different. That's why he's not talking to you anymore. He's moved on, and trying to get with some other girls. Try not to feel badly. You're not alone in this. This kind of situation happens all of the time. The best thing you can do is urge your friends not to get involved with some of the older guys at your school, and then find a nice guy your age. Hope this helps a little. Your thoughts? ps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hi my name is savannah and i have a dilemma. Last year i was a freshman and the guy i was interested was a senior. I messaged him on facebook and right away we both became unsepartable. The next day after texting we met up in the halls and walked around and it was quite we talked for a month and hung out 4 times but we never hued. He then started to talk to another girl and i was heartbroken. Later on he told me things would be different if we were the same age and i was just a bitch and thought that was the end. Two months later i saw him and hetexted me to hu with his friend but i refused i said i wanted to get with him, eventually we met up and talked to eachother for the first time in months. The next morning he texted me and asked me why i liked him so much, then we kept texting he asked to hang out but he came home too late and i wasnt able to go out. we stopped talking for weeks until christmas i texted him saying merry christmas what u get he got a mac then i asked to vc turns out we vced from 10pm until 3am and did not get bored of eachother we then hung out jan 1st and hued for the first time it was perfect and when i got home he texted me saying great night:) huing up lasted from decemeber to april i lost my vcard to him, one day i asked him to hang out he asked why i wanted to hang out and i said bc i wnt to? and he said something tht ticked me off and i said fuckyourself and he said only for you babe and then we fought and he told me i deserved better then him then i told him i was happy with what i had he said i shouldnt settle for less, then i said guess were done he said i want to see you one last time and kept insisting until he understood i did not want to see him he kept asking what he could do to make me feel better and i said he was the problem, last thing he said "your beautiful, you try so hard to make other people happy and i luh you be a good girl" i said k then i responded back and said he was the worst thing that ever happened to me and that i hated him and wish it never happen! ed he sa id "im sorry i never mean to do harm to anyone im a softy at heart" and it all ended there. He never told his friends about us so it kinda upset me but he did tell one but that one tryed hitting on me... what does all this mean did he ever have feelings for me or not?! we havent spoken for almost two months. But wait! he did tell his other best friend his age about us and got jelous bc my brother told his friend i thought he was attractive and he said "i dont feel special anymore you think garrets hot too" why doesnt he want to talk to me anymore?
[...] saying that your compatibility on a base level is not there. (Please watch our video on, “Dating older Men.” it might help shed some light on your [...]
[...] Check out our video on Dating Older Men. [...]
[...] Check out our video: Dating older men [...]
[...] GUYS in their twenties are slightly different, but still resemble their younger selves. However as their brains catch up to their bodies, things settle down a bit. That’s why we tell our younger clients to be patient. Things will change. GUYS mature….eventually! And with that maturity brings a bit more clarity and more subjectivity in terms of looks. The one thing we hope you won’t do is get too fed up with boys your own age and try to date someone a lot older. That’s never a good thing. Sure the OLDER GUYS seem more confident and interesting, which IS attractive. But at your age, dating someone even three years older is not something we recommend. Why? Because GUYS are still GUYS. We wish we were more responsible, but unfortunately we might not be. (Watch video on Dating Older Men.) [...]
[...] Now let’s address your question about your age difference. We’re guessing it’s around a 12 year difference? Is that about right? He’s probably 39 and you’re 27. (How’s our guess?) If this is the age difference then this doesn’t really fall into the category of dating an older guy. If you were in your early twenties that would be a big difference. But since you’re in your late twenties you’ve experienced life without him. You’ve probably been out in the working world, and probably have dated other men. Concerns about dating an older guy come when there’s a striking difference between experience—usually when the difference is creeping towards 20 years—which throws off the power balance. If you find him trying to “educate” you and treating you like a young girl rather than an equal, now or in the future, that might be a concern and a red flag. But otherwise, no. (Watch our video on the topic: Dating Older Men) [...]
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[...] Dating Older Men [...]
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[...] Dating Older Men [...]
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[...] Dating Older Men [...]
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I married an older man--he is one month minus one day older. It works for me! Love the video, Sae!!
"paralyzed by breasts" Hahahahaha! I'm doing this all wrong. Once I hit 30 I went for younger guys. In the case of my ex-husband I should have waited ten years before attempting that. My fiance is 4 years younger....still sweet and hot...just more grown up. LOL