Relationship Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Getting Played-Trust your Gut
Posted by rddesigns on June 22nd, 2011and was filed in getting played, guys, relationships, sex, Videos with 24 responses, what do you think?
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THE GUYS
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Read the script:
We get lots of questions each week on our website. We answer them on the Ask the Guys page, on our podcast, The Guy’s Perspective Podcast on itunes, and soon to be on videos. One of the main questions we get is, “am I getting played?”
Our basic rule is, If you think you’re getting played, it’s likely you’re getting played…….
We believe you need to listen to your gut. It’s telling you something, like it does after you pig out on ice cream and truffles waiting for him to call. He doesn’t call. Unfortunately, he’s out with the cute twins down the street. But those five scoops of double fudge chocolate do taste pretty good going down, but not so good after the hours at the gym required to restore your natural order, although it is nice to catch up on those daytime soaps you missed.
If you’re still fighting your gut, open your eyes and be your own detective. Not a stalker……Not a stalker….. Here are some things to look for.
Does your guy go unaccounted for….hours at a time….or even days?
Is he taking trips with the guys to places like Vegas or Miami Beach, saying he’s going to play the slots, hang with his boys, and just chill? “Chill”
He won’t let you come to his house will he? (no entrance sign) Only meets you at yours. Or at the local dive. Hey, you’re cool. You can hang with the regulars..but not his friends.
What, you haven’t met his friends?
Seriously. You haven’t met his friends?
Is he too busy at work to call you? He only texts you doesn’t he. He won’t friend you on Facebook. Says he’s never on there anyway. Tell that to his two thousand contacts.
Probably forgets about your dates occasionally. Then apologizes profusely. But does it again. And again.
Doesn’t matter. He never has enough money to pay the tab anyway. That’s when he even takes you out. What you don’t like his pirated video collection?
He’s out of town for work a lot isn’t he? But you never seem to get all the details. Just some new embroidered towels and a pack of exotic matches, which he keeps borrowing from you when he stinks up your bathroom….after he shows up around midnight just to “hang out.”
You get the picture. You do get the picture don’t you?
So open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. What’s that? No, sorry you can’t go through his phone. You can’t go through his computer. Remember, you’re not a stalker.
Are you seriously thinking about going through his emails? Stop! You can’t do that. Think about what you’re contemplating. And what are you going to do with the evidence? You can’t use it to fix your relationship. Well, I guess you could use it to expose him on Facebook. Hmmm….that might be useful after all. And he’ll never find out, since he’s never on there anyway.
But really, if you’re contemplating this line of action don’t you think things have already reached the point of no return…like agreeing to a threesome, only to have him fall for number three?
Is this really a relationship you’ve got going? Or some kind of farce…. like an election that needs a recount. Or lip synching. Or some dog that ends in doodle. If you won’t believe your gut then at least believe your friends. They know better than you. But we’ll save that for next time.
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And until next time. Keep those eyes open.
Tagged with: dating advice • Dating answers • getting played • guy's perspective on relationships • guy's point of view on relationships • guys • listen to your friends • relationship advice • relationship answers • trust your gut
Most definitely trust your gut. I once had a guy who cheated and I would deny it to myself even thought I KNEW. All my friends knew and couldn’t stand him but it took catching him in bed with someone before I finally said, oh yeah, I was right and so were they. Save yourself some heartache and listen to your gut. You won’t regret it!!
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
Dear Guys,
I met this guy the first week of freshman year in college, which was last year. We really hit it off and were continually seeing each other probably every other day for almost two months. Then, unfortunately, things got crummy. He decided to do a drug at a concert, didn’t tell me, we got separated and he hooked up with a different girl. He told me when I asked him the next day. I was upset because I found that I had strong feelings for him and that I wanted a relationship with him. However, his continued drug use and the fact that I felt he was unreliable resulted in us drifting apart. I’d come from a background in which hooking up wasn’t a thing. We didn’t “date” then, but then again we did. We never had a label so there was no real breaking up or anything.
The next semester, I didn’t see him for a long time because of studies abroad. However, we did end up hooking up twice before the year ended (we have never had sex by the way). The first time, he told (we were both drunk) he wanted to be good for me, he wanted to be my boyfriend, etc. However, when we talked the next day, he said he couldn’t because he had “shit” in his life he had to figure out first (the truth: he’d begun to not only use but deal) and that he was going abroad in the summer, implying that he didn’t want a long distance relationship. The second hook-up was just, well, a hook up.
In the late summer, I received a text from him because he was visiting a friend at a different university and had remembered me telling him long ago that my best friend also went there. He had wanted to know her last name to try to meet her. I was surprised to hear from him; I’d deleted his number because of the disappointment involving him from before. When we got back to school, we’d end up hanging out sometimes in the same groups of friends, or we’d sometimes run into each other and catch up. He’d always make a point to sit down and talk with me, and I still got butterflies and blushes, though I’d try to avoid him because I knew my feelings for him were still there and shouldn’t be.
We did end up hanging out late one night and he brought up last year and us. We talked, nervously, about how things had been disappointing, and we parted with him asking to hang out. After that, we hung out and hooked up the next day and the day after that and the day after that. We spent as much time as we could together, then the school had a short break and he was flying home. He said he wanted to hang out as soon as he got back.
When break ended, I’d hoped to get a text or call but received none. I sent one eventually, and when I didn’t hear from him, I felt pretty dissed and angry. For around 6 weeks after that, before winter break, we both gave each other very mixed signals but there was really no communication between us. Finally, I sent him a facebook message about how confused I was and how I felt it not fair that he simply disappeared. I didn’t get an answer for two days, but we ran into each other on campus and he asked if I had time to hang out.
It was very easy to hang out and nice: at first, we were both nervous but we ended up talking for a long time. However, I feel like an idiot: neither of us mentioned the message. I noticed he had a new phone and he told me about one of his nights–the night I’d texted him and hadn’t gotten a response–and how bad it had been. He came over again in the afternoon of the following day, but my roommate was in and we didn’t have a private moment so once more, I failed in bringing it up. However, I did find it interesting that he mentioned that he’d heard that I’d tried drugs, that he hoped I was doing so responsibly, and he made it a point to let me know that he’d stopped drug use this year. The next day I was flying home for winter break. We caught up a last time that day, briefly, as I was busy. He had told me earlier this year that he is going abroad this next semester so I knew I wouldn’t see him for a long time (a time that feels infinitely long). He said we should skype sometime and then I had to leave.
Now winter break is coming to an end and he texted me to say merry christmas and I texted him to say happy new years. That’s about it. I want to talk to him because it’s true-I’ve spent time with a lot of guys and there’s not one that I like more. He’s confused me and made me feel pretty bad at times, but he’s also made me the happiest at other times. I’m in deep and it sucks to be so confused–there’s not a day gone by since meeting him that I haven’t thought about him. I hate that. I want answers, because I feel I will never move on unless I have a clear refusal. I need that, or I’ll keep wanting or worse, waiting to be with him. What can I do?
Thanks,
Clare
@Clare…..Part of the problem with this guy is his age. He was probably around 18 when you met him. Most guys at that age are about experimentation. We’re not talking about drugs and women—although sometimes those factor into the equation—we’re talking more about figuring out who they are or who they want to be. Meeting a guy during this time can be a frustrating experience, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. Yes, it seems he likes you, but he’s nowhere near ready to do anything about it. One day he might get on board with you, or at the same time, he might not ever get on board with a relationship with you. The problem is, this process of experimentation can take a few years, or it can take twenty, or sometimes longer. Usually around their late 20s, early 30s, guys start to figure it all out, but that’s just an average number. So what do you do? If you want a definitive answer you’re going to have to lay it all on the line, although the fact that he keeps traveling abroad isn’t going to help your cause. It’s likely this is just going to continue to be frustrating for you until you’ve had enough.
Remember Clare, that you also met this guy at a very impressionable age. Memories of the first college love can be quite strong and quite lasting. We’d suggest that you continue to put yourself out there in the dating world. Because our sense is the memory of the good times is outweighing all the angst this guy has caused you.
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
[...] Getting Played – Trust your Gut [...]
Dear Guys,
In early December, I went to a club with my friend. She had been talking up this guy – who she later hooked up with that night. I met her boy’s best friend (Ben) when we were leaving the club. I added Ben on FB and we enjoyed “talking [smack]” to each other. His work schedule fluctuates from night and day shifts, so we didn’t see each other until New Year’s Eve.
On NYE, we ended up staying with each other down town until 5AM. I hung out with him after he got off of work and we had fun: cuddling, kissing, watching TV, and doing other things. Some drama came along from other girls and he talked to them and said that he wasn’t trying to “[just have sex with me]“.
We have done the “do” a couple of times and we talk almost everyday. We’re both moving so we don’t want a relationship, but I also don’t want to feel like an option. With that being said, I’ve met some of his friends. He’s taken me to dinner with them, paid for me, and all that good stuff.
As of now, he told me that he probably won’t see me in June because his best friends are coming to visit him. One of these friends consists of his, who I believe is, ex-fiance. I’m starting to feel like a rebound.
I realize that we will not date – nor do I want to. I just have no idea how to categorize what we are and the last time I tried to talk about it with him, it wasn’t a very good time… so we left it that.
I’d appreciate your feedback.
-Sarah
@Sarah……The fact that you want to put some categorization on this relationship should tell you that maybe you’re not completely comfortable being in a “casual sex” relationship. Some might say “booty call” but that type of arrangement revolves around the bedroom only. Your situation is more than a “booty call” because the two of you do go out and you’ve met his friends etc. But clearly he doesn’t want to get serious, or even have a conversation about the topic. So what do you want Sarah? You say you don’t want to date, so what is it? That’s the real question here. We realize that you’re both moving, but sometimes life gets in the way of our plans. If you really think you have something special, or even nice here, it might be worth giving this some more thought. And if you come to the conclusion that maybe you do want something more then you need to talk with him. If he continues to resist, then maybe you have your answer after all. Good luck.
Ok, so this guy who I liked for a long time goes to my church (he’s 18 and I’m 16). We went on a trip together, and after flirting with me a lot, he found out I was interested in him, and about two weeks later he kissed me. Then he completely ignored me for two weeks. When he finally talked to me again, he told me he wasn’t gonna go to a party I was throwing. But then he started flirting with me again. When I flat out asked if he liked me, he said he used to but not anymore. So then I stopped flirting with him. That all went down about 2 months ago and yesterday he texted me after not talking to me except once or twice to flirt and be super sweet. He said we should meet and hook up. But I wouldn’t really agree (even though I definitely wanted to). Ahhhh!!! Is he just a jerk? Help me please.
@Maddy…….We don’t know the guy, but his actions certainly lead us to believe he’s not someone to be trusted. To be fair, 18 year old guys are kind of clueless when it comes to really understanding what they want. Also, typically their hormones are out of control. But we’re still glad you didn’t agree with his suggestion even if you’re attracted to him. He’s not in it for more than a hook up. We’d suggest keeping your eyes open for a nice guy who really cares about you. They are out there!
Hi Guys,
Ok, so here’s my question. I met plenty of guys and have let myself get played in the past (yes, I am aware that I was part of the problem), but I don’t want to anymore. However, the really nice part of me wants to give everyone a chance while the admittedly jaded part of me is ready to tell them all to f*** off. How do I weed out the players from the good guys? Clearly, some are more obvious than others. It’s the “others” that are the problem – they put in a whole bunch of effort and make it seem like they’re really interested, until you find out they’re not. How do I keep them at a safe/probabtionary distance without making them feel like I’m playing games?
@Emma……(We’re assuming you’re in your 20s or 30s. Is that right? Otherwise we might answer differently) The first thing that comes to mind is that maybe you’re picking the same kind of guys without even realizing it. Maybe start by trying to meet guys in some new places. A class? Through a friend? A dating night run by some legit organization where you know the guys are there to actually meet someone they want to be in a relationship with. Weeding out BEFORE you actually date is easier actually then trying to figure out the psychology behind the guy’s behavior who you’re already dating. If that makes any sense? Because it’s hard for us to know about the guy’s intentions without really seeing him in action. Questions to consider: Does he treat other people as nicely as he treats you? Does he introduce you to his family? Does he take you out on proper dates? Does he have friends? Is he still into drinking and going out to bars? What stage he is in his life is also a way to weed out guys. If he’s still in the party stage you’re probably in for a long haul. Based on how old you are, you could try dating an older guy. (Not too much older. Watch our video on the topic. Video page) Guys take a while to mature. Usually by their late 20s they start to calm down a bit, but there are guys who never progress beyond the bachelor stage. The last thing is you could always ask them directly. How serious are you? Etc. Yeah, that might scare some away, but it won’t scare the more serious guys away, only the ones you’ve had no luck with anyway. These are questions that can be asked even after a month or so based on how fast things are progressing. And finally, sometimes guys don’t really know how they feel until AFTER they have sex. Yes, unfortunate, but it is true. But once again, the more serious guys will be willing to work on all aspects of the relationship including the physical part. Hope this helps.
Dear Guys;
I have been on a few dates with this guy I met online (approximately a month). We seemed to be hitting it off, other than he seems to be taking it really slowly (he only kissed me for the first time last week). I was supposed to go to his apartment, for the first time, to hang out yesterday and I got a text in the morning saying he is really sick. I outright told him that if he isn’t interested/ things have changed that he can just say so and doesn’t need to make an excuse (probably not the best move). He says he’s interested and can’t wait to see me again etc. etc. But I see him online, and I can’t shake this feeling that I’m being played. Am I right?
@Megan…….It’s way too early to be wondering whether or not you’re getting played. You’ve dated a few times, haven’t had sex, and it all seems to be going pretty well. We don’t see a problem right now. Maybe he was really sick? Don’t let your insecurities or worries creep into this. At this point you have to take him at his word until he proves that he’s not trustworthy. But frankly, he doesn’t owe you anything at this point. You’re still getting to know each other. He has his life and you have yours. Down the road if you decide to be an official couple, well then certainly the “rules” change at that time. Keep us posted and feel free to ask a follow up question anytime. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice. Things got better for awhile, official (at his prompting), sex, etc., but some gut feeling was nagging me and I brought it up. Turns out “something” was missing. So that’s that.
@Megan….We’re sorry. Time to move forward. Take care.