The Guy’s Perspective

Private Talk

Note from THE GUYS: This truly is private talk, which means this essay goes beyond our usual PG/PG-13 rating on this site. You were “warned.” Enjoy!

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“PRIVATE TALK” by Sabrina Jennings

Men are fascinating creatures.  I’ve been trying to ‘figure’ them out, or at least do my best at understanding their mentality for years.  I’m aware that I will never be absolute with that accomplishment since I am never going to be one myself, but I like to pat myself on the back for being pretty damn insightful regardless.

I slowly built close friendships with the opposite sex as a young teen, and thankfully blossomed into a tell-it-like-it-is smart ass by the time my high school diploma was in grasp. Now, I am sure to relate to any gentlemen I meet my honesty policy; I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not, because if any woman is going to be truthful about what you’re doing is wrong/stupid/etc, it’s going to be me. Life is too damn short to let things slide that shouldn’t. Don’t confuse me with being a Manhater, I’ve been called that more times than I can count. Even one of my greatest, longtime friends Caleb referred to me as a bitch when he first met me. My sharp tongue can get under the nerves easier than most, I get it. But if I hated men like some assume, I wouldn’t bother dating, sleeping, or making friends with any of ‘em.

Duh.

I write about the unacceptable behaviors of men I encounter not the man himself, there is a difference. I am up front about what I write for a living, and it is solely the guys’ choice to continue seeing me or not.  All he has to do is not do any act deemed asshole worthy that I would bring to others attention/warn other women about, and he’ll be solid.  Surprisingly to the majority I’ve warned, they still haven’t grasped the concept and act out as tools anyway. Not my fault. I am free to write and speak the truth as I mull through my dating journey to find my lobster (old F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference here).

With that set in place, being around testosterone enough as I have, it has been easy to pick up on mans’ greatest topic of joy that duplicates as his biggest insecurity; his penis. A guy simply can’t tell one  joke and let it lie, he’s got to build a vocabulary world around his dick, and usually just to compete with other males around him for best junk of all. It’s amusing to me that they seem to have this idea that a woman will care as much as they do. Yoko Ono once said, “I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.” Not to be the killjoy of every mans’ hopes and dreams here, but Yoko had a point. Why bring attention to something out of your physical control? Women do not see your package the way you do at all. In order to shed some light on the subject, I’m going to address the key points that men seem to continue getting wrong or have confused beliefs in….

The Look and Size

You’re all so sure that a woman wants her man to be packing a third leg in order to be satisfied.  Um, no. Statistics have shown that the erect penis size of most men — 68 percent — is between 4.6 and 6 inches long. About 16 percent of men have an erect penis size longer than 6.1 inches, and of those only 2.5 percent are over 6.9 inches. The rest of the group are the shorties that every man fears being part of. So rest assured, all of you guys who insist that you’re bigger than your counterpart, the odds are against you, and women already know that. It’s not even an appealing part of the body to look at. Sorry, but that’s the truth, even if you’re wrestling with anaconda stature down there, we don’t see your offering as an attractive piece at all. We enjoy what it feels like, and that’s only if you know how to work with what you’ve got. Length to regular standards is just fine, girth can really be helpful if you come up short in that arena, and too little/too big are gravely disappointing. How can too big be disappointing? A woman doesn’t want to feel like her insides are getting pummeled fight club style every time you get busy, and she sure as hell doesn’t want to endure the uncomfortable gag/choking reflex when oral sex comes into play, which brings me to point number two….

Fellatio Boundaries

What happens when a guy spends countless hours over the years watching smutty porn as example of what to expect in the real world? He will bring it to the bedroom and cause quite the humorous commotion with the lady in question. Girls in porn are acting, everyone knows that, but in order for men to get off from it, they convince themselves that she means every moan and groan, and the way oral is portrayed is how all women do it. The idea is so laughable that I can’t stand it!  Remember what I said about your staff not being pretty? Privates on both sexes are not eye candy, so the eagerness to get our mouths all over it that the C class of Hollywood wants you to believe is a joke.  Like I explained to one of my guy friends the other day who I had a penis conversation with that inspired this post, a woman can truly enjoy satisfying her mans’ member with her mouth, but only if the love she has for him is real. There are women who will fake it like Jenna Jameson because they think they have to in order to win over a new guy, and there are women who simply won’t go there for personal hygienic reasons. Life is a crap shoot when it comes to sexual compatibility. You can’t ever expect it’s alright to unleash your tonsil tickler in a forceful face-fuck manner either without discussing your desire to first. That’s a move way too many men make the mistake of doing.  Just like….

Backdoor Surprise

The taboo talk of anal sex is bound to be addressed in most relationships. Every man has heard the positives of it being a tighter destination for his meat to travel (which is true, because it’s mainly used as an exit and rarely sees entry, duh), and most will sweet talk/convince/plea with their woman to allow them to try it at least once. Women who have yet to cross into that realm have thought about it as well….just like the women who find it just as enjoyable as vaginal penetration, and the women who find it to be one of the most disgusting and painful experiences they have ever endured. Just like with the rules of fellatio, there are stipulations when it comes to dancing the chocolate cha cha. You can never just ‘slip it in by accident’ (why men think this lame fake excuse will always fly is beyond me), there must always be a great deal of lubrication (not spit, Vaseline, or whatever crazy sub you have on hand because you’re that desperate to get it), and you’ve got to take it slow. My counter to being asked for taking part in this act has often been, “I will accept, as long as you take it too.” Maybe it’s a cheap shot since most men want to give and not receive in this arena, but one guy did oblige, so you try and tell me that it’s not a big deal. It can be pleasurable, or it can be a hot, uncomfortable mess.  It all comes down to who you’re partaking in the act with.

Cell Phone/Online Penis Spreads

Who was the woman to first receive a mans’ dick via text or online messaging and told them it was scrumptious? Why do men think that taking the time to lose the pants and give their ween its’ own photo shoot in the best lighting (you hope) will have the ladies come running like dogs in heat? Do you know the vulnerable state you put yourselves in by making such a ridiculous choice? You run the risk of her not only laughing at the media received, it also gives her the ability to forward Mr. Winky to anyone on her phones contact list, or on the internet to be a permanent addition to a Penis Fail forum.  Yes, men love a woman who will dish out a topless picture for their own personal viewing.  Boobies are fun. Why a guy will think we want the favor returned with a dickshot is confusing at best. I have never been in favor of this presumptuous act, and I am positive in saying that most, if not all women agree with me on this one. It’s pervy and unnecessary at best. If you want to keep your dignity in check, refrain from making the dreaded decision of sharing your wanker with the world.  All it takes is one woman appalled or scorned, and you’re screwed.

Sabrina Jennings contributes work and advice here: http://www.yourtango.com/users/sabrinajennings Twitter: @SoSabby

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The expectations of Valentine’s Day from a Guy’s Perspective

Next Up:

Private Talk by Sabrina Jennings

Women and Sex by Isabel

“The expectations of Valentine’s Day from a Guy’s Perspective” by Saelen Ghose  Twitter: @saelenghose 

I’m not a fan of expectations. Because I know that expectations are always accompanied by inevitable disappointment. And for me, Valentine’s Day falls clearly into the camp of expectations, a place where I know I can’t win. In fact for guys in general, there’s no winning on the day of the cupid, because there will always be some guy who just has to up the ante and fly his partner for a special night in NYC, or to some tropical isle, or pull out all the stops with rose petals and bubble massages, or organic chocolate instead of the kind you get at the local pharmacy. And then there’s always the guy who just has to propose on this day with a diamond the size of one of Mike Tyson’s gold teeth. But the worst part about the day is that I don’t like being “told” what to do, or made to feel that February 14th is a day of special significance above all others, a day where I show my undying love with the rest of the card carrying schmucks, husbands, and boyfriends who buy into the whole charade.

But I try. And I guess I must get points for that, because my wife always seems content with whatever I do, which really is pretty basic. Flowers. Chocolate. Her favorite take out food. Or a night out at our favorite restaurant—using coupons of course. And if we still have enough energy after putting the kids to bed, maybe a little rendezvous in the hay.

But the thing is, we can do that on any day. February 17th, April 12th, July 1st, September 22 are no different for us than February 14rth. And on days when there are no expectations anything can happen. It’s on those days—tabala rasa—where the real magic happens. An afternoon playing hooky from work to take a long walk in the woods can lead to a quiet appreciation of your partner. A friday night in the cheap hotel a mile from the house might just bring out a side in you, or better still, a side of your partner you only hoped was there. (As long as you can get the grandparents to babysit.) A surprise lunch at work perhaps shows your partner that you’re thinking of her beyond the bedroom. And a “Get out of Parenting” card where your partner can sit around and watch her favorite shows while you do the nighttime kid routine can lead to the other “Nighttime Routine.” (Except this time it’s not routine.)

And frankly, I perform much better when I don’t have the eyes of the world watching my back; and when I don’t have to compare tales by the water cooler the next day, like I compare summer vacations with other parents while attending Back to School Night and other fall functions. Somehow my “little” trip to California or Cape Cod—which I thought was amazing, and actually was—always seems to get dwarfed by somebody’s trip to the vineyards of France or the ancient ruins of Greece or the aquatic wonderland of the Bahamas or the rainforests of Belize. And then I’m left wondering if I even had a good time?

So I propose we change the focus of Valentine’s Day to the one day where we get to take a break from being romantic. Let’s just do the opposite as George Castanza said in the famous episode of Seinfeld. I say it should be a day where we all get to be selfish and irresponsible. It should be a day where we get to give the world “the bird.” A day where we can choose to do nothing or everything, with whomever we want or don’t want.

Because I believe that every day has the potential to be memorable and unique. Every day provides us the opportunity to be creative and show the people who are close to us how much we love them. And to me, saying “I love you” on a cold, random day in November is just as good, if not better, than giving flowers and chocolate on that “Go To” day in February.

But don’t worry, I’m too responsible to buck the trend completely. So I’ll have chocolates and flowers in tow as I do my best to follow the pack and conform. Because I do love my wife, and I also know if I ignore the day, she’ll have nothing to offer the next day in the powder room as her co-workers and friends talk about their amazing Valentine’s nights. And any reasonably intelligent guy knows that this is really what Valentine’s Day is all about.

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