Why does he talk about them so much?

Dear Guys,

My husband and I were friends for a year, then dated for about six months before we decided to get married. We’ve now been married for almost three months. While we were dating he talked about other girls he had made out with and dated ALL THE TIME. I don’t know if it was a bragging thing or just him thinking he was telling me funny stories or something. But the fact that he kept talking about them hurt. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough and he just wanted to be with any of them again. I’m not as experienced as him in the dating or hooking up world and I believe that is why I am so sensitive to it. I understand that this is more of a fault of mine because it makes me angry, but I want to understand why he brings it up so much. At one point, I asked him to stop talking about other girls so much and he had kindly followed my request. But there are still times when he will slip, or mention a story about someone he doesn’t think I know he dated. Why does he feel the need to talk about all of them so much? He even still likes their pictures on Instagram and looks them up on social media. Again, I get that I am being overly sensitive about this and that it is a ‘me’ problem, but it hurts. I just want to understand his thinking about them when he does all of this and if it means he regrets his decision to be with me.

P

Dear P,

Your question is a universal one: Is it me, or is there an actual issue that I should be concerned about?

In your case, we wish we had a bit more information. For example: When does he bring up his past? What is the context? What is the psychology behind his comments? Is there a chance he feels he needs to somehow boost himself up to show you that he’s desirable to other women? How old is he? You? Has he been in other long-term relationships? What is your dating past? Etc. Etc.

That said, we’ll do our best to address your issue.

Honestly, we don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. In fact, we think it’s inappropriate and certainly unnecessary for him to share stories of his past, especially with specific details of his dalliances with other women. At the very least it’s highly insensitive of him. So the question is why? Why does he feel the need to continue sharing his past?

We think the only way you’re going to know why is to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Clearly he hasn’t gotten the message that his words are hurtful to you. He needs to understand that he’s not helping to build a foundation of trust when he talks about other women. We’re not talking about cheating or anything like that, we’re talking trust at the fundamental level. Like: Do you trust that he has your back when he’s out in the world? Do you trust that’s he’s 100% devoted to you? And that he loves you with his whole being? And that he’d choose you each and every day no matter what life threw at you? Talking about other women, even if it’s in the past, does nothing to cement that trust.

So again, we’d suggest a conversation. And if/when you have that conversation you might want to ask him why he feels the need to talk about other women? Explain to him that you truly just want to understand where he’s coming from. And then see what he says and go from there.

What do you think?

NOTE: It’s very likely he’s going to try and put this on you. Guys are masterful at the reversal move. Don’t let him. We’ll say it again. We don’t think this is about you being overly sensitive. And this is not about your lack of experience. Hopefully this is just a case of a guy not realizing he’s hurting the woman he loves.

Good luck and take care,

THE GUYS

ps. You might want to read our ebook on Amazon. Inside your Guy’s Mind. (You can also click the link on our site.) It has a lot of good information on how guys think and why we behave the way we do. And it’s a fast and fun read. Thanks. If you do happen to pick it up, we’d appreciate a great review! It helps us move up the ladder on Amazon.

 

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