Booty Call isn’t Working for Me; How do I change it?

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Hi Guys,

I’ve been involved with this guy on and off for about eight months. We’ve known each other since high school and he even dated one of my old high school friends. ( I am no longer friends with her.) He and I ended up hooking up one drunken summer night and ended up hooking up again about a month later. I have a three year old daughter and he was distant friends with my daughter’s father. Therefore, we decided that a booty call type of situation would work best. Needless to say his ex—my old friend—ended up finding out about the hook up and she told my daughter’s father and it was a big mess. He and I cut ties with each other for about six months and ended up reconnecting the following summer. We made it clear to not tell anyone about us hooking up and we ended up hooking up a lot that summer. We would only really talk when one of us wanted sex and right when we were done we would go our separate ways. It was a typical Booty Call. Against my better judgement I kept telling him I didn’t want to just be a booty call but kept hooking up anyway and I’m sure he began to not take me seriously.

The issue is that I have started to catch feelings and I want more than to be a booty call. I don’t want a full relationship but something a bit more intimate than just sex. My question is, what should I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Do I tell him how I feel and then cut ties with him? Or just walk away completely with no explanation?

Amber

Dear Amber,

The question of how to define a relationship, and when to define it, is universal, and eventually becomes a topic for discussion with any sort of sustained relationship or arrangement. It only becomes an issue, like in your case, when the relationship has been left to run its course, with little or no communication. And what we mean by that is two-way communication. You may have told him how you feel, but no discussion has ensued.

So why is that? And how do you have that discussion?

We’ll be honest. Based on what you’ve told us, it’s likely that the two of you are not looking for the same thing from each other. If he was looking to get more serious with you, it’s likely he would have brought it up by now. And the fact that he keeps ignoring your comments about making this less of a booty call should give you an indication that he’s purposely avoiding the conversation hoping you’ll stop bringing it up.

That said, what would be the point of telling him and then immediately cutting ties? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. If you truly want something more with him, then you have to be honest with him. You have to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. We’d suggest you depart from your usual routine and have this conversation AWAY from the bedroom. (Maybe during a morning coffee or lunch?) See if you can engage him in some sort of conversation, and then sit back and listen to what he has to say. If he makes a lot of excuses, or talks of maybe something happening in the future, then you’ll have a good sense that the two of you are NOT on the same page. But who knows. Maybe he’ll surprise you? Either way, you’ll have more information to work from and then you can decide how you want to proceed.

As per your other question. Leaving now without telling him? That also seems premature. Mainly because we don’t get the sense that you’re ready to leave. Which means, if you leave now, it’s likely you’ll just fall back in with him sometime down the road. It’s time to get some answers Amber and the only way you’ll do that is by being honest with him. Yes, it’s possible this won’t go the way you hope. But don’t let fear stop you. Isn’t it better to know than to not know?

We wish you the best. Keep us posted. And let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Leave in the comments section below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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