Boyfriend has ED, but on Dating Site

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I met on a dating site. We began a committed relationship about a month after meeting (10 mos into our relationship now). About three months in, it became evident he was having ED (erectile dysfunction). Also at that time found I out he was still on the dating site. We talked about it and he deleted his profile and told me he was wrong and apologized. But seventh months later, he left his email up on my computer and I was confused when I saw an email from an online bootycall. (I thought I was in my own email.) Then realized it was his and he had viewed the email and several others and still has an active profile.

What is going on? Is this because of his ED? Good sex seems to be the only thing missing from our relationship but I can deal with that as long as I have trust. But if he’s having physical problems, then why is he on an online bootycall site?

I’m so confused. Help Please.

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

It seems that you have a pretty good understanding of what’s going on with your boyfriend. He likely feels embarrassed about his ED and probably worried that he’s not able to satisfy you. Understand that this has nothing to do with you. We don’t doubt you’re being very understanding and supportive. This is a guy thing. His ego is taking a beating here.

You might ask: Well, doesn’t it make sense for him to seek my support? Talk things through with me?

Sure, that makes sense, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. This is not because he doesn’t want to, or that you’re making it difficult. (He likely does want to.) It’s because in some unconscious way, you’re at the root of his problem. NO, he’s not blaming you, but he associates you and the problem. Does that make sense? Talking about it with you will probably make him feel even less of a man. (Yes, we know. Confusing.)

Which brings us to his current behavior. Instead of talking with you, he seeks the attention of other women to make himself feel more whole, more of a man.

Is he aware of this?

Maybe, maybe not. We don’t think he’s doing it to undermine your relationship. It sounds like he’s a bit at a loss, and unsure of what’s up or down. So his behavior is more reactive rather than insensitive or unthoughtful.

So what should you do?

Well, try to help him understand that you care about him and want the relationship to work, but that without TRUST, there is no relationship. Which means, YES, at some point you’re going to have to reveal that you know what’s going on with his online activity.

Now you ask: But won’t that end the relationship? Won’t he accuse me of snooping? Blame things on me?

Well, that is certainly possible. Which is why we can’t tell you how to proceed. (You have to do what’s comfortable for you.) That said, if he does try to flip things on you, then you’ll know that he’s not really capable of having a loving, trusting, committed relationship.

Thoughts? Reactions? Foll0w-up questions? Please leave in the comments section below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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2 Comments on Boyfriend has ED, but on Dating Site

  1. Hi Guys! Thanks so much for the response!! I talked to him about the site. He didn’t deny it. After a huge argument (due to him downplaying the significance to me and a half hearted apology), he deleted it. he said that no matter what he can say or do, I don’t trust him. He made it seem like me not trusting him is why he was on the site. Fyi…I trusted him before this and my trust is not totally gone now. I understand what you mean about seeking the attention of other women. But I genuinely compliment him all the time and NEVER put him down about the ED. I don’t know what else to do. Any ideas on how to save our relationship and approach ED talks?

  2. @Nikki……You’re welcome. Hmm……you have to understand that he’s being controlled by his ego. Him reversing things on you is his ego trying to “save face.” The point is, this has NOTHING to do with you. It’s clear you’ve been quite supportive of him and he still seems to put the blame on you. So if he’s not willing to take a hard look at his behavior, and then work with you to move past this, there’s not much you can do unfortunately. Question: Do you know if he’s had issues with ED in the past? Or is this a new development? How old did you say he was? You?
    If it’s something new, then it’s possible he’s also blaming you for that as well. (Although, in these cases, ED is often a symptom of other health issues, like possible heart, artery issues. It CAN mean the blood isn’t flowing properly, but not necessarily. (We don’t want to scare you.)

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