Readers: Have a question of your own? See below for details on how to ask.
What do you do if your new boyfriend tells you he needs to meet an ex-girlfriend to see if something is still there in order to move on with you?
He got a call from somebody he was with 12 years ago and it totally threw him off. He always wanted to be with this girl and it seems he never got over the fact that they didn’t have a chance to work out. She got married in the meantime. Has a kid. Her marriage didn’t work out and so now she’s reaching out to him. What I had/have with him is perfect! But we have only been dating for a month, although talking for three months. In addition, our relationship is long distance.
So what do you do? Do you allow him to go see her to figure out if something is still there, in order for this to be off the table for good? Or do you leave? Does he get to test the waters and then decide? I am so confused. I don’t know if I understand it or if I am just hurt beyond everything? Does he get to choose? Is it wise to put things on hold until he has figured it out? Is he a jerk for allowing her to have this power over his heart after 12 years and jeopardize what we are trying to start? What do you do in a situation like that? Do you get on a plane and fight for him or do you back up because there is nothing you can do about how he feels?
I want him and me to work out. I found out about this person by accident. He didn’t plan on telling me that he was going to see her. He was going to meet her and then either tell me or keep going with me. Should I give him the chance to figure it out or do I remove myself from the situation? If he felt the same way I feel for him, I wouldn’t jeopardize what we have started. I closed all the doors to the past after we started dating. Shouldn’t he have done that too? Why is she reaching out to him now? They had 12 years to figure out how to be together, they must love each other deeply. Not.
What is the chance of me losing him?
You’re in a tough spot. We’re sorry. We’re sure it feels like a betrayal on several levels. One, that he’s still open to her and wants to see her. Two, he hasn’t realized that you’re the only woman for him. Three, that he wasn’t going to tell you. (How exactly did you find all this information out?)
What we can say is that this happens more than you might think, with one exception. That it’s all out in the open. That’s the biggest issue we have here. That he’s keeping this all a secret.
Let’s look at it from his perspective. You’ve only been dating a month, and since it’s long distance, you’ve maybe seen him once or twice for a few days. Is that about right? He may think you’re great on many levels, and may see potential for a serious relationship, but it’s unlikely he’s in love with you just yet. However, this other woman is someone he had a long relationship with. You don’t share the circumstances of their breakup but we imagine he was hurt in the process, which was likely compounded by her marriage and baby. You might say: How could he still be open to a person like that, someone who betrayed him? And we don’t have a great answer, except that he never got closure and he wants it now.
As per what you should do? Ideally, the two of you would have a discussion about it. He’d explain his reasons and you’d listen. Then you’d say you understand that he needs to do this, and although it’s hard for you because you care about him a lot, ultimately you support him and want him to be happy. You’d stress of course that ideally you’d want him to be happy and content with you, unencumbered by her, or the memory of her. After that, you’d to sit and wait. We know, not fun. But that’s the reality of the situation.
The question remains: What are you going to do? Are you going to talk to him? If so, he may accuse you of snooping or worse. That said, his reaction will tell you much. If he loses it, or breaks things off with you, then you know that the relationship wasn’t as solid as you imagined. Hopefully, he’ll understand and try to make you feel better about it.
What we wouldn’t do is try to impose your will and demand he not see her. That’s going to backfire.
Could you lose him?
Yes. It’s possible. One way to guarantee losing him is to make him feel guilty about his decision. The other way is that he decides he still loves her. But ask yourself. Do you really want to be with a guy who is pining for another woman? We doubt it.
Last note: Once again, the red-flag for us is his secrecy. If he ends up seeing her and realizing he wants to be with you, you still need to discuss how this all went down. Remember, you’ve got to be able to trust your partner, especially in a long-distance relationship. Without it, you have nothing.
Let us know if you have any follow-up questions or comments? And please share our site with your friends. Thanks!
All the best,
Readers: If you liked what you read, and have a relationship, dating or sex question, consider asking THE GUYS. Want a guaranteed prompt and private response? Book a one- on-one email conversation with THE GUYS. Choose the Ask a Private Question option on our site. If you want more info on us or still feel unsure, read the testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page.