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So three weeks ago I discovered that my fiance was bisexual. We had been together for almost three years and had been engaged for one year. I had planned the majority of the wedding for this year, deposits had been paid and everything was going well.
In the early hours of a Friday morning a few weeks ago, I found his phone in the bathroom. (I’ve never looked through his phone before but he left it on top of the loo so I had to move it.) I saw that he had a male adult website page open. Curiosity got the best of me and so I had a scroll down. It was a porn chat site. That’s the best way I can describe it.
I thought it was spam and asked him about it. He had a deadpan face—no fear in his eyes of being caught— and he quite openly told me that he’s always been bisexual. This was news to me as he’s never told me anything about this, so as you can imagine that put me in a state of shock.
He asked me to sit down so I did—still thinking I was dreaming—and he explained that he’d been using these chat sites for the entirety of our relationship. He uses them to speak to other men and essentially discuss what they would do to each other should they meet up. At this point I felt physically sick. (I’d like to point out that I’m not homophobic in any way. I am straight though and thought he was too). He then went on to say that he used to be on three websites and had managed to get down to just the one. He said he was trying to wean himself off of them before our wedding.
I had so many questions in my head but they just wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t process this at all. He’d gone to bed the previous evening telling me he loved me and now this. The one thing that really got me is when I asked to see the messages he said NO, but that he would show me his profile picture. I was expecting it to be of him—which it was—but instead of a penis he showed me a picture of him dressed up as a woman but from behind so you couldn’t see his face.
What on earth was going on? I thought. When would I wake up from this nightmare? I told him to go to work and stay at his mums. I also told him that I couldn’t marry him and we couldn’t be together. This I was certain of. So off he went to work and I’m left in our flat hysterically crying waiting for my mum to wake up so she could make sense of it. She couldn’t either.
Naturally, I expected an abundance of texts and phone calls from him throughout the day asking for my forgiveness, however there was nothing. No text or phone call all day.
I waited until Saturday and he still hadn’t called. I text him asking him to come round that evening so we could discuss everything and he asked why, and then proceeded to say he was meeting up with a friend that evening much to my horror. How could he not want to sort this out? What the bloody hell was going on?!
He eventually decided to come round that evening. He arrived with no beard and stinking of cigarettes, two things I hate. He said he’d done as an act of defiance against me. What had I done wrong? He showed no emotion, didn’t look remorseful and quite frankly couldn’t wait to leave.
Since then, we’ve had limited conversations. He’s on our tenancy until Feb and owes me money. (I’ve had to cancel a whole wedding and he couldn’t care less.) But he’s showing no signs that he’s going to give me a penny.
I’m still so confused about this after all these weeks and I’m left in our flat alone every night whilst he goes on with his life not giving a shit. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
First, we want to say how truly sorry we are for everything that’s happened. We can understand why you’re in complete shock and not sure what’s up or down. We hope you’re hanging in there and surrounding yourself with people who care about you. Hopefully we can at least provide you with some explanation as to what’s happened and some insight into his mind.
Let’s address the bi-sexual situation first. This of course is a tricky topic, especially in today’s world where it’s hard to state an opinion without someone being offended. With that in mind, we’ll forge ahead anyway. Sexuality for most people is pretty straight forward. They are either attracted to the opposite sex or they are attracted to the same sex. Of course, some would say that sexuality is not so black and white, and that all people have a little bit of attraction to both sexes. We’re not going to refute that statement; we’ll just say that we can’t speak to it because that hasn’t been our experience.
Our opinion: Your guy is not bi-sexual, he’s gay. It’s not that a man can’t be bi-sexual, but the nature of our anatomy brings the idea into question. Let’s think about it from a purely physical standpoint. In order for a guy to have sex with someone else, he has to be aroused enough for all of his components to work. (Different from a woman.) Straight guys don’t get aroused by other men. It’s not that we can’t objectively say, “He’s a handsome man.” (We can.) But that thought doesn’t excite us, or arouse us. So the fact that your guy is aroused by other men is pretty telling as to how he leans sexually. NOTE: To be clear, this has nothing to do with him dressing up as a woman. (That’s a separate topic/category, and is not necessarily related to whether he’s gay or not.) Some straight men also dress up as women.
So you then ask/wonder: This doesn’t make sense. How can he be gay? We were going to get married? We had sex didn’t we? He must have been attracted to me as well?
Okay, that’s true. And so we consulted some friends in the gay community. Here’s what they said. “It is possible to have sex with a woman. We are attracted to beauty and women are beautiful creatures. But it’s not the same as sex with another man. We don’t get as excited, and in fact, often we can’t finish the deal, or it takes forever, or it’s hard for us to maintain an erection. Unless of course, we’re fantasizing in our minds about someone else. Like a man.”
We also think your fiancé wanted to get caught. He’s not so careless to leave his phone lying around open to a gay chat site if he didn’t want you to find it. If he truly wanted to conceal this other life from you, he would have. But the fact is, as things got closer and closer to your wedding, he grew more and more uncomfortable with the thought of living a lie, even if it originally appealed to him when you started dating. Which explains why he’s acting so cavalier and uncaring about the whole thing now. The fact is, he couldn’t be more relieved to finally tell you the truth, or maybe even admit the truth to himself and the rest of the world. Obviously this has been a big secret for a long time. We can imagine that he finally feels like he’s living an authentic life, and that’s got to feel good to him.
But the way he’s acting towards you is definitely a bit odd and NOT okay. (Maybe this gives you a little insight into his true character?) The point is, you are someone he purportedly loves or at least loved and this is NO way to treat someone so important in your life. It seems to us that he should at least be trying to help you understand what’s happened and help you see that this is NOT your fault, and give you some sort of explanation to help you work through this. But alas, people don’t always do the right thing, even those people close to you. At this point he is only thinking about himself. (We don’t think you’re going to get a full explanation from him.) We are so sorry.
So where does this leave you?
We can imagine, in addition to being devastated AND angry, you’re also very confused, and you now have much self-doubt. You’re probably asking yourself: How did I not see it? How did I not know? What did I do wrong? Will I ever be able to trust another man again?
We wish we had great answers for you, but we don’t. Here’s what we can say. This is going to take some time to heal from. Be patient with yourself. And don’t berate yourself. You’re not the first person to be fooled by their partner. (Maybe it feels that way, but you’re not.) And this is definitely NOT your fault. Maybe he was very good at concealing his true leanings, or maybe you didn’t see the signs—if they were there—but you did not cause him to jump ship and join the other team. (He was already on it.)
As per your next relationship? Well, besides that you might want to take some time off to heal. What we’d say is, make sure that communication is your number one priority. We’re not saying that you have to have a heart-to-heart on the first date, but as the relationship develops, it’s critical to have an open dialogue with your partner about all things. Building trust is everything. You’ll feel much better for having it.
Once again, we are sorry. But you’ll get through this. We know you will. Let us know if you have any foll0w-up questions or thoughts. Leave in the comments section below.
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