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Is this just a sexual relationship?

I have been seeing a guy for about three months. We see each other about two to three times a week. We usually just watch TV or a movie, but we always have sex. Recently, I started developing feelings for him. We have never defined the relationship or any boundaries to it and I have never asked him to. Last night, he asked me what our relationship was, and asked me if i thought it was only sex. I said that as it stood, yes. When I asked him why, he said, ''Just asking.'' Then he changed the conversation. Is this just a sexual relationship? "Amy"

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6 Comments on Is this just a sexual relationship?

  1. Why would you give yourself to a man that you have no established relationship with? You deserve better then a Netflix and sex. If you don’t make people prove themselves to you, and it you don’t think you are worth someone proving themselves to you. Then they won’t think that either.

  2. Bagpussbag // December 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm //

    I’ve known my guy for about four years as I worked with
    A member of his family.

    When we first met he was in a long term relationship
    With another girl and we became friends.

    The next time we met he had split with his gf and moved
    To another country for work. We remained good friends and
    Carried on chatting online etc.

    Upon placement to another country during his frequent visits
    Home we met and a lot of meeting between us and his family
    Enabled for us to get to know each other better.

    He’s now based in a country where I can visit
    Maybe once a year but the relationship has grown more serious

    We have talked a small amount of how his last long distance relationship
    Dint work but we continue to grow stronger. We’re chatting every day for
    Almost 2 years now and I know I have fallen for him.

    How do I tell him? Should I?

    I know he feels the same but I’m not sure he’s ready for another
    Long distance thing. Should I write him off??!

  3. @Baspussbag………Have the two of you spent some time together face-to-face, or has this been all long-distance correspondence? And how do you know he feels the same? (We’re not saying he doesn’t, just wondering.) Has he said anything to you specifically? Fill us in and we’ll offer some opinions.

  4. @Amy…..Yes, you’re in a sexual relationship. (No-strings attached sex, booty call, FWB, whatever you want to call it) If he was serious about you he’d be taking you out on dates, introducing you to his friends and family, and buying you gifts. If you want something more serious, he’s not your guy. Read some of the other comments people have left. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Good luck. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And help a fellow reader. Come back and VOTE in the future.

  5. Hey Guys,
    I sent in a question but I’m kinda dying here so I thought maybe you would get to a comment quicker. This is a fairly long story and I tend to ramble so stay with me because its all important lol. I’ve changed all the names just because I’m usually a very private person and it feels weird to put it all up on the web.

    I’ve been good friends with this guy for three years, lets call him Ty. Ty and I met him my jr year of high school (boarding school) and by senior year we were best friends. We did everything together and we lived in the same dorm so we probably spent at least 16 hours a day together. In the morning whoever woke up first would call the other and 30 minutes later we were dressed and off to breakfast. From that point on we spent the rest of the day together, through lunch and dinner all the way until 11pm where we were restricted to our rooms….at which point we called each other and stayed on the phone until we fell asleep. We talked about everything under the sun.

    He was the first person I could open up to about my parents. I’ve never known my father and my mother and I have a relationship that has been horrible mentally and in the past physically. He made me feel protected and safe, and opened my eyes in a way that a lot of things in my life were not normal and that I shouldn’t have had to go through them. I’ve never felt hopeless or alone but eventually I realized I depended on him and where I had been so independent before I was coming to rely on him more and more.

    Then our relationship started to get complicated…very quickly. We had multiple sleepovers that at first were entirely innocent and then progressed to feeling each other up…although nothing ever really happened between us there was a VERY strong sexual attraction. After some time he started to crush on a girl at school and I actually helped him gather the courage to ask her out and plan what he was going to say. I wasn’t jealous at all and really didn’t think much of it. She said yes and he ended up telling her of our “sleepovers” and from that instant she hated my guts I’m sure. We limited our time together and obviously stopped sleeping over but we still made time to hang out after school. When we did we were very comfortable around each other and his gf didn’t like it at all. She never came to speak to me about it but she would tell him. After a while we stopped hanging out entirely and stopped calling one another. It was hard for me to not be able to speak with him as we told each other everything but I understood his gf and so I let it be. He didn’t like the arrangement either but I wouldn’t find that out yet.

    Toward the end of the year his gf started to lighten up and we were able to see each other again every so often. One night we had to stay up late in the lobby for a project and we ended up talking about the whole situation and how much we had missed hanging out together. I got pretty tired and somewhere around 4 am finished my work. I lay down on the couch facing the back and closed my eyes for a bit waiting for him to finish. He did and lay down next to me…ordinarily this wouldn’t have been a big deal since we had cuddled before, but the sexual attraction was very strong after not really being together for months. He had to spoon me to stay on the couch and after hearing something fall we both jumped apart. Although nothing actually happened we both felt horrible as if we had cheated and he resolved to tell his gf. She broke up with him the next day and basically shunned the two of us even until today. A few weeks later we went on tour with our school and he started to avoid me and limit his time with me. It hurt because I felt we were going through this together but he wouldn’t speak to me about it. When we got back to school after break I pulled him aside to tell him how much it hurt me and he told me that he was sorry and that he had actually even thought of ending our friendship entirely…but that now he couldn’t do that because he really liked being best friends. It shocked me that he even thought of ending our friendship and I got really mad, but eventually moved on and after a month or so we were back to our original friendship spending fun happy time together.

    I thought everything was going well but the sexual attraction once again got in the way. We ended up being FWB (I know….horrible decision) but it actually worked. We communicated about everything and regularly checked in to see how we felt. Just before the end of the year we are talking on the phone and he tells me that I was the only one of his friends that he had ever wanted to “say a certain three words to.” He wouldn’t say them but he did tell me he liked me. I was speechless as I didn’t know how to respond. I had liked him my first year before any of this but had closed those emotions off a long time ago and wasn’t sure if I still could feel that way for him. He didn’t let me say anything though and told me he didn’t want a relationship and that he really should just go to sleep. He would see me the next day. The next day we talked but not a lot and he seemed down but wouldn’t talk about it. The day after that he told me that he was over it and didn’t want anything about our relationship to change. When I tried to get more information he just insisted that he was okay. After proceeding with caution we ended the year as best friends.

    Over the summer we still talked daily or at least every two days for several hours. We sexted here and there but since we were far away we decided to talk about our “relationship” again in the fall when we would both be in the same city. In the fall I flew up for his birthday and we spent a good week together laughing and catching up and yes…having a lot of sex. I realized however that over the summer and really ever since the day he told me he had feelings for me, I had begun to like him again…and even to love him. Our last night/day together we went to the movies and dinner…it was by candlelight and I was really uncomfortable (for the first time ever around him). I insisted on paying so that I could snap myself out of the dream that it was a date. Later that night we were talking and I asked him if he wanted me to like him…after plenty of hesitation, he said yes. He told me that after he had told me he liked me that night, he had trained himself not to since we were FWB and not dating. That he had shut off those emotions and that now he had felt it again. I told him how I had been feeling (since we had promised we would tell each other immediately) and that night was probably the happiest I’ve ever been/

    Then I left the city for the year….we both knew it would happen but didn’t really have time to discuss it. For twoish months afterward I tried to get information about where we stood in our relationship but he never gave anything definitive. Since the time we had become FWB we were exclusive (without really saying it, even though we both had multiple opportunities)….6 months. I finally got fed up and asked him to tell me the truth and not hurt me like this. I had always been more considerate and mature in the relationship but he had always told me he cared about me a lot and I believed him. We had said we would always get through the tough situations together. He didn’t take it very well though and got really mad. He told me that the whole thing was a lie and that he was just using me. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him because it sounded like he was just upset and trying to get the conversation to end. Then he got madder that I wouldn’t believe he was that big of an asshole and after yelling a lot hung up. He texted me that our friendship, the whole thing was over. I called but no answer. Then I just cried. all night. We didn’t speak at all for months.

    I couldn’t sleep or eat at all the first 3 weeks. after the first month I started to eat one big meal a day and the crying became more sporadic but I was still a mess. month two rolls by and I end up seeing an old friend of ours from HS and he takes me out and shows me around and was really sweet. I decided to text Ty to say Merry Christmas and he responds with the same and asks how I am. We small talk for a bit before I cut to the chase and tell him that I’m not sure if he wants to be friends again….if he does I’m relieved but need time to myself. He tells me to take as long as I need.

    A few weeks later we talk on the phone and I ask him straight out if he wants to be friends or what is going on….he tells me that he thinks he does want to talk again, when I’m ready and in person. I told him it wouldn’t be until the end of the year at least…and probably the end of the summer. The second month I had decided to contact my dad and will be meeting with him over the summer to find out what happened so long ago. I tried to focus on myself as much as I could and just put one step in front of the other. I’m relieved he is talking to me again but I’m scared of going back into that friendship again.

    One last important pice of information. The friend I met up again with after about 5ish dates we slept together…both of us knew it was for fun and I know he is a stand up guy. I also know that they are friends and while they aren’t super close I hesitated because I didn’t want to be mean to Ty and I didn’t want to use his friend. After much deliberation in my head I decided to do it because 1) I knew I wasn’t doing it to hurt Ty, I was doing it because I genuinely wanted to and 2) I had spent a lot of time putting Ty’s feelings before mine, this time I wanted to put myself first. I’m still not sure if it was 100% the right decision as I know it will bother Ty but I’m glad I did it…it proved to myself that I can move on eventually if I want to.

    Now my question is….where do I go from here? What is it that Ty wants from me? What is he expecting? Should I even try to take him back? I know only time will tell but I want to know your guys’ thoughts on the whole situation. Please be honest. That is my biggest thing about guy & my friends…I want them to be radically honest about everything!! Tell me what you think of him, me, and what you see as possible outcomes. Is this friendship salvageable? ….because more than anything I had always valued his friendship and I still care for him immensely.

    Thanks for reading this all (believe me this is the condensed version!!) & for your time to provide a response 🙂
    Coco

  6. @Coco………This is the condensed version!? We understand though. It’s complicated. However, we’re going to cut to the chase. A friendship might be salvageable, but we don’t see a romantic union blossoming between the two of you. We don’t think he sees you that way even if the two of you did do the FWB thing for a long time. Actually, it’s the fact that he was into a FWB arrangement instead of an actual committed relationship that tells us he doesn’t see you as long term girlfriend potential. So the question is: If you can’t have him as a boyfriend do you truly want him as a friend? You asked us to be honest, but you need to be honest with yourself. Will you always be pining away for him, hoping that something might change, or do you truly want to just be friends with him? We’re not so sure. As per him. We could see him wanting to be friends with you again. But if that happens you need to stay away from anything physical. And if he starts down that path again then you know he’s using you. Thoughts?

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