8 Comments on Young Love; how do I get around his girlfriend?

  1. Hi Guys,
    My husband of 21 years left me for another woman 6 weeks ago. He was having an affair with her for over a year before he left. When he first left I didn’t know it was because he was seeing someone else. He told me he lost his connection with me and he no longer had feelings for me. Then 3 weeks later I find out he had been seeing someone all along. What I think lead to this is all the stress we have concerning our business and bills, debt, etc. He also said we act like business partners and stopped being husband and wife. Also, part of the problem of what has lead to this other woman is that he said I never acted like I wanted to be intimate (like I wasn’t attracted to him). He said he got tired of me rejecting his advances and this eventually made him feel cold inside and he lost his connection with me. I know there is no excuse for an affair, but I have to confess that he did try to talk to me about it the year before. However, at the time I told him he kept me on edge because he always made fun at my expense in front of others. Since he wouldn’t stop poking fun, I guess I never felt I could get closed to him so nothing ever got resolved. Anyway, his libido is different than mine. I feel that women lose their libido and that’s why I never wanted sex. Also, life just gets in the way and I’m always tired. I don’t know for sure. During the time he was carrying on with this woman, he still did things for me and acted like he loved me. Of course now it could have just been guilt because of the affair. I don’t know.
    When he left 6 weeks ago, he moved into a condo. However, we have a home and he keeps up the yard and will take care our dogs. He stops by the house about 3 or 4 times a week and still has the key to the house. I don’t know what makes him think he can come and go since he left me. We do not have a relationship or anything so I don’t know if that is considered cake eating or not. Of course since I didn’t want him to leave in the first place, I don’t push the issue about not coming and going.
    Anyway, when my husband sees me (only about 4 times since he left 6 weeks ago), he looks at me as if he is still attracted to me. I see him checking me out (since I did lose weight because of our separation). In the past he always said he was attracted to me. I don’t want to make a move on him for fear of rejection. Also, I can’t stand the fact that he is having sex with someone else. What about diseases? Ugh..
    I feel like him leaving me for another woman is my fault. I didn’t express to him how much I truly loved him and he took my rejection of having sex as if I didn’t love him. Now I feel it’s too late. He is acting like a kid in a candy store with his new place. He even came to the house and got our old Christmas tree out of the attic and put it up, then took a picture of it and put it on Facebook. That hurt me to the core since I am in no way in the Christmas spirit. I haven’t even decorated my house at all. It’s like he did that on purpose. Like he is mad at me and it’s my fault he had affair. That’s how he has been acting since I found out about him and the other woman.
    I’m so confused because he only talks about us in past tense like we have no future and acts as if the divorce is going to happen. However, he keeps coming by visiting the dogs, contacting me through e-mail and on FB chat. He keeps saying how much he misses the dogs. Wow, I feel like saying thanks that makes me feel good. He hardly ever calls me and tries to avoid seeing me. He keeps me confused by his actions. What in the world is going on with him? I need your help bad!!! Thank you.

  2. @Marie……Thanks for your donation. We can only help by trying to shed some light on his thinking. We are truly sorry. We know this must be so difficult on you. Betrayal is not easy. However, this is in no way your fault, and you need to stop the self-reproach. Yes, maybe he was trying to reach out to you and you didn’t respond; but instead of sitting you down and explaining how he was feeling, and that he was thinking your marriage was in real trouble, he decided to give up without notifying you. That’s how it looks to us. And honestly, with this mindset, it’s highly likely the marriage would have stumbled on for a few more years and then fizzled. He stopped “choosing” your marriage a year ago. So you’re wondering about his current actions, right? We don’t think he’s trying to have his cake and eat too, but his “coming and going” isn’t helping you. Have you tried to talk to him about your relationship? Have you sat him down and asked him to explain more? Have you told him that you now understand what he needs and that you’re willing to try again? Have you suggested couple’s counseling? Marie, if you still feel for this man you need to fight for it and see it to it’s conclusion. Otherwise you’re going to feel regret. There are no guarantees that he’s coming back. But if you don’t try to reach out to him, it will be harder for you to move on. If he rejects you after you tried, then at least you’ll know what you need to do. Once again, we’re sorry. Hang in there. What do you think? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  3. @M…..We think you need to wait a few years, until you’re at least 16. Keep working on the friendship and then just see what develops. The thing is, you have time, and you have a built in connection since he’s part of your life through your dad. Good luck and keep us posted. Come back and ask another question anytime. And please let all of your friends know about us. Thanks. Twitter: @TGPBuzz

  4. Thank you for your reply. When he finally confessed the affair on the phone from his condo, I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he reluctantly said yes. And then on Facebook chat about a week ago, we started talking about the other woman and he told me he was happy with her. That she makes him happy. We discussed how were going to handle things and then he finally said something about being legally separated and then he said he thinks that will eventually lead us to divorce. Keep in mind that while he is chatting with me on Facebook he is drinking two glasses of wine and crown royal. He hates confrontation so I guess that’s why he talks about it on chat.

    What I don’t understand is how can he know if he is happy with this other woman when he was having an affair for over a year and then has only been seeing her more often for 6 weeks since he doesn’t live at home anymore. All the lies he told her and me. It’s a mess.

    I don’t know what else I can do to fight for him. I try not to cry on the occassions I do see him. However, I don’t want him to think I don’t care and that I’m happy he isn’t at home either. I just don’t know how to act around him.

    How do you think I should act around him and what are you thoughts about his behavior by not wanting to see me or talk to me only through e-mail and chat?

  5. @Marie……..Your relationship is complicated with a history. His relationship with her is not. That’s why he’s happy. But leaving your wife for another woman is never a good idea, because there are too many unresolved issues on the table, and often they resurface, or become present in the new relationship. However, sometimes people need “other people” to extract themselves from a situation they can’t get out of. Your husband felt something was missing. However, like we said, we wish he had put more effort into trying to work on your relationship rather than giving up on it, or at least not introduce anyone else into the equation until things were settled with yours. But to your question: How should you act around him? You have to be yourself. How you act isn’t going to determine his course of action. If all of a sudden you’re happy and carefree that’s not going to change his mind. What will, is time to reflect. Unfortunately, with this other woman around, he’s created a situation where he can’t reflect. Have you thought of writing him a handwritten letter telling him how you feel and that you want to try again? It might be easier for him to “hear” everything if he’s reading it. Just a thought. Your thoughts in general? We wish we could find a solution for you, but this is going to unfold how it’s going to unfold. Hopefully you can use us as a sounding board. Take care and ask as many questions as you’d like.

  6. I have sent e-mails to him telling him that I am sorry for my shortcomings in the marriage. I haven’t sent him a hand written letter for fear of rejection. I feel I am already running after him because of the e-mails I sent a few weeks ago. I don’t see how I have a chance as long as he seeing this woman. I sound stupid asking him to try and work things out with me when I know he is with her. Remember, he said he was happy with her.

    I just got off the phone with him. He called me and we talked about stuff and then he asked me how I was doing. I said I was OK, and tried not to sound too down. If I am depressed everytime I interact with him, he will not want to talk to me on the phone or see me. I actually wanted to tell him that I cry every night when I get home from work and can’t function most of the time, but of course I didn’t. I asked him how he was doing (since he asked me) and he said he was content (I guess that means happy) with his place. He has the tree up and some family pictures there too. Of course I cried after I hung the phone. I’m so sad all the time. Any advice on what I just said here? 🙂

  7. Also, I forgot to say in my last posting that he was supposed to come by the house today and play with our dogs and do some other stuff, but he said he has been too busy to get by there today. However, wehn I told him my DVR wasn’t working and I haven’t been able to watch T.V. for two days, he quickly said he was going to figure out a way to get over there today and fix it for me. I guess he does these things out of guilt. I don’t know. 🙁

  8. @Marie…..Obviously he still cares for you, and doesn’t want you to be sad. And yes, he feels very guilty, for not only cheating on you, but then leaving you. (Yes, we agree that’s probably why he’s volunteering to help you out.) So why aren’t you telling him how you feel? Is it because you feel too proud to show your emotions, or do you think being stoic is helping your cause? We believe you need to be authentic. And since he’s already with another woman, why not be honest? It’s not like you’d be pretending to feel sad to make him feel worse. We think he should know you’re having a hard time. Maybe it will jog his memory and make him think about what he’s doing. And if not, you won’t be any worse off than you are now. As far as you being able to function: You’re grieving. That’s an important part of the healing process. However, the biggest obstacle to healing is that everything feels “up in the air.” Nothing is really certain, you’re not sure what he’s thinking, and it’s all so new. Maybe it’s a bit soon for closure, but if he remains consistent with his message to you—through December; that he’s moving on— then you might need to think about moving on yourself and start the rebuilding process. We’re sorry. Take care.

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