Is this married guy using me?

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Dear Guys,

So this guy and I became friends and we were both married. We both have started the divorce process so we could be together. My divorce is final but his is still going on.

Recently he told me he isn’t ready for a relationship at this time but that he loves me and misses me. We started to hang out again and we do have sex but he always asks me to stay the night and it’s becoming more frequent. When we are together he acts like he loves me so much… touching my face, a kiss on the forehead after sex and seems to be getting a bit possessive. I could feel he loves me but when we aren’t together he doesn’t reach out much. And my birthday passed and he didn’t do anything for me.

Just wondering if the stress of his divorce and new job position could be making him like this. Would he be back to normal when it’s done? Is he just using me?


Dear Jessica,

We’re not quite sure what you mean by normal. By normal do you mean the guy whom you met while married, who made promises to you, and then reconsidered part way through? We’re not saying he purposely misled you, but it sounds as if the allure of a new life with you caused him to get ahead of himself. Now that your divorce is complete, the fantasy has been replaced by reality. So you ask some good questions.

Before we respond to your question, here are a few things to think about. For one, his affection before, during and immediately after sex is not necessarily an indication of his love for you. It might be, but it could also be his hormones raging. What makes us question his actions, is his lack of action when you’re not together. The fact that he puts you in the “out of sight, out of mind” category. AND he doesn’t even reach out to you on your birthday. It just seems that he’s all about getting his own needs met, but isn’t considering yours, at least not your emotional needs. And to be clear, we are NOT implying that you’re needy. Quite the contrary, you seem like a very confident and accommodating person who’s willing to work with him. But maybe you’re extending him a bit too much credit? What do you think?

To answer your question: Yes, stress can play a role in people’s behavior. But stress typically amplifies a certain behavior; it doesn’t create a new one. Honestly, we think you need to listen to his words. He’s not ready for a relationship. (Most newly divorced guys are not.) What we can’t answer, is how long it might take him to be ready, if ever. (That might be something you discuss with him.) Have you had a heart-to-heart conversation with him? (Maybe it’s time.)

Let us know if you have any foll0w-up questions. Leave in the comments below. We hope it works out for you.



Read more Relationship and Dating Advice about Dating after Divorce

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