I hope you all are in good health.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. We were best friends for the first three months and he has shared everything about his life with me. He basically says that I am his lifeline and I can see that in his actions as well. I love him and he loves me too.
But he always starts acting odd when he comes across his ex. They had been together for three and a half years. They broke up five months before we became friends. She was with him during the toughest phase of his life…..ie when he lost both his parents. She stood by him and helped him stay strong. But he cheated on her several times and she knew about all the times he cheated. She always forgave him until she got tired one day and left. He told me that his world fell apart when she left him and that breakup changed him completely. He started working on himself and is a better person now. So their relationship meant alot to him.
My question is, why does he act odd and so different when he comes across his ex or when someone mentions her. He cherishes every moment that I spend with him and we have a strong emotional bond. But does he really love me or is he still in love with his ex? Will I lose him to her if she ever decides to come back?
Thank you for your time.
We understand your concern.
Clearly your boyfriend cares for you deeply, and it sounds like you have a solid relationship. However, it’s also clear that he still has strong feelings for his ex. Before you go into panic mode, this is pretty typical. They were together a long time, and like you said, experienced some difficult times together, which brought them even closer together. Losing a relationship like that creates a huge hole in a person’s life, one that takes a long time to fill, and a long time to get over.
However, his sadness is also compounded by guilt and remorse, which have led to regret. He’s not proud of the way he behaved and he’s probably wondering if the relationship might have had a chance if he hadn’t been so selfish. (His cheating.) We’re not saying he necessarily wants a second chance, and if he did, she’d want to give him one. But the thoughts are likely swirling around in his head. (Of course, we’re not mind readers, so it’s hard to say for sure.)
But you know all this, right? The question is: What can you do about it?
Well, it sounds as if you may be ignoring the issue, hoping it might go away, or fade over time. Maybe you’re worried about bringing up for fear that you’ll push him away? Are these accurate statements? Or?
If those statements are accurate, then we think it might be good to talk with him. Ask him to be honest. Now of course, being completely honest is going to be difficult for him, especially because he cares for you and won’t want to hurt you. And maybe he doesn’t even really know how he feels or he’s pulled. Maybe he loves you but a part of him still loves her. But we can tell you that regret can build over time, and cause a person to fantasize of what might have been. You don’t want her specter to be looming over him and your relationship in perpetuity. And the only way to truly have her fade is for him to face it head on and examine how he’s feeling, with your support of course.
If you go this route could you lose him?
It’s possible. However, the way we see it, you’re not quite sure you currently “have” him. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking the question. So at the very least, opening up the line of communicaton will give hopefully provide you with the answers you’re looking for. The hope is, that he’ll see how much you care about his well-being and that you’re not just a loving partner but a supportive one as well.
What do you think? Reactions? Follow-up questions? (Leave in comments below.)
All the Best,
ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks.