Am I being played?

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Dear Guys,

I have a question about whether or not I’m being played by this girl that I adore. We have been off and on for quite a few months now and I’ve been struggling, trying to figure out if this girl loves me like she says she does. We dated about two months, but I broke it off with her because I didn’t trust her. Now we’ve been apart for about three months, but we’re thinking of getting back together. I’m not sure if this is the best thing. When I see her she acts like I’m the most important thing in her life, but other times she acts like I don’t matter. I try to please her, but I get the same actions and words. I am the one who has to call her. She often ditches me on days when I was supposed to see her. And I know she sometimes ignores my phone calls. I’m wondering if I should just give up and make a drastic change. Maybe you can help me figure out what’s going on.
Rob (17)

Dear Rob,

Thanks for writing and reading.

It’s clear to us that you really care for this girl and would love to figure out how to make this work. Obviously you wouldn’t still be hanging out with her if that weren’t the case. However, as much as you might be ready to be in a committed relationship, she might not be.

We’d like to present you with several scenarios of what might be going on. We can only help you see the big picture, but in the end you’ll have to make the call.

ONE: Your ex might be hurt because you broke up with her and not sure if she wants to be hurt all over again. This could cause here to act erratically. She’s protecting herself by mixing things up and throwing you off balance. This would explain why one minute she treats you like the love of her life and the next like a nobody. However, you mentioned that some of these behaviors were happening while you were dating, which makes us wonder.

TWO: She is young. Most seventeen year olds aren’t quite ready to be in a committed relationship. She wants to experience life, do some taste testing, and kind of go where the wind blows. Her frame of mind is probably closer to a “typical” seventeen year old, whereas you seem more stable and ready to commit, which makes you the exception. If you think this is the case and you really want to be with her, then you’ll just have to be patient and deal with her behavior. However, this could honestly take years. You might not even care by then.

THREE: She’s just not the right girl for you. You care for her deeply, you think she’s smart, cute/hot, funny, whatever, but she doesn’t feel the same way. She certainly likes you, but she also likes to do what she wants to do, which makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask yourself why did you break up with her in the first place? And has anything really changed with her? Or for that matter with you? Are you two really a good fit?

So think about these scenarios and see if one resonates more than the others.  And then ask yourself, “What do I really want from a relationship?” And once you visualize that, ask yourself if your ex really fits the bill.

Another thing to consider is, maybe it’s too soon for you to be in a committed relationship. It’s okay to experiment a bit. Look around. The world is a big place. You might surprise yourself and find someone who’s unexpectedly wonderful. Or maybe you could just be happy hanging with your friends and doing your own thing for a while.

After having said all of this, our initial reaction is, YES, you’re getting played. But you’re allowing it. You’re responsible for your own happiness, which means making good choices about the people you surround yourself with.

The biggest piece of advice we can give you is, trust your gut.



22 Comments on Am I being played?

  1. Absolutely great advice! If you think you’re being played, you are being played. Moving on….

  2. OMG! How fucking old are YOU GUYS????

    Okay, Mr. 17 years old… Take it from me, I WAS THIS GIRL! Several times over in fact. She’s using you honey.

    She keeps you hanging on, until she doesn’t want you anymore and you start to irritate her. Then she gets loney and starts messing with your head again.

    If you want MY advice, and let me forewarn you the GUYS will say this is REALLY shitty advice… BUT, start acting like YOU don’t give a shit. Pretend you don’t want her, don’t answer her phone calls, tell her you’re busy… Things like that.

    She will freak the fuck out.

    On the other hand, YOU are 17! Go have fun! Quit worrying about ONE chick, go out with 9 girls! DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ALL OF THEM!!! NO NO!!! Play the field, date, have fun. You’re only young ONCE!

  3. Concurring w/ Cher and Ashley… go be 17! Don’t worry about settling down just yet.

    But let me give you some advice for the future…
    If a girl is into you, she will make the time for you and not jerk you around. She will make you a priority. If that’s not happening, then she’s probably not The One. It sucks when you’re on the wrong end of this, but it’s better in the long run. Who wants to spend weeks or months getting yanked around, with no positive resolution in the end? That’s time that would be better spent finding someone that will be there for you.

    And as a second bit of advice, once you find that person, you probably shouldn’t break up with her for some lame reason.

    Trust, until there’s a good reason NOT to trust.

  4. Hmm… the typical girl-gives-boy-some-mindf*ck*ng routine, eh? I like Ashley’s advice. She pretty much nailed it.

    If there’s anybody else out there who’s having this kind of trouble, I suggest Robert Greene’s Art of Seduction. It’s a pretty good book… teaches everything you need to know about the game. Or, you may want to get yourself acquainted with the seduction community:

    They’ll tell you everything you need to know about women. LOL.

    Btw, is this Rob character fictional? =)

  5. Hon, you are the B-Man. Some woman keep a nice guy on the back burner while they sow wild oats. You’re like insurance. If the guy she is really interested in doesn’t pan out, you’re always there. And before any of the GUYS get to indignant with my comment, remember a lot of the games women play now, was gleaned from your handbook.

    That said, no one deserves to be taken for granted and/or mistreated. It’s time to kick her to the curb, and explore life. There are plenty of good women out there who’ll appreciate a sweetie like you. My advice, find yourself a confident cougar. She’ll be a wonderful experience and will help you enjoy life to the fullest. Just my two cents.

  6. At 17 you are at an important age to start implementing some good habits for yourself to prepare for the world of dating and relationships.

    First decide what standards you will and will not accept in a relationship. Remember the basics – name calling, violence, belittling, any kind of verbal or emotional abuse and constant disregard for your feelings are all deal breakers.

    Next, write down disrespectful behaviors that you will take note of (be fair, everyone has off days but it pays to learn the behaviors that are disrespectful (research this) so you can teach others what you will and wont tolerate. But if you are constantly being stood up or ignored then you know that is not good). These are your red flags. If these behaviors happen consistently then you can decide on an action to take – discuss it, ask for help or leave the situation.

    I would suggest you step back from the situation for a moment and consider the emotional tug-of-war you are going through. If you broke up with her because you didnt trust her, then what has drastically changed to make her trustworthy in your eyes?

    At the end of the day you cant change another person or their feelings, you can only change yourself.

    Work out your self respect standards, gain some perspective and enjoy people for who they are. If they arent suitable for you thats ok, find others who are. Dating is a great thing but learn to develop strong standards so you can make the best decisions for yourself.

    Best of luck.

  7. @Rob…….we hope you’re also reading these great comments.

  8. Totally agree…17 years old? He’s got plenty of relationships in front of him, so no need to get hung up on this girl. It does sound like she’s hurt. Also, 3 months is a LONG time for a teenager. She might have moved on, but is trying to be nice. Either way, he’s only 17 and so is she, and they’ll probably be going to college soon and meeting new people anyway.

  9. “Trust your gut.” Good advice.

    I have always followed my instincts.

    There is an award waiting for all of you guys on my blog Moe Daily.

  10. @Diana…………….thanks. We’ll check it out!

  11. “Trust your gut” and also tell her how you’re feeling so you have CLOSURE. Ask her if she honestly wants to stay together with you, point blank. More wavering and mixed signals is a bad sign, however. But you’ll never know for sure until it’s out in the open. Cut through the crap with directness and complete honesty.

  12. Well it doesn’t matter anymore guys, she started dating a good friend of mine. I am just going to have some fun. Fooled around with another girl. I realized before this was posted it wasn’t worth it. Thanks for the advice and comments.

  13. @Rob…..well maybe just going through the process of submitting a question was enough to get you thinking. It sounds like you came to the same conclusion we did. (And all the people who commented.) Thanks for asking THE GUYS, and feel free to ask again. And your friends as well. Good luck with all your new adventures.

  14. @Ryhen…….no, he’s not fictional. Read his response below.

  15. From a devotee of Sex And the City, and a person who’s had to learn this the hard way: “She’s Just Not That Into You!”
    Now get out before it’s too late — and find someone who really cares for you.
    It’s wonderful when you do.

  16. I agree with the GUYS trust your gut!

  17. At 17, girls can be so mean! They get full of themselves very easily, especially when they have had a successful shopping trip. Please do not take this situation seriously. We can’t help being the way we are. You sound like a guy who is more mature than most. Don’t tie yourself down right now–the best is yet to come!

  18. @Pat…..well said.

    @E…….Yes, and we agree with you.

    @Judie…..You are right. Of course boys are just as mean, they just do it differently.

  19. I would say let her go now man, your going to spend to much getting hurt by one girl. I spent a lot of time on a girl, over a year in fact of her stringing me along while she had a boyfriend. Its not worth the pain to keep following her, go out and have fun date other girls but don’t play them and date a bunch at one time because you would just be hurting them to. Don’t sink to other people’s level by playing girls, you know how it feels you don’t want to make someone else feel that way to. Good luck and I hope you find a girl that fits you and will treat you like she really cares.

  20. I would say let her go man. She will just keep stringing you along if you let her, you have to take control of how you feel its going to hurt letting her go but it’s what you have to do. I know how it feels my ex strung me along for over a year even though she had a boyfriend… I still went after it because I thought that she would just come back to me and she didn’t she strung me along then threw me away and that is what any girl who doesn’t know what they want will do.

  21. Hey guys,

    First, sorry this is so long.

    About two months ago, I went out for my friends birthday to some bars and saw a group of guys from my high school. One came up to me and asked if I went to high school with them because they remembered me. The guy who came up to me bought me a drink and we ended up dancing at two different places. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night.

    We’ve been talking since (except recently). We only texted since I go to school an hour away. He texted me pretty much all day and about anything, family, friends, work, school, hobbies, everything. I wasn’t sure what he thought about me and if he really was interested, but sometimes he would be flirty, not all the time tho. He would also tell me we would do things together and he couldn’t wait to show me around his town. When I asked him if he would want to go skiing with me sometime, he replied “Yeah we will, I’m off on these days”. Then we planned for spring break.

    He also told me a couple months ago, around Christmas, his girlfriend broke up with him. He said he was pretty upset still but he has more better days now. He also said he’s going to try being by himself for awhile but won’t turn down people worth meeting or hanging out with. I told him he never knows who he’ll meet and that there are good people out there too, he replied “I think I realized that on Sat. 🙂 I have no doubt about that at all”. Saturday was the night we met and danced. So it made me think he might like me.

    Later, he invited me to go out to celebrate his nephews birthday. I told him I wouldn’t have a place to stay but he kept saying, “you can stay here, promise”. Then he would say, you may have to share a bed with me so I apologize in advance. I then asked he’s willing to share his bed and he said that he was willing as long as I was ok with it and we didn’t have to make it weird. Not sure what he meant by making it weird. He then said he was ok with it and it’s not weird. (He kept saying we wouldn’t have to make it weird). But I went. We had a drink and saw a bunch of people from high school that I never talked to. He drove me to his place, and we hung out for awhile, played with his dog, had another drink, and talked to his roommates. We then went to his room and he gave me clothes to wear to stay the night, and we started watching a show, he introduced me to and we talked about before. I wasn’t sure how he felt about me still but then he put his arm around me and we cuddled a little. We started cuddling more after it was over and he started rubbing my stomach and pulled me towards him, then on top of him and we made out. I pulled away after a little because I wouldn’t have sex that easy and right away. I told him I was innocent and he guessed that I’m a virgin. He laughed a little but then went on to say he wasn’t innocent and telling me everything he’s done, and then he talked about his number and his exes. He told me all about them, esp. the last one where he said she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship but he was. We talked about his family too then eventually fell asleep, he cuddled me occasionally. In the morning, he drove me to my car at 6:30 (I had school), told him to text him when I got back and that we’d hang out soon.

    After that, he rarely talked to me, with the occasional text about our teams playing each other, and he invited me to his birthday (along with 145 other people on facebook).

    He doesn’t talk to me anymore and I keep wondering what I did. He gives shorter answers and doesn’t always respond. I’m confused and kind of hurt, I really started to like him. Why did this guy instantly stop talking to me? Is he backing off because he’s not ready for a relationship? Or was he using me for emotional support? Or could it be that I’m a virgin and he was only using me as a booty call? Thank you!!

  22. @Lianne….You didn’t do anything so stop worrying about that. This is about him, not you. He’s not over his ex, so he wasn’t serious about you in the first place. Sure, he liked you, and was attracted to you, but he probably just wanted to hang out and have sex with you. Honestly, he’s not ready for anything with anyone. You should move on. And frankly: The fact that he shared about all his past experiences tells us that he’s pretty immature, or pretty inconsiderate. Why would he do that after you told him you were a virgin? It doesn’t make a lot of sense to us.

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