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I’m 21, he’s 22. I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve dated twice and simply kissed in between that span of breaking up and making up. We’ve make odes of passion in plenty of topics, and plainly fought over who cares about whom between us. He never leaves me. It’s comforting.
Right now, it’s a Friends with Benefits kind of thing with some romantic gestures. He always gets or makes my favorite drink. He holds my hands and will spoon me all night, kiss me my favorite way and always makes sure I like what he’s doing. He talks to me about everything. We find each other both very mysterious and he tells me I’m addictive and that I’m the only one who’s kept up with him. He tells me I’m special, and all the things someone like me needs and yearns to hear and feel. He rubs my hands sweetly, kisses me and yet he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, therefore no relationship. I just wanted to feel completely loved by him and I’d love if he found out his path in life; but I feel unsure. He says he loves my smarts, humor, and passion and he recently for the first time said he’d want me later on. I don’t want to feel played around though. Sorry if this was really sporadic!
Thanks for your question. As far as you getting played. No, we don’t think so, because getting played connotes some sort of intent to deceive. We think he’s clearly into you, but not enough to commit. Guys like to feel settled in their own lives before they get involved in a serious relationship. They want to feel like they have some sort of direction, and that they’re moving towards their goals. This could be career related or life related. Without this, guys feel adrift. He falls into this category.
One thing to consider though. Some guys will use the, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” excuse, in order to keep a woman on hold. We can’t say for sure what’s truly going on with this guy, except that he’s not ready to give you what you’re looking for. And therein lies your dilemma. How long do you stick around hoping he’ll change? And is it possible he can even do the work he needs to do to change and grow, with you in his life? Sometimes people need to be alone in order for them to do the necessary work. Understand though, that once this guy gets his act together, he will be a different person; and that different person may or may not want to be with you. (And you with him.)
The last thing to consider is his age. He’s young. Guys take longer than women to mature and find themselves. The process of self-actualization could be a long one. He might be searching for another 5-10 years. What do you think about that possibility? We’d hate for you to get into a holding pattern and not be moving forward in your own life while you waited for him to do what he needs to do.
Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Leave them in the comments’ section below.
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More Relationship Advice and Dating Advice on Getting Played.