Am I getting played or not?

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Dear Guys,

I’m 21, he’s 22. I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve dated twice and simply kissed in between that span of breaking up and making up. We’ve make odes of passion in plenty of topics, and plainly fought over who cares about whom between us. He never leaves me. It’s comforting.

Right now, it’s a Friends with Benefits kind of thing with some romantic gestures. He always gets or makes my favorite drink. He holds my hands and will spoon me all night, kiss me my favorite way and always makes sure I like what he’s doing. He talks to me about everything. We find each other both very mysterious and he tells me I’m addictive and that I’m the only one who’s kept up with him. He tells me I’m special, and all the things someone like me needs and yearns to hear and feel. He rubs my hands sweetly, kisses me and yet he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, therefore no relationship. I just wanted to feel completely loved by him and I’d love if he found out his path in life; but I feel unsure. He says he loves my smarts, humor, and passion and he recently for the first time said he’d want me later on. I don’t want to feel played around though. Sorry if this was really sporadic!


Dear Valarie,

Thanks for your question. As far as you getting played. No, we don’t think so, because getting played connotes some sort of intent to deceive. We think he’s clearly into you, but not enough to commit. Guys like to feel settled in their own lives before they get involved in a serious relationship. They want to feel like they have some sort of direction, and that they’re moving towards their goals. This could be career related or life related. Without this, guys feel adrift. He falls into this category.

One thing to consider though. Some guys will use the, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” excuse, in order to keep a woman on hold. We can’t say for sure what’s truly going on with this guy, except that he’s not ready to give you what you’re looking for. And therein lies your dilemma. How long do you stick around hoping he’ll change? And is it possible he can even do the work he needs to do to change and grow, with you in his life? Sometimes people need to be alone in order for them to do the necessary work. Understand though, that once this guy gets his act together, he will be a different person; and that different person may or may not want to be with you. (And you with him.)

The last thing to consider is his age. He’s young. Guys take longer than women to mature and find themselves. The process of self-actualization could be a long one. He might be searching for another 5-10 years. What do you think about that possibility? We’d hate for you to get into a holding pattern and not be moving forward in your own life while you waited for him to do what he needs to do.

Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Leave them in the comments’ section below.

Take care,


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35 Comments on Am I getting played or not?

  1. Hey guys.. I got one for you that i’d love your feedback on. We are both 34. He had indicated he wasnt ready for a relationship. Red bells I know! Anyhow it took off heavy fast, lots and lots of text messages from him, all lovey and it raised alarms so i brought this to his attention early reminding him he didnt want to get attached and that if he didnt want anything not to be so full on. We agreed and cooled it but stayed in touch. This lasted a week before it picked up crazy heavy again and he was sending at least 30 texts a day for no reason about what he was doing or where he was at or what he should wear to something or that his having a bad day.. we started getting very attached. This went on for about 3 months and we started seeing eachother 3 times a week, he was adamant that he wanted to come to my birthday party, he met everyone and was all over me around my parents and all my friends. I never raised it with him about his actions cause I had hoped that his actions may have been showing me he had changed his mind and wanted this.. he would tell me he wanted me and kiss the back of my head as we would lay there, he would look into my eyes and sometimes his eyes would get teary.. one night on the phone he had a bit to drink and told me he loved me, when i questioned it he repeated yeah i do love you.. so i just went with it. He always chased me. I never had a chance to message him or call him cause he would pop up on my phone before i could. We talked about not being with anyone else and he also said it would bother him if i was. He took me to concerts, bought me things and shared his troubles with me and also sent me photos of his daughter when he was spending time with her telling me what they are doing. i met his mother one night when he invited me over and then told me she was going to drop in too. He told all his friends about me and i was known to them. ok so you get the gist… then one night we are laying in bed and as his looking into my eyes, stroking me hair he says, where do you think this is going cause if you want a relationship you know i cant give you that yeah, ive always been straight up with you..and granted yes he had at the start but i couldnt understand his actions, he was giving me everything, it was evident he could give me a relationship, he had been hadnt he?? I came clear with my feelings telling him i had fallen in love with him and that he was an amzing person.. i said he would need to let me go to move on. After a week of us not talking, I couldnt handle it, I wanted this guy in my life. I contacted him and we met up. He apologised for his actions and said he just didnt THINK, he just DID on impulse and thought of me all the time. It’s never gone back to being what it was but we are in touch, he has since taken me to concerts saying we will go as friends but when we meet, it’s all your sexy and hot and we are like a couple. His all over me, we kiss. He spent a whole weekend with me recently and we hung out, went out, acted like a couple. I’m in love with him but what i cant figure out now is why would he be staying in touch with me if things have died down and he knows he doesnt want anything and he didnt like that he hurt me recently and he claims we are friends but he still calls me sexy and spunk and send smiley faces blowing kisses to me at times and I dont know how to handle him.. alot of it also seems on his terms.. we havent caught up for 2 weeks, that’s the longest we have gone. He will send me a photo of his hair cut or a photo of his face saying ah long day… what is his go?? what’s your initial feelings on this? his a different guy, quite vulnerable, open but sad and regretful about things in his life with his daughter that he doesnt see as much as he’d like abnd he says the reason he cant do a relationship is because everything he has is for his daughter and he feels his not worthy of letting happiness in but then why is he still keeping in touch or chasing me? is he having trouble letting go too??

  2. Okay guys I need some feedback….. Met a guy six years ago they my work. We instantly had attraction and right off the bat became friends with benefits. Well we all know how that turns out. I ended up having feelings for him shared this with him and he suggested we don’t cross that line anymore and just remain good friends. Well we never did. We crossed that line time and time again off and on in between our other relationships always finding out way back to one another. Long story short, I spoke to him last year around his bday he was in a relationship I was too. I wished him well and that was it. He resurfaced a month later stating he broke up with gf and I was single too so we began talking again. Mind you he now live two hours away. We flirted talked and then a week later he disappeared. So again he was back with his gf. I’m off the radar. This was always the case. It was what I was used to with him. Well two weeks ago he called me. He is single and has been since Xmas. We talked caught up etc. I went to see him. He took me out on a fabulous date. Which he has never done in six years. Remember we were friends with benefits. Never had dates. He opened doors for me paid for everything. Said all the right things treated me like a lady. Well later that evening he dropped a BOMB on me, after six long years he finally tells me he blew it. He knows he did. He knows he hurt me he knows he messed up. We met at the wrong time. He was immature selfish and didnt care about anyone but himself. He went on and on even when I said stop, he said he had to tell me. I swear I was flattered and almost in tears. I said how are we gonna make this work? He said well…. I said we live two hours away, I don’t trust u, your gonna go dark like you always do, meaning disappear. He said I will have to prove it to you. I said yes u will. I also told him I was dating someone and had been for awhile but it Wasnt serious. This bothered him. Well we texted called all the following week. We spent the Fourth of July together he was nice treated me like a lady I was blown away. I was caught off guard and was a but sarcastic all day because I’m lot used to him being like this. I explained that to him. He said it was okay. I guess I was a bit bitchy. But we had a great day regardless. Well since the Fourth of July he has been slowly distant….. A one word reply to a text. I can send three texts and get no reply. Then I will get sorry was sleeping last night was a late night. Then I called last Friday said I was thinking if him asked him to call. He texted the next day said he was just back from work was tired hungry and wanted to sleep asked if he could call tomorrow. I said yes for sure. Ummmm he never did. That was Saturday. What the hell is going on??? He tells me how he feels and now goes dark? Did an old gf come back like usual??? That’s what I’m used to with this guy. Even tho he apologized for ever doing that. After all that he said recently he really would be a jerk for doing that again. He is a boat captain works out at sea alot. I’m not sure if he is on land or not. But I texted today. Said not sure what’s up if anything but like that we reconnected. I’m not interested in friends with benefits and u know that not sure if you have had a change of heart but let me know…… Well that was five hours ago. No reply….. Any male insight as to what’s going on or what I can or should do would be helpful. This sucks!!!!

  3. @Tracy……..He wants all the good things from you without the commitment. He wants the emotional support, the sex, the fun nights out, but he wants everything on his terms. He wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases and he doesn’t want to answer to you or anyone. Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you’re fine with this then by all means press on, but if not, it might be time to move on. He’s not going to change. Your call.

  4. @K……What’s going on? The SOS. Same old Shit. It takes a lot of work for people to change. He hasn’t. And probably never will. It’s time to move on and stop opening the door when he wants to crash the party. Metaphorically speaking. Good luck.

  5. Haha u guys r great!!! I hear ya. So pathetic and moving on. His loss.

  6. Thanks for your straight up advice to my post. From a guys perspective do you think the best way to move on would be to just stop replying the the texts he sends me because at the moment, im not messaging him but he is me and I am responding in a friendly happy way like im cool with everything.. i feel rude if i dont respond to him that he would be offended or hurt. We have had too many chats about “us” in the past and im pretty over the deep and meaningfuls so if my call is to move on, do you suggest I just start ignoring?? do you think this would bother him?

  7. In simple terms, I guess what im asking is what would be the most effective way to handle a guy like this if i was to choose to stop playing on his terms?

  8. @Tracy……..Sometimes you can’t be polite. Sometimes it takes being rude for the other person to finally get the message. Sure, he might get mad or upset, but down the road he’ll realize there was no other way around it. If you don’t draw the line these texts could go on indefinitely.

  9. Hey guys, I need your help. I have a guy who I’ve been friends with for about 7-8 years. We’ve known each other since we were kids. I’m 19 and he’s 21. We dated when we were younger, however, we were just kids and it wasn’t anything serious. For the past 5 years he had a relationship with this other girl who left him about 3-4 months ago for another guy. We hadn’t been consistently in contact until he contacted me these last few weeks to confide in me about the situation and to catch up on each other’s life. We got very close and talked all day and all night: on the phone, texting, video chatting etc. Last week he invited me to his party at his house that he was throwing for his friend. At the last minute he convinced me to go saying that he missed me and he wanted to see me since we haven’t seen each other in a very long time. I drove 2 hrs to see him, because he is currently living at his campus for the summer. We hung out all day before the party and treated me to lunch, dinner, the movies etc. I didn’t have to pay a dime and it felt awesome to have someone take care of me for once because that wasn’t usually the case with my past relationships. He seemed like he really liked me with him hugging me and keeping me close at the party and whatnot. His ex gf had apparently been dumped by the other guy she left him for within a month and was trying to crawl back into his life, which I advised him wasn’t a good idea after what she did to him. She texted him that night and they texted allll night. It was slightly annoying because I did come down there to chill and see him! He later tells me that he told her that we were hanging out at the party and she got upset and told him she was jealous and hurt. I told him that that was her decision to get rid of you and she’s gonna have to live with the fact you’re spending time with me. He agreed and we didnt talk about her for the rest of the night. Later that night we got really messed up and started making out and before anything happened he stopped and told me he couldn’t do it, and I could tell he was emotionally conflicted with himself which I understood, so I said that it was okay and that I understood. But then he did it a second time and then backed away and then it just hurt my feelings and offended me. Me being messed up, I just told him it was fine when he continuously apologized and felt bad. He proceeded to tell me that he “really really liked me” and that he needed to take the time to figure out himself and his ex gf before getting serious with me because he didn’t want to mess anything up. The next morning I left, but ever since then everything’s been awkward and not the same. He now hangs out with her and told me that they were trying to figure it out and that they were talking about the break up and everything. I’m trying to be a friend to support him and all, but it’s just getting really difficult for me. Do you think I have a chance with him? I know that only time will tell, but I can’t help but be inpatient. Meanwhile she’s being immature and posting nasty facebook statuses about me and it’s quite irking. I’m trying to pretend like I don’t notice so I don’t start drama with him on our end as well as theirs, but now I’m just wondering if this is really worth my time. The last time I talked to him, it sounded like he was leaning towards the fact that he’s trying to get back together with her, and it seemed like he wasn’t going to address OUR situation and just continue with what he’s doing. Sometimes he does give me mixed signals thinking he’s into me and such, but then he’s also got her which is cutting into our time of talking/hanging out etc. What should I do? Thanks!

  10. @Davi….You should pull back completely. Let him figure this out on his own. If and when he’s ready he’ll contact you. That means, be friendly, but don’t be the person available when he needs advice or someone to talk to. He can talk to his other friends about that stuff. And don’t get sucked into the drama. It’s not going to help your cause. It sounds like he likes you, but also has feelings for his ex. And if he does pursue you he wants to be very sure before he does, seeing that you are childhood friends, etc. We give him credit for trying to be a good guy. So back off and go have some fun without him. If it works it will work. And honestly, the older you two are when you do get together the more chance it will have to actually work out. But who knows: If you’re still open to meeting other guys you may meet someone in the meantime.

  11. Thanks for your input! However, before all these shenanigans and what not, we agreed to go to a concert together, which happens to be next week. Should I go? I feel weird backing out, because then he’ll no I feel uncomfortable.

  12. @Davi……Your call. Sorry. It’s hard to say. If he’s trying to get back together with his ex we’re not sure why he’s going with you. She can’t be happy about this. Once again, this whole situation seems too complicated. Maybe you can make an excuse and back out that way? Once again, your call.

  13. Hey guys,
    I am a 30 yr old dating a 36 yr old man. I was sent a text on Saturday that stated, “You are an awesome person, but just not ready for an everyday thing.” After a few text messages with no reply, I asked if we could talk about it. Unless it was just over. He responded that we would talk, but not today as it was a friend’s birthday. He has been struggling with consistent work, and struggling to pay his bills. He has stated to me in the past that he doesn’t feel like a man. He wondered how he could support me and my daughter if he couldn’t even support himself. I’ve always encouraged him, always built up his character. Everything just came out of the blue. But he will not respond to me. He will not provide an explanation. Not even a goodbye. I just want closure. And to know what the hell I did wrong. Broken and confused.

  14. Hi guys! I just wanted to hear some guys’ thoughts on this. I’m confused and hate having to keep guessing what’s going on in a man’s head. Met his guy online (he relocated here recently), we met and he pursued me. We are both 31. He kept asking me out and I didn’t sleep with him till I was comfortable with him (maybe 6-7 dates). He was sweet and generous and even took me for a trip after we met for a month. Things were going on great and we saw each other once or twice a week. We had great sex, cooked together and he even introduced his family to me via skype. We had lots of good time together and even went for a second holiday. But things started to change after. I thought he needed some space after days together but he just became distant and hostile. I don’t even recall we had any tension or argument before that. He used to plan for future dates but he stopped and said how busy he was. He told me his schedule but they seemed to change everytime (not sure if he was lying). When I asked if he wanted to go for a date the following week (like how he would ask me in the past), he asked me to go on one (with someone else). I don’t know what went wrong? Is he a player and just chasing me for the thrill? When I asked if we were exclusive after 2 months, he said he wanted to hold off commitment, he’s not looking for something serious at the moment. I even found out he seemed to be sleeping with others while he was seeing me. I feel so hurt and deceived. Why did he put in so much effort if its casual from the beginning? Is it just a crappy excuse to chase me away? After he said that, he asked if I was still okay seeing him on a casual term (with him seeing other people). Of course not! The next day, I told him,”No I couldn’t do it” and he said bye like nothing has ever happened. What a jerk!? Tell me he has no feelings??? Does he? If I haven’t asked, I reckon he’s going to keep it from me till the day he picks one of the girls he’s seeing to settle for more (if that day ever comes). I don’t know, he once said he’s older and respectful now, he never lied… He always praised me and said he enjoyed being around me, we got along and had great sex. But everything seems to be a lie now. I haven’t been in touch since the day he said bye. Does a guy actually feel remorseful… will he ever contact me again? I can’t believe with all the memories we created, it means nothing to him??

  15. @Erica…..We’re really sorry. Much of the time, breakups don’t come with explanations. He changed his mind and is too cowardly to sit down with you and be honest. He’s not the guy for you. We’re sorry. Hang in there. And understand: You did nothing wrong. Sometimes people just can’t deal. It happens all of the time. Take care.

  16. @pop……We’re sorry, but we doubt he’ll contact you again, unless he’s lonely and/or horny. We know that sounds harsh, but this guy isn’t looking for what you’re looking for. So even though he came across that way, he was really just looking for a good time. He’s doing the same with these other girls. There’s not much you can do except chalk it up to experience and then move on. There are good guys out there. Be patient and hang in there. ps. You did nothing wrong. This stuff happens all of the time. But you’ve got to talk about things BEFORE sex.

  17. Thank you guys! I’m wondering if I can remain friends with him after these (not now but later on), but not sure if this is even worth the effort. Do you think its impossible? I enjoyed hanging out with him before we slept together and now wish I never did. He said during the goodbye I could ask him out for a drink, at that moment it felt like it would never come true. I’m moving on but at this moment, I still hate to erase his existence in my life. I know with time I will…

  18. @Pop…..We’re not sure if it will be good for your emotional well-being. So we’d say no on the friendship piece. But your call. Good luck and take care.

  19. Hi Guys, I have been dating online since may 2011. I meet him in social chat and we start chat almost everyday. I’m from Asian n he’s an aussie. he’s a marine. we chat everyday and also use cam (but only me show my cam), he’s not cause he says he is in duty n wont allow to show cam there. on our earlier chat he already call me baby then call me hun. he tell me every little about him, his family, his ex, his job n etc, so do I. we continue start chat everyday while show my cam. after a month, he start call me wifey and call him self as my hubby, he say he will marry me, he say he really love me and want me to mother for all his child. he promise me to meet me after back from his duty. after some months, he ask more and we do it everytime we talk cause i am already fall in love with him. once time, we fight cause i am being doubt about him and tell he must be playing with my feelings and after that he never online for more than 1 months (he never reply my text). when I’m already try to move on, he’s text me back and say he get injured and hospitalized thats why he never online and he said he back to his country. we are chat like before. suddenly when he already back to his country, i ask him to show his cam cause almost 1 years we chat, i am never see his cam, he just show his photo but he say he will show his cam when he’s already heal in means 1 month more. after a month, i ask him to show his cam but he still wont show it, i ask his mobile number but he wont give it to me and since the time, he never reply all my text anymore. we never talk for more than 2 months. suddenly, he send me text say tht he had problems, he wont come to meet me, he dont hv think to marry and I should move and marry with other man and also dont wait for him anymore. Though its hurt me, i take his words and move on. after 4 months he send me text again, he ask about hkws my life going on and i say, i take you words, i already move on and being with new going, after he read my text, he deleted me from his contact (i know it cause we use ym for talk) and he never reply my text. i keep move with new guy but my mind still on him, and i become online again and add him again and he accept it in few minutes after that we start chat and he say he miss me so much and i say i miss him too and he ask me to try build our relationship again, and i say yes (i break with my new guy). since the day, we talk everyday but with my rule: dont say miss or love to each other except we meant it. so we continue talk everyday without say miss or love. after a week, he start say he miss me and love me and he say he meant it, he say he want marry me and want me to be mother of all his child (he say when we break, he slept wid other girl, he say it all to me without i ask). he already show his cam to me in every chat. when i ask his mobile number, he give it to me. he’s try to online everyday to talk and cam2cam with me and in every chat, he always call me wife, he say he love me so much, he say he want child from me. he’s plan to meet me (it will be our 1st meet), spend time with me and then bring me to his country as Mrs. he say he will do it after he’s upgrade his apartemen from 2 bed room being 3 bed rooms and now he’s in duty again (but now as volunteer) to get extra $ so he can realize upgrade his apartemen. (I am sorry talk too much)
    is he trully serious to marry me or he just play with me?, i really need to know it. thanks for read this and I’m wait for the answer. thanks guys.

  20. Hi guys,

    A xdate got in contact with me again after two-three months. I end the contact because I refused to be his friend. (Because friend was all he could offer when he was with an anouther girl). He diden´t like my choice at all. However here he is again- asking me how it is. I told him I am going to meet a friend with benifits and a blinddate. This was planned before he contact me. He seemed to diden´t like that but later changed his mind. Some day later I wanted to give him the chance to meet me. He had by then visit my town with a guy friend. He told me he wanted to wait after the xx oct because he was going to meet a blinddate his friend had made for him. I told him that I was not accepting to be his b-plan and that I would leave again if he decided to date her. Fun for him but I would not hang in there waiting for him. I also asked him if he really was intrested to see me at all.

    He told me he was, because he had contact me when he was single as I told him long ago. He also gave me alot and alot of compliments. Baby that and baby etc. He told me he wanted to be nice, that he wanted to wait until I diden´t have that much studies. He also told me “lets se how our dates works out, maybe they are very bad.

    He promise me to tell me what he wants after his date.

    Is he using me as a b-plan? Is he lying to me?
    Do he wants to make place for his new date? Why even keep in contact with me if so?

    My english sucks, I know,

    Best regards

  21. I’m in need of advice. I’ve been in an intimate friendship with this guy for about 3 years or so now and things have been intimate between us all the time. A while ago I started confronting him about a relationship but he always overlooks it or changes the subject. Recently I always argue with him because I accuse him of just using me for sex. He always responds with I can’t blame him for not wanting a relationship, or we need to take things slow (bearing in mind the sex part is always there) but he does have strong feelings for me. Many many times I’ve tried to cut him off but he always seems to manipulate his way back into my knickers again, then the cycle starts again. For someone who says he has strong feelings for me, I’ve never met his family, the only time I’ve been to his house was when his mum went on holiday (& that was only to get intimate), and he’s always putting off a relationship. He believes that it doesn’t need a title to be official but I believe the total opposite as I do everything that’s required of the title anyway so where am I going wrong? Do I kick him to the curb one last & final time (if so, how? Without allowing him to manipulate me again), or what do I do? Help!!

  22. Hey guys! I have a question regarding FWB. So I work with this guy that recently asked me for my number saying he wants a new texting friend….which was fine with me. We used to text back and forth a lot and then started hooking up sexually. Weird thing is the texting has become seldom….we talk all day at work…flirt back and forth and recently he told me he likes to tell me everything going on with him when I asked why he said that he is comfortable with me and that I’m the only girl who ever gives feedback. One thing I should mention is his family is very religious so he isn’t allowed the normal dating life….so its basically when he has a chance to get out of his house, anyways that being said…..he plays and
    with me at work and makes comments about times we spend together he’s open and funny and doesn’t try to much to hide it….but he never texts or calls except random times saying he’s sad or having a bad day and wants my opinion or advice….I’m super confused….so he likes me fels comfortable with me tells me everything but hardly texts or calls. Whats up?

  23. Hi guys, I met a guy online and we swopped numbers and chatted on and off through whatsapp. We chatted every second day on whatsapp before suddenly he started to become really distant. I think he got fed up because I was always travelling a lot due to work and he thought he would never ever meet me. Work wasn’t an excuse either. I really do have a demanding job.

    Anyway, I was seeing a friend in the same town so I asked if he wanted to meet up. He said he did. So we met up very briefly and it went well. I was still in the area a week later and he asked me out to dinner. I thought it went really well. I stayed over because I missed the last train and left the next morning. Nothing happened. We’re both committed Christians and don’t believe in sex before marriage. I don’t know if I’m the slow type of girl but I felt he came on very strongly and I did give him a bit of the cold shoulder. Mostly because I couldn’t believe how much in common we had and yes, I’m a little gun shy.

    A few weeks passed. I couldn’t see him due to work and travelling abroad. I saw him again and all he spoke about was his wonderful bipolar ex and a few other things that were just silly. I don’t know what he was trying to do but it was all very awkward. It was like he was trying to be this Mr Macho Cool Man. Which I’m not particularly impressed by. I also think he was trying to get a reaction or make me jealous because he seemed to get a bit irritated. I just changed the topic and spoke about other things. Then before I left to get onto a train he, I’m almost certain, tried to kiss me but after all that talk about his crazy ex girlfriend and whatever else I wasn’t all that interested.

    I was really so confused by his behaviour. I then went abroad on holiday for a few weeks to see my family. He acted as if he didn’t know about this. I just ignored him. It suddenly came to light that I’m having to relocate because of work. Incidentally not very far from where he lives. I started looking for a place. Stupidly in all my excitement of moving closer to all my friends I told him and everyone else.

    We met up last Saturday to catch up. I wasn’t really keen to see him to be honest. In fact I left the meeting up part plans right until Saturday morning. I got talking to a guy outside the train station who was from the same country as me. Needless to say M turned up and he was really pretty rude to the guy. All very unnecessary. I wasn’t trying to make him jealous either.

    So we got talking and he said he thought I had said I was definitely moving to a town near to him. Meanwhile all I had said was I had found something with potential incidentally really close to him. I never intended to make it seem like I was messing him around. To put it bluntly I wouldn’t move to a town or a nearby town on a notion that a guy might like me. He then went on saying I should move to specific towns closer to the city. I’m working in the city. All these towns are easily computable for him. In fact they’re all right by him. When I asked him about his opinion about a town on the other side of the city, he said he wouldn’t live there without a specific reason and became funny when I questioned that.

    Anyway, we both left a bit annoyed and I suppose we should have really chatted about all of what I said/did next then. Later that day I asked my friends what they thought I should do. I really do think I like this guy. Despite the nonsense about his ex girlfriend on the third date. We generally have a lot in common but we both seem to run hot and cold on each other.

    With everything going on I sent him a message saying we probably shouldn’t see each other or text or whatever for awhile because I think I have feelings for him but I don’t want to mess up the friendship (assuming he just wants to be friends? I don’t even know where he stands). I went on to say I wanted to be honest with him and I didn’t want any weirdness between us with me complicating things by liking him more than a friend. I then went on to say I hoped the next few weeks went well for him. I meant all of that sincerely.

    Well he didn’t reply. I’m not sure if it’s because of the part where we shouldn’t see each other or communicate etcetera but if he really liked me back then surely he would have replied? I think reading all of this it does seem like between the two of us we have both been doing a few things wrong. I just think it’s fair to know where a person stands. I’m not sure whether I should end things and never see him again. I just feel frustrated about all of this and maybe all of this is not even worth it.

  24. I’m in a 6- month relationship with a younger guy. I’m 52; he’s 41. I’m previously married; he’s never married. We hit it off famously! Things are going well, and we’ve only had one major fight where we didn’t speak to each other for 24 hours. My first question is this: DO GUYS JUST SAY WHAT THEY’RE THINKING IN THE MOMENT WITHOUT REALIZING THAT THEIR COMMENTS COULD HAVE LASTING EFFECTS? With that question asked, here’s some background. He fell for me pretty quickly, but we’d done some intense texting back and forth. I don’t mean intense as in sexual; it was intense as in finding out about each other. We love each other and have no problems expressing this verbally, and twice lately he has said “marry me eventually” and “I’m gonna marry you.” When he commented “marry me eventually”, he could tell I was shocked. He said, “well, would you eventually?” I told him that I would, and he let me know that he wasn’t asking me at that moment. We have discussed moving in together, and he texted me “I woke up and want to start packing to be with you because I’m my happiest when I’m with you.” He has no problems stating his feelings over text, although he does tell me he loves me while we’re together, too. He hasn’t made any moves toward moving in with me yet, and I had to wonder if he just said that “in the moment” he was feeling it. I know about the “actions matching words” routine, and you need to know that this is a guy who lives 1.5 hours away from me and drives to see me on Saturdays (3 hrs round trip) to spend time together. We laugh all the time, have a great time together, and genuinely like each other. I feel that his actions of coming to see me on the weekends, after driving 1.5 hours one way to work every day, says that he’s genuinely interested and investing in the relationship. I’m just waiting for him to “make good” on the words he spoke about an eventual marriage and/or moving in. He is very in tune with emotions and has said to me (using “you” to be about both of us) “You can tell me all day long how much you love me. It’s your actions that I will watch. You show me that you love me by wanting to spend time with me all the time.” I feel that he understands that emotion. We talk/text daily. He calls on his long drive to work and home and usually calls and/or texts a few times during work just to see what I’m doing. My second question is this: DOES THIS GUY SEEM INTERESTED ENOUGH TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

  25. @Blondie…..First of all, thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it! AND your kind words. Now to your question. (We may need a little more information here.) Some questions for you: Do you see each other every Saturday? Does he ever stay over and spend the entire weekend with you? And if not, why not? Because to us, that would be a first step toward making good on his bold statement of wanting to move in with you and eventually marry you. It just seems odd that he’s not staying the night and spending the whole weekend with you since he’s supposedly in love with you and doesn’t get to see you during the week. Please clarify. So basically you need to be careful here. Long distance relationships are tricky. What we mean is, it’s easy to be on good behavior for a day or two at a time. But the true test to see if this will work is if/when the two of you start seeing each other every day. That’s when you get to see the many sides to a person. That said, yes, he does seem interested in you and is making a decent effort to see you. And it’s good that he’s able to communicate verbally how he’s feeling. So all in all, this relationship is off to a decent start. But we need more information here. So we have a few more questions: So how come you don’t visit him? And what actually happened that precipitated you not speaking for 24 hrs. (Please fill us in and we’ll respond back in this thread.)

  26. Guys: To answer your questions, here goes! Yes, we see each other every Saturday. The reason it’s only Saturday (and why he doesn’t stay over) is because he has animals to take care of and over 29 tanks of fish. You might ask if he has someone who could pop over and do this for him. He does, but he’s very particular about his fish. Because he works such a long distance from work (and works 5 p.m. to 2 a.m.), he sleeps during the day and uses Sundays to shop, do laundry, etc. I asked him last weekend why he wouldn’t stay over, and he responded with “I’m a homebody.” I know this could suggest that there’s a “someone” at home, and my telling you that just tonight we’ve been on the phone several times doesn’t help–it’s just that he spends so much time with me (on the phone while driving, at work, etc.) that I don’t see how he’d have time for anybody else. On Sundays, we talk and text, so I know there’s nobody around…I’m educated, and believe me I’ve thought of the scenarios. As for moving in, he stated last weekend that we should just hang around the house and “see where we want to put things” (fish tanks in the garage, house, etc.), so I thought that was a positive thing. Yes, I realize it’s just words right now, so I’m not getting too bent out of shape about it. I’ve NEVER said anything about marriage at all, and the fact that he’s brought it up several times excited me. I said to him “since you told me you don’t like being apart either, what do you think about my coming to see you on Sundays?” He didn’t balk at the idea at all…it was just a couple of weeks ago and I’ve had things going on. As for what precipitated the not speaking for 24 hours…I said something ugly to him (“what the hell”) when I couldn’t find him in the store and had to go looking for him. I used a very mean tone, which is very unusual for me, and he wouldn’t talk to me or let me touch him on the drive home. So, I “leaned back” and let him come to me. When he kept texting me on the drive home, I knew he was just mad. The next evening, at work, he texted “so, are you enjoying this yet?” to which I replied “no…are you?” He texted me all night from work and on his drive home, but we didn’t talk on the phone. (This happened on a Sunday…we talked for the first time on Tuesday afternoon on his way to work.) He was very humble on the phone and, although he didn’t apologize, his tone was very apologetic. Things have been fine since then. He always sends the most romantic texts on Sundays, and we aren’t always intimate on Saturdays. Sex isn’t the basis for our relationship, and it works for us. One more thing…he told me last Saturday that he needs to finish out his lease before moving. A new realty company took over the house, and he wasn’t sure how many more months were left but said it was less than six. We laugh constantly, and he tells me that he smiles more than he ever has with me. (A little background: he was given up by his Mom as a young boy and had a hard childhood. He is an ex-MMA cage fighter with a tough exterior but a heart of gold. He has told me several times that he “couldn’t find what I was looking for” until he met me. I’ve rambled…hope the information you need is here.

  27. @Blondie…..Thanks for filling us in. We actually didn’t get the sense he had someone else at home, but more that he was set in his ways. And from what you describe this may be true. However, he also seems like someone who recognizes a good thing when he sees it. Here’s what we suggest: (And this isn’t going to be a huge revelation) Just go with the flow. He seems into you, and you into him. But it’s early. And the distance will make things go more slowly. So just enjoy each other, don’t pressure him, and see how things unfold. Let him be the one to initiate any sort of movement forward. (As long as you’re okay being patient.) And if things go on for a bit too long for your tastes reach back out to us and we’ll offer some more opinions/ideas. All in all, things sound very nice so far. Remember: Relationships might require lots of work and compromise, but they should also be a lot of fun. You’re going in a good direction. Enjoy! Keep us posted. (Note: Our site may be coming down so don’t be surprised down the road if you don’t see it. Sorry. It’s good that you got this question in now.)

  28. Guys: One more thing…what do you think about these facts: After six months together, 1) I still haven’t met his daughter but have met his mom and brother, 2) I’ve never been to his place 1.5 hours away, 3) he insists on using a condom in an exclusive relationship. Yesterday was Saturday, and we didn’t go out because he has a sinus infection. He said his daughter was sick too and was coming to his house. He texted me at 2 p.m. with chitchat. We bantered back and forth for about an hour. The last text was mine at 3 p.m.–he didn’t respond until 7 p.m. Then, I got nothing from him until 2 a.m. when he said “I dozed off.” When he interrupted our phone call on Friday to take another one, my suspicions were that he was talking to another gal. He had been a little “weird” during the week, but he gets that way when he’s getting sick, too. Later Friday night, he said we probably wouldn’t be able to do anything until Saturday, because of his daughter coming over. He said he told her to call him Friday night to let him know if he should pick her up, because she lives near his work. It seemed to me that, maybe, he was waiting to hear from “some gal” to see if she could make plans on Saturday and put me off until Sunday. Again, I may be overly suspicious and overanalyzing things again. Not hearing from him from 7 p.m. until 2 a.m. kinda made me feel weird, because anybody can text from anywhere. He has a habit of texting others when we’re out…I just don’t ask questions. HELP! It’s Sunday, and I’m hoping to hear from him as to whether we’re going anywhere today. No, I don’t sit around and wait but we’re in a relationship and I think he deserves at least one weekend day.

  29. OOPS! I meant he said we wouldn’t be able to do anything until Sunday because of his daughter’s illness…not Saturday as in the original post.

  30. Sorry to fill up the blog, but I got the Sunday text “I feel like crap.” I texted “Are you just gonna stay in and rest?” He responded with “don’t know, why?” I texted “Didn’t know if you wanted to get out…we have so much fun together.” No response. A half hour later I texted “I love you.” In 26 minutes, he responded “Love you too.” My gut is telling me things are not okay. Is this the temporary “guy pullback” or something more?

  31. @Blondie…..These new facts confirm what we originally thought: That he’s not making an effort to take this to the next level. That’s why we asked you all of those questions in our first response. But most of your replies were rosy so we dropped it. But honestly, we get the sense that he enjoys this arrangement. He gets to enjoy your company when he pleases but he also gets to keep you at arm’s distance so he can do whatever else he’s doing. Crazy work is just an excuse. And you’re right. If he hasn’t introduced you to his daughter yet then it’s unlikely he’s thinking about taking this to the next level. We’d be very careful here. Something is going on. And while we don’t want to assume he’s got another woman, he’s up to something. It could be as simple as: He knows that you want more and he’s not ready to take the next step. Or it could be that he has other women in the picture. It might be time for a heart-to-heart, don’t you think? However, if he is cheating on you, you may or may not hear the truth. Good luck. And sorry.

  32. hey guys, I have a problem. I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for 7 months now. Started out great including him calling me at least once a day. Then he took me out…and brought one of his friends. I didn’t think anything of it at first cause he said the guy just had a break up and didn’t wanna be alone that night. Then he took me to a concert…brought another friend with him to pick me up, went with a ton of his friends, but when we got back to his house i spent the night and nothing happened. i mean i had to tell him to snuggle with me. the next day we met his friends for lunch, then he called everybody possible to try to see if someone would ride with us to take me home, and i’m glad nobody would go. i also live an hour from him by the way. anyways, after this time together i began thinking about how he did me at the concert…he was such a social butterfly with his friends that i don’t even know where he was half of the time. But right before we left a guy at the bar tried to talk to me twice and the second time, he saw it and he said we were leaving before he got into a fight. So he was obviously jealous even though he had left me alone for a lot of the time. So i addressed all this to him. And we argued. And he quit talking to me. Then we started talking again a month later, and we have been arguing really easily ever since. He also doesn’t call me like he used to anymore, and his excuse for that is that he’s busy. But he will call me every time he’s drinking and every now and then out of the blue. Now the physical part. He took me to hang out with a bunch of his friends one time and I got really drunk. I ended up initiating and it happened. He constantly asked if i was sure I wanted to do it, and i persisted. So I’m the one who started the physical aspect of everything. The next time we were together and drinking, we just spent some alone time at his house and we had so much fun together just talking and laughing. Then we went to his friends house and drank more. At the end of the night the same thing happened…except we were not that drunk at all. Since then I’ve noticed he’s gotten a lot more jealous about some things. So i asked if he saw anything serious with me or if i was in the friend zone. He said…sometimes he doesn’t think he’ll ever date again. So i took it as i’m just a friend. Then he started saying he missed me and wanted to see me…and he never does that unless he’s trying to smooth over an argument maybe. So this past weekend, he came over and took me out. Just me and him. I thought we were just hanging out…until he got on the phone with his aunt and his cousins and told them he was on a DATE. So he finally took me out on a date…just me and him. And it was so great right down to him singing to me as he left out of his drive way. And we were not drinking this time. But my problem is this…since the date, he has backed off a lot. He’s been super short in texts and when I asked him if I had done something wrong…he said no and that he just goes in his shell from time to time. Then I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked him to tell me what exactly is going on here…and I have yet to here anything at all from him. I just don’t know what to do. One minute we’re great. The next we’re not, and it’s been this way for 7 months! I really do believe I’ve fell in love somewhere along the way, but part of me says to move on, and part of me says to just give him time. Also i need to add that he hasn’t been in a relationship in a long time…and from very vague comments, I get the vibe that his last girlfriend seriously hurt him. Being all that…what should I do?

  33. Hello, I was hoping to get a guys opinion. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and moved to another state for school. At school I met a guy that I had a lot in common with and we hit it off well I thought. He is from another state and had to move back there when school was done in three months. Things progressed pretty fast and we were together every day, I pretty much lived at his apartment during that time. We were intimate as friends with benefits because I had recently gotten out of a relationship and he would have to move back to his state(8 hours away) when school ended. School ended and he had to go back to his home. We still texted every day and talked about meeting up occasionally while continuing being friends with benefits. I noticed he started seeming somewhat distant and I thought it was because of stress from work and family. He would still text me every day. I noticed my feelings for him had gone beyond friend and I told him about it right away. This is the conversation we had. “I’ve been thinking a lot and I’m not sure if I can do the friends with benefits thing. I have known friends who did it and things went badly. I have also been reading about it and it seems a lot of people have problems. One of the big problems is that someone does have feelings for the other person and the other doesn’t feel the same. I do like you a lot already and it seems like you are more into a casual good time, which is okay. I’m just afraid I’m hoping for something more. I’m very unsure of things and I’m still upset over things with my ex(I don’t have feelings for him, I won’t get into details unless you care to know). I can tell that my insecurities are becoming a problem already and I know you have a lot of your own issues to handle so I don’t want to add to yours. I’m sorry I’m so unsure about things right now. I hope you’re not upset.” Me “Nope not upset outs your call and I respect it :)” Him “Can you be frank with me? How do you feel about me? And if I did live near you would you really have been in a committed relationship with me? I feel like I get on your nerves a lot.” -Me “We shall remain friends I could tell you have been getting attached so I’ve been trying to distance myself from you” him “Yea I would of been” -him ” If you would have been then why distance yourself? I can only see distancing yourself from someone that you aren’t interested in pursuing something more with.” -Me “Because it’s not something we can do right now. I can tell being apart isn’t working for us. And we have a very long time to be apart. Not saying we won’t ever but right now I think our relationship is causing you more harm than good.” -Him “It was more so you distancing yourself I thought I did something wrong or that you were getting tired of me or something. I am not ready for a committed relationship. what I really need is a close friend to talk to. I wouldn’t mind friends with benefits but I do like you and if you just want something casual with no emotions then I would be putting more strain on you. I probably sound like a nutcase but the thought had crossed my mind that if things went well maybe we could try to get a job at a store together or something in the future.” -Me “Let just not worry too much on what we are right now. Let just see what happens when we both have time to meet up again. See how we feel” -him “Are you still going to distance yourself from me?” -Me “I just don’t want you getting attached to much unless we can see each other at least once a month. It’s just not practical. I can’t end up dating a girl for 2 years and not have hung out with her Moe than like 6 months worth.” -him “I agree with you. I think this is a great a time for us to become closer as friends and get to know each other better and maybe later it can be something else. I’m glad we cleared the air, I feel better(my friend told me to say that) I care about you a lot and I don’t want you to distance yourself however f you do still feel you need to I understand.” -me… He didn’t respond after that. Do you think he sounds sincere? Do you think he likes me or it was just casual for him? If he didn’t like me why not come out and say it? Could he be stringing me along by leaving things open? He never said he liked me but never said he didn’t. It’s rather confusing for me. Did I handle the situation poorly? This is all new to me. I have only had long term committed relationships. My recent ex repeatedly lied to me and snuck around so I feel as if my perception is a bit skewed. Thank you in advance for any insight you can give me

  34. Kevin Drake // January 16, 2014 at 3:14 pm //

    I’m having some trouble trying to get the girl I love back now my friends when I ask them they say she’s just playing me but I don’t believe them I care about her a lot she means so much to me we dated for like three days but the thing is she said we were just taking a break and she was hurt because she had to say this and its been a month now and she’s been with another guy for a month but me and her talk all the time how me and her talk you would think were still together we cant stay mad at each other no matter what we get into this big argument we might go a day or two but we end up texting each other or meet up in person and make up she really cares about me she would never hurt me how I see it is that yeah she’s with this guy now but in the end she wants me as a long term thing were both juniors in high school she’s 17 and I’m 16 but I’m about to turn 17 were only a month and a quarter age difference she really likes me she says she still wants to be with me but just not right now and my friends look at that like she’s just playing me she’s been hurt a lot in the past and I’ve been there for her through out it all even though she’s with this guy me and her hang out outside of school I take her out to dinner I take her to the movies and everything and she tells me that it reminds her of why she fell for me in the first place the guy she’s with is a freshman and he doesn’t even try to show any compassion just the other day he was told by her best friend that he couldn’t date her without his permission and the guy says since he wont ask he must not love you and then the freshman says she knows I love her I looked at him like he was stupid cause he wont prove to anybody that he loves her she had to pull his hand out of his pocket just to hold his hand me and her hug each other all the time I kiss her on the head and stuff like that but she’s still with him and my friends say she’s playing me but I don’t think so I wrote her a poem I spilled my heart out to her to show how much I love her and usually that would be weird to a girl and she would think your clingy or annoying but she likes it she loves it when I do that kind of stuff I’m sweet to her I will never hurt her I just don’t know how long I’m going to have to wait on her. I would appreciate some help from you guys cause my friends aren’t really helping.

  35. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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