Am I his backup plan?

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for almost a year now. Ever since we met we clicked. We have hung out a few times and he texts me quite frequently. He is always saying he misses me and likes me, but yet he doesn’t come and see me. (We live 1 hour and 30 minutes away from each other.)

We have so many things in common and he has told me that he loves spending time with me. The problem is that he doesn’t want to commit. He told me he’s not ready for a relationship and would like to just go with the flow to see how things turn out. He also told me he doesn’t want to stop talking to me. I don’t know if I should wait for him to commit or not. I am looking for a healthy relationship but I don’t want to wait on it for long, although I really like him.

He has a four-year-old daughter and I’m aware of the situation I would be getting into. We have kissed a few times and held hands before like we were a couple. He shows he cares but he doesn’t come to visit me; he doesn’t show he misses me, and for me, actions speak louder than words. This is really confusing!

So, is he just trying to have me as a back up? Is he playing with me? Is he taking me seriously? Should I wait around for him or am I just wasting my time?

Thank you for your help. I know the obvious answer but just wanted to get a guy’s perspective.



Dear Aly,

Thanks for your question.

We agree that actions speak louder than words. If he wanted a relationship with you, he’d be making much more of an effort to see you. You didn’t say how often you do see him, but it’s likely, he visits when he’s bored, lonely, or horny. (Sorry to be so blunt.)

We’re not saying he doesn’t find you attractive or interesting, but he’s definitely keeping you on the back burner. And frankly, that’s easy for him to do. He lives 90 minutes away from you. It’s very likely he’s pursuing other women in the town he lives in. It’s a great situation for a guy who has no plans on committing to anyone. He can have multiple women without the risk of having any of them run into each other.

If you are really serious about this guy, you might need to be a bit more forward with him. Clearly, you don’t want to wait around for him to figure this all out. And if he’s recently separated or divorced, it’s probably going to be a long time before he’s ready to jump back into something serious. So we don’t see the harm in asking him what his intentions are. You don’t have much to lose, as far as we can see. If he gives you the run around, and tells you he’s interested but not sure, then you’ll have your answer. Any answer other than, “I want to be in a relationship with you” is just his way of telling you that he’s not interested in committing to you. Then you can decide what you want to do. Right now you’re giving him all the power. It’s time to take back some of the control.

Remember: Guys usually have a good sense of what they want from a woman right from the start. (Serious relationship. Casual Relationship. Marriage material. Booty call. FWB) When a guy feigns cluelessness, it means he’s giving you the run around.

Good luck,


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