Am I too “nice?”

Hey Guys,

I was just curious about the term “nice.” Is it possible that girls can be too “nice” to actually be approached, or too “nice” to date and have a relationship with? Are “nice” girls only marriage material and not girlfriend material?

I am 21 years old and will be a college senior this coming year. I was hoping that college would be a time for me to be more social, find friends, maybe even have a boyfriend. However, my time is coming up as I have only one year left, and needless to say I have never had a boyfriend, or even a guy friend. I am not quite sure why. I am not unattractive, I dress comfortably, I have a wide range of interests, I enjoy a good conversation, and I’ve traveled the world; yet I can be shy sometimes… okay most of the time… around guys.

Nothing has ever really worked out between me and a guy, not even close. For example I live in a house next to guys, and we didn’t really hang out with them. But sometimes we did, and it would be for hours, and we had a lot of fun. However, I sorta got close with one of them, hooked up with him, and then never heard from him again. And he was my neighbor.. And that was not the first time that I have only been used for physical purposes with guys who I thought were friends, and then they never spoke to me again.

There are two guys that I work with who are very friendly, and very good looking. We work at a restaurant, and I sometimes speak with them in passing while at work (as I work in the front, and they in the back), and I always smile and ask how they are doing, how their weekend was, etc. and always help out when I can if they need help. (If anybody needs help, not just the two guys)

I also sometimes bake things to bring in. Over the summer, things quiet down, and there are not many college kids left in town, so people typically get together to hang out. Yet, I have never been invited to hang out with anyone. I am not anti-social, and I enjoy a good party as much as the next person, yet why don’t I have any friends this summer? Guy 1 lives right down the street from me (though he has a girlfriend), why can’t we even become friends? We had many things in common when I first met him. Guy 2.. well I kinda like him but won’t allow myself to like him anymore than that because I know it will just leave me lonely because nothing will come of it. He had mentioned once a possible big group get together dinner, but it never happened. I ran into him at a bar a few months ago, and he bought me a drink for my birthday, and I told him I owed him a drink, and he said no.. I just don’t really understand. They are both very friendly (in conversation, and jokes) with the other girls that work at the restaurant, perhaps more so than with me, and from what I understand they even hang out sometimes.

Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to bake more things to bring in? I am not desperate, I have not been around the block, and I am just a genuine person who is shy sometimes. People have told me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? Am I not even worth it to a guy? Am I not girlfriend material?

Thank you for your help!

Meg

Dear Meg,

Thanks for your question, or should we say questions.

The term “nice” can mean many different things depending on the context. When people say you are being too nice they’re really saying you’re making it too easy for people. (Baking, helping them out, etc.) Sometimes people can even be perceive this type of nice as being desperate. (We’re not saying you are.)

If a guy says you are just “so nice” what he’s really saying is he is not physically attracted to you enough to think of you any other way but nice. In actuality, it has nothing to do with being nice or not, it has to do with what they think you don’t have—the features they want—not what you do have—being nice.

So our response? Don’t change who you are. If you are nice, stay nice. The right kinds of guys will appreciate that, you just haven’t met them yet. (And yes, you are definitely girlfriend material.) But having said that, also, please don’t go overboard. Don’t bake extra cakes, or muffins just to be extra nice. In fact, you might want to dial it back a little when it comes to being nice to guys.

You see, guys like a bit of a challenge, a chase. If you come on strong and starting doing things for them, they see you as a pushover, and someone they can take advantage of, but not keep around for the long haul. (Sounds like this is already happening a bit.) We would suggest waiting to start offering to “help” people until you’re actually dating someone, or in a relationship, not before.

Bottom line: You sound like a sweet person. Don’t change. Don’t let your frustrations make you bitter. You’re meeting the wrong guys right now. Or, you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. Think about what you enjoy, and look to meet people doing those sorts of things, not guys who just happen to live close to you. Also, see if your friends know some nice guys, maybe even your family. (Yes, your parents even. You might be surprised.)

We hope this helps clarify some things. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. (Leave in the comments section below.)

Thanks,

THE GUYS

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6 Comments on Am I too “nice?”

  1. Dear Guys,
    First of all I want to let you all know that I am new at this, I’ve tried everything before but this is the first time I am posting something.
    Everything happened 7 months ago, we meet up in april 2011 and I knew how much I liked him from the begining. It is not easy for me to like a man straight away, I first have to get to know him and offcourse find him attractive. We went out a cuple of times that week, he slept at my place but nothing happened. He had his ex girlfriend visitng that weekend, and I step out and left (it was college and summer was comming). He graduated, his ex and his whole family went there and I just found it like a spring fling that I wont see again (I was still inlove with my ex too). I went home for 2 months, I admit I went out with my ex for a couple of times but I couldnt get this boy off my head. We chatted regularly, then calls, then skype dates.. He had a trip for a week with his ex, which according to the pictures they seemed inloved (we chatted when he was with her during that week, nothing serious, just casual talking).
    A week after that trip, we started talking more and I asked about his ex, he said there was nothing and that he wasnt talking to her any longer..So we got to knoe each other more, talking like 2 hours a day and more. When I arrived, he was the sweetest guy waiting for me at the airport, we had breakfast and made a 5 hour drive to the collegetown where I was spending summerclasses.
    It was one of the most incredible summers I;ve ever had. He took me by surprise to skydive, it was amazing. All those experiences, those unique moments where things I never dreamed of.
    During this time, my family was visiting so he had the oportunity to meet them all for about 3 days. Then he left for 2 weeks for vacations and we continued comunicating. He then arrived and I met his parents.
    About 2 weeks after that he was moving to the west coast for work, I went with him and helped him move in. We spent a great time for 10 days. After this, I went back to college and visit him 2wice, he visited once, then we traveled together. In my 3rd visit we did had a good time, but this time was different. I was going back to my country because I couldnt find a job and I was graduating. So I knew what was comming, I just ddint want to leave that “perfect world” I had been living for the past 7months.
    After 4 days I got back to my college town, we talked. I was the one who said We need to talk becaus emy future is uncertain, and he also told me he had to focus in his carrer. We broke-up in a “good way”.

    Then My life turned in 360′, I wasnt able to leave so I was going to spend christmas and nye alone without my family. I acted desperately, called him, texting, wanted to talk to him. He just replied my texts, never my calls, saying it was over and he needed his space.
    I was having the worst time of my life, then about 3 months later I figured he was with his ex in NYE, while I was crying my heart out. I called him and said how could he?, he just said he was a perfect boyfriend while he was with me, and that we broke up 4 months ago already and I shouldnt be calling him. I saw him a week later, and just said hello a couple of times, until I saw him hocking up with a girl. It destroyed me, I grabbed him and told him whats the matter? why was he doing that? he said “PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE”.

    I truly regret everything I did, it was just hard to put my heart back in pieces. After 2 months I saw him again in a club, we just said hello to each other and that was it. I called him 2 weeks after, he ddint answered but returned my call. We talked about EVERYTHING, for about 40 minutes and I asked him why he acted so weird around me. He said I was the one acting ackward, but whatever I didnt want to go into details, we talked as friend and nothing else.
    2 days after I texted him about his day, he replied nothing special. a few days later I emailed him a ling, and we laugh about it and there were winky faces of his part. I guess he was just being nice. I then replied the email and he never emailed back (this was about a weeks and a half ago).

    Sorry if I made it long, the thing is that 7 months have passed since we broke up. I am thinking of calling him again and I dont know like just talk, othe though was to call him and say “hey Im gonna visit you”.

    Im keep having these crazy ideas that he still thinks about me, He probably wants some time for himself. I heard he is having one night stands and more, something that I WONT do NEVER!.
    I dont know what to do, I am still inlove with him, I dont know how to approach. He likes adventures, I just want a closure I guess, to talk to him in person..

    thank you guys,
    S.

    Otherwise, your question will stay in the general queue to go up on the “Ask the Guys” page. (Sometimes a 2- 3 week wait) And even then, we don’t guarantee that we can get to every question.

    Hope this helps. We look forward to reading your comment.

    THE GUYS

  2. @S…We’re sorry you’re going through a tough time right now. Hang in there. So we’re unclear. It sounds like he’s been pretty clear about breaking up and needing his space. What kind of closure are you looking for? We understand that it’s hard to let go, but if he had plans for reconciliation he would have contacted you by now after 7 months. What do you think?

  3. Just wanted to backup what THE GUYS said. Don’t change who you are and no I don’t think it is possible to be ‘too nice’ don’t change who you are to meet people.

    Just keep getting out there and meeting people. You’ll find plenty of people who you won’t click with (everyone does) but the trick is to keep at it and meet the people that you do.

  4. It know these posts are a bit outdated…
    But there’s no extended article on the last ‘exception’ paragraph The Guys wrote as their answer for the question of “do looks matter.” The reason I’m positing on this article is because I’m (kinda) the pushover and mother hen, while he’s the (somewhat) infamous, but not outcast, nerd…and maybe a momma’s boy.
    I’m only halfway in high school and this unexpected attention to romance and drama is fitting for the books…Here’s my attempt to sum up the situation before this year finished so you understand my situation:
    -My friend was “shot down” by him when she confessed, she’s not really my friend anymore after the year was through and she realized my crush.
    – My other friends (aka spies) either firmly believe he likes me back or don’t deny that it’s mutual. I’ve seen enough signs that indicate he either approves me back or has a soft spot for me.
    -We have a rather large social and intellectual gap; and our friend groups don’t necessarily mingle. We seem like the average students that chat about academic-related stuff.
    -We’ve met outside school before (in again, an academic situation, but we had private chats), and appreciate each other’s presence. It’s till too early in our lives for relationships (even if his friends are all about it) and too “dangerous” to get much closer with friends and family eager to spread such news…
    -He said it himself that I was ‘too nice’ and help people too much. I would have to be honest and says he takes advantage of it, even if he’s one of the smartest kids around. I nag so much about tests and homework that he basically uses that as a way to contact to me and get my attention… so I thought things would work itself out.

    I’d like to know what he is thinking…considering that I’m not popular or attractive and that his parents would probably never accept me. Up to this point I’ve been okay with putting my hopes up to the future, even though I’ve only recently looked past my oblivious ‘pushover’ self and discovered almost 3 other guys pursuing me. (One guy I turned down by talking about my other crush, and this guy still chases me desperately.)
    There’s no changing who I am, but my crush certainly knows I’m able to reject someone even when being “too nice”…
    Next year he and I are bound to be separated in many ways, should I trust in him to wait for a chance in a future, or were we friends last year just for the academic benefits?

    I know I’m still too young and inexperienced for this site; heck, I’m still slightly at the ‘does his like me’ stage…but I’d highly appreciate getting a response from The Guys!

  5. @D…..The posts may be old but people leave comments on all of them. And we see all the comments. If you’re old enough to wonder, then you’re old enough to ask a question here. However, we’re still not clear on the specifics. Here’s what we gather: You run in different social circles. He’s a nerd and very smart. He’s older than you. Actually we’re not even sure about those points. So how old are you? And him? What do you mean you’re not attractive? Is this physical? Intellectual? (Seems like there’s plenty of interest in you from guys.) Are your families close? Are there any other points we should know about? Fill us in a little more.

  6. Woah, sorry it took me a while to catch the reply…I’ll go ahead and clarify.
    Our social circles are much closer than I made it sound, it’s just that, intellectually, he’s out of my league.
    As for age, he’s actually a few months younger than I am, but he’s taller, so it kinda gets ironic there.
    When I said not attractive, I really meant the physical aspect of it. Academically I’m doing quite well, but not as well as some of the more attractive girls are. I’m guessing its my gullible and overreacting personality that catches the eyes of the guys around…
    Our families aren’t close, per se… But our parents know each other. Lets just say most of the communities families know this guy while I’m sorta unheard of.
    As for specifics, I could perhaps go on and on about the signs I got from him, to the point where many of my supporting friends are convinced.
    I’m not rooting for a relationship this early, but I’m just…confused as to why he sends all these signals yet never takes a direct approach to stabilize the insecurity…I mean, he saw me almost get tangled up with two other guys.

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