I was just curious about the term “nice.” Is it possible that girls can be too “nice” to actually be approached, or too “nice” to date and have a relationship with? Are “nice” girls only marriage material and not girlfriend material?
I am 21 years old and will be a college senior this coming year. I was hoping that college would be a time for me to be more social, find friends, maybe even have a boyfriend. However, my time is coming up as I have only one year left, and needless to say I have never had a boyfriend, or even a guy friend. I am not quite sure why. I am not unattractive, I dress comfortably, I have a wide range of interests, I enjoy a good conversation, and I’ve traveled the world; yet I can be shy sometimes… okay most of the time… around guys.
Nothing has ever really worked out between me and a guy, not even close. For example I live in a house next to guys, and we didn’t really hang out with them. But sometimes we did, and it would be for hours, and we had a lot of fun. However, I sorta got close with one of them, hooked up with him, and then never heard from him again. And he was my neighbor.. And that was not the first time that I have only been used for physical purposes with guys who I thought were friends, and then they never spoke to me again.
There are two guys that I work with who are very friendly, and very good looking. We work at a restaurant, and I sometimes speak with them in passing while at work (as I work in the front, and they in the back), and I always smile and ask how they are doing, how their weekend was, etc. and always help out when I can if they need help. (If anybody needs help, not just the two guys)
I also sometimes bake things to bring in. Over the summer, things quiet down, and there are not many college kids left in town, so people typically get together to hang out. Yet, I have never been invited to hang out with anyone. I am not anti-social, and I enjoy a good party as much as the next person, yet why don’t I have any friends this summer? Guy 1 lives right down the street from me (though he has a girlfriend), why can’t we even become friends? We had many things in common when I first met him. Guy 2.. well I kinda like him but won’t allow myself to like him anymore than that because I know it will just leave me lonely because nothing will come of it. He had mentioned once a possible big group get together dinner, but it never happened. I ran into him at a bar a few months ago, and he bought me a drink for my birthday, and I told him I owed him a drink, and he said no.. I just don’t really understand. They are both very friendly (in conversation, and jokes) with the other girls that work at the restaurant, perhaps more so than with me, and from what I understand they even hang out sometimes.
Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to bake more things to bring in? I am not desperate, I have not been around the block, and I am just a genuine person who is shy sometimes. People have told me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? Am I not even worth it to a guy? Am I not girlfriend material?
Thank you for your help!
Thanks for your question, or should we say questions.
The term “nice” can mean many different things depending on the context. When people say you are being too nice they’re really saying you’re making it too easy for people. (Baking, helping them out, etc.) Sometimes people can even be perceive this type of nice as being desperate. (We’re not saying you are.)
If a guy says you are just “so nice” what he’s really saying is he is not physically attracted to you enough to think of you any other way but nice. In actuality, it has nothing to do with being nice or not, it has to do with what they think you don’t have—the features they want—not what you do have—being nice.
So our response? Don’t change who you are. If you are nice, stay nice. The right kinds of guys will appreciate that, you just haven’t met them yet. (And yes, you are definitely girlfriend material.) But having said that, also, please don’t go overboard. Don’t bake extra cakes, or muffins just to be extra nice. In fact, you might want to dial it back a little when it comes to being nice to guys.
You see, guys like a bit of a challenge, a chase. If you come on strong and starting doing things for them, they see you as a pushover, and someone they can take advantage of, but not keep around for the long haul. (Sounds like this is already happening a bit.) We would suggest waiting to start offering to “help” people until you’re actually dating someone, or in a relationship, not before.
Bottom line: You sound like a sweet person. Don’t change. Don’t let your frustrations make you bitter. You’re meeting the wrong guys right now. Or, you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. Think about what you enjoy, and look to meet people doing those sorts of things, not guys who just happen to live close to you. Also, see if your friends know some nice guys, maybe even your family. (Yes, your parents even. You might be surprised.)
We hope this helps clarify some things. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. (Leave in the comments section below.)
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