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Did he cheat?; I’m not sure what’s right from wrong?

Dear Guys,

If you met someone in a random city and spent days together and nothing happened, then returned to living in separate countries but struck up an internet friendship that over two months led to a romantic rendezvous in a foreign city for one week which went amazing, then one month later you (the girl) goes to his city to see him,..then find he has been messaging with a fuck buddy of his two days prior to your arrival to come and take her clothes of at his house…is this a red flag?

The situation is so unique, but the reason I ask is that we had already talked about me coming to see him, and him coming to see me, and I am actually moving to his city soon..so was this cheating? Even though we had never defined anything and I was not exactly the most forth-coming?

He says he is 100% invested and that this was some sort of last hurrah, but I am worried that I’ll never get this out of my mind as some sort of betrayal, despite my liking him a lot..and understanding how this could have happened, given we have known each other only five months and spent 2 weeks together physically in total. But then again in that five months we chatted everyday.

BooBooBamBam

Dear BooBooBamBam,

Thanks for your question. An interesting situation indeed.

It’s very likely he’s telling the truth. That this was one last “hurrah” and that he’s 100% committed to you. That’s all well and good, but where does that leave you? That’s the question here. He didn’t technically cheat on you since the two of you never had the “are we exclusive” conversation, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t betray your unspoken emotional connection. And herein lies the problem.

If the roles were reversed a guy would have a hard time getting over this betrayal. But it wouldn’t be about some imagined emotional connection with some guy, it would be about the sex. He would say to his woman, “Why did you need to do that? Is he better than me? Is he bigger than me? Do you like the sex more with him? Am I not enough for you?” But we imagine for you it’s more about the bond he may have for this woman, and the fact that you’re not sure you can trust him.

We can reassure you that if guys are unattached they will try to get as much sex as they can, within reason of course. He probably thought to himself, “I might as well get one more taste before I commit myself to this person who I really care about.” But we don’t think it was anything more than that. (If that’s reassuring at all.) As far as trusting him again, you have to trust your gut on that. We can’t look into his heart and tell you what he’s thinking. You need to base that on his overall behavior and how he treats you and this relationship. Positives to look for: Is he a good communicator? Does he share his feelings? Does he listen to you? Does he try to solve problems with you? How does he treat other people? How is he with his friends/family? All of these things give you a sense of his true character, which will help you determine who he really is, and if you’ll be able to trust him in the future.

Our suggestion: If you really love this man, and truly believe this relationship has a chance, then talk to him about how you feel and try to work through this. If he makes it difficult well, then you’ll have your answer. If he’s contrite, and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you then you know he’s really committed to you, and it could be worth exploring.

What do you think? How do you feel about this?

Leave us a comment below, and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

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19 Comments on Did he cheat?; I’m not sure what’s right from wrong?

  1. Im 19 and I’ve been in a relationship with this guy (also 19) for about 2 months and after the first month I moved away for University. I now live in Paris and he lives in Vienna.

    He came to visit me about a week ago and everything was great.

    However, the past two nights he went out with his friends and for some reason my gut is telling me that something is not right. We’ve talked about cheating before and he said that would be a deal breaker for him and I said the same. I completely trusted him until now but I’m not so sure anymore.

    He started our skype conversation today saying how drunk he was last night and he emphasized that he was really really drunk and I felt like he wanted to tell me something but didn’t. He even jokes about cheating when he goes out but this time I feel like something might have actually happened.

    We always joke about cheating and it doesn’t bother me because I joke about it too. I don’t want to confront him about it because I don’t want to be that kind of girl, if he isn’t cheating I look like an asshole and it might start other problems.

    I don’t know what to do whether he tells me or not. Help?

  2. @Becky……Long distance relationships do this. The fact that you don’t see him every day makes it all the more important to have a solid foundation of trust. And trust is built up over a period of time. Two months may not have been enough for you because already you’re not sure if you trust him. Has he ever given you any reason to be suspicious? Because getting drunk and going out with friends is not enough to question his commitment. (And you’re right, it won’t paint you in a positive light.) You have two choices: Ask him and then brace yourself for the possible repercussions. (We don’t suggest this.) Or sit back and decide you’re going to trust him. Or actually, there is a third choice. If this long distance relationship is too much for you—and we’re not saying that’s something to be ashamed of; a lot of people don’t enjoy being in a long distance relationship—then break up with him and enjoy your time in Paris. And then when you’re back in the same city hope for a reconciliation. But ultimately you have to make your own decision. Does this help at all? Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  3. Thank you for the quick response. Yes it did help a lot thanks! The third option is something I have actually been thinking about. I will definitely be telling my friends, its great to get a guys opinion on this kind of stuff, women just don’t think in the same way!

  4. @Becky…You’re welcome. Glad we could help. Take care and keep us posted as things progress, or what you decide. And enjoy Paris. We’re very jealous!

  5. I live with my fiancée and shame on me, snooped through his phone last night. I saw in his sent messages replies to craigslist ads for sex. Some he posted an deleted and some replying to women. He says he was just surfing and that he did it because we had a fight. The fight was he turned his phone off for hours and went out. He was away on business trip. Now he tells me that I don’t trust him and never have an never will. He told me to get out immediately. My daughter and I live with him and I cannot afford to move out this instant. I also don’t want to rip my daughters world apart. It’s her senior year of high school and we moved two states away to live with him. I don’t know many people here and rent is outrageous so I can’t just up and leave without saving up some. Help… Was it likely he went through with the ads? I think he did but swears he hasn’t slept with another woman since we have been together. What do I do?

  6. In addition, he makes a LOT of money and could help me get a place if he wants me out immediately but won’t. He owns the house.

  7. @Lisa……We’re sorry. This is a tough situation. First of all, his Craigslist activity is a major red-flag, especially since he did it because you had a fight. So that’s what he does when you’ve got a problem? Do you really think you can trust this guy? And even worse, he’s now trying to reverse it on you, like you did something wrong??!! That’s shameful. But we can see your dilemma. We agree with you. If he really wants you to move out he should help you out at least until your daughter finishes high school. But he won’t until things calm down. Both of you are feeling very emotional right now. Give it a few days or so and then see if you can sit down with him and talk this out. Not a talk about reconciliation, but about you moving out and your daughter’s senior year. Once he calms down he might feel guilty and agree to help you out. Keep us posted and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Good luck.

  8. Thank you for the advice. He swears up and down that nothing came of it, that he was just surfing.. Whatever. He says he wants to be together etc but bottom line is I don’t want to be with someone I can’t trust. I’m getting my finances together and looking for my own place asap. It’s guys like this that make me not ever want to put myself out there again and not a great example for my daughter either. I’m not man bashing, honest and I know that there are good ones, just not him. Thanks again guys. Much appreciated honesty.

  9. @Lisa….You’re welcome. And good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. Or if you ever have any other questions. Thanks for sharing our site with friends. Take care.

  10. Hi there,

    I just found out that my boyfriend of 5 months hooked up with someone else the first month that we were dating. We hadn’t had “the official talk” but I had said to him once we had started sleeping together that I didn’t want him sleeping with anyone else and he agreed. He met this other girl a couple of weeks after he met me and said that he only saw her once and that they didn’t have sex but that she gave him a bj. He says he hadnt spoken to the girl for a few months but she texted him “happy valentines day”. He said he didn’t respond but I’m confused as to why she would try to contact him 3 months later if they hadn’t been talking. Can I trust him? I’m feeling pretty betrayed at the moment and don’t know if I should try to move past this. When we talked about it he said that when he hooked up with her he didn’t realize that we would end up together and that we would end up falling in love. Can I believe this?

    I guess I should add that a couple of months into the relationship I saw a condom in the trash that hadn’t come from us. He swore to me that he had pleasured himself in the condom (called it a “posh wank”) but now hearing that he had hooked up with someone else in the beginning makes me think that the condom story could’ve been just that…a story…and that he had been with someone else. At the point that I found it we were exclusive….please help!!!! I don’t want to get my heart broken!!

  11. @Jenni……..Good question. We have a lot of thoughts about this. So we’ll start with the definition of sex. Since when has oral sex not been considered sex? Whether he’s getting a BJ as you say, or having full on intercourse, to us it’s the same thing as far as you’re concerned. But the question is: Did he actually cheat? The simple answer is no, at least from our perspective. The more complicated answer lies within you. The definition of cheating varies from person to person. Many guys will try to get as much sex as they can before they commit to someone. So if he wasn’t sure about where you were going, it’s very typical that he would still try to have “sex” with as many different girls as he could before the two of you actually had “the talk.” We’d say the majority of guys would do this, and we see nothing wrong with it. However, we’re not you. Obviously it bothers you a lot. Of course, having sex with another woman after having “the talk” is a whole other matter. That’s in question here. We can see why you’re skeptical of him. However, try not to lump what happened before the two of you were exclusive to what’s going on now. It’s hard for us to say if he cheated or not. A “posh wank” as he called it isn’t something we think is that popular. Most guys don’t make an event out of it. It also provides hard evidence—no pun intended—of the actual deed, which most guys wouldn’t want to provide. So that seems a bit fishy, although he could be telling the truth. He’d have to be pretty stupid to leave a condom in the trash that he used with another girl. Although, leaving it in the trash after a “posh wank” without trying to hide it seems to fall into that same category. So question: How did you find out about the other girl? Did he tell you? If so, at least he was honest. And as far as the girl contacting him, that happens. She probably has fond memories so she’s putting out feelers to see if he might bite. Did he show you the text or did you snoop? You might need to have a conversation with him about all of this. The bottom line: What do you think? Can you trust him? What is your gut telling you? What do your friends say?

  12. @oneoftheguys….thanks so much for the response. My guy friends agree with you about it not counting as cheating if we hadn’t had the talk. The boy and I did have a convo about it and he said it happened before he knew what was going on with us and that at that point he didn’t realize that we would fall in love. I can totally see he perspective but it only somewhat fixes the situation for me. I guess I just assumed we were only talking to each other as I wasn’t seeing anyone else so need to come to terms with being wrong about that.

    As far as the “posh wank” goes he’s not from the US and it sounds like it might be more of a European thing. When I saw it I confronted him about it and he said he would have to be an idiot to leave it out for me to see if he had been with someone else…do you think I can take him at his word for this?

    I found out about the other girl when his phone went off next to me….when it did, I have to admit that I snooped (even though I knew it was totally wrong to do). He did tell me all about it when I questioned him and he said he had met her out about a week after he met me and then went out with her once when he got the bj. He said that she was a skank and after that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore and he only wanted to pursue things with me. Should I be ok with that? I don’t know whether to be happy that he chose me or pissed that it took him hanging out with a “skank” to realize he wanted to be with me….what do you think?

  13. @Jenni…….If this is about your ego being bruised, then get over it and be happy. He chose you. It wasn’t really about him testing the waters, it was just how it played out—circumstance and timing. As far as trusting him: You know him better than we do, so that’s your call. Overall he seems like he’s been pretty above board. Although we still think he’s kind of an “idiot” for leaving the evidence for you to see. (Sorry, we’re kind of joking.) What do your friends think about him? Is the European thing an issue?

  14. @oneoftheguys haha thanks for the reality check..i do need to get over it. my friends and family (who he met a couple of weeks ago) absolutely love him. I do too, he’s everything I’m looking for in a partner. Him not being from here hasn’t been an issue at all- he has a visa with plenty of time left on it and he’s planning on staying here and not returning home to live. Thanks again for the advice- it’s nice to have an outside perspective!!!

  15. @Jenni…..Good luck and keep us posted.

  16. @oneoftheguys…will do!! Thanks again 🙂

  17. So….the drama continues…I was out with the guys friends and when I introduced myself to one of them as his girlfriend the guy laughed and said “I saw him with a fine one a few weeks ago”. I said something to the guy and then told my man about it and he told me that I had misunderstood. He said that his friend was actually giving me a compliment. Did I misinterpret and miss the joke or do you think I’m being played?

  18. @Jenni…..That sounds fishy to us. Doesn’t it to you? Of course we weren’t there. What does your gut think? Obviously you’re wondering. In fact the more we think about it the more the joke doesn’t even make sense.

  19. I’m not sure if maybe I did hear wrong since the guy does have a really thick accent but if I add this to all my other concerns it def sounds fishy. We’ve talked about it a couple of times and my boy said that I overreacted Bc I was thinking about everything else. It’s seems like so much happened in such a short time…even if he is telling the truth my trust is practically gone.

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