I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple months now and things are going well though I’m confused about where I stand. He has told me he likes me a lot, he cares about me, I’m very special to him, that he is starting to feel like himself again which had a lot to do with me and that I make him happy. One night when he was drunk he also told me that he loves me.
When we spend time together we have a great time, he kisses my forehead, plays with my hair, holds my hand, tells me I’m beautiful. He’s told me things that he’s embarrassed or nervous about and we have amazing sex. The thing is though we aren’t together although we are exclusive. His ex left him broken and he told me he is scared about getting serious and doesn’t want to hurt me by getting serious too quickly, although he said it was a possibility in the future. I completely understand that because I am the same.
But the thing is, I seem to be the one that makes most of the plans and he hasn’t told any of his friends or family about me. I’m not ready for a serious relationship but I just want to know if he actually likes me because I’ve been played before and I don’t want to go through that again.
Do you think you would have contacted us if you felt the same as him? In fact it seems as if you feel quite differently than him, and you care about him a great deal, and hope that this relationship is moving towards something more serious even if you’re not quite ready for that currently. Would you say that’s fair to say? We bring it up because it’s important for you to acknowledge this, to yourself, and maybe even to him. Pretending that everything is kosher isn’t going to help you get what you want.
His ex may have left him broken, and he may not be ready to be in a serious relationship, but we’re not sure that constitutes being scared. Clearly he knows you’re way into him. We think what he’s really saying is that he’s not sure about how he feels, and since he cares about you, he’s not sure if he wants to be in a serious relationship with you, which also means he’s not promising you anything. We respect a man who tries to be honest. Good for him. The issue is in the interpretation. We read it the way you hear it, that maybe one day he’ll be ready to commit to you, but for now he’s only sure enough to have sex with you. Of course, it takes two to tango, and if you’re a willing partner, then all he can do is be honest with you.
That said, red-flags abound.
1. Not telling his friends and family about you.
2. Saying he’s scared to commit because he’s been hurt is a way to elicit compassion from you.
3. Wanting to be exclusive but not wanting to be in an exclusive relationship.
The best course of action is to talk to him and be honest about what you want. (In order to do that you need to figure out what that actually is.) If you take this course of action could you scare him away? Absolutely. That’s why this is your call. We can’t tell you what to do, nor will we. If you do some soul- searching we’re confident you’ll figure this out. Hopefully we’ve given you some things to think about.
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We wish you all the best. We hope it works out for you.
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