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Does he want more than just a FWB?

Dear Guys,

Let me give the basic information. I’m a voluptuous woman and he is a man that religiously goes to the gym. So we have thick verses fit. Nonetheless, he seems to really enjoy having sex with me. He caresses, kisses, cuddles, the whole shebang. I only mention this because I also have concern that one of the underlining reasons is that he is holding off for a gym beauty and I am Ms. Right Now. He does send me home with a goodnight kiss if that means anything at all. Even some post coital cuddles, caresses while we joke and bask in the aftermath.

He works hard. We’re talking 12 plus hour days, six days a week. Add in that he goes to the gym almost daily and he doesn’t really have time for much else. This is where the story begins. On the 17th, he messages me on the meetme app after I had posted that I wanted something to do. He actually contacted me back in February but I blew him off after he said something I didn’t like. He said he just wanted to cuddle and I reiterated that I was NOT going to sleep with him. He understood and reiterated as well that it was just for cuddles. I get there and he was gentleman. He didn’t grope on me right off or secretly try to scoot closer to me by putting his hands under my clothing. He invited me to lay in bed with him as we listened to music and talked up until 3am – I got there at 11pm. By 3am, as you can guess, we both naturally gravitated toward each other and ended up sleeping together. By 4am, I had to leave. He needed to try to get some sleep to be up at 6am for work. I made sure he knew that I did NOT come there with the mindset of having sex with him, after things were said and done. He said that he didn’t intend with sleep with me either but it happened.

I don’t want a FWB, F-buddy, whatever they are called. I’ve seen enough of them end badly. However, I haven’t been in a romantic relationship since my son’s father over a decade ago. Sex for me has been sporadic and not regular. He was cute, his body was rocking, and it felt nice to be wanted. So here I am currently, trying to figure out how to turn this five meetings of sex into dating for a possible relationship.

I was already getting attached after three nights of sex. I don’t want a FWB, I want a partner after being alone for so long. But I kept seeing him and letting the sex thing happen instead of putting my foot down and telling him we have to get to know each other more before we sleep together again. I didn’t and now I am certain that what is done cannot be undone.

So, after initiating texts and only getting short answers from him I assumed he was wasn’t interested in anything but sex. I didn’t hear from him over the weekend and that made me upset. So that night, I sent him a message on meetme telling him something along the lines of “I had a good time. However, I get the impression that you want to break things off so since you are not man enough to do it, I’ll do it for you.” Then I blocked him and blocked his cell phone number on my phone. The next morning, I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t fall into temptation and text him so I decided to remove his number from my block list. I honestly did not think I would hear from him. Low and behold, an hour later, he texted me asking if I got his messages. Naturally I didn’t so hours into the afternoon, my curiosity got the best of me and I replied with a no. That started a back and forth of him lecturing me, telling me how uncalled for it was, and me half-assed apologizing. But guess what? We got together that night and had sex. Probably  no surprise there for you guys. He did let me know in person how blindsided he was by me blocking him and then told me why he didn’t text me all weekend. The mind game. I wanted to talk to him about where we were going but with him fixated on what happened, it didn’t seem like a good time to bring it up.

So things sort of went back to normal. That’s when I went into uncharted territory and told him I didn’t want a FWB. He seemed genuinely surprised I was bringing it up. I got the impression that he was hoping for smooth sailing and to leave the feelings out of it. I didn’t think he would be that surprised though. If we’re having sex, it is never too early to ask about the status of the relationship. Sound familiar?

From his perspective, my behavior, coupled with us barely knowing each other after two weeks, was not going to have him jumping into a relationship with me. He said, “I barely know you. Let’s see where things go.” And by things, he means keeping the sex. The thing is, the way things are set up, I have two hours with him. We are not getting to know each other in those two hours. An hour and a half of it is spend on foreplay and sex. He doesn’t ask me personal questions either. And he knows I do NOT like coming over, having sex, and then leaving so he can sleep for work. I told him a few nights before the blocking thing that I wanted to stay the night half the time we got together. He said the only night I could stay would be when he is off the next day, which is Sunday. There has been two Sundays and I have yet to stay the night.

I get that he has been hurt, cheated on, and recently divorced a year ago. It was a short marriage. Rushed. But I need to know where I stand. He would not listen to me when I tried to explain to him why I did what I did with the blocking. Like no matter what, from his perspective, it was uncalled for period. I should have talked to him before assuming. But was my assumption really wrong? I know that by this point, things are likely beyond repair and I should just throw in the towel. Go find me a nice guy where we date first and before getting into the sack.

This is where I am asking for a guys opinion. Being attached, I am clinging to the small sliver of hope. And if breaking it off is a suggestion, how do I do it without him thinking I am just being emotionally unstable? He already thinks that.

CB

Dear CB,

Thanks for your question. And your donation. We do appreciate it.

We understand your situation, so we’re going to cut right to the chase. This guy is playing you. We’re sorry to have to say that, but we assume you want to hear the truth.

We don’t doubt he’s attracted to you, and loves having sex with you, but he’s not looking for anything more. He’s using the fact that you blocked him as an excuse to keep you at a distance. Basically he’s reversing things on you. Trying to make it your fault, rather than being honest with you. In essence, he’s trying to keep the situation going for as long as he can. And he doesn’t want to have to feel guilty, or have any sort of feeling. We don’t know if it’s a ploy, but whatever it is it seems to be working.

The other thing to consider is that he’s just coming out of a marriage. Most of the time, recently divorced guys are not looking to jump into any sort of relationship. In fact, they often act just like this guy is acting. Making up for lost time—meaning, trying to bed as many women as possible— is his MO right now.

Our advice: Don’t worry about his reaction and what he thinks. You’re not being emotionally unstable. You’re being wise to question what’s going on. So obviously you’ve got to decide what you want to do. But we don’t think this is going anywhere being casual sex.

Thoughts? Follow-up questions?

THE GUYS

Response from CB: 

You guys are gems. I have this asshole, pardon my French, hounding me for a FWB after I found a public record of a protection order violation in 2012. He refuses to tell me any information, says it’s in the past and old news, and then went on to say that it would be best that we didn’t talk in general but FWB would be fine. By the end of it, I had him begging me for a FWB arrangement because I pointed out all the mistakes up until him wanting to not get to know each other anymore.

I might add that he wholly believes that women do not get hurt by FWB arrangements. They get what they want. Which seems like his view on women is very misconstrued. Having a protective order violation? I am SO glad I did not tell him where I live.

Thanks again for the reply! I will be sure to donate again for the prompt replies. You guys are lifesavers.

Read more relationship advice and dating advice from THE GUYS: 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

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