Does My Partner Want to Work Things Out?

Dear Guys,

A lot has happened in my life these past few years. I had a child and got in engaged. I lived with my fiances family for a while but his family is full of angry, child neglecting, drug addicts. I had to listen to them yell at their kids and I gave their kids attention and made sure they were fed. I finally moved out with a friend and one of them followed us over there and threatened my baby and broke my things and threw my child’s things down a flight of stairs. I had to move again.

Amidst this then I found out my partner had been cheating on me for over a month with someone he found through his work. I had caught texts and thought that something was going on. I confronted him and he denied it. I talked to one of his co-workers to get the truth and confronted him. He had her under a false contact. He told me felt relieved that it was over. I asked him why he did it and he said I stopped saying hi when he came home and our life felt too routine. This isn’t the first time. He’s flirted with someone else but it was only for like a week. He says he’ll never do it again because he knows next time I’ll leave him and he doesn’t was to risk our relationship.

Does he actually want to fix it or is he just saying that?

Do you think he’ll do it again?

I feel like if someone was building a life with you and loved you, they would be faithful to you.

I’ve sacrificed so much for him and have tried my best to be a good partner. Things got busy because he’s working and I’m doing college and taking care of our child. I feel like he doesn’t really care about me.

J

Dear J,

You ask some really good questions. And clearly you’re asking yourself the same questions. But if we’re being honest, only you know the answers to the questions. That said, we can share some perspective on what’s going on.

What strikes us is how much you’re giving and what little you’re getting in return. Question: So what are you getting from this relationship? Stability? Mutual love and respect? Somehow to share your daily life with? Great sex? Laughter? What? Seems to us that you might start by making a list of how you benefit from the relationship. Because all you’re mentioning is how enervating the relationship is and how worried you are that he’s cheating or that he doesn’t love you.

We’re not mind readers so we couldn’t begin to tell you what’s going on his mind, but we can say is that we try to look at patterns when figuring out relationships. For example: People make mistakes. And sometimes they lose sight of the path they’re on. Sometimes they do things that are difficult to forgive and sometimes not. However, when these mistakes become regular occurrences the mistakes form a pattern of behavior that really can no longer be called a mistake. So you have to ask yourself if that’s what’s going on.

Finally, relationships are built on trust, which stems from mutual respect. Even more so than love, trust is the foundation of strong relationships. Of course love should be a big part of the equation, but love doesn’t sustain the way trust does. So do you trust your man? Not just that he might cheat on you, but when he’s out in the world, is he considering you when he’s making decisions? Is he saying, “How would J feel if I did this?”

We hope this gives you some things to think about. If you have follow up questions or thoughts leave in the comments below. If you want to continue this conversation more privately, consider our private service, Ask a Private Question. Also, check out our book on Amazon, “Inside your Guy’s Mind.” It’s filled with lots of good information about guys, and we’ve been told it’s a fun read.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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