I am a single 30 year old who has not had much experience in the dating arena due to extreme shyness. Earlier this year, I ended up connecting with a guy who works at a local grocery store. I shop there quite frequently and started noticing that he smiled more whenever he saw me, and seemed to be trying to talk to me in passing. As he’s pretty outgoing and it’s part of his job to be nice to customers, I didn’t think much of it, though I noticed he was attractive. Then we connected by chance through a common interest and became friends on Facebook. He sent me a message immediately saying that he’d always noticed me at the store but felt shy because he thought I was cute. I took that as a good sign, and have tried to be as friendly as possible despite a still painful shyness. We started talking a lot on Facebook, and he’d make a point of coming by with a joke if I happened to see him in the store. Then he asked for my phone number which I gave. He’s never called. He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, and has never brought it up again.
He did ask me to help him out on a project and we had a nice time together, but mostly focused on the project at hand, no romantic comments, and nada on wanting to do something again.
We used to talk just about every day (on Facebook), now hardly at all. So I assume he doesn’t really like me. But then, out of the blue, he’ll comment how “cute” I look and send a selfie, a couple of times shirtless. This has me totally befuddled and I’m afraid to outright ask him WTF??? Am I just a buddy based on a common interest? An ego prop? Cute but not worth wasting energy for? I feel I’ve given him lots of encouragement and “green lights.” And recently I decided to just say it, “I like you.” He never responded to that and I’m getting sick of wondering when he’ll get his act together. He had a relationship that ended badly so I understand that he could be hesitant. But this is ridiculous. Any insight would be appreciated.
Guys tend to false start quite a bit. Meaning, they get excited about a new woman, pursue her, then decide they aren’t sure once she succumbs to their advances. Succumbing could be as simple as giving him your phone number, or giving him the green light to proceed forward.
You might read on other sites that guys are all about the chase. Okay, sure, maybe that’s true, but at some point the chase always ends, and if it was all about the chase then why are so many people in serious relationships and/or married? To us, it’s more involved than just the chase. In fact, the chase is one of three evaluation periods a guy goes through when courting a woman.
1. The initial chemistry. The chase. (Guy is overwhelmed by a woman or is interested in some capacity, so he pursues.)
2. The Green Light. (This is where you are.) Guy is given green light and now decides if he wants to continue pursuing. Some of the initial overwhelmed feeling could still be in play, or it could be wearing off already.
3. After initial sex. Now the guy can actually think straight for the first time and decides if it is his hormones driving him or true feelings.
We’re not mind-readers, but it seems if he were really into you he’d have asked you out on a date by now, or do what many young guys do these days, asked you to hang out. Unless he’s playing some passive-aggressive game, or has some issue about dating someone who shops at his place at employment. (We don’t think this is the case.) Giving him your phone number should have been enough, but what else have you done to give him the green light? (Leave a comment below)
You mention his previous relationship ending badly. We don’t think this has anything to do with what’s going on. It would be one thing if the two of you were dating and you wanted to take it to the next level and he wasn’t sure, but to go on a date or two isn’t enough to push those buttons.
This could be one of those situations where the woman (you) might have to be the one to ask the guy out. Of course, we’re not huge fans of this route. Why? For the simple reason that if you take this route, you won’t know how he really feels. He might say yes just because he’s bored, or doesn’t have anything else going on and/or wants sex. But you could ask him what the deal is without actually asking him out? (You might not want to shop there anymore if it doesn’t go well.)
In conclusion, it sounds as if he’s interested enough to flirt with you, but not sure about anything else.
Sorry we couldn’t give you a definitive answer, but maybe processing it will help you decide your plan of action, which of course, could be no plan of action.
All the best,
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