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Easy Motivation

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

25 Comments on Easy Motivation

  1. hahaha this made me smile and laugh. Cause you are right! When we (guys, girls, kids, or adults) want something we are pretty much willing to do anything to get it. I can’t believe THE GUYS left you hanging! Shame on them! But I would say they were caught off guard by the curve ball you threw. I mean what a way to jump tracks in a conversation! lol

  2. I love the guys! LOL! I am home with Swine Flu. (No, I’m not kidding.) And if you could make me laugh and smile and cackle in the misearable state I’m in, you must be doing something right! Very funny post.
    It’s funny, I know this about guys, but I never use it. I guess I’m not much of a manipulator. Or maybe I want it just as much as he does. LOL!

  3. @E……yes, sometimes we’re so self-centered!! 🙂

    @cathy…..WOW! sorry you’re not feeling well. Glad we could help, even just a little bit. At least you admit that you want it. Wink, wink……

  4. Yeah, even though I don’t have any kids (unless you count our 2 cats), I think your way of getting them to do what they want is great. It certainly beats physical abuse that some parents engage in. And since my wiener kabobber can’t stand upright anymore because of all the meds I’m taking, I don’t have to worry about the ” When guys are hungry for sex motivational thing.” But that does sound funny, though -how you’ve described it. Even when I could “pitch a tent”, so to speak, the wife never played that game with me so I guess I’m “lucky” in that respect. 🙂

    If she did ever try that game, however, during our 21 years of marriage, I would just say, “Oh well, I still have my HAND and a FIRM grip on things”. Tee hee. Great post, as usual, dude.

  5. @kelly…..no games. You are lucky!!

  6. I’ve never been with a woman who used sex as bait or a tool. If anything they’ve been more hung up on it than I was. I’m a monk at heart.

  7. @nothingprofound….and we’d like to keep it that way. We’re just offering insight.

  8. This was so funny. It’s just in a guys nature to be more helpful when he knows he’ll be getting lucky. Most don’t admit it at parties, but you know all the guys were nodding in their minds even if they weren’t backing you up.

  9. Great post GUYS about a very uncomfortable situation.:)

    Ah those were the days when my husband thought about sex!! But I never used that as a carrot. He’s one of those guys who would pretty much do anything for me if I ask him.:) I’m not so sure that sex is always the reason that a guy will do things for a woman. I believe it is something from their childhoods when they got used to doing things for their mothers.I think it’s mostly that guys don’t like to have anyone bother them if they can help it.:) Boys are so much better at doing things they are asked to do than girls.:) When my girls were growing up I used practically everything to bribe them and finally resorted to stars on a chart with rewards.:)

  10. Generally any social discussion revolving around sex gets some awkward stares. However, you know that everyone single person present wants to engage in the discussion, but by societal norms its taboo. I on the other hand like to talk about sex, so regardless of the audience I like to test the waters and throw in a sexual comment every now and again. Mostly my guys are reciprocating of this, so when you mentioned their response I was shocked. Perhaps, it was the context, I think if this discussion occurred at a bar then everyone would have been all ears. Whether actively involved or actively listening this topic would have been well recieved someplace else.

  11. Love the post! My secret to success with sex. . .be willing to do anything. . .go beyond the call o’ duty. . .take out the trash wash the kitchen floor, oh BTW meet me in the bedroom. Good stuff!

  12. This was SOOO funny because its SOOO true!!

  13. @loveskeptic……you are right. the actual venue probably does make a difference when it comes to taboo topics.
    Something about the party atmosphere of a bar makes everyone open to anything.

  14. @ricardo………it sounds like we could learn from you!

    @meleah………thanks!

  15. Interesting post Guys 🙂 but unfortunately can’t say more as i am single .

  16. HAHA. Loved it. Nice post guys.
    I have lived in a cave for sometime and I still know what a Wii is… lol Just kidding!
    Have a great day!:)

  17. DYING over here. Dying. I have heard those crickets so many times in public, well, I guess it’s why I write a blog instead! Now people can admit to agreeing without looking lame in in a crowd. BTW your guys need a day of taking out the trash, etc. for leaving you swinging. I’d kill them.

    And you are soooo right about the Wii and about sex, I think. I say I think because my ex husband didn’t work that way, no carrots or sticks worked, with anything, which explains the “ex’ portion. I know it would work with my bf, but as he likes to remind me it’s never been necessary because if anything HE can’t keep up with ME. : )

    We use the Wii as carrot with our (combined) six kids. It reminds me of something I mutter to myself whenever I hear that one of my kids-herding strategies could be replaced by a better one: “Sure, it works in practice, but does it work in theory?” Our methods don’t work in theory but have you seen how fast they fall into line in practice?

    In related news, our Wii appears to have been broken while furniture was being moved around for the Realtor tour. You could have heard a pin drop when one of the kids asked, “Mom, why is there no power light on the Wii?” Jesus wept.

  18. Oh, and Cathy, I am so sorry. Swine flu is the worst. Seriously, I would rather have gone through labor again than feel like that, especially the abdominal pain. Sleep is the only thing that will make it better, faster. As soon as you start to exert yourself, you’ll feel sicker, and when you rest, you’ll feel better. So annoying. You just have to keep testing out the rest/active periods. Which is a hoot with kids.

  19. 🙂 Usually I’m the one to drop the awkward conversation bomb and get the room full of crickets. Glad you were able to shake that party up a bit! And as always, you’re right on the money.

  20. Hahaha! I can just picture the conversation stopping and the awkward moment after. Yeah, the guys didn’t want to jump in to your rescue because they were turning red inside from knowing it’s true! Anyway, nice post and good job on getting everyone to stop talking about kids—rest assured you’ll be on everyone’s party list now!

  21. I think I’m married to the ONLY son of a bitch alive who could give a shit about sex! This is bullshit! I want to be married to the guy who’d take out the neighbors damn trash for it!

    What’s a party without a little sex talk! You’re comment was WAY more censored than mine would’ve been. I’d have told everyone, “I bribe my kids with fruit roll ups to get them to shut the fuck up. and I bribe husband with the wii to get him to take out the trash.”

    Then we’d have gotten shit faced and all the women would’ve went in the kitchen talking about what their men don’t do for them, and the men would have started arguing about who’s wife was hotter and had bigger tits!

    I heart your faces, thanks for adding me to your blogroll!

  22. @ashley……rest assured, WE CARE A LOT!!!

    @kelly……..that’s no excuse. Guys need to watch each other’s back, wouldn’t you say?!

    @dategirl……glad I’m not the only one!

    @Mindy…….don’t understand the ex situation. It doesn’t take much for us to want to take out everyone’s trash! Glad you’re having fun. Hope the house gets sold soon!

  23. LOL! There is no secret really!

    About the kids motivation, it can be pretty easy to motivate them … or should I say “bribe” them to do something (yes, I know, a lot of disapproving looks). “Bribe” as in not literally but more like what you did with the Wii. For my case, it is bringing them out if they behave themselves. 🙂

  24. PS: This and candy still work at this time since my niece and nephews are still young. I reckon it will take more to motivate them as they grow up.

  25. @BK…..yes, the old candy trick. We should write a new guide to parenting. “Candy and Video Games: The New Behavior Model”

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