Guys want to respect their partner

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We get the sense that women aren’t always sure how and when to assert themselves in a relationship, especially a new relationship, mostly for fear of scaring away a guy they really like. Many “experts” advise against trying to define the relationship too early. Sure, you don’t want to be talking marriage/children/the future on the first few dates, but you also don’t want the relationship to progress towards the physical (aka sex) without any sort of conversation about his emotional investment. Being too passive early on is just as harmful as being too assertive.

All relationships eventually fall into their natural order, where one person is dominant, the other not. However, if that balance of power is too one-sided, or the non-dominant person is afraid to, or unable to, assert themselves, typically the relationship will fall apart, or maybe even turn abusive. This seems to happen more often to women, since typically men are dominant. However, by giving away your power, you actually give away your leverage. (Negotiating from a place of strength is always more effective than negotiating from a place of weakness.) The general rule: A guy will respect you more if you hold your ground and say what you want and need, and then NOT backpedal out of fear.

This comes down to self-respect. The more you believe that you have much to offer, and that he should feel lucky to have you, the more he’ll believe it. This is not about game playing, this is about believing in yourself and projecting that to your man, and the world.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t make compromises. On the contrary, relationships require constant compromise in order to solve issues that most surely will arise. However, those compromises are about specific problems and should not undermine your values or beliefs. It’s a fine balance of course.

The million dollar question is: Where is that balance?

If you’re too assertive too early, you risk scaring the man away. That’s a very real possibility. Of course, if you’re with the kind of man who scares that easily it was bound to happen anyway.

But if you’re Too Passive, you may get the man in the short term, but the long-term risk is greater because now you’ve gotten yourself into a purely physical arrangement that rarely evolves into something more serious. He’s putting in minimal effort for maximum returns and that works well for him. Now you’re in a holding pattern, like a plane hovering over an airport waiting to land. A holding pattern means you’re stuck. Your current situation is going nowhere and you’ve cut yourself off from other possibilities. Based on the questions we receive on our site, it seems many women are finding themselves in this situation.

We don’t have a great answer for this conundrum, but in general, having sex BEFORE there’s been any discussion about the actual relationship and where it’s going or not going, is not the best idea. It’s important to have the talk, and define the relationship, in conjunction with “getting cozy.”


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15 Comments on Guys want to respect their partner

  1. I find myself in this situation a year and a half down the road. Although we did talk about the future and talked about plans, after we had sex, and I had a death in the family, which I got no support from him for, and finding he has a thing for a cosplayer online, I broke up with him. Five months later, I asked him is he was speaking to me. He said he was if I wanted him to. We’ve since gotten back together, but we did not redefine the relationship. He said he has no hard feelings from me breaking up with him and just wants to start again. But, I have no idea how to define the relationship and if he is truly interested in having the relationship grow, except he has been more supportive of me. I don’t want to appear as if I am thinking of breaking up again, because I’d like to stay. But I don’t know where I truly stand with him. Am I missing something?

  2. @Chopsi….What are you missing? Maybe that he’s a player. And that he’s not ready to be a supportive boyfriend. What does your gut tell you? Do you think he’s someone you can trust? Do you think he’s someone you can build a long-term relationship with?

  3. Thanks. Wrestled with this and just came out and asked him how he saw our relationship. He said FWB. I asked him how he could think I was wanting that after telling him I loved him. Then I broke up again and finally. My gut tells me he is a player, and I guess players play people without regard to their own spoken needs, desires and goals.

  4. @Chopsi….Sorry to hear. But it’s better to know than to not know. You take care of yourself.

  5. Martina // March 5, 2017 at 7:56 am //

    Hi guys,I just want to tell that I don’t think Chopsi missing something.I have just the opositte problem. My bf never been a cosplayer when we started dating ,but I always liked it,its fun,its always new,never bored (y) and I have about ten costumes in my closet ( sexy black lingerie and stockings,fly attendant,firegirl,nurse,stripper…and also really cool body with high heels aka Beyoncé Formation world tour,LOL ) So I think of myself Iam pretty much a dreamgirl.However,my bf gets used to it,but always is like smilling and laughing that I look perfect but like a web cam stripper,want to take it off and get me naked and action!Buuuut then I find out according his coockies,when I needed use his notebook,that he likes cosplay and watching cam girl in it and also looking on photos of real girls from some adult dating site whose also wearing cos…so,what the fuck??! I just think that he liked it before me,but wasnt used to it in real life,so he see me diferently and when he has his alone time to porn,he’s just not so nervous about it and he dont need to pretend sick to death patient who needs to take care off or anything,so he’s just by himself (y) And that is completly COOL.
    So you dont need to be worry you’re not hot enough or anything.Its not about at all. Just not everyone was born to be Samantha from sex and the city in your bedroom,enjoying it and whatever else.Dont compare yourself with pornstars or camgirls,its not personal from your guy at all…Good Luck :-*

  6. @Martina…..Thanks for sharing.

  7. My boyfriend and I are both seniors in high school and we’ve been dating for a year and about a month, this is both His and my longest relationship. I know for a fact He loves me. He’s always saying how much He loves me and how I’m perfect. But on two different occasions I’ve caught Him breaking serious promises we made to each other and looking at Asian women with big boobs n instagram. I had an instagram account that was NSFW and I would post “sexy” and pornographic pictures of myself, and yes He knew about it. He even helped me choose which pictures I would post, etc. However, since that incident, we’ve both deletes our instagram accounts and stay off of social media. He knows that my boobs are my biggest insecurity, I have a pear body shape. My butt has always been my biggest asset, pun intended, but my boobs have always been small and, as I mentioned before, my biggest insecurity. He knows all of this but when I found out it made me feel like He was lying to me about being “perfect the way I am” and all the other things He had told me. Does He not respect me? Am I really not good enough for Him? We’ve had a heart to heart conversation already but I can’t help but have those questions still running through my head. And it doesn’t help at all that he plays League Of Legends with Asian women that neither of us have ever met before. He’s a really nice guy, He always has been, and I like to describe Him as the shy, nice, caring guy that all girls dream of. We’re both very very territorial of each other so it does bug me a little whenever I see any girl talking to Him, unless she’s family or both our mutual friend and He’s the same way. He hates it when I talk to guys He doesn’t know. I’m sorry this was so long but my questions are does He not respect me? Am I really not good enough for Him?

  8. @Carolina…….The more important questions are these: How does he treat you? How does he talk to you? Does he ask about you or does he talk about himself? Is he respectful towards you when he’s with you? Does he ask your opinions? Here’s the deal: Guys crave what they don’t have. It’s pretty normal. It’s not that he wants to be with these women from Instagram, but if you have smaller boobs, then we can see why he’s looking at women with big boobs. (Why would he look at women with smaller boobs? He already has one. Right?) If you had big boobs he’d be doing the opposite. The point is, as long as he isn’t communicating with these women, or lying to you, or trying to get with other women, then some healthy fantasizing is normal. What do you think? Any other follow-up questions? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends or on social media. Thanks.

  9. @Carolina……Last point. He is young. 18 year old guys don’t usually have a clue about who they are and what they want. (Sorry to say.)

  10. He treats me perfectly, He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and vice versa, He says I’m the best girlfriend He’s ever had. Of course we have our downs but what couple doesn’t? In my opinion downs are good in a relationship but the up’s have to be more frequent than the downs. He’s actually the one that always insists on communication because I suck ass at it! He’s very respectful to me and He never disrespects me. He holds doors open for me, pulls chairs out, asks me my opinion and input on things, etc. He does ask about me and I do Him. I understand fantasizing and all, I mean between the two of us I’m definitely the more kinky one. He knows I watch porn and in our kind of relationships I have rules and one of them is I ask before I’m allowed to watch. The fact that He was looking at these women doesn’t bug me, what bugs me is He didn’t tell me. I mean He knows every single time that I touch myself and what I watch when I do it! But the fact that He didn’t tell me bugs me a lot. I mean this whole incident happened a month ago and it still hurts to this day. And He knows that. And every single it ends up coming up in our conversations, He’s quick to reassure me that it was nothing and to stop thinking about it and that He loves me and that I’m perfect to Him just the way I am. Trust me I’ve already told my entire family about this site, both male and female relatives! I’m so glad I found this site, it’s like a manual on men. Y’all have no idea how happy I am I found this site.

  11. @Caro…..Well, he sounds like a good boyfriend. So this comes down to trust. Look, you’ve stated your case, he’s apologized, reassured you. So why are you not moving on? Seems to us that maybe you don’t completely trust your boyfriend. Is that true? If so, what does he need to do to regain your trust? ps. Thanks for spreading the word about us and thanks for the kind words.

  12. No, I suppose I don’t fully trust Him but I haven’t the slightest idea what He can do to regain my trust.

  13. @Caro……Well, keep us posted. Hopefully time will heal and he’ll slowly regain your trust.

  14. Thank y’all so so much for your advice, you’ve helped a lot honestly. I am so overjoyed I found this website and I swear I’ve already told literally everyone I know about this website lol

  15. @Caro….You’re welcome. And thanks to you as well. Take care.

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