Guys want to respect their partner

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We get the sense that women aren’t always sure how and when to assert themselves in a relationship, especially a new relationship, mostly for fear of scaring away a guy they really like. Many “experts” advise against trying to define the relationship too early. Sure, you don’t want to be talking marriage/children/the future on the first few dates, but you also don’t want the relationship to progress towards the physical (aka sex) without any sort of conversation about his emotional investment. Being too passive early on is just as harmful as being too assertive.

All relationships eventually fall into their natural order, where one person is dominant, the other not. However, if that balance of power is too one-sided, or the non-dominant person is afraid to, or unable to, assert themselves, typically the relationship will fall apart, or maybe even turn abusive. This seems to happen more often to women, since typically men are dominant. However, by giving away your power, you actually give away your leverage. (Negotiating from a place of strength is always more effective than negotiating from a place of weakness.) The general rule: A guy will respect you more if you hold your ground and say what you want and need, and then NOT backpedal out of fear.

This comes down to self-respect. The more you believe that you have much to offer, and that he should feel lucky to have you, the more he’ll believe it. This is not about game playing, this is about believing in yourself and projecting that to your man, and the world.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t make compromises. On the contrary, relationships require constant compromise in order to solve issues that most surely will arise. However, those compromises are about specific problems and should not undermine your values or beliefs. It’s a fine balance of course.

The million dollar question is: Where is that balance?

If you’re too assertive too early, you risk scaring the man away. That’s a very real possibility. Of course, if you’re with the kind of man who scares that easily it was bound to happen anyway.

But if you’re Too Passive, you may get the man in the short term, but the long-term risk is greater because now you’ve gotten yourself into a purely physical arrangement that rarely evolves into something more serious. He’s putting in minimal effort for maximum returns and that works well for him. Now you’re in a holding pattern, like a plane hovering over an airport waiting to land. A holding pattern means you’re stuck. Your current situation is going nowhere and you’ve cut yourself off from other possibilities. Based on the questions we receive on our site, it seems many women are finding themselves in this situation.

We don’t have a great answer for this conundrum, but in general, having sex BEFORE there’s been any discussion about the actual relationship and where it’s going or not going, is not the best idea. It’s important to have the talk, and define the relationship, in conjunction with “getting cozy.”


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6 Comments on Guys want to respect their partner

  1. I find myself in this situation a year and a half down the road. Although we did talk about the future and talked about plans, after we had sex, and I had a death in the family, which I got no support from him for, and finding he has a thing for a cosplayer online, I broke up with him. Five months later, I asked him is he was speaking to me. He said he was if I wanted him to. We’ve since gotten back together, but we did not redefine the relationship. He said he has no hard feelings from me breaking up with him and just wants to start again. But, I have no idea how to define the relationship and if he is truly interested in having the relationship grow, except he has been more supportive of me. I don’t want to appear as if I am thinking of breaking up again, because I’d like to stay. But I don’t know where I truly stand with him. Am I missing something?

  2. @Chopsi….What are you missing? Maybe that he’s a player. And that he’s not ready to be a supportive boyfriend. What does your gut tell you? Do you think he’s someone you can trust? Do you think he’s someone you can build a long-term relationship with?

  3. Thanks. Wrestled with this and just came out and asked him how he saw our relationship. He said FWB. I asked him how he could think I was wanting that after telling him I loved him. Then I broke up again and finally. My gut tells me he is a player, and I guess players play people without regard to their own spoken needs, desires and goals.

  4. @Chopsi….Sorry to hear. But it’s better to know than to not know. You take care of yourself.

  5. Martina // March 5, 2017 at 7:56 am //

    Hi guys,I just want to tell that I don’t think Chopsi missing something.I have just the opositte problem. My bf never been a cosplayer when we started dating ,but I always liked it,its fun,its always new,never bored (y) and I have about ten costumes in my closet ( sexy black lingerie and stockings,fly attendant,firegirl,nurse,stripper…and also really cool body with high heels aka Beyoncé Formation world tour,LOL ) So I think of myself Iam pretty much a dreamgirl.However,my bf gets used to it,but always is like smilling and laughing that I look perfect but like a web cam stripper,want to take it off and get me naked and action!Buuuut then I find out according his coockies,when I needed use his notebook,that he likes cosplay and watching cam girl in it and also looking on photos of real girls from some adult dating site whose also wearing cos…so,what the fuck??! I just think that he liked it before me,but wasnt used to it in real life,so he see me diferently and when he has his alone time to porn,he’s just not so nervous about it and he dont need to pretend sick to death patient who needs to take care off or anything,so he’s just by himself (y) And that is completly COOL.
    So you dont need to be worry you’re not hot enough or anything.Its not about at all. Just not everyone was born to be Samantha from sex and the city in your bedroom,enjoying it and whatever else.Dont compare yourself with pornstars or camgirls,its not personal from your guy at all…Good Luck :-*

  6. @Martina…..Thanks for sharing.

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