He used me for sex when he knew I wanted more; why?

Hi Guys,

I was in an on/off sexual relationship with a guy for (I’m embarrassed to admit) five years. Never dated. Just sex. I wanted a relationship, but never got one. (My own fault. I should’ve cut off the sex.) Either he wanted out, or I wanted out, but we always came back together. His pursuit of me was relentless. I had a bad case of unrequited love, and lost myself somewhere along the way, unable to get out even though it was destroying me. Seems like he would date anyone but me. I felt trapped, and I’d done it to myself.

It ended because his current girlfriend intercepted a Facebook message I sent him in response to a booty call, telling him he’d have to choose her or me. (I had changed my phone number, so he couldn’t contact me, so he used Facebook.) Shit hit the fan. I wanted to tell her from the beginning that he was screwing both of us at the same time, but didn’t because of bad advice received. Come to find out from her, they had been living together for months, and were talking about marriage. I never thought they were serious because his relationship with me didn’t change; it was as it had always been. The biggest insult of all was to find out he constantly trashed my name to anyone who’d listen. (He said terrible hateful awful things about me.)

I was stupid. I know that. Why would he use me for sex for five years, while he looked for Mrs. Right, when he knew I wanted to be with him? And why once he supposedly found Mrs. Right, did he not end things with me? The sex was great. He begged for it at times. But he didn’t need me. He had/has her.

Lost and Found

Dear Lost and Found,

We’re sorry. We know it’s difficult to feel discarded, as if you were some object he no longer had use for. That said, you have to stop berating yourself. You’re not the only woman, or person, who’s allowed themselves to be in this type of situation. Yes, your arrangement with this man wasn’t the healthiest of choices, but it happened, and now you need to learn from it and move on, as difficult as that may be. Keep in mind, just by reaching out to us, shows strength and the ability to self-reflect, both qualities that will help you to keep evolving.

Before we address your man’s role, let’s talk about yours. When it became pretty clear that he didn’t want more than sex, what made you stay? (Obviously, you’re already reflecting on this point.) In general, do you have self-esteem issues? (We have to ask because that’s important for you to think about, otherwise, the same sort of situation could arise again and again in your future relationships.)

In this relationship you gave up your power of choice. If you don’t address the reasons behind your actions, your loss of choice could easily manifest in your future relationships. It might not be sex the next time, but it will be something else. In general, the power in relationships needs to be somewhat balanced. Sure, one person naturally will take the lead and be the primary decision maker, but the other person can’t just be a passenger; they have to be able and willing to assert themselves when things become too unbalanced. Unbalanced relationships eventually lead to resentment—on both sides—conflict, heartbreak and sometimes abuse.

Now to your question. Why would he string you along like this?

We don’t know the guy so we can only make an educated guess. It’s likely pretty basic. He wanted sex. You were a willing partner. In his mind he had the perfect situation. He could have sex without putting much effort into it, which gave him the freedom to put his energy into finding someone he wanted to marry. We know, pretty awful when put like that, but it is what it is.

We know you have strong feelings for this man but keep in mind that not only did he use you for sex, he also cheated on his fiance, and possibly other women he was with while he was still sleeping with you. It’s going to be difficult for him to change because it seems all the women he’s been with have accepted his behavior. Ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to be with? We know you’re looking for answers to explain why he would do something like this, but sometimes logic isn’t in play. He did what he did because he could, and because he was okay with doing it.

The takeaway. First, you need to understand your role. Try to understand the driving force behind your behavior. (Have you thought about talking to a professional? Therapist. Counselor. No shame in seeking answers.) Once you do, it’s likely you’ll make better choices in the future.

Take care of yourself. We wish you all the best.


ps. Please let your friends know about us. Also, if you have follow-up questions, or want to respond to us, leave all comments in the comments section below. We see all comments, since we have to approve them, and we respond to all comments that aren’t SPAM.

43 Comments on He used me for sex when he knew I wanted more; why?

  1. Lost and Found // December 6, 2015 at 10:15 am //

    Thanks. I know why I behaved as I did. Just didn’t understand his perspective. I was naive, when it all began. I’m certainly not now. I’ve never before let anyone treat me like he did, and I’ll never allow anyone to treat me like that ever again.

  2. @Lost and Found……YOu seem like you have a good handle on things. Hopefully we helped you understand some of his motivations and behaviors. We wish you all the best.

  3. I was in the exact same situation for the same period of time.
    It started out as casual sex/fwb, but he never treated me like a friend.
    He booty called me under bizarre and awful circumstances. I always went running to the call. I knew he was using me for sex but I could not stop obliging him. Sex with him always felt terrible. I did it anyway because I was lonely, insecure and desperate for physical affection.
    It’s hard for women to get my involved with these things without feelings developing. Now that it is over I finally have a perspective on the extent to which I allowed him to use me for so long. I never even liked him as a person. The whole thing is/was so stupid. Parts of the situation used to make me feel good, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone along with it for so long. Now I just feel 100% AWFUL.

  4. @Bx…..Thank you for sharing your experience, even though it was difficult. It will help others not make the same mistake. It sounds as if you’ve learned a lot and are now in a more confident place in your life. We wish you all the best. Come back anytime to comment or ask a question.

  5. Zearidal // June 22, 2016 at 9:36 pm //

    You’re far from alone in this.
    I went on 2 dates with this guy before sleeping with him and we dated for the next 3 weeks. He broke it off saying he just didn’t think we were right for each other. I told him I disagreed, but accepted it.

    A month later he pursued me. I told him I was looking for a relationship, but we never discussed it passed that. I wrongly assumed he respected and agreed with my position. Before I knew it I was driving to him and we were planning hookups.
    Now I know it was just sex. And while best sex of my life I started to hate myself for letting him degrade me.

    It’s so tough to let go because you never fully saw the awful person they are and how they mistreated you. You saw potential. You saw someone who wasn’t full of heartless actions without your best interest factored in. You saw a false image. And it’s always the worst to get over something that in our minds adapted to justify the actions and feelings involved.

    I’m a month out from leaving my toxic relationship. It helps to see you never deserved to be treated that way.

  6. @Zearidal……Thanks for sharing your story. We’re sorry. But it sounds like you’ve learned from it and want to share what you’ve learned with others. Good for you. We wish you the best. ps. We hope you’ll share out site with friends. Check out our e-reports on the seven most frequently asked questions.

  7. I’ve been sleeping on/off with a guy for a year and he said he’s not ready for a relationship and claims he can’t give me what I want. I have been so confused as our time together is amazing and he says he enjoys my company but unless I initiate contact I don’t hear from him. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to lead me on, he always responds when I text him and sometimes leads to sex. It is emotionally exhausting as we have so much in common and could be really good together but not hearing from him makes me feel used and hurt. I know I need to walk away but don’t know whether to address it with him or just not contact him again.

  8. Lost
    Do you have things in common that he’s interested in sharing with you? Because you can both like ice cream, but if 1 doesn’t want to eat ice cream with you it doesn’t matter you both enjoy it.
    Tough love.. a guy might desire you. He might want to hold onto you as an option for sex. That doesn’t mean he values you. It means he’s using you and you’re allowing it. You’re showing him this evaluation is fine. So, why would he want more?

    It’s incredibly tough, but tou have to trust it’s better to walk away. If a guy wants you he will make contact on his own. Sex will be a perk and not the only bond.

  9. Thanks for your reply. We don’t do anything other than hang out. He always asks me to stay over the night, sometimes I don’t bother. He is a bit of a loner and is emotionally unavailable as he has had a lot to deal with financially over the past year. He only contacted me originally as an ex friend told him to text me, even though I was in a vulnerable place, hence how it all started and I havnt been able to let go since. It’s been a week now since I last saw/heard from him and I am trying to be strong enough to just walk. It’s like a viscous circle that can only be broken by me as I am sure he won’t contact me and if he does I want to be honest with him.

  10. Sounds like he’s not in a position to be in a healthy relationship right now. What I’ve found with guys is if they want something they will move mountains for it. Nothing stops them.
    Maybe what’s happened here is this is too comfortable for him. He knows you’ll be there. So, what extra effort is needed?
    The best path is to just walk away. Forget closure. Forget contact. If he wants to know why you’ve stopped messaging him he can ask. If he doesn’t you have your answer on how greatly he values hanging out with you. And maybe he’ll wake up. Realise he wanted you all this time. But, if he doesn’t you’ve trimmed the dead weight that was so emotionally exhausting and are overall better for it. Start viewing your future and not your past.

  11. To add to my comment. You’re making excuses for him. Financial hardships aside that does make someone treat another like an option. And you shouldn’t allow your happiness to be so dependent on his desire for you.
    Maybe it will help to find someone else. To redirect this affection. You seem to have plenty to share so give it to someone who will appreciate it and reciprocates.

  12. I am going to just walk away as hard as it will be, I have come a long way since we met and it has only strengthened me which I can at least take that away with me. I don’t hold any expectation of him to contact me for anything other than sex, if he bothers at all but need to be prepared for a strong response if he does so that I don’t spiral again. And yes it seems I do always make excuses for him sadly he plays the ‘I’m not half the person I used to be’ card and ‘I will be fine by next year which sometimes makes me think I should hold on for something that will never happen.

  13. And yes I do have a lot to give, it’s just a shame he can’t see that

  14. @FLORC…..Thanks for your input.

  15. @Lost…..We’re so sorry. Hang in there. Trust in your inner strength. We wish you all the best.

  16. Thank you both for your support. It’s very much appreciated. It’s so difficult for people to understand about being tied to this type of situation if they havnt been through it.

  17. Your definitely not alone I’m sad to say. I’ve been there a few times I thought I was passed all that especially at the age of 41!! I have just found out without actually being told I was nothing more than something to do when he was bored. 2 1/2 years on and off, even went to the extreme of telling me he loved me. We split 7 weeks ago after he went for a drink with his ex. Got back together 2 weeks later for a week. No contact for 3 1/2 weeks he gets in touch so we arrange to go for food and talk which ended with me back at his spent the night had sex. He dropped me off next morning and hasn’t been heard from since. OK its only 3 days but no text no call nothing…not like him. Being treated as a piece of meat especially from someone I never thought would stoop so low. I was getting on with my life without him and happy with everything I was doing and I’m guessing he knew that and that bothered him enough to get in touch and knock me down. Men can be really horrible people sometimes. This time will be hard for me to come back from

  18. @Betty……We’re sorry. But thank you for sharing your recent experience. Take care of yourself.

  19. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  20. Well. This everything happend to me. I met someone i left for him my 10 years relationship (it wasnt good but i regret npw :((( and that other man was married. Always promised me to be together when i ll be single. Promiswd hóodays. Dinners. Going out. Never happend. After 2 months when my ex moved in to his new giŕfeiend and they ve planed wedding afger 4 months of they réationship i opened my eyes. I brple up and desteoyed everything in my life for muslim married guy who used me for sex. Cant tell you about all of his lies. My fault. Chin up npw. After 7 months of manipulation he said he love his wife she loves her she is the reason why hes here i realised im stupid naive idiot. Never ever again. And u know what? Even i blocked him even i npt seeing him i worrie that day again when he ring me again. He will breake my heart again and again . Tell me how to stop this.

  21. @Tulia…..You stop it by reminding yourself of the things he did. And then you move on. It’s about self-respect. We hope you’ll stay strong.

  22. Reading your experiences made me fell less awful but sad at the same time can’t believe men could be like that. My story is similar to yours. I was in a relationship only to have sex with someone who used to be my friend for years , he told me his “story” he was separated for months from his wife and he only live in that house for his children I don’t know how I bought that but I did now I feel stupid but back then I said to myself he is my friend I know him for so long so he couldn’t lie to me right. Guess I was wrong. He at first told that hr wanted to have a family with me, he wanted me to raise his kids because and have kids with me. But then no contact for 10 days and that’s how he started to come and go, for 11 months he was with me and then he disappeared. We had a talked on November and we settled things out to be together because he loved me and I loved him but he left me almost two weeks ago and I knew he came back with her because he was already living with his kids to his parents house but I thought a picture on his WhatsApp with her and his kids. He only emailed me and said: I have a lot to explain just give more time. And that’s it. Now I know he doesn’t love me and I was fool to believe him. I just wanted to share my story. Thanks for reading.

  23. @Mindy……We’re really sorry. But thanks for sharing. Your story will help others who are going through a similar experience. Take care. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friend. Thanks.

  24. Hello. Sadly, I justo realize I’m a fool. The biggest fool ever, probably. There is this man from my work, he just got marry this past november but while he was still single I love how he talked about his future bride to be. I was in love of the idea of someone loving me as much as he seem to love that girl.

    Next thing I know is that 3 months later Im having sex with him. No dates, no promises, just sex. I know that accepting is horrible because he is married, he is muy coworker and because he was muy first time. And it hurts so much to confess that it was horrible. It hurts because I wanted romance, sweet talk and I didnt get any of that. It was painful and embarrasing.

    But I accept a second time. Then a third. Then…well, thing is I never resufe and he seems ok with that. But who woudnt? Is so comfortable form him, more than once he started a situación with me and then left me. He went home and probable finish what he started with me with his wife but what about me? I hate this. I hate to feel like a víctim when I never got promises but still wanted them.

    I feel like if he stops having sex with me, no one will ever do it with me again. I became so insecure. I used to have issues because I was overweight and worked so hard to overcome those problems that I just dont know how not to feel like shit.

    Thank you.

  25. @Tori…..We’re sorry. But thanks for sharing your story/situation. So did you have a question you wanted to ask?

  26. When you are feeling strong, get a couple of drinks and sabatoge the relationship. My ex who lived 3 hrs away would pretend he cared long enough to skype and do stuff with me online. He worked at a fancy restaurant and when I came back, i found his restaurant and poured a whole glass of ice water over his head.. he will never fuck with me again, I am sure

  27. @Sarah……Sorry to hear. Take care of yourself.

  28. I was in the identical situation for 3 years. I was in complete denial because I wanted him so much.ittle by little it ate away at me, I made myself ill with anxiety. Eventually he started dating someone unbenknownst to me but STILL messaged me for sex. I found out about her quite quickly and told him where to go. He never bothered me again. He lives with her now and they regularly post their perfect, happy lives on social media. I’m not stupid enough to think they are perfectly happy because I know he’s been in the bad hooks with her. Like you I was so confused as to why he carried on messaging & sleeping with me, towards the end even more passionate than ever. It was a complete head f*** & made me feel like crap. I hate him so much and feel angry that she gets the relationship that I wasn’t worth. I’m mostky ok these days just when something triggers memories I re-live it all over again.

  29. @Teyshi……..This sounds hard. We’re sorry. But thanks for sharing your experience with everyone here. Honestly, based on what you say about him, you may have dodged a bullet, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. Take care of yourself. And come back anytime.

  30. i recently broke things off with the boyfriend of seven months. He pursued me said we were exclusive and basically spent every night with me til about four months in.He brought over some of his personal belongings. We spent all our time at my house, never was asked to hang out with his friends, and never really went on dates. No pictures together and no evidence of us on social media at all. I allowed him to bond with my daughter, but could never meet his son. This relationship made me ill, because I knew I was a secret. Evert time I brought it up he would hand out excuse after excuse and it would just confuse me even more. I told him my feelings were growing stronger and he said he only loved me 99%. At that point, I knew I needed to end it; however, he would always give me little crumbs that would make me feel like there was a future together. This past Friday he showed up, we talked, ended up in bed and after I asked him what we were, His response was, ‘I don’t know!’ It hurt more than ever to hear that. I called him a horrible name and he got up and said that I was the one that ruined this relationship and he left. I woke up the next morning and blocked him from my phone and social media. I just don’t understand how someone could put up such a facade for so long. I’m so embarrassed, sad, and confused. I don’t know what to do with his belongings either. I don’t want to reach out and give in for him to come get his things.

  31. @Patty……We are so sorry. But don’t be so hard on yourself. You did the best you could. And you did nothing wrong, except hope that he might change. Next time, you’ll be more aware of some of the red-flags. (As you can tell from this thread, this sort of situation happens more frequently than it should.) For now, here’s what we’d suggest as per reaching out to him. If you want to return his things, then you put them in a box and you drop them off at his place. Text him to tell him that’s what you did. And then you move on. No reason to spend any more time worrying about this. We would NOT suggest that he come to your place at all.

  32. And so it goes... // December 20, 2017 at 4:27 pm //

    Similar unfortunate situation. about 1 year relationship with someone who consistently said didn’t want a relationship, knew i did and strung me along ever so gracefully. Hot and heavy and daily sleep overs for the first several months, we were the best of friends. Slowly the get together’s fizzled out, communication seized and when i told him i think we hit the end of our road… he let me go without any fight; i said this several times before and he always found a way to keep things going.
    the last text i received was that he wishes me good luck in everything i do. nothing more definitively final than that.

  33. @And so it goes……We’re sorry. Sounds like a tough situation. But thanks for sharing. How recent was this? Clearly his actions didn’t match his words. So did you believe he was going to change his mind about wanting a committed relationship?

  34. I had a similar situation. I have been fixated on this guy who I met on my year abroad. We weren’t dating but I guess “seeing” each other. He often gave me the feeling he genuinely liked me and he knew I liked him a lot as I told him I had feelings for him. He never fully told me how he felt and he’d always just say he liked me but never mentioned any “feelings” but he still continued to sleep with me and string me along until I left to go back to college. He stayed abroad and hasn’t spoken to me since, we’re like strangers now. I found out from others he was seeing other girls a few weeks ago and it made me feel like shit. I still think about him most days and I feel like the whole thing has made my confidence and self esteem really low from feeling rejected. However, I know deep down that what has happened is probably for the best and my friends reassure me he wasn’t worth it. I never want to be in that situation again.

  35. @Andrea2000…..We’re sorry this shook your confidence and self-esteem. Don’t let it. Don’t let him. These things happen. Learn from it. And we agree with your friends. He definitely is NOT worth it. Let us know if we can help in the future. And let your friends know about us. ps. We also offer a private service for more in-depth conversations.

  36. We started hanging out as friends and shared a close-knit friends group in grad school.
    After a party, he started touching me sexually and I was interested so I didn’t stop him. He said he didn’t want a relationship but he knew I did. I never gave him an ultimatum because I didn’t want to seem clingy. He did look and flirt with other women but we weren’t exclusive so I ignored this.
    I did make out with him but no sex. He didn’t share details of his life and he refused to add me to his facebook. It was confusing because he would look into my eyes like he was really into me and want to have lunch/ dinner with me all the time. He seemed like a really nice (but emotionally fragile) guy but something just didn’t feel right.
    After 6 months, his real girlfriend visited him at school. I was shocked and hurt. He acted like nothing was wrong and that hurt even more. He tried texting me about dumb, unrelated stuff after his gf visited but he never said sorry. I never replied.
    Was this my fault for not seeing the red flags? Did I do the right thing by completely cutting him off once I found out about his gf?

  37. @Eva……Try not to think about it in terms of whose fault it is/was. Maybe it took you a little time to figure it out but you eventually did. Clearly something didn’t feel right about the situation, so it seems like you trusted your gut enough NOT to have sex with him. We’d suggest you keep trusting your instincts. And really, there’s nothing wrong with liking someone and hoping they might come around. But in general, guys usually know right away how into the woman they are. So next time, if the guy doesn’t pursue you more seriously right out of the gate, it’s probably not going anywhere. As per his girlfriend. YES, you did the right thing. Why put yourself though that? Time to move on. We hope this helps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks.

  38. Reading these posts are so reassuring that I’m not going through the same thing on my own. I’ve been hung up int his guy nearly 3 years now. We met at a big event and he I was instantly attracted never thought a guy like that would be so find me attractive.Anyway we got together the next day and one thing lead to another and we slept together I was so happy thought things were gonna be great after that really thought he liked me anyway we would always talk over whatsapp then one day he blocked me for no reason I was beside myself didn’t know what I had done wrong then he unlocked me he did this a few times and I didn’t know why anyway long story short i found out he was living with his girlfriend and small child and he was always giving me excuses why he couldn’t cone and see me now I knew it was because he was being a cheat and trying to avoid getting caught but not being honest with me either! Shame on me tho I let it continue 3 years he has said some horrible things to me sometimes called me a dog and made me feel bad about my self yet I’m still so hung up on him. He used to get in touch all the time then when he split up with his Mrs my guess is she must if kicked him out he was barely in contact at all unless I initiated it. I’m still hung up in him and I’m sick of thinking about him I can’t he’s always said I’m attractive but then why out me down in the next breath. My heads a mess with it all. How can I get over this?

  39. @Jessica….This sounds hard. We’re sorry. Questions: So what is it about him that you’re so drawn to? AND more importantly: Why do you think you’re still open to him, even after he’s treated you so badly? Meaning: Do you feel he’s all you deserve? No judgments. We’re just trying to understand. You ask: How can you get over this? Well, the only way is to tell yourself that you deserve better and that you’re not willing to be treated this way by anyone.

  40. I don’t know why I have been so drawn to him maybe it’s just the attraction I’ve never had a guy like him my friends say I’ve got better looking with age and ever since I split up with an abusive ex I seem to have been getting more male attention than I never used to I suppose you are right in that putting up with his treatment is because I have been put down to a place where I feel I have no choice but to accept the treatment because i feel nobody else is interested I suppose it’s something I’ve got used to but it never gets easier and every time I see him I feel worse off. I know something has go to change and putting things out in the open on here has really opened my eyes to it. I’m hoping now the feelings will fade away and I don’t want to be so bothered about if he’s talking to other girls I always used to think what was so wrong with me that he would want all these other girls I don’t feel like I’m good enough and it really really hurts that’s what hurts the most.

  41. @Jessica……We’re glad that talking about things is helping. (If often does) If we can be honest. This guy is not worth it. There are guys out there that will treat you with respect. He’s not one of them, and he’s unlikely to change. But of course, you have to believe that Jessica. Do you? Question: Have you thought about seeing someone to talk about this situation on a more regular basis? Like a professional in your area. No shame in that. And like you said, talking about things seems to help. We might recommend that for you. What do you think?

  42. I have some therapy lined up which I’m hopeful about I think it’s really going to help me deal with this situation and help me work through my issues mainly my self esteem so I don’t wind up feeling this way again and so I can deal with things better it’s a step in the right direction I do believe there are good guys out there and you guys have given me that hope aswell. I need to now focus on myself and keep a positive outlook hopefully I will get my happy ending 😁thank you so much

  43. @Jessica…..Sounds like a good plan. We wish you the best. Keep us posted on things. And come back any time if you have a question. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. And keep an eye out for our e-book, coming out in 2-4 weeks.

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