He’s evasive when I ask him questions about his past; why? (Relationship and Sex Advice)

Hi Guys,

My question is, why does my fiancé get so squirrelly if I ask him a question about his exes? I only know about his most recent girlfriend and whenever I ask him any questions he says, “The past is the past and I want to focus on the future.” I get that and I do too, but the fact that he doesn’t answer some of my questions, even when they are straightforward and general, makes me feel likes he’s hiding something and that I should be worried?? I would answer any question he had for me.

What do you all think? Is it normal for a guy to not want to answer questions about his past?

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

Thanks for your question. It’s one that probably a lot of women wonder about.

But our question to you is: Why do you want to know details? Is there something driving this? A worry? An insecurity? A trust issue? Something must be driving your desire to inquire. Fill us in.

The reason he’s being evasive is because he doesn’t want you to feel threatened by the information he shares; and he doesn’t want it to impact your relationship because he loves you and has chosen you instead of her. But clearly he can sense your insecurity about this other woman/relationship. We agree with his statement: The past is the past. What happened then shouldn’t have anything to do with your relationship now. We’re assuming he loves you and wants to focus on that moving forward. (What is it that you could be so curious/worried about?)

The other thing you need to understand is that even though men are curious about their girlfriend’s past experiences—they might even reluctantly ask questions—they still don’t really want to know the details, especially when it comes to sex. So he’s putting himself in your place and thinking, “The last thing she wants to know is how I had mind-blowing sex with my ex.” (Sorry, that probably didn’t help, but you understand our point.) That’s the last thing he would want to know about. That kind of information is too much for the male ego to handle. What he doesn’t realize is that when you ask—when all women ask—you actually really want to know the answer. Guys also don’t understand that women are “threatened” more by the emotional connection rather than the physical one.

He’s also worried about opening up this whole can of worms. If he starts divulging information to you, then he might feel compelled to ask you about your past, and frankly he doesn’t even want to think about it. He doesn’t want to even imagine you having sex with another man. That’s enough to bum him out for years. Seriously.

So if you need to continue with this because you don’t trust him then proceed cautiously. Otherwise let it rest. You’re not doing your relationship any favors by continuing with this line of questioning.

Your thoughts? Leave us a comment below and feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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10 Comments on He’s evasive when I ask him questions about his past; why? (Relationship and Sex Advice)

  1. Hey guys,
    Thank you! This insight REALLY helped me
    understand his perspective. You see, this insecurity all started about 1.5 yrs ago when I asked if his ex rode at any of the barns in our area. He and I both work with horses and I didn’t want to unknowingly work for we or talk to her. Initially he said no and told me not to worry about it. 6 months later it came up again and I discovered that she and I actually ride at the SAME barn and that I’ve seen her 100 times and know her! Ahhhh I was so mad. I felt so blindsided and I felt really stupid for not picking up on that earlier! To his defense he said that when I asked him that question she wasn’t riding there and the reason he told me 6 months later was bc she was there again and he thought I would want to know. I get it. I understand. I’m past it. However that experience made me a little paranoid about the rest of his exes. What if I’m at a horse show talking to someone and everyone else knows its his ex except me? I would feel like a moron yet again! To remedy these feeling of fear and insecurity I asked him how many of his exes are in the horse world. He said 3. I feel 100% better now bc I asked my sister in law about his past and she gave me the same answer and told me a little bit about them. Now between her info and what you guys said I can let it rest. I really DID just want to know them so I can avoid them and not worry about feeling stupid again. Thank you!

  2. @Kristin…….Well, it looks like we maybe provided a bit too much information, since you were worried about horses, not intimacy or sex. But it’s always good information to know. (And share with your friends in case they have a similar issue.) Glad we could help. Take care. And thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends.

  3. Hey guys, no your response was perfect! It was everything I needed to know and hear. I was worried about intimacy and sex. That’s why I wanted to know if his exes were “around.” sorry if my previous comment didnt make much sense. We have a 4 month old and I’m a bit sleep deprived! Thank you so much for your help though! I definitely tell my girl friends about you guys!

  4. @Kristin….Great! We’re glad we could help. Take care and good luck with the sleep. You’ve got another few months to go. Repeat after us: Coffee….coffee…..coffee……..or tea.

  5. Hi Guys,

    Long time! I had actually written you guys waaaaayyyy back in September 2011 – I tried to find my question in your archives but it’s probably lost in the recesses of cyberspace lol… because it’s about the SAME guy! I’ll refer to him as J. And now I think I’m rivalling the world record for a friends with benefits relationship – 2 years!! And we’ve NEVER talked about it (except for once, as per your suggestions).

    Anyway, I’ll quickly re–cap. So Summer 2011 J and I met in grad school and started seeing each other as FWBs (I’ve never been in that position before) after graduating. I was leaving to move to the UK (we live in Canada), and we had a really fun time when we were together, I don’t think either of us thought much about it, at least he sure didn’t. Anyway, I moved and we stayed in touch and he actually had booked a trip to Italy for a week before we started seeing each other, and he wanted me to travel with him – so we split my ticket and I went over there from London to spend the week with him. He opened up to me about a lot of things and since then we’ve been pretty close. Then of course after the trip, I totally missed him and really wanted to know whether he saw any sort of potential of us dating… so I contacted you guys! And you had suggested I just have that conversation with him, because it did sound as though he might’ve wanted to, and I had the convo and lo and behold he really did just want to be friends. He let me down easy and did tell me that he cared about me and values my friendship. And even though I was disappointed I was ok with it because I was overseas, and I really do want to be friends above all.

    SOOoooo… three months later I ended up moving back to Canada for family reasons and we kind of fell into our routine that we had before I left. But because I did still want more from J I think I got a little clingy and drove him away – he’s still in school so he studies a lot. But during the time we lost contact I started to see someone else so I chalked up our relationship up to past is past. At any rate, after almost a year he did start contacting me again out of the blue (I had broken up with the other guy, J doesn’t know I was dating anyone, I don’t publicize much over Facebook). I’m not sure why exactly he did contact again, but I did notice a timeline (I also overanalyze a lot): it started when he invited his closest friends out for a celebration (he’d received some great health news, saying he could now consider marriage and children… at some point). We didn’t hook up that night because I was pretty tired but it meant we were talking again. Maybe a month or so later, he had a pretty major falling out with one of his best friends (a girl) and started contacting me a lot more – as far as I know their relationship was platonic though. So it seemed to be after these two events J started contacting me again; I’m not sure if there’s a direct correlation but it was going on in the background. Anyway, so here we are, August 2013 and up until now I’ve generally been cool with it, even though it drives my best friend nuts that I still hang out with him (she says he doesn’t make me a priority – but at the same time it’s not like I also try to make plans in advance with him, although I’d like to). It’s also because I’m 31 (he’s 30) and she is worried that if I spend too much time with him I won’t go on dates with other guys or consider other guys, which isn’t the case because I only make plans with him as I would with a friend. My friend is also frustrated/worried for me because she knows I have a lot to offer – I am very educated and that I’m told am very pretty (I don’t totally see it lol), and am genuinely nice. Generally, when a guy starts to date me he’s the clingy one and they are usually very good about planning and confirming. Maybe I am intrigued by the chase with my friend!

    Basically, the reason why I’m writing this now (after two years!) is because he really frustrated me last night lol. And I got a pretty good lecture from my friend today when I told her what happened. Yesterday, he did his very typical modus operandi: calling me in the afternoon to see what I was up to for the long weekend and see if I’m in town, which I am, but I told him (truthfully) that I had a lot of random plans. Then he wanted to know what I was up to in the evening (I had a date! But the guy I was meeting was only meeting me before a birthday party so I had planned to cut my evening short by 9ish). So I told him I was meeting up with friends for a couple hours, but could be free around 10ish if he wanted to hang out. He asked me where I’d be, and I told him, and then… silence… he didn’t confirm whether 10 works for him. And the problem is that when he just checks in with me to see if I’m around and I make a suggestion which works for him, I feel as though I’m putting more effort into plans if I go forward not having him confirm with me or at least a “sounds good” lol. I’m attempting to maintain some sort of dignity! I don’t micromanage plans with friends, but I’m used to more dialogue. So I decided I wouldn’t text him until I got a confirmation so when 10pm rolled around I simply didn’t make contact, and then he texted me close to midnight asking where I was; I guess that was my confirmation that he did want to see me. So even though I really wanted to see him, I didn’t want to show up at his place not sure if he even did want to meet up at that time. Should I have gone MIA like I did or maybe because we had already tentatively confirmed should I have just texted him around 9:30ish to see if he still wanted to hang out? I’m really annoyed at myself because I haven’t seen him in ages!! I’m not even sure what I’d say if he told me he wanted to date me, but I think there’s potential for us – if (and I emphasize ‘if’) he wanted to try. I think I’m mostly confused because he takes the initiative to see me but as soon as he puts that plan in motion I end up doing the rest of the work. I know he cares about me but he’s just so ‘meh’ about drumming up any sort of outward enthusiasm. Or so often he contacts me (checks in) and then I feel as though I need to suggest hanging out otherwise he might go MIA on text.

    He invites me out with his close friends and co-workers and we do talk fairly frequently, maybe one or two times a week. And I’m really torn, because I don’t want to lose the FWB relationship with him, but it also is frustrating that he doesn’t make me a priority. And I do realize, we’ve both set a precedent that we don’t really have to prioritize each other. He just kind of sees what I’m up to and if it works, great, but if not oh well (I reciprocate as well). I’ve made peace (for the most part) with the fact that he’s not going to want to date me (I don’t know how we’d even move forward as a couple even if we tried… but I’d be willing to try) and I’m not sacrificing opportunities to meet other guys because of him. But I’m annoyed at him!!! I’m also worried that if I have a conversation with him he might be reluctant to hang out with me, and I’d rather be frustrated and still hang out with him rather than not see him at all. Do you think you have any idea of what’s even going on inside his labyrinthe of a mind?? Help!!! Please and thank you so much :)

  6. @Alex……It’s nice to hear from you again. Sounds like you’ve been busy. Okay, so there’s a lot to discuss here. First off, we think it’s time for you to get the straight scoop here. But understand we’re coming from a supportive place. We completely agree with your friend. This is going nowhere. He’s had over two years to figure this out and he’s still doing the same old stuff. He contacts your for two reasons. 1. When things aren’t going well in his life and he needs emotional support, with some extra benefits. 2. When he’s horny. That’s it. There’s nothing more here. He would have already taken this to the next level. You’re both young but not that young. So yes, you’re wasting your time with this guy. Seriously. You say you’re not passing up opportunities, but actually you are. Because you’re in an emotional holding pattern you just don’t realize it. Listen to your friend. She’s totally right. Stop catering to this guy. In fact, we’d cut off all ties with him and move on completely. No friendship, because we don’t think he’s a great friend. He’s getting his needs met and you’re not. You might say. “Well, I like the FWB aspect of this.” Well, our response: “You can get that any time you want. Guys are always up for that.” But when you find a guy who truly loves and respects you, the sex will be even better. We hope you’re ready to hear this. And truly, we’re trying to be supportive. So take care and keep us posted. Thoughts?

  7. I know you’re totally right! I needed to hear that straight up… someone just slap me on the hands lol. And I figured that was probably what you’d say but of course there was that other part of me that didn’t really want to acknowledge that our friendship is a bit of a farce (sadly). I really have just given him so much benefit of the doubt, I keep excusing him and justifying his actions, because obviously I care more than he does, which sucks but the writing’s on the wall (when/if I choose to look). I guess I have just gotten way too used to this as the status quo, which is so dumb because I would never have tolerated this from anyone else :/ And I’ll do my best to not respond to his texts or other attempts to contact me so that we can both just go our separate ways (because I imagine he won’t go out of his way to get in contact). Thank you for your help!! I really appreciate it and indeed I was ready to hear this. I will be sure to recommend you guys to my other friends who may or may not be willfully blind :)

  8. @Alex……..You can do this. Be strong. And be in touch.

  9. Guys! Such funny timing that I had emailed you about the stupidness of my FWB. A couple weeks ago I met another guy who is AMAZING. First date on Friday – awesome, we totally clicked. We talked on the phone for four(!!) hours on Sunday and then yesterday, on our second date, he brought me a beautiful bouquet of roses. I’m shocked and overwhelmed (in a good way), but I hope his enthusiasm isn’t going to run out of stamina – it’s such an extreme from my situation before! Thanks for talking sense into me and helping me totally let go :) :)

  10. @Alex……YOu’re welcome. Keep us posted.

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