Hooking up without being attached; would a guy do that if he wasn’t into me?

Dear Guys,

This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.

Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.

But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.

I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).

We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..

Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…


Dear D,

Thanks for your question.

First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky  affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.

Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)

We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.

Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)

Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.


ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!



22 Comments on Hooking up without being attached; would a guy do that if he wasn’t into me?

  1. @Lady in dilemma….We have a Facebook page, but we don’t do much with it. We focus on the site, which is a consultancy for dating! Right!? Anyway, if you really think you want to try again with your boyfriend, full disclosure might not be a bad thing. That way he’ll really know what he’s getting and be able to make his own decision as well. Our suggestion with that situation. Don’t force it. If it’s right, great, but if you’re not feeling it, don’t settle. As far as an open relationship, why? You might as well just move on if you’re going to do that. Using your boyfriend as a “safety” isn’t a great idea for you and for him. It will keep both of you in a holding pattern. As per your friend. We gave you our take on that situation. For you, for him. He’s not serious about anything. Here’s the test of someone who really wants to be friends: Will he want to keep in touch once you both go your separate ways? Doubtful. You’ve got to stop focusing on him. We know it’s hard, but it is what it is. Sometimes it will be fun, and at other times it will be frustrating. You need to lower your expectations significantly. Hope this helps. Take care and keep in touch. Good luck and keep us posted.

  2. HEy! so we’ve been talking almost every day via text. I know with texting only right now we are feeling each other out. Today i feel like he was testing me a lot. lol i won’t layout the whole conversation. he complimented my random comments and how it makes it fun to talk to me. hes starting to see i’m everything but boring. flirting led to him saying damn now you have me wanting a quicky. i just winked. he then said and i gotta put a ring on it for round two lol me: what?? lol him: you said no more sex because you are relationship worthy so for round two i gotta put a ring on your finger ha me: all i heard was put a ring on it which made me think of beyonces song. which made me think time to run as fast as i can lol. i should wait till marriage wouldn’t that be the biblical thing to do i’m too sexual for that lol i’m faithful that is good enough in my eyes COMIN ON A LITTLE STRONG lol. he thought that was funny. him: i’m too sexual for that also and i’m never getting married. me: it’s completely your right to never get married and to date more than one woman at a time but i want you to know i’m ultimately looking for an exclusive relationship with the right person. i just want to find out if we are on the same page before anything gets taken any further. i would entertain marriage if he was the right guy for me. why waste each others time if not on the same page. ya dig? him: i agree i just don’t know that there is that right girl for me. i’m never opposed to dating i like dating its fun and a change of pace. me: i don’t know what you mean by i don’t know if there is that right girl for me. you wouldn’t know until you both found each other lol i’m a hopeless romantic i have faith my better half and best friend is out there. i know he is. i’m too good of a person. him: i dunno. maybe one day i’ll find her hopefully but who knows. honestly id love to get married the thought of it all. the life together and the kids and the wedding and all. i just get that iri feeling mine isn’t out there lol me: stop being so negative lol you have to believe you will or you are right you won’t ever find her. him: i believe one day i will. i just don’t see the soon part of it. this last response what does it mean?? he brought up marriage saying one minute he will never get married then saying i believe one day i will was it just so he could find out what i wanted or what my honest answer was? what is a witty or clever response to i believe one day i will. i just don’t see the soon part of it. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO RESPOND SO I SHOW I’M GOING WITH THE FLOW. i feel so proud of myself though, it shows i’m confident in who i am now because i can set my boundaries with no problem. Please help me with your input. Thanks!

  3. @Amy…..We think you should stop focusing on the minutiae and focus on the overall message. Basically the two of you are on different pages. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to get married, or that he doesn’t think he’ll find “the one.” You keep saying that’s what you’re looking for, and know you’ll find it one day. Interpreting that exchange should be your focus, not each specific text he sends. The message is clear: If he thought you were “the one” he wouldn’t be saying any of this, don’t you think? Maybe it’s too soon to run the other way, but as you move forward, keep those eyes open and don’t compromise too much to make this work.

  4. i think i’m just frustrated now hearing we are on different pages. I want a relationship and he doesn’t. i’m even more annoyed because since finding this out he has been making fun friendly convo, which is fine, but now saying have a good night sweetie. have fun. the words of affirmation like that annoy me right now since nothing is coming about it and maybe i’m just being impatient. But now i’m wanting to remove my heart and chalk him up for friend zone. i do want a good friendship though before a relationship. builds a strong foundation. he did say he isn’t opposed to dating its fun. since he did just get out of a relationship i can understand not wanting to exclusively date and have the attitude why give 100% when 35% will get you laid. i’ve been there and done that. i’m thinking i will have to avoid drinking/hanging out to an extent so i don’t ‘slip’ and give it up again. this still has a chance right?

  5. @Amy……We’re not ones to say never very often. So yes, it has a chance since he seems somewhat interested. But he’s not flying 100% out of the gate if you know what we mean. He seems lukewarm, and usually a guy needs to be on fire for it to have a great chance to work. Why don’t you give it a little more time and see? Here’s what we think: It’s likely this will continue on the way it’s been until you make some change. Mixes signals. Up and down. Good, then frustrating. He’s content to have things go as they’re going. The question is not: Does this have a chance? The question is: Do you want to give this chance? And then, for how long? We hope this isn’t more confusing now. Take care and keep us posted.

  6. I guess i don’t know waht changes i need to make. i didn’t realize i was sending mixed signals. He asked me to go to the bar last night i obviously said no i have other plans some other time. I guess i don’t know how to get the situation to move from where it is at while letting him lead. I do want to give this a chance. how long? however long it lasts. i want to just have fun and roll with it but i want him to date him eventually so thats where i’m confused for once i set a boundary i will sleep with you when we are dating. this is good talking with you because it allows me to look at myself too to see where i can improve…

  7. @Amy……Actually, you misinterpreted what we were saying. He’s the one giving mixed signals. He’s the one who’s up and down. You’re fine. The changes we were talking about were you either staying or you deciding to move on. He doesn’t seem like he’s going to change. So it’s a question of how long you want to deal with his behavior. Sorry for the miscommunication. We hope this is clearer.

  8. The last time I talked to him was Wednesday, Halloween. Ended the conversation with “haha have a good night sweety. have fun.” after we had the conversation above about what i want. I haven’t heard from him via text or email. I do know that when guys need their space and pull away it is one of two ways. he will either come back from that space wanting more or he literally just isn’t that into me and is pulling away. period. All weekend i was on a trip away from home. He has been obsessively liking my facebook posts. It’s got to look good that i’m happy and complete with out him & my life will be just as great with or without him. I refuse to text him first as i want to give him space to lead. My question is, is there a time frame for the distance of no contact where I can say he’s just not that into me. I don’t know how long it takes for guys to have their own space to feel like they still have their freedom. I WANT who i’m with to have their own life and to always have the freedom they want/need as i want the same respect. thoughts?

  9. @Amy……We’re all for independence in the boundaries of a relationship. We think people should keep their friends and enjoy time with other people besides their partner. But that doesn’t mean being separated it just means that they don’t have to spend every waking moment with their partner. And going out and doing things apart, makes the time together more interesting. However, any guy who’s way into a girl doesn’t need any sort of physical space. We just don’t think this guy is on the same page as you. And we don’t think he’s as into you as you are into him. Sorry, we hate to say that, but that’s our perspective. What do you think? What’s your plan?

  10. I think we are not on the same page. I don’t understand why he would be obsessively liking my facebook posts. obviously he knows i will see it so i’m not sure if its just to keep him in my mind or what. I’ll continue to do my thing and dating around. I believe its a numbers game. The more i talk to/date the higher my chances of meeting someone. I’m still young so no rush. it will happen when it happens. i think i’m just annoyed because its hard to find someone on the same page.

  11. Is it possible I was too honest with him or said what i wanted too soon?

  12. @Amy…..Don’t second guess yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. (People tend to do that when they don’t get answers from the other person.) Trust us, when you find the right person you won’t be second guessing yourself at all. Hang in there and try to move on from this. (We know it’s hard) We’re talking emotionally, not physically. Let us know if we can help in the future. And keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing.

  13. since he stopped texting me over a week ago he has been obsessively liking all my fb post every day. it got really annoying so I sent him this, “dude, i totally understood from our last texting convo we are not on the same page lol you don’t have to keep indirectly staying in contact by liking my FB posts each day. It’s kind of annoying just had to put that out there since i’m all about being straight forward, friend ;)” him: sorry i didn’t mean it to be that way. you honestly just post a lot i agree with sorry. me: thats cool its all good i was just sayin ya dig?” him:”i didn’t mean to be annoying or anything i figured i was more annoying texting you all the time” me: “i think it was just annoying because i’m sick of no one ever being on the same page as me lol i just refuse to lower my standards i’m glad i said what i wanted early so i didn’t waste my time. thank you for not leading me on and just not contacting me. him: well my other thing is i’d love to hang out with you more. we had a blast. it just doesn’t always have to end in sex. just have fun out on the town. me: i’m all for that. friendship. just be straight up with me one of my biggest pet peeves are people who skirt around shit. call me sometime and we’ll hang him: i’ll do my best and i’ll hit ya up soon! Is it bitching for me to call him out in his game? I know if i were a guy i would respect a girl who was straight forward and told me what she wanted. But then again guys minds think way differently than ours. Part of me feels like he was just trying to save face by saying he wants to hang out more. I really would like to be friends. what are your thoughts?

  14. @Amy…….This is great. Guys respect anyone that’s straightforward, as long as they’re not being rude or disrespectful. We don’t think you were. As far as hanging out goes, be careful. We’d hate for you to be friends with him, and then derail your progress as you move on from this guy. Do you really want to be friends, or do you just want to keep the connection open just in case something might develop? Sorry, we have to ask. Because if it’s the latter, we’d suggest moving on. We think the friendship could get “undefined” pretty quickly, if you know what we’re saying. We’re talking about blurred boundaries. Thoughts?

  15. I totally agree as I’ve been there before where boundaries were blurred….quick like. Lol. Who’s to say he would actually contact me again or not. I do know it would be awhile before I would even allow myself to hang out with him. I’ve been single for almost 2 years and I’m at a point where I feel like it will be impossible to meet someone so out of the loop since its been so long since I’ve dated. Thanks for your input!

  16. @Amy….Well keep us posted on this situation, or how you’re doing in general. And come back and ask another question anytime. And we hope you get a chance to share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We do appreciate it.

  17. Hi

    I’ve a friend who was my FWB. We never got to sex but had heavy petting. Both of us were attached for more than 5 years to our partners but facing problems in a long distance relationship.

    His gf broke up with him, and he was crushed. He told me he wants to be friends, w/o the benefits. At that point of time i was avoiding him as i felt that things didn;t feel righ and i felt guilty. But i wanted to have a talk with him and that was when i knew he broke up.I had 1/2 episodes of drama with him because i felt so emotionally unbalanced prior to that.

    I didn;t want to remain friends but he looked so sincere so i said ok. After a while i decided to patch up with my bf because i felt that he is still the best option. My fwb knew and gave me his blessings. He told me Love cna overcome anything.

    After that he seemed changed. He don;t initiate contact as much, and he seems internally angry at everyone. He would refuse to hang out sometimes, at times his mood is extremely good. We communciate mostly by texts. I tried to care for him as a friend. He had lashed out at me twice via texts, and the during the second time he said i am always so “drama”. When he realised it was a misundertanding (some of the text messages did go through, so the message was disjointed and he misinterpreted). I asked him if he wanted eat lunch and he told me he was going out, only to let me catch him chatting to a friend in the schoold garden an hour later. I decided to cut all contact.

    He sensed it and he messaged me to ask me out the next day. I didn;t reply for a few days and when i did i say; i don;t think we should message anymore. If you want, talk to meface to face. So he came over to my room to explain that he was intending to go out but his friend wanted to go Canada study and was asking him about the application..so he decided to stay and talk to her. I knew he does not like the girl but treat her as an older sister because she is many years older and she can’t speak english very well and they came from the same country. He also said he knew of he had not talked to me, that would be the end because he understand that i am angry. He also thought that i might be happier without him in my life, but he don;t know what made him contacted me.

    yesterday, he cooked dinner and asked me if i wanted to eat. I did not reply till 20 minutes later but he didn’t bother to call as well. He knew i was having exams. He said he cooked my favourites and had me in mind and asked me for praise but i just smiled, because i didn;t believe him. I sensed that he didn;t enjoy my company as much as when we first started out as friends, and i’m not sure why he is doing what he did. He did not initiate contact as much, but yet he is willing to hang out.

    I try to keep a physical distance, but he oftens try to unitentionally brush against me, or to poke me in the tummy. He likes to flash his abs at me as well. His comments were weird too like:
    him: i am running out of underwear. maybe i should wear it one more day
    me: ee
    him: i think i need to buy more. but they stretch so easily
    me: buy a size smaller?
    him: is that what you do?
    me: no reply
    him: i think i cna only fit a L


    him rolling up his pants to imitate this cartoon character
    me: that is disgusting. You look like you are wearing hot pants. Can you oll them down.
    him: i just want to experience what girls feels when they wear short shorts
    me: their shorts are tighter
    him: mine canot go any tighter..my face will go blue

    He also told me that there was this girl at the restaurant where he is moonlighting. her visa is expiring and the only way she can stay is to either marry a local or declare herself as a dependent on smone who had a visa. He said that his colleagues were pressurising him to help her and he blew up at them. He also said that there was a guy who was willing to take the girl as a dependent but she rejected him. Yet she did ask my friend casually if he would take her as a dependent. I asked him why he is is telling me this, he said just saying.

    I;m not sure if the conversation are suggestive or if he is flirting or he simple treats me as a guy? Does he want to see if i am open to FWB again? Or does he like me now? Are we stringing each other along?

    I don’t know what he is trying to do? I thought we had agreed to remain friends and i asked him for lunch when i cooked for a few friends. I’m not looking for anything more. I just feel that he blow hot and cold. He said it is not me, it’s him.

  18. @Erica….We’re confused. Are you currently still with your boyfriend? And what exactly do you want? Would you rather be with this guy or your boyfriend? Let us know and we’ll offer our opinion.

  19. Lady in dilemma // January 31, 2013 at 4:42 am //

    Hi guys.

    I’m back.Thanks for your advice.

    I’ve thought through things and deleted my friend’s contact and Facebook. I don’t think he respect me anymore after what happened. I was probably more afraid to lose him, which I feel is my personal moment of weakness. So I’m trying to move on.

    Meanwhile, I have been trying to move things on with my boyfriend. He knew about my friend ( not the details), but generally that I was distracted and attracted to some one else before. He said he understand and I believed him. He said he’s willing to wait till I’m fully moved on.

    While I feel very comfortable with him, we clicked very well. But I just don’t feel excitement or a ‘want’ to see him. I’m making effort to because I think owe us to try again. How do you know if someone is the one?

  20. Lady in dilemma // January 31, 2013 at 4:47 am //

    Sorry for the typos as my phone isn’t tt sensitive anymore and it was hard to type. I fear not hurting him, and not bring able to find someone who loves me like him.
    I feel like a selfish moron.

  21. @Lady in Dilemma………Fear should not keep you in a relationship, which means fear of hurting someone, or fear of being alone. That said, are you now truly open to your boyfriend or is there still residue left from this other guy. That could be what’s holding you back. How do you know when you’ve found THE ONE? Some people go by a feeling, and some people just make the decision. We can’t answer that for you, but consider this. A wise friend once said: Everyone slowly gravitates towards the middle. Physical attraction can fade over time. And friendship grows over time. Both kind of meet in the middle. If that helps. Nice to hear from you.

  22. Lady in dilemma // February 2, 2013 at 6:06 am //

    I think I’m ashamed at how weak I was, how strong my fear was that my guy friebd will leave me, when in fact there is nothing to hold on to. He wasn’t serious, and I was forcing him to give me what I want when he isn’t ready. I was hurt, and guilty… But now I’m getting over it. What’s left is more of Shame, and a hurt pride.

    On retrospect the trip made me realised how well I clicked with my bf, and that he was willing to compromise and see me happy. We had a talk about my friend, and he told me he understand. I believed him because he is an open book.

    In fact, today was my bday, and he made plans and proposed. I thought I wasn’t ready but I was actually happy and touched at that moment. So I said yes. I hope this is a happy ending, and I saw how close I was to ruining this.

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