How do I approach guys without them getting too worked up?

Dear Guys,

I usually go for the ‘nerdy’ guys because I’m a gamer and like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, etc. And, being 16, I’ve never had a boyfriend, probably because I was at the all girl’s school. But when I do meet a guy, he’s usually a douche who thinks they’re ontop and can get all the girls. I can see that they get turned on by me, even without the slightest bit of flirting, but I feel a bit uncomfortable when it’s just the two of us because I don’t see anything I’m interested in. They are the type of over-confident, get-in-your-pants sort of guys, which is fine (and hot) but not really ‘love’ for me. Only one of the twenty I’ve met has been humble and shy with respect towards girls, but he was already in a relationship. He also said that he found me attractive and far from desperate. I know that some guys aren’t mature yet and go crazy when girls get too close. I just keep losing the ‘nerds’ to girls who don’t really like them, and attract the ones I don’t like and just want me for ‘it.’

How do I approach a guy I don’t know without being too flirty that it makes them horny (which is hot)? Also, how much do you change when you’re in a relationship? Also, is it better for girls to judge funny and smarts over looks? And, how do quiet guys see girls who are out of their ‘league?’ How do I tell them that they can have a chance with me? I’m sorry, I’m really new. Everyone says, ‘How are you still single?’ and ‘You can do WAY better than that.’ I don’t understand. I know common interests are a great place to start but the all girls school is annoying.


Dear Mona,

Thanks for your questions.

Our first piece of advice—which will be difficult for you because it’s difficult for anyone in high school—is to stop listening to your friends or classmates. They don’t know what’s best for you, only you do. And what do they mean when they say you can do better than that? What are they basing that on? Looks? Popularity? Coolness? In a word: whatever.

All young guys are horny and out of control, especially high school guys. This doesn’t stop with the over-confident athletic guys, yes, even the nerdy guys are. (They’re just too embarrassed to show it. And maybe too nice.) But rest assured they’re thinking the same thoughts as the other guys. But they’ll also be thinking about how interesting you are, and they’ll be thinking they want you as their girlfriend. The rest will be thinking about sex. Don’t be too hard on them, it’s just the way it is. But it’s good to be aware of this and not be fooled.

To your other questions.

1. Many women say humor is the top quality they look for in a guy. Why? Because relationships should be fun. Also, humor often implies intelligence which is probably the other top quality women look for. Many say intelligence is sexy. But this is all subjective Mona. The bigger question is what do what do you find attractive? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. (And this will fluctuate and change as you change in your life. That’s normal.) Figure out what YOU want and focus on that. It’s okay to want a cute guy. Just be honest with yourself. The key Mona is to find a guy that’s right for you, someone who makes you happy and someone you have fun with. That guy is out there for you, but it’s a matter of being open to all guys, and giving guys a chance even if you’re not sure at first.

2. Guys are intimidated by women/girls who are out of their league. But that still doesn’t mean you have to approach them. If the guy doesn’t have the confidence to approach you, maybe he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. So be patient. You’re young. Believe us, as guys mature and gain more self-confidence, it won’t just be the cocky guys approaching you.

Does this help? Have we touched upon all your questions? You should read some of the other posts at the bottom of this post. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. And leave us a comment here in the comments section.

Hang in there.


ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions to check out: 

A confused girl; the prom

The prom 

High school dating: Am I hot or not? 

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

High school dating to college long distance



4 Comments on How do I approach guys without them getting too worked up?

  1. Hi,

    I met a guy online and we went out on a date twice so far. Things are going great. I like him a lot and I think he finds me attractive. He asked me to go over to his place this weekend for a movie night. I want to go but I also don’t want to sleep over at his place. I want to spend time together, talking and watching movies, but I am not ready to stay overnight at his place. I don’t want to have sex with him yet and I don’t want to sleep at his place yet even without having sex. How do I say no to sleepover without hurting his feeling? How do I tell him that I only want to spend time watching movies at his place without staying over? Should I tell him beforehand or should I tell him after the movie and insist that I am leaving? I just want to take it slow. Thanks.

  2. @Amy……You have every right to want to take it slow. That’s a good plan. Tell him BEFORE you go over there. That way the expectations are clear. You don’t need to go into details, just tell him you really like him but you want to take things slowly considering how you met, etc. Tell him you’d love to come over and watch a movie, but you need to go home afterwards. That should be clear enough. If he freaks out or something, then you know he’s not the right guy for you. We’re sure he’ll be totally cool about it. Have fun. And feel free to ask another question anytime. Or a follow up.

  3. Hi,

    Thank you so much for your reply. I went to his place on that night and we had a wonderful time. We watched a movie and we talked a lot. I told him that I want to take things slowly, and as you said he was completely cool with it! I think I finally found the right guy. Thanks again for your advice!


  4. @Amy….You’re welcome. Have fun. And keep us posted. ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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