How do you know if he’s interested in more than sex?

Dear Ladies,

This seems to be the universal question, especially with Friends with Benefits, Hooking Up, F-Buddies, becoming acceptable practice among couples today. So what are the signs that might tell you he’s interested in more than sex? How do you know if the relationship is building towards a commitment? How do you know when to jump ship and move on? How long should you wait before you ask him to define the relationship?

Well, you’ve probably visited a 100 other websites written from a woman’s perspective. Here are a few for you to check out. (Elite Daily  Cosmo  LifeHack ) These are well written and informative articles but they don’t give The Guy’s Perspective. We want to share a few more basic “tells” that you should be aware of before you even get to whether or not he listens to you, or is nice to his inferiors, or respects your space, or asks you questions because he wants to know you, or makes you feel beautiful, or boosts your self-esteem and/or treats you as an equal. The “tells” we’re talking about are often ignored by woman universally, or if not ignored, go unnoticed, or deemed unimportant.

10 “Tells” to tell you if he’s truly interested……

  1. He only says he loves you during sex. Or right before sex. Or when he wants sex. (Keep in mind, a guy will do or say anything to get sex. Which means he’ll say what you want to hear.)
  2. He proposes a Friends with Benefits. (This means he’s already evaluated and decided that you are not relationship material. FWB rarely evolve into something more serious.)
  3. Your relationship moves from being serious to a FWB. (Not good)
  4. He says let’s just see how it goes. The old Wait and See. (This is fine and appropriate when you first start dating, but if it continues it’s a sure sign you’re in a purely casual and sexual relationship and it’s not going to change.)
  5. Communication is poor from the get go. (If you’re the one initiating it means he doesn’t want to put in the effort.)
  6. Communication decreases rather than increases. (He is either losing interest or he now thinks he no longer needs to put in the effort.)
  7. He’s super busy. (This is about priorities. Sure, there are times when a person is super busy but there is always time for a quick text to say the obvious. “Hi. I’m super busy. Thinking of you. Talk soon.”
  8. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends or family. Or he actually hides the fact that he’s dating you.
  9. He only wants to hang out, but doesn’t actually take you out. (This is all about effort or lack thereof.)
  10. He never wants to talk about the relationship.
  11. Bonus: He is checking out other online dating sites. Or his profile is still active.

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Or if you have other “tells” you’d like to share. (Leave in the comments below.)

If you’d like to book a private coaching session or conversation with The Guys, read the testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page and then click the Ask a Private Question option on our site and follow the steps. We look forward to working with you.


ps. Check out our Ask the Guys page to read more Relationship Advice.


32 Comments on How do you know if he’s interested in more than sex?

  1. Naive girl // March 28, 2017 at 3:59 pm //

    So I’m in high school and I really really like this guy. We’ve talked and he’s in my first hour and I’m friends with his best friend who tried to set us up, we were talking and things too a turn and we started sexting. I wanted to tell him this morning that I wanted more than just that but he unfriended me on everything and honestly I’m too scared to go up and talk to him (I’m very shy) I know I’m 18 and I should just blow it off but I actually really like him and I’m not good with communication.

  2. Hi Guys. I recently met a guy online. He is hard to figure out and I just don’t want to blow him off with giving him a chance. He wrote in his profile he’s looking for a mature women and he is not into games but I feel like I’m getting played.

    He likes me first on the site and I said I likes him in return. The site connected us. I messages first. I got no response for day. I was thought it was odd but was “Okay, fine”. I forgot all about him after that.

    The evening before the chat closed (you get 7 days to connect), he messaged me, responding to my hello from 6 days ago. I didn’t let it get to me and I tried to start a conversation to get to know him. I asked him what he was doing he said Watching T.V. I asked what he was watching, I got no response. I just shrugged and went to bed.

    The next day, the chat closed. I didn’t think anything of it. The site asked if I wanted to reopen . I didn’t say anything. A couple of hours later the guy reopens the chat to my surprise. I wanted for him to say something, but he didn’t…for 5 days. I thinking what is going on here. One night I was bored and I wanted to clean out my inbox so I just said hi to everyone in my open chats and close any that didn’t answer or weren’t interested any longer. Around 11:30pm, the guy answered me and said that he didn’t check the site often because he doesn’t get alert. He offered to give me his number. I said ok. The next morning he texts me. We had chatted some before I had to work. He told me he thought I was pretty. I told him he was attractive also. He asked me why I was on the dating site. I told him I was looking for a relationship and not looking to play games like he said in his profile. We texted back and forth for most of the day.

    The next day, I said good morning. He said good morning back to me. I texted him later in the afternoon, trying to start up another conversation. I got no response. The next day, I said hi to make sure he was still alive he responded that he was busy and he would text me later. He did but he didn’t seem like he was interested in a conversation.

    He wrote in his profile that he was very laid back so I don’t know what is going on here. I’m also 6 years older than him so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. What is with this guy?

    Insights please 🙂

  3. @Naive girl….How old is he? Sounds to us that he may have realized things went too far and instead of being mature about it and talking to you, he also freaked out and unfriended you. Have you ever actually talked to him in person?

  4. @Wanda…..If you want our honest opinion we’d say, move on. If you’re already frustrated and annoyed with his communication, it’s only going to get worse. Being laid back is a lame excuse. Being busy is an even lamer excuse. And they are excuses. You’ve done more than enough initiating. If he can’t get himself together or be considerate enough to communicate with you then he’s probably not the guy you’re looking for. Thoughts?

  5. Yes, I came to that conclusion last night. It just doesn’t make any sense after he himself complained about girls not being straightforward with him.

    I wish I could just find a guy whose communication is in the middle. I either get guys who talk too much to the point where they kill my phone or guys who communicate sparingly or not at all.

    I like my guys independent, but this guy is ridiculous:)

    Thanks again guys!

  6. @Wanda…..You’re welcome. Sorry it didn’t work out. Let us know if we can help in the future. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

  7. So mine concerns stem from a recent hook up. We’ve know each other for a while. We were all friends when I was with my ex. Since my break up I have really like this guy. There’s have always been rumors and suspicion he liked me to, but we never have confronted each other. Either way, recently I invited him to a party I had. During the party we hooked up. After we hooked up we were really intoxicated and he was going on and on about how much he liked me and how he has for a long time! next day he stays for a while, then leaves. So then we worked together a couple days later. Work was awkward but I we did both agree we wouldn’t tell anyone because of the drama it would start, as my ex is friends with people at my work. So since then things have gotten awkward and he actually seems mad at me for some reason to. I actually really like him and want something more but I’m not sure if he is interested and don’t want to look stupid asking him for a no. Any advice on if his drunk words meant anything? Also any advice on how to approach him to see if he feels the same or if I even should?

  8. @Lacey…..Well, it’s hard to say if drunk words mean anything, especially considering the circumstances. Drunk words are kind of like pre-sex words for a guy. Meaning, they’ll kind of say anything when they’re super excited or super horny. What would mean something is if he came to you and had a mature conversation and said he was interested in more than just hooking up. The fact that he’s doing quite the opposite should tell you that he’s not feeling right about what happened. Honestly, it would be best if you let him initiate any sort of conversation. If he doesn’t do that, then you pretty much have your answer. And if he doesn’t do that, but then wants to hook up again, you’ll know he just wants sex from you. We’re sorry. We think you should wait this one out and see what happens in the next 2-4 weeks. If nothing, then we’d say move on.

  9. Thanks:)

  10. Hi guys! So I thought i’d ask for your guys’ thoughts on my situation. I’ve been talking to this guy for a little over a month now & just randomly he didn’t text me for 3 days (which was really weird because he’d always text me every day, every morning. I asked if everything was okay after 3days of no response to my last message and he said he was overwhelmed with a bunch of stuff and said he was probably going to end up hurting me, I’m amazing, I deserve the best blah blah. So I asked him if that meant he wanted to stop talking and he said no it didn’t mean we had to stop. So I said okay and I was there for him if he needs anything. But he never read my text. I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. Why say we could still talk and then ignore me??

  11. @Megan…..It’s guilty speak. He’s rethinking how he feels, or isn’t sure how he feels, so instead of being mature and talking to you about it, he’s decided on the easier route of reassurance, but then no contact. But who knows, maybe he’ll get himself together and realize he’s making a mistake. Hard to say. What’s your plan?

  12. I don’t really know what to do. We don’t work together or anything so I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in person again because obviously he wouldn’t answer if I asked to talk in person. I just hate the uncertainty of possibly never knowing what’s going on in his head. I snapchatted him saying I hope we can at least be friends and I got the hint from him ghosting and he opened that but didn’t reply. So I guess leave it at that? Should I try to reach out again, just not right away or leave the ball in his court?

  13. @Megan…..So, did anything happen leading up to the ghosting? Like a fight? Disagreement? Something?

  14. Literally nothing, no fight, no disagreement or anything! The only thing is his friends came to visit so we didnt hang out for a couple days but we had plans right after his friends were leaving but then he ghosted. But he was still texting me when his friends were here, sending funny jokes, compliments, and then nothing out of nowhere.

  15. @Megan…..We are sorry. This is tough. Uncertainty is almost worse than an actual breakup. All we can say is his behavior is showing his character. “Ghosting” is for children. Seriously. Besides some sort of One Night Stand, which yours was NOT, we don’t see any reason someone would ghost someone else. The fact that he’s going that route should give you a glimpse of who he is and how he handles things when he’s uncomfortable. Not someone you’ll be able to count on. That said, we do hope you hear from him. Keep us posted. ps. And we hope you’ll share our site with your friends. Thanks. And on social media. It all helps. 🙂

  16. Yamitza // April 7, 2017 at 4:01 am //

    I’ve been FWB for over a year now. From the biginning he’s been very cleared that he doesn’t want a relationship. 6 months into it I decided to tell him how I truly felt. We have broken it of many times but we just can’t stay away.. sometimes it just starts with a simple how u doing.. So now we it’s been a little over a year and we still here.. It’s not like I just went to his house to have sex and go we literally planed dinner what’s his cooking bring the drinks and so forth.. we watched movies and yes long long ours of playing around before it let to sex.. We just have this amazing chemistry together. Now this was always at his house. We never told anyone or even when out.. Tull a month ago. I hadn’t called him.. something I do trying to distance myself from him sometimes.. and one night he just called.. What are u up to..also something different because he usually txt me.. so we spoke and we was just going for a ride.. I truly ended up having the most amazing time.. we ended up at a restaurant.. he opened the door, held my head and as we waited for food and drinks for the fist time in my life I’m making out full tongue at the bar of a restaurant.. He just can’t keep his lips of mine. Finally night was over.. we ended up at his house with no sex.. just us sleeping. O I try but he seemed very next time together he was under lots of stress so we spoke about it.. ended up at his place and we wanted to have sex so I think.. but instead we had so much more.. after our first sección Witch we didn’t finish we just started to kiss and look at each other aND hug and kiss some more finally we both just feel asleep.. We have been texting and talking just about every day or every other.. and his been more attentive since I’ve been sick.. Today we was texting and he texted..” Hey I will like to hang out, u know a couple of drinks and dinner. No sex just hang out if that’s OK with u?” I love that he wants to hang out.. we just have so much fun.. but OMG WHATS GOING ON?? Does he want more.. will it lead to sex.. we haven’t been having sex. We talk about it.. Is he trying to put me on just the friend zone.. WHAT WHAT WHAT??

  17. Still haven’t heard anything, haha. :/ Thank you guys for your advice though! Helps to get a guys perspective

  18. @Megan…..Wow. You know, sometimes we just don’t get people. Sorry to hear. Well, keep us posted anyway, and come back anytime. Take care.

  19. @Yamitza……He may be acting differently but we’d still keep your eyes open moving forward. If he hasn’t talked about a committed relationship then he probably doesn’t want one even if he’s acting like it. One word of caution: Don’t get caught in a holding pattern for too long. You’re in one now. You’ll regret it later. Good luck.

  20. Yamitza Vargas // April 11, 2017 at 10:54 pm //

    Thank You… Ive decided for now just to focuse on me and my family.. Ive change my number and deleted all contact. Im not getting any younger and the truth, I know deep inside Im only hurting myself.. So letting go.. If is meant to be.. He knows where I live. Thanks again… Love to read all your post.

  21. @Yamitza…..Sounds like a good plan. You take care of yourself.

  22. I’m back again haha. I finally heard from him. He texted me wishing me an amazing birthday, to spend it with people who treat me better than he did & he’s sorry for everything.

  23. @Megan……SO what did you think?

  24. I’m wondering if he really even means it or if he’s just trying to “clear his conscience” if it even matters to him that much. What do you guys think? Lol

  25. @Megan…..We kind of agree with your take. But it does seem a bit odd. If he’s going to ghost you, why try to look good now. Well, it seems obvious what your next move is. MOVE ON!

  26. So, I recently slept with someone I have liked for a long time. I had before ignored his advances when we went out as friends, we did kiss once but nothing happened after. back story is that I met him around 6 years ago and when he came to my country to study we because friends but always had this thing because we had kissed. I, though was quite cold to him because deep down I don’t feel like I am good enough for him in that way – anyway we spent time as friends and he even stayed at my place as friends but the last night we finally had sex and as I knew I fell for him after that. Now I cannot tell what he thinks…. at the moment he is away travelling so all I have is contact on text/online until I see him again. Problem is I know that some guys when they finally have sex with someone it is all they wanted? But How can I tell if I should act on my feelings or not? I know that he is seeing girls, maybe even meeting one on his trip, should I leave it and just see what happens?

  27. @Jenna…….You could tell him how you feel, but it might be better to wait and see what he says when you see him again? When is he back from his trip? What you don’t want to happen is that you become his convenient booty call when he’s in town; and then when he’s not in town, or not with you, he sees whomever he wants. (Obviously you know this, but we can see that this could happen if he tried to string you along. Hopefully he won’t.) But before we jump the gun, you need to wait for his return and go from there.

  28. So i met this guy at a college tailgate through one of my good friends (her boyfriend and this guy played football for our school together). We hooked up that night and he asked for my number and he texted me the next day. We’ve been talking every day for a month and a half. He’s graduated & doesn’t go to my college anymore but he is from my hometown. The one time i went home we tried to hangout but he texted me very late & drunk and I told him no i didn’t want to to go over there but we could hang out tomorrow. He kept pushing and pushing and eventually I got irritated so the next day I texted him and told him he made me uncomfortable and that i didn’t want to see him while I was home. He apologized and we didn’t speak for 3 days. My friends kept on telling me I should drop him but I broke the silence and texted him and things have been fine since. I am about to leave for winter break to be home for a month and he’s expressed that he wants to hangout while I’m home. I’m wondering if he actually likes me or is just looking for fwb.

  29. @Tammie……We don’t want to jump to conclusions, but sounds like he enjoyed hooking up with you and wants to do that again. Questions: What does he mean by hang out? Has he talked about taking you out, or just hanging out? What do you think he wants? What do your friends think?

  30. My ex bf who is my fwb at present doesnt even say “I Love You”. He only talks about sex 90% of the time. He texts me only when he feels like.

  31. So I have a situation with a guy I’m sharing a house with. He is several years younger than me and quite geeky. I am outgoing and always being told I am stunning even though I don’t see it. I really enjoyed spending time with this guy as a friend and didn’t find him attractive to begin with. He cheated on his ex girlfriend with me which I was not ok about and told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. He doesn’t want a relationship but we keep sleeping together and for me it feels like things are getting deeper in terms of intimacy but I also know if a guy really likes you he won’t let you go. I am thinking move out and move on before I get hurt. It’s just hard when a guy is so affectionate to you. Can a guy give me some sort of perspective please. Do they even care? Do they just want what they can’t have? Am I just a joke to him? I literally cannot read him or his feelings about it all.

  32. @Twizzle…..To clarify: You live with a younger, geeky guy. You’re having sex. (How regularly?) How/when is he sweet to you? (All the time, or just when he wants sex?) Question: What do you mean by, They just want what they can’t have? It sounds like he has you, at least physically. So we’re confused. Please clarify and we’ll respond when we can.

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