My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years now. (We met when I was 19 and him 25.) Apart from misunderstandings here and there, we get along great. He is such a sweet and amazing person and he treats me very well. I couldn’t be happier.
But that is just outside of the bedroom. When it comes down to intimacy, I often find myself doing all the work with no reciprocation. It is rushed 90% of the time and I get nothing out of it. I enjoy giving him oral pleasure and try to slow things down, but I can’t even remember the last time he has gone down on me. Whenever I try to tell him exactly what I want during sex, or comunicate my displeasure with him afterwards, he gets frustrated and shuts down, or has some sort of excuse. Lately, it has just turned into me masturbating in bed next to him. I don’t totally mind it, but I need more from him.
How can I comunicate this to him without having another fight?
Guys take pride in being able to satisfy their woman. When for some reason they’re not able to do that, some of what you’re describing emerges—doubt, insecurity, anger even. This is how the fake orgasm was invented. Some woman, generations ago, realized it was better to fake it in order to create domestic bliss rather than assert her own needs. Of course, you know how this works out. The woman is left feeling neglected, upset, possibly used, and turns to self-pleasuring, as her only way of getting what she needs physically.
It’s possible your boyfriend is just so inexperienced that he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. And here’s where it gets even trickier. He’s the older guy and probably sees himself as the wiser of the two since you met when you were so young. This makes your situation even tougher unfortunately, because it’s unlikely he wants to be educated by you, being the younger woman.
Both parties should feel satisfied in a relationship, on both the emotional, physical and intellectual level. You absolutely should assert yourself in this case, otherwise you won’t be able to assert yourself in other ways down the road. But before you move forward, understand that this is a huge blow to his self-esteem. You should not feel guilty at all, and you need to stop questioning your hygiene or attractiveness. However, you should at least be aware that he’s probably at a loss and not sure what to do, and instead of talking about the issue, he’s pretending it’s all good, or pushing back when you hint at the problem.
Before we make some suggestions there is something you do need to consider. Some people are more compatible than others. It’s just a fact of life. Relationships can work between people who are not as naturally compatible, but those relationships require open-minded people who listen to one another and do everything in their power to see that their partner’s needs are met. It’s possible you’re in one of those relationships. (Just wanted to put this out there.)
In order to address this issue you have to tread carefully and strike a balance between asserting yourself and comforting his bruised ego. Yikes. Not an easy place to be. Maybe it shouldn’t be this way, but the fact is, this is not uncommon. Men want to feel strong, powerful; they want their woman to think they’re smart, funny, and amazing in bed. When they realize that maybe their woman doesn’t think all of these things, they behave in three ways: 1. Pull back. Retreat. Put up walls. 2. Lash out. Misbehave. Sometimes even cheat. 3. A combination of #1 and #2.
At this point your guy seems to fall into the #1 category. And that’s usually where it starts. We’re not saying he’ll do anything more, but it’s something for you to be aware of.
So what should you do?
First you need to talk with him when you’re both feeling positive about the relationship. You need to reassure him that you love him and that you’re happy and that you see yourself being with him for the long-term. You also need to tell him that you enjoy having sex with him on many levels. (Yes. you have to stroke his ego even though he knows a but is coming. Understand that it’s more important for a guy to be thought of us a great lover than a great listener or emotional partner. It’s how we’re wired.)
Now comes the but.
But…..(you continue)….now that you’re getting more in touch with your own body, you want him to get in touch with the new you. Make him understand that you’re changing and you want him to change with you, and that the 19 year-old you, is different from the 23 year-old you and that you want to share that with him. You want him to be part of your evolution, and you want to be part of his. (This is a good time to ask him if there’s anything else he wants or is thinking about.) See how he responds and then you’ll know how to continue the conversation.
Another thought is to find a book you can read together. The Kama Sutra perhaps. Or do some research online about other sex books for couples. Try to make this more about a fun, shhared learning experience rather than a problem he needs to fix in order for the relationship to survive.
Thoughts? Any other questions?
Last thing: We do truly hope this works out. And we’re pretty sure it can if he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. That said, it’s also possible that you’re growing and evolving at a different pace and in different directions, and that maybe he was the perfect guy for you at 20, but now the two of you are not quite as compatible. Sorry to end on a down note, but you do need to consider all possibilities.
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All the best,