Husband masturbates while at work

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Dear Guys,

First off, I am an insecure person and always have been, but I don’t feel like this is an overreaction. Am I wrong? My husband masturbates while he is at work. He told me this during a conversation about three years ago. I told him that it made me uncomfortable and that I’d like him to stop. Not to stop masturbating, but to do it at home and not at work.

Today I found out that he is still masturbating at work. I asked him about it and he said that he hasn’t done it since I asked him to stop a month ago. That’s when I replied I had asked him to stop three years ago. And he said “Oh yeah, well I only do it after everyone is gone, and you’re usually asleep anyways.” He closes up shop and is the last one to leave work, but I am ALWAYS awake when he gets home. Always. It’s hard for me to fall asleep in the bed alone. I’m even texting him after midnight most of the time and he is obviously well aware of that. He took back that part of his excuse when I brought that fact up.

Hearing him say this makes me incredibly insecure. I asked him to stop years ago and he promised he would cause it made me uncomfortable. But now the fact that he says he waits until everyone is gone (which is when he can then leave work and come home to a wife that he knows is awake) is kind of devastating to me. When he told me about it in the past I assumed he did it after he was done with his paperwork, and was waiting for the rest of the staff to finish their jobs so he could lock up. But he’s doing it right when he could leave and come home. Am I that much of a drag to have sex with? Does he not find me attractive anymore? I’m ten years younger than him, and in nice shape. We have a very open and creative sex life, and I pretty much am willing to do whatever he likes. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong?

We have kids, so the sex is probably on average, two to three times a week, plus he gets a special treat from me once every other week. We have fun together and  love each other. We have occasional conversations when I’m really down; I’m open with him when my insecurities get bad and I feel “unloved.” I cry and tell him why I feel this way. And he even cries and assures me that I’m his world and that he loves me more than anything. I don’t understand why he’s masturbating at work right before coming home to me, instead of us having sex. This makes me feel like he doesn’t want me. Am I wrong? Sorry this question is so long, I just wanted to be as detailed as possible to get more accurate opinions.

J

Dear J,

Thanks for your question. We can understand why you might feel uncomfortable with your husband’s behavior. Masturbating at your place of employment, even if you’re the boss, is not the best practice, and one he needs to reconsider. That said, we don’t think that’s the real issue here. Your real concern is why he prefers masturbating to having sex with you. The simple answer is: He doesn’t.

It sounds as if you have a very vibrant and creative sex life, one that many couples would envy. Beyond that, your relationship is not all about sex, and the two of you love each other and support one another. The issue at hand—your husband’s masturbation—should not be enough to crack your strong foundation, but be careful not to let your insecurities worm their way into your relationship too often, even if your husband is supportive.

We get the sense that your husband might not appreciate how lucky he is. We edited your note a bit so we could put it up on our site, but based on the details you provided, most men would be thrilled to have a sexual partner as giving and willing as you. We don’t think sex should ever be used as a bargaining tool in relationships—men don’t like to be strong-armed in this way—however, maybe he needs a subtle reminder of how giving you really are.

That said, he’s not masturbating because he doesn’t want to be with you. In fact, if you’re having sex two to three times a week, and you have kids running around too, then you’re sex life is not wanting for more. He masturbates because he needs a release and it’s easy to do so. That’s it. That’s as far as it goes. You’re not the first women to see her man’s masturbation schedule as a threat to her, but it’s not. Think about it from his perspective. He’s feeling a bit randy, but he doesn’t want to come home and bother you, or he doesn’t want to come home and have a long session, he just wants to get his release, which by the way is probably over quite quickly, and come home and go to bed. Think of it in terms of shopping: Men don’t like to shop, or rather they don’t like to browse. They want to go to the store, get the thing they need, and leave. That’s what masturbation is like for a man. We doubt he’s lighting candles and putting on mood music. It’s more like a business transaction. He gets it done quickly and comes home to you.

However, this is not to brush your feelings under the rug. You’re not comfortable with the current arrangement and he should understand that and work with you to make you more comfortable. We already gave our opinion as to where he masturbates, but he also should be more sensitive to your feelings for the simple reason that this isn’t working for you. For example: Let’s say that two evenings a week you went out with friends instead of being home with your husband. And let’s say this bothered him and he expressed that to you. Probably a discussion would ensue and the two of you would work things out maturely. This is no different. Try not to think of this as some sort of inadequacy, but rather an issue that needs to be worked out between the two of you.

Sit him down and talk to him about this. Do it when the two of you are in a good place, not when you’re upset, and do it away from the bedroom. Maybe even go out to breakfast, coffee, or lunch and bring it up then. Our guess is, he’s going to want to work this out with you. Or, maybe he’ll be able to explain it to you in a way that you’ll be able to accept it. And this is where your insecurities can affect your relationship. “Negotiating” from a place of strength will always yield better results. If you discuss this in a even-toned, factual way, rather than a highly emotional way, he’ll probably be more open to changing his behavior.

Overall, you should feel good about the state of your relationship. We think you’ll be able to work this out. If you have any follow-up questions or thoughts, leave them below in the comments’ section. (For SPAM purposes you must be Logged In to do so. It’s easy.)

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll spread the word about us. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

Read more relationship advice on guys and masturbation. 

2 Comments on Husband masturbates while at work

  1. Thank you for answering my question. I understand, and I guess I just have one other concern. Seeing as how I asked him not to masterbate while at work years ago, and he still did it after he said he wouldn’t, and he understands that if ever caught this could have serious consequences professionally and potentially legally as well. What do I do about just the “at work” part of this?
    You said maybe he needs a subtle reminder of how giving I can be? Like I should give him more in the bedroom?

  2. @Jamie…..You need to separate the issues so he can actually listen to you. If you talk about the work angle AND your own feelings it will make it difficult for him to hear each issue. So if it’s really the work angle that concerns you, focus ONLY on that during one conversation. As far as our statement that he needs a reminder of how giving you are, what we were really thinking is that you might remind him that maybe his friends, or other people he knows don’t have such an active and vibrant sex life as the two of you. We’re not saying threaten, or anything like that, but more, point it out. Of course this should be a separate conversation than the work angle conversation. In general, you two need to hash this out and see if you can come to some sort of mutually beneficial solution.

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