Husband Watching Porn at Work

Hello Fellas,

I have a serious question that I am so very scared to ask my husband about. I recently learned that my husband watches porn while at work. I’m in no way a prude, we are very experimental and I’m really up for anything in our relationship as far as sex goes. But I discovered lately he’s been viewing it on a daily basis now while he’s at work and my first thoughts were that I was lacking something he desired. And I can’t really say that I’ve ever said no to anything that he’s ever requested in the bedroom.

I don’t want to confront him about this and make a huge ordeal out of it because I love him and I don’t want to cause him any grief. But on the other hand I can’t help but feel insecure and betrayed. Should I approach him about this? If so what should I say so I won’t make him automatically defensive and start a huge fight? I want to have a intimate conversation about this but I don’t want to bring my emotions into play and cause problems.

Please help,

Savanna

Dear Savanna,

You’ve heard it many times before. Porn is a billion dollar industry and growing each day. It used to be that people would have to go to some seedy shop in a questionable neighborhood and buy porn on the lowdown, which meant that it you were a guy, it wasn’t something you talked about much. Now that the web has made porn accessible to anyone with a computer, people’s perceptions have changed quite dramatically, and more and more people are making it, viewing it, and talking about it, even in the mainstream media.

We’ve received many questions from women concerned about their partner’s interest in porn and about the various activities involved in looking at porn.

We can assure you that most guys don’t look at porn because they are dissatisfied with their current partner. No, porn is a fantasy world to them, a way look at other women without stepping outside the parameters of a committed relationship. Women sometimes see their partner’s porn habit as a threat, but most of the time it’s not. It’s only an issue if the man begins to prefer his porn habits to the actual, real woman in his life.

In your case, the bigger issue is that your husband is viewing it AT WORK. That seems highly inappropriate, although he wouldn’t be the first guy to do this and he won’t be the last.

How did you actually learn of his behavior? Who told you? Did he get busted? Why is he viewing the porn? Is he masturbating at work as well?

So how do you bring up the topic Savanna? First off, if he doesn’t know that you know, that poses another issue because you’ll have to reveal your source, or tell him how you found out. He may focus on the fact that you were spying on him rather than deal with the issue of his porn viewing. (A way to deflect.) That would be the first thing you need to figure out. Once you get past that hurdle, we think you should focus on the WORK angle here, rather than the actual behavior. Once the conversation has begun, his porn viewing will be part of the larger conversation and you’ll be able to talk about it without him feeling as defensive right off the bat.

It’s also important for you to talk about how it makes you feel. (He needs to understand this.) But instead of telling him that it makes you feel insecure and betrayed, why not talk about how it makes you confused. Try to be matter of fact about it. Cite what you told us. That you’re open and willing in the bedroom and that the two of you have a healthy sex life. Focus on your confusion rather than on your emotions.

However, understand Savanna, that probably no matter how you bring up the topic he’s going to get defensive. The first thing he’s going to feel is embarrassed, which might cause him to lash out and somehow blame you. It’s hard to say what he’ll do. So before you start the conversation remind him how much you love him and how much you your relationship.

We hope this helps. If you have any follow-up questions/thoughts, please leave in the comments’ section below. You must be Logged In to do so.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

4 Comments on Husband Watching Porn at Work

  1. I did try to talk to him about it in an easy conversation and it blew up into him denying it and lashing out at me. I discovered it on his phone searches one day while looking for a contact and it was time stamped for the times he was working. Now that he has so aggressively denied this and has lied to my face this has created a whole new issue for me. Now I cannot trust a word out of his mouth as the truth if he would so furiously lie about something so minimal as porn, what would keep him from lieing about bigger things? This has sent me into a very bad place over the last month and I’ve since lost all trust in him and I don’t feel secure in my relationship anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sleeping or eating. It’s sucked the happiness out of our marriage. We haven’t talked about it since our big blow up. I don’t want to push him anymore. I never thought he would ever lie to me about anything. He’s always preached about being a straight forward honest man even if the truth hurts he still says it. So why lie now?

  2. @Savanna……Before you go into a deep depression about your relationship have you considered that he might just be very embarrassed? (We’d be.) And even though you have a solid relationship, being busted like that is literally like you walking into his office while his pants are at his ankles and he’s pleasuring himself. That said, it’s important to find out more, wouldn’t you say? Besides his vehement denials, has he given you any other reason to doubt him, or not trust him? Anything in the past? Present? Flirting? This might be your next point of conversation. Don’t focus on the porn issue, focus on what this has done to your relationship, and that you don’t want to feel this way, and that you just want to get back to a solid place between the two of you. The thing is, now that this can has been opened, there’s no closing it. So you need to figure out the best way to navigate these new waters. Thoughts?

  3. I have considered that he may just be very embarrassed. He us very hard to communicate with sometimes and those kind if topics are kind of uncomfortable for him to talk about. So far I’ve never had any reason to doubt his dedication to our relationship. But this just struck me very odd and I couldn’t shake it off. I’ve even told him that porns ok and I would never judge him for it because I have enjoyed it too in the past. Maybe he felt backed into a corner and reverted back to being like a kid caug by red handed. I can only hope his lies were out of embarrassment and not that there was something bigger to hide. We talked about if he would ever cheat on me and he was really offended I even asked that question and got really emotional. He said to never question his dedication or loyalty. That made me feel really guilty for even asking. But he still denied the porn and it left me battling thoughts in my head. I left it at that and didn’t push anymore because I didn’t want to cause any more distress or drama for him. But I’ve been really struggling with endless scenarios in my head.

  4. @Savanna…..Okay, we understand. Here’s another thought/suggestion. What if you wrote him a letter? Yep, a letter, penned by you, sharing your thoughts. (If you spent some time on it, you could get the wording just right.) It would certainly be less confrontational, and he’d be able to read it on his own time, and be able to think about it. It might open up a much-needed dialogue. From what you’re saying he seems like a nice guy and a dedicated partner who’s been caught and feels like an idiot, but instead of admitting it, he’s lashing out. Not the most mature response, but understandable. You need to figure out a way to give him an “out” a way to save face. This might be a way to come to a better understanding and push your relationship to a new level, maybe give it a facelift. Of course, there are no guarantees that this will work, but it’s an idea to mull over. Last note: If he continues to fight you on this, or push back, that’s when we’d start wondering if something else was up. But honestly, looking at porn is no big deal, as long as the rest of your relationship is solid.

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