I’m confused; are we in a relationship?

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Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready.  I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex  said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences?  I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic,  you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

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50 Comments on I’m confused; are we in a relationship?

  1. I’ve been hanging out with this guy for the last couple of weeks.I met him on my second semester of college, but talked to him rarely.

    After 2 years of not seeing him, I ran into him in another class. He is the only one I know in that class, thus why he sits next to me. We had to meet for a a project, he got my number and we started texting. We scheduled a date to work on the project, I texted him “well its a date!…maybe, I dont know.” He loved the idea and took me out to lunch after finishing, we went to his house saw a movie and we kissed…for a while.

    The latter classes were somewhat awkward because we didn’t know how to behave. Yet, somehow I ended up going on a second date with him,.. went to his house saw a movie, kissed and I slept with him (don’t judge, first time this happens) I couldn’t help it, I was too attracted. I told him on later days “I don’t sleep around, hope you don’t judge”. He laughed and said “I was part of it too so you don’t worry about it, you’re the one that should think bad about me”
    I realized it wasn’t a big deal, but we’ve been only on 2 “dates” (not sure if I should call them that).

    He shows interest in me some days, others he just doesn’t even try to make conversation, or really even care I’m sitting next to him. Previously I had promised him to take him to a Crepery,which is why I practically asked him out on Saturday. He was excited but told me he was not sure what time he could, he did text me Saturday morning giving me an excuse he couldn’t go out this Saturday. But he never gave me a hint of any future dates.

    What should I do? Is it wrong is I insist on going out for crepes (after all I was paying) or just forget about it? Should I just ask what his intentions are? Should I wait for more dates?

    I really like him, and I understand I was somewhat of a bitch for sleeping with him, but these things happen.

    P.S. He did change his behavior somewhat, not so attentive anymore, doesn’t text me much…etc. I do suppose its the post-sex issue.

    Thanks guys!!!
    I really appreciate all your hard work.

  2. @Julie….Yes, you are definitely describing post-sex activity when the guy realizes things have gone to the next level. Two things happen when it gets to this stage. 1. Sporadic behavior will continue. When he’s horny he’ll be more interested, when he’s not he’ll be less. You might go on a few more “dates” in which he’ll try and sleep with you but it will basically be confusing and frustrating. 2. After a few weeks to a month of figuring out how he feels he will come around and it will turn into a proper relationship. It’s hard to say which one but at this point we’re leaning toward #1. Sorry. However, you’ve made your intentions known. If you want to do that again by asking him out to crepes that’s fine but we wouldn’t do more than that. The ball is in his court. Hopefully he’ll come around. When is your class over? Hopefully soon. That will help make things clearer. Because right now you have to see each other. Keep us posted and feel free to ask a follow up question or a different question in the future.

  3. im 19 and the guy,shaq is 19 also. we both are freshmen at college, hes not in my field but we have alot of clsses togther tho we dont sit togther. he was one of the 1st ppl i started talking wen i jus sarted college. as i got comfortable, we drifted aprt untild decemeber last yr. i thought he was cyute from day one but i had a bf. now fast fwd to march 2012. me n my bf broke up in january. me n shaq got back close, talkin, studyin togther in groups. i started to get feelings for him. i was goin sum stuff at skl an i startedlimin with him more n realised that i feel soo happy around him. im always iin his room chillin. he told me he likes me, told him i llike him. shaq is a church boy not really into the girls hype which i luv. we cuddle alot n just tlk n watch movies in my room or his. one time i kissed him n he stopped me. i felt really dumb. so all we do is kiss on the cheek. i really like how i feel around him. hes like my fairy tale. always cuddling which i luv. i asked him one time if we r allowed to kiss n he told me he dusnt know. im confused tho. whem we lay down n cuddle n fall aslp, he gets an erection at times. he dusnt really let me touch down there.he gets me turned on as well but dusnt touch me down there. most he ever done was play with my boobs once n gave me a hickey once. whats his deal? he told me he’s not ready for sex and im not guna push for it cuz i kno he’s int church n i respesct that. but he gets me turned on, i get him turnede on and as that happenes, he jus stops. he says he has mixed emotoions abt me. i really like him an im afraid if we talk abt the situation ne more, he mite com to the conclusion to end things. whats ur advice? btw, we r not togther, jus like eachother.

  4. @Ann…..Our advice is don’t force the physical issue. Keep hangin’ out with him. Enjoy each other’s company. He might be a church boy but the more likely explanation for why he’s not trying to do more with you physically is that he’s a good guy and he’s not sure how he feels. The good news is: He’s a good guy. The not so good news is: He doesn’t know how he feels about you. So the best thing you can do is just wait and see. Hopefully he’ll come around. But don’t wait forever. Maybe see how it goes for the remainder of this year. One final note: Since he’s unsure, there’s no reason you need to be exclusive. The only catch to that is if he discovers you’re dating other people he might say goodbye. Good luck.

  5. hey i wasnt talking to my ex for like a week and he dont hang out much trying the no contact and when he contacts i keep it short and .. not very smiley.
    just the other day he asked to hang out and i said no.. then he texted later asking if im angry with him and i said no. I said its strange he wants to hang out cause usually when we first broke up i’d always ask him. Then told him … is free (his friend) and he said that no he wanted to hang out with me. he said I MISS YOU. i said i see you everyday LOL idiot .. he said nvm i just sound retarded sorry. i said okay.
    he said he was gonna go think and left..
    i scared him away’?

    and today we hung out i asked.. and he seems he doesnt miss me talked to this other chick the whole time.

    whats going on?

  6. and im just confused and i cant help but act angry cant be my happy self around him.. just him

    and probably pushes him away

  7. hey i wasnt talking to my ex for like a week and he dont hang out much trying the no contact and when he contacts i keep it short and .. not very smiley.
    just the other day he asked to hang out and i said no.. then he texted later asking if im angry with him and i said no. I said its strange he wants to hang out cause usually when we first broke up i’d always ask him. Then told him … is free (his friend) and he said that no he wanted to hang out with me. he said I MISS YOU. i said i see you everyday LOL idiot .. he said nvm i just sound retarded sorry. i said okay.
    he said he was gonna go think and left..
    i scared him away’?

    and today we hung out i asked.. and he seems he doesnt miss me talked to this other chick the whole time.

    whats going on?

  8. @Mon….He sounds like a player. And what does hang out mean? Have sex? If so, you’re going to go from a relationship to a Friends with Benefits relationship. That’s a demotion in our book. We don’t think he’s serious about being in a relationship until he stops hanging out with other women, professes his love to you, and then follows through by being loving, responsible, and devoted. If not, then it’s time to move on for real. Keep us posted and hang in there.

  9. @Lola…….What does he miss about you? Does he want to spend time with you or just have sex with you? That’s the question here and one you need to figure out. Even if a guy breaks up with a woman he’s happy to have sex with her as long as she’s willing to have her as long as she understands he’s not interested in a committed relationship with her. What do you think? Is that what’s going on here? It seems like it, especially since there’s already another woman in the picture.

  10. okay he isnt a player for sure.

    and no not sex we havent ever even gone there…

  11. @Lola…….Okay, well that’s good. How long did you go out for? How old are you? At this point we don’t quite have enough info to answer your question thoroughly. If you provide us with a little more info it might help. However, sometimes it’s just a matter of “waiting and seeing.” Keep us posted. And all the best.

  12. Hi, I’ve begun sleeping with this guy that I’ve been seeing for a few months and we’ve never talked about relationships or defined what we are, however I now realise I’m after exclusivity. I realise now that it would have been best to dicuss this prior to sleeping with him. Should I bring it up? How do I find out what he views us as, without adding pressure? And is it too late to make him want to commit seeing as he’s ‘gotten it all’ without having to do so?

  13. @Jenny……..Look Jenny, you just bring it up. If he freaks out well then you’ll have your answer. But really, if you’re sleeping with him already you certainly deserve an audience to talk to him about how you’re feeling and to ask him where he stands with this. Yes, you’re right, this probably should have been talked about first, but we’re not going to lecture you. This happens all of the time. There’s no bringing it up without adding some pressure, but actually that’s exactly what you want isn’t it? You want him to know where you stand, feel the same as you, and then commit. Right? So why not some pressure? Like we said, if he freaks, well then, is he really the kind of guy you want anyway? Sure it will be sad, but there are guys out there who are solid and cool. So yes, bring it up. You’ll be happy you did. We can’t guarantee the outcome but we can guarantee if things continue as they are you’re just going to grow resentful and angry. Check out our video on Friends with Benefits for some more insights .Also, you might enjoy reading the “Relationship Memoirs” page. Some good writers on there. Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted as this progresses. We’re pulling for you!

  14. Hey,
    I’m very confused. This guy texted me for four months two of them straight all day and night. He always talked about making me dinner, invited me to his future rugby games, and to swim at his apt., told his grandma about me (he’s very close with her), apparantly told all of his friends about me (they said he was in love with me-heard it through the grapevine). When I met one of his friends, he said he already knew about me. When we hung out, he acted like we were already together, held my hand, paid for movies and things I talked about (like a drink because I was thirsty,etc.), cuddled with me, told me he really liked me and didn’t even pressure me to go further than making out (our first kiss he asked me if he could). Now, he’ll text occasionally but only for a few texts then not respond. Last time I hung out with him (he acted like we were dating especially this night-and held my hand/held me from behind the whole night-told me to tell him when I got home and to be careful too) was a couple weeks ago and he said he wanted to see me more over the summer. A week later, he asked if I had any plans for that night and I told him not really, he never responded back. The next day he texted me and took forever to answer, and seemed bored/plain. This was only a week after we hung out! It never seemed like he was only after sex because he always texted me even when I was at school that was 3 hours away and he doesn’t have a car so we rarely saw each other, yet he still talked to me. I really miss him (as he supposedly misses me as well, is what he says) so I decided to text him tonight asking how he’s been, and of course no response. Typically he at least answers,even if it’s just a generic response but this time nothing. I never questioned him or acted clingy. I do work with his roommate over the summer, so I’m wondering if my coworker says anything about me that might turn him away from me, but I’m not sure. Also, he does work from 7am to 8pm every weekday so he’s extremely busy. But I’m still confused because he still could talk to me at least once. How can a guy go from extremely interested (from what it seems) to not at all within a week, even if they’ve known you and liked you for awhile? Why is he playing games? It seems so sudden and I fell very hard. Any advice?

  15. @Andrea…….Well this is a case of Fantasy vs. Reality. He basically, fell in love, with being in love. He fantasized about being with you, but frankly isn’t mature enough to deal with the real thing. This happens a lot. Guys will build up this whole story in their heads and then when it comes down to it they realize they’re not ready for some reason. This sounds harsh but try not to take it too hard even if it’s disappointing. Believe us, he’ll be doing this for a while with other people. Our advice: Find some guy who is genuinely interested and mature enough to handle a great girl like you. Feel free to ask us a follow up question or any other question anytime. And let your friends know about us. Thanks. Also, you might enjoy reading some of our guest writers on the “Relationship Memoirs” page. Thanks!

  16. Thank you! I know a couple years ago he had a pretty serious relationship for awhile, but I have no idea what happened between them. It’ll be very hard because, my mistake, I fell for him really hard, especially since he was the first guy I actually liked a lot that was interested in me (other guys seemed to be very clingy after a couple weeks of meeting, towards me and I was not interested in them for long). It seemed like it was going in a good direction for the longest time, even when I was away, but, like you said, he probably was just fantasizing. So did he eventually realize he just wasn’t as into me as he thought? It seemed like he was really into me whenever I hung out with him. And maybe this sounds stupid, but I always got a gut feeling that he was different than the other guys. When I first met him, I never worried about him and never wondered if I would ever talk to him again, it was like I knew already I would, subconciously. And whenever I thought I made a mistake with texting something or saying something to him, I did worry but then easily let it go and I knew he would still talk to me, I never questioned it. That probably sounds weird, but I had a different feeling about him than all the guys that talk to me. Of course this is probably why I can’t move on as easily because I dug myself a hole. With guys, I’m not usually clingy, or if I am, I never show it and keep it to myself, but with him, I feel like I’m being desperate and clingy since I like him so much (trying to hold myself back). So I should just forget him and move on or will he come back around and mature a little eventually? Sorry for all of the questions, I’m still so confused and hoping he’ll still talk to me and isn’t in a “fantasy land”.

  17. @Andrea……..We understand how you’re feeling. And honestly, we don’t like to make decisions for people, only help them see a situation from a fresh perspective. Should you move on? Well, he’s certainly not acting like he’s ultra-interested, but people mature. Guys might take a little longer, but yes, they typically do mature. We’d just hate you to miss out on some other possibility because you’re still pining for this guy. Why don’t you give it a little more time and see how it plays out. You don’t need to come to a quick decision right now. As summer nears you’ll get some more answers. Then see where you’re at. In the meantime try your best to be as “open” as you can when it comes to meeting other people. You never know who might be around the corner. And feel free to check back with us anytime. Take care.

  18. Hi,
    I have known this guy for 17 years and we have had this on again off again thing. It will last for 2-3 years at a time. The first time we were teenagers, we were friends before I allowed anything to happen. He had to chase me for a year, the second time I was about 25 and married. My husband had been cheating and I stayed and remained faithful for years. My husband and I had been together for almost 7 years at this point. I was out with a friend and ran into this guy and we went back to his place. We started to see each other almost every night. He decided to go back to his ex, which he had a child with. He didn’t tell me this he just kept telling me I wouldn’t understand. That was confusing to me because my husband and I have 2 kids. I said whatever and let him go. The second go round lasted for about 2 and a half years. This time I am 32 and he is 34. My brother got in touch with him and he asked “how is your sister doing”. I e-mailed him and told him how I had felt for all these years. He responded quickly. We have been emailing and sending text messages, we have seen each other twice in 7 months. He was engaged and now has 2 kids. The girlfriend wanted to get married soon I guess and he said no. He told me he is not in love with her. He has been telling me that I should have married him, I told him you never asked. He tells me his feelings haven’t changed over the years, he wants to be with me, he would marry me and he is confused. He ended his relationship with this girl a couple of weeks ago. This has gone on so long that to me it either is or it isn’t. I emailed him and told him to take the time to figure out what it is that he wants. I do not want him to contact me again unless it is me he wants. So, with all this said, yes I myself am confused and have no clue what to do, except walk away again.

  19. @Monica…….Well, what stands out for us is, what about your husband? What about your current relationship? What about your kids? Tell us more about what’s going on. Because you seem awful eager to dump your current situation for this guy—a guy who seems more confused than you.

  20. I am not in love with my husband. I stayed for the kids. Him going on websites to meet strangers did it for me. My husband and I were together for almost 15 years. Our relationship was not as loving as it should have been. He would buy me expensive gifts and I knew he was guilty about something. That is how he operated. My kids are 12 and almost 10. My husband and I have been apart for 6-7 months and the kids are fine. Our marriage has been rocky from the start. We never should have gotten married. We were talked into it by friends and family. My husband is a cheater and has been since I can remember. No I never should have stayed but I thought I was doing the right thing.

  21. @Monica…….Okay, we understand. Sorry you’ve gone through so much. As per your question: Yes, your instincts are good. The ball is in his court. You need to wait until he’s really serious and ready to follow through, because right now he’s taking you on an emotional roller coaster and not following through with actions. But on the flip side, he did just break up with his girlfriend only a few weeks ago, so give him some time. Also, if you can handle it, there’s nothing wrong with some friendly banter between the two of you. This might be a way to help him realize how great you are, and what he’s missing. But he shouldn’t be talking all serious unless he’s prepared to back it up with actions. But don’t walk away yet. You need to see this through to the end. Then, even if it doesn’t work out, at least you won’t have any regrets. Keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask a follow up question anytime. ps. Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a Memoir.” Finally, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!..

  22. Berlinda // June 3, 2012 at 10:45 am //

    Dear guys,

    I’ve been friends with this guy for 3 months now and I do have a crush on him.

    Initially, he seemed interested. Here are the things that he did:

    1) He invited me out with his friends before on facebook. I was the only girl who got invited to that event.

    2) Whenever I asked whether he would want to try my drink, he would accept.

    3) He didn’t mind sharing soup from the same spoon with me.

    4) When I complaint that I was cold, he would touch my hand to feel how cold it was.

    5) There was a time I asked for a hug. I was expecting your normal casual friendly hug where our hands were on our upper back, etc but instead, he gave me a tight hug with his hands on my waist instead.

    6) He used to touch me quite a bit. Appropriately.

    However, the signs that shows he wasn’t interested were:

    1) He has never initiated texting/fb chating/ calling before. I did the messaging.

    2) He doesn’t stare at me as much as I try to notice.

    3) He hasn’t been touching me as much as he used to.

    4) When I was messaging him yesterday, he asked me to go and chat with another guy. I know he is busy but, I didn’t like the fact that he asked me to look for another GUY.

    Did he lost interest or something?

  23. @Berlinda……While you do describe a guy who might be interested—by the things he did to show you that—the other signs are just as apparent which means his behavior lacks consistency. And when actions lack consistency typically it means either a lack of interest, or an uncertainty of interest. The fact that he doesn’t initiate contact is the biggest sign that tells us he’s probably not interested. Otherwise he would be messaging/texting you all the time. We’d suggest staying friends with him, but keep your heart open to new possibilities. What are your thoughts on this? ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page.)

  24. Hello back about a month ago I hooked up with a guy who had rejected me over a year before at this party. We kissed exchanged numbers and then quickly made plans to met up again for a more “friends with benefits” type situation for the summer.

    As the weeks progressed however we both started to (or at least I) started to develop more feelings and brought up the idea of a relationship. He was initially against it but after another week or two of just sleeping together and hanging out in group style setting with his friends he began to call and text more and officially asked me out.

    Just recently we had our “official” date that did end in sex but still had all the cliches (he paid etc)during this date he revealed that at the start he was just sleeping with me to have sex before he transferred colleges and that he initially had a low opinion of me. He also admitted to previously giving me a fake number and acting like I had texted the wrong person months before saying he was scared & just didn’t want a relationship. (however i was texting to clear my contacts not to start anything)He says that now he 100% wants a relationship & that sleeping together as friends first for a couple weeks made him realize this and he bad ideas about me had changed.

    Is this new relationship all just an elaborate scheme that keeps me sleeping with him a couple extra months before he moves or can his opinion and idea about dating really change in the short 4 weeks we’ve spent together. I’m really starting to like him & don’t want to get hurt if he’s just lying for the sex.

    Can guys really change their minds so fast?

  25. @Alex……Anything’s possible. But why would he lie? You already agreed to have a FWB summer with him anyway. Wasn’t he going to get what he wanted all summer without having to lie? And yes, sex is a powerful thing. A guy could change his mind. And some guys don’t like to make a decision about a woman UNTIL they have sex with her because too many times the dating part is great only to have the sex part be a disappointment. So if he lied, it’s possible the lie happened when he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship right at the beginning. Does this make sense? What are your thoughts? Feel free to ask a follow up question and check out some of the writing on our “Relationship Memoirs” page. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  26. am really unsure where to go with this situation. I dated someone for a short time several years ago but it didn’t work out and we went in different directions, no hard feelings. I ran into him about 9 months ago and we started talking but he was in a off again, on again relationship which he had been in for about 5 years. So it could only be a sex relationship which was fine with me as I wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship. She ended the relationship about 6 months ago and he and I started getting closer. About 3 months she decided she wanted to see him but it they didn’t get back together except that it caused him to stop any sex that we were having. We spend every weekend together, speak on the phone everyday and everyone considers us “boyfriend and girlfriend” but just yesterday he said he is afraid to have sex as he doesn’t want to lose anymore people out of his life. He says he is still confused. But that we have a special relationship. He wants what we have, loves everything we have. We are in our 40’s. He doesn’t want to be a old lonely man. I truly love this man and he is aware of my feelings……What to do?

  27. @Tina……So explain this a bit more. So were you having sex, but aren’t anymore? And what’s going on with this other woman? Is he testing the waters with her? And is he now having sex with her, but not you? Some more information might help us give you a more complete answer.

  28. Yes we were but he stopped it. No they aren’t. He has said that he doesn’t want a relationship. But wants to enjoy the time we have together on the weekend. Drinking coffee on the porch, bbq’s with the family, doing things together. I am really not sure whether I should back away and let him “sort” things out or what I should do. We hug and kiss but no sex.

  29. @Tina……This is a 50/50 call. If you trust that he’s telling you the truth, and he truly is trying to sort things out we see no reason why you wouldn’t keep spending time with him. Of course, you probably need to give yourself an end date for that. It’s not like you can do that indefinitely unless you really want to. But if you get any sniff of deceit we’d say to move on. It would be nice to know what’s really going on with this other person.

  30. I know that she has called and invited him to lunch and he said that he is going to have to end even the conversation as he feels that she is stringing him along. He has been very honest about the calls and even has taken a call when I have been there. I think the hardest thing is him saying that he doesn’t want a “relationship”. He is aware of my feelings. But I am not sure if sure I am making him “comfortable” when he figuring it out. He said that if he met someone they would have to deal with our “friendship” and that he hoped if someone came into my life that I would continue to have a relationship with him. But then our “friendship” continues right on like normal…calls, weekends and such. My heart belongs to him why would I want someone else?

  31. @Tina…..So it sounds like the two of you might want different things. He’s saying he wants you as a friend. But you’re saying you want more, right? If that’s the case, this sheds a whole new light on things. How are you going to feel when he goes out with different women trying to figure this out, while he uses you as a sounding board? We can see you getting tired of that scenario and growing resentful.

  32. Hello guys!

    I met this guy on an online dating site three months ago. Since we started talking he texts every morning and night to start and end the day together and we also text throughout the day. He said he does not like talking on the phone so we do our primary communication via text. If I do ever call him, he always answers and talks though. Anyway, he is still active on the online site we met on but he told me he thought his account was hidden, which is obviously not. I go on to see if he has been online and he usually has been. I know it’s still early and I don’t think he has actually gone out with anyone, but how can a relationship be built if he is still looking? I have talked about it with him but I never get a real answer and I don’t push the subject since we are still new. But he asked to meet my child, which he has now done and recently he had me spend the weekend with him and his family while they were  in town visiting .  So my question is: should I be worried that we text more than talk and he is still online? Or should I take the other steps as steps on the right direction and stop worrying about it?

    Thanks!

  33. @Nicole……Tell us a little more if you could. You mentioned he has a family. Does that mean he has kids? How far do they live? One town over, different state, what? How long has he been separated/divorced? What about your relationship with him? How far has it progressed? Are the two of you intimate? GIve us some more info otherwise it’s hard to say what’s going on. One note of caution: We’d be a bit wary about introducing him to your kids—or any man for that matter—until you know for sure that they’ll be sticking around. It’s not great for them to experience people coming and going all of the time. Let us know your thoughts and we’ll get back to you. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  34. Hi Guys! I met a guy just over 2 months ago at a baseball tournament through mutual friends. We clicked instantly and started texting back and forth for awhile and been hanging out together about 6 weeks ago. I have met his good friends, and he has met mine. He also met my parents 2 weeks ago, and I met his yesterday. [we both live at home, 45 minutes apart]
    He is 2 years younger (23) but much more experienced then me. I have had one 4 month relationship; he has been engaged but was cheated on by her (this was 2 years ago).
    We slept together 2.5 weeks ago, and have now slept together 4 times.
    At the beginning he was very aggressive with his texting and as soon as I became comfortable with it, he backed off (this was before we even had sex) and even though he does good morning/night, we don’t talk to much during the day (no “how was your day” etc). Is this normal? (My ex texted constantly).
    The past 2 weeks he has been working 12-19 hour work days and he was on a pre-planned (before we met) guys trip on the long weekend so until last night I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks. When we are together everything seems good. We went out last night and pre-going out we cuddled and he tried to touch me and I told him not until later and he cooled it. At the bar, a few drinks in he started calling me “baby” which is new (even when we’ve been drinking before he never called me anything like that). He’s not a PDA kind of guy but he was touchy at the bar. We have always cuddled and stay the night post-sex.
    I guess with all this, I’m wondering how to tell if he’s only in it for the sex or if he’s thinking possible relationship. Or if I am just a friend with benefits? But how come he would keep coming back when I’m very unexperienced with sex, live 45 minutes away, and have met the friends and family. At what point can I bring up “the talk”. I am reluctant to do it right now because he is so busy with work I don’t want to add extra stress to him. Any thoughts???

  35. @Cara…….It’s getting close to bring up the “talk.” Our rule: If you’re having sex it’s not too soon to talk about it. You see guys might pretend they aren’t sure about having a serious relationship, but usually they just say that to the girls they aren’t sure about. Meaning, they don’t always say that. It depends on the girl. So if you bring up the “What are We?” conversation and he freaks, well that might be a bummer, but it’s better for it to happen now, rather than four months from now. Because bringing it up now isn’t going to change the outcome. That’s what we’re saying. Whether you bring it up now, or later, he’s still going to say the same thing. And if you wait and keep having sex with him, he’s only going to have less incentive to want a serious relationship. You see, guys also know pretty quickly if they really want to be with a woman. Once they have sex with her, they know. He knows. So what are your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  36. Hi guys,

    Just a follow up! Well, things didn’t turn out as I would have liked. After Sunday we briefly texted Sunday night and I didn’t hear from him at all. Today is wednesday, and I decided theres no point in driving myself insane, and texted him.
    I basically said “So I guess I won’t see you until November then” (when his work slows down) and he said “ya…:(“. Clearly not super upset. So I told him I really like him alot but obviously the timing isn’t right and we’re not on the same page, so when he gets less busy I’d love to hear from him but for now it’s better that we leave it as is. He just said “I wish I didn’t have to work so much. I’m really sorry. I’ll definitely message you when I have time”. So I guess it’s a matter of if he does or doesn’t, but for the time being I will regain my sanity. I do like him, and ending it on a note like this is nice because it does leave it open to try again when times better .. but it doesn’t hold me back from meeting someone who does have time right now for me.
    Thanks for your advice though, I am glad I didn’t wait around and drive myself insane wondering why he wasn’t texting me.

  37. @Cara…….Well, that’s not such bad news. Of course, you do realize he’s going to be the same guy in November? He doesn’t seem as into you as you are into him. And you deserve to have a guy who feels as you do. Wouldn’t you say? We’d urge you to be very open to meeting someone new. Good luck. And definitely stay in touch and let us know how things are. Or ask another question any time. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  38. The eternal optimist in my believes that feelings can change so if he does contact me eventually, I would be willing to try again. However, I do feel stronger now after standing up for myself and finding out what was going on… so if he does come crawling back, my guard will be up, remembering this experience … and I also know what to do different (no sex before commitment!). BUT that all boils down to the IF he contacts me.
    In the meantime, I am free and single and open to meeting someone new who can appreciate me and give me time. I’ll be sure to come back here if/when I have more questions about the mystery that is men!! Thanks again guys! (I’ll tell me friends 🙂

  39. @Cara…..You’re welcome Cara. All the best to you. And yes, keep in touch. Thanks.

  40. Hey, Guys! It’s me again. So, I survived the need for validation with my new Taurus guy. He’s been very patient with me, and I know I don’t deserve it. Fast forward to my birthday celebration last weekend. When he left the club abruptly, I was shocked and didn’t understand. Now, one week later, I’ve only seen him once (at our weekly event with friends), and I apologized in person for my behavior (which I know he realizes is NOT a regular occurrence.) He said “that s***’s gotta stop!” He was referring to public PDA–remember, he’s very well-known in the community and is a very private person–I overstepped my bounds and he’s pissed or, at the very least, embarrassed. Bad move on my part! That bring me to my first question, but here’s a little more observation for you.

    With the whole body language thing, I was clued in to this. He sat next to me at the event (unusual) and his legs and feet were angled toward me and not away from me. When I talked with him about a situation unrelated to us, I leaned in to the table and so did he. He maintained eye contact and never turned his back to me or moved away. He did leave early–I left soon after because I was really too tired to attend in the first place.

    So, he’s upset with me and hasn’t contacted me since that event. He isn’t a regular on the phone/text anyway, but we do chat on an online dating site, and he has let it be known that he only gets on there to chat with me and isn’t “trolling” for other women. Since Wednesday, I’ve seen him on the site (and he would know I’m online, too) and he’s obviously chatting with someone ( have the upgraded package and can see how long it’s been since he was online, etc.–he has the basic package and can only see when I’m online.) It hurts, but maybe it’s what I deserve, at this point.

    OBSERVATIONS:
    1. This guy obviously talked to his best friend about me, because his best friend said “Nice to finally meet you” when I had only met him once (and I took this to mean that he’d already heard about me!)
    2. “He” took his son to our weekly event to check me out (another male friend confirmed this), because his son kept saying, “I like her, Dad”, when I was away from the table.
    3. He paid for my drinks as a “birthday gift” in front of our friends, which is HUGE for him. The female friend who witnessed this said he NEVER does that for anybody.
    4.His comment about the birthday celebration could have been because other guys at the table gave me birthday “sugar” on that night, too–on the lips.

    QUESTIONS:
    1. Has he had enough and wants to call things off completely?
    2. Am I right for giving him space and time to think about this?
    3. He’s been very “in” to me this whole time–was this the last straw?
    4.Not being an expert on the Zodiac, but knowing that Taurus men are patient (and he’s really proven that), will he give me another chance after he’s cooled off?
    5. Am I over-analyzing the “gotta stop” part of his comment in thinking that it could have continued with “in the future?”

    My plan is to NOT attend the weekly event for the next two weeks (because my daughter is coming to visit, but nobody knows that). I don’t call/text him–not my style. I figure one of two things will happen: A) he will think I’ve fallen off the face of the earth and contact me, or B) he’ll just be finished with me.

    HELP! This is the LAST mistake I can make–it may have already been too much!

  41. @Breezy….We’re missing some info, aren’t we? Last we heard, he still wasn’t modifying his schedule for you. And you were giving more than him. So we’re not sure what you mean by “he’s been patient with me.” It seems you’ve been patient with him. But we don’t understand his overreaction to the PDA situation. Why couldn’t he nicely say that he’s not comfortable with it. (When it was happening) Instead of making a big deal of it later. Clue us in a little more so we can properly answer your question/s. Thanks.

  42. This is the guy who works in the public school system and is very well known in the community. By being patient with me, I’m referring to the fact that my need for validation has been handled very well by him. When we first met, he needed affirmation that I was interested, etc. and when the tables were turned and I needed the same, he didn’t to the “pull back.” I’m not making excuses, but I can tell you that his not modifying his schedule and seeing me more has to do with the fact that nobody knows we’re seeing each other yet, and he isn’t comfortable with people knowing that we met online. Since we share the same group of friends, I’m seeing that he wants to be around me for several weeks at our weekly event, and then everyone will see that we’ve casually gotten to know each other–a smooth progression. His strong reaction has everything to do with his position in the community–our mutual friends even tell me that he doesn’t like students/parents seeing him having a beer in public (we live in the “Bible belt” where things are still a little backward). He wants to maintain a professional image. Is he allowed to have a social life? Of course. Like I said, we haven’t seen or talked to each other since last Wednesday and he won’t see me for two weeks at the weekly event. Trying to be scarce on my end and hope he’ll come around. If/When the decision is made to go “public” with the fact that we’re dating, I think that’s when the conversation of “schedule changing” should happen. Right now, I’m just trying to maintain and see if this can even work out.

    Does this help?

  43. @Breezy…We definitely remembered the guy, but we weren’t sure about the validation piece. The “bible belt” info also helps. We can see why he might feel the need to be more conservative. Of course, some of that is internal. Not everyone would be this ultra-secretive. But it is what it is. We’ve said that we don’t love these absences of communication. It seems like a mixed-message to us. But we agree with you that lying low and letting this unfold with him at the lead is the best way. No other way about it. As far as the incident of PDA, well look, if he’s that worked up over it, then there’s nothing you can do. Frankly, not every guy would have gotten worked up over it. He may be very cool and interesting, but honestly, he does seem a bit uptight, job or no job. Keep that in mind. That will carry on throughout your relationship. Maybe he’ll ease up if this relationship progresses, but even still, he does seem almost too guarded, and anal. Answers to your questions: 1. We can’t imagine he’d call it off at this point. Seems a bit extreme if he did. 2. Yes, give him space. Seems like he needs it. But don’t compromise yourself for this guy. 3. Were there other straws before this one? We can’t see what you’ve really done to deserve any of this. (If there’s any of this going on.) 4. We don’t know anything about the zodiac really. But, we still can’t see what you really did wrong. 5. The fact that he said “gotta stop” implies he’s thinking about the future. Our concern: That you’re going to compromise, and change who you are to be with this guy. Please be aware of that and be careful. Keep us posted and take care.

  44. You guys are awesome! Too bad “he” couldn’t have seen me last weekend. He would have flipped if he knew that this 52-year-old woman was being chatted up by a 26-year-old man! Boy, Howdy!! I’m making a promise–I will not change who I am for this guy!! I like who I am and, albeit I’ve had some issues with rejection after being dumped in a 20-year marriage, I’m over it! The other “straws” I was referring to were my need for validation. He needed it in the beginning, because he felt insecure (although we aren’t exclusive). I think he had stronger feelings that he let on at the beginning. My feelings have just started to develop, and I needed a little validation, since I’d heard he was a “player.” Frankly, I don’t see him as a player, because I’ve seen the soft side of him that he never shows in public. In any event, my need for validation almost every time we were together had to rub on his other nerve! He has been patient and hasn’t turned tail and run the other way–yet! He won’t see me for two weeks, because I’m hiding out (well, my daughter is in town from out of state, and I’m spending time with her) and I’m not going to the online site in the evenings (when I know he’ll be on). He may just think I’ve fallen off the face of the earth! If he’s interested, he’ll try to find out!! Thanks, Guys!!

  45. @Breezy…..You’re welcome. Good luck. Enjoy your time with your daughter and keep us posted.

  46. Hey, Guys! Well, it’s been one week with no contact from this guy. I am not visiting the online site when I know he’s there, and he isn’t initiating calls/texts to me to find out why. Should be a “no brainer”, right? Tonight is the weekly event that I’m NOT going to attend. My friends seem to think it will peak his curiosity, but if he’s not interested anymore than nothing is going to peak his curiosity. The more I think, the more I realize that his frustration/anger comes from my apology. Not sure why it is, but I have apologized to him for things that I know have frustrated him. Now that I’ve had some time to think, I realize that I’m apologizing because he’s given me the idea that something I’ve done has offended him. I never want to offend anyone, and I’ve probably come off as insecure. Wow! Just writing that sounds so icky!! I do have lots of confidence, but I don’t think I’ve shown that to him. His stubborn nature (leaving chats midstream, asking me leave at halftime of Monday Night football instead of staying for the whole thing, and abruptly leaving the club on my birthday) show that HE has the problem–not me! I get it, now!! I’d love to hear YOUR take on how it “feels” when a woman isn’t as confident/secure as she might let on. Maybe that will help me “get” what man see/hear/feel/think about furthering a relationship and why they would step back or stop things altogether. When I joked with him on the phone a while back “Oh, we’re in the friend zone?” which was totally appropriate to the conversation, he replied with “I said at the very least.” He is easily frustrated and definitely doesn’t bring out the best in me. I’m willing to say “Next!”, at this point but would love your views on the above. If he’s frustrated at my insecurities, he’s probably gone…do you concur?

  47. @Breezy…..We sensed this wasn’t a good fit, but it’s better for you to discover that on your own, rather than us say it. You wouldn’t have believed us anyway. (At least at first.) Now that you’re in a different place here’s exactly how we see it. This guy is uptight. All this secrecy about his job, is all a bunch of crap. Excuses, frankly. And believe us, if you think things were frustrating in this courtship, imagine what it would be like to be in a long term relationship with this guy? Now, the point here is not to bash this guy. We’re sure he’s great on a lot of levels, but that doesn’t mean he works for you, and you for him. The two of you may have some chemistry, but for the important pieces of a relationship, the two of you are not a great match. You seem like the kind of person who wants to show that you love someone. You don’t want to restrict yourself in that way. We’re not talking about PDA, we’re talking about the freedom to express yourself. He seems the opposite. Very controlled. When two people who differ in this way get together, it’s a major clash. And it goes from there. So all this talk about your insecurity is really just his way of recognizing the mismatch before you did. Instead of being honest, he got angry with you. Before you get too upset with him, understand that it was his way of trying to make things work. He liked you, or likes you. But he was frustrated, like you were. His way of showing this was to act how he acted. Your way was to get insecure. Does that help? Hopefully you’ll learn from this, and choose someone that allows you to be you. Isn’t really what everyone is searching for? Finding someone who brings out the best in us?

  48. Thanks for the prompt reply! I didn’t like who I was during this time–for all my confidence, he brought out the worst in me. I know, going forward, that I shouldn’t have to explain myself or apologize for anything unless I directly “wrong” someone. He IS uptight, and that’s probably why he hasn’t had a “meaningful relationship”, as he puts it, in 8 years. For his controlling nature, he needs a passive woman–that’s not me!! As I move on, I may be back to this forum. So glad I found you guys–only wish we could meet!!

  49. @Breezy……You’re welcome. Good luck. Maybe one day we’ll be traveling to different cities talking about relationships, and having open forums/discussions. We’ll see. Take care and keep in touch.

  50. A couple of months ago I was hanging out with this guy my friends wanted me to meet, and we ended up having drunken sex. That was my virginity. I was really upset for a while, but he kept trying to get a hold of me to apologize and make it up to me. Eventually I agreed, and we started hanging out as friends. Eventually we began to get closer and started having sex. I was honestly using him for sex. I thought that since it already happened, I might as well figure out what I’m comfortable with (kinda make the best out of a bad situation). He insisted that he really liked me, and introduced me to his family and best friend (who were only visiting him for a couple of days). When they left, he told me that they all really liked me and that him and his best friend agreed I was marriage material, which really freaked me out since we weren’t even dating. He also really wanted to meet my family, saying ‘You’ve met mine, now I get to meet yours’. As the relationship went on, I actually started to fall for him, and it seemed mutual. When the summer ended, he had to go back to college (in another state), but we decided that we were going to keep at this. Not date, but stay in touch and visit each other when we could. If someone else came along, then we would accept it and go our separate ways. Well we’ve been trying this for a while, and I’m a little concerned about his intentions. He used to text me to say goodnight, or hello, or have a nice day. Then he started only texting me late at night. Whenever we skyped, he would try to get me to take my clothes off, and wouldn’t really get into a real conversation. We tried sexting recently, which he seemed really happy about, and I was ok with because now skype was for talking, and texting was for sex. It worked. Then the other night he told me he was hanging out with some of his guy friends and was trying to sext me at the same time. I was really disturbed and managed to maneuver out of the situation but it made me wonder. Why on earth would someone want to sext while drinking with their buddies? He also always seems to be trying to feed me the things I want to hear (like the ‘you’re marriage material’). And it’s so sad because he doesn’t even understand what I want to hear. He also always seems upset when I don’t let him pay for dinner or I walk into a building without letting him hold open the door. Whenever I try to talk to him about where we stand, he tells me not to worry, and won’t talk about it further. He also made plans to visit twice, and cancelled both times (one on my birthday). Is this just some sad twisted purely sexual relationship, or is there any real emotion behind it. I’m really hesitant to invest anything in this if he is just trying to get me as his backup sex plan. We are sophomores in college, so maybe it’s just the fact that we’re young that this isn’t working out. However, I just can’t help but feel that everything to this point has been an attempt to maintain sex buddy status. I’m really frustrated and confused. HELP!

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