I’ve been happily married for almost twenty years. On a business trip a few months ago, I met a guy at a bar and we really hit it off. I found him incredibly attractive—physically and intellectually—so when he made his hopes clear, I couldn’t resist taking him back to my room for long. The sex was hot.
I haven’t hooked up for more than 20 years, but no one night stand has ever been stuck in my head like this one. I keep reminiscing about the time we spent together, dreaming about him and fantasizing about the possibility of connecting again next time I’m in his town. Am I completely crazy? I need to let this go, and am not sure if it is really “him” that I’m obsessing about, or the experience itself.
What’s the guy’s perspective on this situation? Do thoughts of me cross his mind, and if so, does he just think I’m a total whore? What would he think if I reach out next time I’m there—would he prefer that I just go away forever, or do you think he might welcome the opportunity to spend another night together?
Thanks in advance for your advice!
Thanks for your question.
The sex is always hot in this type of situation. You’re in a new city, you meet a new person, the conversation is exciting, the tension builds, the hotel room beckons, and the next thing you know you’re having the best sex you’ve had in a long time. Well of course you are. Think about it: Breaking the rules is exciting; it’s always been exciting—remember doing this as a kid?—but that doesn’t mean you should do it. And honestly, the hot sex, has as much to do with the situation than it does the person, maybe more.
But for the sake of your question we’ll start with this other man’s perspective, and then go from there. We don’t know his status—married or single—but if he was into the sex the first time, he’d be into doing it again. Not many men would turn down sex in that situation. (Unless he’s married and feeling guilty.)
However, we’re not recommending that. We’re recommending the opposite. We think you need to figure out why you strayed, so it doesn’t happen again, and then recharge your efforts on making your sex life within your marriage more exciting. Or renew your efforts to make your overall marriage more interesting and exciting, which often leads to a better sex life. Is this the first time you’ve done this, or has this happened before? (We get the sense it has just from the way you worded one of your sentences. “I haven’t hooked up in more than twenty years.”)
So what’s your plan? Why do you think you were open to an affair? Can you pinpoint what’s wrong in your marriage that made you want to have sex with another guy? You say you’re happily married, but typically, people who are happily married don’t have affairs. So what’s the deal? Are you bored? What’s happening? Finally, do you think you’ll tell your husband?
So yes, we think jeopardizing your marriage for an exciting fling isn’t worth it. (You didn’t even say if there were kids involved, which would make the stakes much higher.) Remember, that the very nature of a fling makes it exciting. It’s taboo. It’s done in secret, almost as if you’re getting to live someone else’s life for a time. And who doesn’t want to do that from time to time? But we suggest quelling your urges, not contacting this guy again—or tell him not to contact you again—and focus on your happy marriage, so it stays that way.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave us a comment in the comments section below. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.
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