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I hooked up with another guy while married

Hi Guys!

I’ve been happily married for almost twenty years. On a business trip a few months ago, I met a guy at a bar and we really hit it off. I found him incredibly attractive—physically and intellectually—so when he made his hopes clear, I couldn’t resist taking him back to my room for long. The sex was hot.

I haven’t hooked up for more than 20 years, but no one night stand has ever been stuck in my head like this one. I keep reminiscing about the time we spent together, dreaming about him and fantasizing about the possibility of connecting again next time I’m in his town. Am I completely crazy? I need to let this go, and am not sure if it is really “him” that I’m obsessing about, or the experience itself.

What’s the guy’s perspective on this situation? Do thoughts of me cross his mind, and if so, does he just think I’m a total whore? What would he think if I reach out next time I’m there—would he prefer that I just go away forever, or do you think he might welcome the opportunity to spend another night together?

Thanks in advance for your advice!

Suzie

Dear Suzie,

Thanks for your question.

The sex is always hot in this type of situation. You’re in a new city, you meet a new person, the conversation is exciting, the tension builds, the hotel room beckons, and the next thing you know you’re having the best sex you’ve had in a long time. Well of course you are. Think about it: Breaking the rules is exciting; it’s always been exciting—remember doing this as a kid?—but that doesn’t mean you should do it. And honestly, the hot sex, has as much to do with the situation than it does the person, maybe more.

But for the sake of your question we’ll start with this other man’s perspective, and then go from there. We don’t know his status—married or single—but if he was into the sex the first time, he’d be into doing it again. Not many men would turn down sex in that situation. (Unless he’s married and feeling guilty.)

However, we’re not recommending that. We’re recommending the opposite. We think you need to figure out why you strayed, so it doesn’t happen again, and then recharge your efforts on making your sex life within your marriage more exciting. Or renew your efforts to make your overall marriage more interesting and exciting, which often leads to a better sex life. Is this the first time you’ve done this, or has this happened before? (We get the sense it has just from the way you worded one of your sentences. “I haven’t hooked up in more than twenty years.”)

So what’s your plan? Why do you think you were open to an affair? Can you pinpoint what’s wrong in your marriage that made you want to have sex with another guy? You say you’re happily married, but typically, people who are happily married don’t have affairs. So what’s the deal? Are you bored? What’s happening? Finally, do you think you’ll tell your husband?

So yes, we think jeopardizing your marriage for an exciting fling isn’t worth it. (You didn’t even say if there were kids involved, which would make the stakes much higher.) Remember, that the very nature of a fling makes it exciting. It’s taboo. It’s done in secret, almost as if you’re getting to live someone else’s life for a time. And who doesn’t want to do that from time to time? But we suggest quelling your urges, not contacting this guy again—or tell him not to contact you again—and focus on your happy marriage, so it stays that way.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave us a comment in the comments section below. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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12 Comments on I hooked up with another guy while married

  1. Dear Guys,

    Thank you for the thoughtful response; it was truly helpful. Breaking rules is indeed exciting, and deep down I already knew that my response was probably more about the situation than the person. I appreciate your validation and sage advice.

    To answer your questions, I have not done this before. And I don’t plan to tell my husband. Do you really think it would be constructive to do so? If he knew about this MAJOR indiscretion, I’m sure it would crush his spirit and wreak havok on our happy marraige. And since I travel 50% for my job, he would (understandably) have doubt and worry about every trip I take without him for the rest of our lives!

    My husband and I have an amazing sex life, and I have never succumb to tempatation during my travels before. I will examine why I did with this guy (and try to suppress the fantasy that I felt an absolutely amazing connection with him!). But much more importantly, I will determine what I need to do to enhance my marraige so that it never happens again. I truly love my husband and was extremely naughty! #neveragain

  2. @Suzie…….Glad we could be of some help. As per your husband: We get a lot of questions from women who’ve had affairs and some feel the need to come clean in order to move on, and some don’t. It’s a personal call. We’re glad that you plan on putting more energy into your marriage. We wish you all the best. Let us know if we can help in the future. And please spread the word about our website to friends, or on Facebook, Twitter, etc. We appreciate it. Take care.

  3. I have been married for 8 years. And have 2 children. Last year my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We argue a lot. Hardly ever have sex. She always has to make things hard. I feel like I’m not good enough. Always bitching and complaining. She always threatens to leave and take the kids. We can be very mean to each other when we want to. I’m not perfect either. But I am hoping by through counseling she will she what she has. I fell in love with her and would like to grow old with her. this year decide to see a marriage counselor. This was my idea. She really didn’t even want to go.
    I am also having an affair. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but it has turned into almost a year. Being with her is unlike anything I have ever imagined. I have known this woman since grade school. Always was attracted to her, always kinda had a thing for her.. Always wondered what it would be like to be with her. We talk pretty regularly, she’s nice,sweet. Sexy as hell, fun to be with. when I’m with her I don’t care about anything. I am fulfilled with enjoyment and pleasure. It’s almost like mediating. It’s weird. It’s Very cathartic.
    I know I am being selfish. But I don’t know what to do. It’s almost like I can’t help it. I don’t want to lose this girl either, but I know I can’t promise her anything ever. And I’ve told her that. She does have feelings for me. But does not push anything.
    I know her feelings may get hurt sometimes. she is friends with my family. I often wonder if its hard on her in that aspect. She has been invited to birthday party’s/events. But does not show up, and if she did she said she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me sos not to cause suspicion I guess. I told her I wasn’t worried about it. I’m depressed and I really don’t know what I’m doing.

  4. @Patrick…..This is complicated and difficult. We’re sorry you’re so down. So our question to you is: What makes you truly happy? You say it’s this other woman, but then you say you’re depressed. Is it your kids? Your wife? (If things were better.) Some thoughts: If you truly want to reconcile with your wife you need to stop this affair immediately. Otherwise what’s the point of marriage counseling? You owe that to your marriage, and to your family/kids. Right now you’ve got one foot in the door and one foot out. Yes, we understand that things with your wife aren’t going so well, but it’s imperative that you work on resolving your marriage issues—if they can be resolved—before you pursue this other relationship. (Question: Why did your wife ask for a divorce? Was it something more than the constant conflict between the two of you? Is there another guy in the picture?) If you un-muddy the waters by putting a halt to this other “relationship” then you might start feeling less overwhelmed and depressed. That’s not a guarantee that things will work out, but at least you’ll have more clarity. Remember, something forbidden and unattainable is always hot and sexy. Things might feel different with this other woman if you were married to her for a number of years. The grass is always greener. And keep in mind what you would be giving up to be with her. Your family. And we can tell you that if you think you’re depressed now, imagine what it will feel like if you don’t fight to keep your family in tact. Don’t give up on it. Like we said, it may not work out. And if that’s the case, then you’ll figure out how to make it all work at that time. But at least you won’t have any regrets that you didn’t try. If this other woman has a heart, she’ll understand what you’re going through and back off. If you end up being with her, she’ll be much happier if you come because you want to come, instead of because your hand is forced. Does this make sense Patrick? Your thoughts?

  5. Yes it does make sense. I know that what I am doin is wrong. I’m the one who is cheating but yet I’m the one who is also trying to save my marriage. And that doesn’t make any sense. I like being with this other girl. When I am, it’s like I drop all pretense and give into her completely. I know this sounds horrible. But sleeping with her makes me so incredibly happy. I look into her eyes and its really intense. she has asked me before why I do that. But I just brushed it off as saying I read about it in a a magazine somewhere, that women like that.
    But at the same time, I love my wife. I married her and I want it to work. If it doesn’t than it doesn’t. I love having a family. My wife can be extremely selfish at times and always wants something better. I recently found out a week before we got married she was trying to look up her ex. Then I found out that she went up to my mother and told her she hated me. I know there are things she needs to change about her self and I’m hoping she does. She wants a divorce because she is not happy. She is never happy, it’s like you can’t please her no matter what.
    I will not tell about the affair in counseling. Because if I do I will lose everything.
    But I can’t stop talking or wanting to be with this other girl. I do tell her that if she wants to stop this for a while that we can. But I don’t think we should burn the bridges with each other. she has tried to end things with me, but we end up always talking again and having sex.
    Maybe I’m having a mid-life crisis.

  6. I think what makes me depressed is that I feel that no matter how hard I try, she is never happy. Things will be great, then it’s back to square one. We have gotten into some fights were I have broken my foot, and injured my toe. From chasing her down the road after she tried to level with my
    Kids. She never even turned around to see if I was okay. I’m sure it was something the neighbors enjoyed watching. Our fights can be pretty intense. But I think maybe that’s what makes me feel so strongly for her. But I’m worn down from it at the same time.

  7. @Patrick……We’re really sorry. This is tough. We understand that you’re stuck and not sure how to proceed. So we’re assuming your wife has agreed to counseling, right? Will she actually be open to trying to work on your marriage? Or will she go begrudgingly and not put in any effort? Does she believe that there’s something worth saving in your marriage? Those are important questions to get the answer to. Because if she’s indeed always unhappy, and always looking for something better, then maybe it won’t matter what you do. Hopefully, she’ll also realize what she might lose, and get her act together too. As per your affair. This is likely a reaction to what’s lacking in your marriage. (Emotional and physical intimacy.) We’re sure it feels freeing, like you can almost be a different person with her. And actually, you are a different person with her. But remember, it might feel differently if you were actually a couple, and then you had to weave in your old life—kids and such—into this new life with her. You do realize that as incredible as that relationship may feel, if you are truly serious about repairing your relationship with your wife, you can’t be seeing this other woman at the same time. It wouldn’t be right and it wouldn’t be fair to your wife, and you. If you’re going to give your marriage a shot it’s got to be a real shot, not some half-hearted effort. If you don’t want to do that, then maybe it’s best that you move on without creating even more damage between you and your wife. Remember, kids of divorced parents do better when the split is amicable and the parents are able to work together to raise their kids even if they’re not together. Sometimes relationships run their course. It happens. The key is to figure out what you want, and what your wife wants. If you both decide you want to try then great. Do it 100%. If not, then move on as amicably as possible. But we wouldn’t suggest leaving the relationship for this other woman. If you leave, leave because you’ve done everything you can and it’s just not working. Then if you want to see this other woman, great. Of course there are no guarantees that that will work out either. We’re not saying it won’t, just that it’s hard to predict anything with life. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  8. Dear Guys,

    I have been married for 21 years. The marriage has been mostly sexless and lacks intimacy, although my husband is a great provider, dad (one eleven year old), helps around the house, etc. I have stayed committed to the marriage, but lost about 100 lbs four years ago. My husband did not care. A lot of other men did. I strayed and had an affair with a married man who had a similar situation at home. We talked for a very long time before anything happened. He had had an affair before and had a lot to say about it. For my part, I became convinced that this was an opportunity to fulfill my sexual desires and possibly keep the marriage intact. I realized that the marriage just wasn’t going to work. We have been in counseling for practically the entire marriage and the intimacy and sexual issues have never truly been resolved. I accepted my husband as he was and realized that he was not going to change and that I needed more.

    The affair continued for about three months. I was into it for the sex. The guy kept asking about me, my family, calling me sweet names, etc. I kept saying, keep it to the sex, but I was getting sucked in.

    I began talking to my husband about how I was feeling and suggesting that I did not think I could stay in the marriage. I felt that the affair had helped me to see that this could not work, but had no intention of leaving specifically for the other man. At the same time, I let the other man know, that I was aware that he was looking for more emotionally and that I was willing to try. Sadly, a few weeks after beginning these difficult talks with my husband and letting the other man know about my emotions, he sent me an email letting me know that he was going to counseling with his wife and could no longer see me.

    I was shocked and devastated. He had told me consistently that his wife refused to go to counseling throughout the marriage, that he was numb to anything they’d once had, that he couldn’t stand her and that she was a shrew that belittled him. At the same time, it is a 28 year marriage with a 14 and 20 year old still living at home and major financial issues to resolve such as bankruptcy and mortgage foreclosure. I understood the desire to give it a chance to work. But, I asked him to be with me one more time. He agreed and for whatever reason, told me that he loved me several times during that last time together…..he had never said this before. Again, I was shocked but I told him that I loved him too. I knew that I needed to let him go to pursue his marriage, so I did not argue or beg or anything.

    However, as soon as I returned home from this meeting, my husband was ready to talk more and the idea of divorce finally came up. It is very difficult emotionally. My heart is broken and I’m trying to decide what to do about a 21 year marriage that seems unresolvable.

    My question is this: the man that I had the affair with asked to keep in touch and remain friends via Facebook, email, etc. I agreed although I said that I didn’t really understand that. I was not prepared for how strong my feelings are for him. I miss him terribly. When he does occasionally communicate with me, it tears me up. He sent me a jokey valentine cartoon that referred to something which happened during the affair, but the next day he posted publicly about looking forward to a much needed getaway with his wife for Valentine’s Day. It brought me to my knees. What is this man doing? What does he want? I don’t know if he really loves me or not, if he might come back to me, of if the whole thing is just an ego trip for him. I am younger and much more attractive than his wife. I’d like to just let him go, but we have to work together on a three month job which starts in a month. I am in deep depression over everything. I really want to still be in a relationship with this guy. I have never had my heart broken before. I am also mourning the loss of the marriage. I do wish I could stop obsessing over the guy and I think it might help to have a clue about what he’s thinking. Thanks for your help! PS. Making a small donation.

  9. @Lola…..Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. We’re really sorry that everything seems to be turning upside down for you. So we’ll talk about one issue at a time. The affair: This is going nowhere. It’s hard to say whether he’s been lying to you this whole time. We’re guessing that he’s only given you a piece of the truth, and now you’re learning the whole truth. What is that? That he has no plans of leaving his marriage. That said, we advise you to break off contact—maybe not work on this job if possible?—and move on. No Facebook friends, etc. All that’s going to do is confuse you and keep you in an emotional holding pattern. We know this is easier said than done, but we honestly don’t think this is about him. It’s about what he represents. The fact that there are men out there that find you attractive and who you can have a fulfilling relationship with. Which brings us to your marriage. This is where your focus needs to be. If you don’t think it’s salvageable then move on. Cut ties as amicably as you can—for your child’s sake—and try to piece your life back together. Like you said, you’ve got to make this decision independent of this other guy. You shouldn’t leave one thing for another. You should make a decision about your marriage and when that’s determined, figure out the rest. Thoughts? Feel free to treat this as a conversation. Ask as many questions as you’d like.

  10. Dear Guys,
    I met a guy online at the beginning of June- long story short, we’re both in relationships and having an affair. I know most people will dismiss my concerns because they don’t approve of what I’m doing, but it is what it is and we both have our reasons. This was my first affair, although he has had 3 previously. We decided to be FWB and subsequently have talked to each other every day since met, most of the conversations being sexually charged. Although, we do also have conversations about our life and interests, giving us some kind of substance to go on. All of this is fine with me, as I have no interest or room in my life for an emotional relationship. But here is where the problem occurs, whenever I suggest a time to meet up, he is either too busy or he makes the plans only to cancel them the day of. Keep in mind, I don’t ask him to meet me for lunch or drinks or anything social- I ask him to meet me at a hotel so we can get the benefits end of our arrangement, and then leave to continue our day separately. In the entire 5 months I have talked to him, I have met up with him 3 times- the first time we met for coffee as an initial meeting, the second time we met for 30 mins to make out and fool around (no sex), and the third time was to have sex. All of these meetings happened by mid-July. Since then, our conversations became even more sexual, but I haven’t seen him once.

    I asked if it was because I didn’t live up to his expectations, which he adamantly denies, so what gives? Why else would he talk so hot and heavy with me, continuously tell me how he wants me so bad and can’t wait to see me again, yet he always avoids seeing me? Today was also the first day I haven’t talked to him, which is unusual. He always replies to my texts within minutes of me sending them without fail, and if he hasn’t heard from me by 11 AM, he’ll send a text asking “where’s the love?” and if I’m ok, yet today he didn’t even respond. I didn’t send another text after, assuming he got caught up with something.

    But for my peace of mind, what is going on? I’m starting to relegate our relationship to being just texting and an ego boost for the both of us, but then why even meet up with me those other times? And why send me texts asking “where’s the love?” if he hasn’t heard from me by mid-morning, yet today he can’t even acknowledge me by sending a quick text saying the he can’t talk?

  11. @Krissy……..First of all, thanks for your donation. So we’re curious. If you have no room for an emotional relationship then why are you getting worked up over this? To us, it seems you already are in an emotional relationship, otherwise you would have likely moved on when it became clear this was going nowhere. And that’s what our observation is. The fantasy aspect of this is what this guy gets off on. The texting, or sexting, or whatever the two of you are doing. Maybe he started feeling guilty about actually meeting up face-to-face, or maybe he’s not telling you something—he’s not as into it as you—but whatever it is, he’s more comfortable keeping you at arm’s length and enjoying the benefits of your dirty talk rather than risk the face-to-face encounters; and that’s probably not going to change. You mention ego boost, but we’re confused there as well. How is this an ego boost for you? You’re already feeling insecure. That’s the opposite of an ego boost. Our advice: Move on from this. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. It’s already happening.

  12. My husband and I have always had an open relationship.. more for him then myself… But recently, I’ve stepped out, I’ve been seeing the same guy for the last two months. He lives on the opposite coast, he comes out to SF on business, and we get together one of the nights he is here almost every week. I think I’m writing because it feels like its changing. We pretty much have contact almost every day, we cuddle more then have sex, he refuses to let me pay for anything, and we actually talk. I don’t want to read into any of it, but I feel myself getting a little twisted in my head. My husband is fully aware of him, its upfront when I meet up with him. Thoughts? I’ve asked some of my guy friends I’m curious as to your thoughts.

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